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The eight months that Ben has been with Deidre have been movie-like. She’s beautiful, funny and sweet. They’d met at the coffee shop around the corner from Ben’s flat. After seeing her come in right after him a few times, Ben had decided to buy her coffee and the rest was history. Ben knew it was a bit fast but he could honestly see himself falling for her. In fact he’s been thinking of asking her to move in, length of dating time be damned.
Their relationship is nothing like the one he had with his ex. Charlie was…needy and clingy and crazy. Even if Charlie was also beautiful and sweet, he was too much, and Ben didn’t need that in his life on top of his own shit. Despite the fact that they’d technically been dating since they were fourteen and fifteen they were the definition of “on-again-off-again”. Ben had regularly needed space and new experiences and fuck, sometimes Charlie was just too Charlie. Besides, there were a lot of people in the world and Ben obviously hadn’t been ready to settle down as a teenager.
Once he’d started uni though it had honestly seemed easier just to cheat than to break up every time he met someone new. Less drama too since Charlie would never know. He was in Kent and Ben was in London. He’d almost been caught once when Charlie had come to London to surprise him, something which Ben had nipped in the bud right then. How dare Charlie surprise him like that? Ben had thought if Charlie had caught him any pain would be his own fault at that point. But he never had. Even after Charlie had moved to London too to attend UCL.
None of that mattered anymore anyway. They’d broken up six months ago, for the last time Ben had said. And he was well over him. Especially since he’d been the one to dump Charlie.
Still, as much as Ben adores Deidre he’s still not sure he’s ready to settle down with one person. His parents however are very insistent, he’s twenty-five and in their minds he’s not getting any younger. They’re expecting a proposal and a wedding within the next couple of years. While Ben could almost see himself proposing within a year he’d want a long engagement but there was no way his mother would allow that. And his father would go along with whatever she said and as he’s the one holding the purse strings…just this was why Ben had a lot of stress, he couldn’t deal with Charlie’s shit too.
Which, now that he was thinking about Charlie again, actually sparked an idea. Ben sat back against his stylish but kind of uncomfortable sofa. He rubbed at his chin as he thought and felt a smile form on his lips.
Ben knew he hadn’t always been the best boyfriend to Charlie, but sometimes he was just so much. Ben had tried at least. Sometimes. He’d made sure to train Charlie to behave how Ben liked, especially in public. Sometimes Charlie thought he was being cute and funny when he was just embarrassing and Ben made sure he knew it, so he wouldn’t do the same thing again. Ben had spent a lot of time convincing himself that he’d done it for Charlie’s own benefit. Maybe he knew that Charlie’s self-esteem really wasn’t strong enough to take the hit of Ben’s angry words but why was that Ben’s problem?
Sure in the end he’d left Charlie because he’d become too boring and clingy; he’d become a bit too good at behaving like Ben wanted and he always wanted Ben’s attention. It was suffocating when Ben had no desire to really commit to him, he couldn’t. What would his parent’s say? They weren't publicly homophobic but they were at home. They hadn’t been happy when Ben had come out as bisexual (something he’d basically had to admit to after a coworker saw him kissing Charlie while out) but they’d ignored it, mostly because he’d only ever brought home girls. They’d never met Charlie, his longest lasting relationship. They didn’t even know about Charlie, not really.
Charlie had been so heartbroken when Ben had kicked him out of their flat, his parents had thought he’d had a roommate.
He’d come home on a Friday six months ago and knew it was over. Charlie had been sitting on the sofa chatting away with one of his silly friends from Secondary. Charlie had waved and smiled in greeting but it hadn’t been enough. And Ben had just— snapped. If Charlie couldn’t even do the bare minimum of greeting him properly, what was he for? Ben could easily go out and get anyone he wanted, he did so regularly, although he wasn’t sure if Charlie was aware of that fact.
Anyway. Anyway, he thinks sitting up as a plan formulates in his head.
Charlie. Sweet Charlie who has always taken Ben back. Maybe Ben doesn’t have to give up guys entirely if he can keep Charlie on the side. Deidre is likely not to notice until they move in together and they’ve not even been together a year. He’s got a bit of time to figure out how to hide it well. Maybe a few more nights with Charlie and it’ll be out of his system. Just a little fun before he does settle down with Deidre.
Ben smirks to himself as he grabs his phone.
Ben Hope to Charlie Spring (January 4th 02:34 am): Hey, I know it’s late but I’ve been thinking of you. I hope you’re well Charlie.
There, that was good. Now to wait.
Three days later though he’s still gotten no reply. So, with Deidre sitting on the other end of the sofa, Ben shoots off another text message.
Ben Hope to Charlie Spring (January 7th 09:12 pm): I hope you’re alright Charlie. Please don’t ignore me, I’d just like to talk.
“Everything alright, Benny?” Deidre asks, looking from the TV to him with a genuinely concerned expression. Ugh, Charlie used to do that too, check in on him. It makes him feel weak and annoyed.
“Fine,” he says curtly. Deidre nods and turns back to the tv. He ignores her the rest of the night until she leaves.
Ben Hope to Charlie Spring (January 24th 11:20 pm): Look I know I was kind of a knob the last time we talked but I want to make it up to you. I can’t do that if you don’t answer. Please Charlie.
Ben nods to himself as he rereads his text. He knows he’s verging on desperate but that’s okay if it gets him in. It won’t take much for Charlie to remember who’s really in charge. And it’s Ben. As if Charlie Spring could handle being in charge of anything.
Ben has to hand it to Charlie, he’s really holding out. Maybe Ben really did break him. He definitely knows he was seeing Deidre while they were together. She’d posted a post on Instagram of them kissing with the caption “Happy two months Benny! Here’s to forever!” Just a week after the break up. So…the cat was out of the bag on that. A few of his friends had been disappointed and Ben hadn’t heard from anyone who was also friends with Charlie, not that there were too many who overlapped since they ran in different social circles). So they’d picked Charlie’s side. That was fine. Ben knew he’d been wrong, cheating wasn’t right but it was his life and he got to do whatever he wanted. Besides, those friends could have Charlie and his, probably, pathetic moping.
Now that he thinks about it he hasn’t heard much about Charlie, at all. Although London was of course a big enough place that he might not. And it’s not like their lives overlap. They didn’t, even when they were together. Maybe Charlie’s like, severely depressed or something. He used to have such bad days and…no. No. That overprotective idiot Tao Xu would never let Charlie just…fade away. He’s probably fine. Ben’s guilt lessens, but only a little.
Ben decides to give Charlie until February. He’ll back off a bit and then try again. That way Charlie will know he’s serious.
Ben Hope to Charlie Spring (February 4th 01:07 pm): Hey. Just wanted to talk. I miss you, Charlie
Ben Hope to Charlie Spring (February 7th 12:45 pm): Stop ignoring me Charlie. We need to talk. I’m serious.
Ben Hope to Charlie Spring (February 14th 02:40 pm): Missing you. I wish we could have talked before today, would have liked to take you out. Call me?
Ben Hope to Charlie Spring (February 16th 02:36 pm): Charlie CALL ME! I’m serious!
Ben Hope to Charlie Spring (February 16th 11:20 pm): Stop being fucking annoying and CALL ME
Ben Hope to Charlie Spring (February 17th 04:56 am): Fuck you Charlie Spring
Ben Hope to Charlie Spring (February 17th 5:00 am): You’re such a waste of space. Stop being a fucking twat and answer me!
Ben Hope to Charlie Spring (February 17th 11:32 am): Charlie I’m so sorry. I was a right arse. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness but please. Please answer me.
Ben Hope to Charlie Spring (February 20th 08:30 pm): Answer me
Ben Hope to Charlie Spring (February 25th 08:32 pm): Answer me
Ben Hope to Charlie Spring (February 29th 08:31 pm): Answer me
Ben Hope to Charlie Spring (March 3rd 10:00 pm): Jesus just answer me Charlie
Ben Hope to Charlie Spring (March 3rd 10:03 pm): I’m done playing this stupid game! Answer my messages! I know I’m not blocked, you’re just being fucking stupid.
Ben Hope to Charlie Spring (March 10th 02:50 am): carlie
Ben Hope to Charlie Spring (March 10th 02:50 am): charlie
Ben Hope to Charlie Spring (March 10th 02:50 am): weren t we good ? call me back
Ben Hope to Charlie Spring (March 10th 02:50 am): miss you in my bed. come over ?
Ben Hope to Charlie Spring (March 13th 09:43 am): Charlie, sorry about my earlier messages. I was pissed. But I do miss you. I miss us. Please let me fix this.
Ben stares at his phone.
Undelivered.
Undelivered.
“Benny? Are you alright?” Deidre asks, resting her hand on his arm. He yanks it away quickly, not wanting her to touch him. She’s the only person who calls him Benny, Charlie was never allowed to, it just felt too…personal. Which he knew was ridiculous, they’d been dating. It was just that he’d been in the closet for so long that he sometimes did stuff back then that didn’t make a ton of sense. And while he actually does like Deidre calling him the nickname he just can’t with her today. He can’t help but wonder if it would have felt as sweet coming from Charlie.
“Fuck, just fuck off will you?” He snaps and pushes off of the sofa she’d brought when she’d moved in last week. It sticks out a bit compared to his posh decor but she’d insisted.
“What the hell!” She snaps back standing quickly. “I’m fucking tired of the attitude! I never would have moved in if I’d known you would change so quickly. So fuck you, Ben Hope!” She yells before stomping off to their bedroom before he can. He collapses back on the sofa.
Deidre has been much tougher to train than Charlie ever was.
She spends the rest of the day in the bedroom. And that night Ben spends about an hour convincing her to let him sleep in their bed and not be relegated to the sofa.
Charlie would never have dared to do that. It’s what Ben loved about him really, Charlie was whoever Ben wanted him to be.
But now…now it seems he’s blocked Ben’s number. He considers getting a second phone or messaging on an app but thinks better of it for the time being. If Charlie hasn’t answered this whole time and had finally blocked Ben…it’s unlikely he’ll change his mind right now. Ben thinks for a while that night, staring up at the ceiling.
He never would have thought Charlie would have the guts to ignore him or block him. Ben wonders if this is that oaf Nelson’s doing, but then thinks better of that too. Maybe it was Charlie. Ben hadn’t exactly been kind in their breakup, he had thrown him out in the middle of the night and only given him a day to pack his things after that. Maybe Charlie was still a bit angry. Whatever, doesn’t matter. He’ll just have to change tactics. He’ll just have to run into him. Charlie hates confrontation so he’s most likely to just hear Ben out than fight him.
Finding Charlie out and about is harder than he thought it would be. First, they only ever hung out at Ben approved places but he hasn’t run into Charlie at any place they used to go. Ben knows none of it was Charlie’s scene and he only went for Ben, but damn. Second, he doesn’t know where Charlie would like to hang out. Ben feels a blush redden his cheeks as he realises how little he actually knows about Charlie. Whatever, he thinks, when he gets Charlie back he’ll fix that. He’s decided he’ll be better, not so harsh and demanding. Maybe Charlie will be easier to deal with if Ben doesn’t feel like he has to control him so much. He’s really only looking for a booty call but a little bit of pillow talk won’t kill him.
It’s right around mid-March when he starts hearing the rumors. It’s the first he’s heard about Charlie since their break up. It’s not even directly about Charlie either. No, Charlie’s camp is pretty locked down, no gossip getting out in Ben’s vicinity. Nick’s life however is more of an open book.
Ben had rolled his eyes the first time he’d heard a couple of guys at the gym talking about it. Just catching Nick’s name and rugby and bi. A few minutes later he’d caught a bit more: boyfriend.
Ben had quit his workout right then.
There was no way it would be anyone but Charlie. There was just no world in which Nick Nelson came out and dated anyone but Charlie.
Ben’s Charlie!
Nick Nelson, rising young rugby star of the Leeds Badgers, has come out as bisexual because he has a boyfriend. Apparently, that’s big news. Big enough news that randoms at the gym were mentioning a player from another city. Honestly though, was a gay rugby player that big of news? Ben huffed as he changed clothes in the locker room. This is why he never trusted that giant rugby idiot. Just best friends his right arse cheek. Ben always knew there was something.
Ben drove home in a funk, got into a screaming match with Deidre, after which she’d gone to stay at a friend’s, and he’d barely slept that night.
After that though it’s like it’s truly the biggest news in the world. A professional athlete, a rugby player at that, in a homoromantic relationship. Ben tries not to roll his eyes everytime he hears or sees something else about Nick and Charlie, to avoid the eye strain, but it’s hard. There are tabloids in the check-out line, of course. More guys talking at the gym. Ben’s suddenly glad he’s not active in queer spaces or he’d truly never hear the end of it.
Then Nick’s on the cover of fucking Sports Illustrated. Inside there’s a full spread including some of the most adorable pictures of Nick and Charlie at Nick’s flat in Leeds, running in the park, out at what’s probably a gay club with what looks like all the losers Charlie hung out with in secondary plus a couple women decked out in what he thinks is the lesbian pride flag. Ben buys a copy, if it makes him cry that’s between him and god.
April doesn’t get any better. It’s when the interviews start. Nick’s making the rounds of all the morning talk shows, which normally Ben could avoid but the coffee shop he goes to is always playing them on the big screens over the pick up counter. He doesn’t go elsewhere. So almost every morning for a couple of weeks Ben’s treated to Nick Nelson gushing about coming out and his team and his boyfriend and whatever charity he’s working with now. Usually something LGBT and youth related. God, Ben could do that too, he could beg for money for gay homeless teens…if he had time…some people have to work for a living…okay that’s not really him either but…whatever.
Fighting with Deidre is a nightly occurrence. Ben spends a surprising amount of nights sleeping on the sofa.
Finally he caves, knowing it’s a bad idea and Charlie would never cheat but he has to try. He sends a few WhatsApp messages and Instagram DMs through to Charlie. More of the same “I’m sorry”, “I miss you”, “Please talk to me”. He’s always nice and never messages drunk, having learned his lesson from before but still no answer.
Then suddenly it’s May, he’s in a jewelry shop with his father. Time’s up apparently. His mother’s meddling is seeing new heights.
He loves Deidre butshe’s not exactly what he’s looking for or wanting for the rest of his life. She’s too confident, too self assured, too defiant. Charlie might have gotten boring but he at least did what Ben said without him needing to raise his voice. Despite all those flaws he really does love Deidre and he knows this is the next logical step. So he decides to embrace this next stage of his life. Besides just because it’s taking longer doesn’t mean his training isn’t working.
So he plans a romantic night out on their one year anniversary. The restaurant is small but very fancy. Low lighting and cozy booth seating. It’s more Deidre’s style than his own; he likes places where being seen there could make you seem famous. It’s a nice place though.
Nice, until they sit down. Their server takes their drinks order and hurries away. Ben’s eyes follow him as he heads for the kitchen and— there— two tables away is sitting Nick “Captain Dipshit” Nelson with his back to Ben and across from him is Charlie.
His Charlie.
They’re holding hands on top of the table and he’s sure Nelson is smiling at Charlie as dopily as Charlie is smiling at him. It makes Ben sick but he waves away Deidre’s questioning look.
Somehow he’s able to eat despite watching Charlie’s adoring face as he and Nick enjoy their own meal. Everything is going smoothly until dessert, when Ben’s planned to propose.
But—
But fuck.
Fuck, fuck him, because Nick Nelson is getting out of his seat and kneeling next to Charlie’s seat.
“What are you looking at?” Deidre asks, Ben can only imagine what his face looks like. Horror? Grief? Anger? It doesn’t matter because she turns around and then gasps covering her mouth. She turns back to Ben with a sappy grin. Ben just barely holds back an eye roll, she wouldn’t be so happy if she knew that this was ruining her own engagement.
“Char, I know this is pretty soon, we’ve only been together nine months but you know I’ve been in love with you so much longer. I don’t need time to know I want to be with you forever, I’ve always known that. Will you do me the honor of being my husband for the rest of our lives? Baby, will you marry me?” Nick says, voice thick with emotion.
“Nick, baby, oh my— yes! Of course, yes!” Charlie gasps back jumping up and into Nick’s arms as Nick quickly stands. A soft cheer and clapping fill the restaurant as the patrons awe and coo. It’s sickening.
Ben’s up and across the restaurant before he can think better of it, of Deidre in her seat across from him, of the public venue.
“Charlie!” Ben snaps and Charlie and Nick's heads whip toward him. Nick looks…well Ben would expect him to look smug but instead he looks protective and annoyed.
“Ben, what the hell are you doing here? Are you stalking me now too?” Charlie asks. Ben scoffs.
“Please Charlie, I would never—“
“Please? As if you haven’t been harassing me for months!” Charlie snaps fists on his hips. He looks more angry then Ben’s ever seen him. “As if you weren’t cheating on me for months! With— with that girl! Does she know that you were dating the both of us? That you threw me out of the flat that I was on the lease for, in the middle of the night? Does she know how you treated me? Do you treat her the same?”
Ben looks back at where Deidre is standing just feet behind him. Her eyes widen and her lips form a frown before she huffs then turns on her heel and walks away. Ben winces at the fact that Deidre instantly believes the truth. If he’s lucky she’s just headed back to their flat, but he’s really not, so she’s probably headed to a friend's place. That’s a mess he’s sure won’t be easy to clean up. Deidre isn’t like Charlie used to be, she doesn’t just believe Ben when he insists on it, she rarely backs down from a fight, she’s…strong. Too strong for his bullshit. So is Charlie now apparently.
Ben whips back to Charlie with a glare.
“Happy now?” Ben spits, he takes a step closer and Nick steps half in front of Charlie blocking him. “Is it like…your life’s mission to ruin my life?” He asks Nick, directing his glare on him.
“Ben, if you think anyone but yourself is ruining your life, you're delusional,” Nick laughs. Laughs.
Then the pair turn and walk away to the front of the restaurant. Where they speak to the host and wrap around each other. Despite the confrontation they’re smiling and laughing, exchanging sweet kisses while they wait for their bill. Nick immediately pays, even though Charlie does appear to fight him on it, Nick just shakes his head, smiles indulgently and kisses him on the forehead as he signs the receipt.
The smile Charlie sends back is like the sun. Charlie certainly never smiled at Ben like that. In all the time they were together Charlie never looked so happy and smitten and content.
Still standing almost in the middle of the restaurant, Ben watches his Charlie and Nick Nelson walk out hand in hand. He blinks back tears at losing both of the only people he’s ever loved in one fell swoop.
Ben treks back to his flat after paying. He finds the place empty and a note from Deidre on the kitchen worktop.
I’ll be back for my things tomorrow, be somewhere else from 10-2
- Deidre
Ben sighs and grabs a beer from the fridge. He sits on the comfortable sofa Deidre brought with her, the one that she’ll take away again tomorrow. He’s alone in the dark of his living room with a beer.
He’s got a great London flat and a high paying job he didn’t really try hard at, with the company his father is a VP at, but no one to enjoy it all with. He’s alone, he’s never been alone. He’s always had Charlie and a few others but— Ben takes a sip of beer and sallows thickly before a sob leaves him.
It fills the silence of the flat.