Work Text:
.01
"Seriously, dude, I think he just likes you," Schmidt said.
Schmidt was a nice guy, Jenko reminded himself, and also no longer a virgin, but he'd still spent most of his high school days in clubs like the Juggling Squad (or Society or whatever) and then most of his Police Academy days coaching Jenko in the finer arts of studying, so ...
"Will you stop being such a fucking pussy about this? We can just do a bit of kissing - no tongue, even," he added, because he supposed kissing with tongue was, like, app kissing or whatever, and Schmidt probably hadn't quite gotten to that yet, ever, or at least not with another guy.
"Dude. I don't want to kiss you."
Jenko wanted to strangle someone, even if he really wasn't into all that weird sex stuff. "Will you stop being so fucking selfish for just one minute? You gotta do it, man. You heard the Captain - we pull this off, or we're toast."
The Captain had not, of course, used the word 'toast'. Jenko was in-character, though, and his character would definitely use a word like 'toast'.
"I think you're overreacting," Schmidt said. "Also, I'm not a pussy. You're a pussy."
"I said that, like, five minutes ago. You can't respond now to stuff I said five minutes ago."
"And anyway, so what if he's hitting on you? He looks nice. You could do worse."
Jenko imagined shoving Schmidt against the nearest wall and keeping him there. It was, he tried to tell himself, just an ugly remainder of their high school days. Besides, there was some weird shit on some of these walls. "He's black. I'm not going to do anything with some crazy hot black guy."
"O-kay," Schmidt said. "Can I have a moment to figure out if that's racist?"
"He's black, he's hot and I would totally hit that. You're supposed to be the fucking genius; you work it out."
Credit where credit was due: Schmidt did work it out. A little late, and a bit slow, but he did get there.
"No tongue, right?" Schmidt said. "Also, for the record, Maya was way hotter. I mean, we could talk about stuff, you know? It wasn't just a physical thing, like 'oh, she's so hot'. It was real. We had a real connection thing going on."
"Sure you did," Jensen said, and kissed him.
.02
"Dude, she's not hitting on you."
"Dude. She's, like, devouring me with her eyes. Literally."
"That's not a thing. You can't do that. So, what, you actually want me to kiss you? That's weird, man. That's, like, super-weird. Like, you're watching a movie, and you think it's the next Die Hard and then all of a sudden, there's kissing and stuff and it's, like, Bridget Jones's Diary Three or something."
"Dude. That's, like, the chickest chick flick ever."
"Dude. Die Hard is not a chick flick."
"Stop it. Stop acting like you're some stupid idiot."
"You stop acting like you're some stupid idiot. Will you just kiss me?"
.03
"This is bullshit," Schmidt said. "I mean, what, just because we're both gay, we should be okay with kissing in front of you guys? We're friends, dude. What, you go around making out in public with all of your friends? Which, for the record, totally cool, man. No judgment."
Jenko nodded. "What he said." Schmidt probably tasted like toothpaste right now, all minty and gross.
"Is not bullshit," the doorguy guy said. "Is test. You pass, you go inside. You not pass, you not go inside."
Schmidt put on that face he put on when shit was about to get real. "You first."
"Yeah," Jenko said.
"No." The doorguy guy shook his head. "No, no. Am not gay. Am thinking, you not gay, either, eh? Want to watch, go rent video. My cousin, he has a shop, not far from here. Special price."
"Dude, I'm totally gay. Like ... like a Christmas tree. A pink, rainbow-colored Christmas tree."
Doorguy guy looked momentarily stumped. Jenko winced. "Like Bruce Willis in Die Hard," he said. "And that other guy - you know the one."
"The mad bomber?" Doorguy guy frowned, then turned to Schmidt. "Your friend, I am thinking, a little sick in the head, yes? A bit, how do you say it? Fruit loops?"
"Dude, that is totally offensive," Schmidt said. "What are you, some sort of homophobe? What, you took this job so you could get paid for beating up gay guys, is that how it is?"
"You kiss, no problem."
"Oh, I do think we've got ourselves a problem here," Jenko said.
"Oh, I sure think so, partner," Schmidt said, which would have been fine, really - except that there was, like, kind of a line behind them at this point, so ...
"If he's your partner, just kiss him already, man. Not like you haven't before."
"Yeah."
Schmidt looked at Jenko. Jenko thought fuck!, promptly imagined Schmidt naked and kissed him.
.04
"This is terrible porn. Like, worst porn ever."
"I guess gay people just have different tastes or something."
"Yeah, but, I mean. Like that, right there. Like you can even do that."
"I can."
"Fine. Prove it."
"Dude."
"No, seriously. I'm serious. Prove it, or admit you're a big, fat liar."
.05
Jenko had braced for the worst. He'd told himself that it wouldn't do Schmidt any good if Jenko were to lose his shit now and that the best thing he could do right now was to stick to the mission.
"Dude, what are you wearing?"
Schmidt scowled. "It's a janitor's uniform."
"Illegal underage sex slave rings have got janitors?" Jenko had not imagined janitors. He'd imagined - well, to be fair, he'd sort of imagined sexy stuff. Not sexy underage sex slave stuff, obviously, but, well, underage sex slave stuff that would look sexy on Schmidt. Like a costume.
"Dude. Of course they've got janitors here. I mean, we're in a building. Buildings need janitors."
"Well, yeah. But." It was not a sexy janitor's uniform. "That's good, right? I mean, they're not going to ask a janitor to suck people's dicks, right? And you can go all sorts of places."
Schmidt looked dubious. "I think I'm, like, supposed to suck yours?"
"Oh." Jenko had done his research. The internet was full of stories about people to whom shit like this happened. Going undercover in a sex slave ring, getting sent to suck your best friend slash partner's dick. The stories had made it sound sort of easy, like it was just the kind of thing you needed to take your relationship to the next level. Like it was, when you got right down to it, sort of romantic.
"Or I guess you could suck mine. I mean, if that's what you're into."
"Dude, I'm not into sucking other people's dicks," Jenko said. "That's just sick."
"Thanks. Really. That's, like, totally making me feel better, dude."
"I didn't mean it like that."
"You did mean it like that."
"Dude, stop twisting my words. Seriously." They'd searched Jenko for weapons when he'd come in. Still, "You want out of here, we're out of here. Guns blazing and shit. We can find you some new clothes."
"They said I looked too old," Schmidt said. "Like, in my forties or something? And I was, like, dude, get your eyes checked. I mean, forty? That's seriously old. Fuck off, I don't look like I'm forty."
"Like, you got lucky, but it kind of sucks?" Jenko tried. He didn't think Schmidt looked like he was in his forties. He didn't really think Schmidt looked like a potential underage sex slave either, though. Like, the kind of guy Jenko should cut his dick off just for thinking sexy thoughts about.
Schmidt's expression was thoughtful. "Yeah. I guess. I mean, I'm committed, okay? I'm 100% committed to this assignment. But, I mean, dicks! In my mouth!"
"Hey, you think they got cameras in here?" Jenko looked at the ceiling. It looked like there was only a smoke detector up there, but ... yeah.
"I'm not going to suck your dick," Schmidt said quickly. "Like, no way, Jose."
"We could just, like, make out a little." Jenko's mouth was dry. "You know, pretend."
"I'm not going to pretend to suck your dick, either."
"You are such a prick," Jenko said and kissed him.