Archive of Our Own

Rae leaned against me.

It was a simple gesture she did all the time, clingy and loving both. And yet, more and more I could feel her fragility, which she often tried to shield me from with words of love I had never grown tired of hearing.

“What do you think of her choice now?”

The question slipped from my lips all of a sudden. I hadn’t been sure if I should even ask, but now that it was out, I knew Rae would give me a fair answer.

“I feel I have a better understanding of it these days,” I added as she didn’t immediately answer.

“I’d say my perspective hasn’t changed on it. I’m very much happy, you know?”

I smiled, looking over the dandelions that peppered our backyard. Their petals had long fallen but their seeds had yet to fly.

“I know. So am I. It’s just… It’ll happen soon, won’t it?”

I couldn’t stop the shiver in my voice. I knew I wasn’t prepared for it. I didn’t know how to. For my mother, young as I was, there was no way to do so; for my father, I had Rae by my side; for…

“Claire…”

I felt her hand lightly hold my cheek, gently bringing my gaze to hers.

“I… I’m sorry I won’t be able to accompany you the rest of your path.”

“Why are you apologizing? This is no fault of your own.”

“Maybe. I just don’t like seeing you sad.” She took a deep breath. “This is a good time. I’ll at least leave you these words, since we never know when I could go.”

I stared at her, my heart shaking. My ears rang; they didn’t want to hear it.

“W-wait…”

“I don’t want to leave you in the middle of the night, unable to tell you these things I have to say. Will you allow me this indulgence?”

My eyes closed; unable to sustain her smile. My arm brought her closer; I wanted to keep her close and never let go.

I took a deep breath, knowing where this was going, and opened myself to her words.

“Okay.”

She nodded, still smiling her bright happy smile I had learned to love ever so deeply.

“Claire, I…” She swallowed air. “You’ve made me… impossibly happy all my life. I couldn’t ask for more.”

Already, my eyes stung.

Her voice, usually hoarse with age, seemed to find a certain youthful vigor that brought me back to earlier days.

“Thank you, Claire. Honestly, there’s so much to say. I could go on all day and night, but I’ll try and keep it short. I’ve always been satisfied just by being with you, so I must tell you how fulfilling you’ve made my life with your initiatives. Be it the twins, the loop, the school or every little thing you brought into my life… I know I would never have found any of those little sunshines on my own or with someone else. Thank you. Even through our hardest patches, you’ve never given up on me. Even now, as I have trouble getting around without a cane, you’re by my side, supporting me. I really appreciate it; I know it’s not easy. Thank you. Thank you for helping me every day. Thank you for this lifetime. Thank you for bringing so much love to our lives. I would go on but, ah, look at the mess I’ve made again.”

She brought her thumbs under my eyes, brushing the tears away.

“Claire, I love you.”

She kissed me.

Her lips were slightly chapped, but it didn’t matter any. I kissed back, returning all of her passion.

I moved to hug her close, needing to feel all of her against me.

Rae…

More tears fell.

I wasn’t ready.

“I’m not ready.”

“I don’t think it’s possible to be,” she replied confidently, but all I could see were her quivering eyes behind her glasses.

“That’s not fair.”

“When is love ever fair?” she chuckled.

“And why aren’t you crying?” I complained.

“I think they’re waiting for you to return the words,” she teased me, even now, smiling.

Ah, that’s right.

“Then let me start by telling you, Rae. I love you and forever will.”

...

I woke up as I usually did: blinking my dry eyes, feeling my age in muscle and bones and slowly turning my head to watch my love sleep and eventually wake up.

I immediately noticed something was wrong that morning. I thought I already knew the time would soon come—but I hadn’t expected so soon. I still hadn’t accepted that it would undoubtedly come.

“Rae?” I whispered.

She felt… so incredibly still.

I moved my hand from her own cold one and sat up.

“…Rae?”

As I watched her, her usual cute sleeping face still there amongst the wrinkles of old age, I realized she wasn’t breathing.

Hesitantly, I laid a hand on her chest. I felt tears come to my eyes. Rae…

My tears formed quickly, dropping to our white strawberry-patterned covers, wetting them in splotches like rain on a dark fall day.

Silently, I lowered my head atop her immobile chest, my own shuddering with every choked-up breath.

Rae…

“I love you,” she’d just told me last night as she always did.

It had been a good day for her, too. She’d had more energy than usual. A bright spark before the end. More of my tears fell. I thought—I had tried preparing myself for this, but she had been right. There was no way to do so, was there?

Memories of past years began to flow back as my crying slowed.

Our first meeting, her seemingly boundless energy for making life hard for me.

Her, doing everything to support me.

Her, clinging to me as I admitted my feelings.

Us, adopting our daughters, watching them grow, protecting them.

Us, pushing past boundaries everywhere.

Us, working together, always.

Us, retiring way later than what was usual.

Us, enjoying our later years.

Us, realizing she had a hard time following my pace.

Me, taking care of her in every way I could.

Her, still clear of mind at this age, looking at me as if I was everything that was good in this world.

Me, loving her to her last breath.

My cries redoubled, suddenly wishing for more time. The little part of me that wanted every little service cried out and yelled, “Give me my Rae back!”

I clutched at her body.

“Rae,” I gasped, sobs wracking my old body.

“Mama Claire, what’s—”

“Mother... Rae...”

I looked up, finding my girls not young and vibrant, but almost just as old as the two of us. We had them young, only around ten years apart. They had been staying over this weekend.

I couldn’t say anything, only able to watch their worry give way to uncontainable grief.

Echoing my silence, they walked forward with quivering wet eyes.

Aleah kneeled down by Rae’s side of the bed, taking her hand in hers and hanging her head. She’d always been so close to her.

May came around and held me.

I dug my head into her shoulder, feeling the stalled tears following the same rivers down my cheeks.

There were no words said for a while, simply the sound of us grieving her passing away first.

...

“Thank you, Rae. I’ve deeply enjoyed the lifetime we spent together… I love you and forever will.”

I remembered saying these words to her, and more tears slipped out, down, trailing down my cheeks.

“I’m sure I’ll see you soon.” I whispered this last part for myself, trying to find a bit of comfort in the words.

Rae’s memorial service was at an end. I didn’t really notice the time pass, finding myself swallowed yet again by memories of our lifetime. Every day we ate together. The joys we shared…

Our friends started to come around to offer their condolences before departing for the restaurant I had booked. For Rae to be the first to go amongst us all had some of the younger ones stunned, like Lana and Joel. Manaria found herself incredibly serious, not even a little peep of a jab at Rae like she always loved to do when they met. Thane and Rod were conversing silently, recalling things Rae had put into motion or helped with. Misha was still sobbing in Yu’s arms to the side. The two had a bit of a falling out when the truth of Rae’s life came to light, I had later learned. However, the two friends had grown ever closer across the years. Seeing all these people brought to mind how many we had touched. Rae couldn’t help herself sometimes, helping those she could when she came across them. As students, our friends and acquaintances, as teachers, so many students we had taught, and as headmistresses, the teachers we had directed and helped.

Philine gave me a few words of parting before heading out. I had sent her a letter, and she’d made it in a hurry to Bauer, arriving just a day ago. As much of a rivalry Philine thought they had had, she did respect Rae a great deal. It was all too obvious now. Unfortunately, she couldn’t take part in the repast, busy as she was.

Lene and Lambert came up to me next.

“Miss Claire.”

“Do you know how wrong that sounds at this point?” I asked, a little bit peeved that even now she wouldn’t drop it. Did she even realize how old we were?

“I don’t think so. Miss Claire is Miss Claire.”

“Stop saying it.”

“As you wish, Miss Claire.”

She said it all in an overly sugar-sweet tone. She absolutely got worse with age.

“Will you be heading back to the Alpes?” I asked.

“We were considering staying a bit. We haven’t been in Bauer for so long now; there’s a lot to see—like your school.”

“I could give you a tour. I haven’t visited this year yet either.”

“Sure, that’d be wonderful.”

Once we made plans in a few days, Lene followed up with a most dreadful accusation.

“Do you need any help around the house? Can you cook?”

“Lene, that’s extremely rude.”

“But can you?”

“No. No, I still can’t, alright? You don’t know how many times Rae tried to teach me. And I don’t know what’s wrong with my body—I simply can’t cook.”

Lene laughed and I couldn’t help but do so either. Every time something exploded or became a tasteless sludge, Rae would cheer me up in her peculiar lovely way. The thought brought a tear to my eye, which somehow, even after the last few weeks, was still not the victim of a drought.

Lene teared up at the sight, too.

“Ah, I’m sorry, Miss Claire.”

She brought her arms around me and I returned her warm embrace.

“It’s alright, Lene. I just... already miss her.”

“Yes, I understand. Rae was truly irreplaceable in our lives.”

Behind her, I could see Lilly sobbing in our daughters’ arms. How could she still have tears to cry? She hadn’t stopped crying since breaking down in front of her urn.

Rae...

Truly, we love you so, so much. You are and will be greatly missed.

...

I woke up as I usually did now: blinking my dry eyes, feeling my age in muscle and bones and slowly turning my head to see her empty side. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and whispered,

“I miss you…”

Today marked a month. It… had easily been the hardest month of my life. Every day now, I turned and felt the claws of loneliness and loss tear into my heart. And every day, I wondered if that pain would ever fade with time. In a way, I didn’t want it to. I still loved Rae. To me, that was proof of my feelings for her.

I turned my gaze from the covers and pillow to the small bed Ralaire usually occupied on Rae’s nightstand. It… was oddly empty. I raised an eyebrow and sat up, unable to keep my thoughts from drifting to Rae again as I saw her glasses lying there.

Aging had been harsher for her. I had told her too, that not exercising would come back to bite her, but she had been stubborn to the end. Healing magic was extremely potent in that it could heal wounds, cure illnesses and even help us recover from muscle fatigue, but it couldn’t do miracles. It had very clear limits. The aging of our bodies, their degradation which was a natural part of our lives, could not be stopped, but exercising, keeping our bodies moving and healthy did help keep it together. In her last year, I had had to help her move around and support her; even eating had become difficult. Rae loved the attention, but I knew she had felt some regret as well for relying on me and our daughters so much.

“Ralaire?” I called out softly.

I moved to the side of the bed and stood up, leaving the covers’ warmth. I had fared much better in those terms. I could still move around, though I had lost my youthful agility and strength. I moved to our closet to change from my nightgown to a dress I could easily slip into. Autumn was just beginning, but it felt already cool within the house. We would have an early winter this year. I added a light coat to my dress before taking a pair of long fluffy socks I had knitted. Sitting back on my bed and bending over to put them on, I felt my back give some resistance. Time was slowly but surely taking from me as well.

As I was about to walk out of our room, I stopped and took a glance in the mirror and smiled. I had never been able to allow myself a hairstyle other than my mother’s. Even now, with my hair turned to a pristine white, it draped down my back. There were still some ringlets from the last time Aleah had done them… I knew it would be easier for them if I cut it short, maybe around Rae’s length, but I was still attached.

I called out to Ralaire once more as I left, a bit louder, though my voice didn’t reach the heights of my younger days. She…. didn’t show up. I was starting to worry. Where had she gone? She was usually still sleeping when I woke up. The rare times she wasn’t, she would wait in the kitchen, hungry for breakfast.

But she wasn’t there either.

May and Aleah were due to visit later. It was a rare weekend where they were both free. Only one of them came home twice a week to help with my hair, bathing and meals, last of which had become much easier to handle since Rae and May had helped design what she had called a fridge. Using water magic and magical stones, the small cabinet-like box could keep things cold for long periods of time. The invention had revolutionized the world over. Magical tools such as that one were much more common now. Most people still could not afford them easily, but they were gradually making their way. I couldn’t help but smile proudly, the movement pulling my wrinkled cheeks upwards. May was part of the group leading such innovations. She could have retired by now, but she still wanted to help—and it seemed her teammates were of the same mind. They were quite the eccentric group, after all.

Rae and I had been so proud of her when she gathered her own team and created her laboratory. We’d thrown a feast for her and her friends, duly embarrassing her. It was a mother’s duty, or so Rae had declared.

Ah, Rae. I miss you.

I left our home behind.

I could not find Ralaire at all.

I felt it in my heart. There was only one spot she could be then.

I walked the path leading to our favorite hill near our home. The long-lived tree still stood there, a testament to time. That place had become special to us, our family. We had spent many a time there to celebrate, to relax, to enjoy each other… and that… had been where Rae wished to be buried. It was still hard to think about. Just three weeks ago, as per her wishes, her body had been cremated—an uncommon practice here in Bauer—and Aleah, May, Ralaire and I had buried her ashes there after her memorial service, leaving a small gravestone to mark her resting place. It read: Rae Taylor – An everloving wife and mother.

I came up on the hill, but Ralaire was nowhere to be found. My heart sank. What had happened to her? Slowly, finding the hill was tougher to climb now, I made my way up regardless. I had better visit Rae lest she got lonely. And maybe Ralaire was hiding there, crying in her own way. She also needed comfort.

Nothing could have prepared me for what I found up on the hill.

I fell to my knees on the soft grass.

Beside Rae’s gravestone was Ralaire’s inert core.

She… she had gone to join her master.

Tears dropped to the ground, watering the soil.

“Ralaire…” I whispered mournfully, my breathing rasp as my tears became cries and my cries became sobs. Another one had left me…

I picked up her core carefully, feeling its cold edges on my skin, and held it to my chest warmly.

I understand, Ralaire. You also missed her very much. I’m sure you wanted to keep her company while she waited for me.

I cried for a moment longer—hitched sobs slowly calming to soft tears—and for another, as I underestimated my sorrow, my grief.

When they finally calmed, I looked down at the ground, still lacking grass from where May had dug out a hole with her magic. I laid out my palm on it, trying to feel Rae’s presence somehow. Ralaire was secure and warm in my other hand. The earth had hardened a bit with the changing seasons. I warmed it up, drawing on a light flame spell, and started digging. Using my hand messily and awkwardly, I dug low enough that she would not be disturbed and slowly brought Ralaire’s core close to her master. Shedding a few more tears, I filled the hole and softly tapped down on the earth, flattening it. I would bring a few flowers from our garden later.

I wasn’t well acquainted with slimes’ biology or familiar contracts, so I didn’t know why she had passed now. But I knew Ralaire had also lived a long fulfilling life with us.

I tried my best to smile. Surely, it came out crooked.

“I love you, Ralaire. I love you, Rae. I will see you soon, I’m sure.” I chuckled, tearing up as I imagined them throwing themselves at me after taking so long. The core memory would definitely reappear then.

I murmured an apology. Just as Rae had promised me she would, I would live my life to its natural end. So many of my lives had ended prematurely; there was still much for me to see and experience, even at this age.

You may already be gone, but you are both always here with me, Rae, Ralaire.

I started down the hill prudently.

Now… I had to break the news to Aleah and May.

...

I watched as Aleah silently went through the motions of meal preparation, sometimes handing something to May or taking another from her. In her place, I saw Rae, rarely ever silent if I was in the room. Now, after letting them know of Ralaire’s departure, that rare silence hung ever so heavily on our household, and unfortunately, as much as I wanted to help, I wasn’t sure where to start. The two were perhaps even closer to Ralaire than I was. They’d lived a good part of their childhood with her. She was their friend and even a confidant. I knew they had to be hurting and now had to cook for me on top of that.

“Are you still working on that collaboration project, May?” I asked, trying to make light conversation.

“Mm? Oh, yeah. We kind of ran into a couple issues, but I’ve reached out to TAIM for help.”

“Huh? You reached out to TAIM?” Aleah asked, now putting together the pork stir-fry that would be one of my meals for the next few days into the wok. The lack of variety was disappointing, but it was a byproduct of being alone now. Fortunately, I was often out of the house to help where I could around the schools of the capital. “Isn’t she busy?”

“Yeah, it’s tough to get an answer from her as usual, but it was as accurate as you would expect.”

“That’s not exactly what I meant…”

“Yeah, I know, but that won’t stop me from getting the help my team needs.”

Aleah didn’t reply. While they had differing views concerning TAIM, they’d eventually accepted each other’s opinion. Rae and I understood both sides, having considered the matter extensively in the past, but, in the end, they hadn’t needed us to solve their issue.

“Is TAIM still as unknowingly rude?”

“I don’t understand how she hasn’t caught on to emotions despite having literally lived millions of years,” May complained.

May filled the sink while Aleah continued to stir the ingredients together.

I had similar thoughts back then, starting from that insensible comment she’d made about Rae. As human as she seemed, the cracks did show in those moments.

“Mama Claire, Ralaire really missed her, huh?”

“Yes… Yes, I’m sure she did.”

Of course, I fully understood where that question came from.

“It’s a miracle Ralaire lived this long. Familiars are tied to their master’s magic… It’s really a testament to Mother Rae.”

We all fell silent, left only with the sound of Aleah keeping the meat and vegetables moving in the wok.

It was inevitable, I thought… Vanishing from our lives so suddenly. Even knowing it would come didn’t help the fact that we would not see them again. We wouldn’t hear Ralaire’s little squeaks and squeals or feel her bounces on our heads or wipe away the slime she sometimes left behind on our shoulders or see her sleeping, exhausted after an unnaturally active day… I wouldn’t be able to see her when I woke up, a little someone to help me forget Rae’s empty side of the bed. Truly, now, I understood exactly how Rei Ohashi must have felt. Every choice she made, as wrong as they were, I understood them now.

“I’m very much happy, you know?”

Yes… As painful as this all was…

I suddenly blinked, realizing the sound of Aleah working the kitchen and May washing the dishes had stopped. I looked up to find Aleah had already turned off the fire and pulled everything together to rest on the counter tidily.

In one decisive imperative, she blew away every thought.

“May, Mother Claire, put on your shoes.”

“Huh?”

She smiled a bright smile, like we were heading out for a picnic as a family, and ran out the room. May and I stared at each other, questioning exactly what got into her.

“Let’s just go out,” Aleah said as she returned, handing May and I our pair of shoes. “It’s no good to just sit around, right?”

Right then, I was reminded of Rae once more.

“Claire, do you want to dance?” she had asked some days after my father’s passing.

I had glared at her and spat some words that she’d taken in stride, only for her to take my hand and pull me along.

“Aleah…” I looked over at May, who nodded and left the dishes for later. “Alright.”

I put on my shoes and took her hand and we were out the door in the next instant.

It was a bright day out.

...

In this moment, in this presence of mind, I thought back to the Loop System we had repurposed. Traveling the world, explaining concepts, mediating leader debates, convincing TAIM of her flawed logic… After that came the real arduous task of undertaking the survival of mankind. TAIM along with Her Holiness Clarice started teaching the magic researchers who were interested in science and technology. Rae was reluctantly roped in back then as well. Her grumbling still brought a smile to my face. It took some years before there was enough of a foundation of knowledge and scholars for her to take off, returning to my side… not at the Academy but at our own school.

Despite Rae’s reluctance at being worlds apart from me—her words, though I would admit to missing her infectious smile—she made great contributions, chief amongst them being the improvement to a rarely seen system.

While the Eternal Loop System had become more of a library now, that one system still ran with a different purpose. A purpose that had lain forgotten on the wayside when Rei Ohashi had taken over. What was that system? Well… Its complete form was titled Paradis, a word for Paradise from Claire François’ original country. Rae had found it one day when working with TAIM on listing all the key systems. TAIM judged it as superfluous, but after a few questions, Rae had asked her to keep it and to help her modify its functions a little. It was the reason she had heard her dearest friend. It was the reason Aleah had heard her Master.

“This system is a minor part of the loop, which we are decommissioning. I cannot go against the wishes of the administrators, Rae Taylor.”

“No TAIM, this doesn’t fall under that umbrella. It has nothing to do with the quantization of souls. Just like we are repurposing the Loop System for learning, we can keep this system and add to it a little, so as to help people pass away in peace. This doesn’t go against your core principles or objective, does it?”

“That is correct. It would not have any significant direct impact. However, aren’t you afraid I could tamper with it?”

“If you’re asking me the question, then we both already know the answer. Isn’t that right?”

“I could enumerate scenarios where it would be the correct course of action, but it seems those are extremely unlikely in light of the state of the world.”

“See? Help me get to work now.”

“Once we are done with our primary task.”

“Ugh. Fine.”

In spite of its name, it wasn’t an actual heaven for the deceased. In fact, it had been made for the living. While the soul passed on to await the next cycle, its memories could be called upon to help their close ones in times of need. The requirements for it were strict, which was why it was such a rare and unheard of spiritual event, but it worked. And now, it was a system that was part of our lives. Rae had passed on. Souls were no longer preserved for the next cycle. Only little fragments of memories would link back from the Eternal Library to provide a last little joy before we went on our way. Still, that was comforting in its own way.

I closed one of Rae’s many, many diaries. I had a few of my own, but Rae had pretty much chronicled our whole lives. Yes, even those parts. No, I would not do the same. Such shamelessness.

I felt closer to her reading through her thoughts. Today was her anniversary and I simply couldn’t sleep. Even with our daughters sleeping in the guest room, having spent the day with me in remembrance, I couldn’t find slumber. All I could find were the sparks of joys past. The bittersweet kind. The kind you just couldn’t help but wallow in despite the pangs of hurt.

“Rae, I love you…” I whispered, holding her diary close.

...

“Miss Claire. I’m glad you could visit.”

“Of course. I owe it to Rae and myself to come by every so often, and you did send a letter.”

The current headmistress was one of our old students. In some years, this connection between generations would be lost, and things would change as they should.

“Pertaining to that, would you like to see it?”

“Of course.”

I set the pace and we started forward.

“Are there any problems? Are you still managing?” I asked.

“Please don’t worry about me, Miss Claire. It’s a big workload, but I’ve been handling it well—at least according to my old colleagues.”

“Take some time to rest, too. I know all too well how bad it can get.”

She laughed. “Well, I’ve been forced to stay home before if that tells you anything.”

“Ah yes, I recall your wife always troubling all the teachers. I didn’t think she would continue to do so after graduating.”

“She, she wasn’t that bad, was she?”

“Do you not remember the fire?”

“The fire… Wait… That was her?!”

“Thankfully, Rae was nearby and only a part of the building was hit, but yes. She was on the verge of getting expelled for that.”

“W-why didn’t she?”

“There’s no point in expelling someone who simply needs help, is there? Rae personally took care of her. She always knew how to get to those types.”

“I see… It seems I owe this school and Miss Rae much more than I thought.”

“Don’t let it consume you. Rae did it out of the goodness of her heart.”

“I understand, but I’m still thankful.”

As we turned the corner, we arrived at a place resembling a sanctuary. I thought it was a bit overblown and uncalled for, but… seeing us up on the wall, so accurately represented, brought a tear to my eye.

“How do you…”

She grew quiet as she turned to me, but I didn’t answer yet.

The vibrant painting was a reproduction of a simple one we had requested of a street painter on a leisurely date. We were much younger then, no trace of any wrinkles and Rae had yet to need glasses. She had thrown her arms around my shoulders and gotten as close as she could, latching onto me with no shame whatsoever while I was trying to pose for the painter. He had laughed and told us to hold still like that. Even as I complained, they agreed that it made for a more natural representation, but she really just wanted to cling to me as always.

“Thank you. Rae would have loved it.”

Under the painting was inscribed: Claire François and Rae Taylor — Founders

“A-are you sure? Weren’t you opposed to this?”

“I don’t think holding us up on a pedestal is a good idea. That’s why, when you all insisted on us leaving a little something behind, I chose this painting. This works. This is us.” I swallowed my emotions but couldn’t help but comment, “God, I miss her so.”

The headmistress stayed silent, respecting my boundaries as she always did.

As I gave it one last look, I couldn’t help but notice, “Aha, thanks to this, I’ll be remembered as the taller one.”

The painter had gotten it wrong a little, so I appeared taller in this picture. A little revenge on my eternal teaser.

“Weren’t you the same height?”

“I always wear heeled boots for a reason.”

“Ohh.” She glanced down, nodding along.

“Well, classes should be out soon, right? Why don’t we head to the faculty room?”

“Ah, yes. Of course, Miss Claire.”

…

Years went by.

I couldn’t walk well or eat much anymore. It reminded me of Rae in her final months.

May and Aleah took turns, interrupting their lives to come care for me. I felt guilty about it and apologized to them, but they wouldn’t hear any of it. I really was thankful to have such wonderful daughters.

On the contrary, May often apologized that she couldn’t be there as much as her sister. Her work kept her busy. But I always reassured her that even if I missed her, I deeply loved her all the same.

It was also easier for Aleah as she had left the teaching of the art of the sword to one of her fervent disciples. As the second coming of the Sword God, she still visited, but the inherited title flustered her quite a bit, so she limited them.

Instead, she used her time to visit her own children and grandchildren, and to help me, especially now that I was on my way to join my beloved. I understood Rae now. That night before she passed, she had known it was coming soon. I had attributed it to her usual foresight, but I could feel myself growing weaker by the day. It wasn’t much of a guess.

Early on, I had spent my days catching up with friends, reading, knitting, embroidering, taking walks and visiting Rae and Ralaire’s grave. Sometimes, I taught a special segment of class or pronounced a short speech for some of the schools in Bauer, something that I had kept up with since retiring. But now, most of my friends had gone ahead as well, my fingers trembled too much to hold needles or books, and it eventually took a fair effort to even get out of bed. In my heart, I knew I didn’t have much longer, and I was at peace with that. I knew I would be joining my love. I couldn’t wait to see her, even if she was just a recreated memory. Of course, part of me did hurt at the thought of leaving our daughters behind, but I knew they had the support they needed.

“Mother Claire?”

“What is it, Aleah?” Even my voice came out hoarse now.

“Oh, nothing. You just looked about to fall asleep. Should I help you to bed?”

“Please let me enjoy this warmth a bit longer. It’s such a beautiful day out.”

“I-I’m not pressing you.”

“I know. Don’t worry. Just sit down beside me, Aleah.”

She did so silently, looking out at the scenery of our backyard. Aleah and May used to play a lot here, chasing after Ralaire and me while Rae watched over us.

“Mother Claire… Do you sometimes think you should have kept the Loop System?”

“Do you feel we should have made an effort to keep it as it was?”

“I’m not questioning everyone’s decision. I just wonder… what if?”

“What ifs don’t lead to a lot of good thoughts.”

“I know.”

“It’s obvious it’s been hard for me without Rae, hasn’t it?”

“I wouldn’t go that far… but you’ve been more reserved since.”

“Rae always knew how to tug out all of my feelings. I’m sorry if I’ve been distant.”

“No, that’s not it, Mother Claire. I just wish I could help you feel better in these moments. I miss her too, but I know it’s completely different for you.”

I leaned against her, clasping her hand.

“Thank you, Aleah. But you know, this melancholy isn’t all bad. It’s the bittersweet taste of dark chocolate. Happy times, sad times, even the last sparks of those closest to us. They are all good memories. Death is an important part of life. In a way, that’s what makes us truly cherish what we have now. I miss Rae. I miss my friends who have passed after her. But the fact that this won’t happen again is what makes it precious. If we put aside the survival of mankind, even unaware, it wasn’t right for us to repeat our lives over and over. Life needs to flourish and wither for growth to be had. Our children often achieve much more than we did, don’t they?”

Aleah didn’t hesitate in her answer. After all, she knew exactly what I was talking about, being a grandmother herself.

“You’re right.”

“That was what we believed back then… and that hasn’t changed now. You should ask TAIM sometime.”

“Mm… I’ll pass.”

I chuckled. An understandable refusal.

“Is it scary?” she asked.

“What is?” I replied airily, feeling the breeze along my hands. I was garbed in a thick knitted sweater, protecting me from the cool winds of spring, but also keeping me warm enough that the drowsiness Aleah had identified was starting to truly creep up.

“The thought of passing away.”

“Fear of death is completely natural, Aleah.”

“Yes, but… I wish I had more time.”

I couldn’t stop a yawn from escaping my lips. Oh, I wasn’t making it to bed.

“Whatever it is you want to do, Aleah. You need only do it. If you have no regrets, then the Sword God can brave even death.”

“Ugh, please Mother Claire, you know I don’t like that title.”

I closed my eyes. This wasn’t what truly worried her. Sometimes a little guess could go a long way.

“I know. You’ll always be my cute and valiant daughter. That’s why I’m not worried. You’ll be okay, Aleah. As scary as passing away can be, you have so many people who cherish you. You won’t be alone.”

“Ah.”

So, that’s indeed what it was.

“What makes you think you’ll be alone?”

“I’m… not sure. It feels like so many people we knew left us recently.”

“That’s true. I’ll be the last to go amongst my friends and Rae.”

“M-mother…”

“But I have you, your sister and your children. There’ll also be some of my students; you’ve met some of them. You don’t have to worry, Aleah. There’s always going to be someone, even if you’re the last like me.”

Aleah hummed, sniffing back tears, and hugged me. Perhaps there was a bit more to this, but I knew she would be fine. She was my daughter, after all.

I felt another yawn force itself out, prompting my daughter to softly pull away. Before she could say anything about it, I added, “You should talk to May, too. I think you’ll both find some comfort in it. You’re more alike than you think.”

At my comment, Aleah fell silent, and I leaned back against our outdoor bench. My eyes predictably closed on their own.

I heard Aleah speak softly, “You’re right… She might be more scared than I, even if she doesn’t think about it.”

I was about to fall asleep, but made sure to reply, my voice more of a whisper now, “That could be part of the reason why… she keeps herself so busy…”

“Oh, I hadn’t thought about that. Mother Clai… should… Oh… aslee…”

...

I woke up as I usually did now: trying to open my heavy eyelids, feeling my age in atrophied muscles and bones and slowly realizing I had not the strength to move much.

I felt her hand on my shoulder. Its warmth permeated my skin but immediately dissipated.

“Mama Claire? It’s morning.”

I opened my eyes. It felt like a monumental task… that I overcame.

“May…” I started, feeling how difficult it was to say a single syllable.

She noticed instantly, her eyes widening.

“I’ll get Aleah!”

She left and I closed my eyes to conserve what energy I had left. I didn’t think I would be this lucid at this point.

I opened my eyes again to find Aleah and May kneeling by my bedside.

I felt their warm hands surround my cold heavy ones.

“May… Aleah… We’ve both been,” I swallowed, trying to find some moisture, “so blessed to have you.”

“That—That’s…” May immediately stammered, but Aleah picked up after her.

“Thank you, Mother Claire. We-we feel the same way. We couldn’t have asked for more wonderful mothers.”

The words brought a tear down my cheek, which Aleah carefully wiped with her thumb, almost as if she was scared it would be enough to tear.

May quickly nodded. She was already tearing up. She’d always had that side to her; she’d start to cry when one of us did.

Ah, now Aleah as well.

It was like I’d momentarily been brought back to their childhood.

“We’ll miss you, Mother Claire.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize!” May shouted, but quickly picked herself up and continued in a softer voice, “Please don’t apologize now, Mama Claire.”

A soft breath that really should have been a chuckle escaped my lips.

Of course. How silly of me.

I couldn’t leave them on a sad memory.

“You’re right… May. Thank you.” I paused, breathing deeply. “I’ll always cherish… you both. Even if I’m not there, remember… Rae and I will always be in your hearts.”

“Do—” I watched May shake her head, feeling the light tremor through my hands and arms. “I’m sure Mama Rae is waiting for you.”

“She would…”

Of course, I remembered I would indeed see her, but that would just be… memories…

As it so often happened these last few years, I saw many of those pass by—but that also snapped me back to the present moment. I had to say these words.

“I love you… Aleah… May,” I whispered weakly. My lips were barely moving now.

I guess… It is true.

I felt faint. My consciousness was fading.

Was that…

“Rae…?” I managed a few last words. “Rae… I can finally… see you again…”

...

I reopened my eyes to find Rae in front of me.

I… reopened my eyes?

Rae?

“W-what’s going on? You’re actually Rae, aren’t you?”

“Ah, you can tell?”

“We’ve spent a lifetime together. I could recognize you instantly anywhere. What’s more, this isn’t just memories.” I closed the distance between us, noticing how my body didn’t hold me back and realizing how young Rae looked. I felt a flustering and youthful anger rise within me. “You lied to me. What did you do?”

She protested as I grabbed a fistful of her collar. We were even wearing our Royal Academy uniform.

“W-wait, wait, Claire! I’ll explain! I’ll explain! So please let me go?”

“Tell me the reason first. I decide what happens after.”

“I…” she trailed off, but her gaze didn’t stray from my own. “I wanted to leave this world with you. It just felt so lonely otherwise.”

“Then you’ve been waiting here for years?”

She shook her head. “No, not quite. TAIM granted me a little favor and made it so I would sleep until you came to me.”

“This isn’t happening for anyone else? We won’t be stuck in a loop?”

“No. This is unique to us, and there’s no more loops.”

I let her go.

“Absolutely incorrigible. Why would you not tell me this?”

“I wanted it to be a surprise?”

“Do you know how much I grieved your death?”

“This doesn’t spoil your feelings. I still died, Claire. So did you. Knowing I was here waiting for you wouldn’t have changed anything, would it?”

This gave me pause.

“You’re right… It wouldn’t. After all, just the thought of seeing you in a lapse of memories was enough to give birth to these bittersweet feelings.”

With our gazes still interlocked, she witnessed my grief, and I her understanding.

“Thank you, Rae. I missed you,” I whispered, “so much.”

We reached out together and simply hugged. It had been so long since we had such a firm, strong, reassuring embrace.

“How much time do we have?” I eventually asked.

“I’m, uh, not actually sure. TAIM said we’d naturally fade away once our quanta was erased, but she couldn’t specify a timeframe.”

“I see.”

“I think that light is growing closer though, so maybe that’s it?”

As she loosened her arms, I followed her gaze to find a stereotypical bright light in the distance. Well, then.

“That makes enough sense to me. However, why are we at the Royal Academy and why are we eighteen again?”

“Wasn’t that our best years?”

“They were passionate years, but I wouldn’t call them our best.”

“Oh?”

“Don’t you think our best years were after we finally settled down?”

“Sure, but I was referring to our bodies.”

“You were always after my body, weren’t you?”

“It’s perfect. What am I supposed to do?”

“Actually show some restraint?”

“Impossible.”

I chuckled, feeling a light surge of emotion at our little squabble.

“Alright. Since we’re here, do you want to know what happened after you passed?”

“As long as I can spend these last moments with you.”

“Of course. I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

We spent some time… just talking away. It had been years since. There was a lot to talk about, and as I recounted it all, we felt the light growing stronger and closer. We did have a time limit, but Rae didn’t seem to mind at all. And I didn’t either.

At least, not until we felt ourselves slowly fade away in each other’s arms and she stole my lips one last time.

I returned it in time.

Truly, what a cheeky love I had found myself with.