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Age 18
Satoru’s head is resting on his desk, his eyes closed.
The classroom is loud, his classmates around him are shouting and laughing, desks and chairs are being pushed around, scraping across the wooden floor. But he doesn’t mind and stopped caring about the noise surrounding him a long time ago. Thanks to the bubble he has created over the years, the noise is just bouncing off. Truthfully, it has become quite peaceful.
It’s the break before the last period and Satoru is more than ready to go home. He’s so close to going to the nurse’s office to report sick. But since it’s the last period anyway, he decides against it. Wouldn’t be worth the energy anyway.
Satoru is close to dozing off, when someone lightly taps his shoulder.
“Don’t fall asleep, Satoru.”
Satoru can hear the smile in the words directed at him. He can even hear the softness that always accompanies Suguru’s tone. He suppresses the smile that is starting to form on his lips. Instead, he blinks one eye open and is met with the sight of his best friend sitting down at the desk next to him.
“Not sleeping,” Satoru murmurs. “Just resting my eyes.”
“Sure,” Suguru chuckles, his eyes turning into crescents like they always do when he is amused. It does something to Satoru every single time. Something he isn’t willing to explore any further though. That it makes him happy to see his best friend’s smile is completely normal and it surely doesn’t go beyond that. Before Satoru can further lose himself in Suguru’s facial expression, he sighs and pushes himself up on his elbows.
“Can’t wait to go home,” he says, turning his body to face Suguru.
“Yeah, same,” Suguru replies, while taking out his history book for their last period, leafing through the pages.
“Wanna hang out after school?” Satoru feels a little stupid asking this, because they almost always hang out after school, but for some reason he feels compelled to. He doesn’t want to assume that Suguru always makes time for him.
“I can’t today,” Suguru looks up from his book. “I have to take care of something.”
“Okay,” Satoru says a little bit too fast, and he hates that Suguru is immediately wearing an apologetic expression. What is he sorry for? Why does he feel like he needs to be sorry for anything?
“We can hang out tomorrow, if you like,” Suguru says, while still looking sorry. Satoru’s guts twists one more time with … Guilt? Shame? Sadness? Whatever it is, it annoys him. Instead of further loathing in whatever this feeling is, he smiles and gives Suguru a thumbs up, trying to hide what’s happening inside of him. Over time, not only with friends but also with his family, he has learned to hide his feelings behind rehearsed expressions. No point in letting anyone in on his stupid and self-conscious thoughts.
Their history teacher shows up and now he’s glad class is starting.
Later, in the evening after dinner, Satoru is sprawled out on his bed, only wearing a sleep shirt and his boxers, his head hanging off the edge. He’s still thinking about this afternoon. During the last period he started to worry about what Suguru said and hasn’t been able to shake it since.
What did Suguru have to take care of and why didn’t he tell him what it was? He immediately feels guilty for thinking that. Why didn’t he just ask what he had to take care of? But then again, wouldn’t that be overstepping Suguru’s boundaries? The questions are piling up and his mind is racing.
He starts mindlessly scrolling through his socials to distract himself when a message pops up. Purposefully, he ignores the tiny flip his stomach does, when he sees that it’s Suguru who has messaged him.
9:31 suguru : hey, you still up?
9:32 satoru : you really think i’m asleep at 9:30 pm? lol
9:33 suguru : wanna hang?
9:33 satoru : now??
9:34 suguru : i’m outside
Satoru gets up a little too fast, his head slightly spinning as he scrambles to his window to look outside. And of course, Suguru is standing there. He’s looking up at him as if he knew that Satoru would look outside the window to make sure he wasn’t fucking with him.
Satoru bites down a smile, as he types down in a second and sends it, before putting on a pair of pants and a hoodie.
They decide to walk all the way out of Satoru’s neighborhood to one of the parks they hang out at from time to time. It’s dark and the street lights are not really doing their best job at lighting up the park. Silence has settled between the two after exchanging only a few words. For some reason, Satoru feels a little nervous. He can’t really put his finger on what exactly makes him more nervous than usual, though.
He’s gazing at Suguru from the side, trying to figure it out, when he’s caught looking. Satoru quickly averts his eyes. He suddenly feels like he needs to fill the silence with some nonsense, so he just starts babbling once they sit down on a bench.
Satoru doesn’t even know what he’s talking about when Suguru finally interrupts him.
“I’m sorry I didn’t have time after school,” he starts. He goes on before Satoru can tell him that he doesn’t have to be sorry, because he hasn’t done anything he could even be sorry for.
“I wanted to hang out with you, but there was an issue with my sisters. They have been bullied in school and I had to talk to the teacher and stuff. I didn’t want to worry you, but I feel like by not telling you I kind of made it worse.”
“No, please don’t” Satoru pauses, chewing his bottom lip. “Apologize, I mean. You don’t have to tell me these things, if you don’t want to.”
“But I want to.”
Satoru is staring into the darkness that is surrounding them, not sure what to say. He can feel Suguru eyeing from beside him, but Satoru can’t bring himself to face him for some reason. Something is stopping him.
After a moment Suguru speaks up again. “You are the only person I’d talk to about these things, Satoru.”
Satoru feels like his lungs are going to explode, or his heart, or maybe he himself. The ball that has been constantly growing in the pit of his stomach since this afternoon loosens when he feels Suguru’s pinky moving over his own. Satoru is falling apart and Suguru puts him back together little by little. He interlaces their hands hesitantly, as though he is waiting for Satoru to pull his hand back. But how could he ever.
Besides the fact that he isn’t able to move an inch, because he is scared he will break, he could never reject Suguru.
Age 22
When Satoru gets back to his dorm room, it’s dark.
Under different circumstances this shouldn’t really be surprising, given that it’s two in the morning. However, knowing his roommate usually is up at that time – weekdays and weekend alike – it does come as a surprise to Satoru. He thinks that maybe he had a rough day or something, so Satoru doesn’t dwell on it any further. He toes off his shoes, takes off his jacket and sets down his backpack as silently as possible, not to wake Suguru.
Satoru had a shitty day and was looking forward to rant about it to Suguru. Uni has been stressful enough as is lately, but having to do a stupid group project with the most incapable people Satoru has ever met in his life on top of everything was his last straw today. He quietly makes his way over to the bathroom to take a quick shower to wash off the frustration and tension that has been building up over the last few hours.
When he steps out of the bathroom again, he at least feels somewhat better. Sleep will help, for sure.
He tiptoes to his dresser to pick a shirt to sleep in when he hears movement from the other side of the room. When he thinks it’s just Suguru turning in his sleep he hears a sigh, followed by his name, barely more than a whisper. At first Satoru thinks the other is just talking in his sleep or, not unlikely either, that he is just imagining it. But then he hears it again.
“Satoru.”
When Satoru turns around, he’s met with the sight of Suguru leaning on his elbow, gazing at him from across the room. His hair is pulled back in a loose bun and he looks tired. “Yeah?”
“Why didn’t you reply to my texts?” Suguru asks. His voice is soft and quiet, he doesn’t really sound mad, but Satoru still feels guilty. His phone had died when he was still at the library, working on the group project, and he didn’t have a charger on him.
“Sorry, my phone died. Did something happen?”
“No, I was just a little worried, I guess. I don’t know.”
That happened sometimes, Satoru forgetting to check his messages or forgetting to reply and Suguru ending up worrying. He never means anything by it, but that doesn’t change the fact that he causes unnecessary stress to his best friend sometimes. Too many times.
“I’m sorry.” Satoru can’t even say that it won’t happen again, because, knowing himself, it most likely will.
He looks away from Suguru and stares at the floor bashfully. Even though it’s dark, he still feels Suguru’s eyes on him.
“Can you come over here,” Suguru’s voice becomes even more quiet. Even more tender.
Without looking up, he shuffles over to Suguru’s bed and sits on the edge.
“I’m really sorry, I didn’t want to make you worry. I didn’t plan on staying so long at the library, but my assigned group is incompetent as fuck, so I had to stay behind to basically do most of the work and–”
Suguru cuts him off by placing his hand on top of his. At that Satoru finally looks up and is rewarded with a small smile. Even though it’s the faintest pull at the corners of his mouth, it makes Satoru wish that he was the only one who he smiled at like that. It’s a smile only reserved for him, for moments like these between the two of them.
“It’s fine, Satoru. I was just anxious today, more than usual, so I got in my head a little.” With this, Suguru squeezes his hand lightly and lifts up the blanket, an invitation for him to lay down next to him. And of course, Satoru can’t say no to that.
Laying next to his best friend always calms and comforts him. Satoru closes his eyes, his hand still in Suguru’s, their fingers interlaced.
“You wanna talk about your day?”
Satoru is suddenly overcome with overwhelming fatigue. He shakes his head slightly. “Maybe tomorrow.”
“Alright,” Suguru replies simply, rubbing slow circles onto the back of his hand with his thumb. At that Satoru presses closer, wanting to wrap himself in the other’s warmth.
“What about you? How was your day?” Satoru mumbles, words coming out a little dragged.
“Nothing special,” Suguru replies, “Went to classes then to work, came home, you know the rest.”
He snickers when Satoru pinches the skin of his forearm at the slight dig at him for making Suguru worry. Satoru pinches him again for laughing. Then, he feels his best friend turn so that his chin is resting on top of his head. “I’m glad you are here now though,” he mutters into white hair, having Satoru bite down a smile.
“Me too.” He turns too, face disappearing into the other’s neck. His arm rests around Suguru’s waist, pulling him a little closer. He wishes they could stay like this forever.
Before falling asleep, he thinks he feels Suguru’s lips on his forehead. It’s swift and gentle; barely even noticeable. Might as well be him drifting off to sleep and dreaming it up in the process. It wouldn’t be the first time he dreams of Suguru kissing him.
When Satoru wakes the next morning, Suguru is already gone. He actually did notice him get out of bed, but slumber took over him again immediately, so he wasn’t able to send him off.
He’s still all tangled in Suguru’s sheets when he turns to look at the alarm on the bedside table. 9:24 AM. He doesn’t have any classes today and also doesn’t have to be anywhere before noon, so he can take it slow this morning. After stretching the sleep out of his joints, he notices his phone on Suguru’s night stand, hooked on the charger, which definitely wasn’t his work. He can’t help but grin at the thought of Suguru plugging in his phone for him.
He shifts to grab his phone. Six messages in total. Three from yesterday evening, asking about his whereabouts, that he should respond if he’s reading his messages, whether he’s alright. But before the guilt from last night catches up with him again, he reads the next three messages from this morning and if his smile has faltered, it is back, lips stretching even wider than before.
hope i didn’t wake u, u looked very peaceful
let ur phone charge fully!
have a nice day, see u later :)
Age 27
Muffled sounds coming from the kitchen wake Satoru from his sleep. The light seeping in through the blinds makes it hard for him to fall back asleep, even after he turns away from the window. He groans, trying to blink the sleep away. Before he can fully open his eyes, he hears the bedroom door open and the aroma of morning coffee surrounds him.
Light footsteps fill the, otherwise, quiet room and halt before the bed. Satoru squints up at the figure before him and smiles sleepily once Suguru's frame comes into focus.
“Hi,” Suguru grins down at him before placing the two mugs he has in either of his hands down on the bedside table.
“Hey,” Satoru replies, his voice still thick with sleep. He stretches his arms out towards Suguru who takes both his hands and kisses his knuckles before getting under the covers beside him. This has become sort of a ritual between the two on Sunday mornings. Suguru is usually up before Satoru, so he gets up and makes coffee, just to bring it with him to the bedroom to lay back down next to Suguru.
Satoru throws a leg over the other man’s hip to get closer to him, nuzzling his face into his chest. He’s still very much sleepy and not ready to engage in a coherent conversation, but this he can do. He feels Suguru’s hands coming up, burying his fingers in his tousled hair and grazing them gently against his scalp.
“Sleep well?” He hears Suguru asking. He only grunts into his chest, which starts rumbling with affectionate, gentle laughter. Suguru kisses the top of his head and this time it isn’t a product of his fantasy. He hadn’t have to dream of this, or any other kiss, for a long time now. This doesn’t prevent him from feeling as though he is trapped in an endless dream when he is with Suguru. Honestly, every so often just looking at him is enough for Satoru’s chest to burn with affection.
Satoru can’t really tell how much time passes, but once he feels like he is able to do more than just grunt in response to anything Suguru says, he shifts to lift his head. Loose strands are framing his face and the skin under his eyes is darkened from lost sleep over stressful days and long nights, but to Satoru he is just as remarkable and otherworldly as ever. From the arch of his brows, to the curve of his lips – from his faint beauty marks to the light wrinkles by his eyes.
He can’t help but plant a kiss on his lips. This earns him another heart melting smile.
“Finally awake now?” Suguru’s smile turns into a grin, which Satoru mirrors.
“Yes.”
One hour later, their coffees are long forgotten, they are still comfortably entangled in their sheets. Exchanging slow kisses, their bodies are pressing against one another beneath the warmth of their blankets. At some point Suguru lays on top of his chest, while Satoru drags his fingers through his long hair. He mentions that their coffees have probably gone cold and that they should get up to make new ones. Begrudgingly, Satoru agrees.
While Suguru is remaking their coffees in the kitchen, Satoru follows his movements from where he is sitting on a bar stool. He adores just watching his boyfriend make coffee or cook for them – whenever he finds a way out of having to help that is. He watches the way Suguru’s long black hair falls over his shoulders and over his back. It has grown quite a bit over the years and Suguru has become attached to it. So has Satoru.
When Suguru turns around with two mugs in his hand, he catches Satoru staring and cocks his head a little to the side, sporting a crooked smile on his lips. “What?”
“Nothing,” Satoru hums and beams at him as he takes the steaming mug Suguru hands him. His smile falls though, when he takes a sip of his way too hot coffee.
The laugh bursting out of Suguru almost makes it worth it, as Satoru sticks his burned tongue out and whines. Truthfully, he can’t even be mad at him for laughing, not when his laugh makes every ray of sunshine look pale in comparison. There was a time when Suguru didn’t laugh as much. Having to take care of his siblings and his mother, while also graduating from high school with good grades caused him more than just a little stress and pain.
Back then, Satoru projected a lot of his insecurities onto Suguru and their relationship, but fortunately they managed to work it out. It is almost a small miracle that Satoru didn’t ruin their friendship altogether with how much distance he had put between them, with how violently he had tried to push Suguru away in his self-destructive tendencies. But Suguru never let go of him, not once.
Over time, Satoru learned that it is okay to let himself be loved by others and that it is equally okay to give back the love he receives. Suguru has shown him how.
Lost in thought, he hasn’t even noticed how Suguru is now the one observing him. Once their eyes meet, Suguru leans in to press a kiss to his lips as though he knows what he is thinking. This is probably the hundredth kiss they shared this morning alone, one sweeter than the next. Just another reminder of the love and the bond that was built over the years they spent with each other and the years to come.
And Satoru wouldn’t give this up for anything in the world.