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Dating Gyuvin was easy.
He was easy. Easy to talk to — Good morning, everybody! He'd explode at the top of his lungs as he walked into class. Easy to approach, easy to get close to, easy to make into a friend. But, as easy as things were with him, getting him to accept a confession seemed to be just an unattainable dream to most. Still, knowing there was a line of girls and a slightly shorter one of boys all awaiting to ask him out, one could not let the chance of having the one thing about him that wasn't as easy slip through their fingers.
So when Miss Lee, pretty, tall, model-like Miss Lee, decided to confess for the first time, she was ready for the rejection while also awfully confident it wasn't going to come. It came. But it didn't feel bad, since he didn't take anybody else's offer either, focused on his future, on his dreams.
The second time, when he seemed to have a stable situation going on, to be close enough to turn into reality what had been just wishful thinking, she knew he wouldn't be able to say no.
“I can't date you, I need to focus and look towards my future.” was his first rejection.
“How about now? Can I fit within your field of vision?” was her second attempt. And she was right in her expectation. Gyuvin thought it all to be so funny, her to be so witty, that he couldn't deny: yes, now she could fit perfectly. So he gave them a shot.
Dating Gyuvin was simple.
They had study sessions that ended up at Subway, they went to the movies in the afternoon after shopping, they'd eat street food by the Han river and have ice cream while walking Eumppappa. Simple dates she would read about in any clichéd novel online.
She freaked out about forgetting her toothbrush and paste once, wondering how she was going to kiss him after eating, but he solved all her worries by taking a big bite of her lunch and kissing her right after. Disgusting, she joked, before kissing him again.
He lived with his roommates ever since entering university, so he'd take her to a cheap but nice motel and he'd love her like those sex scenes from late night dramas: nothing outlandish, but good, flawless, leaving both of them happy and satisfied. At moments he'd stare at her and call her beautiful, and the butterflies that came with his sincerity could make her climax all by themselves.
He undressed her of every single insecurity and she knew Gyuvin truly meant it when he said he liked her. An one-sided confession, which she always thought he accepted just because, shouldn't bear fruit, but there they were. Miss Lee, the one Gyuvin liked. His girlfriend, whom he showed off to all his friends, coworkers and his almost three thousand followers on instagram.
They held hands a lot. He really enjoyed that, always staying in contact, as if to prove something. He had always been a very touchy friend, and Miss Lee knew this part of him wasn't going to change but she didn't feel threatened by none of it. He acted the same as he did in high-school, he treated all his friends equally.
He'd still kiss the cheeks of Yujin, the younger kid who always followed him around; he'd share utensils with Ricky and joke about indirect kisses without thinking twice; he'd try and fit himself under Hao's chin, wrapping as much of himself around the older man as he could.
It was the same for his new friends, the ones they both met at college, he couldn't keep his hands away from Jiwoong whenever complimenting him; him and Taerae played a cat and mouse game and threw meaningless flirtations towards one another; Hanbin was like the brother he never had and they often would be glued to each other ever so fondly. She never minded.
It wasn't because they were all boys. There were rumors about Gyuvin's sexuality and, although he vaguely dismissed them, she knew him well enough to see her boyfriend did appreciate a pretty boy in the same way she did, but it still didn't bother her at all.
That's because she knew all the looks and touches meant nothing, her boyfriend was faithful and completely disgusted by the mere idea of cheating, having broken friendships because of it. More than that, he treated all of them the same, even her. Outside of sex, he'd touch her in the same way he touched his friends and she could feel, in those moments, how innocent it all was.
But she was the only one he kissed in the mouth.
So she was the only one special.
That was until she finally went to his apartment.
Dating Gyuvin was pleasant.
Not just for the two of them but to the people around them. Gyuvin did act in a way that was easily misunderstood and many people thought he only did whatever he wanted. It was true that he did a lot of things on whims, last minute decisions weren't uncommon, but he wasn't mindless or disrespectful, especially not to others. He wasn't good at taking care, but he was really good at taking precautions.
Hence the fact he never took his girlfriend to his apartment, not until he felt close enough to his roommates to intrude in their lives, not until he was sure she would be staying in their lives for a longer while than a one off.
Miss Lee liked that, how careful he was in intersecting their worlds. It was sweet. Gyuvin was sweet.
She went to the apartment on a Saturday afternoon, a pack of beer in her hand and a nervous smile on her face. As the door opened she heard her boyfriend telling one of the boys to behave and another one laughing, claiming Gyuvin was the one who should behave.
She walked in and saw the neatly organized, but clearly freshly cleaned, living room. By the door, peeking at her, was an excited boy with tan skin and a humorous smirk. He was dressed sporty and still had wet hair, dripping over Gyuvin who pushed him back saying “Get off of me, Junhyeon! Go dry your hair or at least sit on the couch!” The guy, however, only pushed forward, greeting her and telling Gyuvin off, answering something like “You sit on the couch” like a child. That made her laugh and look at the said couch, expecting it to be messy or something similar.
That's when she saw it. Him. Capital H Him .
Not God, no, he was too human to be anything close to divine. All meat and flesh, in his short gray shorts riling up his thighs, his dark hoodie falling off his shoulders and a tight black tank top, he laid on the sofa as if he were on display. That's the only way to describe him because that's exactly how Gyuvin stared at him.
And stare he did. He wasn't just looking or glancing. The flushed pink cheeks versus the chiseled jawline, the clear and striking tan line on his arms, the large eyes behind the thick rimmed glasses, the bouncy jet black hair too short for his insistent habit of tucking it behind his ears, the large hands covering plump, red lips every time he let out that hearty laughter or the bubbly giggles. She knew it all because every now and then she'd catch her boyfriend's eyes somewhere else and following them, at the end of his line of sight, she'd find Him. And it happened so many times, the boy's image drew itself on her mind. She could see him with her eyes closed.
It was fine. It was still fine. Sometimes she too became mesmerized with someone and would stare at them for a while until the enchantment wore off. And who cared if they had been living together for eight months already without it wearing off, she knew it would. It had to.
Dating Gyuvin was fun.
Or at least it was supposed to be.
Only now Miss Lee couldn't help but watch her boyfriend, she no longer listened to him, but listened for something, like he'd slip at some point and let something out. It never happened but it also felt like it constantly did.
Because when they bought a latte, she learnt about how Gunwook couldn't tell the clerk he wanted a chocolate drink and just accepted her suggestion for a strawberry one. And when they went to the market, she learnt Gunwook hated tomatoes. And when Gyuvin won her a plushie, she learnt Gunwook slept with three, “well, now it's four, cause he took one from mine” .
If the TV in the diner was announcing a politician's debate, then she'd be reminded that Gunwook won a national debate competition. If they saw a dance crew busking in Hongdae, then they'd talk about how Gunwook was part of a dance club during high-school. If the national soccer team was having a match, then the fact that Gunwook won a regional soccer competition would make its way into their conversation.
By the third week of boyfriend-watching she started to consider calling chocolate flavor "Gunwook flavor" because every single time they even saw the sweet, the name would come out of Gyuvin's mouth, as if it were equally tasty.
When it completed a month, she had to watch Gyuvin claim that his ideal type would be one of his friends, right in front of her, during a get-together with their classmates. The others riled him up, that answer was much more fun than any lovesick confession he could've given about Miss Lee.
It made sense, they reasoned, Gyuvin calls his girlfriend cute, says he likes the taste of her kisses, but he says Gunwook is sexy and beautiful and cool, and his lips oh, his lips, he could eat them. Whatever that was supposed to mean, it flew over their friends' drunken minds who would never even consider anything deeper than at most an equally drunken jest, not when she was right there. But Gyuvin was straight edge and as sober as one could be.
And when he said he could marry Gunwook, when he joked they'd be the parents of their youngest friend to pester the kid, when he said their accidentally matching outfits made them look like a couple on honeymoon, when he threw those comments, as if he couldn't wait to spend his life by that boy's side, they all laughed. Of course, why wouldn't they? He had a partner already! If he said those things regarding her it'd be taken seriously, but about big manly Gunwook? It could be easily dismissed as a joke, and only perceived as so.
Even if, right after, he'd hang his head low and silently laugh in that way he did whenever he felt that specific kind of embarrassment about being too happy. Not an ounce of confidence left whenever he pulled himself away, but no annoyance that'd make him push the other, never! Just a boy tripping over himself.
In his defense, he did talk about his other friends just as much, to be honest, he probably talked about her and his high-school friends more than he talked about Gunwook. But there was a different weight, like he wouldn't allow himself to joke in that manner too often, in fear of people stopping taking it as a joke, seeing the truth underneath it. And now she had a face to that name, and a point of view that felt painfully different from the others.
Dating Gyuvin was physical.
Being his friend was too.
Whatever he had going on with Gunwook was neither.
He'd reach his hands in excitement, then hold them, and then, while looking at the other man, something would snap in his brain and he'd pull away. That dance would repeat on end. Never pushing away, but pulling himself away. The large smile at the smallest touch, sometimes at merely meeting eyes. Gyuvin smiled when his eyes met hers too but it wasn't that explosion of fondness, he didn't look away, then down, then back again, as if hoping her eyes would still be on him.
Not often the grand display of affection he gave everyone would be given to Gunwook, and instead of easing her mind it just made it worse. It reminded Miss Lee of herself, of the 13 years old version of her who would play around with all the boys, let them carry her and play with her hair, lay their heads on her lap and she'd even kiss some of their cheeks. It didn't matter because they saw her as one of them and she saw them as boys, disgusting, sweaty and friendly boys.
From all of the guys at her school, she kept only one at arms length, with lesser affection, but never able to push him away. Anything and everything about him made her smile and become embarrassed, but sometimes she let herself treat him like she treated the others, she'd allow herself to have that little moment of bliss and pretend nothing was wrong, always in a way he wouldn't be able to see her face. Like the time she found Gyuvin sleeping with Gyuvin, legs intertwined, and she just knew who passed out first.
Because they get the couples combo at the movies and sit in the lovers seat at the midnight screening. They find new restaurants to try out together and drag each other to share the smallest piece of happiness they find. They play like kids and sleep on each other's arms like they are barely eight at a never ending sleepover, feet pushing feet in silence under the table, hand holding hand under their covers, not hiding, just private. No space for her to fit herself in.
The 13 years old version of herself confessed to that boy by the end of the school year and had her first heartbreak. Her boyfriend didn't seem like he'd commit the same mistake.
Dating Gyuvin was safe.
That was the best word Miss Lee could muster. Despite all the things she could see, she decided to box them away, sealed in fake ignorance. Gyuvin would never confess, at the very least not while dating her, he made her feel safe about where she stood in his life, she knew she could trust each of his "I like you".
And yet when a nasty rumor spread about her boyfriend all around the campus, arousing looks and comments equally mean spirited not only towards him but towards his friends and herself, it wasn't by her side that he braved through the crowd, it wasn't her hold he reached for. It's Gunwook's hand that Gyuvin takes when walking through the crowd to ground himself. Not even a year of friendship, less than half of the time Miss Lee knew him, and somehow she still lost to him.
Gyuvin was still as easy to talk with as ever, they still had simple dates, and he'd still kiss only her on the mouth. He was still as pleasing and as pleasant in bed and going out with his friends was still fun and he still displayed his affection very physically, for everyone to see how treasured she was. And that should reassure Miss Lee, but it gets hard when she has to feel his feelings together with him. It didn't matter how much she lied to herself, how much she used the word "admiration" or tried to view Gunwook as not-a-threat, she repeatedly found herself making faces at him and skewing away from him. And it wasn't fair to neither of them.
At the end of the semester, Gyuvin doesn't ask to change his train cabin to sit with her through the three hour trip. He sits alone with Gunwook without ever considering a different arrangement. They wander off during their outing to the countryside all by themselves. There are a few pictures, and they don't explain why it took the boys so long to get back; what they do, though, is look exactly like a romantic movie poster and she is overwhelmed by something more devastating than jealousy.
They trust each other blindly, in ways she could never.
It's at Gunwook where Gyuvin is always smiling.
Dating Gyuvin was sincere.
But she couldn't allow herself to bring the matter with her boyfriend, too scared of losing him if he were to realize. When Gyuvin said they were going to a bar with their friends — his friends — and she thought of that boy being there, Miss Lee didn't even need to make up an excuse to not go, feeling genuinely nauseated at the anxiety-triggering thought of watching her boyfriend blindlessly pinning after his roommate.
So who could blame her for feeling a wave of relief once she heard his words? “Gunwook said he wants to introduce us to someone.”
Gyuvin spent the whole time from her apartment to the bar guessing things about Gunwook's someone. Maybe a boring nerdy girl from the classic literature department, too shy to be social so Gunwook had to introduce everyone at once. Or maybe she was some older woman hunting for young boys, they were going to a bar when most of them barely drank so she clearly was a bad influence. Each guess was less rational than the previous one but Miss Lee didn't care, she would let her boyfriend's little boy-crush die without ever acknowledging it and everything would go back to normal. Everybody wins!
Except Gunwook's someone wasn't an antisocial nerdy girl nor a grooming mature older lady. Wrapped in the boy's arms was a shorter guy, with fluffy blonde hair and a smile to rival the sun. His arms were way thicker than those of any of their friends and Gunwook's fingers danced over each line of muscle as if he had drawn them himself. And their eyes, the embarrassment of a new love but all of its overwhelming fascination too. It was objectively adorable.
And then she looked at her boyfriend.
She wasn't sure what exactly she expected to see, but it definitely wasn't that. A heartbreak was something hard to hide, but it could easily be overshadowed by love.
The worst of all? It wasn't his face that gave it away. He had that stupid smile of his, waving wide with his left hand and almost screaming “Oi, Gonuku!” like he always did. It was his right hand, the one holding hers.
Stifling at the sight of Gunwook and the other boy — who she later learnt was called Matthew — hugging. Relaxing as he forgot all the pain of lost love once he started his routine of staring at his friend as if he was God's masterpiece, inhaling sharply. And then tightening around her hand once the other finally looked away from his partner and to Gyuvin. She could feel his heart beating on his hand before her own started growing numb from the grasp.
He wasn't holding her hand. He was holding himself. She was merely a support.
Miss Lee knew he never thought of her as such, she knew he liked her. But at that moment, she wasn't even an afterthought. She remembered the first time he rejected her. “I can't date you, I need to focus and look to my future.” And the second time she asked him out. “How about now? Can I fit within your field of vision?” She followed his eyes one last time. She stood at his side but in his line of sight was the future he wanted.
Apologizing and announcing a sudden nausea, she left in a rush. He did follow and ask if she wanted him to leave as well, to accompany her. She answered no. She wasn't sure she could withstand watching him turn his head back every step until the next turn of that long avenue.
Miss Lee broke up with Gyuvin a week later.
♡♡♡
It was the end of the semester and after all the mistreatment from unreasonable professors and the effort she put to impress her favorite ones, Miss Lee believed she deserved a night out to waste the little energy she still had and her friends couldn't agree more. Especially now that she was finally game again, willing to try for a new love. Surrounded by girls, they would joke about every single hot guy who passed by and nudge each other, jokingly pushing one of them to approach and flirt with the cute target, getting louder with each shot of soju.
Miss Lee was still talking about how her friend should totally go for the bartender when the half of the group sitting towards the door went quiet. She turned her head from the counter and watched the door, eyes shaking, throat closing. All the drinks she downed and hadn't even begun feeling were suddenly too much.
Walking in, like the most beautiful loser in the world, was her ex-boyfriend. Somebody asked what that fucker was doing, but she didn't register, her thoughts too loud in her mind. Thankfully, she too was asking herself what that fucker was doing.
By his side stood an almost equally tall beautiful man, with blonde hair and makeup that made it seem like he came straight out of one of those Chinese dramas with dragons, gods and fairies. One of her friends asked how much he paid for his chin and Miss Lee couldn't tell if that was genuine or just mean. She had also wondered about it when they first met, years ago, which, instead of offense, was proof of how perfect he looked. It didn't matter if he was born like that or not, by his clothes and the large watch on his wrist he clearly could afford to buy a whole new body if he so wanted, she knew it as well as she knew him.
She had heard the rumors, how Gyuvin managed to get a foreign boyfriend, Shen Ricky. The word around campus about it was pure support and affection, telling tales of how brave Gyuvin was, how gorgeous his partner was, how happy everyone was for them. For her, not even two months after their break up, all that was left was the mockery. Traded for a man. It shouldn't be humiliating, but people talked as if it were, so it was.
And in less than a week, her being the one to break up with him became a kind lie created to protect her reputation. Everyone believed he had broken up with her because he met the guy of his dreams, even though all three of them met years prior. She had sat across the table from him and dismissed his partiality towards her boyfriend as “best friends”. Had he always wanted Gyuvin? Was that why he moved on so goddamn fast? Deep down she knew that, even if Ricky had feelings for Gyuvin before the break up, he would never have taken advantage of their friendship. And still, it did nothing to soothe her anger.
Her blood was boiling, and she genuinely thought about causing a scene, even though she was aware that Gyuvin had never looked at the blonde like that before. They broke up because she knew how Gyuvin looked when in love and neither her nor his new boyfriend had ever been target of that gaze. It still felt like it was their fault she went through all that harassment at university and became the butt of a mean joke, because the two boys just had to flaunt their new relationship. But then the door opened again and the concept of guilt lost its meaning.
In walked Gunwook and Matthew, both flushed and hurried, asking if they were late. Gunwook's face was pink and Matthew had a sweet yet smug smile. She didn't watch them for long. Her eyes went back to her ex.
“He's really shameless, after everything he let you go through without saying a word! If you want to leave we–” one of her friends said, but Miss Lee shook her head, sighing and then laughing, as if she had finally been released.
“It's fine, I'm over it. Besides, if anyone asked him if we broke up because he fell for a boy…”
It didn't feel clean, it didn't feel right, but it sure as hell felt good to watch Gyuvin turn and fail to school his face into something that didn't scream love. As he screamed that stupid nickname he made for his friend, she looked down at his hand, knuckles turning white around his lover's. It gave her some sense of comfort, to know that the guy who so quickly stood in her place was, just like her, unknowingly squeezing himself into shoes made for someone else.
“I don't think he would even know what to say.” A sense of both vengeance and kinship bloomed in her chest. She raised her cup of beer, eyes watching for the last time how the Chinese man looked with a confused smile at his hand being held, completely oblivious at how it supported the weight of an unacknowledged love. “Let's have a toast: to letting go of what's not meant to be. The next round is on me.”
Dating Gyuvin was a doomed affair.