Work Text:
It was all too much.
Jimmy had gotten used to his bustling work environment over the years, but that didn’t make it any less painful.
His day had started out very well. He woke up feeling well rested and refreshed, something that barely happens nowadays. He turned over and looked at Kim’s sleeping face. Her blonde hair was a tangled mess, unlike her usual slicked back ponytail. They had been together for months now, and he has never felt more comfortable around another person. They didn’t need to talk to each other, which Jimmy appreciated. They could just sit in silence next to each other, and that would be enough. After a long, stressful, overwhelming day silence was the best medicine.
The first sign today would go wrong was his tie. He couldn’t seem to get his fingers to cooperate and he kept tying it too tight. He could feel his frustration building up inside him like a bubble. After his fifth attempt he reached for a handful of his hair and started to pull. Not now. He thought. Just get through today. Can you at least do that. Stop being a big baby. He let go of his fistful of hair and continued to get ready. He would never admit it to anyone else, but getting dressed was a Herculean task for him. Over the years he had learned tips and tricks to make it less overwhelming, and he made a structured routine out of it. His tie was last. He was screwing up his entire routine over his tie. Kim was getting dressed simultaneously, and didn’t seem to notice his distress. Finally on the sixth attempt he succeeded. He let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding and started to put on his shoes. Putting on his shoes was also a big task for him, but he was an adult. He shouldn’t need help tying his shoe laces.
The next sign today would go wrong was his coffee. He accidentally spilled it all over the table. Clumsy. Can’t even pour your damn coffee. The sound of the cup hitting the table was agonizing. He resisted the urge to cover his ears. The feeling of the hot coffee dripping onto his pant leg was even worse. He started roughly scratching his face. Not now.
“Hey, what’s up?” Kim. She was as beautiful as ever, her suit accentuating her in all the right places.
“N-nothing, just spilt my coffee. No big deal.” It was a big deal. To him at least. The worst part of growing up with autism was the world not understanding you. He had no way to explain that the sound of people talking in a silent room felt like sand paper in his eardrums, and he certainly couldn’t explain why he couldn’t sleep on a velvet pillow case.
He kissed Kim goodbye and started the drive to work. He had a trial today. Great. He tried to focus on his work. Not the sound of the cars driving by, or the constant clicking of his turn signal. He hummed a tune to help distract himself. He clumsily grabbed his brief case after parking in a shady spot, and made his way into the court house.
The third sign today would go wrong was the lights. They seemed to be so much brighter and more fluorescent than ever before. Jimmy felt embarrassed, squinting inside. He used to carry sunglasses everywhere with him until he realized he looked like a frat boy douchebag. The trial wasn’t any better. He kept dropping his pencil, and he couldn’t help but pay attention to the voice of the witness. It was so shrill, and high pitched, like a knife being driven through his ears.
Winning the case didn’t make him feel any better. But finally going home did. It felt like he was trapped in that building for years.
He got in his car and immediately started rocking back and forth. He had taught himself not to move that way in-front of other people.
“I think it’s cute Jimmy.” Said Kim.
“What?”
“The rocking. It’s cute.”
“No it’s not,” He suddenly stopped himself. “It’s not cute. It’s ugly and embarrassing.”Kim rested her hand on top of his.
“Don’t stop on my account. Do whatever makes you feel comfortable.”
He started his car and let out a low hum, trying to focus solely on the road ahead of him. He liked the feeling of the vibration in his throat. He couldn’t explain it, but he loved the feeling of his car on the smooth pavement. He avoided potholes at all costs, since they disrupted his short moments of bliss. After an agonizingly long day he pulled into the parking garage. It was so fucking hot. He was sweating; he hated sweating. He hated taking his clothes on an off when he was sweaty, which sucked since he was genuinely soaked. His tie was cutting off his circulation, and his shoes weren’t tied tight enough. After a quick google search of what is business casual , he realized that normal adults don’t wear sneakers to work. They wear formal dress shoes. The night before he started out at HHM he went out and bought his first pair. They felt horrible, and he hated having to tie them. But he had convinced himself that it was the only option. Different wasn’t an option.
The aroma of their shared apartment consumed him as he walked in. The smell of comfort. He was so on edge, he needed to get out of these fucking clothes. He dropped his bag on the floor, and flinched at the sound of the metal clasp on the ground. His hands inches up towards his ears, but he forcefully put them back down at his sides.
Kim had been trying to get him more comfortable being himself.
“You shouldn’t hide yourself in your own home Jimmy.”
“I can’t help it.”
“Well you should let loose a little. You’re so tightly wound. I love you nonetheless.”
He really wanted to yell out for Kim, but he realized his voice had left him. He didn’t feel like talking anyway. Then it happened. In the distance, the high pitched siren of an ambulance. That was the last straw. Jimmy harshly covered his ears, his nails digging into his skin. He let out a high pitched whine.
Pathetic.
“Jimmy?” It was Kim. Her voice was calming.
She walked into the room, her eyes landing on his pained expression. “Jimmy.” She whispered. “Hey, it’s okay. You’re safe.” She noticed the redness around his ears and sighed. “You’re hurting yourself honey.”
He didn’t make eye contact with her, but he looked at her lips. They were shaped into a kind smile. He hated himself. Why was she so normal. Why couldn’t he be like her .
“Why don’t we go to the bedroom? Change into our good clothes?” Jimmy eagerly nodded.
She rested her hand gently on his back, serving to guide him into their bedroom.
He plopped himself down on their bed, his hands still tightly clamped over his ears. He looked over at Kim, who was picking out his pajamas. Can’t even dress yourself. You’re such a baby.
“Okay, can you take your tie off for me?” He took his hands off of his ears, and attempted to take off his tie. After the fourth try his hands finally cooperated and he was let go from his chokehold.
“Do you want me to take your shoes off for you?” Jimmy hesitantly nodded. There was no way he was getting those off. He signed thank you.
“No problem sweetheart.” They had been learning basic sign language together since Jimmy confessed to her that sometimes his voice disappears. Just basic things like thank you, I love you, yes, no. It helped a lot.
“Okay, let’s put on your pajamas.” Her voice was so gentle. Why did she have to be so damn nice. He was acting annoying and childish, he doesn’t deserve her kindness. He stood up, and allowed Kim to gently guide him. She unbuttoned his shirt, and helped him change his pants. She wanted to respect his autonomy, but she knew when he needed her. She also knew how stubborn he was, and how he would rather sleep in his work clothes than ask for help.
Finally, he was changed into soft sweats. He felt a lot better. He began to slowly rock back and forth, releasing the remaining tension in his body.
“Can I see?” Said Kim, gesturing towards his ears. He nodded. She gently touched the reddened skin. “Jimmy, honey. Why didn’t you tell me it was this bad? You could’ve called in sick.” He shrugged.
Sorry, he signed.
“No need to be sorry. Just, next time tell me? Please? I need you to communicate with me. You’re not the easiest person to read.”
He nodded. He had stopped rocking and instead began to flutter his fingers.
“Are you hungry?” He nodded. “Let’s go eat then.” She held out her hand and he took it. She squeezed it tightly.
Jimmy had a list of safe foods that he always went back to. It consisted of butter noodles, grilled cheese, and other incredibly plain foods. Kim knew this because she made him write out a list for her. She used to cook him all sorts of things, but he eventually communicated that the texture of salt made him want to claw his eyes out, and that he couldn’t stand to eat carrots.
“Grilled cheese it is then?” She asked gently. He nodded.
He absolutely hated this feeling of helplessness, like he was Kim’s little damsel in distress that couldn’t cook his own dinner. She assured him that she was fine with taking care of him, and that he deserved to be accommodated. He sat at the counter, his legs swinging back and forth, fingers tapping the table. He allowed himself to stim subtly like this, but rarely anything more. He had the irrational fear that Kim would yell quiet hands, or hurt him somehow if he acted too weird. Since her back was turned however, he allowed himself to gently flap his hands, fingers curling in as they moved. He hummed softly, not to any particular tune. What he didn’t notice was that Kim had turned around to face him, and she had a sweet smile adorning her face.
“That’s it Jimmy, let it out. I won’t judge you I promise.” His face turned red, and he began to harshly rub his face as a whine threatened to escape his lips. “Hey not too hard, don’t want you to hurt yourself.” She noticed that Jimmy would rub his face whenever he felt overwhelmed, and she couldn’t think of a reason why. It never ended well though, his skin becoming almost raw afterwards.
She finished up his dinner, and placed it in front of him. Grilled cheese was a safe food because it didn’t require the use of any utensils. Jimmy’s fingers didn’t always cooperate, and he would rather die than use a fork with a plastic handle. Kim sat next to him, eating her grilled cheese with tomato’s and basil. He subtly rocked next to her, and she found him adorable. She loved that he showed this side of himself to her, and only her. It made her feel special, like she truly was his .
Done, he signed.
“Okay sweetie.” She grabbed his plate and rinsed it off as he migrated to their bedroom. He was exhausted, his body was weighing him down.
He sat on their bed, tucking himself under the covers. He would brush his teeth in the morning. Kim soon followed, letting her hair down before sitting next to him. She didn’t initiate any contact, letting him take the lead. He soon snuggled up against her, his fingers finding their way into his mouth. He tried his best not to bite his nails or fingers at work, but at home he really didn’t care. He was with his Kim, and no matter how much he feared it he knew that she would never hurt him.
“Ready for bed sweetheart?” Said Kim, running her fingers through his thinning hair.
He nodded against her, leaning into her touch. She turned off the lamp beside her.
“Goodnight, Jimmy. I love you.”
He hated not being able to talk. He loved Kim so much, and he couldn’t stomach talking enough to let her know. She knew he was overthinking this, because he began to squirm and let out a distressed whine.
“It’s okay honey, I know you love me too. You don’t have to say it.”
He let out a sigh of relief, and closed his eyes against her. He truly did.