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Chapter Text

Local scientist, Jeff Martin was working on his latest project. This one, he was sure, was going to make him famous.

The door to his shop opened and two of his friends came in. Tony, an Italian, who spoke in broken English, and Tony's best pal Punchy, a redhead who didn't speak at all, lived in the same building as Jeff and sometimes assisted him in his inventions.

"Jeff, are you-a still working on that-a machine?", Tony asked. "Indeed, Tony", Jeff said. "This invention is going to change the world. It's going to make me famous."

"Whadda ya call this-a thing?", Tony asked. "It's a time machine, Tony", Jeff said. "See, time is flexible. With this machine, we'll be able to go back in time. Maybe to the crusades. Or perhaps the building of the pyramids."

Tony and Punchy exchanged glances of disbelief. Punchy whistled like a cuckoo bird.

"I don't blame you for being skeptical, fellas", Jeff said. "It is quite fantastic. But once it's finished, you'll be quite surprised."

"Say-a, Jeff, Punchy and I came up with-a something ourselves. Show him, Punchy."

Punchy reached into one of his many pockets and pulled out a pill bottle. "These are calm-a down pills", Tony said. "Guaranteed to calm-a down anything."

"You know, speaking of calming down, I could use a break", Jeff said. "How about we go next door and get a cup of coffee?" "Sounds-a good, Jeff", Tony said. "And Lisa should be back any minute."

"Say, does Mr Drysdale know that you three are letting me eat on credit?", Jeff asked. "Eh, what he doesn't know won't-a hurt him", Tony said. Punchy nodded in agreement.

They went next door to the drug store where Tony and Punchy worked. Another friend of theirs, Alvin J. Turnbuckle, also worked there as a pharmacist. He was also on a coffee break.

Punchy turned on the coffee machine but it wouldn't work. He pushed a few buttons with no luck. Finally he grabbed a screwdriver and whacked it several times.

"Now, hold on just a minute", Turnbuckle said. "Don't you know how to fix a coffee maker?" Punchy nodded, then hit it again. To his surprise, it came on. "I guess you do know how to fix it", Turnbuckle said.

Suddenly, the machine went haywire. Coffee and parts flew in all directions. The four of them took cover.

Punchy grabbed his bottle of calm down pills and dumped some into the coffee maker. It rumbled a bit and then stopped.

"It worked!", Tony yelled. "The calm-a down pills worked!" He and Punchy shook hands. "Well I hope they'll work on Drysdale when he sees this", Turnbuckle said.

Just as he said it, the door opened and their boss, Henry Drysdale walked in. Jeff's girlfriend Lisa, who Drysdale had given a ride, followed.

"What is going on here?!", he shouted. "Martin, I warned you about that contraption of yours causing damage to my store! You're going to pay for evey bit of this!"

While he yelled, Punchy mocked him behind his back.

"It was our fault!", Tony interrupted. "The machine-a went haywire, boss." "Quiet!", Drysdale yelled. "If I say it's his fault, it's his fault! Now get back to work!"

The three hurried away. "Listen, Mr Drysdale", Jeff began. "You have a problem, Martin?", he demanded. "N-no, sir", Jeff said. "I didn't think so", Drysdale said. He stormed off.

"Jeff, is it true you had nothing to do with this?", Lisa asked. "It doesn't matter", Jeff said. "I didn't want to get the guys fired." "You know thats not the reason", Lisa said. "Why didn't you stand up to him?" "It's not important", Jeff said.

"You need to start standing up for yourself", Lisa said. "I care about you, but I won't watch you get pushed around anymore." She left the store.

That evening, the three were back at Jeff's place. They were cleaning his apartment to make up for getting him in trouble.

Drysdale walked in. "Where's Martin?", he demanded. "He went to get more supplies", Turnbuckle said. "For his invention."

Drysdale scoffed. "He'll never finish it. Look. He's got all his wires crossed. I've always told you he was a phony. This proves it. Don't forget, I'm an engineer." He left.

Punchy stuck his tongue out as the door closed.

"Hey-a maybe we should fix Jeff's machine for him", Tony suggested. "Won't he be-a surprised?" "If we can actually fix this machine, WE'LL be surprised", Turnbuckle said.

Drysdale listened outside the door. He chuckled evilly and walked away.

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The three worked on Jeff's machine for over an hour.

"The blue wire goes here",Turnbuckle mumbled. "No, the black wire connects to the red wire. I think I'm getting crossed wires here."

"Jeff's really gonna appreciate this, hey Punchy?", Tony said. Punchy whistled in agreement. "Then he can sell it and he won't have to work-a for Drysdale anymore", Tony said.

"Ready for blastoff?",Turnbuckle asked. "Ready for blastoff", Tony repeated. "Right switch on", Turnbuckle said. "Right switch on", Tony repeated.

Punchy flipped the switch. The machine chimed and whistled before going haywire. It started to smoke, and sparks flew everywhere.

Jeff and Lisa were just returning when they saw the sparks and the smoke pouring out of the window. They quickly hurried inside.

"What's going on?", Jeff shouted over the loud whistles. "I don't know!", Turnbuckle yelled. "It started all at once!" "Lisa, get out of here, this thing could blow!", Jeff warned. "Can't you shut it off?", Lisa asked. "The switch is stuck!", Turnbuckle answered.

"Punchy!", Tony yelled. "Your calm-a down pills!"

Punchy dumped some tablets into the machine. It sputtered a bit, then stopped sparking. "It worked!", Tony said.

Just then, a wind picked up around the machine and it hovered off the floor. Before they could let go, it spun into a whirlwind and they were lifted into the sky.

They could see the world spinning below them. "What's happening?", Lisa cried. "Everybody hold on!", Jeff said. "What do you think I'm gonna do, let go?", Turnbuckle asked, clinging to the machine.

Finally, the machine started to slow down. "I think it's stopping", Lisa said. "Right above a war", Jeff said. "Look."

Down below, men in armor were fighting with swords and shields. There were horses and chariots nearby. They watched a very large man pick up a soldier and throw him to the ground.

"Hercules, look behind you!", one of the men yelled. The large man grabbed the soldier coming behind him and threw him over his shoulder.

All the fighting suddenly stopped as they saw the machine slowly come down from the sky.

"God's from Mt. Olympus!", the man yelled. "Sent to help us destroy our enemies!"

The opposing group of soldiers ran away. "Come back at once!", the man yelled. "As king of Ithaca, I demand it!"

"The war's over", Tony said to Jeff. "Those fellas in the green skirts chickened out", said Turnbuckle.

"Jeff, those chariots", Lisa said. "And the swords. Is this what I think it is?" "We seem to have landed in ancient Greece", Jeff said.

"Ancient Greece?", Tony and Turnbuckle repeated in unison. "Sure", Jeff said. "I'd say this is about 900 BC. We've just witnessed a clash of arms."

"It was the gods that made us triumphant", the king said. "Let us pay homage!"

The soldiers knelt and bowed their heads, then stood and cheered. The king and Hercules got into a chariot and approached the visitors.

"Oh, mighty gods with your strange flying chariot. I am Palonius. Your arrival has scattered our enemies and made us triumphant. All of Ithaca will sing your praises."

"Ithaca!", Tony and Turnbuckle said in unison.

"We're not gods", Lisa said. "We're mortals, like you", said Jeff.

"Mortals?" Palonius studied them. Punchy lifted his leg and stuck it in Palonius's hand. Tony made him drop it. "Impossible."

"Well, see, we're from another time and place", Jeff said. "It's rather hard to explain", Lisa added. "Especially on an empty stomach", Turnbuckle hinted.

"Well, wherever you came from, you have the eternal gratitude of Palonius, king of all Ithaca! My palace and everything in it is yours."

He approached Lisa. "And you", he said. He lifted her chin. "Woth such beauty, who I could have sworn was a goddess, you'll ride in my chariot." She looked back at Jeff as Palonius led her to his chariot.

"He looks like someone we know", Turnbuckle said. "He acts-a like someone we know, too", Tony agreed. Punchy mimed an imitation of Drysdale. "Drysdale!", Tony said.

"But this is thousands of years before he was even born", Jeff said. "Maybe so", Turnbuckle said. "But if he's as much of a heel as a wolf, this could be his ancestor."

"Come to the palace!", Palonius announced. "What about my machine?", Jeff asked. "Ah, yes, the flying chariot", Palonius said.

"We don't want it to get damaged", Turnbuckle said. "That's our ride home." "Of course", said Palonius. He turned to the strong man. "Secure the chariot so it can't be moved."

The others watched the strong man place several very large boulders around the machine. "You see?", Palonius said. "No man can move it except Hercules." "Hercules!", Jeff exclaimed. "Of course!"

He reached out to shake h8s hand. Hercules gripped it and brought him to his knees. Tony and Turnbuckle quickly put their hands behind their backs. Punchy was about to offer his leg but Tony stopped him.

"Follow me to the palace", Palonius ordered. "You will be served wine and food."

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Upon arriving at the palace, Palonius made sure Lisa stayed by his side, much to her dismay. The boys, now wearing tunics, entered to cheers and applause.

"Come", Palonius said. "Join us as we partake in food and wine."

They sat at the tables. Hercules cracked a walnut with his arm. He offered it to Punchy, who took the shell and ate it.

"Let us rejoice in the presence of our guests", Palonius said. "If not for them, we would be tasting defeat instead of victory. Let us pay homage to these strange visitors who come to us from another place, in their...strange, flying chariot. Now, eat, drink, and be merry." Everyone applauded again.

Jeff held up a wine pitcher. "These old Greek things have such nice curves, don't they?", he asked Tony. "These young Greek things ain't bad either", Turnbuckle said, waggling his eyebrows at the woman pouring him wine.

Moments later, two guards brought in the leader of the other army, who was struggling to get free. "Well", Palonius said with a chuckle. "Ulysses. What perfect timing."

Jeff gestured to the others as the guards shoved Ulysses to the ground. "What have we done?", Jeff asked. "What do you mean?", Tony asked. "History says Ulysses was a great and just ruler."

"You mean we helped the wrong army?", Turnbuckle asked. "I'm afraid so", Jeff said.

"Well, Ulysses", Palonius said. "At last I see the day when you grovel at my feet."

Ulysses stood. "Ulysses grovels for no man", he said. "Especially a coward who has robbed him of his throne."

Palonius hit him, making Lisa flinch. "Take him away", he ordered. "He will be tortured tomorrow." The guards dragged him away.

"We have to get Ulysses back on the throne", Turnbuckle said. "We've gotta spring him", Tony agreed. "Jeff, you stay and keep an eye on Lisa."

They managed to find the cellar where Ulysses was jailed. Turnbuckle gestured for Tony and Punchy to follow. Punchy, carrying the tools, brought up the rear.

When they got to the cell, Punchy tossed the tools on the floor and they clanged loudly. The others shushed him. He shushed the tools.

"Don't worry, we'll have you outta here in a jiffy", Turnbuckle said. "I thought you were pals with Palonius", Ulysses said. "Eh, who wants to be pals with a skunk?", Tony asked.

They began to saw loudly at the bars. Jeff could hear the sawing under the floor, and was relieved that Palonius didn't seem to hear. He hoped Hercules couldn't hear it either.

"Here", Palonius said to Lisa. "Share this drink with me." "No", she said. "No thank you."

"Punchy, go listen for the guards", Turnbuckle said. "If you hear anything, whistle." Punchy nodded and stood next to the door.

"Almost-a got it", Tony said, sawing at the bars. "Hand me that hammer."

He started banging on the bars. That's when Hercules noticed they were gone. He heard a faint clainging coming from under his feet.

"The cellar!", he exclaimed. He hurried out, the guards right behind him.

"Here ya are, Ulysses", Turnbuckle said as he and Tony removed some of the bars. He managed to squeeze through. "I'm forever grateful", he said. "When I'm back on the throne -"

"Never mind-a that, scram", Tony said. Ulysses took off as Punchy began to whistle.

"They're coming", Turnbuckle said. The three of them ducked behind a wall as the guards and Hercules came in. "Ulysses is gone!", Hercules exclaimed. "Find them!"

The three snuck out and made a run for it. They didn't get very far before the guards and Hercules surrounded them. He grabbed them by their tunics and brought them back to the dining room.

"Ulysses has escaped!", he announced. "These three freed him." "What?!", Palonius exclaimed. "Shall we sentence them to death?", Hercules asked.

"No, death is too good for them", Palonius said. "I hereby sentence them to the galleys. You won't last long under the slave master."

"Jeff, do something", Lisa said. "Tell him he can't do that." "Now, see here", Jeff started. Before he could continue, Palonius backhanded him, knocking him to the floor.

"Take them away", he ordered. "That one too." "Hey, what about Lisa?", Tony demanded. Punchy nodded in agreement.

"Don't worry about her", Palonius said. "I'll make sure she's well taken care of."

They continued to protest as the guards took them away.

Chapter Text

"Row!", the slave master ordered. He cracked his whip as the slaves in the galley continued to row. The drum beater kept a steady rhythm. "Put your backs into it!"

"We've been on this oversized rowboat for over a month", Turnbuckle muttered. "He gets meaner by the hour."

"Guy's, look at-a Jeff's muscles", Tony said. "They're getting bigger every day." Jeff, who'd been quite scrawny, had indeed noticeably bulked up since they'd been rowing. "If he keeps this up, he can take on both of these baboons", said Turnbuckle.

"What did you say?", the slave master demanded. "I said this thing can go right through a typhoon", Turnbuckle said. "Shut up and row", he demanded.

"Hey, Punchy, let me see some of your calm-a down pills", Tony said quietly. Punchy pulled the bottle out of his pocket and dumped some in Tony's hand.

"Hey, conductor", Tony said. "Lemme have-a drink, whaddya say?" "No!", he yelled. "You men have had all you're getting today! Now row!"

As soon as he turned away, Tony dumped the pills into the master's water bucket.

The master handed the bucket to the drum beater, who took a long drink, then drank some himself. It didn't take long before they both hit the floor.

Turnbuckle grabbed the keys off the row master's belt. "I've got the keys!", he exclaimed. "Unlock the chains, boys! Off to Ithaca!"

With boys now in charge, the slave master and the drummer were rowing. Turnbuckle handled the drumming while Punchy went up and down the aisle, whistling and cracking the whip.

Eventually, a storm hit.

"Get ready, boys, we may have to swim for it", Jeff said.

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The four men made their way to the shore. They were sore and dripping wet. As they reached the bank, they dropped to their knees on the sand.

Punchy immediately kissed the ground, then wrapped his arms around Tony's neck and kissed him too. "Eh, get away", Tony grumbled, shoving him off.

"I hope the others made it alright", Jeff said as they trudged along up the beach.

They came to a post with several signs on it pointing in different directions. Unfortunately, the signs were all written in Greek.

"It's all Greek to me", Turnbuckle quipped. Punchy mimed laughing hysterically, slapping Tony on the back.

"Come on, let's go this way", Jeff said.

They walked until they saw a Shepherd and his heard of sheep. "Excuse me!", Jeff called out to him.

The Shepherd turned and gasped at the sight of them. "My goodness, you're soaked", he said. "Are you shipwrecked?"

"No, we were doing our laundry", Turnbuckle said sarcastically. "We thought we'd save time." "Do you happen to know how far we are from Ithaca?", Jeff asked.

"Hmm", the Shepherd said. "Well, this is the isle of Rhodes. Ithaca is about 1200 miles that way." He pointed east. "Could you tell us how to get to the harbor?", asked Jeff.

"Well, let's see. Go that way, and you'll come to a road. Then you'll go left and ....actually, it's this way. Keep walking until you come to a ravine. Then turn right and theres was long path...you know what? Maybe you shouldn't start from here."

The boys exchanged looks.

"Why don't you follow me? I'm going to the harbor to sell some of my flock." He led the way and they followed him. "Say, this guy's a couple of fruits short of a bushel", Turnbuckle said. Punchy whistled in agreement.

At the harbor, men were having their ankles and wrists measured by a general before being sent onto the ship. The boys approached him.

"Excuse me, does that ship go to Ithaca?", Jeff asked. "Why certainly", the general replied. "It will be leaving momentarily." "Oh boy, that's-a great!", Tony said. "We'll be in Ithaca in no time!"

The general began measuring their wrists and ankles. "Say, What're you measuring us for?", Turnbuckle asked.

"For your shackles", the row master replied, coming up behind them. "Shackles?!", they yelled in unison. They made a run for it but were surrounded and hauled onto the ship.

"Row!", the master ordered. "Row!"

"I can't believe we're back on this ship", Tony said. "At least we're on the other side", Turnbuckle said. "Now Jeff can build up his other arm."

Sure enough, eventually Jeff had built up his muscles so much, he was rowing on one side by himself whole everyone else was rowing on the other side.

"Look at him", Tony said to Punchy. "That takes care of the muscles. Now we just gotta work on the confidence."

"Row!", the master yelled, cracking his whip. "He's turning the whole ship around!"

Up above deck, the king of Rhodes was becoming angry. "What's going on down there?", he grumbled.

The row master came up on deck.

"What is goingvon down there?!", the king repeated. "Why are we turning around?!"

"It's one of the men, your honor. None of the other men can keep up with him."

"You mean one man is doing all of this?"

"Yes, your honor. He has the strength of twenty men."

"Twenty men! That's impossible. Bring him here. I wish to see him for myself."

"Yes, your honor."

He went below deck and returned with Jeff and the boys. "This is the strong one, your honor", he said.

"My, he does look strong", the king said.

"You haven't seen anything yet, your honor", Tony said. "Jeff, show-a the king your muscles."

Jeff flexed his muscles.

"Boy, he's in better shape than Hercules", Tony said.

"Hercules?", the king repeated. "Did you say Hercules? On my ship? The gods have sent the strongest man on earth to save my kingdom!"

"Oh, but he's -"

"Precisely", Turnbuckle interrupted. "See, this has all been a mistake. Hercules isn't supposed to be here and neither are we."

"Indeed", the king said. "Listen, if you do something for me, I'll make sure the four of you are freed and pardoned."

"What is it, your honor?", Jeff asked.

"On the island of Rhodes, there's a horrible monster", the king said. "They call him the cyclops. He's a huge creature, with one eye. Get rid of him for me and you have my gratitude."

"Don't worry, your honor. Monsters are our specialty", Turnbuckle lied.

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"Monsters are our specialty", Tony mumbled as they walked along on the island of Rhodes. "I didn't hear you come up with anything", Turnbuckle argued.

"Guy's, don't argue", Jeff said. "I don't see any sign of him." "Let's call it off", Tony said. "Maybe he's out of-a season." Punchy nodded in agreement. "What're you scared of?", Turnbuckle asked.

Punchy pointed at his eye, made his hands into claws, and growled. "He's a-scared of the cyclops", Tony said. Punchy nodded.

"I think we should spread out", Jeff said. "I'll go that way, you go that way, and Tony, you and Punchy go that way. If you see anything, yell."

They split up. Punchy grabbed Tony's hand but he shook him off. They climbed up on some rocks and peered into the distance. They didn't hear or see the cyclops come up behind them.

Punchy looked down at his dusty tunic and started slapping the dust and dirt away. The cyclops and Tony both sneezed loudly.

Tony and Punchy exchanged looks, then slowly turned around. They saw the cyclops staring angrily at them. He was at least thirty feet tall and was covered in hair, except for one eye in the middle of his forehead.

Punchy turned and bolted. "Punchy, wait-a for me!", Tony yelled, running after him.

"Jeff!", Tony yelled. "Jeff!" They crashed right into Turnbuckle, who had heard the yelling and came running. The three of them fell down. Jeff came running over.

"Did you see him?", Turnbuckle asked.

Punchy whistled frantically as he mimed what the monster had looked like. Then he pointed behind Turnbuckle.

The cyclops was towering over them. They screamed and ran. Jeff looked back behind him. When he turned back to face forward, he hit his head on a low branch and was knocked out cold.

"Now what?!", Turnbuckle exclaimed. The cyclops hit the ground with his club, just barely missing them.

Punchy started making faces and mocking him. He crossed his eyes and puffed out his cheeks. That only made him angrier. He swung at them again.

They grabbed Jeff by the arms and pulled him out of the way. "Come on, Jeff! Get up!"

Punchy snapped his fingers he pulled out one of bottles of calm down pills. He threw a handful at the cyclops but they only hit him in the face.

This made him even angrier.

"Jeff, get up!", Turnbuckle urged. "You hafta - wooooaaah!"

The cyclops picked him up and dangled him in the air. "Let me down, you overgrown sheepdog!"

"Throw the pills!", Tony exclaimed. "The whole bottle!"

Punchy wound his arm like he was throwing a baseball, and threw the pill bottle. Turnbuckle caught it and threw it into the Cyclops's open mouth. There was a loud gulp as he swallowed the bottle.

"Put me down!"

The cyclops let go of Turnbuckle. He landed directly on top of Tony, knocking him over. Punchy helped them both up.

"Look!", Tony said. The cyclops was starting to sway. He had dropped his club. His eye was getting heavier.

"Hey, we'll make Jeff think he did it", Turnbuckle said. "It'll build up his confidence."

They pulled Jeff to his feet. "What happened?", he mumbled. "You're doing great", Tony said. "You've almost got him."

Punchy handed him a rock. Jeff threw it at the cyclops, hitting him in the knee. The cyclops swayed a bit more, then came crashing down.

"Jeff, you did it!", Tony yelled. "You really are Hercules!" "Lisa will sure go for you now", Turnbuckle said.

"You single handedly beat the cyclops and captured him?", the king asked when they were back on the ship. "Oh my. And he's such a huge monster. But then, you are Hercules."

"Well, your majesty", Turnbuckle said. "If you don't mind, we'll be on our way back to Ithaca now." They bowed.

"I have one more task for you", the king said. "I'll pay you handsomely. Coin of the realm. See, there's this monstrous bull. He's terrorizing Creede. He paws at the ground like a...well, like a monster. If you take care of him like you did the cyclops, I'll pay you one thousand gold coins."

The boys went into a huddle. "How are your calm-a down pills holding out, Punchy?", Tony asked. Punchy gave him a thumbs up. "We'll do to the bull what we did to the cyclops", Turnbuckle said.

They turned back to the king. "Your majesty, we'll do it."

"We can't do it", Jeff said. "We have to get back to Lisa."

"We will", Tony said. "But if we do this first, we won't have to be galley slaves. We'll have enough to buy our own galley."

"If you're sure", Jeff said, sounding unsure himself. "Alright, your majesty. We'll do it."

"Oh, wonderful!", the king said excitedly. "That's excellent! Terrific news!" He laughed excitedly and clapped his hands.

"If you ask me, he's a bit off his rocker", Turnbuckle whispered to Tony.