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The other 5 Specters behind him, Kanan ran into the nearest alleyway and through a broken-down door. In here it was darker than the void he stared into daily.
Where had the terrifyingly-accurate-shot stormtroopers chased them? Down a dusty desert planet alleyway, yes, past the insanely popular yet always screaming cabbage merchant, yes, through a Dark Oak Planks door, yes, but where had they ended up? Kanan put his hands out and sensed a tangle of cables and fabric.
“There’s machinery everywhere here,” he told the others in a low voice. “Harmless, but if one of you ever so much as does a little ‘oops I tripped’, it’s over for us.”
“That’ll be soooo easy, with all this elite jedi seeing in the dark training you’ve been doing,” Zeb elbowed who he guessed was Ezra, who immediately punched him, so yeah, it was Ezra.
“Oh my gyatt! I only actually like, closed my eyes, like, yesterday! Don’t tell Kanan,” Ezra angrily whispered at a volume level he must have thought was inaudible. Kanan rolled his eyes and continued taking cautious steps forward, brushing away definitely-not-spider webs, until he could stand freely.
“Quiet down back there,” Kanan muttered. It was time to use his big boy force training. After a couple seconds of thinking about how sad it was when his master died, which was what he needed to do any time he was about to do something cool, he sensed they were in a room, 25x80 feet, or whatever, because jedi don’t use Imperial measurements, and with really tacky wallpaper. Gyatt, he could almost see the lack of interior decorating skills…. Wait. He could see now. What he now realized were curtains opened with a slow swoosh to reveal a long stage. The stage was a vertical furstone or so above the rest of the room, which he couldn’t quite see because of the curtains not opening all the way but it had a table of sentient beings a little in front of a door.
A door! All they needed was to get through the room, past the life forms, and escape into the dusty city once again. Hopefully the stormtroopers didn’t know how to walk around a building.
“There’s a door in the back of the room. We’re going to make a break for it,” Kanan told the others, quieter now that he knew beings could be listening.
“No way!” Ezra said. “It’s way too cold there! I’ll get frostbite before I even run past Kallus and the Inquisitor!”
“How did you know who those people— ” Kanan gasped. “Never mind, then, Ezra, we’re not running, you’re my angelic prodigy son and I always end up giving in to your puppy eyes at the end of our missions.”
“That’s right! I can do no wrong!” Ezra whispered, but a little too loudly. Hera clamped a paw over his mouth and their adoptive son’s eyes widened apologetically. Kanan gave up on all plans to sacrifice him; he couldn’t resist the puppy eyes. Well, it’s good I got the “giving in to Ezra” part out of the way, Kanan sighed mentally, knowing Ezra was probably reading his mind at the very moment.
“Instead,” Hera said as calmly as possible while restraining their youngest child, “let’s see why these Imperials are waiting. What could they possibly—“
Bright lights turned on onstage, flooding their backstage theater kid anxiety hideout with light energy. Kanan could feel Sabine’s neurodivergent-stay-in-bed-drawing-all-day ass flinch when the light hit her; he was an observant Jedi dad like that. A theme song started to play, and Kanan finally physically looked back at the others for help.
“Oh my gyatt!” Sabine exclaimed. “This is where imperial captives try out for Imperial Idol! Me and my roommates used to watch this show all the time!”
“We’re going to perform songs, then,” Kanan said, pushing down his terrible stage fright.
“As I was totally saying,” Hera said, “let’s run one by one —I’m sure Ezra will be fine— while one of us distracts those three. The last guy will just run past them. Got that?”
“Copy,” Kanan, Zeb, and Sabine whispered, while Ezra chose something quirky and different with “Mmf ghgh!”
“Wait, did we forget a guy?” Kanan felt like someone hadn’t responded. His brain ran through basic arithmetic, doing calculation after calculation. 6 minus 5 equals……………1! Not someone, something. “Chopper isn’t responding!”
Chopper, ignoring Kanan, rolled out onstage.
“Well, I guess Chopper’s our first distraction. Who’s gonna make a break for it?” Hera asked quietly.
“Wait, no,” Sabine pointed out where Chopper was rolling. Chopper made it onstage, then, weirdly, turned left and rolled out of their sight to the judges’ table. Kanan heard beeps as Chopper said hi, then gas-burning sounds and a rust bucket smell as Chopper flew up, ending in a “clonk” when it sat on the table. Pleasant beeps and Common conversation followed.
“He’s tired of us already,” Sabine said with a theater-kid sigh, leaning on the tackily-papered wall. She looked at it. “Gyatt, who chose this wallpaper?!” Kanan didn’t answer, of course, because he had no opinion.
“You have a thing for aesthetics,” Hera mused, “So you go first.” Sabine immediately straightened up.
“Wait! What did I do?!” she yelped, but Zeb was happy to push her onstage. Ezra gasped seeing the love of his life with whom he had so much chemistry be pushed into a situation she had no control over, just like Hera strangling him, and he summoned the strength within to bravely push Hera’s thick ahh forearm off. Kanan tried to pull Ezra back, but his child ran onto the stage, mid haircut fluttering in the slight convenient breeze.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*Ezra pov✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
They were on stage. Ezra was on stage. Sabine was on stage, the love of his life, with her amazing(?)… skills(?)… top tier (?)… face(?) and he was so super psyched to not talk to her except for one flirty comment to remind the judges that they were meant to date in a couple years or whenever he wore her down. Ezra turned to Sabine.
“So, uh, what are we gonna do? Perform a love song?”
“If that’s distracting enough,” Sabine said, seeming to have missed that “love” comment. Ah, better luck next year when his conversation spoons had replenished enough to try again.
“Yes!” the Inquisitor cried, and Ezra and Sabine jumped and faced the judges’ table in shock. “Do your best, or you will never make Imperial Idol!”
“Beep boop. Tryouts end tomorrow” said Chopper helpfully.
As Ezra thought of a duet to sing, he kept getting distracted by the fact his friends weren’t running for the exit, and the judges talking. Were they trying to sabotage him?!
“They are so done,” Kallus said with an eyeroll. “Did they bring that Lasat guy again? Asking for a friend.”
“Ohmigod you are such a tryhard slut,” the Inquisitor spat. “Don’t act like I didn’t notice you polishing all your armor yesterday. And while we’re on ‘reasons I should kick you out of the ship’ could you stop stealing my hairbrushes, or are you above that?”
“You don’t even have hair!”
“I have horns! That need to be polished! Original intent of an object doesn’t matter!”
Someone run while they’re distracted! Someone run while they’re distracted! Ezra was chanting in his mind, though it wasn't a very catchy chant, so the midi-chlorians didn’t so much as lift a finger.
What he was force-focusing on, now, despite the judges’ argument, was a deep force-canyon in his mind. He closed his eyes, picturing the mountain-fringed void, staring into it, almost as if he could see lyrics down there so deep…
Sabine gasped. “I’ve just had a vision!”
And in synch, they both belted out the chorus of This Is Gospel: “IF YOU LOVE ME LET ME GOOOOOOO”
Ezra could really relate to the song. He didn’t understand any of the words, but it sure was his aesthetic. He was gesturing, closing his eyes, all that showbiz stuff, when he realized it was no longer a duet. Ezra trailed off, opening his eyes, to see the judges’ table with a triumphant Sabine standing behind them. He could almost hear her saying “your singing was so beautiful it distracted them all!” and he bowed to the judges, feeling proud of himself.
“Get yourself together, hon,” Kallus said dismissively, rating him a 3/10. “Next contestant. Well, I hope there are more, anyway…”
“No, no, he has merit,” the Inquisitor said. “If only I could train him myself… Solid 6/10.” All the YMS fans cheered. A/N: Yippee woohoo clap clap clap
Chopper beeped angrily, and at first Ezra was hurt that his own friend was rating him below the ratings of the Imperials. However, rejection was an easy way out. If the judges deemed Ezra unworthy, they would let him go through the door, and he’d be safe with Sabine. Hopefully the others would realize that before he did! Oh, how he wished he hadn’t been trying so hard to impress Sabine…that he had made the judges give him an ok rating and barely processed what her singing was like. Eh, probably beautiful, I mean, she does art, right?
“I agree with Chopper, I wasn’t that good…” Ezra said being fake humble. The judges glanced at each other. Hera jumped out from backstage and shoved Ezra off.
“Not him! Choose me, for I am the best of all singers!” she overperformed, lunging onstage, pointing to herself and judgementally stabbing a headtail at Ezra. “If I cannot make Imperial Idol, darkness will close in on the empire!” Ezra, about to run to Sabine, caught her eye, and didn’t need the force to figure out “gyatt help me!”
“Oh my gyatt, a prostitute,” the Inquisitor sneered.
“Don’t be so insensitive,” Kallus glared at him. “Now where’s that lasat…I really have a thing for them...”
“Gyatt you’re such a— Twilek! Sing!” The Inquisitor pointed at Hera, who was having a touch of stage fright, standing straight and awkward as a pole. She usually did her major accomplishments behind a screen on a ship’s bridge, not in an empty room with judges literally judging her judgmentally. How she wished Kanan would come out now and make the stage less empty.
“That’s my wife you disgusting ass mother flippers!” Kanan said calmly, rocketing onstage with the force of a thousand suns. Hera unfroze and made a break for it as Kanan began to do voice warmups.
“Hey where’s the twilek going… oh, never mind,” Kallus groaned. “Are we srsly gonna be here all day?”
“Days don’t exist on this world you fugly slut,” the Inquisitor snarled, hand on his lightsaber. Chopper beeped and booped nervously, and the Inquisitor turned to him with a glare.
“Be glad you’re not one of those obnoxious imperial droids, or I would burn you like I just epically burned this man,” the Inquisitor jerked a thumb over his shoulder at Kallus. Chopper was glad Sabine hadn’t had enough time to spray-paint it black. Black paint got so hot on constantly-bright desert planets.
Kanan finished warming up as Hera, Ezra, and Sabine watched from the shadows. Kanan sang a few bars in some random language no one had ever heard of, then pulled a jar of pickles from his fanny pack and ate two. He put the jar back with elegance.
“I’m not convinced he’ll make Imperial Idol,” the Inquisitor said. “Imperials should be dramatic. Give your performance a little passion, a little meaning.”
Kallus agreed. He thought of this random time Gov. Tarkin had given a proof of concept powerpoint on this cool idea for a big ship that blows big stuff up, like, kaboom. You could tell the presentation and the idea were great cause Tarkin had immediately ran to his room and TK-421 wasn’t at his post. That was how performance should make you feel… really horny.
Nah, this Kanan guy wasn’t doing it. Kallus held up a 2/10, and the Inquisitor gave Kanan a more generous 7/10. Well, different people have different tastes. Ha, Kanan must have not been bitchy enough to get along with the Inquisitor. Kallus was laughing at his own amazing sense of humor when someone walked on stage who made his breathing speed up.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*Zeb pov✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
Zeb saw his ex “Oh my gyatt hide me!” panicked “Noo I’m the last one!” and had a moment of artistic genius. He broke into the song Exceptional Zed from the Disney Zombies movies, except he changed the lyrics to Exceptional Zeb because why not, girlies need self care every once in a while.
“I’m exceptional Zeb! To all my family and friends! And I just gotta forget the Chopper and get him off of my ship! I’m exceptional Zeb!” These adlibs were from the heart, yes, but he had realized the thing that had taken everyone else so long to get. Get them to rate you low. He didn’t project an ounce of annoyance or weakness, which pissed off the Inquisitor, he threw epic shade towards Chopper, and he didn’t make seductive eye contact with Kallus even once.
It was perfect. Zeb bowed through the jduges’ angry glares because he could see and hear the reaction of the people who really mattered. His friends. The imperials can’t hurt me, and Kallus doesn’t deserve me. I love myself! Zeb wiped a tear from his cheek and realized the others were crying so loud the judges were bound to notice after they stopped staring at Zeb. He waved graciously to the Inquisitor and Kallus, then ran to the door. Chopper followed.
“I knew you weren’t judging them fairly!! You bitch!” the Inquisitor screamed as they slammed the Acacia Wood Planks door shut. Everyone tackled Zeb in a hug which should have been TOTALLY EMBARRASSING in those crowded city streets but finally, with Chopper punching him as the others cried tears of joy, he felt like a real part of the family.