Chapter Text
[Monday, January 2019]
Beep beep beep
The clock declared the start of the day for Asahi at 7:00 am earning a groan from the 24 year old man, with a sigh and one swift movement he sat on the edge of his bed bringing the blanket to the bottom left of it, his hands came to find his eyes pressing onto them as if it will get him to work and back into bed without actually going.
But no life isn’t that easy or forgiving so without waiting any longer that he actually starts thinking and regretting his life choices first thing in the morning he got up to the bathroom.
After a shower and washing his teeth he made a quick note to contact the landlord to fix the water heater and another note of how much of that will cost him.
Another sigh left him the second one of this long repetitive day.
He has to eat now before going and he knows but it’s just too much, making food then cleaning plus he’d rather not add another dish to the sink since the ones from the past two days are still sitting there looking at him intensively judging him for being this lazy, this unclean, this-
The third sigh escaped his mouth
“Focus Asahi focus” he reminded steadied himself
So no breakfast it’s fine he can get something from the supermarket or the cafeteria in his break that is approximately five hours from now.
He walked from the kitchen back to his room passing through frames of old memories he’d rather forget yet he still yearns for them,
A degree framed (his big sister insisted on doing so and who is he to tell her no) that degree got him an average office job that is slowly draining life out of him,
He never looked his age and even now because this job makes him seem like a 50 year old divorced with two children and a ex wife that hate him when in reality he is a 24 year old, single man who just suffers from depression and anxiety,
You know the regular.
That’s why as he stared at the degree, words on it mocking him for falling into it’s trap having an ordinary degree gives you an ordinary job and he doesn’t hate anything more in life that those two,
Maybe himself but again now is not the time,
He got tired of staring at it, a useless piece of paper so he took it down putting it face first onto the closest surface on his way to his room,
Now he can get ready to work.
An ordinary work requires ordinary clothes so he chose a basic white button down shirt and black pants, black shiny shoes and a black belt. That's how he could look decent without getting much attention drawn to him, he usually wore suits, like the three piece suits but today he didn’t feel like it.
The one thing that Asahi enjoys in his life is getting dressed for work or anywhere really, it makes him feel in control and it’s a reminder of the dream he once had, a bittersweet feeling but he loves it.
His hair made into a sleek ponytail, and put his glasses on a black framed ones that match everything,
He never thought he would need glasses but staring at a screen all day and night has its effect after all.
On his way out his eyes fell on the photos from his past, one was of his middle school volleyball team, the second one was on his second year of highschool he was squeezed between Daichi and Suga as usual Nishinoya and Tanaka jumping on the right and the rest of the first years were on the left sitting and not being chaotic like the rest, Kiyoko was seated in front of him cross legged and the third years were behind him and his friends and the third photo taken on graduation day he was alone,
The fourth sigh of the day and he took his eyes from his past that he can't seem to let go and went to work.
-
Asahi’s week is pretty simple: get up, go to work, go back home and repeat on exciting days tho which are his weekend he gets groceries and clean if he’s in the right headspace and between all of that he needs to fight his demons or he should call them his best friends because they’re always with him and that is his mental health,
He’s always been anxious and he knew even his former friends teased him about it but at a point in his life it got worse and took over his life since taking away everything he loved.
Now his days are ordinary and repetitive he doesn’t remember the last time he felt calm or happy, he doesn’t remember the last time he did something fun or something he enjoyed and he surely doesn’t remember the last time he went out with some friends, he can’t even connect with his co-workers because Asahi Azumane doesn’t want to be a burden on anyone anymore not after this second year of highschool he learned his lesson.
That’s why Asahi’s week is pretty simple: get up, go to work, go back home and repeat.
-
Sometimes people ask their friends so what’s your job like and Asahi has a one word answer for this,
It’s hell, it’s both his fault and not at the same time,
First problem is his boss, an angry short man, age around early fifties with no hairline on sight who loves two sentences “do you think I can accept something like that? Go redo it” and “Man up Azumane”, yeah he hears the second one a lot.
His boss makes everyone stay late because he has no wife to get back to so that’s why the company has a huge turnover rate and the people stuck here get all the leftover work making them stay even more late.
To Asahi he is grateful for this, no alone time to make him think of how lonely and worthless he is. More work means less of his demons and he likes that.
Second problem is his co-workers and this is a bit complicated. He likes them but he’s scared to approach them.
It goes back to his university days when he would talk to people and try being friendly but never getting that energy back, he tried he really tried after fucking up his life he tried so many times to get it back together but each time he failed,
Some people were scared to approach him, some acted friendly in classes but declined hanging out with him every time, and some just totally ignored him.
It took a lot of nights that included wet pillow stains and puffy red eyes the next morning to accept the fact that he's unlovable so he stopped trying.
Also, he didn’t think he would find bullies in a job but surprise there is and it’s all probably because of the third problem which is himself.
Asahi Azumane is his third and toughest problem. That's why work is hell because of him mostly.
Why won’t he quit tho, well it’s easy because Asahi can’t handle thinking about anything more before his sleep and he can’t feed his devils more stuff so they can annoy him with so he’d rather live in hell than the unknown.
“Good morning” he mumbled as he took a seat on his desk
“Morning Azumane-san” Hiroshi one of his co-workers was the only one who greeted him back it’s been like that ever since he joined the company which was a week ago soon tho he will join everyone in ignoring him, Asahi has made that note the second day Hiroshi showed up but for now he will enjoy the little human interaction he gets in his day and prepare himself for the next one which will be goodnight Hiroshi–san today he will use his name so he needs to calm his nerves to do so.
It was breaktime soo he got up quietly, went to the supermarket, got himself a meal and went to his company’s building roof.
The view is so much different than his school roof yet he was hit with a nostalgic feeling
[Friday, February 2012]
“Whao Asahi your bento looks delicious share?” Suga raised his bento already offering Asahi some from his Asahi chuckled “sure take whatever you want”
“thank you Asahi that’s why you’re my favourite”
Daichi let out a dramatic gasp, left hand on his heart faking hurt “Suga I thought I was your favourite”
“Dai you are my best friend both of these are very different besides” Suga took more of the squid shaped sausages from Asahi’s bento and continued talking as he chew “It’s food on the line of course I will favor whoever feeds me it’s Asahi today, could be Narita tomorrow who knows” Asahi rolled his eyes smiling he can’t believe his friends who have a very intense aura around them are this goofy outside of court.
“Here Daichi take one too my sister made a lot so I can share” Asahi moved the bento closer to Daichi who mumbled thank you and took one
“So are you two ready for our third year?” Daichi asked and earned a groan from Asahi
“Dai!! Don’t stress Asahi like that, there there Asahi we will alway be in second year nothing will change” Suga side hugged Asahi patting him on the shoulder, “fuck off” Asahi chuckled pushing Suga away making both his friends giggle.
“Am I anxious? Absolutely but that won’t stop me from living you know plus I got you two so I think we’ll be fine as long as we’re together” Asahi took a bite from his rice and looked up to his friends looking at him with so much emotion in their eyes and big smiles that made him blush “Dai our Asahi grew up so much I am so proud” he hugged Asahi from the side again except this time Asahi returned the hug.
“Well let’s keep this mentality for next month’s match with Date Tech” Asahi groaned burying his forehead in Suga’s shoulder “Dai stop breaking our ace”
[Monday, January 2019] On the roof
Asahi’s smile fell when he finished reminiscing about the old days that gave him a clench in his heart,
And the fifth sigh escaped his mouth.
Which is a pretty decent number compared to other days he would have talked to his boss several times now earning him a few of “man up Azumane” and a matching number of sighs.
“Why the frown Azumane-san?” Asahi physically jumped, that will definitely keep him up at night for few weeks,
He definitely didn't expect someone to be there with him,
Next to him sat Hiroshi with a blue bento who looked terrified “I am so sorry Azumane-san I startled you I am really so-”
“It’s fine Hiroshi-kun my mind was somewhere else” Asahi gave him a small smile but Hiroshi had sparkles in his eyes with a wide smile that made his irises disappear.
“Azumane-san you know my name”
“I- of course I know your name”
“you never used it tho so I guessed you forgot it I was trying to find a way to let you know it without embarrassing you” Hiroshi scratched the back of his neck, Asahi matched his move preparing himself for his next sentence,
“I am sorry I am not really good with…” Asahi paused a bit what was he not good with, well everything but he can’t say that so talking? communicating?
“People” Asahi continued looking down on his food, opening it up “so Hiroshi-san what brought you here?”
“Well I was looking for you and I noticed you don't usually eat in the cafeteria and you weren’t with Haruto-san’s group so I thought you would be here and I was right I found you” Hiroshi grinned at Asahi leaving him confused and with weird feelings
“Why?” the question blurted out from Ashai’s mouth before he thought this through and before he corrected himself Hiroshi answered
“well Azumane-san I think you are a very sweet person I know we didn’t interact much and I think you’re a little lonely and I guess I wanted to help you”
“I don’t want help I am fine “ this came out a bit aggressively than he intended
“I- I am sorry Azmane-san I thought so just because you don't talk to anyone”
“Well I don't talk to anyone because I want to”
“But Azumane-san humans love interactions that’s how we live”
“Not me though” Asahi said taking a bite from his meal his stomach begging for it since he didn’t get breakfast this morning
“Ok I am sorry Azumane-san do you mind if I stay here though?”
“Do whatever you want”
And they both sat in silence for a while eating and looking at the sky, that’s how Asahi spends his breaks if it wasn’t raining because then he would eat at his desk but today is a clear day and on clear days he like to bathe in the sun and stare at the blue sky and the clouds’ shapes but today was different because Hiroshi was next to Asahi and the awkward silence was suffocating both of them Asahi was sure of that so he knew he had to do something as it was his fault.
“So how do you like work so far?” Hiroshi’s eyes beamed as if he was waiting for Asahi to strike a conversation first and that made Asahi feel more guilty,
“Oh so far I love it a lot, everyone is so helpful and nice, the tasks are a bit too much sometimes but some senpais help me to get used to things and get back home early”
“So i get someone is waiting for you at home? That’s why you want to go back early?” Hiroshi’s ears turned red,
“umm yeah my fiance we’re recently engaged and just moved in together”
“oh congratulations”
That must be nice, for a second Asahi thought about his dull home with dishes flowing the sinks, unmade bed, delivery packages need to be recycled and his second year photo that he has hanged on the wall and his smile, his friends surrounding him and his graduation picture where he is alone, no smile visible on his face.
[Wednesday, April, 2011]
“I want to document our team so how about a picture? I brought a camera from the photography club” The gym overflowed with cheering. That's what happens whenever Kiyoko suggests something to bring the team spirits up she doesn’t even have to put the idea into action her thinking of the team is enough for them.
Kiyoko sat the camera up as she was taught and called everyone to stand in front of it
“I can’t believe we’re taking a picture on my bad hair day” Suga laughed at Asahi’s pout wrapping an arm around his shoulder messing up with his hair even more as they walked to their place Asahi tried to push Suga Away but he wouldn’t budge
“Daichi get him off of me” Asahi's plead for help was desperate, Daichi approached them both shaking his head “Suga don't mess with Asahi’s hair without me” Daichi smirked wrapping his arm around Asahi’s unoccupied shoulder messing with his hair even more which made Asahi laugh and
Click
[Monday, January 2019] Asahi’s place
Asahi was tired physically and mentally everything in this place was still mocking him just like this morning, the dishes in the sink, the unhanged degree, the unmade bed, and those pictures it was too much he needed to escape he had to escape so he took his keys again, his airpods and left with no destination in mind he just had to get out and go anywhere where no one and nothing will mock or judge him.
His mind was playing games with him. Today was the same day as any week, the same routine yet it was filled with memories that haunt him so he needed to shut his mind and the best way to do that was to bust some music as loud as your ears can take.
He thought the music could make his head stop, he hoped it could work but memories of the broken broom and his friends’ disappointment was as clear as the night sky, Nishinoya's fight, Hinata and Kagyama begging him to comeback, the choice he made that he regrets so deeply,
He was a coward he gave up too easily, too quickly,
He wanted to come back he wanted to be with them on the court, to play against Oikawa and Ushijima to go to nationals with them to make the battle of the garbage dump again,
But instead he declined the many invites to welcome him back on the team, he couldn't even bear to watch what his former team achieved without him, he kept hearing about how amazing they did, how awesome they were, they were even on tv!!
He was sad and a coward. He didn't speak to Sugawara or Nishinoya again and even though Daichi tried to keep being friends with him he slowly pushed him away, because they didn't deserve him at all.
He stood far away doing nothing but studying to have his parents' approval to go to a university he didn't want, to get a degree he never liked, and to have a job that slowly drains his life out of him.
At this point what was all of this for, why does he go through all that, he keeps making a mistake after the other, the voices in his head never stop,
Asahi Azumane was so tired.
He stopped at a park everything feels suffocating, everything was spinning around, his eyes got teary,
He was having a panic attack in public.
No matter how many times he got them, they still scare him,
And no matter how many times he broke free from them, it was still hard to do alone.
So he used the 333 rule while trying to focus on breathing his inner demons disappearing after achieving what they wanted and his actual inner voice took over now guiding him through the attack
Ok three things you see Asahi this is easy just open your eyes and name three objects
A swing,
A bush,
And a bench,
Ok ok good now three sounds
An owl how-ing,
The tree leaves making a sound as the wind moves them,
And the sound of a notification coming from the phone,
Ok now one last thing Asahi you can do it move 3 body parts easy
He moved his hands onto the ground,
His legs relaxing from being curved near his chest,
And his shoulders relaxing from pressing down.
After a few more deep breaths Asahi finally came back to reality, wiping his eyes from the tears he could see again clearly, he noticed he was sitting on the grass so he got up brushed his pants,
And another sigh left his body.
He walked to a bench to give his body the time to relax while hoping no one saw him being this vulnerable. He remembered the notification sound from his phone so he decided to check it out.
From: unknown
To: Asahi Azumane
Subject: hey it’s been a long time
Hey Asahi hopefully this is Asahi Azumane I am texting, I am Daichi,
Me and Suga are coming to tokyo this weekend and we were hoping to meet you, well we both missed you and we hope we could reconnect after all this years,
So please text me back I would appreciate that, looking forward to meeting you if you allows us,
We really miss you Asahi so please don’t turn us down.