Chapter Text
Lan Zhan stared blankly at the pastel blue envelope that was thrust into his line of sight five minutes prior.
His name was written in slightly smudged black ink at the centre and the corners of the letter had faint wrinkles as if the owner -who was holding the letter with a tremor in his hands- had tried to smooth them over to no avail. Lan Zhan's hands remained passively by his side as he flickered his gaze up towards a boy who he had had the misfortune of having to bregrudingly spend time with.
Wei Ying looked at Lan Zhan with a soft smile etched on his face, confession letter clutched in both of his hands as he continued, "...so what I'm trying to say is that I like you-"
"I refuse."
For a brief moment, Wei Ying's face dropped and it took him all his effort to swallow back tears threatening to make its way down his cheeks at any moment. He blinked in quick succession and exhaled, his eyes lingering on the warm orange hue of the sky before forcing his lips to curve up and let out a weak laugh, "Ah, Lan Zhan-"
"I tolerate you. Barely. I don't like you like that. In fact, I don't like you at all. You bombarded into my life a year ago and ever since, I have known no peace. I had hopes you would leave me alone one day, but you are unfortunately persistent."
The monotonous and cold voice sounded like walking on knives, the words nestled deeply in Wei Ying's chest almost suffocated him.
"I don't know where you got this convoluted idea that I like-" His face contorted in repulsion, "-you. The thought makes me sick." You make me sick, was what rang in Wei Ying's head.
He tightened his grip on the letter.
Wei Ying bit his lips in a desperate attempt to stop a sob from involuntarily escaping him. He cast his eyes at the latter who looked just as he sounded, his golden eyes that Wei Ying typically loved gazing into, were hardened and consumed in loathe, his lips downturned into a frown.
I understand.
He choked up a laugh, "That's the most you've ever spoken to me, Lan Zhan."
"Mn."
A stray tear betrayed Wei Ying's efforts in 'keeping it together until I got home ' and slowly rolled down his cheek as he lowered the the letter still tightly gripped in his hand and shoved it into his pocket, emptily looking downwards at nothing. There was a silence for a few heartbeats.
"...You hate me that much."
It had come out in a ghost of a whisper, not something Wei Ying wanted Lan Zhan to hear but more of a spoken confirmation for himself. His grey eyes dulled and the usual sparkle that was usually present in his eyes was gone. Wei Ying really did not want to cry. Not in front of Lan Zhan anyway, he wanted to at least have some dignity left within him even after being harshly rejected by someone he had fallen in love with many months ago.
And Wei Ying really hated that Lan Zhan was perfect in everything -even hearing- as his heart crumbled at the words, "I do."
Pressing his lips together tightly, Wei Ying lifted his head and let out a small smile, he was aware of how his lips seem to tremble at the action that was so opposite to how he felt. He could not see Lan Zhan anymore, his vision had blurred and colours had swarmed together like watercolours. He really did not want to cry.
"W-well...you won't h-have to worry about it anymore." Wei Ying wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand, turning to look at the trees swaying in tandem with the breeze, "I wouldn't want to disrupt your peace any longer than I already have." He chuckled bitterly.
"Mn."
Wei Ying turned to leave, to walk away from Lan Zhan and he never turned to look back as he left the park. The sky was painted in such beautiful shades indicative of a sunset, and it hurt Wei Ying to know that the world still went on as normal even though he had felt that his own world had been trampled on and shattered into a million pieces.
All the way home, he sobbed, sniffled and wailed. His hands were wet from constantly having to wipe his heartbroken tears away and his lips were dry and tasted metallic from having bitten them too hard. Passer-bys gave him concerned glances but none ever stopped to ask if he was okay.
He turned a corner on the main road and fished into his pocket, bringing out the crumpled letter, wailing even harder when he saw the name. Wei Ying passed a public bin and paused, glancing from the wretched thing in his hand, and then towards the bin. His cries had quietened down to a small sniffle as he approached it. There would be no point in keeping something that brought so much pain, and the sooner he got over it, the better (if he ever will).
It is not like Wei Ying fully believed that Lan Zhan would reciprocate his feelings and react to the confession by grabbing Wei Ying and kissing him in a downward swoop. But he had hope that maybe the other would perhaps be more open to him and they could have a closer platonic relationship before maybe developing into something more romantic. He would rather be something with Lan Zhan rather than nothing. Whatever kind of relationship Lan Zhan wanted, Wei Ying would accept.
And so, if Lan Zhan did not want any type of relationship, Wei Ying would also accept.
He watched as the letter fell from his hand and into a place where unimportant and unwanted things belonged.
To Lan Zhan, his feelings were unimportant and his presence unwanted. He had tried to get close with Lan Zhan, often trailing him in the school halls to converse with him more and putting on a gracious smile in attempts to charm the boy. But every single time, the top student had either ignored him or given him a one-worded answer and every single time it made Wei Ying's stomach drop and his eyes glisten with tears. Nonetheless, he still tried. He was never one to give up or back down, always there with a smile on his face and a teasing tone.
Wei Ying sighed and resumed walking in the direction to his house. He could not help but feel like he committed an atrocious act, throwing away something he poured his heart into. Why though? Lan Zhan did not acknoledge nor care of Wei Ying's heart, he did not care, he hates Wei Ying, Lan Zhan hates him.
His lips trembled and he dug his fingernails into his palms, another sob was wretched out of his body as he stopped walking down the busy pedestrian street. His fingers reached up and found the roots of his hair, pulling at them, and he squatted down in the middle of the sidewalk.
My letter. I threw my letter away. The letter describing my love for Lan Zhan and my raw emotions. I'll never be with him the same again. The letter is all I have to hold onto, the letter-
Wei Ying bolted up and ran back towards the trash, dodging the many people walking in the opposite direction of him who all turned to watch the crazed high schooler run towards a...bin?
He cast his eyes down into the disposal can and panicked when he couldn't see the familar blue he spent many hours choosing in a stationary shop near the train station. I want it to be perfect. he thought to himself back then, smiling when he found the colour he wanted. Wei Ying did not care for the odd stares digging into his back as he took off his school backpack and rolled up his blazar sleeves, leaning over the side of the bin, peering inside in a frenzied, desperate panic.
"My letter...my letter..." Wei Ying mumbled repeatedly, ignoring the increasingly loud murmurs around him.
"That's a high school boy..."
"Has he been crying..."
"Someone ask if he's okay..."
Wei Ying felt a laugh bubble up inside of him, he had never been so...utterly despaired before. He should be home, eating dinner with his sister and younger brother, laughing about the latest prank he pulled on his teachers, defending himself when Jiang Cheng started commenting on his attachment to a certain someone, praising Yanli's cooking.
"Wei Ying?"
He turned at the sound of his name, blinking away the tears to get a better view of who was standing a meter away. "Jiang Cheng..."
The said man furrowed his eyebrows, an expression of irritance cast over his face, "Wei Ying, what the fuck are you doing?"
"Jiang Cheng..." his voice cracked and his chin wobbled.
"Have you turned into a raccoon now? Is A-jie's cooking not to your liking anymore? God I don't even-"
Wei Ying fell onto his knees, sobbing so intensely he found it difficult to breathe. Jiang Cheng stopped his slew of insults and immediately crouched down next to his brother, "Wei Ying...you're 18, stop crying." Was what came out of his mouth but his heart hurt to see his sibling so wound up in grief.
"Jiang Cheng..." Wei Ying threw his arms around the other's shoulders, his body shaking as tears poured down his cheeks. His throat was hoarse and his eyes were tired, but sometimes emotions overwhelm the physical capabilities.
"It hurts."
"Did you injure yourself? I told you to stop being so careless!" Jiang Cheng scolded, his hands instinctively coming up to wrap around Wei Ying's back.
His throat let out a gutteral pained sound, Jiang Cheng turned his head to look up to stop his eyes burning.
"What hurts?"
"Lan Zhan...it hurts...brother, please make it stop..." Wei Ying cried out clutching onto the blazar fabric and dampening it more, "H-he...he-"
Jiang Cheng quickly grasped at what his brother was trying to say, and though he teased and insulted him for his stupid obsession with the smartest student at their school, he never wanted to see him like this. I am going to kill that Lan.
"Shhh, it'll be okay...Wei Ying, you'll be okay."
•
THE CONFESSION LETTER:
Dear Lan Zhan,
I hope you recognise that this letter comes from deep within my heart, no jokes, no teasing. I'm being sincere. And I hope you take the time to consider my feelings as well as your own in regards to me.
I first met you on the very first day of school, I was extremely late because my brother didn't wake me up and my sister had already gone to work. I had climbed over the wall to get into the school grounds -as the gates were already locked- and coincidently you saw me whilst you were carrying out an errand.
You chided me on being late and we had a verbal tennis match. From then, I could see how intelligent and witty you were - and how hot you were as well. And that may have been when I fell for you, Lan Zhan.
Thats right, I love you, I want you, I whatever you. I've always had these emotions about you but I was always afraid to say anything because, you're so perfect and amazing and so beautiful that i feel ashamed to ever taint you with the burden of my feelings.
I admire your dedication to everything you do, how you give your everything when doing something you love -you are truly a wonderful person who I would like to be closer with and experience the world together with.
Over the past year, you may have found me annoying and a nuisance but like you, I give my all for something (or someone) I love. Sorry was that too much? I find your presence calming and comforting even if you can't say the same for me and I am in no way seeking for you to feel the same as I do for you.
I would like to be better friends with you, Lan Zhan, and between friends, honesty is important! So here I am being honest about my feelings.
From,
Wei Ying.
P.S. Don't be too harsh to me when you've read this. I just wanted you to know how I felt about you, how you are truly unlike anyone I've met before, Lan Zhan.