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“You can finally shift dorms! We just talked to upper management, you know because of the sasaeng problem. Duo this time, you guys decide the order,” their manager hyung's eyes twinkle like he's delivering a news so absurdly joyful that he can't fathom anyone having a different reaction.
Maybe Seungmin is just rotted because it strikes him inside out, unable to participate in the hooting and catcalling around him. Maybe it is a him issue because even Changbin–the most sentimental person out of them, ridiculous in the name of change–seems to be smiling that infectious smile that digs into his face, a clear stamp of approval.
The news hits Seungmin like a trainwreck in the middle of a storm. He feels like he's been electrocuted by thunder in said storm. It's an out of body experience. His bones feel like ash. The image of it is hilarious, the animation Jisung and Seungmin like to watch coming to life.
They play rock-paper-scissors in the middle of their schedule–Seungmin absently complying, managing to pull a weak paper–to decide who ends up with who and completely ignore the results and choose their own roommates. Felix jumps on Seungmin's back, claiming him and rejoicing, but Seungmin barely feels it.
Change is inevitable. Seungmin doesn't really mind it, he likes evolving and transforming. Likes that he can now enter bars without a tired Chan having to tail him, likes making decisions for himself, likes the confidence it gives him.
He just has a hard time dealing with it when he recognizes it.
Like when Seungmin's vocal coach had praised the improvement in his voice, the sleek smoothness of his vibrato and Jeongin had agreed, nodding and thumping Seungmin on the back. Seungmin had come back to the dorm and hid in his room, watching clip after clip of where the change had occurred. He'd then spiralled; researching how to handle a maturing voice, watching paid tutorials by Hollywood vocal coaches in English, struggling with the difference in terminologies, and noting everything down.
He'd started a new warm-up routine and when they went back to their lesson that week, he'd spoken to his coach about it. Told him flatly, that he was worried about losing his voice to age. He'd sort-of dismissed Seungmin then but Seungmin noticed that he was being given different techniques than Minho and Jeongin. That's all he needed. (He still keeps an eye on the new publications that he gets in his mail.)
Or when he'd slipped while going down the stairs at home. His mother had found him limping and hissing in pain while holding his back and rushed to his side. She helped him get in bed and called their family doctor immediately, shushing Seungmin's protests. They could have very easily called the agency doctors who routinely checked Seungmin but his mother had a love-hate relationship with their agency. Seungmin couldn't help but relate.
The doctor had told him to take it easy and prescribed some medicines, awkwardly trying to make small talk with an upset Seungmin. The kids were all on a one month long break so Seungmin had enough time to heal on his own. He hadn't bothered telling anyone until his sister made a joke on the dining table as he was limping his way to sit next to her.
Mischievously, she'd said, “Well if puppy loses his idol career to this injury, at least his voice is a national treasure they can't ignore.”
She had looked at him with triumph, proud of her silly joke. Shots fired puppy prince, chik chik boom, she made an explosion gesture with her hands. The bullet hit where it wasn't supposed to and Seungmin jolted, entire body spasming and making his back worse. Hair-trigger response, tears instantly filled his eyes and Seungmin ducked, managing a weak staccato of ha-ha-ha so his family didn't get suspicious. He heard his mother scolding his sister but they were all laughing. It was a joke, Seungmin would have laughed if he hadn't felt like he'd been shot and then put through a paper shredder.
Because, Seungmin hadn't considered the possibility of that happening. Ever . Not to him. But now that there was a joke made about it, that's all he could think about. Day and night went by imagining what would happen. He obsessed over the same thoughts, day after day, rinse and repeat. Would JYP fire him? Or would Seungmin quit? Would the kids quit with him? Or would they all push for Seungmin to be a part of the team, uselessly watching them have fun from the sides, a glimpse he's had previously. A glimpse that makes him shudder to this day. And humiliatingly, what if Seungmin presumed his importance in their life? What if they wouldn't care? This was easier to avoid in his head though, the thought of his family not giving a fuck about him too much to bear.
Then suddenly, Minho had called, jovially updating him on Changbin's whereabouts–something about him still continuing his gym routine. “ Can you believe him Seungmin-ah, we're still on vacation! What a guy honestly ,” he'd sighed wistfully in Seungmin's ear and the normalcy of it shook Seungmin–and asking about Seungmin's Paris Fashion Week experience because he'd just accepted an invitation from Gucci and Seungmin had thought, is this what I'm willing to give up on?
The answer was a clear no. Only thing that made Seungmin himself was Stray Kids. To some, it's sad to internalize their jobs so much that it becomes an integral part of their identity. For Seungmin, it was a matter of pride. He wore it like a badge he refused to take off, no matter where he was. This was for him, something that was his alone, nobody else could have it but him and the people he chose.
He'd spoken to his sister first, telling her how her joke made him feel and finding comfort in her apology. She petted his hair and vowed to never make a joke like that at his expense. He then proceeded to call every single high-profile orthopedic clinic in Seoul, managing to find a physiotherapist his father's fellow-lawyer friend recommended. Normal people things. The therapist claimed to have worked with KBO League teams and that was enough to have Seungmin hooked. He didn't miss a single appointment, even to this day.
Or like, now .
He lies awake in his bed, the entire day wasted because of today's revelation. He feels flayed open, a decaying corpse would manage the news better than him. The sinking in his chest just won't stop, painfully submerging him deeper and deeper till he's gasping and clutching his sheets, suddenly all too aware of his body.
He's bathed in sweat, tears running down his face in rivulets, the only sound being the whirring of the fan and the occasional small sobs that escape his throat. Seungmin strains to listen if there's someone outside. He hopes there is, so they'd hear him and hold him till he feels okay. He hopes they're all asleep so he doesn't humiliate himself, breaking down about something so nonsensical.
Because it is nonsensical. They've moved dorms before, Seungmin had been sad but it hadn't devastated him like this. He'd missed the chatter and Changbin the most but talking to him on the phone bought him comfort and it had been enough. He never got to mourn it too much because he was happy to finally not inevitably touch something weird in his sleep.
Seungmin doesn't understand this reaction. He loves Felix, he wants to live with him, thinks it'll be so fun together. He can have his own room and a home studio, a place to practice guitar without irritating his members. Felix can have a gaming room that the both of them can use.
But he also loves Jeongin and begrudgingly, Minho. He wants to continue living like this. He wants to continue making coffee for Minho, basking in the quietude of their mornings. Wants to drape his body all over Jeongin’s back like he does every morning, giggling when Jeongin inevitably throws him off. Wants to spend his entire day with him, clinging on to the younger. Wants to come home to a lively home, wants to have dinner together no matter how tired they are. Wants to peel shrimp with Minho for Jeongin and Felix. Wants everything they've been doing for the past two years and more.
He doesn't know how his soft sobs turn into wails but he startles when somebody knocks on his door, rattling the handle. Terror fills Seungmin and he tries, tries speaking, tries reassuring but nothing comes out. He just cries and cries and cries, gagging a little when he doesn't succeed. It only gets worse and he can't breathe, everything is wet and sticky.
His bathroom opens with a start and he hears voices, somebody comes up to him and pulls on the comforter that's covering Seungmin but Seungmin clutches onto it, not wanting them to see him like this.
He hiccups, cries getting a tad bit louder and the person's frightened voice registering as Jeongin says, “Hyung, hyung, he's not letting me get it off.” He sounds so, so worried and Seungmin feels worse. Why is he so sensitive? Why did he have to cry so much that his roommates were alerted? Why is this happening to him? He doesn't know what to say, how to fix this.
One of them climbs into his bed and manhandles Seungmin into his lap, the scent of his perfume indicating it's Minho. The older shushes him like a child, hands gently brushing over his head through the comforter. He wriggles his hands and blindly searches for Seungmin's face, makes a small noise of triumph when he finds it and wipes at Seungmin's eyes with the towel from their shared bathroom. They'd kept extras in when calling each other became too frequent and burdensome. Seungmin's wailing stops but thick, hot tears still pour out of him at the loss of routine.
Distantly, he hears Minho instruct the others to get some water and to open the door. He sways them side to side, still petting Seungmin's head and shushing him. “ Aigoo, puppy has too many emotions today, huh? ” He asks but doesn't expect Seungmin to answer. He doesn't ask what happened or why Seungmin is crying or if someone was mean to, just somehow knows what this is about. So used to being around Seungmin.
After a while, Seungmin peeks out of his safety blanket, to assess the damage. He spots Felix's head resting on Jeongin's at the foot of his bed, they're both facing Seungmin, legs criss-crossed and their eyes closed. He peers up, doe-eyed, at Minho, who's looking at him with so much unusually open fondness that he wants to hide back again inside to escape the intensity of it.
Seungmin wants to open his mouth to apologize but nothing comes out, his voice breaks at a croak which wakes the other kids up. The worst is over but Seungmin is so embarrassed by his breakdown and he can't fucking speak and the panic rises again but Minho is next to him and Felix is climbing over his lap and Jeongin is interlacing their fingers together, sitting on his other side and he's so loved that it bowls him over, tears streaming down his face once again. He's gonna miss them so fucking much.
He doesn't realize he's said it out loud until Jeongin responds, voice thick with emotion, “We're gonna miss you too, hyung.”
Voice soft like when he speaks to his cats or the members when they're down, Minho continues, nodding next to him. His chin digs into Seungmin's shoulders when he does, he's clinging onto Seungmin's arms too. “Exactly, also Lix is gonna be there with you. And you and Jeongin will be together all the time except for when you sleep. You and I can still go on our Monday coffee dates.” And because he's perceptive enough to make Seungmin feel naked, he adds, “Nothing has to change except our sleeping place, puppy.”
Seungmin sniffles and nods, reaching up to wipe his tears but Felix lightly smacks his hands away and replaces them with his own. He's sitting on Seungmin's thighs and he places a soft kiss on Seungmin's forehead and vows dramatically, “I'll take care of you, Seungmin-ie. You won't even miss this stinky hyung and Jeongin-ie can stay with us always. You'll always be our house puppy, bokseungah forever!”
“Hey!” Minho pushes Felix but the younger boy just clings to Seungmin tighter. “I will not be erased from the bokseungahri dorm history!”
“You won't, hyung.” Seungmin rasps out just in case Minho is serious, just in case he feels like Seungmin doesn't value him just as much as Jeongin.
Minho softens and brushes his sticky, sweaty hair back, “I know pup, I was just joking with Felix, yeah?”
Felix nods and moves to wrap his hands around Seungmin's waist, face coming to rest on Seungmin's free shoulder as he hugs him tight because that's all Seungmin can handle right now. “M' never leavn' you alone,” he says with his mouth full of Seungmin's nasty shirt. He's just cried and wiped his snot on it.
Seungmin grimaces and jolts when that makes Minho clap loudly. Minho presses a kiss into his shoulder in apology and demands, “Okay, let's all clean up! Seungmo you go wash your face and change, and both you demons come help me change the sheets. We're all sleeping in Min-ie's room today so we gotta pull the mattresses here.”
Both Jeongin and Felix groan at the command and reluctantly get up to do as Minho says. Hesitantly, Seungmin speaks up, “ Uhm –one of you can sleep with me.” Hurriedly, adds, interrupting their whooping, “ Only! Only if you don't touch me weirdly.”
As Seungmin gets out of bed, Jeongin and Felix laugh loudly at Minho's resulting pout and rock-paper-scissor on who gets to sleep with Seungmin. Minho throws a shirt on his lap and Seungmin blows him an air kiss for it, giggling when Minho's ears turn ruby red instantly. He's halfway into the bathroom so he doesn't get to see who won but Felix's exaggerated whining is enough. Seungmin didn't have a choice in mind but he's thankful it was Jeongin. He wishes it could be all of them but his bed is much too small to fit four grown men in their 20s, also Seungmin would hate it even if they tried to fit.
He freshens up and comes back to their inflatable mattress taking up space on the side of his bed, Jeongin nowhere to be seen. Minho and Felix are already lying down, legs entangled as they smile at Seungmin.
“You good, puppy?” Minho asks and smiles wider at Seungmin's agreement.
Jeongin comes back in, this time with his ridiculously big pillow and blanket and gets in Seungmin's bed, somehow knowing that Seungmin would like the open side towards the mattress. Seungmin switches the light off, leaving only the night lamp for Felix and gets in too.
He leaves his left hand hanging, letting Jeongin spoon him tightly. Jeongin's legs stay away from Seungmin's and Seungmin is grateful for all the cuddle sessions he's initiated for them to learn each other like this, so intimately. He murmurs, "We'll be okay hyung," into his back and Minho's fingers intertwine with his and Seungmin burns in embarrassment but it's good. It's so good having his members, his people with him.
He sighs and closes his eyes, the day's exhaustion catching up to him. Change is inevitable and Seungmin might be bad at it but he has Stray Kids with him. Nothing has ever been too scary when they're all together.