Work Text:
I'm sorry, an emergency surgery came up. Please order to your heart's content with my card. [My Heart 7:46 pm]
Your heart felt a little tight. You blame it on rushing to the entrance 20 minutes earlier than when Zayne was supposed to pick you up. You can either be petty or go with your usual coping mechanism. You choose the latter.
Oh, it's okay, I haven't left yet. I'll just catch up on some games. Don't work too hard~ I love you. [7:55 pm]
You tried to convince yourself that you knew what you signed up for when you started dating Zayne. He let you know about his work before you dated, and you reassured him it was okay. So why do you feel so horrible now? He holds lives in his hands, but doesn't he hold your heart too?
Looking away from your phone, you saw your reflection in the glass. Red lips because he can't resist kissing them off you, a long dress and a cardigan because you don't want to catch a cold and worry him. This wasn't the same reflection you saw before you left your apartment. You felt beautiful and giddy, and now, nothing changed with how you dressed, but the feeling is different when you smile the same.
It's been like a month of cancellations and mismatched schedules. You miss seeing him in person, smelling his soap. You can't even stop yourself from imagining smelling him, and now there's nothing. Closing your eyes to push those negative thoughts away, you look at yourself. Maybe you're too into him. Maybe you want him more than he wants you.
"Love yourself. Your happiness shouldn't depend on someone else." The line you heard before suddenly resurfaced. If only it were that easy, but nonetheless, it is true.
Taking a deep breath, you walk closer to the reflection and look at her kindly. "You're already all dressed up, so how about a date?" You feel silly, but it feels nice to be kind to yourself.
You check your phone and book a movie, a restaurant, and plan to at least get a new dress.
You found yourself feeling awkward being alone in a restaurant, but after ordering for yourself without a care or consideration for anyone else, it felt liberating. You ended up ordering a glass of wine, sweets, and a three-course meal. After getting over the awkwardness, you started to enjoy the food and observe people, making up stories and conspiracies in your head.
After settling the bill with your own money, you headed to buy a dress. You don't always get to wear dresses because you don't usually have a place to wear them. But then again, you can just wear it at home!
You found an amazing floral sundress. Giddy, you bought it and wore it right there and then, buying matching sandals. Maybe a trip to the beach wouldn't be so bad to end the night. Speaking of that, you remember Rafayel and consider inviting him out, but it wouldn't be fair to your boyfriend, so you cross it out. You may be disappointed with Zayne, but you wouldn't want to do that to him.
But a trip to the sea would be nice. With a cab, you took off your sandals and walked barefoot, looking at the vast sea.
Reflecting on your relationship with Zayne, you realize it was maybe premature to date him when both of you are just busy with work. Maybe you want someone who will be there for you, and the thought of Rafayel resurfaced. Were you thinking of Rafa only because you were lonely?
You sighed and looked at the stretch of ocean. You could only see the waves, hear them kissing the shore. Would it be better just to break up? The thought made your heart tight.
Then a call came in, pulling you out of your thoughts. Checking it, you saw it was a video call from Zayne. You felt guilty. For sure, he just got out of surgery and made time to call you right away. Was it fair?
Then it dropped. Maybe you're not thinking clearly. You sighed and sat down on the sand, not minding that your new dress could be ruined. You looked at the call and didn't chat back. You can just say you're sleeping then. You need time to think. Would the fact that you're lying to not hurt him be a sign it's better to let it go?
You hugged your knees to yourself and rested on your hands, still looking at the sea. You don't know how long you were there, but you were surprised when something soft and warm covered you. Gasping, you looked up and saw Zayne there.
"Zayne," you softly say, and Zayne looked at you kindly, "How?"
"Partner locations," Zayne simply said and inclined his head to the space next to you. You nod for him to take a seat. Oh, you failed to remember you both had installed that app for safety. You didn't know what to say. You didn't want to make him feel like it was his fault if you chose to voice out your thoughts. Maybe it's just the night, maybe you just need to cool down. You can't look at him now. His laundry soap fills your senses, but right now, it didn't bring you the comfort you thought it would.
"I'm sorry for standing you up again, love."
The quietest sorry made the tightness in your chest worse. "It's okay, I understand—"
"Please, don't tell me it's okay, because I can feel it's not."
"Zayne—"
Zayne was looking back at you as if he was waiting all this time for you to finally look at him. "It's not acceptable to always prioritize my surgeries, but I always seem to do so. I can't always be with you. I know I have many flaws, but love, I—"
You pulled his coat around you more, brought your legs to your side, and reached out for his hand as you always do when he begins to ramble. "Zayne..."
"That's the third time you've called my name. Have I messed up so bad that you can't call me love anymore?"
You took a deep breath, not realizing you dropped the endearment thrice now, but calling him that without feeling it doesn't seem right either. "It's not like that. I... would you listen to me first?"
He didn't say anything, but you took that as a yes as he waited expectantly. "I don't think I'm in the right headspace to think tonight. I might not mean what I say, and I know I can't take it back afterward, too..."
"Tell me."
"I don't—" You didn't want to hurt him when you couldn't even organize your thoughts.
"Shouldn't we be communicating, no matter how small?"
You cursed the relationship book you both read before. "Okay." You take a deep breath and look away but hold his hand in yours, tracing the scars mindlessly with your thumb. "I was thinking, maybe it's better if we break up..."
"Love—"
You looked up to meet his eyes, "Let me?"
You saw his face change subtly as his jaw tightened, "I know what..."
"What if we're just delaying the inevitable? We're trying our best to make time for each other, we make it up to each other." You pause, trying not to falter as you continue, mindfully holding his hands. "I know deep down that lives literally depend on these very hands and that you didn't choose these emergencies. I know that."
Your eyes started to sting, and you know the tears are coming despite not blinking to stop them. You bit your lower lip to stop the tremors in your chin. "...but sometimes, no matter how irrational it is, don't you also have my heart in your hand?"
"Love—"
You shook your head, holding his hands tighter in an attempt to halt him. "I'm not perfect either. I know I've canceled on you at the last minute, and sometimes I don't even get to let you know I'm out fighting." You tried to ease the tightness in your throat before continuing, your voice fainter, half-hoping the softer your voice is, the less the blow will be. "What if one of us gets tired of this, but we're already far gone and have wasted so much time, but in the end, it wouldn't work?"
You paused as thoughts ran through your mind.
"May I?" he asked softly, and you nod, not looking at him. "I could promise you this. I will never be tired of you." You had wished for this, and you looked up to see his eyes, searching for a trace of deceit—not that Zayne was one to lie. Then you felt him pull one of his hands from yours only to hold your face in his palm. "Being with you is the best thing that happened to me. Should you wish to not be with me, it doesn't change the fact that every moment with you is not a waste."
"I'm sorry," you finally let out the tears. You felt him move both of his hands to wipe them away from your face. You held his hands, and he finally pulled you against his chest.
Zayne pats your back, and you felt him sweetly kiss the top of your head. "You've got nothing to apologize for. I'm sorry you felt all those things, and I didn't know."
"How would you know if I didn't tell you?" you sassed.
He sighed and hugged you tighter. "Then maybe you can tell me."
"The thought crossed my mind that if I tell you all these, it’d hurt you. What if I’m just too dependent on you, wanting too much…"
Zayne sighed and paused his movements, just holding you. "More like you don’t depend on me enough. I’d rather hear those thoughts out. Because I won’t know. I don’t like the thought of you hurting and not letting me know."
"Am I talking to my boyfriend or my doctor now?"
You felt the huff as he held you tight and playfully swatted him. "I’ll always be both."
"Workaholic."
"Pot calling kettle black."
You sighed in his arms and just held him. Another thought crossed your mind. "Were you mad I thought about breaking up with you without letting you know?"
You felt the vibration in his chest as he hummed, as if just thinking about it. "I was afraid."
The softness of his voice admitting that felt the same as you felt earlier. "Of what?"
"My nightmares coming true. That you've finally had enough of me."
"Love—"
He pulled away just enough to look at you. "There, I thought I'd never hear you call me love again."
You opened your mouth to reassure him, but he shook his head as if he had more to say. "I thought this would be the last time I could hold you like this, that I wouldn’t even know how to keep you because you’re afraid of telling me."
"Love, I’m sorry—"
"I love you, I need you. Please," he held your face, his fingers on the side of your face, cradling it. "Let me know how I can keep you. There’s little I won’t do."