Archive of Our Own ^beta

Akaashi dipped his toe into the cold pool water as he threw his towel across one of the lounge chairs. The condominium pool was still open at night, even though the pool lights were switched off. Akaashi didn’t seem to mind; if anything he preferred it. Swimming into the darkness, allowing it to envelope him from the noisy outside world, he wanted nothing more in that moment.

He sat on the edge and pushed himself into the water, his whole body sinking to the bottom of the pool.

The cold water sent an electric shock through his body as gasped, air pushed from his lungs as he felt the chill of the water in his bones. It felt like taking a dump in a bathtub full of ice water, except it was dark and there was no one outside to pull you up and quickly cover you in a warm fluffy towel. Right here, right now, Akaashi was alone.

His head broke the surface of the water as air rushed into his lungs. He stood on his tip-toes, his face looking up into the starry night sky. After a few shallow breaths, he dunked his head into the water again, trying to accustom his body to the cold. He felt his body slowly start to warm up as he moved his limbs in the water, swimming to the middle of the pool.

The events of two days ago played in his head, reminding him why he was in the pool, alone, at 11pm. He couldn’t remember the words that were exchanged, but he remembered the dried up tears and the pain it left behind. He remembered the ringing in his ear after he stomped out the front door and slammed it behind him. And it seemed to happen often nowadays; from small squabbles, they grew to become full-scale arguments that almost always saw no end. They’d either take a short break to cool off or wait till one of them broke down – either way, the outcome was never pleasant.

But they always found a way back into each other’s arms. And to them, that was what was important.

At least, that was what Akaashi thought.

After all, couples fight. Couples always fight. So that makes this normal, right? Some couples fight because they want what’s best for each other. When Akaashi and Bokuto fought, it was because… it was because… why did they fight?

At first, it started out because of their clashing schedules. After all, what did they expect? One was an editor at a weekly magazine corporation with many deadlines to meet, and the other was a full-time volleyball player for the national team. So they found it hard to make time for one another without sacrificing someone’s time away from their work. Eventually, they managed a way around it, and they decided all their problems were solved.

But then, slowly, as their careers started to take off, they found themselves slipping back into their old ways. At first, they tried to reason with it; after all, they were both very busy men with hectic careers to catch up on, they couldn’t blame the other for wanting to achieve their career goals because that’s what they wanted for themselves. It’s okay, they thought, we can work around this like we did before because now we know what to do.

However, it wasn’t long before important dates were scrapped from both their schedules, and their memories.

“I’ve got this deadline that I can’t miss… can we reschedule…”

“This match is super important! We might… you understand, right?”

“It’s a meeting with the big bosses, I can’t miss it… I promise I’ll make it up to you…”

“It’s a mandatory training for the league, I have to… how about we move it to…”

They were back to arguing and fighting over who was right and who was wrong; who cared more about their relationship, who could manage both their jobs and their relationship, who was the better partner. it was almost never-ending, and it was getting tiring. These days, Akaashi began to find himself physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted from these arguments, so much so that he would just walk away halfway through and retreat to the spare room. Some nights they’d sleep in separate rooms, other nights in separate houses. 

Akaashi was tired of fighting. He had never, not even in high school, fought so much with Bokuto-san, nor could he ever imagine being in such a situation. In fact, ever since he and Bokuto-san got together, it was all smooth-sailing from there. They agreed on so many things, openly talked to each other and voiced their concerns, and vowed to make time for one another no matter what.

What happened to all that? Why did now have to be different to how it was then?

Sure, they are a lot older now and have different commitments, but does that mean everything has to change?

Akaashi’s mind has danced around the idea of a break-up before, but always chastised himself for giving up in their relationship too easily. But as these fights increased, Akaashi wondered whether maybe, just maybe, a break-up was a possible option for them. And it was starting to make sense. They fought almost every day – sometimes over the smallest things like leaving the toothpaste cap on the sink – they barely have time to spend with one another – any time they had together was usually spent fighting – and ultimately, Akaashi knew they were no longer the young love-struck teenagers they were years ago.

They were older now. They had different commitments now.

So yes, maybe everything had changed.

Akaashi floated on his back as he stared up at the sky, the stars twinkling back at him. He felt his eyes start to prick with tears as his nose started to burn.

“Fuck.”

He took a shaky breath of air and pulled his head under the water. He opened his eyes, his vision dark and blurry. He opened his mouth and heard his muffled scream as he began to cry, his tears invisible as it seeped into the pool. He continued to scream and cry until his lungs gave out. He pushed against the floor of the pool, his head breaking the surface of the water as he choked and gasped for air.

Akaashi was in pain, so much pain. He couldn’t tell if the burn in his eyes was from the chlorine or crying. His head hurt, his chest hurt, and now his eyes hurt. Was being in a relationship supposed to be this painful? Could he continue on like this?

He pushed himself away from the edge, lying on his back again. He closed his eyes and tried to steady his breathing. The tears were still flowing down his face into the pool as he battled it out in his head on what he had to do.

Does he stay in the relationship, or break away?

What would Bokuto-san do? Would Bokuto-san think about breaking up to? Is he thinking about breaking up now? What is he thinking about right now? Is he thinking about Akaashi? Is he thinking about volleyball?

Where is Bokuto-san? Where does he go when they fight? Does he go to Kuroo’s and Kenma’s place? Does he go to another friend’s place?

Does Bokuto-san love Akaashi?

Does Akaashi love Bokuto-san?

Akaashi’s eyes shot open as he considered the question.

Do I love Bokuto-san?

Well, of course he did. That’s why he’s in a relationship with him.

He will always love Bokuto-san.

But sometimes, loving someone is to let them go.

Right?

Akaashi stared up at the sky. It was really beautiful tonight. The moon wasn’t out, nor were there any clouds; instead, there were a billion twinkling stars that dotted the inky black sky. He always thought being alone could quite possibly be one of the worst feelings ever, especially after knowing what it was like to be in love with someone and have them love you back. But in that moment, under the starry night, floating in the dark empty pool, Akaashi felt okay. He felt a strange sense of calm he hadn’t felt in a long time.

He let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding and felt his body slowly sink into the water, his vision slowly getting wavy as his head sunk below the surface of the water. Everything was blurry, the sights, the sounds, everything. Akaashi closed his eyes. Everything was so calm, so peaceful. If only everything could stay like this forever.

He just wanted things to go back to the way they were.

“…eiji? Keiji!”

Bubbles blurred his vision further as Akaashi opened his eyes to see who it was that jumped into the pool. It didn’t take him long to realize when he felt those strong arms wrap around his waist as the two were pulled to the surface.

“Keiji, what is wrong with you?!”

Akaashi coughed, having had water accidentally enter his mouth as he was pulled up. Bokuto’s face was painted in worry and concern as he waded through the pool, an arm still wrapped around Akaashi. “Seriously,” Bokuto continued, his voice rising. “I come home to find the house empty and here you are, in the pool in the middle of the night! Are you trying to catch a cold?”

“No, I wasn’t,” Akaashi said, as he removed himself from Bokuto’s grip. Great, now they were fighting again.

“Then what were you doing?” Bokuto asked. He ignored Akaashi’s attempts to distance himself away as he reached for Akaashi’s arm. “Come, on, let’s go home.”

“No, I don’t want to,” Akaashi pulled his arm away. All that peace, quiet, and calm. Gone. “I just wanted some time alone.”

Bokuto sighed. He climbed out of the pool and reached out a hand. “Keiji, let’s go, it’s late.”

“I want to stay here a little longer.”

“Keiji, I said it’s late.”

“Well, I said I want to stay here a little longer, Koutarou.”

“You have work tomorrow, you don’t want to be late.”

“I’m not going, I’m working from home.”

“Huh?” Bokuto looked confused. “Since when? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I just decided,” Akaashi replied nonchalantly, turning his back to Bokuto.

“Just decided? So you just decided to take a day off tomorrow, but couldn’t come to my game last week?”

Akaashi felt his chest tighten. He could sense the spite in Bokuto’s voice. He turned to face Bokuto, arms crossed. “Firstly, I didn’t say tomorrow is a day off, I said I’m going to be working from home. Secondly, I told you I had a very important meeting with one of the heads of the company and I couldn’t miss it,” Akaashi said, his voice even.

“Plus”, he continued, venom seeping in. “It’s not like I forgot you had a match, I told you I couldn’t come beforehand. I feel like that’s better than completely forgetting an anniversary dinner date that was planned weeks in advanced, you know.”

Bokuto shook his head, rolling his eyes as he sat on the lounge chair that was claimed by Akaashi’s towel. “And I apologized for it,” Bokuto said, his head in his hands. “How many times do you want me to apologize for it?”

“Yeah, well apologies don’t seem to mean much anymore, do they?” Akaashi said, refusing to look at Bokuto as he stared up at the sky. “Especially since we use it so much now, its seemed to have lost its meaning.”

“What are you trying to say?” Bokuto asked, looking up as he leaned forward. “That I’m not sincere in my apologies?”

“I’m saying that we seem to be apologizing for a lot nowadays.”

“Well yeah, that’s what happens after people fight,” Bokuto said, almost as a matter-of-factly. “We fight, we cool down, and then we apologize and make-up.”

“Well, I’m tired of it,” Akaashi said. “Aren’t you?”

“Of course I am,” Bokuto replied. “But that’s what happens in a relationship, it’s normal.”

“It’s normal to fight?”

“Yeah, of course, all couples fight.”

There it was; just the idea that all couples fighting being the norm disturbed Akaashi deeply. He didn’t want that to be a normal thing that happened.

“But why?”

“Why what?”

“Why is it normal for couples to fight?”

“I don’t know, it’s different for everybody.”

“Why do we fight?” Akaashi pushed.

“A multitude of reasons, you know that,” Bokuto sighed. “Clashing schedules, no time for each other, stress from work, there’s so many reasons.”

“Isn’t that a bad thing?”

“It’s normal.”

No. Akaashi didn’t want that to be normal.

“It’s normal to have so many reasons to fight with each other?”

“Like I said, every couple is different, Keiji,” Bokuto sounded tired.  “We all have our own set of problems to go through, you can’t really compare us to others.”

“So you think it’s normal that we fight so often?”

“Did I not just say that? Are you not listening to what I’m saying?”  Bokuto sounded exasperated. “You know, I’m starting to think the reason we fight is because you’re not listening to me.”

“Oh, you really want to talk about who’s not listening?” Akaashi exploded. “Because you seem to have a hard time hearing yourself when you make promises you know you can’t keep, or talking about this whole ‘fighting is normal’ nonsense.”

Silence. Expected. Bokuto refused to look at Akaashi, and Akaashi made not attempts to seek his attention. Akaashi’s chest hurt. Why did it hurt?

“And what about the love?”

Bokuto looked up. “What about it?”

“Where’s the love in this relationship?” Akaashi looked at Bokuto, feeling uncertain and almost worried for what Bokuto was going to say.

“Well, it’s still there.”

Is it? Does he still feel it? Why can’t I feel it?

 “Well, I don’t feel it. Do you?”

“Yeah, of course.”

 “Do you really?”

“Keiji, why are you asking so many questions?” Bokuto sighed. He rubbed his face, exhaustion evident as he stood up to walk to the edge of the pool. “I’m tired,” He reached out his hand to Akaashi again. “Please get out of the pool, I have to wake up early for training tomorrow.”

“Well, then you should go and sleep,” Akaashi turned away from Bokuto, wading deeper to the middle of the pool. “I’m working from home so I don’t have to worry.”

“Keiji, don’t be like this,” Bokuto sighed. “Come on, please get out of the pool.”

“Were you just expecting me to be at home?” Akaashi turned to Bokuto, beginning to feel annoyed. “You said the house was empty when you got back, do you just always expect me to be there?”

“Well, yeah” Bokuto’s hand still reaching out to him. “Is that wrong?”

“No, but when I expect you to be home, you’re almost always not.”

“Well, you know my job – “

“And my job?”

“Well, it’s different.”

They had different commitments now.

“Koutarou, do you love me?”

“Why are you asking me that?” Bokuto sighed.

“Is it so hard for you to answer that?” Akaashi laughed humourlessly.

“No – “

“Then why don’t you answer it?”

“Yeah, I do,” Bokuto said.

Do you really?

“What’s your point?” Bokuto continued. He stood up, hands on his hips. “Because I’m getting kind of tired of this, and if you’re not going to come up, then I’m just going to go.”

“Okay, then go,” Akaashi shrugged, turning away.

“Keiji.”

“No, go, you said you were going to go, right?”

“Okay, fine.” Bokuto shook his head and stood up to leave, his back turned to Akaashi.

“And maybe,” Akaashi stopped wading, his back still on Bokuto. “Maybe this time it’s better if you don’t come back.”

Bokuto stopped in his tracks and turned around. “What did you say?”

“Oh, and I’m the one with the bad hearing?” Akaashi waded further into the pool.

“Don’t come back?” Bokuto echoed. “What do you mean by that? Hey, Keiji, I’m talking to you, can you please look at me?”

“You know exactly what I mean, Koutarou.”

“Keiji –”

Akaashi didn’t answer, submerging himself under the water, desperate to return back to the peace and calm. But Bokuto wasn’t having it.

Akaashi felt the water move. He turned as quickly as he could, a blurry vision of bubbles in front of him. He made out a hand reach out to him, pulling him back up. Akaashi gasped for air. “What do you mean don’t come back? What are you saying?” Bokuto asked, his face close to Akaashi’s, water dripping from it.

“I think it’s best for us,” Akaashi coughed.

“What? Do you want us to break up?”

“I think I need a break.”

“What? Why?” Bokuto’s eyes went wide with surprise.

“I just think we’ve been quarrelling with each other a lot and – ”

“And that’s normal!”

“It’s not!” Akaashi pulled his arm away, pushing water at Bokuto in the process. “Stop saying it’s normal! It shouldn’t be normal for us to fight if we both love each other.”

“Hang on,” Bokuto reached out for Akaashi. “Keiji, wait a minute, let’s think about this first – “

“I did think,” Akaashi moved away. “And I think it’s the best for me.”

“Now that’s not fair, did you even ask me?”

“Do I now have to ask for permission to have a break from whatever this is? Does my happiness not matter here?”

“A relationship is a two-way thing!” Bokuto exclaimed. “And what about my happiness?

“Are you happy in this relationship, then?” Akaashi continued, his voice rising. “Does me being unhappy in this relationship make you happy?

“And two-way?” Akaashi continued. “We barely see each other, and when we do, we somehow always find something to bicker about, and now I’m starting to think… I’m starting to think that maybe we shouldn’t be together for a while.

“Don’t say that, you don’t mean that,” Bokuto’s voice went quiet as he waded closer to Akaashi, trying to hold him. “Don’t do this to me.”

“I’m sorry,” Akaashi sounded tired, and that’s because he was. Having this conversation was proof that this relationship isn’t working anymore. “I can’t remember the last time we were happy with each other.”

“We’ve just been busy, we can work through it, we always do.”

“And when we do, we somehow end up right where we started again.”

“Well, we’re not experts, there isn’t a rule book to how relationships work!” Bokuto laughed dryly. He grabbed Akaashi’s arm and pulled him closer to him. “We learn from our mistakes! We learn and we grow – “

“Well to be honest, I don’t think we’re learning or growing if we seem to keep making the same mistakes.”

“We’re not perfect!”

“I know we’re not,” Akaashi couldn’t look at Bokuto. “And maybe, maybe we’re not perfect for each other.”

“What are you even saying right now?”

Akaashi sighed. He felt his eyes prick with tears. “I’m tired. And I’m not happy. I’ve thought about this for a while, and I need this break for myself –”

“A break for what?” Bokuto asked, a little desperately. “We’re fine!”

“ – just to take some time away, to figure out some things, a break from all this fighting – ”

“The only reason we’re fighting now is because you brought this up. If you had just come out of the pool, we would’ve been fine – “

Akaashi shook his head, smiling in exasperation. “So, if I had just listened to you, none of this would’ve happened.”

“Yeah!” Bokuto exclaimed desperately.

“So, what, I’m just supposed to listen to everything you say, because everything you say or do is right?” Akaashi felt himself starting to get angry.

“Well, it’s better than whatever this is!”

“We’re not good for each other right now.”

“You’re being selfish, Keiji, you’re being so selfish and giving up on us.”

“We both have really demanding careers – “

“Oh, so now you’re going to blame our careers?”

“Our careers are the literal reason we fight in the first place!” Akaashi shouts.

They hear a window open as a neighbour shouts at them to ‘shut-up and keep your affairs private.’ Akaashi and Bokuto utter their apologies, and they’re once again consumed in silence.

“We both have demanding careers,” Akaashi said quietly, taking a deep breath. “And clearly, they seem to be very important to us right now, so I think it’s best for us to take a break and focus on that first.”

“I’ll give you time, I’ll give you all the time you need,” Bokuto whispered, holding Akaashi’s hand. “Just don’t leave me, Keiji, please don’t leave me.”

“I’m sorry, Bokuto-san – “

“No, don’t call me that, don’t fucking call me that.”

“This is for the best.”

“No! I want you with me!”

“You want me with you, why? Because you love me? Or because you’re now so comfortable with whatever we have?”

“I can’t imagine my life without you.”

I can’t imagine my life without you.

Not an ‘I love you’, but an ‘I can’t imagine my life without you.

While some partner might relish at the thought of someone unable to live without them, something in Akaashi broke; they had both become too dependent on each other since their high school days, so much so that maybe – just maybe – this whole relationship they thought was based on love was actually just based on their inability to be apart from each other because they’ve been in each other’s lives for so long.

“Has it occurred to you that your reasoning for wanting to stay with me is not because you love me? But because you can’t imagine your life without me?” Akaashi asked sadly.

“That’s the same thing,” Bokuto said, confused.

“It’s not, it’s really not,” Akaashi sighed. “At least to me.”

“And you, do you love me?” Bokuto asked.

Akaashi stayed quiet. He watched his hands fidget beneath the water. This question had bounced around in his mind several times. But after realizing that perhaps what they thought was love could have actually been dependency, Akaashi wasn’t sure how to positively respond. “I don’t know,” he whispered. “I’m sorry.”

The two of them stood in the water in silence. The water has stopped slapping against the side of the pool as they stand an arm’s length away from each other. Akaashi could feel his heart hammering in his chest; it was so loud. He placed a hand over his chest and took in deep breaths in an attempt to soothe it.

“So, that’s it, then,” Bokuto said, breaking the silence.

Akaashi wanted to cry, but no tears fell. “Yeah.”

Bokuto nodded. Akaashi couldn’t make out the expression on his face.

Bokuto turned his back to Akaashi and climbed out of the pool. He peeled off his shirt and wringed it over the pool, the sound of water droplets hitting the water being the only sound between them now. Akaashi stayed completely still in the water, unsure of what to do now.

“I,” Bokuto scratched the back of his neck. Akaashi could hear his voice cracking. “I’ll go then.”

Akaashi nodded. “Okay.”

Bokuto nodded again. He threw his wet shirt over his shoulder, and turned to walk away. Then he stopped. He didn’t turn around again, so Akaashi was forced to look at his back. Even in the dimness of the night, Akaashi could still make out the muscles on his back that he had once so lovingly traced on those lazy Sunday mornings; those days seemed so far away now. When was the last time he and Bokuto had enjoyed a lazy Sunday morning in each other’s embrace?

“I’m sorry, Keiji,” Bokuto said, loud enough for Akaashi to hear. “I – I didn’t know.”

“Neither did I,” Akaashi said. “It’s not your fault.”

Bokuto nodded. Akaashi heard him sigh. “I’ll come back tomorrow to get my stuff. I mean, I probably won’t be able to get it all, but just the necessities.”

“Yeah,” came the soft reply.

“I’ll return the spare key when I’m out.”

“Sure.”

“Keiji?”

“Yes, Koutarou?”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t better.”

“I’m sorry too, I’m sorry we hurt each other, even after promising we wouldn’t.”

Time seemed to stand still, if for a moment. The urge to cry that Akaashi had willed for had suddenly come as he felt his eyes pool with tears. He had seen Bokuto’s back a million times, but knowing this was going to be one of the last times now filled his chest with pain.

“Bye, Akaashi.”

“Bye, Bokuto-san.”

Akaashi watched as Bokuto walked back to their apartment building, disappearing from sight. It was painful to watch him go, and Akaashi wasn’t sure how to feel, knowing now that he and Bokuto-san were – essentially – finished.

Of course breaks are hard. He remembered how miserable Hinata was when he and Kageyama took a break from each other. He could only imagine how Kageyama felt, being the one to instigate the break. Their careers, the constant travelling, their clashing schedules; it only made sense at the time. But eventually, Hinata – and maybe Kageyama – went back to their normal routines; they both excelled in their volleyball careers, appearing on the sports channels a couple of times during interviews and battling each other out during leagues.

In fact, a couple of months after, when they both came back to Japan and joined the national team, they got back together, and things were okay between tem, almost as if they hadn’t missed out that chunk of time they were apart. But the difference between them was that the love between Hinata and Kageyama wasn’t lost; it was still there, they just needed some time apart to figure things out for themselves.

Maybe – just maybe – that could be the case between Akaashi and Bokuto-san.

Akaashi stared at the water and found the stars in the sky floating around him, the sky’s reflection shimmering on the surface of the pool. For a moment, he felt a little less lonely. He turned on his back and stared back into the sky. His body felt light, almost as if he was up there too, another shining star hanging in the sky. Oh what he’d give to be a star in the sky right now.

A Star.

Akaashi closed his eyes. Sure, the sky was brightly lit by the billions of stars, but no star would be brighter than the one he loved. And he knew for a fact that that star would continue to shine bright, with or without Akaashi.

“This was your choice,” Akaashi whispered to himself as he swam back to the edge of the pool, pushing himself up the ledge and out of the pool. Picking up the towel, he wrapped it around his shoulders and stared at the pool, small ripples slowly dying out along the surface of the water.

“It’s for the best,” Akaashi said quietly to the stars. “That way, we can both focus on our careers, and then we can come back to each other, stronger.”

But what if Bokuto-san doesn’t come back to me?

“Then,” Akaashi felt his eyes water. “Then he was never mine to begin with. Simple as that.”

“And that’s okay,” he continued, tears falling down his face. “Because I’m not expecting him to wait for me. And I know he won’t expect me to wait for him. So, it’s okay.”

He sat on the pool bench, gripping the towel tightly around himself. Slowly, one by one, the tears that he hadn’t known he was holding began to fall from his eyes. He felt his whole body shake as he began to sob uncontrollably into his towel, muffling his cries.

Eventually he managed to calm down, picking himself up and dragging himself back to his now empty apartment, which upon entering felt colder and darker than ever before. He switched on the living room lights to see a post it note with scribbled writing.

I’m sorry, I’ll come by tomorrow after by 8pm training to get my stuff. If you’re not here, no worries, I’ll use my key.

- Koutarou

Behind the post it was more scribbled handwriting.

PS I’m sorry

And that was that. Akaashi took the note to their once shared room, placed it in his dresser drawer and headed straight to the bathroom. Stripping himself of his swimsuit, he stood underneath the shower and cried some more as the water hit his face. Replaying their conversation in his head. He wondered how tomorrow would go. Should he be around when Bokuto-san came around? Maybe he should head out, give each other the space they need?

Tomorrow was a problem for his future self. For now, he just wanted to take a shower and scrub himself off tonight’s events.