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Luis very rarely got a full night's sleep lately.
And he knew exactly why; but he’d never admit that. At least, not out loud. Not to Chris or Leon.
Because, truly- how could he? How could he possibly justify the way he tossed and turned in the sheets every night, leaving sweat stains beneath the pillow where his graying hair fanned? How could he possibly explain away the need for cold water after silently screaming into the cool night air at almost disgusting hours of the morning? How else was he supposed to show cause for the reasons behind why he almost fell asleep on his feet every time he had to get their Son ready for school?
How was Luis supposed to approach them and say, ‘ Oh, yeah, remember how I used to get horrific night terrors after escaping Valdelobos? Yeah, well, they’re back, surprise!!’ When it’d been decades since he first made a brand-new life for himself with the two of them? Since the ache of a knife in his back was still fresh?
There wasn’t any way to explain it, Luis had decided. He just prayed to a god he no longer believed in that they’d go away eventually; for both his sake, and for the rest of his families.
He didn’t want Matteo to worry, after all.
His boy had been through enough.
Luis skimmed his ringed fingers along the raised timber of his home's walls; feeling his way through the darkness and scuffling his wheelchair ever so slowly as his eyesight slowly morphed the blocky and dark shapes into solid objects. His breathing felt all-too loud in his own ears and each creak of the boards beneath his wheels interrupted the thrumming of his heart; his prayers sent to nobody in particular that he wouldn’t wake anybody else up seemingly coming to fruition.
Luis should’ve been used to this by now. He’d lived in the shared suburban home with his two partners and his son for five years now. But no matter how many times he tries to memorize the corners and tables and lamps by heart, the back of Luis’ neck still stung with a sense of dread and uncertainty everytime he fumbled to put his reading glasses on and scuffled to the kitchen. He still felt his blood roar in his ears; and the aftershocks of whatever nightmare still left the grip on his cane unsteady and shaky.
But Luis wasn’t used to it. And he feared he never would be.
He was afraid this would never end.
Logistically, he knew that that was just his brain talking- never trust your mind after 10:00 PM, after all- but that didn’t mean the thought didn’t still sting. That didn’t mean he couldn't focus on the cold glass in his hands or the blueish light of the refrigerator blaring in his eyes through the cries of his mind's cruel taunts.
Even after taking a large sip of water, Luis still felt disconnected from his body. The bluish light reflected off of the counter in front of him and illuminated the kitchen with an almost uncanny glow, only adding to the feeling of unease that rested dormant at the bottom of his chest. Ready to leap up and snarl at any given opportunity. He stared at the cup in his hands, unblinking- just about ready to collapse on the couch or wherever else was nearest, until….
“Papá…?”
Luis spun around faster than he could think.
“ Oh, Teo, bebé…”
If there was one person in the house that was struggling with sleep more than Luis was, it was Matteo.
For the life of them, none of the three men knew why. Leon had long-since retired from field work after rigorous mental health testing, and Chris took extreme caution in never divulging the details of his work to their son. So Matteo’s insomnia couldn’t have stemmed from his home-life or a knowledge of Bioweapons and the horrors they bring. Knowledge he didn’t have. Knowledge Luis secretly hoped he’d never have to have.
But even still, Luis’ precious son still had nightmares.
‘ Nightmares’ was probably too kind of a word. They were worse than that. At only four years old, they were much, much worse.
Matteo would often wake up in the middle of the night having completely sweat through his clothes- his breathing clogged by his racing heart and his eyes dry from too many tears spent. At first, he’d venture into his Fathers’ bedrooms- wailing incomprehensibly about the things he’d seen during the night, desperately looking for some kind of comfort.
But no matter what Luis, Leon, or Chris ever did- there’d be no comforting him. They could rock him and sing to him and tell him he was safe all they wanted, but he’d never fall back asleep.
He’d stay up until the early hours of the morning, beyond terrified and shaking like a leaf by the time the sun rose.
To say he would be exhausted was an understatement.
The nightmares only became more and more regular, until they were an unshakable event of every evening. Matteo gave up on looking to his Fathers for comfort. Instead, Luis oftentimes found him lying in the bathroom floor, dead to the world, with his teddy bear in hand and his only explanation being;
‘ The cold helps me sleep.’
The three of them had taken Matteo to so many psychiatrists- more than Luis could even count on his fingers. They all drew their own conclusions; each one more outlandish than the last. Some more harmful than others. At the very least, though, they were all well-meaning to some degree. But that didn’t mean they weren’t still wildly unhelpful.
Matteo had been prescribed with all sorts of medications- every pill you could think of, every injection under the sun- some doctors even prescribed more extravagant and herbal medicines, and some just told them to go to Church and pray for the best. Because, apparently, that was their best option.
Luis shuddered at the thought.
There were only so many doctors appointments and medications and psychiatrists a child could go through before it started to affect them more than the lack of sleep did- the stress alone of being torn between unfamiliar offices and the side effects of the medications were enough to have to pull Matteo out of school entirely for the time being.
It was isolating and hard for Luis, Leon and Chris, sure-
But they weren’t the ones who couldn’t sleep at night.
Or at least, Leon and Chris weren’t.
“ Ssssssshhhhhh, está bien, Teo, está bien…”
Matteo practically bolted into Luis’ arms the second he opened his mouth, clutching onto the back of his shirt with his tiny little fists with such fervor it made Luis want to cry at the sensation alone. His son was shaking like a leaf; head buried in his chest with tears having long-since stained the fabric as little sniffles and sobs escaped from his throat.
It took every ounce of energy Luis had not to break down crying right then and there. He knew he had to be strong, he knew he had to comfort Matteo, but seeing his son- his entire world, the boy his life revolved around entirely- break down like this? It gutted him from the inside out.
He’d rather go through a thousand more knives to the back than hear him cry ever again.
“ Don’t cry, bebé, don’t cry- I’ve got you, ¿si?” Luis brought a hand up to Matteo’s dark and tightly curled locks- stroking them with a feather-light carefulness. His free hand rubbed his back as Luis continued,
“Did you have another nightmare?” The question seemed obvious, but Luis breathed a sigh of relief when he heard Matteo respond with a little ‘ mmmhmmm’. At least he hadn’t completely shut down.
“Did you get some sleep at least?”
“ Y-Yeah..”
“See? ¡Ahí tienes!” Luis kept his tone upbeat, trying to pull any semblance of joy from the situation. At least Matteo was talking. That was a positive.
“At least you got a liiiiitle bit of sleep, ey? That’s more than nothing,”
Luis leaned down to place a kiss on Matteo’s head, smiling to himself as he heard a little chuckle erupt from beneath him.
“I’m very proud of you for falling asleep. So, so unbelievably proud- do you wanna know how proud I am of you?”
Luis gently pulled Matteo away from him, before stretching his arms out either side of him as far as he could reach, smiling brightly all the while.
“ Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis proud!!”
That caused Matteo to go from grinning cheekily to bursting out into infectious and uncontrollable giggles- laughter that Luis was soon to follow suit in. His heart skipped a beat at the sight of his Son’s reddened and tear-stained face now upturned in that smile he just beyond adored, so much so that Luis just couldn’t help but grab Matteo again and pull him into the tightest hug he could manage.
He kissed the top of his head over and over and over and over and over again, warmth fluttering in his chest with every annoyed yet delighted squeal that Matteo let out.
“ ¿Lo entiendes? I will always be proud of you, Teo,”
Luis paused mid-sentence to give Matteo yet another peppering of kisses,
“ Always. Nothing in this whole world could ever change that”
“But why?”
Luis paused.
“ Why?”
“Yeah,” Matteo repeated like it was obvious,
“Why?”
Luis’ immediate gut reaction was worry. Which, to be fair, was his reaction to most things Matteo-related, that’s just how parenting was- but there was no mistaking that familiar pit growing in his stomach with every second that passed.
Luis knew the feeling better than he knew his own faith, his own family, and as much as he hated to admit it, his own son. It was all-consuming and a monster to battle even as he got older.
Which was why it scared him half to death when he heard familiar words come from his beautiful boy's mouth.
Where would he have learnt that? Where would Matteo have learnt that self-deprecating habit of insisting he wasn’t worthy of love? What made him think, even for a second, that Luis’ affection had to come at a cost??
Was it genetic?? Did Matteo pick it up from him??? Luis felt a little sick thinking about that possibility. Was his own son doomed to repeat that same cycle of constant guilt self-sacrifice and-
“Papá?”
“L-Lo siento, bebé,”
Luis snapped out of his own thoughts and back to reality. Back to a reality where his son was staring at him with big, expectant brown eyes- eyes that held no grief, no anguish. Just curiosity.
Right. Curiosity. That’s probably what it is. He was four years old and was already in what Chris affectionately called his ‘why?’ Phase. He’d ask why to everything.
‘ Come outside and look how pretty the sunset is, Teo!’
‘Why?’
‘Because you only get to see it now!’
‘Why?’
‘Because the suns gonna set soon’
‘Why?’
‘Because the sun needs to sleep, Teo’
‘Why?’
It’d almost get annoying if it wasn’t so damn endearing.
Luis grounded himself; taking big, deep breaths and reassuring himself that his son would be OK.
“Weeelll… I’m proud of you because… that’s what fathers do”
“Why?”
Ah, there it was. He’d almost burst out laughing with relief if he wasn’t struggling with how to answer the question as simplistically as possible.
“Becaaaaauuuse fathers work hard to raise their kids! And, if I do say so myself,”
Luis leaned over to ruffle Matteo’s hair up, which earned him a little squeal of surprise.
“I raised a very talented, kind, beautiful and thoughtful little boy”
“Yeah but why?”
“So they can grow into even more talented, kind and thoughtful men when they get bigger.”
“No, like-“
Matteo huffed in frustration, waddling his way over to the side of Luis’ wheelchair to rest his weight against the knee and pick at the rubber on the wheels absentmindedly. Luis tried to hold back his visible amusement at Teo’s grumpy little face as he tried to express what he meant.
“Why do you, like… why- why do you like me so much? Why do you think I’m talented and… and- and all those things?”
Luis met Matteo’s eyes and sighed. He knew it was just curiosity- he was four, there’s no way he could understand the impact of his statements.
But as much as Luis tried to bury that guilt and misery deep down in his chest, it’d rear its ugly head once again and whisper in his ear to project those insecurities onto his son. He couldn’t do that. He never, ever wanted to do that.
Luis also didn’t want to leave Matteo with a shallow answer, either- even if he wouldn't remember it, he wanted to teach him something at least a little valuable.
“C’mere, Teo,”
Luis patted his knee and gestured Matteo over, scooping him up by his lower back and resting the boy on his lap best he could. He looked back up at his father with all the trust in the world, and Luis trusted himself to explain his past as gently as he could without giving too much away. Not yet, at least. Maybe when he was older.
“…When I first met your daddy and poppa, I was a much… sadder man. I’d been alone for a very, very long time, and I didn’t think I deserved their love”
“What does deserved mean?”
“Ummm… to deserve something is to show somebody else that you’re allowed and should get the thing you want”
“But that’s silly”
Luis had to hold back his laughter.
“You’re right, it is silly”
“So why… um, why did you-“
“Why did I think I didn’t deserve their love?”
“Yeah”
Matteo’s ‘why’s’ were starting to get harder and harder to answer. So, so badly did Luis wish he could just cave in say ‘because I said so’, and leave the heavy conversations for another day, far into the future. But that wasn’t fair to him.
“I… truthfully, I don’t know,”
Luis settled with gently. Which made him realize more things about himself than he really wanted to.
“I was in a very not-nice place, all on my own, which made me think things that weren’t very true. But that’s not a story for tonight”
“Why not now?”
“It’s a bit scary,”
Luis kissed Teo on the forehead.
“But I’ll tell it to you when you’re older.”
“Promise?”
“ Promesa,”
Luis reached out his pinky for Matteo to take, which he did with a smile, shaking his hand as much as his tiny little fingers could. His father laughed, leaning back before asking;
“Now, can you promise me something, Teo?”
“Yeah?” His eyes were eager to hear what he had to say.
Luis held his sons face in his hands ever-so gently.
“Never, ever think that you’re not deserving of my love. Of any of our love. And if you ever do think that, you come and tell one of us, ¿Sí?”
Matteo nodded against his hands, and Luis gave him one last kiss on the forehead.
“You will always, always be loved by us. No matter what you may feel inside, no matter what people tell you, we will love you to the moon and back forever and ever”
“Te amo Papá…”
Luis’ heart just about squeezed into a million pieces.
Teo leaned forward and rested his head in the crook of his fathers neck; curling up his hands below his chin and closing his eyes to fall asleep within seconds.
Luis held him there for as long as he could, rocking his little boy back and forth while pressing gentle kisses to the top of his head every so often and humming to himself against the kitchen echo. He didn’t even notice the footsteps behind him or the gentle sound of laughter at first before a hand was already running through his hair.
“Couldn't sleep?”
“Sí, Teo woke me up and-“
“I meant you, dove,”
Leon leaned over and kissed both him and Matteo on the cheek. Luis could just barely make out his features in the dark.
“I know you haven’t been sleeping well.”
Luis laughed dryly. “You read me like a damn book, don’t you, ¿cariño…?”
“I’ve known you for sixteen years my love,”
Leon gently scooped Matteo up in his arms and out of Luis’ lap, holding him against his side with his head resting against his shoulder. For a split moment, Luis couldn’t think of anything he’d prefer to be staring at in that moment.
“I can tell when somethings up…
“Ah, caught red-handed, ay?”
“You're not good at hiding it.”
“How dreadful.”
Leon laughed dryly and shook his head, focusing his gaze back to the little boy in his arms. The two of them stood in silence for longer than either cared to admit; waiting with bated breaths to make sure Teo was properly fast asleep in the blondes arms.
“Y’know,”
Leon spoke up all of a sudden,
“I get nightmares about Valdelobos too, sometimes”
“Wha-“
Luis shot his gaze back up at Leon, his mouth hung open a little in surprise.
“How did you…-?”
“I know it doesn’t compare to what you went through there,” Leon didn’t answer his question, instead choosing to continue with a faraway gaze.
“But if it brings you any comfort, that place haunts me to this day, as well.”
Luis fell silent. He didn’t know what to say. He almost felt a little childish- what was the point of keeping his emotions all bottled up if Leon was going to drop the bombshell that he felt the same way, too?
His husband must’ve read his mind or something, because a soft smile etched upon his face before he continued.
“Just promise me that when you’re ready, you’ll come talk to Chris and I about it, okay?”
Luis did his best to hold back a huff of laughter as his mind conjured up the memory of making a similar promise to Matteo just moments earlier. He appreciated Leon giving him the space to talk to them about his nightmares on his own terms. “Promesa, mi vida.”
Leon blew him a kiss before turning to take Matteo to bed.
“I love you, Luis. You know that, right?”
Luis chuckled, blowing both him and Teo a kiss back
“I know it as well as I know the sun will rise tomorrow”