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It's beautiful. It's something so inherently unfeasible but here he stands in a world so foreign yet so achingly familiar. It's something horrific. Terrifying. Beautiful.
It is his refuge. His life. His salvation.
Escape from what plagues his mind at night.
It is an amalgamation of bonds that could have never been forged and broken beer bottles and bruises on his skin. Of pain. Of forevermore.
Of the remnants of his past. Of the joy of the people he has become close to. All this, all this is the retribution of his past life and the things he has faced only now left to be forgotten, unwanted, irrelevant, but still he finds it surfacing long after it has been discarded. Every single time he closes his eyes. Every. Single. Time.
But even so, his life was pathetic, a household of beer bottles and screams and pain. Bullying by his peers that drove him to commit suicide. Only to be stupid enough to try at school and not somewhere higher and less noticeable. He knows he's happy to not have died then. Then he gets saved. Saved by a fictional character. Then everyone and everything around doesn't matter. At all. Nothing mattered more than yoo Joonghyuk. Nothing. Because he had found out the meaning of his pitiful existence. To read Yoo Joonghyuk's story. But really all he was, was a coward, running away from any problems like a rat, always running, running, running, running like it was all he could do, hiding his feelings deep inside, and running, a continuous cycle of running until all that was left was a man too tired to run any longer.
He dreaded Yoo Joonghyuk's eyes as much as he loved them at this very moment.
How could he not?
He knew with his very soul that he shouldn't look at them any longer, lest he chickens out. Somehow.
Pain erupted from his chest running down to every part of his body. He wanted to scream. But he stopped himself, that would look really weak of him.
[ the fourth wall nullifies some of your pain]
He breathed more steadily, his eyes flitted down before moving back to Yoo Joonghuk’s eyes as if he were possessed. However he almost flinched from the look in his eyes, he looked like he was about to crack into a million pieces. Like he was standing on the border between insanity and rationality.
He averts his gaze back to the ground. Why? He thinks helplessly. Why? Why? Why does he care so much? Is it because he doesn't want to manage the nebula? Is it because he still believes he’s a prophet? Why?
“Kim Dokja.” His voice was unwavering, his eyes automatically fled back to Yoo Joonghuk’s forlorn gaze. Anger. Sadness. Sorrow. Guilt. Hatred. Confusion reigned behind those dark pupils of his.
At the call of his name he stopped, he stopped breathing, he stopped thinking, he stopped everything, and only looked at Yoo Joonghyuk. He scans the regressor’s face, and time continues, Yoo Joonghyuk. Seems human, he doesn’t seem like a character in a book, or like some unexplainable god, no. he looks vulnerable. He looks like he is human, his voice does not waver, his face does not change from its stoicness, but his eyes, his eyes say everything. Yoo Joonghyuk is real, he is human. He isn’t some unstoppable killing machine, he is human, he isn’t just a character in a book, he is human. He is human. And he can feel too. Somewhere along the way, Kim Dokja thinks he has forgotten. He understands his protagonist the most, but does he understand Yoo Joonghyuk? Do you need to understand yoo Joonghyuk when you only need the protagonist? His mind echoes. no . no he does not. but he wants to. He wants to understand Yoo Joonghyuk as a human. He wants to be closer to him. He wants to be- to remain- life and death companions forever. His heart aches, though he is sure it is from the sword Yoo Joonghyuk shoved in him, he wants to believe in all those tropes on web novel for one second and stop being so delusional and come to terms that he’s always loved him but never wanted to…face it.
He looks at Yoo Joonghyuk’s face, he smirks slightly, “why are you looking so down, Yoo Joonghyuk?” my favourite person kyaaa! Cry for me Yoo Joonghyuk! He wants to stop thinking, so that he can rid himself of weird ass thoughts like those…
He's sure it's been a hot five minutes and Yoo Joonghyuk says nothing, he thinks the awkward silence is killing him faster than the damn sword…there’s no flashbacks to his life or anything, but he can feel himself dying, it hurts. It hurts like there’s a sword stuck in his heart…
“Hey.” he says he tries to speak loud so that Yoo Joonghyuk might hear him better but it just ends up soft like a whisper. The smile on his face falls ever so slightly under the pain, but that observant neck-holder probably caught it. Ah, he thinks, he hasn’t said anything to the other members yet, he thinks he sees Gilyoung and Yoosung crying and holding onto each other, which is a first.
Oh, shit, I'm going to die soon.
He looks up at the man he has loved for most of his life,” it really was a great story, isn’t that right?” there’s blood stuck in his throat, all he smells is iron.
He smiles,” let’s meet again Yoo Joonghyuk.” yes. Let’s. Again.
His eyelids are stupidly heavy, he’s somewhat glad he’s dying now or he would have probably confessed his un dying love for him.
Constant pings of constellations pounded on his ears.
A black hole opened, taking him with it.
He knew.
Yoo Joonghyuk reached out with desperation shining in his eyes. Certainty was never fickle.
Yoo Joonghyuk grabbed his neck.
And he thought,"I am certain he will let me go.”
And thus he fell into the abyss.
It hurts to be reminded of Yoo Joonghyuk’s expression as he reached out for Kim Dokja, it hurts, certainty was never fickle, yet he wishes that it was.
He comes back, then welcomes them with a quick death, ignoring the pounding of his heart whenever he talks to Yoo Joonghyuk, knowing with utmost certainty that Yoo Joonghyuk would never feel the same. ( certainty was never fickle) .
And then he’s running, ah, he forgot. He forgot how he used to run from anything and everything, how when the bottles came flying and his mother protected him he ran, leaving her as the target of his father’s abuse, oh, how he ran, running from the truth of the death of his father, running, running, running from those bullies, running from his home, then running from life, but then life caught up to him and stopped him from getting away, but then he had found Yoo Joonghyuk and then he had found motivation to stop running. But now is this any different running away from his feelings, just because of rejection, running…running until all that is left is a man that cannot move his legs to run anymore only left to face everything,but sometimes he thinks that he has great stamina and won’t stop running until he dies.
He thinks he hates tls123 for making him like this, for saving him. He thinks he hates Yoo Joonghyuk for making him feel like this. But he thinks he hates himself the most for being like this.
But he knows he loves Yoo Joonghyuk for letting him stay with him.