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The air was beginning to cool. The long-stretching desert landscape of nothingness was darkening moment by moment. The chatter between the two boys in the front seats had been waning off ever since. And the awkwardness only grew. At least, he felt awkward. He wondered if he was stupid to feel it. Probably. The boy next to him probably didn’t even notice any shift in the air, because there wasn’t really one. It was all just in his head, like everything had always been. Yet he hoped that he wasn’t crazy, that maybe this time it would be different…
“Will?” A distant voice brought reality crashing back into his face. It was Johnathan, staring at him expectantly through the rearview mirror, his eyes droopy and tired.
“What?” Will managed.
“I said, we are going to stop over at a motel off the next exit for the night okay?”
Will nodded. He much preferred sleeping in some cheap bed than the hard backseat of this van. He could really use a shower too, the built up grime of being shot at, digging up holes in the desert, and sitting in over 100 degree heat really was getting to him. Though, that wasn’t what was getting to him most.
Will tentatively wandered his eye to the opposite side of the passenger seat, trying to subtly get a glimpse of the presence beside him. He hadn’t dared look anywhere other than straight out of his side’s window since their conversation several dreadful hours ago. The boy beside him hadn’t made any efforts to pull him away from said window either, and seemed to Will to have been doing the same on his side. The dark haired boy was staring hard out of the window, Will wasn’t even sure if he even had heard his minimal exchange with Johnathan from the unwavering focus he seemed to be giving the desert. Will turned back to his window, and stared blankly out until he view was obstructed by a clearly very old flickering sign of the rundown motel straight off the highway exit.
“We made it Brochachos!” The longhaired boy whooped from the driver’s seat. Argyle jumped out of the van as if they had just arrived at Disneyland.
Will hopped out to the unpleasant reality of the solemn cold desert. He made his way around to the trunk where Johnathan and Mike were unloading their sad excuse for packed bags. Mike looked up and caught Will’s eye. The first mutual acknowledgement they had shared since then. Will felt his heart skip a beat and immediately felt like a moron. Heart palpitations over a split second long meaningless eye contact, fantastic.
“Here.” Jonathan handed Will what was presumably his bag, “I’m gonna go help Argyle get our room keys.”
Will watched him walk towards the dimly lit reception where Argyle looked like he was frantically reenacting a war movie with his arms waving in the air crazily. Will ignored the fact that he was standing in the sparsely occupied parking lot of a rundown sketchy motel in the middle of nowhere, freezing, and alone with the one person he was sure he no longer spoke the same language as. If Mike had glanced over at him, Will chose not to notice it. He kept his eyes trained on the other boys inside, and quietly waited for their return.
Finally, Jonathan and Argyle were coming back to them.
“Wassup little Brochachos!” Argyle called happily. You could not tell by a longshot that this man had spent 12 hours in the same sweaty van as the rest of them.
“So… We just barely had enough for two rooms.” Jonathan held up two keys. “I’ll room with Argyle and the two of you in the other?” Jonathan was asking Mike and Will, but he was looking squarely at Will.
“Yea sure.” Mike spoke up flatly. He turned back to the van to grab his bag.
Jonathan crinkled his eyebrows at Will, making sure. Will nodded assuringly and took the key. They all made their way up the stairs to the second floor together, before separating into two rooms next door to one another.
“ ‘Night!” Jonathan called to them.
“G’Night Little Dudes! Don’t let the crawlies bite, hard!” Giggled Argyle before shutting their door.
Will unlocked their room and stepped in while switching on the light. The room was dimly lit by the cheap overhead lamp. The room was small. The carpet was a distant shade of yellow, from what he could only assume was originally white. The bed. Will was mortified to discover. The singular bed. Mike came in and stood next to him. If he was bothered by them having to share a bed, he made no show of it.
“You.. wanna shower first?” He offered, looking over at Will.
“Uh yea, okay.” Will responded.
He was too tired to remain shocked over his revelation. He set his things down on the left side of the bed and dug out clean pajamas before heading to the bathroom.
Turns out a shower was just what he needed. Will left it feeling as refreshed as a baby. Not only had the mildly too hot water thoroughly washed away the sweat and dirt, but it had fogged up a certain conversation that had occurred only hours earlier. Now he was ready to go to sleep and ignore everything worrying him that was beyond the bathroom door. He exited into the room and found Mike sitting on the bed fiddling with something. Mike looked up and offered one of his small half smiles that he had been handing out to Will since their reunion, before getting up to take his shower. They always left him uneasy.
Will walked over to the bed. He noticed out of the corner of his eye something sticking out of one of one of the bags. He went to it and unzipped the bag to reveal his painting. He didn’t have to unroll it to know, or to feel once again all of the dread his conversation with Mike earlier in the van had left him with. He quickly zipped up the bag again. He was tired. Way too tired to deal with this, or to even think about this for a minute longer today. Will then heard the water faucet switch off. He figured it would be better if he was already in bed by the time Mike came out, to avoid any further painful interactions of pretending everything was okay between them when it clearly was not.
Will settled into his side of the small bed, making sure to leave plenty of space for Mike, and switched off the light. The bed was cold and hard, but he was too tired to care anymore. He closed his eyes. He didn’t want to be awake for when Mike would inevitably squeeze in next to him. And he almost succeeded in drifting off, until he felt a warmness creep in next to him. A warmth he could recognize anywhere. And Will wasn’t so sure he could get a wink of sleep anymore, no matter how beyond exhausted he was.
“Will?” Mike whispered beside him.
No answer. Will kept his eyes shut. He heard a small sigh. Will opened his eyes. Thankfully he had his back to Mike. But the guilt ate at him.
“..Yea?” Will barely whispered back. He kept his back to the other boy.
“Sorry were you asleep?”
“No.. I can’t really sleep.”
“Yeah.. me neither.” Mike agreed, though his voice sounded adrift.
Will turned over to look at Mike, who was lying on his back staring up at the ceiling. He looked so lost in thought that he didn’t seem to notice Will staring at him. Will was thankful for that and for the darkness that could provide him and his gaze with some cover. He felt safer to study the face of the boy beside him. A face he had spent his life studying. Will would be way too embarrassed to admit that he had the curve of Mike’s nose and the dip between his lips practically memorized. He had never had an issue sketching Mike from memory, it was second nature to him at this point. While for Dustin and Lucas he had to really pay attention. This should have told him something a long time ago. Something he had grown to understand. Something he had grown to be guilted by more and more over the years.
“I…” Mike began, so quietly that Will could barely hear him. “I wanted to say about.. earlier..”
His words were a harsh snap back to reality. Dread and embarrassment swelled up inside of Will. He felt like screaming.
“Mike wait.. it’s fine really.” Will cut him off quickly. That was the very last thing in the world he wanted to talk about.
Mike just blinked up at the ceiling, still not facing him. Something about his lack of any reaction created a small simmering feeling inside of Will. But he forced it down.
“Are we okay?” Mike then asked, still without even giving Will a glance.
How could he ask that but not even look him in the eye? Of course it wasn’t okay. Nothing about anything going on in their lives was okay. And whatever was happening between them, this awkwardness, was really just sealing all of the tension together. It’s been hours since Will has felt like a real person to him. Finally after their conversation in his room back in Lenora he had thought they were back to normal, that they could be best friends again. But then, Will had to go and be an idiot and ruin everything again with the painting and his stupid feelings. He was angry. Will was angry he realized, at Vecna, at The Mind Flayer, at the stupid upside down, at that crazy doctor, at the agents that shot up their house, at the cold stupid desert, at every person who had ever called him “zombie boy”, at Eleven, at his family, at his friends, at Mike, at himself.
“Will?”
All Will could do was scoff. He regretted it almost immediately and would swear he didn’t mean to, but it’s what came out and it was a considerably tame reaction compared to what he felt building inside.
This time, Mike turned to him.
They now faced one another. Their eyes leveled and dead set on each other.
“Will? What’s wrong?” He repeated more earnestly.
Will just stared at him for a moment. He was gathering every bit of strength he had to not snap. How dare Mike now decide to care? How dare he ask in such an innocent sounding tone? It felt patronizing and condescending and so aggravating. And Will knew, deep down, that Mike was not trying to be any of these things. He knew, in his heart, that Mike had always cared, right? No. He used to care. Before the upside down, before Eleven, before everything had gotten so twisted and fucked up between them. This Mike, the one lying beside him, staring at him so innocently confused, he didn’t know how to read him anymore. Which was why Will could no longer push it all down. He couldn’t help it. He sat up quickly. He no longer wanted to look at Mike so closely. His face scrunched. He felt tears welling in his eyes, but he refused to let himself breakdown before he had the chance to say his peace for once.
“No Mike.” He answered calmly but strained.
Why was he still trying to compose himself?
Mike sat up next to him. If he was confused before, now he was completely bewildered. “I don’t understand, is there something going on or did something happen? Please just tell-”
“I’m angry!” Will shouted abruptly.
Mike stared at him wide eyed. His mouth flew shut.
Will breathed out shakily, “I’m angry okay? And you don’t know what it felt like.”
Mike just stared at Will blankly, as if his brain were running miles behind trying to catch up. Will’s face felt hot, he turned away from Mike again, barely being able to stand it again.
Finally Mike was able to stammer, “What.. Do you mean?”
Will turned back to look at Mike before finally saying, “Waiting around, and watching you guys all summer, and then again this week…It was miserable Mike. It really sucked, all of it. A-And I felt so guilty the whole time.”
There. He had said it. Guilty. There was no turning back now. At least he could finally speak the truth about his feelings to at least one person on this earth. Whether or not he would regret it for the rest of his life, he was willing to bet on the latter.
“Guilty? Guilty about what?”
God Mike was really testing him. He wants to know so badly? Fine he asked for it.
“I was jealous Mike! I felt guilty because I was jealous! Watching you and…El…It made me feel…sad. And I didn’t know why. Or that’s not true, I did…I do, know why. And it made me feel so guilty because I want you to be happy Mike. I really do, and a good friend is happy for their friend when they are happy. So why…couldn’t I be happy too? ”
Now the tears were really coming. But he didn’t care, and he definitely didn’t care about the look Mike was giving him now. So he powered on before he lost his nerve.
“And then El became so important in my life and suddenly I was letting two people that I loved down. So yes I have a shit ton to be guilty about Mike.”
Will wiped a tear from his eye and choked down a sob. He could feel himself blushing furiously from anger and embarrassment. He couldn’t bear to look Mike in the eyes. He couldn’t bear to see the disgust that he was sure was there in Mike’s expression.
God I’m so stupid why did I say all of that? And right now? He’s probably so mad and disgusted. Now he hates me because I’m stupid and mess everything up, why can’t I ever just get things right, why do I always-
“Yea well then I’m guilty too Will!” Mike suddenly spoke up.
Will looked up at him instantly, he was the one confused this time. Mike looked at him, his cheeks were slightly flushed, and he was wide eyed and almost looked…afraid?
“Wh-what?” Will barely got out.
“I…I missed you. So much.” Mike looked like he was about to burst into tears this time. That scared Will above all. He couldn’t remember the last time he saw Mike cry. Mike wasn’t one to cry very much because Mike was strong, stronger than Will had always been, Will knew that.
Mike closed his eyes and inhaled sharply before continuing, “When you moved away I felt so.. lost without you. I meant what I said earlier back in your room Will. I needed you in Hawkins, because without you… nothing felt right. And-and I felt guilty because... it was all about you.”
“I don’t understand..”
Their roles seemed to have completely reversed. Now Mike’s face was the one contorting into agitation and franticness.
“It was you that I needed Will!” Mike sputtered. His face grew pained with realization, “And…I think that’s why I couldn’t say it back to her…”
Will felt like he couldn’t even hear Mike who was practically up against him from the narrowness of the bed. He was absolutely failing to grasp onto Mike’s words.
“Say what back? Mike, what are you saying?”
Mike’s eyes grew wary and sad. Guilty.
“I couldn’t tell Eleven that I loved her back because I wasn’t sure if that were even true anymore.” He inhaled shakily again before blurting out, “B-because I was confused, and I didn’t know how to handle the fact that everything has just gone to complete shit after you left. Even now, I just feel so lost and like I’m letting everyone down, especially you and Eleven. So I couldn’t even say the one thing that she needed me to say because of how scared I was and how much I missed you! And-and I feel even more guilty because I couldn’t even call you! I missed you so badly but I was…afraid okay? I was afraid of messing everything up! But I did anyway because I was letting you both down because I was so confused and I still am…”
Mike wasn’t looking at Will anymore.
Will wasn’t sure if he should cry, scream, cheer, or kiss him- No. Not that last one what!?
Will had always had empathy, plenty especially when it came to Mike Wheeler. As if all the anger he had spewed out earlier no longer existed, all he felt now was worry for his best friend who was clearly struggling. And Will couldn’t get his hopes up because of that. Mike needed his friendship, he realized, not his own tragic feelings.
So Will put his hand on his best friend's knee comfortingly, the ghost of a memory of a few some years ago of Mike doing the same for him came to him briefly.
Mike looked up slowly. His eyes were red and pained. His brows were knitted together and his overall expression looked extremely distressed. Will nodded at him and smiled reassuringly. Mike had always been an expert at making Will forget his anger, even when he was the very cause of it sometimes. He squeezed Mike’s knee.
“I…” Mike began again, his voice was raspy and quiet. “I don’t even know if what I’m saying makes any sense. I was so confused and lost back in Hawkins, and I am still… But not as much as I was back then… I think I’m.. starting to understand what I was so scared of.”
Something flickered in Mike’s eye when he said the last part. And Will desperately tried not to wonder what it was.
Mike’s hand then rested lightly over Will’s, and Will felt his face heat up even more. They sat like this quietly for what felt like eternity, Will’s hand on Mike grounding him, and Mike’s hand over his grounding him back. The two of them stared at each other softly. The room around them was dark, and Will could only mostly make out Mike’s expression due to just how close they were. But Will could almost swear that a flush was growing on Mike’s cheeks, which only made his own burn hotter. He wasn’t sure where they should go from here, he was barely sure what he wanted to happen. Or at least that’s what he wanted to believe. But what he did know was, tomorrow they would find El. Tomorrow he would be with his newfound sister, and Mike would be reunited with the love of his life. All would be right…or at least how it had been. There was no going back to “normal”, how could there be in lives like theirs? But they would try. After all, what was more “normal” than Will watching his best friend and friend-now-sister be together and in love from afar? Though, it could not be helped that a small window seemed to have been opened somewhere after tonight. Will knew he would replay Mike’s words to him tonight over and over.
It was you that I needed Will! Without you nothing felt right.
Will knew that he couldn’t push Mike too far with this, he recognized the fear in his eyes tonight, he knew it all too well in fact. So instead, he would be there for Mike in every way Mike needed him. Most of all, he would be the best friend Mike needed, no matter what. The guilt could live inside of him with their old memories of a time he would long for, all tucked away for only Will to bear without being any burden to anyone else.