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“If I had to go, I’d like to go out just as beautifully.” Dazai murmured as they watched the fireworks explode, shooting off random coloured streaks into the night sky. His eyes didn’t reflect the bright lights that easily mesmerised the other members of the agency. They were numb to the joys of the world. His junior turned to him in concern and confessed, “I’d prefer you don’t go-” Atsushi stopped speaking when he noticed his mentor’s resigned gaze at the sky.
The silence between them lingered for what felt like hours before Atsushi sighed, “Please don’t stuff like that, even as a joke. ”He couldn’t sleep after hearing Dazai at the firework viewing and decided to take a midnight stroll to clear his thoughts. Now, hours after the other members of the agency had gone back to their dorms, Atsushi found himself sitting by the edge of the riverbank.
It wasn’t completely out of order for Dazai to make jokes about his demise- he was the agency’s one and only suicidal, womanising maniac, after all. However, he always made these jokes in a light hearted manner that never concerned him like this before. The distant look in Dazai’s eyes had given him away in an instant when his words deceived him. He was not joking. Dazai really was going to kill himself.
Atsushi brought his knees closer to him, resting his chin on them. His eyes glazed with unshed tears. Why would Dazai want to die? He was free from the Port Mafia and surrounded by loving people who cared for him like their own family. What more could he be lacking in life? It was enough for Atsushi.
As selfish as he may sound, Atsushi also didn't want him to die for another reason. He loved Dazai, every side and mask he wore. The Dazai who treated him to chazuke. The Dazai that doesn't see himself as human. The Dazai who’d do anything in his power to protect people he really cares about. He loved him too much to lose him.
Atsushi was pulled out of his thoughts when he saw Dazai. He was further upstream standing on the bridge above the river, precariously leaning over the edge. Scrambling up from his former position, he opened his mouth to shout for him not to jump. But before the words had even passed his lips, Dazai fell into the water with a splash. It took a second splash followed by the shock of ice cold water for Atsushi to realise he had plunged into the river too.
Although he had somehow managed it previously, Atsushi Nakajima could not swim. He had spent the majority of his days locked up in the prison of his old orphanage and then after joining the agency he never found the time between solving cases and trying not to get kidnapped. Hell, the first time he had entered a large body of water was when he and Dazai first met.
On the brink of death by starvation, he leapt into the waves fuelled by desperation. Though, the desperation he felt was probably not from the greatest of places (he was attempting to rob Dazai to acquire money for food) now he felt a deep desire to help him.
The cool water was a refreshing escape from the blazing summer heat. The silver haired boy put one arm in front of the other in an attempt to wade his way through the water. However, it lacked the grace and technique of an Olympic swimmer and as a result he was swiftly overwhelmed by the waves. Atsushi felt something brush against him. He blindly reached out for it only to recognise it as the soft fabric of Dazai’s trench coat. Gasping for breath, he swam up to the surface, clutching Dazai as he used all his remaining strength to pull them out of the river.
Coughing his lungs out on the safety of the riverbank, Atsushi caught his breath on his hands and knees. Beside him was his drenched mentor, who despite the fact he had made enough noise to wake the dead, hadn’t woken up. What if Dazai-san is actually dead? He shuddered at the idea. He has doesn’t have a pulse and I don’t know anything that can help him. Shaking, Atsushi fished his phone out of his pocket which somehow still worked and called his co-worker, Kunikida.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
His eyes were squeezed shut as he pleaded into the speaker. “Pick up, please, please, pick up, pick up-”
“I have.” Kunikida huffed, evidently irritated from being woken up in the middle of the night. “What do you want, it's literally 3am?”
“You answered, thank God! Dazai tried to drown himself and now he won’t wake up!” He explained, close to tears.
“I see. Do you know how to perform CPR?” He calmly asked.
Atsushi sniffed noisily, “No. Can you talk me through it?”
“I will.” He replied reassuringly. “First, I’ll call an ambulance so you need to-”
Dazai sat up with a loud cough, ejecting the remaining river water onto the ground beside them. Wiping his mouth using his soaked trench coat, he gave him a confused look which Atsushi easily returned.
“I’ll come get you two later,” Kunikida sighed wearily before ending the call.
Atsushi wailed, throwing his arms around Dazai’s neck. “I thought you died!” The force nearly knocked Dazai over as he brought his hand up to smooth his fingers through Atsushi’s wet, silver hair. He continued to repeat his motion, without uttering a word while Atsushi sobbed into his chest. As the tears died down into smaller hiccups, Atsushi withdrew from the embrace and asked, “Why did you do it?”
His fingers stopped combing his hair. “It’s a super long story.” Dazai laughed. “It would bore you to death, only God knows what Kunikida would do to me then?” His smile didn't meet his eyes and the laughter felt forced and strained. If they had this conversation when Atsushi had first joined the agency, he very well may have dropped it but Dazai meant so much more to him than before. He refused to let Dazai continue to hide behind his masks anymore when it could be endangering his life.
“I wouldn’t be bored,” He admitted, a slight blush adorning his cheeks, “I’m always excited to learn more about you.” Dazai’s eyes widened at the abrupt confession.
“I saw you just after I jumped.” Dazai mumbled, so quietly that Atsushi almost didn't hear him. “If I’d seen you earlier, I wouldn’t have done it.”
“Huh? Why’s that?”
“Because my goal is to commit a clean suicide!” he announced with new found vigour, receiving a nasty glare from Atsushi. “I didn't want to inconvenience you anymore than I do already.”
“I would never feel inconvenienced if I knew I was keeping you safe,” Atsushi declared, “ Next time you feel like this, come and talk with me first, I’ll listen.”
Dazai was astonished, “Nothing ever gets by you does it, huh?”
He tilted his head in confusion and Dazai leaned down to press a soft kiss to Atsushi’s cheek. It lasted a few moments before he moved away. Atsushi’s face was redder than a tomato. Dazai had just kissed him! He started trembling as if his legs were made of jelly.
“You good?” Dazai called, half concerned, half amused. He waved a hand in front of his face. “It was just a kiss- I’m not going to eat you alive.”
Reduced to a stuttering mess, Atsushi yelped, “W-Why did you do that?”
“It felt right in the moment..” He admitted but after a moment replied, “If you don’t want me to, I won’t do it again.”
“No it’s fine.” He laughed. “Kiss me someday when we’re not completely soaked to the bone.”
“Touche, Atsushi-kun, Touche.”
Kunikida shouted from the bridge down the river, “If you’re well enough to flirt then you’re well enough to get back to the dorms by yourselves!”
Dazai offered Atsushi a hand which he gladly took, “Let’s hurry. Deep down, I bet Kunikida is secretly worried about us!”