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It had taken a while but she had managed to effectively tear down Colet Vergara’s’ walls. In the end, the soft, caring and sensitive person revealed herself, the one version of Colet, Jhoanna wished more people would get to see–the confident, smart and funny girl who has this power to make everyone feel so special. She loves all or nothing, that girl.
And that is still true. She still wants people to get to know Colet better, wants people to look at Colet like she sees her. And she vows to herself that she will do everything in her power to be happy for her best friend.
Jhoanna’s got Nathan…her boyfriend. He’s a wonderful guy. And Colet has her...Aiah. Stacey’s rich, hot and doctor cousin.
She swears to herself that she will be supportive of this...whatever this is. Colet and Nathan get along. It would be a total jackass of her if she didn't at least try. She’s got her man to focus on. Not to mention, getting that theater and business degree. She’s got two years more and Jhoanna is sure it’s going to pass by like a breeze. She’s going to be fine. It’s going to be fine.
But the universe has a funny way of making sure to have the two of them close by. And it’s not like it’s rubbed in Jhoanna’s face, but come on, Aiah is always there. It almost seemed like the girl lived with them. Jhoanna could barely flush her morning shit without Aiah walking in on her. She is always there.
Sometimes Jhoanna wonders if the girl really had a job.
But it has been going okay for the most part. She’s so sure this setup is going to work out.
Hindi rin naman nagtagal. She’s eventually got used to Aiah walking into their shared dorm room completely unannounced, no warning, no knocking whatsoever. She’ll push the door open at around seven in the morning because that’s when she finishes her night shift, three coffees in one hand and sporting her signature megawatt smile which if Jhoanna’s being honest is too bright and early for seven in the morning. But she endures. Anything for her best friend.
I still remember third of December
Me in your sweater, you said it looked better
On me, than it did you only if you knew
How much I liked you
She likes Nathan. She really likes him.
And fine okay, she doesn’t feel an intense sort of passion with him but he’s really caring, and understanding. He doesn’t pressure her into doing anything that she doesn’t really want to do and prioritizes her more than anything, which is more than she would ask for. And you cannot be head-over-heels-i-want-you-all-the-time-i-can’t-live-without-you every time you fall in love, right? Not everyone loves like that. So Jhoanna guesses, it’s fine.
It’s fine. It’s totally fine that she has been with him for two years now and they’ve only kissed twice. It’s not like it’s a waiting for the perfect timing sort of thing or saving it for marriage or something. It just doesn’t really happen all the time. Nathan is super nice every time though and always stops to ask her if she’s okay and...it’s just super nice. He’s super nice.
He listens to her when she talks and sometimes, his jokes are funny enough to have her eyes water in laughter. He’s an artist and a writer so he knows how to treat women in almost like a romcom-y manner. He's really sweet and almost too good for her, a little too...perfect…boring, predictable. It’s like...look, it’s okay but it’s a little bit too on a loop for her, which again, isn’t a bad thing but it’s...whatever it is.
So whenever Aiah shows up and is lovey dovey with Colet, she makes it a habit to just focus on her man. He’s got a cute smile and honey brown eyes and she can just get lost in them.
One time they were sitting in the quad eating sandwiches after a grueling five hour class in globalization, society and culture when she happened to see a familiar embroidered beanie from the corner of her eye. She tries not to tear her attention away from the story of how Nathan’s car broke down in the middle of traffic last week blah blah blah...because of course she’s with her again—Aiah.
He doesn’t seem to notice Jhoanna flying away to wherever they’re seated, but she could definitely feel her own mood shift entirely.
She feels a gentle tug, which brings her attention back to him. “Hmm?”
“Sabi ko parang di ko pa nakikita ‘tong bagong sweater na ‘to. Ganda ah. Bagay mo.” His fingers rub through the material of her sleeves.
She glances down on the white and deep blue checkered polyester, blinking rapidly. The great thing about sharing a dorm with your best friend is your wardrobe grows double in size or in her case, triple because Jhoanna’s wardrobe already is doubled in amount. “Ah, kay Col kasi ‘to.”
He talks while there’s food in his mouth, which annoys Jhoanna sometimes. “Oh. Well that explains it. This is definitely a Colet sweater.”
Jhoanna couldn’t help but smile at the mention of her roommate’s name.
Suddenly, an epiphany takes over her. She briefly recalls always being drunk at the beginning of freshman year, when Maloi would always drag the two of them to small KTV bars along Espanya. She doesn’t remember the place nor the people that they were with but she remembers exactly how Maloi kept shoving drinks into her hands. Colet, being the wisest of them all, would always refuse to get as wasted and has dubbed herself as the designated driver.
The KTV bars are loud and cramped inside. And Jhoanna would always sing “Sayang na Sayang Talaga” as her last and final song for the evening. Alam n’ya kasing kahit sobrang lasing na s’ya, nakukuha n’ya pa rin ‘yung crowd by singing this song.
One time, Colet nearly beat someone up for covering Jhoanna’s school uniform with green smelly goo.
Jhoanna remembers holding her back before she is being dragged to the ladies’ room to change, carelessly stumbling around in her drunken state. She doesn’t remember why she needed to change or how she’s going to change because all that registered to her was that she was sharing a really small cubicle with Colet, where the latter had to strip off her sweater to lend her.
She wants to suckerpunch her head every time it passes through her mind, to be honest—how she swallowed thickly and ogled her roommate’s slim waist.
Colet was probably super nice to her about it all, and she probably thinks Jhoanna doesn’t remember any of it, so they don’t talk about it.
The next day Colet mentioned Jhoanna looking better in her sweater than she did but they still don’t talk about it.
but I watch your eyes
As she walks by
What a sight for sore eyes
Brighter than the blue sky
She's got you mesmerized
While I die
Colet seems to be genuinely happy with her.
Aiah is charming–as charming as a hot and successful neurosurgeon could be. All of their friends seem to be entranced and captivated by her—to the point where they gush and tease Colet whenever the doctor visits her or picks her up from class.
It’s hard not to observe Colet when she’s with her…not to study how her mouth would curl into a smile every time Aiah comes in the room, how her eyes would sparkle whenever Aiah would tell her about her day at the hospital. And it’s all really fucking selfish but she feels sick to her stomach every time. She doesn’t understand why, though. Aiah is...Aiah. She makes her best friend happy. And everyday since she came into their lives, the war inside Jhoanna’s head plays and plays and plays.
“Ay ang tanga mo talaga.”
She hears Colet scramble from the inside of their small dorm room, struggling to get up from her bed at two in the morning to let Jhoanna in. As usual, nakalimutan na naman n’ya ‘yung susi n’ya, along with an umbrella to help her brave the rain.
“Ano?” Colet’s impending sermon stops as soon as she swung the door open, revealing a flushed Jhoanna, eyes swollen with tears, soaked to the fucking skin, and lips quivering. “Ano nangyari, Jho…” She says, the sudden change in her tone evident. It’s as if all the softness in the world got crammed into such a small body. “Jho…”
Jhoanna does not have it in her to answer.
Colet responds to this by pulling the girl inside, closing the door gently behind them as she carefully guides them to a monobloc.
“Shh.”
Her voice soothes her, which is not a new thing.
“What happened?” Colet repeats, while quickly running and rummaging through the bathroom in search for the girl’s towel. “Jho…”
Jhoanna goes to wipe her nose with the back of her hand, absolutely hating it that her drenched hair is making a small puddle inside their dorm.
“Di ko p’wedeng sabihin…”
Colet disregards this, as she makes her way back to Jhoanna, putting a towel over her head in an attempt to dry her. Sakitin kasi ‘tong babae na ‘to. Plus, she is still shaking. Kaya wala namang ibang choice si Colet kung hindi ang yakapin din s’ya.
After a while, Jhoanna’s trembling ceases—fortunately.
And she doesn’t know how long Colet has been holding her for when the girl started speaking again—softly this time. “Kelan ka pa natutong magsikreto sakin…”
“Wala naman kasi…nakalimutan ko lang magpayong.”
“Si Nate ba?” Colet says, eager to press her with answers. “May ginawa ba sa’yo?”
“Wala. Hindi n’ya nga alam ‘to…”
“Eh sino?” Colet insists, her hands now fussing over Jhoanna’s wet head. “Tell me, Jho.”
“Si…” Jhoanna bites her lip.
“Si?”
“Si Sir Ryan kasi…” She starts, her voice barely above a whisper. She sees Colet’s mood shift entirely at the mention of the name, like there’s fire in her eyes. “W-Wala namang nangyari.”
“Jho.” Colet calls.
“Sumakay ako sa car n’ya after class kasi sabi n’ya may gusto daw s’yang i-discuss tungkol sa piece na pinasa ko. Tapos tinanong n’ya ko kung gusto ko raw bang maging girlfriend n’ya…”
Colet’s grip on the towel starts to tighten and if it weren’t for the fact that hair isn’t capable of feeling pain, it would’ve hurt her. Her jaw starts to clench as well—so hard Jhoanna thought it’s going to break anytime soon if she persists.
“Nu’ng sinabi kong…ayaw ko.” Jhoanna sobs, taking the biggest breath. “Sabi n’ya ang pangit daw ng gawa ko. Kahit kailan daw hindi ako magkakaro’n ng published work kung puro pa-ganda lang daw ‘yung ginagawa ko.”
“Tangina talaga no’n.” Colet replies. “Naniwala ka ba, Jho?”
“H-Hindi. I don’t know…” Jhoanna looks away, trying to musk her disappointment.
“Oh come on.” Colet starts. “You don’t seriously believe that. You’re one of the best writers I know. Tangina nung binasa ko nga ‘yung ano…’yung, ano title nu’n? Suntok sa B’wan! Grabe ang luha ko bumabaha. Alam mo ‘yan!”
Remembering how Colet actually broke down while reading her initially drafted manuscript pages gives Jhoanna a sense of comfort—makes her giggle, too.
“‘Di ba?” Colet mirrors her chuckles. “‘Yung sipon ko tulo ng tulo kasabay ng luha, nagpa-laundry nga tayo agad nu’n kinabukasan.” She says softly, the pads of her thumb now wiping her bestfriend’s tears. “Tarantado talaga ‘yang si Estevez. Walang ginawang tama. ‘Yung play n’ya nga ang pangit pangit din tapos ang kapal ng mukha n’yang sabihin ‘yun sa’yo? Bobo. Inutil.”
“Shh.”
“Ano? Totoo naman…” Colet says. “Ulitin pa n’ya ‘yan sa’yo i-rereport ko talaga ‘yang matabang penguin na ‘yan sa school. Mabuti pa nga i-diretso na rin sa asawa n’ya ‘yung sumbong eh. Ang pangit pangit n’ya ang lakas lakas ng loob.”
And as her tears get replaced by this weird feeling of comfort and joy brought about by her bestfriend’s presence, Jhoanna couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming wave of helplessness. She had fallen for her. Or at least it is what it feels like.
Jhoanna could only close her eyes, as she tries to push away the doubts and uncertainties away, while Colet finishes drying her hair and helps her get changed into dry clothes. Neither of them spoke. But in the silence of the night, Jhoanna fears that her crush for her bestfriend echoed louder than ever.
Hindi naman siguro kailangan gawan na aksyon? Okay naman na sila ng ganito. At least, she gets to keep her forever.
Jhoanna has been careful.
She tries to be careful. She tries so, so hard to be careful not to look intensely whenever Colet laughs or smiles or just...breathes. She’s in a serious, committed relationship, they both are, and she shouldn’t. She’s her best friend. They’ve known each other since highschool.
But sometimes it’s really hard, impossible even to not look.
Focusing on the littlest details like...the eyelash that’s fallen on her cheek, the little lines that form on her forehead whenever she focuses on something, the perfect lining of color on her lips so meticulously drawn it looked like it was carved by God himself–everything just feels warm to her.
Colet smiles at her, leaning at the back of her swivel chair and taking the pencil between her lips. And Jhoanna finds herself reciprocating the smile. It feels warm —light like she’s floating on air. But then she senses it, something’s bothering her. The restless hand gestures and fidgeting was a dead giveaway.
“Anong problema mo?” Jhoanna slams her own notebook shut.
Colet faces her again, eyebrows raised in question.
“Ninenerbyos ka ba?”
The girl pulls her hand inside the sleeves of her sweater and clears her throat. She draws her bottom between her teeth, and blushes so hard her face matches a tomato. “H-Hindi.”
“ H-Hindi… ” Jhoanna mocks and snorts.
“Gago, nakakahiya.” Colet giggles and buries her face in her arms.
Jhoanna’s heart is jumping jacks in her chest at the sight she just witnessed.
Colet takes a deep breath. “Si Aiah kasi…ininvite ako sa kanila sa Cebu next weekend.”
The jumping jacks stopped at once and her heart felt like it’s been stomped on by a stampede of elephants. Her entire face drops for about a millisecond before feigning interest and excitement.
“Wow…”
“Three days lang naman, so I trust na hindi mo naman siguro masusunog ‘tong dorm ng ganon kaiksing panahon.”
“Hindi ka sure.”
“Tanga.” Colet responds, taking another breath. “I don't know I’m losing my mind, Jho. Wala pa kaming isang taon.”
Jhoanna is at a loss for words. Months of dating isn’t long so she cannot help but to start questioning how serious this relationship is. She hasn’t even met Nathan’s parents yet and they’ve been dating for two years now.
“Already?” Hindi n’ya rin sinasadya na ‘yung disbelief tone na lumabas sa bibig n’ya.
Colet merely gives her a breathy shrug. “Mabilis ba masyado?”
And Jhoanna has never wanted to say ‘yes it is a little bit too fast’ more in her life. But all that came out was “Nope.”
“Jho, I need you to be honest with me. Is it too soon?”
Jhoanna scans her eyes looking for something, anything to give her a clue as to how she’s supposed to react to all of this. “No…” She says quietly. “If you’re worried about her parents not liking you then don’t. Sobrang angas mo.”
Colet breaks into a genuine smile for the first time. “That’s not the only thing I’m worried about.”
“What do you mean?” Jhoanna frowns in confusion.
She could feel her hesitation.
“Huy! Best friends, oh. If you’re so worried about it maybe you shouldn’t—”
“Tanga hindi naman ganun kaseryoso…”
“Well then what is it?”
“We…” Colet starts, “...have not spent a proper night together. You know..”
Jhoanna wants to leave, take off on a rocket to the moon or mars or the fucking sun and never come back. It’s the last thing that she ever wants to hear.
“Wala, tangina. Wala na…gago, nahihiya na ko. First relationship ko kasi.”
“I know!” Jhoanna almost yells, which almost startled Colet. “I’m sorry, alam ko naman.”
For an alluring stag like Colet, who oozes appeal just by fucking breathing, you wouldn’t think she’s inexperienced at all in that field. But she is and she’s right, Aiah is her first girlfriend. That took a lot of courage to think about but she’s finally accepted the fact that Aiah is Colet’s girlfriend.
“Pero...halos gabi gabi s’yang nandito. You two have never—?”
“Gago….ng andito ka?” Colet widens her eyes. “I--I mean, I--That’s not what I meant. I just…”
“Gets. Tanga, ‘wag ka mag-explain. Gets ko.”
“Kinakabahan kasi ako.”
Jhoanna sighs. “Relax ka lang. Basta naman comfortable kayo wala namang problema. Dapat no pressure pagdating sa gano’n”
Colet takes another deep breath. “Okay.” Her facial muscles start to relax little by little. “G-Ganon ba…kayo ni...Nate?”
She honestly never thought about it like that before, and with Nathan it isn’t really an issue but wow, that came out of her.
Jhoanna just nods.
It’s going to haunt her late tonight.
Nathan moves back to Cavite—his home province to take care of his family’s car dealership. She sucks at long distance and of course he’s been amazing trying to make it work because Jhoanna sucks at trying to keep up with messages. He drives for hours during the weekends to see her though, so they see each other at least once a week.
She doesn’t complain because at least now she’s got more free time to herself and focus on getting her double degree.
Colet mentions Aiah’s parents loved her and she’s guessing naging okay nanamn since she mostly crashes at the doctor’s pad. And Jhoanna buries herself in school work.
It feels like Nate knows.
Jhoanna’s palms sweat harder than ever as her boyfriend of almost three years now corner her to ask her what’s up. It’s not like she’s been going off at him at absolutely anything. They’re fine. Long distance works for them.
Okay, maybe she snapped at him all of sudden when he asked her how her day was going but that’s it. It was one time. It’s not like they're slipping away from each other. Jhoanna still likes the dude.
“Babe, sure ka bang okay lang tayo?” He runs a hand through his wavy locks.
“Positive.”
“So wala ‘tong kinalaman kay Colet?”
Jhoanna’s heart drops to her stomach. “I’m sorry, what?”
“Listen babe, alam kong halos magkadikit na bituka n’yong dalawa and you’re stressed out because most of her free time is now spent with a new...person but that doesn’t mean you’re suddenly dethroned. Just think about when we first started. Colet had to feel the same way .”
Is that true? But Jhoanna doubts her best friend felt the same if they were talking about how left out and jealous she feels right now.
“Okay? What if mag-date kayo next weekend? I have to go to La Union anyway, business stuff. Go out, get some….what do you call those? Mani Pedis.”
Jhoanna smiles weakly, unbuckles her seatbelt and peaks at the window to look at her and Colet’s dorm room. Lights out. She’s probably out.
She contemplates inviting him up for a second, just to feel something. But she’s had a long day, and he has a two hour drive back to Cavite. It’s nearing twelve am.
She pecks his cheek and he pulls her closer. Jhoanna tries to stop the tears forming in her eyes. The fatigue and stress builds up and she decides to let it go. Nathan pulls her closer and places a kiss on top of her head.
It’s the emotions building up and just the confusion and pain she’s been feeling since sharing her best friend with someone else. She’s not used to it. But of course she knows her place very well and she doesn’t get to be mad or upset about it. Colet is happy . The happiest she’s ever seen her. She should be too.
It’s the emotions. And the way he’s there for her right now. She knows she doesn’t say it often and it will mean the world to him.
“I love you.” She mutters. “Thank you for everything.”
Nathan rubs her back and smiles, despite the discomfort from his body leaning into the center console. “Love you too, baby.”
Why would you ever kiss me?
I'm not even half as pretty
You gave her your sweater
It's just polyester
But you like her better
Wish I were Heather
Jhoanna hates herself. No, Jhoanna hates Nathan. He should’ve been here. He said he’s coming. He’s the reason they’re all here to begin with. Jhoanna’s not a basketball fan, she’s sure Colet isn’t either. But they’re here outside the Mall of Asia Arena, in matching basketball jerseys because her fucking boyfriend wanted them to match. All fucking four of them, well three because he bailed.
Yes, fucking Aiah is also here.
Fuck it. Fuck this.
Aiah teases her about third wheeling and she tries to be civil at least but it’s really fucking hard when they look like a family taking their teenage daughter to her first Gilas game.
She’s touchy and Colet is letting her touch her, drape her arms all over her, kiss her cheek. And Jhoanna slowly trails behind them as they walk hand in hand.
And in her aggravated state, Jhoanna’s eyebrows shoot up at a piece of clothing peeking from the brown satchel bag on Aiah’s left shoulder. It’s her sweater. The white and deep blue sweater Colet said looks better on her than anyone else.
Her blood boils at the fact that Colet gave Aiah their sweater.
They get to their seats and the game starts but Jhoanna couldn’t care less. She doesn’t like basketball. She doesn’t like any of this one bit. She doesn’t like how happy and cheery Aiah is being. It almost seemed fake.
Show off.
Half time commences and Jhoanna is more than ready to get this over with. Before the second half, kiss cam falls directly on her and Colet’s direction. So she watches Aiah cheer them on. Colet is shaking her head and everyone around them is cheering. From across her, Jhoanna’s butt feels like it’s on fire. What is happening right now?
Aiah taunts continuously and everyone is waiting.
And then it happens.
Colet smacks their lips together in a whoosh and Jhoanna’s eyes grow large before they shut completely off.
And Jhoanna doesn’t deny it. The spark, the fireworks, all the cliche things people used to say about kissing the person that you love for the first time. At least, there, for a brief moment she doesn’t fight it. She wanted it to last longer. She wanted it to last forever . Because this, this doesn’t even come close to what she has with Nathan. It’s….It’s better. A million times better.
Colet pulls away, leaving Jhoanna leaned in, eyes still closed and head still floating on cloud nine.
She can’t be the only one who felt it. Hell, even Aiah felt it. It’s evident in the way the doctor stopped clapping and sunk in her seat.
So she can’t be the only one who felt it.
She looks at Colet and sees how the girl quickly curled into her girlfriend’s side, maybe for reassurance.
No. She isn’t the only one who felt it.
Watch as she stands with her holding your hand
Put your arm 'round her shoulder, now I'm getting colder
But how could I hate her? She's such an angel
But then again, kinda wish she were dead
Aiah asks for her help arranging a birthday surprise for Colet.
And Jhoanna could only roll her eyes in annoyance at how the woman literally took more than half of her free time with her constant asking. She should know what Colet wants. They’ve been dating for almost nine months now.
But of course Jhoanna only smiles and laughs to mask her irritation. She just keeps reminding herself that it isn’t for anyone else but Colet. She has come a long way in love and she deserves the best that she can get.
So Jhoanna nods and smiles and tries her hardest to get through it.
Aiah initially wanted to do it in a nightclub at first. Dark, messy and loud. Three things on top of Colet’s hate list. She hates nightclubs more than she hates ignorance. Jhoanna just knows how much the girl despises getting dressed and going out only to get wasted and trashed by strangers she’s never met before. So she nearly tore her head off with a hard no and pass when Aiah brought it up.
Don’t get her wrong, Aiah is an angel. An absolute godsend for wanting to arrange this for Colet and they get along. They do. But it doesn’t take a genius to know these things about the person that they’re dating. Or the person that they love for that matter. Hindi ba sila nag-uusap dalawa?
Anyone can bet Jhoanna knows exactly that Colet can’t sleep with less than three pillows. She also doesn’t sleep in someone else’s bed easily. She needs her morning coffee, black two sugars, before she can function effectively in the morning. She prefers books over movies. She keeps the volume of her music in five number intervals, if fifteen is too loud, twelve is good. Eleven drives her crazy. Her parents are monsters to her but deep down she wishes they could still be a proper family. And she can meet everyone in this world but Jhoanna is still and will always be her soulmate.
It’s not that hard to remember these things.
Anyway, after suggesting a couple of lame options, Jhoanna had to give it to the woman. She gave it to her straight. Sit down dinner, intimate, dressed up and classy. She’ll say she doesn’t want spending money on celebrations but in truth, Jhoanna knows Colet loves—is obsessed with classy, well-planned dinners. She likes her steak medium well, her wine tempranillo and her roses in a deep shade of red, pantone.
She isn’t a difficult woman to please. Heart and effort, that’s all that matters to her.
She feels physically ill like she’s really, really about to throw up as the party sets into motion. It’s intimate and only a few of their friends are there. Stacey had to be there, Maloi tagged along, a few of Colet’s classmates and some people who Jhoanna guessed are from Aiah;s group of friends.
Aiah kisses her after they finished singing happy birthday and Colet falls into her embrace.
And Jhoanna…Jhoanna needs to throw up. It’s not some stupid highschool crush anymore.
She’s in love with another woman’s woman. She’s in love with her best friend.
You gave her your sweater
It's just polyester
But you like her better
Wish I were
Colet is pulling away from Aiah. She can feel it. The doctor doesn’t show up as often as before and Colet avoids the topic whenever it’s brought up. She doesn’t know what happened. One morning she looks like she’s on cloud nine and the next, it’s like she’s just barely hanging on.
But now, Colet is pulling away from her. Her eyes don't shine the same way it did when Aiah walks in the room.
With Nathan living outside of campus and two hours away, and Colet and Aiah in limbo, Prison Break and junk food nights are back.
Jhoanna manages to tell Maloi. She’s confused and it’s been hurting for too long already. So she tells him...through email. She believes she’s gathered the perfect amount of courage to tell someone. And so she does.
To: Maloi Yves
From: Me
Subject:
Hi! I know it’s weird that I’m emailing you and not just calling or texting but I know I won’t be able to make it out properly unless I can sit and stare at my words for a while.
I’m in love with her, Loi. You were right all along. All the teasing and jokes, you’re right. I’m in love with Colet. She’s been in front of me the whole time and I fought it for so long, but now I can finally admit. Officially. I’m in love with Colet Vergara. I know you’re probably furious right now and you would be pushing me to tell her and sweep her off her feet so I guess I’ll just beat you to it. I love her, but I can’t be with her.
It’s not because I don’t love her enough. Hindi naman nasusukat ‘yun sa ganun.
I always think about how perfect everything is right now and how she’s my best friend for almost seven years now. I guess, yes, a part of me is just scared that she will never feel anything in return and I’m going to ruin everything because I fell in love with her. It’s just that masyado ko s’yang mahal, you know?
And it kills me, dude. It kills me so much that I fell in love with her and because of that everything between us is ruined. She’s always saving me and I’m just going to ruin it for her. And it hurts.
I won’t be the one to ruin what we have right now. Seven years, it’s too risky. She’ll be okay. It’s going to be okay.
And Nathan, he’s safe and he makes me feel safe and comfortable. And nothing will be ruined if I stay in his lane.
I’m just so confused and I’m glad I was able to vent it out to someone before I actually explode. Thank you, Loi. See you soon.
I wish i were Heather