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“I’m leaving, Tommy,” Wilbur said with a sigh, running his hands through his hair. He didn’t look the teen in the eye. He couldn’t. He heard the way Tommy’s breathing hitched, and he could already tell the boy wasn’t going to take this well.
“What..?” There was a slight waver in Tommy’s voice, the type that made him sound like he was on the verge of tears. “Wil… Wil look at me.” The older man continued to avert his gaze, even as Tommy put his hand on his shoulder. Wilbur felt sick. He knew this was going to be difficult, but he had already made up his mind. “Wilbur. What do you mean?”
“I’m leaving,” Wilbur repeated, as though it explained everything. He knew Tommy wouldn’t let him off that easily. He had changed a lot in the time that Wilbur had spent dead, but he was still Tommy. His skin was littered with scars and his once blue eyes had turned gray, but at his core he was Tommy.
“You’re… leaving,” Tommy echoed, like he needed to speak the words aloud to fully process them. He clenched his fists at his sides, nails digging into his palms. “After all of this..? You’re just going to leave?” Tommy sounded so hurt, and it made Wilbur’s heart ache.
“Tommy, I can’t… I can’t do this anymore.” Wilbur’s voice was so quiet, eerily so. Tommy felt his heart stop for a moment, every muscle in his body tensing.
“Wil… you’re going to kill yourself, aren’t you?” He tried to hide the panic he could feel clawing its way up his chest, but Wilbur knew him too well. The man felt shame rising in his body, crawling under his skin. He had already hurt Tommy so much, and he knew leaving would hurt him even more. He also knew that Tommy would never be able to heal with him around. He stared at the ground, trying to ignore the feeling of Tommy’s gaze burning into him. Anything he wanted to say got caught in his throat, so he said nothing.
“You’re selfish, Wilbur.” Tommy’s voice had so much vitriol in it, and it shocked Wilbur. He wasn’t sure how he expected Tommy to respond, but it wasn’t like that. The words stung, and Wilbur met Tommy’s gaze for the first time. The hurt in Wilbur’s eyes gave Tommy pause for a second, but he was too angry to dwell on it.
“You- you kept going on about how you wanted to change, how you were a better person now, but that was bullshit, wasn’t it?” Tommy could hardly think before the words left his mouth. He could hardly process what he was saying as the words spilled out from somewhere deep inside of him.
“Tommy-” Wilbur tried to interject, but Tommy cut him off.
“No, don’t ‘Tommy’ me. You’re just repeating history. This is like Pogtopia all over again.” Tommy thought back to Wilbur’s descent into madness. He thought about how worried he had been that Wilbur was going to hurt himself. He thought about how Wilbur died and left everyone else to clean up his mess. “You’re- you’re just leaving me alone again. You’re leaving without ever apologizing, Wil. You apologized to everyone else, everyone except… me,” His voice wavered for a second there. “You’re just going to leave again, with- without ever saying sorry?”
“You’re selfish,” he repeated, glaring at the ground. Those words felt like venom leaving his mouth, thinking back to when those same words were said to him. He bit his lip hard enough to draw blood. He didn’t want to be angry with Wilbur, but he couldn't help it. He thought back to how excited he had been when he had learned Wilbur would be joining the SMP. He thought about how he had so eagerly followed Wilbur when starting L’Manburg.
“I would’ve followed you to hell and back, man. I mean, I sort of did, didn’t I?” Tommy laughed, carding a hand through his hair, the white streak in his hair matching Wilbur’s. He shivered slightly, something he’d done frequently since his revival. There was always a chill deep in his bones that he couldn’t seem to shake. He wondered if Wilbur was cold too.
“I wish I hadn’t been so stupid.” Tears pricked at the teen’s eyes. Wilbur just stared at him sadly, like he was at a loss for words. In reality, there were so many things he wanted to say to Tommy, but he knew none of it was what he needed to hear. So he let Tommy speak. “I wish I had never trusted you.” Wilbur felt his heart begin to break.
“I wish…” Tommy took a deep, shaky breath, steadying himself. “I wish I’d never met you.” Oh. That felt like a punch to the gut.
“What..?” Wilbur couldn’t help but speak. He had been willing to let Tommy say anything he needed to, to let him let out those feelings that had clearly been stewing for a long time, but… this? Wilbur didn’t even know what to say. Deep down he knew he deserved all of it, but it hurt so, so much to hear from Tommy of all people. Tommy glared at the ground, not daring to meet Wilbur’s gaze.
“If you wanted to leave so bad, couldn’t you have done it earlier? Couldn’t you have done it before I cared about you?” The words didn’t register until after he said them. Tommy stumbled backwards a bit, seeming like he had even surprised himself with what he had said. He hadn’t realized that he had felt that way.
The duo stood in silence for a long moment, staring at each other. Neither knew what to say. Gray eyes bored into brown, as if they were trying to challenge the other, make themto look away. Finally, after what felt like hours, Wilbur broke the unbearable silence.
“Tommy, I’m- fuck… I’m so sorry.” He didn’t know why it had taken him so long to say it. Maybe if he had apologized sooner, this wouldn’t have happened. “I never meant to hurt you.” He meant it.
“Doesn’t change that you did hurt me though, yeah?” Tommy responded bitterly, his gaze avoiding Wilbur’s. The older man’s eyes looked at Tommy pleadingly, like he was silently begging him for forgiveness. He didn’t want to forgive Wilbur. He had spent too long forgiving him when he didn’t deserve it.
“I had- I was going through a lot in Pogtopia. You know that.” He looked at Tommy for reassurance. It looked like he was even more angry than before.
“It wasn’t just in Pogtopia. You didn’t- Did it never go through your brain that perhaps enlisting a bunch of kids in your military was a bit of a shit idea?!” Tommy retorted, still in an angry staring contest withstaring angrily at the ground. “When you let me lose two lives in a day?!” Tommy’s chest ached. The wounds from losing a life never quite stopped hurting. It was like he could still feel the sword and arrow lodged between his ribs.
“You keep going off about how you feel, but what about me? Yeah, Pogtopia fuckin’ sucked, but it sucked for all of us. You weren’t the only one who was ‘going through a lot’.” Tommy shivered. He didn’t like to think about Pogtopia. “This is your problem, yeah? Even when you're ‘apologizing’,” he put air quotes around the word. “You’re still all self-centered.”
“...Yeah.” There really wasn’t anything to argue about there. Tommy was right. Wilbur didn’t know when he had become so self centered. Earlier in his life, all he could live for was other people, a trait he was sure had rubbed off on Tommy.
As Wilbur spoke, all the fight drained out of Tommy. Just moments ago, he had so much he wanted to say to Wilbur. Now, all the words seemed to die on his tongue. Wilbur seemed so… defeated. He was still angry with him of course, but he couldn't bring himself to berate the man further.
“Wil?” Tommy had already cycled through all of the stages of grief. He had reached the final stage: acceptance. “I’ll really fuckin’ miss you, man.” He made no move to stop Wilbur as he turned towards his boat.
Wilbur had always been good with his words, but now he found himself unable to find what to say. He had rehearsed his goodbye hundreds of times over in his head but he’d never considered how Tommy would respond. Maybe that was indicative of a bigger problem in his and Tommy’s relationship.
“Yeah, Tommy,” he responded quietly, his voice barely audible with his back still turned. “I’m gonna miss you too.”
And with that, Wilbur left. Tommy watched quietly as his boat disappeared over the horizon, and only once he could no longer see it did he fall to his knees. Tommy cried for Wilbur, the man he wished he wouldn’t miss.