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There was that one thing, Kagami Taiga remembered as he tried to rinse the fresh markings in his wrist, one thing that kept him and Aomine Daiki from dating.
“Stupid markings!” He snarled, still brushing the four kanji characters, hoping it’ll go away. When it didn’t fade, he tried using the sponge and forcefully scratched his right wrist. His mind was at its limit, shouting so loud inside his head but can no longer find the strength to carry the task to formulate an audible sound, not even a whimper or a groan.
“Shit!” He choked, stopping for a second to compose his temper, calm his raging heart and dry the tears boding to fall from his eyes. He was feeling too many emotions at once. He’s beyond mad, that’s one thing he was sure of, but at the same time frustrated and desperate.
“Please, just—“ Whoever he was asking for help clearly didn’t listen to his prayers.
His skin was wounded and bleeding now, it was beyond recognition from his soft tan that even Kiyoshi-senpai, the calmest person he ever knew, would probably give him a beating or two for doing such irresponsible action.
With silent sobs, he succumb to the kitchen floor while hugging himself tightly not bothering at the throbbing pain in his right wrist nor caring whether his fingernails are dirty with his own blood and skin. He doesn’t care about the telephone ringing in his living room. And no, he obviously doesn’t want to check who was calling him through his cell phone.
“To hell with whoever is knocking in my door!” He whispered harshly to no one. With shaking limbs, he tightened his embrace, trying to comfort himself. When the knocking didn’t stop, he harshly covered both his ears with his arms. “To hell with everything.”
Since the moment Kagami Taiga woke up with a massive headache and annoying white noise, since the moment he realized it was his eighteenth birthday and saw the markings on his wrist, since the moment he knew that everything’s not a nightmare or a dream, and since Aomine Daiki’s name was not the one burned in his skin, he felt so lost.
He was desperate to cling on to something and repeated his mom and dad’s wonderful stories about soul mates and finding each other.
“It was the best feeling Taiga.” That’s what they said. “Because I knew somewhere out there, I belong to someone and that someone is thinking about me. Like heaven here on Earth.”
“It’s not heaven.” He rocked himself back and forth, still in a sitting position while burying his head between his arms and slowly but hardly knocking his forehead to his knees. “It’s pure hell.” He said bitterly.
He let himself weep for an hour or two. He completely ignored his surroundings. For the redhead, as Aomine’s smiling face slowly fades in his mind, his world slowly fades.
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He must have been sleeping because when another round of knocking consumed his quiet surroundings, he felt his back aching from his unusual position and his neck was sore too.
Like a robot, he stood up and headed to the direction of his front door. The headache was still there, and so was the white noise.
For a moment, he forgot what happened a while ago. He was actually focusing upon the fact that as he steps closer towards the door, the headache and the white noise reduced. Then he opened the door and everything came back so fast that his knees gave up.
He felt his heart skipped a beat, he wanted to bury the sadness in those comforting arms, he wanted to…he doesn’t know what he wanted or what he should feel because there, standing in his doorway, stood the man the four kanji characters in his wrist belong to.
“Kise.”
Kise Ryouta was Kagami’s friend, just a friend, yesterday. If he could turn back time, he’ll probably choose to relive August 01 for one more time so that when his birthday comes, he and the boy that he loves the most and loves him even more in return would be ready.
‘Heck, I’ll go back in time to stop myself from meeting him or beating him in the Winter Cup tournament, just to prevent him from feeling this pain.’ He supposed it was okay to be selfish in his own fantasy because his reality keeps on fucking him to the point of numbness.
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The blonde knew, he had known for the past few weeks because he turned eighteen first, he saw Kagami’s name in his wrist first. He had foreboded and dreaded the redhead’s birthday to come.
But the hope he secretly hide at the deepest part of his heart years ago suddenly rose. When he woke up that day, June 18 to be exact, and saw Kagami’s kanji characters, he felt…
Suddenly remembering that time when Kagami threw the ball towards him when he showed up unannounced at Seirin’s gym, the very first message that he sent to him and how he giggled so loud when he received a one word reply two hours after, and especially that match during the winter cup tournament where he finally accepted the fact that ‘Oh…I’m in love with Kagamicchi…’
As fast as the happiness, came crushing also the guilt. What will happen to the redhead’s obvious crush towards his former team mate Aomine Daiki. ‘Aominecchi and Kagamicchi like each other. They’re just waiting for their eighteenth birthday!’ he once commented while hiding the pain that he felt in his chest as he saw the two playing one-on-one.
And he knew until his last breath that he will constantly blame himself for destroying such beautiful thing, such beautiful bond. And he prayed, every night, since he turned eighteen that he’d wake up from this wonderful nightmare. Even if it means giving up Kagami.
‘I gave up on him a long time ago in the first place.’
“I’ll sit beside you Kagamicchi. At least when we stay this close, the headache and the annoying noise disappeared.” He closed the door and they were both facing the plain white wall of Kagami’s foyer. Kise kept count how many times his Kagamicchi (can he call him his now?) wiped the tears from his eyes. He balled his fists and willed himself not to touch the redhead, and almost failed too many times, when he saw the bleeding scratches on the other boy’s wrist.
‘Why am I feeling like shit when I already knew he doesn’t want my name in there?’ He self-pitied.
But Kise lost count on how many minutes or hours had passed. It was probably afternoon now and yet no one uttered a single word. The few sounds that can be heard were Kagami’s soft sob and the redhead’s phone vibration.
‘Must be Aominecchi or Kurokocchi. I heard they were planning a birthday party for Kagamicchi…I guess they already know why—‘
He sighed, a deep one. Since his own birthday, this is the first time his mind was at ease (aside from the impeding problem that he, his soul mate, and his soul mate’s one true love will face in the near future). As he stated a while ago, the headache and noise vanished. Though there was a strong longing, the strong pull and urge to hug Kagami, keep him inside his arms and take away all the pain, he managed to settle to just sitting beside him.
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“How’d you do that?” Kagami sounded like he had been shouting for days. His voice was scratchy, it sounded awful.
“Do what?” He looked at the redhead. Kise almost touched Kagami’s red locks but stopped the moment the redhead buried his head in his knees and between his arms. With that position, he looked so small.
“Survive with the headache…and white noise.” He whispered. He finally calmed down.
“I tried to hang around with you as much as I can these past weeks.” He smiled sadly. “It was difficult though, especially during basketball practice.”
“I should’ve known.” Then there was a long pause. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I don’t know.” He admitted. “There’s part of me that keeps on denying things I guess.”
“Kise…I’m sorry but I don’t—“
“I know Kagamicchi.” This time, it was Kise who tried to swallow a sob. “I know.”
“This is not how we were supposed to fall in love.” Kagami sniffed once again, hiding his face deeper. “What am I going to tell him?”
“It’s okay.”
“It’s not.”
“It’s o—“
“NO IT IS NOT!” Kagami shouted, eyes into slits and teeth snarling (like a wild animal cornered to its death).
Kise understood. He was the older one. He turned eighteen first. He accepted things first. He needed to be mature this time and be the reasonable and rational one.
Kagami is scared and lost.
Kagami is hurt.
Kagami is desperate.
Kagami is still in denial.
“It is.”
“…”
“I’ll…” He let his tears fall. “Just have to go away.”
“Huh?”
“You know. Tell Aominecchi that—“
“No.”
“Then I’ll tell him that I don’t mind.”
“…NO.” Kagami wiped his tears and gazed at his friend, no, soul mate. “That’s not fair. That’s not how things worked out.”
“But as you said Kagamicchi, this is not the right way to fall in love!” Kise cried. “If you were to ask me, I’ll take you in my arms. I’ll welcome you wholeheartedly.”
The redhead shook his head. “But you don’t love me.”
Kise just watch him with lonely gaze.
“You never love me. And just because our names were written in our wrists, just because we are s-s-soul…just…you can’t possibly love me and that’s so wrong if…”
“Shut up!” Kise had had enough. “You don’t know me or how I feel!”
“So you mean…fuck it Kise! How can you be so stupid?!”
“I am! I am stupid. I found you first Kagamicchi.” Kise snarled, finally snapping at their miserable state. “I’m stupid for always looking from afar. For being contended with seeing you smile. I’m stupid because I also believe we’re not meant to be together.
I am stupid! I kept on playing the scene in my head when we first met, every night for years. I am stupid for saving all your messages in my phone no matter how meaningless they are! And yes, I am stupid because I finally have the right to tell you I love you and yet I still think that you and Aominecchi are a better match.”
“What…?” Kagami whispered, eyes as big as dinner plates.
With a deep sigh, the older boy raised a trembling hand and touched Kagami’s face. He saw the redhead closed his eyes for a few seconds (finally feeling complete with just that touch) and then immediately stepping back as if Kise’s fingers were made of fire.
“Kagamicchi, I fell in love with you since we were in first year high school and not because your name was burned in my skin.” He averted his gaze, trying to hide the pain. He finally said it! He thought he’ll find freedom in his confession but only dread.
He doesn’t want to see Kagami’s rejection.
“Happy birthday Kagamicchi.” Then Kise enveloped Kagami in his arms. After forty-five days Kise Ryouta did what his heart, mind, and body wanted to do.
Then Kagami patted his back, returning the gesture in a friendlier way, and took a deep breath.
Small gestures, Kise noted. But those was enough for now.
Both of them let out a contented sigh.
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