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seonghwa had been falling apart for days now. he hadn’t wanted anyone to notice but it was becoming more difficult to conceal.
his parents fights were getting more violent each night, the pressure to be better was building, his longing for a kiss was becoming more painful.
the eyebags under his eyes were getting bigger, ugly colours stretching at the previous clear skin.
each day was a new struggle, nothing ever stopped. he hated how his life was, each day threw a new curve ball at him and it was becoming increasingly more difficult to act as though it was fine.
he handled it well, he dealt with shit but he could act like everything was fine. he’d told himself that a million times but when did it get to the point that fake it until you make it wasn’t real?
he sat up in his bed, his hand lazily reaching for his phone which had no new notifications. what a surprise.
he looked through his contacts, wondering if any of them would answer at this time. he knew that they probably would, they cared about him after all, but why would he burden them?
not to mention, they could be dismissive sometimes. he knew they loved him but the fact that he always handled things so well meant that they assumed he was okay dealing with it all alone.
his fingers hovered over a certain contact, every fibre of his being begged his mind to let him call.
hongjoong would be awake. he was always up late. he’d pick up, he wouldn’t hesitate.
he didn’t know what to do, he didn’t want to a burden but the longing for a touch, a hug, some kind of comfort was becoming overwhelming.
he felt tears pricking at his eyes, which was new, and he didn’t know how to react to that either. he rarely cried anymore, just out of frustration.
he waited a whopping minute before giving into his selfish desires. he clicked the number displayed under the contact name and watched as the screen lit up.
the phone only rang twice before the voice that had been on seonghwas mind spoke through the phone.
“hyung?” he called out softly, his voice hoarse likely from lack of use. it was three am after all, hongjoong probably hadn’t spoken in a few hours.
seonghwa was silent for longer than he wanted to admit, he debated just hanging up but he was in too deep. hongjoong was definitely already worried.
after all, seonghwa hated phone calls. he rarely ever called his friends unless they were hanging out and seonghwa couldn’t find them.
“sorry for calling you so late.” his weak voice spoke, it was pathetic how small seonghwa sounded in that moment. he didn’t think that a voice could seem minuscule but his did then.
“never apologise for that. i was awake anyway. are you okay?” hongjoong replied quickly, clearly attempting to ease seonghwas guilt before it consumed him. he clearly didn’t know that it already had.
seonghwas voice cracked as he tried to speak. he had never felt as weak as he did in this moment.
“i just needed to hear your voice.” he whispered, he tried to sound stronger but his body betrayed him as he sniffled. tears were escaping his eyes now, cascading down his cheeks.
“do you want me to come over?” hongjoong asked, his voice dripping with concern now. that wasn’t surprising, after all, this was all so out of character for seonghwa.
seonghwa didn’t know what to say. he knew hongjoong had drove over to their friends homes in their time of need before.
it was a thing everyone praised him for, he would always drop everything for the people he loved and he’d heard of the countless times he’d done it for the others but seonghwa had never thought he would be that person.
he was so used to being the oldest, the one who had to be there for everyone. he didn’t know how to cope with feeling like a child, feeling so helpless.
“would that be okay?” he whispered. it had never been his intention to have hongjoong panic and come over like this. god knows the other would have to climb through his window so of course this wasn’t planned but his words were betraying his mind.
he’d wanted to say no, to hang up but his mouth had worked quicker than his mind and now he was listening to the sound of hongjoong grabbing his keys.
“i’ll be ten minutes max. i have to hang up to drive but i promise i’ll be there.” hongjoong said, his comforting voice ringing through seonghwas mind. he was such a wreck.
“okay. come to my window.” he whispered before ending the call himself. he didn’t want hongjoong to feel guilty for being the one to hang up.
this was so stupid.
even if he ignored how burdensome and weak he felt, the superficial part of his brain reminded him that hongjoong was the man he was irrevocably in love with.
seonghwa was a mess in that moment, his hair greasy from one too many missed showers. his pyjamas had a stains from his few meals that had been eaten recently. his face was carved with eyebags that sunk to his skull.
this was humilating, he should’ve tried to fix himself but he lacked the motivation and energy to leave his position on bed.
he didn’t really move at all, staring at a random spot on his wall for what had felt like a few seconds but ended up being ten minutes if the tap on his window said anything.
he reluctantly dragged his limbs from his bed to open the window, seeing hongjoong in all of his godforsaken beauty. it was three in the morning yet he still looked kissed by the gods.
he was grateful his room was on the ground floor as hongjoong easily climbed through the window into seonghwas room. hongjoong looked at him for a moment and seonghwa couldn’t help how he shrunk into himself. he was so embarrassed and humiliated by his state.
he tried to wipe some of the tears that had now dried on his cheeks as if that made a difference in his appearance. he didn’t know how to break the ice. all he knew was that he was at his most vulnerable and hongjoong was standing in his room.
“oh baby.” hongjoong whispered before moving closer to seonghwa and taking him into his arms. baby was new, usually it would’ve had seonghwa blushing like a fool but he didn’t even register the petname as he started to crumble.
sobs wracked through his body like an internal storm as he lost his footing and started to pratically collapse. hongjoong followed his body to the ground, kneeling with him as he continued to hold him like a porcelain doll.
“why didn’t you tell me things had gotten this bad?” he whispered into seonghwas hair but seonghwa still didn’t reply, just crying deeply.
he’d been craving a touch like this for so long, it had been consuming his entire being. the action of being held was changing everything in that moment.
they remained on the floor like that for longer than he wanted to admit before seonghwas sobs calmed. when they did, hongjoong carefully moved them both so that seonghwa was sat on his bed now.
hongjoong was next to him, his presence soothing seonghwa. no words were spoken at first as the only sounds heard in the room was seonghwas soft snifflies.
“i’m sorry. i didn’t think i’d react like that.” seonghwa broke the silence, his voice hoarse from the sobs.
he was so humiliated, he didn’t think he’d ever recover from this.
“don’t apologise. things have been hard havent they?” he whispered to which seonghwa nodded. he felt his body ache in ways he didn’t think it could, the crying leaving an exhausted in his bones.
“i don’t think anything has even changed much.. things haven’t even good but they rarely are. it all just got.. too much.” seonghwa explained timidly, it was embarrassing. he hated having to admit that this wasn’t because of something that had happened but yet his weak soul.
hongjoong nodded gently, looking over seonghwas dishelved appearance comfortingly. it seemed like he didn’t know what to do then and seonghwa hated that he’d put him in this position.
hongjoong silently moved to place his hand on top of seonghwas, gently rubbing the skin of his knuckles with his thumb.
“do you want to talk about it or do you want to want to rest?” he asked, his voice soothing and grounding.
seonghwa considered his options but only for a small moment, he didn’t want to talk, there wasn’t much to say, he just wanted hongjoong.
even the boy being next to him, touching him in the smallest way, made him feel better.
“i just want to rest.” he whispered, only now realising that hongjoong could tell that seonghwa hadn’t rested in a while.
he couldn’t remember the last time he’d slept, every moment was spent mindlessly scrolling through social media that he didn’t care about or spacing out. he hadn’t done anything but it hadn’t been restful.
“okay, we can put on a movie okay? i brought some snacks too. i figured you haven’t eaten in a while and although it’s not a meal, which is what you need, it’ll do.” he said softly, seonghwa didn’t know how hongjoong knew so much. he hadn’t even spoken yet hongjoong saw through him and saw what he needed.
seonghwa nodded a little and moved to sit at the top of his bed, beckoning hongjoong towards the spot next to him.
hongjoong picked up a small carrier bag, likely the snacks, and slipped off his shoes before sitting next to seonghwa on the bed.
he reached for seonghwas remote control for his television, he already knew where seonghwa always kept it, and started to look through the movies.
he didn’t ask for seonghwas input but at this point seonghwa knew that hongjoong knew what he needed better than himself so he let him make the decision.
seonghwa couldn’t help but smile fondly as he saw the familiar intro of star wars, everyone knew how much seonghwa adored star wars.
“you hate star wars.” seonghwa whispered, looking over at hongjoong.
hongjoong was far more deep than seonghwa when it came to media. he loved old films with beautiful cinematography and hard to understand plots, he’d never liked star wars and had always protested against watching it when seonghwa asked.
the other male smiled fondly before speaking, his tone gentle as he looked at seonghwa.
“i do, but i love you more than i hate it. just appreciate this moment.”
seonghwa felt his heart beat faster, the sincerity in hongjoongs tone catching him off guard and making him feel a deep sense of being adored. he felt adoration from hongjoong.
and that was strange because seonghwa looked awful right now, he was at his worst yet hongjoong was looking at him as if he was undeniably enamoured by him.
a shy smile made its way onto seonghwas lips as he struggled to formulate a response.
he had never felt this loved, warm.
hongjoong has came over despite the time, he’d showed seonghwa a kind of dedication and care that seonghwa had never expected to get, or felt like he deserved.
“i love you too.” he whispered, he hoped hongjoong could see how he meant it.
he had never loved him platonically, since he’d met hongjoong he’d loved him in a way that was all consuming.
“i know you do. you’ve always been obvious hyung.” hongjoong said with that smile, the one that always meant he knew something you didn’t.
hongjoong often knew what others were thinking before they even did but seonghwa had never thought that it would happen to him.
“you didn’t say anything?” seonghwa asked, his voice timid and curious. was this a rejection? why wouldn’t hongjoong have said anything if he felt the same way.
hongjoong studied his exhausted face, a sense of adoration still present.
“i could tell you felt the same way but that doesn’t mean i’m immune to overthinking. i kept thinking i was making it up, that i wanted it to be true so desperately that i saw signs that weren’t there. right now, i can tell. the way you’re looking at me, it’s how i imagine i’m looking at you.” hongjoong spoke and seonghwa swore he felt the air being punched from his lungs.
hongjoong was looking at him in his worst state yet he loved him.
seonghwa had just sobbed in his arms with food stains on his shirt and hongjoong loved him.
it took everything in seonghwa to stop his eyes from betraying him and leaking tears again. he was so overwhelmed in the best way.
he didn’t know how to react for a moment, just staring up at hongjoong with eyes full of surprise and admiration.
“you love me?” seonghwa whispered, seeking the confirmation in the case that his mind was somehow playing tricks on him.
he couldn’t believe that for much longer though as hongjoong nodded as if he’d never been more sure of something in his life.
“since we were fifteen.” he uttered, confirming what seonghwa had asked in a way that pratically changed seonghwas entire world.
seonghwa wasn’t speaking much but he hoped that the other understood why.
it was then, that seonghwa realised he could no longer contain his longing.
he timidly leaned over, his thin frame shaking slightly as he moved his face closer to hongjoongs.
the other boys eyes flickered down from seonghwas eyes to his lips before he stared back at him.
hongjoong was beautiful.
and hongjoong was more confident than seonghwa which meant it wasn’t surprising when he took the final step and carefully slotted their lips together.
the kiss was gentle, no sense of heat or desperation but just love.
seonghwa had never been more grateful for that, what he needed right now was gentleness.
hongjoong didn’t kiss him for long before gently cupping his cheeks and pulling away. his eyes scanned over each of his features like he’d done a million times that night already.
“you’re so pretty.” he whispered, his eyes were still scanning over each and every pore on seonghwas face as if they were each the most beautiful thing hongjoong had seen.
seonghwa felt a heat rise to his cheeks and ears as he tried to turn his face away in hongjoongs hold.
thankfully, hongjoong didn’t keep his face in place and let seonghwa move back to his original spot.
he smiled shyly, mostly to himself, he felt good.
he knew that whatever had just happened wouldn’t fix his issues but the notion of being loved made some of the weight feel lifted.
after all, how could he be as bad as his mind told him when hongjoong looked at him like that? when hongjoong kissed him like that?
“i don’t think i’m ready for anything else tonight. is it okay if we just cuddle now?” seonghwa said quietly, as much as he’d been yearning for hongjoong in this way for years now he knew that now wasn’t the time.
“of course. we have all the time in the world.” hongjoong said sweetly before wrapping his arm around seonghwas smaller frame.
he knew that hongjoong was quite a bit shorter than him but he enjoyed feeling like the small one in that moment. he felt protected.
he silently moved to tuck himself under hongjoongs chin, laying in the bed now as his legs tangled together with hongjoongs under the sheets.
his head was rested on hongjoongs chest comfortably and if he tried hard enough, he could hear the way hongjoongs heart raced which was enough to make seonghwa smiled bashfully.
seonghwa stayed like that for the new few hours, occasionally lifting his head when he was fed snacks by hongjoong.
it was nice, neither of them spoke much but the feeling of hongjoongs warm body under him was comforting enough.
seonghwa didnt realise when he’d started to drift off to sleep but he was rested.
and actually rested.
he didn’t wake up once, his body finally feeling safe enough to take the rest itd been oh so desperately craving.
hongjoong loved him.
and he loved hongjoong.
and from this night, he knew that hongjoong would turn up at three am whenever seonghwa needed it.