Chapter Text
Olivia Benson had a secret, one that she’d been keeping since she’d gotten her classification. It was something that'd been ingrained in her that it was a weakness, so she kept it a secret. She felt that her mother would have had a bit less of a problem if she had an older headspace, but sadly she didn’t. She fell firmly into the ‘baby’ category on the little scale. The categories were a classification system that was treated as a second “gender”, so to speak. There were caregivers, neutrals, hybrids, and littles. Caregivers are pretty self-explanatory, as are neutrals. Hybrids were more complicated, as that depended more on percentages of the other two categories. Littles were a bit complicated as well, as they had sub-categories. Littles had babies, tots, mids, and bigs. Bigs were of any age between twelve to seventeen. Mids were those of ages six to eleven. Babies had the largest range of ages from eight months to two years. Tots had the smallest range only from three to five years of age. Olivia’s headspace was about one year old, which was unacceptable to Serena. After her first official drop, something they couldn’t get around due to the health and legal issues it would cause, she promptly told Olivia to get on blockers. They weren’t illegal by any means, just heavily frowned upon due to the potential health issues that could occur from them. Nobody within the squad knew she was a little, not even Cragen. She was neutral and preferred it that way for all intents and purposes.
However, that didn’t mean that Littles weren’t allowed to work, quite the opposite. They just had so many extra hoops to jump through, it was just easier to hide. Cragen and Fin were the only Caregivers, Carisi was the only hybrid and everyone else was a Neutral. Even with the medications dulling her true nature, Liv was always cautious. The medication wasn’t always surefire, especially after prolonged use. The user's body eventually became immune to it, though Olivia wasn’t too worried about it.
Life was okay for the detective, up until one day. It started easy for her, waking up at her alarm, getting dressed, having a rather meager breakfast, due to a side effect of the medicine affecting her appetite and turning on the television for the weather. Could she have just checked her phone? Yes, but she preferred the television, at least in the morning. She wasn’t fully listening, more so getting the last of her routine done before heading to work. Of course, what caught her attention also had her eyes popping out of her skull. She was in utter disbelief as the newscasters spoke.
“The widely prescribed headspace suppressant, NeuroTranquilix, has been officially declared illegal today.”, the female newscaster spoke. “The once-promising medication, designed to predominately dull Little headspaces, has come under intense scrutiny as reports of alarming side effects continue to emerge.”. She said, her tone neutral. Her male counterpart continued the story.
“Late last night, health authorities announced that the decision to ban NeuroTranquilix was based on the increasingly severe consequences experienced by long-term users. Past and present cases of memory loss, vivid hallucinations, and even instances of altered personality traits have raised concerns about the long-term impact of the medication.”.
Liv could feel her heart beating out of her chest, as this was the exact drug she was using. She’d known that the stuff was very much a “use at your own risk” type of drug, but not to the point that the news was talking about. Of course, she calmed down after a moment, as she knew she had a rather large prescription on hand, so she’d be able to keep hidden for a while. However, she had no idea what would be done after she ran out. She wasn’t about to jeopardize her career, and buying a now-banned substance didn’t exactly make an employed or free woman. Olivia shook her head out of her spiraling thoughts, as she had no time to worry about that. For the moment, she was absolutely fine and that’s what mattered. She got her things, took her gun out of the safe, and left for the precinct.
Olivia had barely gotten her cup of the precinct’s only marginally better coffee before being sent to interrogate a perp. This wasn’t the best day for her, due to what she learned that morning. She entered the room, Fin following shortly after, as protocol required two officers within a room. Olivia Benson stood across from the potential suspect, her eyes fixed on him, searching for any sign of deception. The suspect in question was a man named Jason Banner, who was one scummy bastard in Olivia’s opinion. The energy he gave off felt like Liv needed to take multiple showers and scrub hard every time. She looked him in the eye before speaking, attempting to remind him exactly who was in charge. The man looked at her with an air of nonchalance, his green eyes raking over Olivia’s form. It didn’t take a mind reader to parse out exactly what was going through this man’s head, and Liv felt ever the more disgusted, and a little unnerved by the man's presence. Of course, she wasn’t about to let him know he was actually getting to her.
"The more honest with me you are, the easier this all is," she said, her voice steady but with a hint of disgust. "We know you were in that area that night. Your alibi checks out, but that doesn't mean you're off the hook.”. Banner smirked, clearly enjoying the tension he was causing. "I told you, I didn't do anything. You've got nothing on me.". His carefree attitude grated on Olivia's nerves, and she could feel her temper rising. Something in her knew that this wasn’t like her at all, as she usually was rather level-headed when dealing with the more “charismatic” suspects. "Don't play games with me," she snapped, leaning in closer. "I've seen enough predators like you to know when someone's lying.". She growled, her hackles rising. This man was getting to her in a way perps rarely did and it was pissing her off even more. She’d only felt this anger once before, with Michael Thatcher, resulting in a few days suspension. Clearly, someone else remembered that incident as well and decided to intervene. Captain Cragen’s voice came through the intercom, calm but firm. "Benson, that's enough," he said, his tone carrying a warning. "Take a step back.". Olivia bristled at the reprimand, feeling the frustration and anger bubbling inside her. These feelings were also followed by an overwhelming sense of sadness. This sadness wasn’t like her usual, rather it was stronger and she just knew it was her headspace. Of course, she was also now scared and shocked, as the medication she was on usually lasted her the day. Without a word, she walked out of the interrogation room, her footsteps echoing down the hallway. Her heart rate was already spiking, making everything worse in her head. It was almost like she could feel Livvy, the name she chose for her Little self, clawing her way out of the slumber she was usually in. Now, the emotions she’d felt earlier were culminating into a sense of panic, as her body was becoming overwhelmed. She quickly made her way to the cribs, seeking solace in the quiet space. Leaning against a bottom bunk she closed her eyes and took deep breaths, trying to regain her composure.
Amanda had been working on some paperwork she’d neglected the day before when she noticed, not like it was easy to ignore, Olivia making a beeline for the cribs. She could tell that something had gotten to her about that asshole Banner, at least at first glance. A few moments later, she saw Nick and Fin “gently” escort the guy out. He glanced at Amanda as he passed, a smirk on his lips. She shuddered, as she also now felt like she needed to shower as well. Cragen soon followed, looking at Amanda and gesturing for her to come to him.
“Yeah, cap? What do- oh, you want me to check on Liv.”. She said, already picking up on what the older man wanted. Cragen had become a bit of a pseudo-dad to Amanda, so she already knew he was basically Liv’s dad in every way but legally and by blood.
“Yes, thank you Rollins. She seemed shaken up, like more than she had when that bastard originally started talking.”.
He said, a bit of a worried expression on his face. Amanda nodded, heading to the back to do just that. The room was dark, as the layout promoted sleep. The windows were heavily tinted, and the mattresses were of higher quality than the old ones. Light still filtered in from the door, but it was mainly dark. She felt around for the light switch, flicking it on to better see where Olivia was. Her brows furrowed, as she could hear quiet sniffles and whines.
“Liv? You alright?”.
She called out, her accent a bit heavier due to worry. She went a little further, finding Olivia with her knees pulled to her chest and head down. She came closer, just barely, examining her friend a little closer. She didn’t want to touch her, in case she wasn’t in the mood for physical contact. Something was niggling at the back of her mind, something she was going to brush off. ‘Is Liv a Little? No way, that can’t be right.’. She thought to herself, eyes widening a bit. Almost as soon as she thought it, her question was answered by big, wet, and scared brown eyes meeting her worried blue. ‘Holy shit, Liv’s a little..like me’.
The two held each other's gazes for a moment before Olivia promptly burst into tears. Amanda panicked, her headspace fighting to the surface. Unlike Olivia, Amanda fought her headspace with pure stubbornness, which was difficult due to headspaces being both separate and whole. She did her best to comfort her friend, pulling her into her lap and rocking her. The only reason Amanda had much of a clue to deal with a headspace this young was due to her experiences with her sister as a baby.
“Shh, hey now, it’s okay.”. She said, rubbing her back in circles.
Poor Olivia was quite overwhelmed at the moment, considering she’d dropped to her youngest headspace in minutes, at work, after her father figure wasn’t even all that harsh with her. Now, she was being held in her friend's arms as she cried in earnest. All of that would be what would be going through Olivia’s head, had she been in her adult headspace. Livvy on the other hand was attempting to merge herself with Amanda’s body, her tears slowing as she found a more comfortable position. She also promptly shoved two fingers in her mouth, the suckling motion calming her more.
Amanda was internally relieved, as she wasn’t sure if she was going to be able to talk to Liv at all if she kept crying. Amanda shook herself, as that was a rather childish thought, letting her know that Manda, her headspace, was closer to the surface than she thought. By this point, Livvy had calmed to the point of sitting back to examine the blonde. After a moment, with the two just breathing together, Livvy pulled back to look Amanda in the eyes, still sniffling a bit. Livvy pulled her fingers out of her mouth to speak
“C’agen mad a’ me?”. She asked, and if that question didn’t break her heart, nothing would. She adjusted herself to better look Livvy in the eyes, so she didn’t feel like what she was going to say next was a lie.
“Liv, Cragen isn’t mad at you in the slightest. He cares about you and he just didn’t want to have to punish you.”.
Amanda felt rather naked, metaphorically speaking. Even in her headspace, the Benson eyes felt like lasers to the soul. That look prompted her to quickly let her friend know the truth, as headspaces, both big and little, were connected to a point. Of course, neither fully remembered anything. It was more like the memories were caught in a fog when they were in either.
“Liv, I promise I’ll keep quiet about this. I don’t know how much you’re processing but… I’m a Little too.”. She said, watching Liv’s eyes to see if she understood what she was saying. Brown eyes, usually covered by a juxtaposition of compassion and aloofness widened. Livvy may be barely one, but she knew that this was important. In a blink, she got out of the proverbial driver's seat and let Olivia take the reins. The older of the two promptly climbed off of her friend's lap, sitting on the bottom bunk instead.
“Y-you’re a Little too?”. Olivia asked, her tone shocked as she’d have never even considered her stubborn, reckless coworker a Little. Amanda stood up, her knees popping as she did. She sighed, nodding in confirmation. She’d have never thought any of her fellow detectives were Littles, given that they were all neutrals, other than Cragen. It was utterly insane how the two had made it undetected, pun intended, this long, especially Olivia. Even with the drug she took flowing through her blood, something should have tipped somebody off. The two sat in silence, absorbing the new information they’d both just learned. Olivia was also attempting to regulate herself, as she wasn’t about to come out of the cribs in her current state. One look from Cragen and she would break right there on the spot.
“Liv, how about you take a nap? I’ll tell Cragen you were just overly tired from the case we just closed and were more irritable than normal.”. She teased her at the end, narrowly avoiding an arm to the side.
“That’s… a good idea Amanda. Thanks.”.
Olivia promptly got under the covers on the bunk she was sitting on. She did need some rest, as Amanda’s idea wasn’t all that far from the truth. Amanda left then, shutting off the lights as she walked out. Though it seemed like far longer, Amanda had only been in the cribs for barely fifteen minutes.
“Hey Cap, Liv’s alright. The case from last week caught up to her and she just needs a quick nap in the cribs.”.
Cragen nodded, having been on the receiving end of a sleep-deprived Olivia’s annoyance and not particularly having had a good time. Amanda went back to her desk, getting back to the paperwork she’d been doing. It was interesting that she and Olivia had found out some rather life-altering secrets about each other in such a short amount of time when if you’d asked either of them about the other a scant few days ago, their answers would have varied greatly. Oddly, it felt pretty good to have someone else on the squad who understood how it felt to have to hide such an integral part of their being. Of course, she understood it had to be even crazier for Olivia, due to her headspace being so young. At least with her own, Amanda was semi-self-sufficient, though as to what level was always up to chance with a three-year-old. It helped to consider her headspace a separate entity at times, one that just so happened to share her body and some of her memories. She shook her head, refocusing on the DD5s that weren’t just going to magically get done on their own.
Eventually, Olivia came out of the cribs, looking quite a bit more refreshed. Her hair was still a bit mussed, prompting Amanda to help her fix it. The two shared a look, one's eyes communicating ‘thank you’ and the other saying ‘you’re welcome’. The two sat down at their respective desks, getting back to work so they’d hopefully have less paperwork to do the next day, a pipe dream in their line of work.