Work Text:
For whatever reason, when Iori woke up that morning, he felt uneasy. His muscles were tight, but not alarmingly so, and he didn’t notice his brows were furrowed until he brought his hand up to rub the sleep out of his eyes.
It must not mean anything, he thought. Surely.
He was quickly proven wrong once he fully woke up and joined the rest of IDOLiSH7 in the common room. So far everything was business as usual—Tamaki was barely awake, with Sogo gently scolding him to hurry or he’ll be late for school. Yamato was slouched on the couch with a particularly large water bottle, hungover no doubt. Mitsuki and Nagi sat around him, watching the morning news. Then, Iori’s eyes fell onto Riku.
Oh.
“Nanase-san,” Iori said in his usual monotone voice. Riku was sitting at the table, scrolling on his phone. He held his head down, bangs hiding most of his face from Iori’s line of sight. He didn’t even flinch when Iori called his name. Slightly irritated now, Iori cleared his throat and spoke again.
“Good morning, Nanase-san,” he repeated.
To this, Riku jumped in his seat, his head turning to face Iori. “Oh, good morning, Iori! Did you sleep well?”
Iori didn’t respond immediately. His eyes narrowed subtly, as if studying every feature on Riku’s face. As always, Riku was easy to read. Even if Iori wasn’t familiar with every aspect of Riku’s being, he could tell when the usual light and bouncy tone of his voice was forced.
Iori was lost in his head, gears spinning on overdrive. Was Riku sick? Did he not sleep well? Are there rumors circulating again? Was it too cold in the dorm? His mind went through countless scenarios, each getting more unreasonable than the last. After an awkward pause between them, Riku opened his mouth to speak again, but Iori shook himself back to reality.
“I did. I hope you slept well too, Nanase-san,” he finally replied.
Riku nodded in affirmation, “Yeah! I managed to sleep through the whole night too, so I’m feeling refreshed today,” he said.
Why, Iori thought, why are you lying to me, Nanase-san?
Not that he had time to think about it. He flinched in surprise when Tamaki shouted in distress, “Ah! I told Isumin I’d help him clear that dungeon before class today! We gotta go, Iorin!!”
Seriously, was the world going to end tomorrow? Iori thought, Since when did Tamaki want to get to school early?
Iori sighed in defeat, deciding it was easier to go along with Tamaki while he was uncharacteristically motivated. He’d deal with Riku—and, by extension, Kujo Tenn—another time.
____________
Of course, Riku was feeling off that day. He could tell that Iori noticed, too, but that gave him even more of a reason not to tell Iori what was going on.
It wouldn’t end well, anyway, he thought. It never ends well when it’s about Tenn-nii.
Thankfully (or unfortunately), Riku was off that day. While the rest of IDOLiSH7 was out and about doing their work, Riku had time to sit in the dorm with his thoughts as his only company.
He felt his mind starting to race immediately, constantly going back to that one day, one moment. IDOLiSH7 and Trigger were scheduled to star in a variety show together. Everything was going well, until the groups performed some of their songs. One second, Tenn was smiling at him, praising him for his work on the variety show, and the next, Tenn was berating him for showing even the smallest bit of fatigue after their performance.
+++
”You see, you can’t handle being an idol. You’re going to get hurt if you keep this up,” Tenn said, his voice dripping with venom, “Stop being selfish and take care of yourself.”
“Aren’t you being the selfish one!?” Riku shouted back, suppressing his coughs. He didn’t care that he was causing a scene in the hallway backstage, not after enduring Tenn’s criticism for over a year at this point.
Riku tried to sound angry, but the tears welling up in his eyes betrayed his true emotions. “All you do is tell me what to do, to give up on everything…” he said, his voice starting to tremble. “Some days you’re nice, like when we were kids, but other days it’s like you can’t even stand the sight of me… If you hate me so much, then why do you bother saying anything at all?!”
Riku couldn’t quite decipher Tenn's expression. He’d never seen it before. Was it sadness? Anger? It couldn’t be guilt, right…?
____________
“Ugh, it’s no good…” Riku sighed dramatically on his bed. “Even after everything, I just want to see Tenn-nii… What is his problem?!” he exclaimed, ruffling his hair in frustration. “He doesn’t hate me… Does he? If he did, then… No! No negativity. Tenn-nii is a kind person. He’d never hate me. But then why…?”
Riku took a deep breath before screaming into his pillow. “Raarghhh…! Why is Tenn-nii so mean to me!” he groaned in annoyance to the empty room.
At least, he thought it was empty.
“Riku? What’s wrong?” Nagi’s voice suddenly reached Riku’s ears, causing the redhead to yelp in surprise.
“N-Nagi? I thought you were modeling today??” Riku stuttered, trying to gather himself after his soul nearly left his body from shock.
Nagi creaked the door open more, stepping into Riku’s room. “Yes! I just finished and came back. I knocked, but you seemed busy so I didn’t want to disturb you.”
“Ah.. haha, well, I’m not busy anymore, so it’s fine!”
Nagi was quiet for a moment. Then, his eyes sparkled and a wide grin took over his face. “If you’re off today, why don’t we watch Magical Kokona together?”
Riku laughed, Nagi’s joy being as contagious as ever. “Sure! It’s been a while since we spent time with just the two of us.”
That said, it was clear early on that neither of them were paying attention to the show. They both had seen this episode before, and Nagi had a hard time focusing on anything else while Riku was upset.
“Riku… are you okay?” he asked, Kokona’s voice fading into background noise.
Riku shook his head and forced a smile. “Yeah! Everything’s fine,” he paused, then said, “How are things going with your brother, by the way?”
“Oh! Things are lovely! I can tell he’s trying really hard, and he even asked me about Kokona the other day,” Nagi said happily. It made Riku’s heart tight, and he was immediately ridden with guilt for having that reaction.
“That’s great, Nagi! I’m glad to hear it,” Riku said, but Nagi didn’t buy it.
“What about you and your brother, Riku?”
Riku couldn’t help the dejected laugh that left his lips. “... It’s silly. To keep getting upset about the same thing over and over. I’m just… really tired, I guess.”
He paused, expecting the conversation to end there, but he saw Nagi’s concerned expression, as if waiting for him to continue.
“We’re…” Riku sighed. “I don’t know. Tenn-nii is kind, but then, sometimes, he’s…”
“It’s okay, Riku. We don’t need to tell anyone else what we talk about here,” Nagi said, sensing his hesitation, hoping to lessen the pressure on Riku and encourage him to speak his mind.
Riku took a breath, “It feels like we can never agree on anything. Some days he’s supportive of me, but other times it feels like he’s disgusted with me. And no matter what I do, I feel like we can’t get along,” he said. “We’re like… fire and ice,” a sudden wave of realization washed over him, “But if I’m fire, and he's ice, then I must be hurting him…”
Nagi interjected and shook his head before Riku could continue doom thinking. “I don’t think that's true. You may be different, but that means you can learn from each other and show each other different views of the world,” he said with a comforting smile. “If you’re fire, then you can show him the warmth of a sunrise. If he’s ice, he can show you the shine of the moon during a chilly night. Isn't that beautiful?”
Riku smiled at the analogy, but it faltered as the reality of his situation began to settle back in. “But… He won’t talk to me. And I’m pretty sure I made him mad again…”
“What if we set up a confession for him like we did for Yamato?”
“Haha, that would make him even more mad!” he said, allowing himself a laugh that quickly subsided.
“Maybe…” Riku started, pulling his knees up to his chest and lowering his head to hide his face. “Maybe it's time we said our goodbyes,” his voice barely audible.
“Riku…”
“Thanks for talking with me, Nagi.”
Riku lifted his head, giving Nagi a small, pained smile. There was a faraway look in his eyes, too. Nagi felt a weight pulling his heart down as he watched Riku drift farther and farther away from him, retreating to the dark void in his own heart.
+++
”Riku, please just listen—”
“Why should I?!” Riku shouted back at Tenn. They were in an empty dressing room now, after Tenn’s insistence that they shouldn't inconvenience anyone with their personal matters.
Riku’s chest was burning, but he fought the itch in his throat. In that moment, he’d rather die than give Tenn another reason to look down on him.
“You’re the one who abandoned us, Tenn-nii. You left. You…” his voice cracked, ”Why did you leave?”
The indiscernible look Tenn had on his face was quickly replaced by an unfeeling, distant expression. Riku could almost see Tenn putting up his icy walls, a familiar reaction to whenever this subject came up between the two of them.
“I already told you why I left,” Tenn glared. “I’m following Kujo-san now, because mom and dad failed their performers and responsibility as entertainers.”
“No,” Riku retorted, furrowing his brows in determination. “Tenn-nii is kind. He’d never hurt our parents. I want the real reason.” If Tenn flinched, he covered it up immediately.
“... That is the real reason,” he said, but Riku saw him hesitate. Tenn brushed it off in practiced indifference. “If that's all, then I’m leaving.”
“Why do you always push me away, Tenn-nii?” Riku said, his voice rising in volume, like a forest fire growing more out of control. “What did I do wrong… Why don’t you ever say anything…!”
“Riku that’s not—”
“Then explain it to me!” Riku shouted back exasperated. It was getting harder for him to breathe, as if there was a cloud of smoke engulfing him.
Everything was burning around him. Their surroundings melted away, leaving just the two of them in a void lit only by the violent flames scorching their souls.
Tell me it’s my fault, he thought. Tell me I ruined your life. Tell me you suffered for years because of me. Be honest with me for once in your life.
“All you do is push me away and tell me what to do, but you never tell me why! I love Tenn-nii, and I know you love me too, so please just talk to me.”
“Calm down, Riku…” Tenn whispered, the ice guarding him slowly thawing, losing fortitude.
“No! Stop telling me what to do and talk to me!”
I can’t.
____________
“Why can’t you?” Ryuu asked suddenly. Trigger was in their dressing room, readying themselves for a rehearsal ahead of their upcoming concert. Gaku had stepped out briefly to discuss something with the staff, leaving Ryuu and Tenn to kill time amongst themselves.
“What?” Tenn asked, the edge in his voice sharper than he intended.
“Riku-kun. Why can’t you talk to him? What are you afraid of?”
Ryuu’s intense gaze made Tenn feel meek. It took more effort than he’d like to admit to steel himself under that sharp look. “... I’m not afraid of anything.”
“Then why not talk to him?”
“That’s not any of your business.”
Ryuu laughed, “Sorry, but the day you called me your friend was the day this became my business. I’m prying <because we’re friends.”
When Ryuu was met with silence, he took a shallow breath before adding, “One day you’ll push him so far he won’t come back. Neither of you want that.”
“...”
“He’s not a weak kid anymore, you know,” Ryuu started. When Tenn didn’t respond again, he kept talking.
“He’s incredibly strong and hard working. I admire him a lot, actually,” Ryuu continued, smiling to himself. “It’s obvious that he means the world to you, too. I get it, though. Us older brothers can’t help but worry about the young ones, can we? It’s scary, but…” Ryuu turned to face Tenn, moving in front of Tenn so he couldn’t turn away.
“It’s okay to let go.”
They were interrupted by the knock of a staff member, calling to them to say they were ready to begin filming.
Tenn felt his muscles relax and he let out a breath. “... Let’s get to work.”
____________
Almost a month had passed since Riku and Tenn last spoke.
At the beginning, it was more of a nuisance than anything. Tenn noticed the Rabbichat messages from Riku slowed down, but even during joint work, Riku was treating him like a stranger. Calling him “Kujo-san” was one thing, but even the way Riku looked at Tenn was different now—glassy and empty.
And, frankly, that pissed Tenn off. He was visibly becoming more upset and irritable ever since he realized Riku was ignoring him. It never got in the way of their work—no, he’d never let anything get in the way of his job. But, any time Ryuu and Gaku nudged him to let them console him, Tenn blatantly refused. If it were anything else, maybe Tenn would have budged at some point, but not for this. Not when it was about Riku.
“I don’t get why you’re so upset. Isn’t this what you wanted, Tenn?” Gaku asked before their performance.
“Hah??” Tenn said, his eyes narrowing dangerously.
“Gaku, that’s too harsh—” Ryuu started, before being cut off by Gaku.
“Well, Tenn? You’ve been brooding for weeks. Are you going to talk to us or not? I can’t perform when you’re upset, and you shouldn’t have to be upset to begin with.”
“We have work to do—”.
“Don't give me that shit!” Gaku said, slamming his fist into the wall to his right. “We know Nanase hasn’t been speaking to you.”
“... That’s not true—”
“What are you so afraid of? Why can't you just admit you're sad?”
“Of course I’m sad!” Tenn shouted back, his voice breaking. Gaku and Ryuu’s eyes widened, shocked by the sudden outburst from the always calm and collected Kujo Tenn. Time froze around then, and no one knew what to do next.
Tenn took a slow, deep breath, regaining his composure. “Our fans are waiting for us.”
Gaku and Ryuu shared a glance. Tenn’s ability to compartmentalize his feelings truly was both incredibly impressive, depressing, and terrifying.
____________
He didn’t remember when or why it happened, but he did remember the lights in the arena blending together, the frantic screams from the audience and staff, and then the cold and hard ground slamming against his body.
Tenn’s vision was hazy, but he felt himself get carried off stage by the staff. Gaku was cursing him for pushing himself too hard, and Ryuu was equally worried but significantly less critical with his words.
Once they were backstage, the staff gently laid Tenn on a bench. His breathing was shallow and labored, his eyes shut from the overwhelming pain consuming him. He thought of his fans, fighting back tears once it dawned on him how he failed them all. Then his thoughts wandered to…
“I’m telling Nanase,” Gaku said to Ryuu, who nodded in agreement. Hearing his beloved brother’s name set Tenn off like a bomb.
“Do not tell Riku!” he forced himself to shout despite his scratchy and dry throat. “I swear to god, Gaku—”
But before he could protest any longer, he felt his consciousness slip from him and he passed out.
____________
Tenn was no stranger to hospitals. He’d been here countless times as a child to take care of Riku, and he had been admitted a couple of times himself due to his tendency to overwork. That said, it never failed to fill him with dread.
It was quiet, save for the occasional patient screaming in pain down the wing, and it was incredibly unsettling. He cursed himself and his incompetence for ending up in this situation.
After some time had passed, a nurse came in to check on him. They chatted about his condition for a bit, and thankfully, it didn’t seem like Tenn would need to be here long term.
“It seems like your body and mind were under immense stress. With some rest, you should be able to leave in the next day or so,” the nurse said.
Tenn briefly recalled Riku telling him something similar had happened to Osaka Sogo. He laughed quietly at the coincidence, knowing that Riku felt like Sogo was similar to him.
“Ah, yes. There are also visitors here for you. They said they are friends of yours. Would you like me to send them in?”
“Yes, please do. Thank you,” Tenn replied. He assumed it was Gaku and Ryuu, noting that it was odd that the two of them hadn’t stepped in to see him yet. That thought was quickly shattered when he heard the faint voice of his most dreaded person drawing closer.
“.... –nase-san, stop running—”
In classic Riku fashion, he burst through the door in a frenzy.
“Tenn-nii!”
“Riku…” he said quietly, eyes wide in shock. Iori followed behind Riku, closing the door gently after entering.
Riku nearly jumped to Tenn’s bedside, kneeling beside him with big, worried eyes. “Tenn-nii, I heard you collapsed. How are you feeling? Are you okay? Can I get you anything? Where does it hurt—”
“I’m fine, Riku,” Tenn cut him off, mustering a reassuring smile. “Shouldn’t you be working right now?”
“I finished recording my parts early and rushed here as soon as I heard what happened. Yaotome-san sounded really worried.”
“Ah, so he didn't listen…” Tenn muttered under his breath.
“What?”
Tenn shook his head, “Nothing, nevermind. I'm fine, so you can go now.”
The chill of silence filled the room. Tenn turned to Riku, confused as to why he hadn't responded yet. He opened his mouth to speak again, when he noticed Riku starting to tremble.
“... You’re pushing me away again,” Riku said in a low voice.
“No, Riku, I—” Tenn started, but was cut off by the venomous glare Riku shot at him. It was an expression he’d never seen on Riku before, and it sent a chill down his spine.
“I’m sorry I bothered you, Kujo-san,” he said quietly. Without sparing Tenn another glance, Riku exited the hospital room, leaving his brother and Iori in a tense silence.
+++
”Hi, Tsumugi. Is Nanase around?” Gaku said on the phone in the hospital’s waiting room. “... Tenn is in the hospital. I just thought he should know… Mm, he’s stable, but we’ve never seen him get this bad before… Of course, thanks for letting him know. See you.”
Gaku sighed and glanced at Ryuu sitting next to him.
“Tenn won’t be happy about this,” Ryuu sighed, rubbing his temples to release some of the tension he built up during the day.
“No, he probably won’t,” Gaku agreed, “But Nanase deserves to know.
+++
Riku got the news during a recording session. He and Iori were going to release a new duet soon, so the two of them were going into the studio together more often.
Tsumugi had called Riku to the side during one of their breaks and told him the news. His eyes widened in shock, hands going limp at his sides.
“Tenn-nii is…”
“Gaku-san said he was stable, so there’s nothing to worry about—”
“I have to go see him, manager,” Riku said firmly.
“I understand, but—”
Iori, overhearing the entire conversation, made his way over to Riku and Tsumugi. “We made a lot of progress, so we can wrap up early today. I’ll go with you to see him,” he said. Riku smiled at Iori gratefully and nodded.
There’s no way I’d let you be alone with that guy, anyway, Iori thought.
____________
“Kujo-san,” Iori spoke up. He still stood by the door, seeing no reason to get any closer to the other idol.
“Izumi Iori,” Tenn replied, hoping the daggers in his eyes could pierce through Iori.
“I’d appreciate it if you could refrain from letting your obsession with controlling Nanase-san impede his work,” Iori said.
“And what is that supposed to mean?”
“It means, your indecisiveness and volatility renders Nanase-san unstable, and it is negatively impacting his performance. Not only that, but…”
Iori paused, causing Tenn to lift his head and face Iori. Tenn was met with an expression he was all too familiar with—the look of someone fighting the swirling storm in their heart.
“... You’re hurting him,” Iori said, steeling himself and locking eyes with Tenn. “Have you ever considered how your words affect him? You’re a contradiction, Kujo Tenn. You wish for his happiness, yet you’re the one trying to take that away from him.”
“I never thought I’d get a lecture on empathy from you…” Tenn grumbled.
Iori smiled fondly, redirecting his gaze to the window. “I must’ve stayed in the sun for too long.”
Tenn allowed himself the fleeting thought that, maybe, it wouldn’t be so bad if he gave himself to the sunlight, too.
____________
Gaku was sitting on the couch when Tenn returned to Trigger’s shared apartment.
“Yo,” Gaku called from the living room.
“You told Riku I was in the hospital,” Tenn said calmly, but with an edge that could kill. He joined Gaku in the living room, sinking into the couch next to him.
“You can’t seriously be upset with me about that!”
Tenn narrowed his eyes, held it for a second, then sighed. “No, I suppose not.”
“How are you feeling?”
“Better. The doctor said I can resume work tomorrow.”
“That's good.”
“Gaku,” Tenn said suddenly, in a soft tone, “... Do you think it’s okay if I let go?”
It didn’t take Gaku long to realize what Tenn was referring to. He shot him a reassuring smile and said, “Of course it is, Tenn. You’ve worked hard.”
Tenn blinked his tears away, to no avail. In one swift movement, Gaku wrapped his arms around the other boy and held him as he quietly cried.
____________
Riku jumped in surprise when his phone started ringing in the middle of the night. He had gotten back late from work today, and was just about to fall asleep when he was jolted awake by that incessant ringing. He initially chose to ignore it, but curiosity got the better of him. Riku patted down his nightstand to find his phone, then rubbed his eyes and looked at the screen with blurry vision.
“Tenn-nii…?” he whispered to himself, furrowing his brows in confusion. Panic seized his heart and he took a deep breath, contemplating what to do next. Just as the phone began its last ring, Riku scrambled to pick up the call in time.
“Hi, Riku.”
“Tenn—Kujo-san.”
“... I’m sorry for calling you so late. Did I wake you?”
The conflict in Riku’s chest grew. He recognized this voice. It was the kind Tenn-nii, the gentle one. The one who rarely showed himself in front of Riku anymore.
“You didn’t, but, um, do you need something?”
Tenn took a second before replying, “Are you free right now? Is it okay if we meet?”
“Now?? Just the two of us?”
“Mm. Just the two of us.”
____________
It was a cloudy, starless night when the twins met. Tenn was already at their usual spot when Riku arrived, facing toward Zero Arena. Riku walked up to his side, noticeably keeping his distance. They both knew that if they faced each other right now, neither of them would be able to hold themself together.
“Thanks for coming out so late,” Tenn said softly, “Are you cold? Do you need my scarf?”
“N-no, I’m fine. I’m already wearing one, Tenn-nii.”
“Haha, right. Force of habit.”
They let themselves seep into the silence as they gazed at the grand arena across the water. Tenn wanted to enjoy this peace for just a bit longer, knowing that once he opened up to Riku, the delicate balance he created between them could come crashing down at any moment. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
“I’m sorry, Riku.”
“Tenn-nii? You don’t have to be—”
“No. I do,” Tenn insisted, finally gathering the courage to face Riku. “I hurt you, didn’t I? I’ve been hurting you.”
Riku stuttered, unsure how to handle this version of his brother. “I-I mean, not really— You did, but—”
“You’ve grown up into a strong person, you know,” Tenn interrupted, smiling warmly at Riku. “I’m sorry it took me so long to recognize that. Your big brother is selfish.”
“I know you were just looking out for me, though…”
“Riku.”
“Mm?”
“Can I be selfish for just a little bit longer?”
Riku tilted his head to the side, signaling for Tenn to elaborate.
“The reason I left home—the real reason—is it okay if I keep it to myself for a little bit longer?” Tenn took a shaky breath, “I don’t want to push you away anymore, and I know you’re not the same weak child I left all those years ago, but... I’m the one who isn’t ready to talk about it yet.”
Riku couldn’t help the wide smile appearing on his face, “This is the first time you’ve ever been honest with me,” he said, feeling tears begin to well up in his eyes. “I’ll wait for you, Tenn-nii. No matter how long it takes. You can come to me this time, whenever you’re ready, and I’ll be right here waiting for you.”
The clouds parted just enough for the moonlight to peek through the chilly night air, illuminating them with a gentle glow. Riku couldn’t help but think that, maybe, the view from the ice wasn’t so bad after all.