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This was Buck's last hope tonight.
Which was why he had decided to forgo sending a text and just show up in person. He wanted to put off the answer for as long as possible. He wanted to have the chance to catch his partner and talk some sense into him.
He wanted—no, he needed to convince Eddie to come home.
When Tommy answered his door, looking relaxed, ready for bed, and utterly bewildered at the sight of Buck on his doorstep unannounced, he knew that Eddie was not coming back tonight. Again.
"H-hey, Tommy." Buck hadn't really thought far enough ahead on what he would say to Tommy if Eddie wasn't here and how he would explain himself without divulging the details of what has unfolded over the last few days.
Tommy's face scrunches up, brow furrowing. "Buck. Everything okay?"
"Uh, yeah?" The older man tilts his head slightly at the answer. "I mean, nobody needs a stolen helicopter again!"
He tries to laugh, though it sounds forced even to his own ears. He scratches the back of his head awkwardly, avoiding Tommy's assessing gaze.
"Why don't you come in for a minute, Evan?" The use of his given name throws him enough that he follows Tommy inside when he gestures to Buck.
Surprisingly, he's never been in a rush to correct Tommy on using his forename. In the beginning, Buck had introduced himself to the pilot as Evan Buckley, missing out on adding on 'but everyone calls me Buck' because they had to duck out of the way of the on-duty captain at Harbour at that moment. Then he'd been too distracted by his jealousy of his partner's new friendship to care about what his "competition" called him. By the time Eddie had realised how absent he'd been in the few weeks since he'd met Tommy, and Tommy also kindly offered his apologies for not extending an invite to Eddie's boyfriend, well—Tommy was pretty comfortable calling Buck Evan when he wanted to or, more likely, when he needed to. Like now.
He stands awkwardly in the large, open doorway between the narrow hallway and the cosy living room.
Although he'd tried to get to know Tommy himself in the beginning, once Eddie assured him that Buck wasn't getting left behind or replaced, he had taken a step back from trying to build a friendship with the other firefighter. He felt it was important for Eddie to have this for himself, even if he never told his boyfriend that was the reason why he stopped hanging out with Tommy one-on-one. He had just waved Eddie off with the excuse that he and Tommy didn't have that much in common (which is true).
"Um, I actually came over to ask if you'd seen Eddie." Buck looks away, glancing over the knick-knacks and clutter and photo frames scattered around the living room, ignoring the heavy weight of Tommy's concern. He'd only been to Tommy's once, and that was with Eddie and the Jeep after Tommy had offered to give her a lookover. They had hung out in the garage the whole time, so this was the first time inside the house.
"No, I actually haven't seen him since last week. He cancelled our plans for tonight too." Tommy speaks slowly and carefully, as if he expects one wrong word to trigger a figurative landmine.
Wrapping his arms around his waist and curling in on himself, he reluctantly asks, "Did he contact you today? About your plans."
"He messaged me this morning after I asked him if we were still on for sparring." He hears and feels Tommy step towards him. "Is he alright?"
The silence lingers because Buck doesn't even know where to begin even answering that question.
With slightly more urgency, Tommy asks, "Is Christopher alright?"
Buck takes a ragged breath in. Opens his mouth to reply, but the words get stuck in his throat.
"Hey, hey, hey." Tommy's hand hesitantly touches his upper arm, more firm with the comforting touch when he doesn't move away from it. "Evan, where is Christopher?"
Buck can hear panic in Tommy's tone, which makes it even harder to get his now hiccupping breaths under control. Tommy is rubbing up and down Buck's upper arms, muttering, "Breathe, Buck. Breathe in. And breathe out."
Eventually Buck catches his breath again, looking up into Tommy's worried face. "Sorry." The older man just makes a face at how ridiculous he finds the word coming out of Buck's mouth right now.
"Chris is in Texas with Eddie's parents." He admits, because Tommy deserves to know that much after witnessing his almost breakdown. He's been so worried about Eddie that he hadn't had time to feel the loss of his favourite kid.
"Eddie didn't mention Christopher had a summer vacation to Texas planned." It's more a statement, but Buck can hear the question underneath it too.
"It was Chris' decision." Tommy raises an eyebrow at that. Buck shakes off Tommy's hands and moves around him back to the front door. "I should go. Get out of your way. Sorry, you know, for coming over unannounced."
"Wait." Buck's hand hovers over the doorknob. "Can you tell me what's going on?"
"I can't," he answers regretfully. "You're Eddie's friend, and I can't go telling you all his personal problems behind his back."
Tommy scoffs, "Seems like Eddie's made his problems yours, and now you've made them mine."
There's a huge sigh, then a weary, "Sorry." His voice is gentler now. "I'm just worried... about all of you now. It's going to be hard getting any sleep without knowing anything."
That startles a wet laugh out of Buck. He drops his hand back to the side and turns away from the door. "You're kind of an asshole."
Tommy shrugs, totally unapologetic.
"You got any good liquor?"
"...so he left last night, and I haven't heard from him since. None of our family or friends have mentioned seeing him. I'm worried about him." Buck throws back another shot of spectacularly bad tequila (apparently it was a gift, though Buck wonders if they even liked Tommy if this was their idea of a gift). Tommy grimaces while watching him before following suit.
"I'm worried about where he is," he admits in a whisper-quiet voice.
Buck reaches over to grab the bottle of tequila off the coffee table for another shot, but Tommy's large hand wraps around the bottle over his, preventing him from bringing it closer.
"Buck," he says warningly.
"Please." And if he weren't on his way to drunk already, then he knows he'd feel more embarrassed at his desperation. "I just need to not feel all of this right now."
Tommy sighs before he relinquishes the bottle, scrubbing a hand over his face. "Fine. I guess it's fair with all you've been through in the last week."
Buck snorts, "This last year, more like it."
He pulls Tommy's empty shot glass over to join his as he pours them another round. Handing one over to a reluctant Tommy, he makes the cheers motion towards Tommy before pouring the burning liquid down his raw throat. He coughs, noticing that Tommy has held on to his.
"You really think he's staying with this Kim woman?"
Gripping the small glass in his hand a little tighter, he replies, "I don't know where else he could be."
"But you said you believed him when he said they hadn't done anything physical. That he was just in shock over the resemblance, and that he obviously still hadn't worked through his grief for his ex."
"I also never thought he would be capable of this, but here we are." Buck waves a hand around the room to encompass the day so far.
Tommy opens his mouth; however, Buck doesn't know how much longer he can take talking about this anymore. Leaning across the couch, he grabs the glass from Tommy's hand.
"Here, I'll help you out with that." Buck downs it, then sits the now empty glass next to his own. Unscrewing the bottle, he pauses and looks over at his companion.
"You tapping out already?" he asks, challengingly.
The older man seems momentarily torn in what to do, though he does eventually give in by waving a hand at Evan to continue pouring them both shots.
"I really should get out of your way and go home." His words slur together due to the combination of alcohol and tiredness.
Tommy doesn't sound any better when he replies, "I don't think you should go home alone right now."
"He might be home by..." Trailing off once he sees Tommy giving him a look that is bordering on pitying.
Buck ducks his head, sniffling.
"Oh, kid." Tommy pulls him in, and it feels so nice to be tucked into his side.
"I don't want to be alone right now." Buck burrows into the embrace more and enjoys the feeling of Tommy's arms wrapping tighter around him.
He turns his face into the crook of Tommy's neck. He thinks Tommy presses a soft kiss to the top of his head before he rests his chin on Buck's head.
"You don't have to be." Tommy softly assures him.
Buck tips his head back to look up at Tommy, but the 'thank you' dies in his throat.
It was like he said earlier—he really wants to stop feeling so empty and unwanted and broken.
Buck stumbles back into the house early the next morning, the sun barely peeking over the horizon. He can't even recall the drive home and knows he probably shouldn't have been behind the wheel yet.
Heading straight for the ensuite bathroom, he turns the shower on so it'll be as hot as he can stand by the time he gets in. He starts to strip off yesterday's clothes, hurrying more and more when the growing awareness of sweat, dirt, and stickiness on his skin starts to overwhelm. There's no sense of relief when he finally trips into the shower and under the hot spray.
Pulling his clothes out of the chest of drawers to stuff into his duffel bag, his eye catches one of the frames sitting on top—a photo of the three of them, back when Chris was only ten, taken on one of their many trips to the zoo. Buck's heart clenches at the memory and also at the heavy weight of his phone in his pocket that holds the last message he sent to Chris that still goes unread. It's cowardly, but he tips the frame face-down and goes back to gathering what he needs.
"What are you doing?" Buck whirls around at the quiet question.
Eddie is standing in the doorway, and immediately Buck relaxes because he's home, and he's okay. That only lasts a moment until the reality of what he's done—what they have both done—comes crashing back down on him again.
He looks away from Eddie's tired eyes. "I'm going to visit a friend."
It's a lie, not only because it's not the reason he's leaving but also for the fact that Buck doesn't have a plan for where he's going.
"Buck." It's a plea. "I'm so sorry." His voice is choked with emotion, and it transports Buck back to the moment Christopher was leaving all over again.
"I'm sorry too, Eddie." Buck has already made his decision; he can't tell Eddie what he's done right now. He has enough to deal with without adding Buck's fuck-ups to it.
There's a heavy silence as Buck finishes gathering the rest of his things. The drag of the zip as he closes his bag sounds as loud and jarring as the final shot in a firing squad. Eddie is still standing in the doorway, though now Buck can see the slight tremor to his frame, wetness to his eyes, and strained breaths.
He doesn't move as Buck approaches. This is even harder than watching Christopher walk out the door, because at least he knew their kid was in good hands, but Eddie didn't have anyone left at home. Buck would make sure that their family knew to check in on him, but that wasn't really enough. He wishes he could stay.
He steps forward and gently cradles Eddie's downturned face.
"Eds." First he asks, then he begs, "Eds."
Slowly Eddie brings his gaze up to meet Buck's. He feels sick at the guilt and turmoil in his partner's eyes because Eddie thinks he's made Buck leave. It's so far from the truth.
Buck might not understand what Eddie was thinking when he kept seeing Kim, and he may still be angry at the trauma Eddie inflicted on Chris, but they could work through all that.
What Buck did last night? It's unforgivable.
"I need to go." He doesn't hide the way his voice breaks or the tears that escape his eyes. "You need to focus on getting better so Chris can come home."
"And so you can come home too?"
Buck tips their foreheads together, closing his eyes. It makes it easier to lie.
"Yeah, of course," he whispers.
It doesn't come out sounding convincing at all.
Eddie lets out a cut-off sob as he reels him into a bone-crushing hug. Buck clings to him for as long as he can, only pulling away when the stuttering shakes he can feel through Eddie's body subside.
Picking up his bag, he walks fast out the door. Hesitating now is not an option.
Driving, even in LA traffic, is easy for Buck. Once he hits the open highway outside of the city, he even starts to enjoy it again. If he wants, then he can let his mind wander and think, but if not, then he just focuses on the road in front of him and the journey ahead.
That's what he does for the next few hours, focusing on his Jeep, the traffic around him, and where the road is taking him. Finally, he reaches a small gas station on a stretch of road that is a bit more sparse.
He can't put it off any longer. Taking out his phone, he calls Hen. The Wilson's should definitely be up and have started the day by now.
"Hey Buckaroo! How's it going?" She sounds lighter than she has in the last few weeks.
"Hey, Hen." His voice sounds rough since he's still feeling the effects from last night.
He hears shuffling, and then a more serious Hen comes back to him.
"Buck, what's wrong?" He winces at being the reason she's lost that carefree tone.
"Nothing. I-" He takes a deep breath. "I need to take some time off. I know it's short notice, but something's come up."
"I'd need to double check, but I'm sure I can get cover. How long do you think you'll be out?" Fortunately, Hen takes being captain seriously enough that she's all business.
"Uh, I don't know. How much leave do I have?"
There's a pause.
Just when Buck is about to check that the call hadn't disconnected, Hen speaks up again. "Off the top of my head, I think you had a couple of months worth saved up."
Again, he hears movement and shuffling as he assumes Hen is trying to access her laptop and the LAFD network to check. He does catch her muttered, "Because you never take anytime off unless it's hospital enforced." That brings a small smile to his lips.
"Okay, yeah, you have just over two months of leave available, and I can authorise you to take tomorrow off."
"I don't want to leave you and the team hanging, but," hesitating while he thinks if this is really what he wants to do, "could I take the two months?"
Another pause, though a lot shorter this time. "It's fine, Buck; that's why leave is there. I'll get it put through."
"Thanks, Hen." He closes his eyes and tips his head back against the headrest.
All he hears is a hum while there's the click-clack of her typing on the laptop keyboard.
The noise stops, and Hen's quieter, gentler voice comes through: "Are you okay, Buck?"
He lets out a huge sigh, desperate not to cry again.
"Yes and no." He laughs, even though nothing is even remotely humorous right now. "I need some time away, and Eddie needs space. Can you guys check in with him? Make sure he's doing alright?"
"Yeah, of course, Buck. Make sure you keep in contact, and call us if you need to." Hen doesn't hide the worry and concern in her voice, but her tone ensures Buck won't disregard her instruction.
"I will, Hen. Thank you." He makes sure that she hears the gratefulness in his voice.
"Take care of yourself, Buckaroo."
"You too." Swiping at the screen to end the call before he can second-guess his decision.
Looking down at his phone, he sees a new message; hopeful that it might be Chris and dreading that it might be Eddie, he opens it.
He doesn't know if it's better or worse than if it had been Eddie.
Hey, you get home okay?
Yeah
Eddie came home
I didn't tell him
He needs to be focused on himself right now
I'd appreciate it if you didn't say anything to him
I'll talk to him when I get back
If he's up to it
Buck watches the typing animation appear and disappear over the next minute before he finally gets a reply.
Okay, Evan
When you get back?
Buck closes the conversation and hides it in the archive folder so he doesn't need to look at Tommy's name every time he opens up the app.
He's just about to lock his phone when his eye snags on a name in the list of his conversations—TK Strand.
He'd already started heading east; maybe he really could visit a friend after all.