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“Pearl… Pearl please. I know you don’t like me, I know… after… just please. At least look at him. He’s asleep in there, just look at him once.”
Greg’s tears fell freely, and his face was contorted with sadness. He was trying to be strong- but he hadn’t known… there was no way of knowing how it would feel. One second she had been there, beautiful and regal and soft, and the next there was nothing but a pink stone lying on a pillow. An hour later, there was a soft pink glow, and his son had taken shape. Each of the gems had left to grieve in their own way- Garnet had even split back into Ruby and Sapphire so they could comfort each other separately. Amethyst had disappeared, and Pearl was here.
He had stepped into the barn and there she was, curled into a ball, her arms wrapped tightly around her head. It was dark except for the stark white glow that she projected from her gem, illuminating a small circle around her. She shook, sobs wracking her body. He wanted to comfort her, to tell her that he understood. They had both loved her, more than anything in the universe. She was the one thing that tied them together, and so she was the one thing to keep them apart. She slowly turned to look up at him. She glared at him with the most intense hatred he had ever seen. He had known that she would be like this, after all, he was the reason she was gone. No, he couldn’t think like that… but it was true. He wrestled with his own guilt, but he knew that Pearl needed to see him. Maybe it would let her understand that this was what Rose wanted, that it was meant to be. When she spoke, it was like acid. He imagined that he could feel her words on his skin.
“Why?”
“Because he’s… because he’s our son. And Rose would have wanted you to see him.”
“Don’t you dare say her name. Don’t you dare. You do not understand the depth of what you have done- you have taken a being so magnificent, so unbelievably important, and you thought that you deserved her! You practically killed her! And in her place is a squealing, disgusting little human. Just like you.”
Greg stepped back. He had expected her to be angry, dismissive, depressed, but not cruel. He tried to keep in his tears and speak steadily. He knew she respected that. Maybe if he could just convince her to see him, she might be able to heal, or at least speak to him without that animosity.
“I loved her, Pearl. Just like you.”
“No. You couldn’t begin to love her. You did not understand her, how could you have? You fell in love with the idea of her. I knew her for thousands and thousands of years. We had been together for 5000 years by the time you were born. And she decided that it was worth it, to give up everything, for someone like you. You will wither and die, just like everything else on this planet, just like your son. You doomed her to a lifespan one millionth of what it could have been!”
“Don’t you think I’m grieving as much as you are? I didn’t know her like you did, you’re right. But we had our own memories, our own life and things that made us happy. I wanted to come here so I could talk to you, so I could… so I could say I’m sorry.”
He wanted to step towards her, to offer her some reassurance that he was on her side. Just because he was angry and sad didn’t mean he couldn’t try to make things right. She inched a little bit farther away from him, but her head tilted to the side. Her voice was still thick with sorrow and pain, but she sounded a little less harsh.
“What did you say?”
“I’m sorry, Pearl. I’m sorry I took her away from you. I’m sorry I made you feel like you were unimportant. I’m sorry that I have nothing more that I can do to prove it to you. I know that right now it’s impossible, but I hope that someday you can forgive me.”
He hoped that she could hear the sincerity in his voice, but if she did, she ignored it.
“If you were so sorry, why couldn’t you just leave us alone? You could have been friends, you could have kept your distance. But you didn’t. I’d- I’d forgive you if you could bring her back.”
“But don’t you understand? She’s a part of him. He’s got her gem, right there on his stomach where his belly button should be. He... has her eyes.”
She stiffened, curling back into herself. The glow of light around her slowly started to fade, until they were in complete darkness.
“I have to go back. He needs to eat.”
“Gems don’t need food.”
“He’s half human. You know that.”
“Don’t remind me.”
He walked away then, closing the barn door behind him. For a few minutes he stood looking out at the beach and the colossal stone statue that made up the temple. It was so different from everything he had ever known, a world he couldn’t ever comprehend. Pearl was right- Rose wasn’t human, wasn’t from earth, wasn’t someone he could get to know after a date and some dinner. She was a celestial being, an alien, but he could never, ever say that their love wasn’t real.
He sat down, trailing his fingers through the blades of grass. He had mowed the lawn a few days before, and Rose had looked at him with confusion. She asked him why he was killing the grass when he could have let it grow how it was meant to. He hadn’t known then that it was going to be one of their last days together, but he let her regrow the grass to whatever height she wanted. They had planned for a 9 month pregnancy, but with gems there was no way of being sure exactly how it would work. Sometimes he put his hand on her stomach and he could feel the baby kick, and she would laugh. She liked to say that he was excited to see the earth, just as she had been when she arrived thousands of years before.
If he tried, he could still hear the sound of her voice, muffled and- no, it couldn’t be. He listened harder- it was her voice! It couldn’t have been anyone else’s. He stood slowly, afraid that if he moved too fast the illusion would be gone and he’d be alone again. It sounded like- like it was coming from the barn. He got closer and closer, and suddenly realized that it couldn’t have been her. It was her voice, but it was repeating two words, over and over again.
“My Pearl…My Pearl…My Pearl…My Pearl…”
She was playing back one of her recorded memories, of the hundreds she had kept filed away. Every moment was catalogued, a comprehensive labor of love. Recording those memories that she might be able to watch them when Rose was gone was her one comfort. Making sure to be quiet, he peeked through the crack in the door.
She was standing, her back to him. Her entire body had changed- it looked like she had shapeshifted into a much younger version of herself. Instead of her normal outfit, she wore a white jumpsuit, and her hair was swept back and as pale as her skin. Projected from her gem was Rose herself, standing with her arms open, repeating that phrase without end. He watched as she acted out her memory, every step looking like it had been rehearsed. She knelt, drawing her spear and placing it at her feet. Suddenly, Rose’s projection bent down, brought Pearl to her feet. She placed her hand on Pearl’s cheek, with a tenderness he had seen so frequently. Her expression changed to a sad smile. The projection spoke.
“Pearl… I know you’re recording this for later. I just… I wanted you to have something for when I’m gone. Please don’t be angry with me. I chose this because I know you’re going to love Steven. I promise that even though you can’t see me how I was then, I’ll still be here. It will be sad, and I will miss you in this form. But Greg is a good man, and he does want to be your friend.”
Pearl’s voice was ragged, and she grasped at the projection as if it had form. She tried to wipe the tears from her face, but new ones replaced them. She practically shouted, as if begging her memory to change and become something kinder.
“I can’t, Rose! I thought I could do it, but I can’t! It’s only been a few hours and your silence is worse than anything I have ever experienced! I need you, we need you!”
“If you have any doubts just remember that I’m not really gone. You have Steven, and he will love you just as I do.”
“You did love me? I didn’t believe you when you told me, even when I recorded this, I never believed it. How did you know what I would say? If you loved me why did you do this? Why, Rose?”
“I have always loved you, Pearl, from the very beginning. My love for Greg did not lessen yours- it was just different. I never stopped loving you, and I never will. That’s how I know that Steven will feel the same. I know you can’t understand what being human means to me, but in the coming years you will. I did this so Steven could meet you, so he could meet all of you. Don’t let your grief for me separate you from Garnet and Amethyst. They need your kindness, your strength. I believe that you are strong enough to become the Pearl I always knew you could be.”
“Rose, I-“
“With you recording this it’s funny to say goodbye when I’ll still be here for a while, but I know you’ll need it later on.”
“No! Don’t go-"
“Goodbye, My Pearl. I love you, remember that.”
The image started to fade, curling away into tiny ribbons of light until she was gone. Pearl was left standing there, arms outstretched, eyes closed tight. She bit her lip, and crumpled back to the floor.
“Come back. Please.”
—————————————————
It was night when Pearl emerged from the barn. She could see Ruby and Sapphire together on one of the higher hands of the temple. Ice crystals crept down the arm, and by the warm light she could tell that Ruby had set up a small fire to bring some comfort to her frozen companion. The beach was empty, the cold waves leaving scattered shells upon the sand. She remembered the first time they had set foot here, nervous and war-torn. There was so much they did not understand, so many things they could never have expected. She wished she could go back to that morning and beg them to turn around, to go back and surrender. At least then Rose might have had a chance to live, to thrive.
She wandered for a few hours until she was sure that everyone had gone to bed, and then she headed towards the van. She heard snoring, and tried to forget the things she had said earlier today. She wasn’t just grieving- she felt hopeless. The only person who had ever cared about her, ever treated her like she was worth something, was gone. And in her place was an infant, who could do nothing but cry and defecate and was so undignified compared to his mother.
She opened the back door, and there he was, curled up in a baby carrier. He had black curly hair, just as thick as his mother’s, and he wore some kind of one-piece pajama set. He didn’t look like her at all. It seemed that Greg had only said that to make her feel better. In reality, he didn’t look like either of them. When gems were born, they appeared fully grown, not like this wrinkled little creature. He was fleshy and solid and had a smell that was so… human. And he was so tiny- Pearl had seen human babies before, but they weren’t important. This baby was the son of the most precious thing in existence. This baby was the first half human, half gem that had ever been.
She stared at him for a while, wondering if he was going to move. Most humans shifted in their sleep, as she had observed over time, but Steven Quartz Universe didn’t. A thought sprung to her mind, and carefully she placed her hand on his stomach. She felt it then; it was really true. This child had her gem, and there was no going back. She recoiled, and realized that as hard as she tried, she couldn’t bring herself to forgive this innocent child. He had no idea of his legacy, but his mere existence was like a crack on her gem. She looked back down, and suddenly she realized that the child was awake.
He was looking at her with curiosity, the open gaze of a newborn. His little body tensed as he stretched, and he reached upwards with tiny hands. His lip began to tremble, and she couldn’t bear to let what was once Rose cry alone like that. No, she would comfort him for the sake of his mother. She lifted up the baby and he immediately curled into her arms, at once perfectly comfortable. His breaths were deep, and she felt the coolness of his gem on her chest. She walked past the van, out towards the beach. She felt the sand shift beneath her feet, and stared out towards the dark horizon. Up above her were countless stars, miles and miles and miles away… her entire existence, shrunk down to a single planet. The baby did not protest to the change in location- she didn’t think they could talk that soon after birth. However, she knew that speech was vital to their development.
“Do you remember me?”
Her voice was quiet, pleading to any remnant of Rose’s consciousness. She didn’t expect a reply; she spoke more to comfort herself than for the benefit of Steven.
“It’s me, Rose. Do you want me to call you Steven now? It’s still your gem. Steven isn’t a gem name, it’s not what he is. He’s still Quartz. Are you in there, listening? It’s a nightmare here without you. I don’t know what to do, Rose.”
The little boy in her arms was nothing like the large, beautiful gem she had known. She could never imagine Rose any smaller than she was, much less the idea that she would ever carry her. Pearl was not strong in the physical sense. She was lithe and flexible, but she wasn’t the kind of gem that would be trusted to hold another like this.
“Greg tried to talk to me. He thinks I can just forgive him for this. For turning you into this helpless, messy human. You were meant for so much more than this. How did you know that this is what you wanted? I don’t understand. And the others… they don’t need me. I needed them more than anything else. Do you remember them, too? Garnet and Amethyst? Do you remember that night in the woods where Garnet found us? She was still a brand new fusion, she hadn’t even given herself name yet. And Amethyst, she’s almost as much of a child as you are now.”
She tried to find some semblance of Rose in his face, but he had fallen back asleep.
“Do you have dreams in this form? Someday you’ll be able to use your gem again. I don’t even know if you’d survive retreating inside in this form. If something happens to you… you might be gone forever. If I can’t do this for Steven… I can do this for you, Rose. I know it’s what you wanted, I know you were hoping I could be happy for you. I’m so sorry, Rose… I’m sorry I couldn’t be happy for you. I just want you to come home. Who will use your room now? You brought me inside once, and it was like clouds."
She was so tired, even though she never needed to sleep, but she wanted the silence of unconsciousness. Every waking second she was constantly reminded of what she had lost, and the memories she held on to so desperately began to eat away at her. She needed a break from the despair that flooded her, and even though she found sleep difficult she lay down, placed the baby on her stomach, and closed her eyes. She didn’t notice that Greg had followed her out to the beach, watching her talk to his son. He at least had hope, that maybe someday it would be alright. Her last thought before the darkness set in was that for the first time, she had finally gotten to keep Rose company while she slept.
—————————————————
Though to the gems it was only the blink of an eye, to Greg the days gave way to months and, eventually, years. The crystal gems had come together even stronger for their loss, and taken care of Steven to the best of their ability. Amethyst loved to play with him, and he was big enough now to toddle around after her, giggling as she shapeshifted into different animals. Garnet and Greg spent their time keeping him safe and teaching him discipline- he was just starting to talk, but at this point it was mostly gibberish with a smattering of easier words. Pearl alone had kept her distance. The other gems had respected this, and Greg had made more attempts to make peace. She hadn’t fully forgiven him, but they had graduated to a level of decency. They had both come to accept that their pain was similar, and they tentatively began to build something akin to friendship.
“Yo P! Check this out-“ She held up Steven, who was just shy of his second birthday. “Steven, make the face!”
He stuck his tongue out, and made a sound that Pearl could only interpret as “maaaah”. Amethyst seemed very proud, tossing him up in the air and catching him just before he hit the ground.
“Amethyst, be careful. If you’re going to do that, do it by the couch!”
“Sure thing Greg! Let’s go little man!”
Steven giggled, screeching with unabashed joy. Greg was trying not to look strung out, but the truth was that he was having a difficult time being a single parent. The car wash was doing well, but living in a van just wasn’t the right environment for a baby. He helped the gems build the beach house in front of the temple, and during the day he brought Steven there so he could work. Together the gems and Greg had made the perfect system to keep Steven safe and happy.
Greg wasn’t sure at first how the gems would be able to care for Steven, since they had no experience with human babies. After a few mishaps, he got together with them and had what Amethyst called “Baby Lessons”. He taught them how to change diapers, make food from the little recipe book he had given to Pearl, and be gentle. They read to him, and Garnet sat him on top of her head. He liked to dangle his hands down over her face, leaving tiny fingerprints on her visor. In their own way they became Steven’s little trio of mothers- and Greg was grateful for it. He was still struggling with the loss of Rose and the sudden responsibility that fatherhood had thrust upon him, but they were all in the same boat.
“Where’s the baby?”
Amethyst was playing Peekaboo, one of Steven’s favorite games. Pearl marveled at how short his attention span was, even if he was still figuring out object permanence. Steven gazed at her, wide eyed, wondering where exactly the baby was. When Amethyst uncovered her eyes, he jumped with surprise.
“There’s the baby! There’s Steven!”
Sometimes when he laughed, Pearl could almost hear Rose’s voice. He was so innocent, so unaware of his own power, his responsibility to this planet.
“Pearl, take Steven for a second, I gotta ask Garnet where the diapers are. We need to change him. He’s starting to stink.”
Steven was thrust into her hands. Amethyst was right- he did stink. Pearl wrinkled her nose, trying to ignore the smell. She held him at arms length, unwilling to bring him any closer where his soiled diaper could touch her. Instead, she reluctantly marched him over to the makeshift changing table that Greg had built from some orange crates and an old table top. She quickly removed his diaper, cleaned him up, and rolled her eyes as she noticed the clean diapers sitting in plain view on top of the counter. Amethyst wasn’t tall enough to see them, so it was understandable, but still.
Once Steven was comfortably clean, she propped him up so she could wash her hands. He followed her with his bright brown eyes.
“What are you looking at?”
She realized that her tone might have been a little rough, considering his age. Babies liked to stare.
“Mpow.”
He had been babbling quite a bit recently, picking up on the phrases he overheard from his father and the gems as they went about their business. She was wondering when he would be old enough to properly communicate, and it seemed that the time was coming soon now.
“What was that, Steven?”
She wasn’t really listening, just absentmindedly cleaning up around the kitchen, anything to keep her hands busy. Steven was still sitting there, swinging his little feet. He cocked his head to the side.
“Mpow.”
“That’s nice, Steven.”
“Ma!”
“I’m not your mother, I’m Pearl. Can you say Pearl?”
“Ma.”
“No, Pearl. Pearl. You can say it, I know you can.”
“Ma. Ma Pow. Ma Pow!”
He was now repeating it, smacking his chubby hands on the countertop. She walked over to him, and it was odd to see him at eye level.
“Ma Pow!”
“Say Pearl.”
“Powl.”
“Good job, you’re getting there. What other words have you learned?”
“Ammy. Ammyfib.”
“Yes, that’s Amethyst. Who else?”
“Gabet.”
“Garnet! Good, you’re learning lots of new words. Keep practicing, soon you’ll be able to speak english fluently. When your father gets home I’ll be sure to tell him about your progress."
She was just about to turn and go back to the sink when his hand wrapped itself around her finger. He had a surprisingly strong grip for such a little boy, but Pearl assumed that was his gem strength beginning to show. Hopefully the rest of his powers would wait until he was old enough to control them.
“Mah. Mahee. My. My!”
“I told you, Steven, I’m not your-“
“My Powl!”
She stopped short. She was afraid, deathly afraid that what she had just heard was the nonsense babblings of a toddler and not the words she had kept close to her heart for so long.
“Steven, what- what did you say?”
“My Powl! My Powl! Powl!”
The room began to spin. She looked this little boy in the eyes, and for a split second she saw what Greg had told her about almost two years ago. He saw a glimmer of that face that had been her everything. He was bouncing up and down, laughing as if she had told him a joke. Swiftly she gathered him into her arms. He nestled close to her neck, wrapping his arms around her shoulders. His hair tickled her chin. He was warm, just like she had been the last time they had embraced, just two days before she left them. She whispered to him, hoping against hope that she was correct.
“Do you… do you remember me? Is that you, saying those words?”
“My Powl.”
“I know. I’m your Pearl. But you have to tell me Steven, do you remember? Do you remember anything at all?”
He looked up at her, stuffing his fingers into his mouth. He thought for a moment, as if great complicated thoughts were tumbling through his head.
“Lubb you Powl.”
Pearl felt the familiar sting of tears, and she buried her face in his hair. She hoped he wasn’t afraid of seeing her like this, so tortured by the past and afraid of what the future held. She rocked him back and forth, grasping him so tight he began to wriggle a little, making questioning sounds. She had been so sure that she could never be kind to him, keeping separate and only doing what had to be done to keep him alive, but Steven loved her despite her quiet discontent, despite her bitterness. Some of his first words, the most important things a child could say, were that he loved his Pearl.
“Powl? Powl? No cwy, Powl.”
“But I’m sad, Steven. Crying is good when you’re sad.”
He put his little hands on her cheeks, and for a brief second she felt her hands as they had been once, their familiar gentle touch that she had craved. Her tears spilled over his fingers and dripped onto the floor.
“Why sad?”
“I’ll tell you someday when you’re old enough to understand. You see, your mother was my best friend, more than a friend, and I loved her very much. To tell the truth, she was the person I loved most in the world. And now she’s you.”
“Mama?”
“Yes, Steven. She was beautiful, with long curly hair and soft hands just like yours. She fought in a terrible war just to keep your home safe and sound, because she loved it as much as I loved her. She was from far away, up in the stars, and she gave up everything for you. And someday you’ll grow up to be big and strong and wonderful, just like her.”
“Lubb Powl. No cwy.”
“I promise, Steven, that I will try not to cry about this anymore. Okay? And together we’ll learn our words and play games, and it will be all better. All better.”
“Aw bedder!”
Soon he was laughing again, the look of childish concern gone from his face once he knew his Pearl would be just fine. Steven wasn’t Rose, she understood that now. But Steven was…well, Steven. And Rose was right- he did love her. And maybe, Pearl thought, she could start to love him too. She gave him a little bounce, and spun him around until she felt dizzy and for the first time in years she was able to really laugh.
“Whoa. Everything okay, P?”
Amethyst was standing in the doorway, looking more than a little surprised. This might have been the first time she had seen Pearl really reaching out to Steven, much less spinning and giggling with him in her arms.
“Amethyst-“
“It’s cool, Pearl. I knew you’d warm up to him eventually.”
“It’s not that- I just-“
“I get it, don’t freak out. Steven is hard to get used to, and we all miss her. You especially. He’s not her, but there are little things he does that show that she’s still in there, at least a little. Right buddy? Steven’s our little man!”
He gave her two thumbs up, and a big grin with the few teeth he’d grown so far.
“Ammy! Powl no sad!”
“That’s right! Pearl’s back to our happy, uptight, bird nosed perfectionist that we’ve missed so much! Isn't that right, bird mom?”
“Amethyst. That’s not a very good example for Steven.”
Amethyst stuck her tongue out, and Steven followed.
“Maah.”
“You do it, Pearl! He loves that face. I don’t think he’s ever seen anyone but Garnet and Greg and I do it!”
“I don’t know… what if it scares him?”
“It won’t, just stick out your tongue and make your eyes go all crazy. He’ll think it’s hilarious.”
Pearl slowly stuck her tongue out. It was a strange sensation- she didn’t do it often, much less at the command of a small child. Steven looked interested, as if he knew that Pearl hadn’t made ‘the face’ before. She made her eyes go as wide as she could get them, and Amethyst laughed so hard she snorted. She must have looked truly ridiculous, face still blushed from crying and her tongue hanging out like a dog with Steven in her arms.
“Um, maah?”
Steven clapped, screaming his joy at the top of his lungs. Pearl wanted to cover her ears, but Amethyst barely reacted. Instead, she looked at Pearl with a genuine smile.
“Wanna take Steven down to the beach? We could make sand castles!”
Pearl remembered that first night, when the pain was so fresh and present in her mind. She had built those memories over the past few years on resentment, and anger, and hate for what Rose’s son had meant for the crystal gems, and it was high time that those memories were replaced with happier ones.
“I’d love to. Let’s get your swimsuit, Steven.”
Pearl put him down, and he waddled away on unsteady feet. Pearl had never had to care for anyone before- she was just a mass-produced plaything that broke away from her given role. And now she was one-fourth of a family, and in a way, one of Steven’s acting mothers. He bent over, distracted by something on the floor, and plopped down onto his stomach. Pearl heard the clink of his gem hitting the ground, and for an instant a thousand scenarios flooded her mind- what if he chipped it, what if he cracked it, can he reform, does he have her healing abilities? But he was oddly resilient, and scooted around the floor on his stomach, fascinated with the little ants that snuck in from outside. She recognized the wonder in his eyes- that excitement for the most insignificant creatures. He was truly his mother’s son.