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There were rules to being a general, everyone knew that, there had to be rules, without strict rules what would happen? Gaius Octavius was an upstanding by-the-rules general, even if he did like to occasionally let his guard down, he followed the rules everyone had set for him since his birth. Ever since he was little, he was meant to follow the rules and do great things, one of those rules: never show weakness.
Physical weakness could be taken advantage of, mental and emotional as well, he kept his armor on in all senses, he didnt display his scars, nor did he ever show his ever growing fatigue, and when push comes to shove and another roman called him by his Ceasar title, he resisted the urge to flinch and yell at them for using that name, if someone knew he could go undone by a simple name, they would use it. Emotions were a tell-tale sign of weakness, sure crying out of pain or grief was typically accepted, but he was supposed to be over his grievances, or not remember them at all. Annoyance, anger to a degree, passion, contemptment, those were fine, but sadness, rage, elation, it would end in mockery for a general, an emperor, so he held it to himself, eventually growing numb to the gnawing pain and the lump in his throat that never truly went away, even at his happiest. Even talking about these problems irked Octavius in a way that he remained mute at the concept of sharing how he felt. So just keep it inside, mute it out of your mind, everything is fine.
But of course it couldnt be the case, why would it?
The ride back to the museum from yet another trip of someone attempting to steal Ahkmenrah’s tablet wasnt heavy at all, Teddy was smiling while Nicky did some coding, Larry saying he shouldnt use his skill to just hack into different encoded websites (to which he scoffed at), Sacegewea was holding Dexter, content while Ahkmenrah talked to her. It felt, almost domestic, as they drove in a car Larry rented last-minute, domestic , Octavius scoffed, the word came from the latin domus meaning house, shelter, home, he had one of those, though he never truly had one. The numbing feeling carried throughout his body as he looked out the window, hidden behind the headrest of a seat no one used, he didnt feel real, a feeling that came more often than he’d like to admit, he should be dead, technically he is dead, but he felt the pang of sorrow, and the burning of anger….the heart-ripping feeling of a love he can never have, maybe thats what he feels ever August dawn, everytime the light shines through the window, the feeling of death coming back to his body, knowing he’ll never truly be forgotten, no matter how much he wants it.
His eyes didnt actually process any of the dark landscape that they passed, illuminated by the glow of New York lighting, nor did his ears as Jedediah walked closer until he was standing next to the general. The cowboy tapped the roman’s shoulder, making him jump and turn “oh, its just you, sorry, i was…lost in thought” Jedediah sat down next to him, he had been worried about his friend for a while now, he seemed to space out more, had this sadness-tinged motion in everything he did. He seemed to be the most shaken up about this experience, compared to the other times they had to get the tablet back this was practically a cake walk. But he didnt forget the pain that he saw, plain as day, on the others face when they had become separated from the rest and lost for a good 10 minutes.
“Octavius” Jedediah said, making the other face him “are you okay?” he didnt miss the split second of panic that washed over the others features, “w-what? Yes, of course im okay! What would make you think otherwise?” the cowboy slid closer “dont lie to me, Octy” the roman could feel the aching in his eyes that he hadnt felt in years, his breathing stayed stable “Jedediah, i can assure you that i am fine, im just tired is all” Jed put his hand on the others knee, a kind gesture that broke Octavius’s heart just a little “i know how you look when yer tired, Octy, this is different” Octavius looked up to see the compassion in the others eyes “its me, Octavius” a choked back sob punched its way out of the general, he could barely feel the tears streaming down his face before he tried to hide himself, Jedediah went and pulled the roman to hug him, Octavius gripped the back of his shirt and started to sob harshly, over 50 years of pent up emotions all came rushing back when all he wanted to do was avoid it.
It was more than bottling it up, it had long been more than that, he had sealed a wall around it, a whole dam being built just because he was taught to never show this weakness, but all of the hurt, guilt, agonizing pain he had felt from his last life and this one crashed against that wall over and over, steadily, until Jedediah had put his hand on him, looking into his eyes with a softness he had never been treated to, the whispering promise of it being him , Jedediah, the cowboy that had captured his heart so many years back, it was a soft tap on the dam that had made it burst.
The cowboy could pinpoint the moment where Octavius finally gave in, laid down all his cards because the choked back sobs with occasional gasps broke into the general bawling, shaking while he grasped at the fabric of his shirt for dear life, Jedediah let out a heartbroken sigh and shifted them ever so slightly, his grip on the other was firm and reassuring, it came in waves, how hard the other cried but Jed was just relieved to know that the other still knew how to cry, he knew that Octavius had been in much more pain than any of them realized. Jedediah brushed back some of his hair in a soft gesture “you must be so tired” he murmured, barely heard between the shuttering sobs of the other
It had continued for a while, until the general huffed out a deep sigh and planted his head on the others chest, a calm silence passed over the two while they listened to the others “...im sorry” Octavius muttered, Jedediah shook his head “dont be” the rumbling of the car was steadily lulling the roman to sleep, something he hadnt done in a long while, Jedediah ran his hands through the others hair “you probably have a headache from cryin’ that much, take a nap, you’ll feel better” it was true, the ache in his eyes was replaced by a pressure in his head, it did hurt but he felt a fear about his unconscious mind “i…i dont want to….im…im scared to” the cowboy hummed “nightmares?” to which the general nodded his head
“Dont worry, if you have one ill be right here” Jedediah said, “promise?” Octavius asked, the cowboy leaned down to press a kiss to the top of his head “i promise”