Chapter Text
It had changed without a warning sign. Without a big announcement or heads-up.
The crazy part was that nothing had really happened except that Clarke´s heart had shattered at the words. Words. She had always been good with words, but still, when it came down to something as important as saying goodbye, she had sent a text . A fucking text. For someone who had made it her project to correct other people on their choice of communication, or lack thereof like the worst know-it-all in the world known to man, she had not been able to find the guts to tell her to her fucking face that she was leaving.
Because that is what she did. Just left. Right out of the blue.
One day they had been studying for the final exams before the holidays, in Lexa´s empty house, with too strong coffee brewing nonstop and Raven complaining in Spanish over the upcoming history exam she was sure to flunk. Then, as if Clarke had missed time from out of nowhere, she had to wake up to a confusing text message that left her with nothing but questions. There had been no explanation, no answer when she tried to get a hold of her , all she got was silence.
Painfully loud silence.
May we meet again.
The green-eyed girl had always tended to be cryptic, but that text was overboard.
Clarke had not been able to wrap her head around it. She had to find out through their obnoxious headmaster that, ‘I thought you of all people knew, Miss Woods has transferred to Polis High in New York. Terrible to lose such a great mind in the middle of the senior year’. Had it not been for Raven who flung herself in front of the blonde to keep her from throwing herself over the man and wiping that smug expression off of his face she would probably have been forced to transfer herself. A dented reputation and a notice of expulsion on her record would do wonders for her college application, but honestly, she didn´t care. All that mattered was to find out what happened to Lexa and what had caused her to leave. There had to be a reason.
Clarke knew that there had to be a reason.
Her pride though, had been dented even without being expelled. Deeply .
Because, even with his smug face, Principal Jaha had been right to assume that she ought to know. She should have known but didn´t. Clarke couldn´t bring herself to ask herself when she stopped being the person who would've known such things about the green-eyed girl. Was it before winter break? The day before New Year's when they hugged goodbye outside of Lexa´s house as she was about to leave for Chicago with her dad? Or was it when she was too hungover to pick up Lexa´s call on New Year's Day?
May we meet again.
When the initial shock had settled the crying began. At first, she cried out of panic, unable to comprehend what would have caused her best friend to leave her. The many scenarios that crossed her mind, one worse than the other, left her gasping for air. Then she cried out of frustration and clung to Raven as if she were the anchor holding her to the ground. Lastly, the tears turned silent, and her heart darkened. No matter what scenario she could think of no one was bad enough to give her a reason to not face her. To not give her an explanation, or at the very least offer her a goodbye longer than four words to Lexa´s departure.
It had taken her a few days to gather up the strength to look into Polis High. The fact that it was located in New York meant that Lexa had fled, not overseas or to her non-present father, but to Costia . For whatever reason Lexa fled to her ex of all people. Maybe that shouldn't have been such a surprise, but the truth was that Clarke didn't want to understand because it hurt too much to even think of the possibility that Costia could give Lexa something Clarke couldn´t. After all this time, after all the nights she stayed by Lexa´s side and helped her through losing Costia, she actually resorted to transferring to be closer to her. Clarke didn't understand what could possibly have brought this on and could not process the idea of Lexa leaving out of the blue to go live in New York, but what she did understand was that she needed answers.
She demanded an answer, even if that meant finding Lexa and dragging it out of her in person.
The thick snow made it difficult for her to see more than ten feet in front of the car. Raven´s snoring by her side didn't make it any easier. She was exhausted. Determined, but completely exhausted. They had been on the road for the last seven hours, nonstop.
At this speed, they would be in New York by morning.
Clarke didn´t mind driving throughout the night, but her mind was running wild with thoughts.
Thoughts of Lexa.
Clarke had gone through the day before New Year's Eve with a fine bone comb several times, trying for the life of her to find the signs, any sign she might have overlooked, that had indicated that Lexa was planning on leaving. Because that is the only thing that Clarke was completely sure about – Lexa had planned this. Clarke didn´t know for how long, but nothing in the world short of a third-world war would cause the green-eyed girl to suddenly move out of the blue.
Once this realization had settled, Clarke knew she had to go to New York herself. She had to see find Lexa. She had to find her and force the truth out of her. Because the girl Clarke had known for the better part of her life would not do this.
Her Lexa would not up and leave her whole life without a plan.
And Clarke demanded to know what caused this.
A dark and scary thought started to seep in – was it her fault?
The thought had rooted itself in a dark corner of Clarke´s mind and would come out every once and a while, sprawl out and buzz with a ringing sound in her mind.
Was it her fault?
Clarke held onto the steering wheel with tight hands, knuckles white. She could feel the thought stretching out and she tried to shake it away by shaking her head and clearing her throat.
“Rae,” Clarke said in a voice low as a whisper. The dark-haired girl next to her didn´t react. “Rae”. Still no reaction. Clarke let go of the steering wheel with her right hand and shook Raven´s leg forcefully. “Rae, wake up!” she said loud and clear. Raven jumped a little and tried to sit up straight.
“What's happening?!”
“You were sleeping.”
“No shit, Sherlock,” Raven answered with a stern look. She rubbed her eyes and cracked her knuckles. Her eyes softened as she took a second look at Clarke, particularly her hands which both were back on the wheel, knuckles still more white than not. “Do you want me to take over?”.
Clarke shook her head, against her better judgement perhaps, but she was afraid that if she didn´t have something to focus on that dark thought would have too much space to claim as its own. “Just… just talk or something so I don't run us off the road,” she said with an unsure voice that she didn´t mean to let through.
“Alright...ehm”, Raven said and frowned. She changed her position and looked at Clarke again but said nothing. Then she looked out the window and back again. But… nothing. The dark-haired girl forced a small smile.
“Nothing?”.
“Sorry”.
Clarke laughed desperately, but at least it was a laugh. “You're useless,” she said and could feel her muscles relax a little bit.
Raven smirked. “I might be, but not my hands.” She flipped her hands over and that smirk grew annoyingly big as she continued, “Or rather my fingers.”
The blonde could feel a new round of laughter bubbling as she looked over at the still-smirking Raven. When she asked Raven to come with her to New York she was asking her to give up her plans with Octavia. Even if Raven hadn´t said it yet, Clarke knew she loved that girl. It wasn´t a game for her. It never had been, even if Clarke and Lexa had teased her for pursuing the younger girl. Watching the lingering smile on Raven´s face made Clarke very happy. Raven deserved some happiness.
“Oh, shut up! I don't want to hear anything about your deflowering of that poor girl,” she said and slapped Raven´s arm gently.
“You're just jealous.”
“Jealous? In your dreams, cradle robber.”
A silence fell over them.
Clarke could hear Raven breathing and the sound of the snow against the windshield.
“Are you okay?” Raven eventually asked, as if she could sense the nervousness running through Clarke´s veins.
Clarke didn´t want to think about it for too long. She simply nodded and silently added, “I will be. Once I´ve talked to her.”
“I can't believe she just left,” Raven said and the dark thought in Clarke´s mind woke, spread out its legs and started to hum slowly.
“No… me either,” she lied without knowing it.
“Something must have happened.”
“Like what?”
“I don´t know. But it´s Lexa, she doesn´t run. She if anyone digs her heels in and fights, no matter what,” Raven answered, and Clarke knew she was right. That was one of the reasons she was so angry, both at Lexa and herself.
Before a new silence could settle Clarke heard herself say, “I did something… I think.”
Just like that, the dark thought had won a small victory and sung more loudly in Clarke´s mind. It made her anxious. Incredibly anxious.
Out of the corner of her eye, Clarke saw the confounded look on Raven´s face and how she angled herself more fully towards the blonde as she asked, “What do you mean?”
“I sort of… kissed her.”
There it was. The dark thought had been put into words, at least a part of it had. Once again, Clarke´s knuckles were bright white as she moved her hands over the steering wheel.
“Wow.” Raven didn´t sound shocked and that baffled Clarke enough for her to look over at the dark-haired girl. Raven didn´t look amused either. “How was it?”, she asked, and Clarke was taken aback.
The blonde didn´t know how to answer or what to answer. What was the question? She looked back at the road, mouth opening to try and find words, but nothing came out. She looked again at Raven who looked back with a still look on her face.
Clarke furrowed her brows and shook her head in confusion, “Is that all?”
Raven smiled knowingly and shook her shoulders. “What do you want me to say?”, she asked, and Clarke looked stunned. Raven let out a low laugh and stretched out in her seat, angling herself back to the normal position facing the road. “Wait, did you think I would be surprised?”. When Clarke didn´t answer her, Raven laughed again and gathered her hair to put it up in a ponytail. “I´m just surprised it took you fools this long to suck faces.”
“We did not do that!” Clarke´s reaction was instinctual as the image of Lexa flashed before her eyes. It was the image of Lexa as she had looked that night at Bellamy Blake´s party when she met that girl . Clarke had tried to forget the image, but it was imprinted in her mind. Everything about that night was imprinted on her. From the way Lexa had looked so taken by the dark-haired girl at the beginning of the night, to them kissing roughly against the railing on the porch and the stunned look on Lexa´s face when Clarke stepped out from the shadows after they had been interrupted in that heated moment.
The image of a dishevelled Lexa was one thing, one she had seen many times before, but dishevelled and obviously turned on was… different .
Her stomach hurt as the dark thought started to drum in a steady rhythm, whispering ‘what if’ over and over again on repeat.
“What did you do then!” Raven replied in a raised voice. There was something in her tone that made Clarke believe that she too had heard the thoughts drumming.
“I kissed her,” she started and involuntarily squired as she continued. “And then I… I played it off as I didn´t… remember.”
It took a second, or maybe Clarke imagined it, but it felt like it got silent for a moment.
And then, Raven hit her. Like hit hit her. Hard. Square on her arm.
And then, again .
“Raven! What the fuck?!”
The dark-haired girl raised her fist again and looked like she was considering it, but then lowered her arm and kicked instead down on the floormat. “You did not run your fuckboy-routine on Lexa! Lexa ! You know! The girl you´ve been crushing on since eighth grade!”.
Once again, Clarke was left stunned. She could not believe the words coming out of Raven´s mouth.
The dark thought, however, was dancing a jig.
The knot in Clarke´s stomach pounded along with the rhythm of her increasing pulse.
“I have not…” She tried to explain, but the rest of the words failed her as Raven cut her off.
“I can´t believe you!”
“Stop yelling at me!”
Without realizing it, tears had started to run down Clarke´s face. Slow and silent tears. She didn’t know why she was crying. Or rather, she didn´t want to know.
“Fuck, Clarke,” came Raven´s voice and broke through the tears. Clarke drew a shaky breath and started wiping her cheeks. “Fuck.”
“How did you know?” Clarke asked quietly once she could trust that the words would come out without triggering a new set of tears.
“Are you serious?” This was the truth Clarke had tried to avoid at all costs. But now, it was coming for her, and she had nowhere to hide. “It was as obvious as the fact that Lexa smiled every time you even glazed over her,” Raven said softly. “You weren´t as transparent all the time, I´ll give you that. But in the moments that really mattered, like your father´s funeral or that time when Lexa fought that senior jackass lacrosse idiot.” She laughed for a second at the memory and Clarke could see it too. Lexa had fought that guy for a good ten minutes before a few of his teammates cut in and pulled them apart, but at that point, the guy had a broken nose and was hung over himself growling while trying to defend his crotch from another hit. Lexa on the other hand stood up tall, blood running from her split lip and crowned over the guy as she told him to never even look at Clarke again if he wished to keep his eyes. No one from the lacrosse team ever tried to disrespect Clarke or anyone else that they saw Lexa around again. “I could read it all over your face,” Raven finished, and Clarke nodded without thinking.
Everything Raven had said was true, no matter how much Clarke wished it wasn´t.
Eventually, she gathered up the courage to ask and she turned her head to look briefly at Raven, “Does she know?”
The laughter that came out of Raven was hollow, but it made Clarke uncertain. Like there was something more she should ask, but she was not capable of thinking any further than to the answer she wanted Raven to give her.
“No,” Raven said and picked up her phone. Clarke drew for breath, relieved. “She´s as clueless as you are,” Raven added with an annoyed tone, but Clarke was too occupied with fighting off the dark thought in her mind to reflect on the way Raven had sounded.