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Kyoko found Sayaka waiting for a train.
For a moment she considered just walking away, leaving Sayaka to work out her issues with someone who didn’t have a fairly good chance of screwing her up even worse. But Sayaka looked terrible. Hopeless. Her knees trembled as she stood there, leaning against a wall for support, and she had her arms wrapped around her like she could hold herself together if she just gripped tight enough.
Kyoko couldn’t leave her like that.
Sure, it would be better if that friend of Sayaka’s, Madoka, was here, or even Mami, but one was dead and the other was nothing but a normal human being. Neither would be any help now.
Kyoko could console herself with the fact that she’d be better at this than Homura, at least.
(She hoped so, anyway. Being more emotionally stunted than that girl was something Kyoko didn’t even want to think about.)
Her first thought was some sort of sneak attack. She could grab Sayaka, take her soul gem, and force-purify her with one of Kyoko’s spare grief seeds. But that was kind of stupid idea, really—no matter how weak Sayaka seemed, Kyoko wasn’t about to forget what she’d done to that witch. And anyway, it felt… wrong. Even if it did help her, Kyoko had a feeling Sayaka wouldn’t forgive her so easily if she put her hands on her soul like that.
It was strange, thinking that. Part of her was still insisting that she shouldn’t care about anyone, especially not one magical girl with too much heart and too little sense. (Not that Kyoko really had much room to comment there. She was hardly known for her well-though-out decisions.) But Sayaka was annoying that way.
So, plan two: wing it.
Kyoko stepped out of hiding and grinned. That was always her favorite kind of plan.
“Hey, Sayaka! What’s up?”
She waved cheerfully towards Sayaka, plastering a smile onto her face as she approached the other girl.
Sayaka started, then turned towards Kyoko.
“Eh, c’mon!” Kyoko said, giggling a little. “You gotta have a better reaction time than that! If I was a witch you’d be toast.” She paused, licked her lips. “Mmm, toast.”
“What are you doing here?” If it was even possible, Sayaka seemed to draw even closer in on herself. She was positively oozing paranoia and fear.
Kyoko put her hands on her hips and play-frowned at Sayaka. “Maybe I need to catch a train too. You ever think about that?” Keep things casual, she thought to herself. Like there’s nothing wrong. She wished she had something to snack on.
Her attitude was fake, as fake as fake could be; a smile and a few light insults acting as wallpaper for her concern and fear. But Kyoko felt like keeping the charade up for as long as she could. It was nicer to pretend they were just two friendly enemies, catching up on gossip after a long night of witch hunting. Maybe the routine of it would help bring Sayaka back to normal.
“Don’t lie to me,” Sayaka snapped, her voice thick with anger, “I’m not stupid.”
And okay, there went that plan.
“C’mon,” Kyoko said, “Don’t be like that. I just wanted to make sure Homura didn’t go after you again or anything like that.” She bit her lip. “Honestly, what the hell’s her problem?” she muttered, more to herself than to Sayaka.
The edges of Sayaka’s mouth twitched upward at that. “Why would it matter if she did? If I’m so weak that I can’t even defend myself from her, then I deserve to die.”
“Tch.” Kyoko gulped, feeling a bead of nervous sweat drip down her back. “Idiot! What happened to being a righteous and just magical girl, protecting normal people from witches and all that shit? Who do you think’s going to take care of that if you get killed? ’Cuz I’m not gonna do it, I’ll tell you that much right now.”
Sayaka shrugged. “…Am I even really helping anyone? No matter how many I kill, there’s always more. Everyone’s going to die anyway, sooner or later. What’s the point?” Sayaka stared at a spot a few inches above Kyoko’s shoulder, her eyes wide and distant. “Kyoko,” she said, softer. “What’s the point?”
Kyoko wasn’t exactly the best at reading people, but she knew what that look meant. She’d seen it in her father’s eyes those last few weeks, and in the eyes of other girls she’d fought against before.
Sayaka had gone somewhere deep inside of her, somewhere awful and lonely.
She was giving up.
Kyoko’d won some of her old territory that way, with shaking hands and frozen stares, too-jaded magical girls who wandered in front of speeding cars or off the edge of buildings. And while it was downright hilarious when it was just some random girl, it wouldn’t be funny this time. Not when it was this random girl whose life was on the line.
What’s the point?
“C’mon,” she snapped, “Don’t be stupid. I thought you were going to get that boy of yours to like you back, yeah?” Kyoko spat the word out angrily, unable and unwilling to hide her scorn. Spending time worrying about others like that, trying to win their love, would only end in heartbreak.
Kyoko would know. She’d almost lost herself that way once.
“Kamijo is going out with someone else right now.” She gritted her teeth. “A friend of mine.”
“A friend of yours? Damn. You should kick her ass for that.”
Sayaka looked at her. Kyoko had a feeling the expression on her face was supposed to be a glare, but the sagging apathy in her eyes drained all the venom from it. “It’s not her fault,” Sayaka said, “She warned me she was going to ask him out. I knew it was going to happen, and I didn’t do anything. So it doesn’t matter.”
“Eh.” Kyoko brought one hand up and made a show of examining her fingernails. “If you want something, take it. You realize you’re a magical girl, right? You can do that if you want.” She smiled. “I’m sure your friend will manage to deal.”
“It’s not about Kamijo!” Sayaka snarled.
Whoa.
“Okay,” she said, hands up defensively. “You don’t have to jump all over me. What is it about, then?”
“I …” Sayaka’s voice broke. “Kyoko, look at us. Look at me! We’re not human. We’re not…we’re not even alive. Not really.” She held her hands out, showing Kyoko her soul gem (and it looked dark, swimming with smoke and far too murky to be safe). “This is me, Kyoko. I’m a rock.” At that she giggled, a humorless and awful sound tearing its way out of her throat. “I can’t… I can’t ask for someone to hold me when I’m like this.”
“Yes you can.” Kyoko stepped forward. She was fairly certain she was about to do something amazingly stupid, but she was more than used to that. And anyway, at this point anything would be smarter than leaving Sayaka to her own devices right now. Kyoko didn’t even need to see Sayaka’s soul gem to know that—not when the hunted look in her eyes and the way she held herself (slumped and shaking, like it was all she could bear not to lay down on the sidewalk and die) made it so obvious.
Sayaka was suffering.
( “I’ll never regret it,” she said with fire in her eyes.
“Yes you will,” Kyoko wanted to say, “We all do,” but the words wouldn’t come out and anyway she didn’t want to speak. She wanted to believe, make herself think that maybe this girl would make that promise come true.
Perhaps she would be the first.)
Kyoko didn’t say it was all going to be okay or anything stupid or sappy like that; they both knew it wasn’t. Instead, she just took the two steps forward to close the gap between them and very carefully wrapped her arms around Sayaka.
For a moment, Sayaka didn’t react. Kyoko was trying not to look at her, too nervous at the sudden human contact. This was more than she’d had since her family died, and she’d almost forgotten how it felt. Was her arm too low? Too high? She was probably jabbing Sayaka in the stomach with her elbow or something hopelessly brain-dead like that.
“See?” she said, trying to keep the usual bark out of her voice. “I told you, you’re a magical girl. If you want something, you can have it. That’s how it works.”
“And I told you I’m not going to be the kind of magical girl you are. I won’t just go and take things without payment.” Sayaka hadn’t moved, and her arms were hanging limp at her sides.
“Sayaka, it’s a hug, not bank robbery.” Kyoko sighed when Sayaka still didn’t move. “You know, if you hugged me back that would make it a fair deal.”
“I just…” Sayaka slumped into Kyoko’s touch, nearly bowling her over with her weight. “I’m just so worthless.”
“You’re not worthless.” Kyoko liked Sayaka, in the blushing, giggling butterflies-in-your-stomach sort of way she’d thought she’d grown out of years ago. That alone made her worth more than anyone else in this city.
“Madoka believed in me, and I let her down.”
“Good,” Kyoko said, her face buried in the fabric of Sayaka’s cloak. “Belief is for kids and idiots.”
“I’m so much weaker than Mami.”
“What the hell kinda weakness are you talking about? Mami’s dead. You’re not. That’s all there is to strength.”
“No one wants me.”
“I do.”
“Not like that. No one wants me the—the way I want to be wanted.” Her hands dug into the back of Kyoko’s dress; Kyoko could practically feel her blushing.
“I do,” Kyoko said again, leaned up, and pressed a kiss against Sayaka’s cheek.
Sayaka made a little choking noise in the back of her throat and her arms dropped from around Kyoko. “Stop that.”
“Stop what? Having feelings for you? ‘Cause trust me, I tried.”
“Stop teasing me. Coming out here and acting like you care. I know you and Homura think I’m stupid.”
“I’m not teasing you,” she said, and kissed Sayaka again, on her chin, her cheek, the side of her neck. “And I only think you’re stupid sometimes, which is a lot more respect than I give anyone else. You keep freaking out about your soul gem—so what if your body is different? So is mine. I’m the same as you, you know.” Kyoko nodded down at her own soul gem. “If I didn’t like you, I wouldn’t pretend I did. I can’t stand people who do shit like that.”
Sayaka didn’t respond.
“C’mon,” Kyoko said, nudging her with her cheek, “Just—just listen to me, okay?”
Nothing. She hadn’t really expected Sayaka to return her feelings, but she at least thought she’d get some sort of reaction. Kyoko was getting more discouraged by the second. She’d been hoping she could push back the darkness in Sayaka’s soul gem just by talking with her, admitting how she felt, but she could see that wasn’t working. The darkness swirling in that stone was like a cloud over Sayaka’s head, drenching her in misery. Nothing she said would get through so long as she was like that.
Then, Kyoko had a flash of inspiration. She pulled out of the hug, rummaging through her pockets. For a moment she thought she’d dropped it (no, she wouldn’t do something that idiotic. Would she?) but after one second too long of frantically rifling through the various odds and ends she’d shoved in there, her fingers closed around it. Kyoko smiled triumphantly and pulled out the grief seed from the witch-with-the-tree, the one Sayaka had torn herself to shreds fighting.
“Here!” she said, and held it out. “Take it, okay?”
Sayaka’s eyes narrowed. “I don’t want your pity.”
“Good, ‘cause you’ll never get it. I don’t do pity.” She held it closer. “It’s yours, from the witch earlier. I’m just giving it back to you. I’m not about to let you start giving me soul gems like I’m some dog you feed table scraps, after all!” She bit her lip, hoping Sayaka wouldn’t notice the nervous tremor beneath her words.
Come on, just take it.
She’d never thought to wonder what happened to magical girls who went without using soul gems. She wasn’t sure she wanted to find out.
Sayaka hesitated, biting her lip and staring down at the soul gem with a distrustful stare.
“C’mon,” Kyoko said. Then, when she didn’t move: “Please.”
Finally, Sayaka reached out and plucked it out of Kyoko’s outstretched palm. For a moment, Kyoko was sure Sayaka was going to throw it onto the train tracks; she refused to breathe until Sayaka pulled out her soul gem and pressed it to the grief seed’s deep black surface.
The deep, smoky darkness hissed as it oozed its way out of Sayaka’s soul gem and into the grief seed’s dark surface. There was so much of it, Kyoko could hardly believe her eyes; it ran off in deep, swirling tendrils that soon turned to thick black globs like blood clots. After the seed had finally pulled all it could hold out of Sayaka’s soul (and there was still a faint shadow lurking in its depths—just how much must she have been suffering?) the smoke’s trail thinned off and finally stopped.
The two of them stood there. Neither moved or spoke.
Please, Kyoko thought, please, the closest thing she’d come to prayer in a long time.
Sayaka blinked and gasped. There was shock and surprise in her eyes, and Kyoko could have cheered at the sight of emotions flickering there.
Thank you.
“Kyoko?” Sayaka asked, sounding almost curious. She tilted her head to the side, puzzled—and the next moment her knees collapsed under her.
“Sayaka!” Kyoko yelped. It was only her reflexes, honed from years as a magical girl, that made her able to catch Sayaka before she hit the ground. Instead, Kyoko carefully lowered her down to kneel on the sidewalk, one of Sayaka’s hands thrown over her shoulder and her arm wrapped around Sayaka’s waist. “Are you okay?”
“Oh,” Sayaka murmured, “Oh.” To her alarm, Kyoko could see the faintest hint of wetness gathering at the corner of Sayaka’s eyes. She was not equipped to deal with this. She leaned over with her free arm and awkwardly patted Sayaka on the head.
“Um,” she said, “There, there?”
She kind of wanted to go in for another hug or maybe even a kiss, but she had a feeling she’d only gotten away with that because of Sayaka being totally insane at the time. It wouldn’t be fair to just start making out with someone in the middle of a breakdown.
(And anyway, she told herself, that was stupid of her to want. She was a magical girl. Independent and fierce and strong. She didn’t get attached to anyone, especially not sappy little girls who spent their time pining after boys and believed in things like heroism.)
It surprised her even more, then, when Sayaka grabbed her arm and pulled her down into a tight hug.
“Kyoko,” Sayaka sniffled, and then she was bawling into Kyoko’s arms. Kyoko froze. A magical girl’s reflexes ran deep, and her first instinct was to pull away, get a safe distance between herself and Sayaka. But… she couldn’t leave Sayaka. Not like this. Instead, he returned the hug hesitantly, not really sure what she was supposed to be doing.
Sayaka didn’t have any reservations, though. She buried her face in the gap Between Kyoko’s neck and shoulder, leaving dark tear stains on the red of her outfit. Probably she should think that was gross, but she really couldn’t bring herself to care. Instead, she just rested her own head against Sayaka’s, feeling the thin silk of her hair against her cheek.
Sayaka smelled like sweat and dirt and blood and rot. (Not, of course, that Kyoko had much room to comment—fighting witches wasn’t exactly a tidy job.) It wasn’t a pleasant smell by any means, but it was still somehow more reassuring than it had any right to be. Kyoko knew she couldn’t have imagined that kind of stench, so it stood to reason that she wasn’t imagining this either.
“Are you…okay now?” Immediately, she wanted to smack herself for that. What a stupid question.
“I…” Sayaka hiccupped and took a shaky breath. She looked up at Kyoko, her eyes red and tears still running down her face. “I just… what was I doing?”
“Being stupid?”
Sayaka smiled a bit at that. “Well, yeah. I was just so…so angry with myself. I told myself I wouldn’t regret anything, but then I ended up wallowing in self pity anyway.” Sayaka took a shaky breath. “I really am stupid, aren’t I?”
“You’re not stupid. Well, mostly. And it’s okay to regret things sometimes.” Kyoko thought of the smell of smoke, hot and acrid on the back of her tongue.
“Thank you,” Sayaka said softly.
“Nah,” Kyoko grinned and scratched the back of her head with one hand. “Don’t even think about it, right? It was no problem. And hey,” she grinned, even as her chest tightened and her heart began to race. “If you want to win over that Kamijo of yours after all, I’ll definitely lend you a hand!”
Not that she wanted to. Any idiot who would pick another girl over Sayaka obviously didn’t deserve Sayaka. Not that she would want him to have Sayaka even if he was the best person in the whole world. She wanted Sayaka. But her wish had taught her one thing, and that was that she couldn’t control other human beings that way and expect everything to turn out okay. If Sayaka wanted Kamijo, she’d get Kamijo, even if Kyoko had to break his arms and legs to make that happen.
(It was okay if it was Sayaka who was controlling people, of course.)
“No,” Sayaka said, her head tilted to the side thoughtfully, “You don’t have to do that. I think…” and her smile was pained, but bright and real and the most beautiful thing Kyoko had ever seen, “…I think he and Hitomi will be happy together.” She paused for a moment, and her gaze darted to the side. She looked nervous. “And anyway, there’s someone else I like.”
Kyoko’s heart caught in her throat.
Sayaka caught Kyoko’s fingers, tangled their hands together. “Um.” She blushed. “Do you maybe want to get ice cream sometime or something, Kyoko?”
yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes
“Only if you’re paying,” Kyoko said, smiling so wide she thought her face burst.
“Cheapskate,” Sayaka grumbled, then leaned in for a kiss.
Her lips caught Kyoko’s. And there, under the deep night sky and the halogen glow of the streetlights, Kyoko had only one thought running through her head.
Hell.
Yes.