Archive of Our Own

Evan had thought he would feel better once he spoke.

Pandora always accused him of bottling everything up, of never showing them how he felt. She said that if he didn't let them know something hurt him then how could they know not to? He hadn’t ever bothered with it, he’d rather suffer in silence than let others know they’d hurt him. It was probably why he’d never fought with anyone, unlike Barty, who seemed to find fights everywhere he went. Sometimes he even fought in Evan’s name when he thought someone was being unjust with him. Evan only allowed it because he knew it wasn’t due to Barty thinking Evan couldn’t fight his battles, but because Barty felt better when he protected those he loved the way no one had ever done for him.

It was one of the reasons Evan loved him. Sometimes it felt like he’d been in love with Barty all his life. But that wasn’t possible, they had only met when they were eleven at the Slytherin table and yet sometimes Evan felt like he’d been born to love Barty. There had never been another choice for him. Loving Barty was like breathing. Effortless and inevitable.

Evan had been in love with Barty for so long that when he finally kissed him Evan thought he was dreaming, there was no other explanation to what was going on.

Evan had gotten used to not having his feelings being reciprocated. He’d had years to learn how to not be hurt about Barty not feeling the same, but he’d never learned how to have Barty in his arms and still feel like he was so far away. To kiss him and not be able to tell anyone. Once Evan thought he’d do anything to have sex with Barty at least once, now he knew how much he’d taken for granted the small things. All Evan wanted was to hold Barty's hands. To be able to walk with him in the hallways and have everyone know they belonged together. To have to stop pretending he didn’t love him and wanted so much more than Barty was willing to give.

Evan would be satisfied just to know that Barty cared that it was Evan he was hooking up with and not some random person. So he started testing him, he needed to know how Barty felt. If he had any chance of something more. 

At first, he became more friendly with other people at the Common Room to see if Barty would notice, to see if he’d come closer and interrupt if he’d stake his claim like he’d done so many times before with Regulus. Except all Evan got was a frown and Barty deviated his head until he finally left after not staring at Evan once. Evan had never felt more like shit than then, it was as if he wasn’t enough to keep Barty’s attention even for a minute. It made him sick with himself. Why couldn’t he make Barty care? When Regulus had gotten him to destroy everything around him in his jealousy. 

Evan knew how Barty looked when he cared too much. And how he acted with Evan was just not it. Barty was clingy and demanded the attention he wanted to the point where Regulus felt suffocated. Evan remembered feeling so much envy over it. What he wouldn’t give to have Barty smothering him. 

Evan could never feel sick of him. 

Barty would never be too much for him.

Evan wanted it all. 

Evan got nothing.

He had spent so long wishing he could have at least one piece of Barty that now that he did he hadn’t expected it to hurt this much.

The thing about Evan was that he would take whatever crumb Barty fed him. He’d take whatever love Barty was willing to give as long as Evan could remain by his side. He didn’t care if it was bad or toxic or if it would hurt him. As long as he could have Barty in whatever way he would let him, Evan would be happy.

Perhaps that was toxic on its own. How devoted Evan was to Barty. How he would let Barty destroy his entire being to be able to keep him. 

That didn’t mean Evan would stop trying. He didn’t think that he could. Yes, he would accept whatever he was given, but Evan would always fight for more. Tooth and nail to get everything he wanted. All he ever wanted was Barty. Evan wouldn’t rest until he had all of him.

His next try was less subtle, if Barty hadn’t gotten the memo that Evan had been flirting with other people, he would have to make himself more clear. During Slytherin’s next party at the Common Room, Evan let the girl who had been eyeing him step closer, he accepted the drink she offered and kept eye contact with her while they both drank.

When she started talking Evan allowed his eyes to deviate behind her back to find where he’d last seen Barty talking to Regulus and Dorcas. He was still there, his eyes locked on Evan’s immediately, even from far away Evan could see his frown and the question in his eyes. What he didn’t see was the rage, the jealousy that made Barty shove people out of his way in the haste to get closer to the person he liked.

Evan drank more to try and soothe his disappointment, the hole in his chest kept on opening every time Barty didn’t react how Evan hoped. He went as far as letting his hand rest on the back of her waist while he leaned on the wall, arching one eyebrow in a challenge without ever taking his eyes away from Barty on the other side of the room.

The girl was talking very close to Evan’s ear so he could hear her over the loud music, it didn’t change anything for him though, he was so focused on Barty, his entire body so attuned to him - like it always was when they were in the presence of each other - that Evan could not hear one word coming out of her mouth. However, he could swear he heard Barty’s heart in the beat of the music, or perhaps it was his own heart he heard with every boom out of the music box. But their hearts always beat in sync when they were together as if they shared the same vital organ that kept them alive. Sometimes he did wonder if they weren’t one being that had the tragedy of being parted in two halves that may never meet.

Evan was thankful that they had, even if Barty could not see it yet, how they had been made for each other. Evan tried to convince himself it was okay, that he was on the right path to make him realise they belonged together.

For a moment he was so lost in his thoughts that he lost the moment something shifted in the air, the moment where Barty once again turned his back on him and left the Common Room, as he seemed to do so frequently when it came to Evan. For the first time, Evan could swear he knew what rage meant, he finally understood what made Barty tear entire rooms apart, what made his blood boil and why he wanted to destroy everything and everyone on his path.

It filled him with self-loathing the moment he felt it, Evan’s anger always turned inward, he had never learned how to be angry with anyone but himself. Surely there had to be something wrong with him to make Barty not react at all to see him flirting with another person. Evan wasn’t even trying to compare himself to Regulus, he’d made himself sick for years over it, Pandora had been fundamental on his journey of learning how to love his best friend and not feel so jealous of everything he was that made Barty have eyes only for him. He thought things would change when Barty seemed to finally see him, that he would get everything he’d ever wanted, everything he saw Regulus complaining about that just made Evan crave Barty so much more.

There was nothing about him that Evan wouldn’t accept that he didn’t already adore and wish was shown to him so fervently. If Evan could have only one percent of the care Barty had shown Regulus he would be happy. Or so he tried to convince himself, Evan knew deep down he was an overachiever, the entire time he saw Regulus and Barty’s relationship crumbling all he could think about was how different it would be if it had been him in Regulus place.

He couldn't wait for his opportunity to show how much better he could love Barty. Not because he thought any ill of Regulus, but because Evan knew he was the only one who accepted Barty the way he was. Regulus had tried to change him for so long and failed miserably. Evan had never understood it. How could someone look at Barty and want him to be any different? He was perfect. Perfect for Evan.

Evan would prove it.

He would make them all see it.

All the failed attempts only spurred him on more, Evan was nothing if not competitive, when he set a goal for himself he always acquired it. It might’ve been the Slytherin in him that made him this ambitious, that made him restless when he wasn’t vying for something that wasn’t within his reach.

It only took what felt like one slow blink for Regulus to suddenly be in front of him, eyes cold and calculating as he examined him like he was trying to pierce Evan’s head open with his eyes. It didn’t take long for the girl to notice his presence, Regulus shooed her with his hands rudely, his gaze never straying from Evan’s, her eyes widened and she turned to Evan as if she expected him to protest on his behalf. It almost made him want to laugh. As if Evan would ever turn down the chance of talking to one of his friends for some random girl who just wanted attention from a rich pureblood.

Even though he knew the conversation with Regulus would be unpleasant due to the even more prominent severity on his face, Evan welcomed the easy way Regulus brought to get rid of her without him needing to make up an excuse, he was great with those, but he preferred not to have to use his talents if he could avoid, there was only so many excuses he could give before the female population realised all Evan ever did was use them as bait for someone else.

The girl scoffed before she left, her shoulder almost brushing Regulus on her way out, Evan finally allowed himself to laugh when he saw his friend cleaning the spot as if something dirty had touched him. 

“Who do I have to thank for your presence, Your Highness?”

Regulus didn't smile. So it was that serious, Evan liked evaluating situations by playing with people, seeing how they meant things depending on how they reacted to his stupid jokes. It was a valuable skill he had honed over the years, to be seen as the more approachable among his friends, the one who didn’t make fun of others or hurt them on purpose. Truth was Evan liked playing an entirely different game than most of his friends did. All of Evan’s games were mental. 

Meanwhile, Regulus used his status in a way that made him walk the corridors as if he were royalty. Evan admired him for it too, he could see how useful it was and how much it took out of his friend to craft that. However with a name like his, he would’ve never been able to reach the untouchable place Regulus had, not because the Rosiers weren’t rich or less than any other family, but because their appearance made them the odd ones out, they had never been able to shut down the rumours that somewhere down their lineage they had Veela blood. No matter how much Evan claimed that just because their good looks were irresistible and made people commit insane acts didn’t mean they were part Veela.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Regulus's tone was colder than he had ever used with Evan before or any of their friends. Sure, they had a reputation to maintain and sometimes they did play games with each other when they were bored and in small places together, but they still were way more civil between themselves than they ever dared to be with outsiders.

“What have I done to displease you this time, Your Highness?”

“Cut it out, Evan. I’m not in the mood for one of your games.”

He finally straightened his posture so he could look down at Regulus, eliminating any ideas his friend might have of who was in power in that situation.

“Why don’t you enlighten me then?”

“What were you doing with her?”

“Talking,” he had to concentrate harder than usual to not smirk, he knew it would only infuriate Regulus more and despite usually being all up for it, now Evan wanted to know where his friend was getting at, what his goal had been when he decided to fight Evan at a public place.

Regulus took a step closer to him in a threatening matter, his eyes almost twitching in a way that usually only Sirius managed to get him in. “We’re leaving,” he announced in that tone only he had, the one that he hadn’t even needed to hone in on, the tone all Blacks had that showed they had never been disobeyed once in their lives.

It always made Evan twitch to oppose him. In this case, he knew it wouldn’t be to his advantage to do so so he followed along when Regulus turned his back on him and went up the stairs without looking back, knowing Evan would follow. It annoyed him to do so, he hated being predictable, but Evan focused on the end game. He always did. It was what made people always underestimate him, he wasn’t Barty, he had learned how to control his most basic impulses at a young age. 

Evan had mastered how to conceal his expression from the moment he got out of the womb interlaced with his sister, to this day he still hears about how they thought he had been born dead since he hadn’t cried. 

Only once they got inside their room and Evan closed the door did Regulus unwind, his shoulders dropping down but the tension never leaving his body.

“What the fuck, Evan?”

Evan shrugged his suit off lazily. “What are you on about?” He made sure to put a frown on his face, making his voice the most genuine possible.

“What were you doing with that girl?” Regulus scoffed. “Do you even like girls? I’ve never seen you look at one with anything but contempt.”

Evan laughed goodnaturedly. “Of course I like girls, my sister is a girl no matter how much our parents tell her otherwise. Dorcas is also a girl no matter how much she tries to not look like one. I like ‘em just fine.”

Regulus's expression never changed, showing how unamused he was by Evan’s antics. Perhaps it wasn’t that good of an idea to antagonise him this much.

“What is this really about? Since when do you care if I talk to girls? You never did before.”

“You know what this is about.”

Evan took his tie off. “Not a clue.”

“Fine. If you want me to be the one to say it, I will, since you’ve never been honest about anything in your life.”

Evan pressed his hand to his chest, a fake pout forming on his lips. “Ouch.”

“Barty.” It was all Regulus needed to say to make Evan drop the act. His expression turned just as cold as Regulus had been.

“What about him?”

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing with him?”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“I know,” Regulus said significantly.

Evan paused. “Did he tell you?”

“He didn’t have to. I can see the signs.”

Evan snorted unamused. “Good for you.”

“Why are you doing this?” Regulus had never seemed more genuine than he did now. Of course, he would step in Barty’s name. Those two had a way of always defending each other when the other wasn’t around. It made Evan bitter, Merlin forbid he had ever expressed one bad word about Regulus in Barty's presence. 

“What do you mean?”

“I thought you wanted him,” Regulus said plainly. “I knew you wanted him from the beginning, even when he and I were together.”

Evan had to turn away pretending to take his shirt off to not let Regulus see how much the knowledge infuriated him. To know one of his best friends had known all along about Evan’s feelings and that he still had done what hurt him made his heart shrivel a bit on his chest in a way he had never felt before, in a way he didn't even know what it meant. Evan couldn’t define it, describe it or put a name to it, all he knew was that it hurt. It hurt so bad he thought his chest might be on fire.

His voice was choked out no matter how much he tried to hide it when he said it. “And yet, you still did it.”

“I wanted him too.” Regulus' reasoning was so him, that it made Evan laugh humorlessly.

“Of course you did,” he said bitterly. Who didn't? “And everything Regulus Black wants he gets it, right?”

“It tends to happen that way, yes.”

Evan could have bashed Regulus's head in the wall right now, his hands spasming as he tried to reel himself in.

“Well, sorry to disappoint you, but I don’t know what you want from me right now.” And if Evan knew he’d make sure to give him the opposite. Knowing Regulus had Barty in his entirety, not just his body, but his heart and soul. Everything Evan had ever craved. It made him need to give Regulus the opposite of everything he wanted from Evan.

“I want you to stop hurting him.”

The thought that Evan was the one who was able to hurt Barty was so astounding that it made him finally turn to Regulus. Praying that his expression was neutral and didn’t show all the venom he held inside himself, Evan questioned coldly. “Why? Are you the only one allowed to?”

“Is that what this is about?” Regulus said, disbelief making him even more angry. “Because if you’re toying with Barty out of some delusional dispute you think you and I are having, I swear to Merlin I will-”

“You’ll what?” He snapped.

“Evan,” Regulus said gravely. “I am not playing with you right now.”

“Weren’t you the one who said you knew I wanted him from the start?” 

“Wanting him and loving him are two completely different things.”

Evan laughed so hard he feared tears threatened to fall out of his eyes. “Believe me, if anyone knows it’s me ,” his tone was so poisonous he could’ve killed himself with it. 

“Don’t.” Regulus shook his head. “Don’t act like you know anything about him and me.” He took a step closer, head held high when he said. “I loved him, I still do.”

“Well,” Evan finally reached his limit, the words coming out of his mouth without his permission. “I can love him better.”

Regulus paused, his expression changing in a way Evan didn’t know how to interpret. “Why is everything a competition for you?”

Evan scoffed. “That is not what I meant and you know it.”

“Then you have a poor way of showing it.”

Evan’s head was pounding, he had never lost his cool as much as he had tonight. “What do you mean?” The words came through his teeth.

“If you love him so much, then why the fuck are you going around flirting with everything that moves? Is that your way of showing him how much you want him?” Scorn dripped out of his mouth, his face twisting in distaste.

“Don’t question me.” Evan couldn’t believe he was being scolded by Regulus. “You of all people have no right to do it when you were the one who hurt him the most.”

“Is that what you believe? Is that what you think you were seeing? How much did you delude yourself by thinking it would be different if it was you?” Regulus laughed coldly. “Barty’s love is suffocating, he doesn’t know any other way to do it. So don’t come to me to preach about how much I hurt him when he’s the one who-” Regulus took a deep breath. “When he’s the one who stepped away.”

Evan took a step back involuntarily due to his surprise.

Regulus laughter held no humour, eyes twinkling with cold satisfaction. “Yes, Evan I felt like I couldn’t breathe but I would have let it choke me, I would’ve let it kill me, but I would’ve never stepped away from him. That’s how much I loved him. That’s how much I was willing to give him.”

The realisation finally settled on Evan. “And he loved you enough to know he was killing you.”

“I know he never meant to hurt me, not any more than I ever meant to hurt him. But one of us had to be strong enough to leave and we both knew it would never be me. I will never do anything to lose him.”

“You still love him.” Evan realised. 

He’d been paying so much attention to the love Barty held for Regulus he had never bothered to notice how much Regulus loved him back. Evan was too busy imagining himself in Regulus's place.

“Of course I do.” Regulus scoffed. “You don’t love someone like that and it just goes away, but I also know that wasn’t what was best for either of us,” he admitted. “I’ve found someone who can love me better and I had hope for Barty too. I had hoped it would be you, no matter what you may think I feel about you, Evan. But believe me when I tell you that how you’re going about it is not the way to go. Not now. Maybe it would've worked on him before. But don’t make the same mistakes I did, don’t play games with him. You both deserve better than that.”

“Did he tell you anything?” Evan finally allowed himself to ask genuinely.

“Just that he’s doing his best,” Regulus admitted, all the fight drained out of him. “The real question here is, can you?”

“I would do anything for him,” Evan’s voice was raw when he admitted it, he had never thought he’d admit this to Regulus all things considered.

“Good,” his tone was pleased when he spoke. “That means there’s still some hope for both of you.”

Regulus was already moving in the direction of the door when Evan called him back.

“Regulus.”

“Yes?”

“Thank you,” he said honestly.

Regulus's little smile was genuine. “Took you long enough to realise I’m not your enemy.”

“I didn’t-”

“No need to sugarcoat it now. I know how you work, no matter how much you try to hide it.”

Evan rolled his eyes making a show out of his annoyance. “Whatever you say, Regulus.”

“We both want the best for him.” For some reason, he felt the need to point it out. 

“And we both know that’s not you,” Evan taunted with a smile, he couldn’t help it.

It was Regulus's turn to throw him an annoyed look. “Watch it, I might decide to come back and steal him from you,” his tone was playful but Evan couldn’t help but think there was some truth to it. Call him paranoid, but he would never be too careful when it came to what he considered his.

“You can try,” Evan’s smile turned colder.

Regulus laughed. “Chill, Merlin. I’m more than happy with my relationship. Never been happier actually,” Regulus' smile was the most genuine he had all night and it showed how down he was for his boyfriend. “Like I said, not your enemy. You can always come to me when you need help on how to make him cum,” Regulus left before the book Evan had thrown at his head could reach him, his laughter being heard on the other side of the door.

Evan hid his amused smile even though there was no one else there to see it. Truth was Regulus tended to be way more playful than everyone expected him to be when they were away from prying eyes, they were opposites in that way. But both always carved a different shell they showed the outside world to protect what was inside. For how much he’d compared himself to Regulus during the years, perhaps now he could see what they had in common. He might even be able to mock Barty one day about having a type, once he finally manages to settle their relationship into what he’s always wanted.

It didn’t matter that Regulus had been the one who knew what they needed to get there, Evan would try anything he could at that point. Even if it meant he’d have to learn how to talk about his feelings.

***

“Is it because it’s convenient?”

Evan never spoke after sex, they usually turned into their sides and slept in their preferred positions, so his voice startled Barty out of his usual post shagging fog.

“What?”

“The reason why you’re fucking me,” Evan said clinically. “Is it because it’s convenient?”

Barty turned so quickly that his head spun. He knew Evan was trying to make it sound nonchalant, his eyes ice cold while he observed the ceiling, not betraying anything. But Barty knew better or he thought he did.

“Where’s this coming from?”

“Well, you fucked Regulus before me and he’s our roommate, so it’s not like it was hard maintenance for you, we all know how much you despise having to work for it every time you’re in the mood and Merlin knows you can’t keep a relationship to save your life, but then Reg started dating James so you didn’t have easy sex anymore and now you’re fucking me so it’s not hard to connect the dots that…”

“Lemme stop you right there.” Barty interrupted him in a ruder tone than he intended. “Nothing about this is convenient. What the fuck, Evan?” He sat up, the comforter slipping from his torso and baring his chest, Evan’s eyes trailed it instinctively as he sat up on the bed, using the headboard to rest his back.

“I don’t see what’s wrong with what I said.”

“You don’t see…” Barty’s eyes widened as he laughed coldly. Merlin. “I hope you're fucking with me right now, because if not I’m gonna lose my shit.”

Evan spread his arms mockingly. “By all means.” As if this was what he had been expecting all along.

Barty stood up at once. “I’m not doing this. Not with you,” he put on his pants without bothering to find his underwear. 

Barty had taken his anger out on other people his entire life. Mostly on people he did not care for, he was ashamed of admitting that the most damage - or the only one Barty cared for - was the one he’d done to the people he loved. 

Barty had never learned how to love. 

His mother had tried to teach him, but it had been overshadowed by his father’s indifference. 

Barty’s love had teeth. It bit anyone who dared come close enough. 

There had never been a person Barty loved that he hadn’t hurt. 

He’d done it to his mother when she didn’t deserve to bear the anger he held for his father. 

He’d done it to Regulus when he needed to let his frustration out during their teenage years. 

Until Evan. Barty refused to do the same to him. 

He couldn’t. Not to Evan. 

Not now that he finally had him where he wanted him.

Barty had thought he was learning how to control himself better, how to not explode every time someone said something he found inconceivable. And yet. The second Evan said something he didn’t like Barty felt like punching the wall. Or worse, grabbing his wand and burning the whole dorm down until all that was left was him and Evan. Until he could make him understand that Barty would hurt everyone around him - because he didn’t care about them - except for Evan. He had never wanted to hurt Evan. He would have rather stabbed his own heart out of his chest than cause any harm to an inch of Evan’s hair.

But then Evan winced, the first real expression on his face all night, it was there one second and then it was gone, back behind the wall he liked to build to keep everyone out. There was a time when he let Barty in there. Not anymore. “See.” Evan hissed, “The second I stop being convenient for you. You’re out, just like that.”

Barty had already hurt him. The only thing he swore he’d never do once they started this. It was the reason why he’d been trying to learn how to control himself. He’d thought they had an understanding. He thought Evan knew.

Barty didn’t bother looking back as he grabbed his shirt and left, closing the door softly behind his back, having to use all his strength not to slam it.

The second he was away from Evan, his chest crumbled on his chest like dried fruit as if his life force had been taken away from him.

Barty collapsed. From the strength it took to hold himself in. To not rage. He had once thought it was strength to show it, let them all see how strong he was when he ravaged everything in his wake in his fury. But to keep all that fire contained inside of himself? It took far much more strength than he imagined. There was a reason why Barty had never bothered trying, it was so much easier to let himself loose. To relish the pain he inflicted on others. This way the only one he hurt was himself. He’d convinced himself it was for the better as long as Evan remained untouched Barty would keep hurting himself for as long as he needed to.

Sometimes he wondered why these thoughts plagued him. Why did he have all those violent urges? He wondered if it was his father’s fault. Had he incited this anger inside of him? Did he feed it into Barty’s heart every time he ignored him? Every time he showed how little he cared for him. How he had never loved him. How he’d never wanted a child, the only reason he hadn’t asked his wife to terminate the pregnancy was because he wanted an heir. 

Little did he know all his effort had been in vain. His legacy would end with Barty. He refused to put a child in the world and treat it like his father had treated him. Not because Barty thought he wouldn’t care about them, he knew he would never neglect them. Barty feared how much he would care. What he would be able to do to the world around them to ensure his child was happy. 

Because there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for Evan and that already scared him enough. Now for someone who depended on him to survive? Someone he raised? Barty would be scared to death. He’d rather not bring the type of wrath he could enrage onto others if he had the power to stop it.

Besides, it would fill him with glee to see his father’s face when he found out Barty was in a serious relationship with a man. That there never would be a legitimate child of his blood running around their yard. Well, that is if Barty managed to make things right with Evan. He’d thought they were on the same page, they had been dating for five months after Barty kissed him for the first time after one of Slytherin's parties.

As far as Barty was concerned everything was good, he had managed to hold himself back every time someone was a little too nice to Evan, when someone’s arms brushed against him and Barty didn’t immediately break them like every instinct on his body told him to. To make them regret touching what was his. Fortunately, the voice of his new therapist kept coming back to him in those moments when he thought he might snap the world with his bare hands. Allowing him to exercise some of her breathing techniques - that he’d made fun of at first - but that did work when his breathing became laboured and his vision turned red claiming for the blood of those he perceived as his enemy.

Barty wasn’t perfect at it yet, he admitted that. Sometimes he needed to take himself out of the situation before he did something he’d regret. Not that he was familiar with that feeling. But if he didn’t want to hurt Evan he needed to keep working on it and leaving was better than raging in front of the man he loved. Then shoving him in the middle of Barty’s destruction circle. After all, he was the centre of his universe, shouldn’t Barty show Evan all of him? That was the thing. Evan did know Barty, arguably one of the only people who truly knew him in the world. Sometimes, when getting his act straight was too hard, Barty tried convincing himself that if Evan truly loved him he’d accept and want him how he was. Not that he had ever given any indication of the contrary, or ever asked Barty to be better.

But then Barty remembered last summer, how he felt when he saw how his father treated his mother, the woman he claimed to love. 

If that was love Barty wanted no part of it.

Except that as he watched it with anger in his eyes and closed fists, waiting for when his father went too far and he’d be able to intervene and call himself the saviour, Barty realised that had been how he’d loved Regulus. The man he claimed as his best friend at age eleven. The one he was supposed to protect from a man like him. Who was quick to snap and turn to anger when things didn’t go their way or when jealousy got the best of him and he destroyed everyone around him.

Not that he’d ever laid a hand on Regulus. But neither had his father, at least not that Barty had ever seen, if he had any inkling that his father had done so he’d probably be locked up in Azkaban for murder. That’s when Barty realised not all types of violence were physical, he had hurt Regulus with his words just as much as he’d done with his action, by hurting others in his name. Just like his father did with everyone around him.

The realisation devastated him. He’d spend the rest of the holiday in a depressive state like no other, but then he spoke to Pandora after her insistent demands once she realised his unusual state - one did not refuse Pandora - and she’d asked one single question once he’d finished:

“What are you going to do to change that?”

And that stuck with him. 

Barty had never even considered he could do something to change that. Wasn’t it the way he had been born? The way his mind worked? Has he always had something wrong with him? He didn’t like to think that he’d been born defective. That the little boy who liked to run around the yard to grab the gnomes with his mother had been born wrong somehow. 

Barty didn’t think he had always been prone to violence. No. He remembered there was a time when his first instinct wasn’t to destroy. Barty thought he liked to build small houses with toys once. In the same way, he’d never look at a small child and claim it as evil. He didn’t think anyone was born evil. Villains were made.

Except Barty couldn’t remember the moment he changed. Was it when he entered Hogwarts and met two boys who taught him it was okay to let yourself be free? Certainly not. Barty remembered his first years at Hogwarts with nothing but fondness. So perhaps it had been the way his father created him in his image even in his absence. Mostly because of it. 

Once he realised, Barty vowed he’d do his best to not be the man his father wanted him to be. He refused to be like him. 

So Barty spoke to Slughorn and found a way to be able to talk to a muggle therapist, as in he said he was about to go on a murder spree if he wasn’t allowed, the wizarding world for all its advances still had not learned the importance of mental health. His efforts were renovated once he started dating Evan, once she taught him it was okay for him to allow himself to be with him, even if he had vowed to her he wouldn’t be the type of husband his father was. He’d never do that to Evan. Barty wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he did.

Evan was sacred in his mind.

Which was why it killed Barty to hurt him. Especially when what he had been doing all along was trying to avoid it. 

It made Barty wonder if he was fated to hurt everyone he had ever loved. It wasn’t a coincidence anymore. It was a pattern. He had never hated himself so much before. Somehow even when trying to do what he thought was right Barty still managed to get it wrong. It had to be a talent of his at this point. The thought made him laugh humorlessly. What a talent to have, of course other people would get being good at Quidditch or the guitar. Only Barty would get stuck with the ability to hurt everyone around him. Perhaps he was fated to do so.

If leaving was the only thing that kept Barty from acting how he didn’t wish to but leaving was the thing that was hurting Evan the most, Barty had no clue what he was supposed to do. The thought sent him on a spiral of panic. He had no idea what he was meant to do. Not for the first time he wished for his father. Not the father he had. But the father figure he imagined most people had in their lives, the one Barty always wished for when he needed guidance. When he felt hopeless and needed another person to help him navigate through life.

That was when Regulus showed up to hit him upside the head once he’d heard how Barty had run away from Evan the moment he tried to talk to him in bed. Somehow it was what Barty needed to ground himself. Not that he would ever see Regulus as anything close to a father figure, but somehow he always seemed to know what Barty needed nowadays.

“You dumbass. Can’t you see that he was trying to talk to you about how he felt?”

“That’s how he fucking felt?” Barty asked in disbelief. “As if I’m using him just to get off? What the fuck, Regulus?”

Even he looked shocked when he heard that. It filled Barty with satisfaction to know he wasn’t the only one who felt it. If Regulus had given any indication that he thought the same Barty might’ve just thrown himself in front of the train. Because he couldn’t see in what universe could anyone not be able to tell how devoted he was to Evan. He was Barty’s entire world. To think he was the only one who didn’t know it made Barty want to rip his heart out of his chest and give it to Evan, let him hold it in his hands where it belonged.

“Evan said that?”

“He thought we were together because it’s fucking convenient for me.”

Regulus scoffed. “How would Evan be fucking convenient?”

“Exactly.”

“You two are worse at this than I thought.”

That made Barty frown. He hated the idea of him and Evan not being perfect for each other. “What do you mean?”

“Talking about how you’re feeling, you’re like two brick walls, of course, you would never solve shit.”

Barty shoved him half-heartedly. “Fuck off, we can talk. Evan and I have always been good.”

“Because neither of you have ever spoken about the elephant in the room.”

Barty’s face twisted. “Which is?”

Regulus closed his mouth just as fast as he’d opened it. 

“No,” Barty protested fervently. He hated when Regulus pulled that, “You don’t get to do that. You started talking now you better finish it.”

“It’s not my place to speak to you about it.” Regulus shrugged helplessly as if he hadn't been the one to put it out there.

“Regulus.”

“If you want to know, then you have to talk to Evan,” with that Regulus was gone just as fast as he’d come, the little shit knew Barty would insist until he got everything he needed out of him.

Like a little fly that was always there to bother Barty. He refused to admit Regulus was of any help at the moment, even if he had ground him enough to make sure Barty’s mood wasn’t as foul when he went back to Evan. Regulus had a way of knowing what Barty needed, funny that he hadn’t managed to do that while they dated, but Barty liked where they were at right now far better than he’d enjoyed any part of their relationship before. He was just thankful he hadn’t screwed everything up so royally that he still got to have Regulus as his friend. Especially in those moments when the way he knew Barty so well made him more helpful.

Barty didn't immediately go back to Evan, he knew he couldn’t leave again in the middle of a conversation, that it might be what would make or break them and Barty refused to do anything to ruin them. He had never wanted something to work out as much as he did this. It was a weird feeling. With Regulus he had never felt the fear of losing him, no matter how bad their arguments got, somehow he’d always had the security Regulus would come back to him.

Evan was different.

Not because Barty’s connection with him was any less. Perhaps the opposite was true, though. Barty had never been so scared of losing someone else before. Nothing scared him more than losing Evan. Just the thought of it made him want to heave. Barty couldn’t deal with it.

He walked down to the lake for a breath of fresh air, it always helped to calm him down, and sometimes he’d even enter it to centre himself. It always made him feel more like himself as if he was cooling down his hot head, Regulus had always hated the lake, he insisted on staying at least ten feet away from it, but Evan had never minded it.

Barty gave himself some time before he breathed in deeply the scent of humidity one last time before finally turning away to go back to the castle.

Evan remained exactly where Barty had last left him. If the pain in his chest hadn’t already made him feel like his heart was tearing itself apart then this would’ve done it. He wondered if Evan had stayed there the entire time, staring at the door and wondering if Barty would come back to him.

It made his chest feel like it was being compressed as if Evan’s hand was closing around it. 

“You’re back.” Evan’s tone was neutral, but it usually was when he had his guard up. Normally Barty didn’t have to do anything to get the real Evan, but lately, he’d been feeling more and more like his boyfriend was guarding himself up against him. Barty hated it. There was nothing he despised more than not having Evan for himself.

“I’ll always come back to you.”

It was the truth. Plainly. Barty thought it would be harder to get it out, he usually choked on his own words when trying to talk about how he felt, but this was too intrinsically tied to how he worked for him to not be able to spill it at Evan’s feet, right alongside Barty’s heart.

Evan nodded, his eyes still guarded. “Sometimes I wonder.”

Barty took a step closer cautiously. “You have no reason to worry about it.”

Evan’s face looked sceptical. “If you say so.”

“I do,” Barty tried to put as much of his feelings in those two words as he could. If only he could open Evan’s brain and make him understand. Make him see how Barty viewed him.

Evan nodded. “Okay then, I believe you. I always do,” he pointed out.

For some reason that choked Barty up. “I appreciate it.”

Was this the talk they were supposed to have? Were they good now? Barty couldn’t tell, except for the weird feeling still in the air. It was never like this with Evan, never had been. They had a silent mutual understanding. Or they used to. Before they started hooking up.

“Do you want to talk about it?” It took a lot out of him to say those words, for a moment Barty thought he wouldn’t be able to. He was never one to want to talk about his feelings, everyone knew it was easier to pull his teeth out than make Barty talk about anything.

Evan looked surprised, but not displeased when he gave two taps to Barty’s side of the bed to indicate he should sit by his side.

Barty wasted no time getting rid of his shoes before sitting at Evan’s side, his entire body turned in his direction. Both of them just stared at each other. Waiting.

“I-” Barty started at the same time Evan did.

“You-”

“Oh,” he paused. “Do you…?”

“No, I was going to ask if you did.”

It had never been this awkward before between them, not even when they first met, they had clicked instantly like it was meant to be. It pained him to see how they were now. Tiptoeing around each other like they didn’t know the other better than anyone else in the world. 

“Okay okay,” Barty tried to shake his nerves away. It was now or never.

Evan smiled, small and genuine and just a little relieved, it made him look younger and calmed Barty’s heart which had been beating wildly ever since he entered the room. He wanted to kiss him so badly for it that he had to close his eyes for a while to restrain himself. 

“You go ahead.”

“I… I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflecting after everything that happened with Regulus.”

“Okay,” Evan encouraged him to go ahead when Barty paused.

“I was pretty bad off during the holidays, with my dad and seeing-” Barty’s throat closed up, Evan’s image turning blurry as his eyes filled with moisture he clung to like his life depended on it. He hated this so much. But he needed Evan to understand. Needed him to know how they’d gotten here. “I… couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t be myself, Evan,” he had never sounded so defeated before. “I hated who I had become so much. I couldn’t differentiate where he ended and I began, it was like I had his voice inside my head and it was fucking me up that I had done to Regulus what he’d done to my mother my entire life and that even though I had watched it, I… I still did everything I hated. I became who I despised the most and I couldn’t live with that.”

“Oh, love,” Evan’s voice had never been so understanding.

“I couldn’t. I can’t.” Barty finally broke down, his desperation to make Evan understand turning him frantic. “I refuse to be him, Evan. I can’t do this again. I can’t feel this way about you and still let it destroy you. I refuse to be the reason for your pain. I can’t do it. I can’t.” Eyes wide and filled with tears, he was practically shaking Evan’s shirt as he spoke, twisting it in his hands as he tried to cling to him.

“You won’t. You can’t.” Evan agreed reassuringly, his hands caressing Barty’s face so tenderly it made him gasp. “Because I don’t care, Barty. Who you are could never hurt me, okay?” His eyes were searching, trying to make him understand, but Barty’s mind was too convoluted to agree to anything. He felt like his head was going to blow up at any point if he didn’t let it out. “I want you as you are. I’ve never wanted any different.”

Barty wasn’t sure who moved first, his body inclined slightly in Evan’s direction, searching for the comfort Barty knew only he could bring and then he was in Evan's arms, being held and feeling so relaxed he finally managed to cry. To just let himself feel everything he had been bottling up for years and hadn’t even realised he’d been holding onto before. But now, being with Evan. Barty was boneless in his arms, allowing Evan to hold him up for as long as he needed to feel like he finally could breathe again. Barty finally felt safe. Evan had him and that was all that mattered. That their unspoken agreement was still on. They would always have each other. Barty could finally breathe with that knowledge.

Somehow they ended up laying down, Barty’s head on Evan’s chest, when he spoke his voice came out grumbled. “I don’t want you to think I’m trying to get out of this conversation, we can still…”

“I don’t,” Evan assured him before he could finish, caressing Barty’s hair out of his forehead and dropping a kiss there. “We have all the time in the world, my love. You need this and I want to give you everything you need.”

Barty closed his eyes and allowed himself to just breathe Evan in. His smell was more comforting than any lake or fresh air could ever be. 

He had never been more thankful for another person in his life before.

He guessed, in some way, that Evan had always been that person for him.

Even while he’d been with Regulus, Evan had always been the one he went to when he was the one who needed comfort.

In a way, deep down, Barty had always known.

He just hadn’t been willing to risk losing Evan over it. Not when he was not ready to heal yet.

Now he was. 

If he wanted this to work he needed to give Evan the better version of himself. 

Barty vowed that he would.

***

It was morning when they finally spoke again, staring at each other in the half-light, if Regulus had come back to their room during the night he was already gone.

Evan thought this was fitting for them. Laying side by side, having just woken up, with no barriers between them, it felt like they were both baring their souls out to each other, he had never felt so open before, as if his every thought was being written on his forehead for Barty to read.

“I wanted to change,” Barty admitted.

The thought was so ludicrous it made Evan want to shake him. In what world would Barty need to change for Evan to love him? None. The answer was so obvious it made Evan want to shout it from the highest tower.

“I never asked you to change anything about yourself.”

“I know you didn't ask.” Barty looked so sincere, his eyes a door to his soul. “I wanted to be better for you. Learn how to love better.”

Knowing that Barty felt he had to be better to be deserving of his love made Evan’s heart break in his chest.

“Barty…”

“No,” he raised a hand to Evan’s chest to stop him. “I’ve hurt every person I ever loved and when we started this I vowed to myself you wouldn’t be one of them. That I’d do anything to make sure you weren’t hurt because I was too selfish and wanted you for myself.”

The realisation came to him much too late. “You love me.” It wasn’t a question, but he knew his surprise was evident. His eyes searched for the truth in Barty’s eyes.

“Of course I love you,” Barty said tiredly like they’d been over this before. As if Evan should’ve known. “How could you ever think I didn’t? All I ever did was love you.”

“You didn’t show it,” Evan knew his tone was bitter, the words came even though he didn’t mean to say them, but they were being too truthful with each other for him not to say what was on his mind.

“I didn’t show it like I used to.” Barty corrected. “But I’ve learned better since then.”

“You never loved like this before. I… I thought you didn’t care for me as you did with Regulus because you didn't act the same,” Evan admitted.

The realisation finally settled on Barty’s face. “Because I didn’t hurt everyone around you to keep you at my side?”

Evan nodded.

“I’ve learned that if a person loves you they’ll stay by your side, you don’t need to restrain them,” It looked like the words pained him.

“I’d never leave you.” Evan felt the need to point out. “You’re the one who’s always turning your back on me.”

“I’d never…”

“You did.” Evan needed to remind him.

“Because I didn’t want to hurt you. Not because I don’t want you. Never… never that,” Barty closed his eyes like he couldn’t stand to see the hurt he caused on Evan.

“You never said that.”

“I thought you knew,” his voice came out broken. “I thought it was obvious. Everyone knew.”

“Not everyone.”

“I’m sorry,” the raw words tore out of Barty’s throat and Evan wondered if he’d ever uttered them before, he’d never heard him apologise to anyone before, for a long time Evan was sure Barty didn’t even know the word. “I’m sorry that in trying not to hurt you I did what I vowed not to. You were the only one who truly deserved to know and I’m sorry that I didn't know how to properly show you. Especially when that’s what I’ve been working on all this time.”

Barty looked frustrated as if he’d failed the only goal he ever had in life.

“It’s okay,” Evan reassured him, taking the hand out of his chest and interlacing their fingers. Evan would always be so easy to forgive him. There was nothing he wouldn’t look past when it came to Barty. “You did show it, I just wasn’t used to seeing you love like that, because you never…”

“Because I never loved anyone else the way I do you,” Barty interrupted.

Evan’s vision went blurry. Fuck. He aggressively wiped his eyes. He’d never expected this of Barty, had never expected anything more than what he got so finally hearing him saying those words felt like the biggest gift he could’ve ever received.

“I love you too.”

Barty smiled, his eyes looked shiny too. “I know you do.”

Evan shoved him lightly, laughing as Barty brought him along with him by holding on to his forearms, their bodies falling together perfectly against each other as they should.

“I’m gonna love you better,” Barty promised, only love in his eyes.

“I’mma hold you to that,” Evan kissed him to seal it.

“Not gonna demand I make a blood oath?” Barty teased against his lips.

“I’m turning a new leaf,” Evan said primly. “If you can do it, then so can I.”

Barty laughed unguardedly. “I’mma hold you to that.”

Evan’s smile died on his lips. “You know it’s alright to fail sometimes, right?”

Barty’s expression turned as serious as his.

“I know your father taught you there was no room for failure in your house. That you only deserved attention or whatever type of love he showed you when you did everything right, but we’re human. We’re gonna make mistakes, go back to our old ways when we feel cornered because it’s our safety default, but that’s okay.”

Barty started denying with his head, but Evan held him by his chin, staring into his wide unguarded eyes as he reassured him, “I can’t promise you to be perfect. And neither can you. And that’s okay,” his voice was incredibly soft. “You don’t need to be perfect for me to love you. I’ve loved you my entire life, Barty and I will keep on doing it even after my death. As far as I'm concerned they’ll have to pry my bones out of yours to ever be able to try to tell us apart and even then they’ll see you and I are one and the same because won’t you love me even if I fail?”

Barty was blinking excessively, a layer of water trying to drip out of his eyes as he fought against it with all his might. “I could never not love you. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t.”

Evan smiled, his chest filling so full with love he thought he might burst with it. “Then you gotta know I’d never stop loving you. There isn’t anything you could ever do that would make me stop loving you.”

Barty blinked and a lone tear slipped out of his eyes, he looked startled, as if that had never happened to him before as he raised his hand to it, touching it and examining it on his finger like a strange object. It made Evan want to laugh, he knew neither of them was used to it, tears had never come easy for either of them, but he hoped that holding Barty through his breakdown yesterday had meant he knew they could do this. But knowing him, Barty probably thought it had been a fluke and that now he needed to go back to never showing his emotions again. 

“It’s okay to cry,” he reassured him. “To show how you feel. If no one ever told you that, I’ll remind you of it every time.”

Barty shook his head. “It’s not that,” he finally looked at him with wonder in his wide eyes. “I don’t remember when was the last time I cried. I don’t remember crying. Ever. And I just did it twice. With you. I don’t think I’ve ever felt comfortable doing it before.”

Evan’s eyes turned as wide as Barty’s. “What? You never cried?”

“I mean.” Barty fiddled with their fingers. “I’m sure I did as a baby when I was born and as a small child, but mom used to say I was a very well-behaved kid.”

Evan smiled against his will. “Wonder how long that lasted.”

“Until I met you.” Barty laughed. “Regulus and I were straight and narrow until you and Pandora came up to show us we could rebel sometimes.”

“Not that straight.”

Barty cackled loudly. “Yeah, you were our gay awakening.”

“Our?” Evan choked out in shock.

“Reg had a little crush on you, we used to whisper about it behind the covers.”

“That’s what you used to whisper about?” Evan gasped. “I used to be so jealous of all your little secrets with each other.”

Barty smiled. “Well, we did decide to start fucking each other to get over you and then developed feelings for each other and all the mess that happened later on.”

Evan couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “You two are the stupidest people I know.”

“Don’t say that to Reggie, we thought we were brilliant, never did see the possibility of screwing things up by falling for each other.”

“I’d never say that to Reg, I value my life too much,” Evan joked. As if he had ever had any qualms about getting on Regulus's nerves, he constantly liked to provoke him.

“Oh, but me you aren’t scared of?” Barty teased, the usual gleam finally returning to his eyes. Evan was thankful to see it again, so he laughed unguardedly, the idea had never even crossed his mind. “I’ve done far worse things than he ever did.”

Evan nodded. That was undeniable. “I’ve always known you’d never intentionally hurt me,” he admitted. “It was why it hurt me so much to kiss you and think you didn’t want to be with me beyond the sex. I knew you weren’t doing it to hurt me and somehow that was even worse. To think you didn't see how much I loved you. That I had always wanted more. That when it comes to you, I want everything. The good. The bad.” Evan knew his smile turned malicious. “And the wicked.”

Barty kissed him. Forcefully. With everything he had. As if it would be the last time. Like he always did. With his entire body. Down to his soul.

“Does this mark our sixth-month anniversary?” Barty joked unaware of the panic he’d just sent Evan into. “I know some people only celebrate…”

“What?” he interrupted.

“What?” Barty frowned in confusion.

“What the fuck did you just say?”

“Our sixth-month anniversary?” Barty questioned.

“Anniversary of what?” Evan wondered if he was being pranked right now. Because there was no way they were talking about the same thing.

“Dating?” Barty frowned, he looked uncertain suddenly. “Being together?”

“Since when?” Evan’s voice was higher pitched than he intended.

“What are you on about?”

“Since when have we been dating?” Evan needed to make sure he wasn’t hearing things wrong.

“Come on, don’t pretend you don’t remember and haven't been counting the days to celebrate our first anniversary,” once he realised Evan’s serious expression, Barty matched him in a second. “Ever since I kissed you? The first time.”

“What the fuck?” Evan bellowed as he sat up. “Why didn't you tell me?”

“You didn’t know?” Barty’s eyes were wide in disbelief.

“How would I have known?” Everything he had been feeling seemed so pointless now.

“We slept on the same bed every day,” Barty pointed out as if that meant anything.

“I thought you wanted easy access, I know how you love morning sex,” he felt the need to remind him.

“What the hell, Evan?”

“What the hell you,” he said in outrage. “How was I supposed to know we were dating? You never held my hand, never called me your boyfriend.”

Barty’s expression fell, realisation hitting him. “I never called you my boyfriend?” His voice sounded so small.

“You didn’t.”

“Oh,” he looked stricken.

“How could you not know that?” Evan asked in disbelief. It was weird to think it had never crossed Barty’s mind when it was all Evan could think about. “Why do you think I thought you only wanted to screw me behind everyone’s back?”

“What do you mean behind our friends' backs?” Barty frowned at him. “They all know.”

“They do? I mean I found out Regulus knew and Pandora, of course, she’s my twin, but…”

“Of course they do,” Barty laughed in shock.

“Okay, we’re awful at this communication thing.” Evan realised. What the hell? “Who knew? When we were just friends we could understand each other with one look.”

Barty didn’t disagree entirely. “We have never been just friends.” Evan liked that Barty also felt that way when he thought it had been one-sided all along. This feeling of certainty between them. It was good to know it had always been Evan and Barty on Barty’s mind too. “But it’s a growing process, for both of us, you’ve never been in a relationship and I’ve never been in a healthy one so we’ll learn with each other, eh?”

“Yeah, we will,” Evan kissed Barty’s smile away. He couldn’t believe how badly they got this entire thing, how long he’d spent thinking they were at one place when in Barty’s mind they had been far down the road all along. If Evan had known he didn’t need to do anything to have Barty where he wanted but be himself, he wouldn’t have bothered flirting with all those girls who were sure to come to bother him now. 

As if he could hear Evan’s thoughts, Barty pulled away to say threateningly. “All that being said, if I ever see you that close to another girl again…”

Evan's laughter interrupted him. “I thought we were turning another leaf.”

“Doesn’t mean I’m ever gonna be okay with seeing you with someone else.”

“You have nothing to worry about, my love,” Evan reassured him, pressing their lips together again, he just couldn’t get enough of Barty. “I’ve never wanted anyone else but you.”

“Really?” Barty sounded pleasantly surprised.

“Yes, really.”

“Damn, I feel special right now.” Barty cuddled closer to him as if he was trying to crawl his way inside Evan’s heart.

He had been there all along. Even before they met, there had always been a space in Evan's heart that belonged to Barty and always would.

Evan laughed. “As you should, my love. As you should,” he kissed Barty’s forehead.

Forever thankful to have him within reach.

Evan couldn’t ask for anything more.

He had everything he ever wanted in his arms.

It was Barty and Evan as they had always been meant to be. 

Together. 

Trying to love each other the right way, the way only they could, because of who they had been born to be. Perfectly right for each other. Not despite their many flaws, but because of them.