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Colet is growing frustrated.
Not that their highschool senior’s ball is an actual big deal but Jhoanna is the one who practically dragged her into this. If it were up to her, they’d just be spending the night in a beach bonfire somewhere in Zambales with the gang. But of course, like what everyone so regularly reminds her, she is a whipped lady. She will never hear the end of it from their friends for sure, that she, resident badass Colet Vergara, got dragged to their senior prom by her best friend.
She’s not a dance person. The kind that they do in proms, anyway. All the jumping and body slamming in loud music is just really not that appealing to her. But she’s not gonna lie, even that is better than swaying slowly to cheesy music.
She doesn’t really have that much say in this.
Hell, even her dress was picked by Jhoanna. The girl was just bouncing up and down since February came around. So with little to no persuasion at all, she puts on the black slitted long gown and does what she says.
Like a whipped person does. Exactly.
Also, not that she’s been counting but it’s been exactly seventeen minutes since Jhoanna disappeared from her humongous walk in closet. She thinks it’s stupid that the girl still wont let her see her in full glam or her dress at least. Like, what’s the point of getting ready together if they’re actually in a separate room?
“Jho!” Colet yells, her voice resounding around the velvet room. “Come on, ikaw sa ating dalawa ‘yung nagsabi and I quote, ‘I want it to be a perfect night,’ with a threat na kapag late akong pumunta dito sa inyo, sasakalin mo ko.” Colet does her best impression of her best friend. “Well, it’s been three hours now. Come out of this closet, or I’ll drag your ass out myself.”
Colet hears a faint sandali before shaking her head.
Cautiously, she checks her nails to see if there are any imperfections. She adjusts her dress and looks at the tall body mirror Jhoanna has in her bedroom one more time.
It’s not entirely a lost cause. The main reason why Colet doesn’t want to go is because all the guys in their school are twats. Literally, every single one of them. Walang kahit isa sa kanila ang matino. If they aren’t jocks who just wanna get laid, they’re her friends from the school paper. Brothers. And she’s not about to take someone who is like family to her.
Well, Jhoanna is the exception. She’s her best friend. So it really isn’t a lose-lose situation. Getting to see Jhoanna in a tight long gown is...wait, no. She shouldn’t be thinking about this.
The door behind her swung open slowly. Then, she meets her eyes from her reflection in the mirror.
Oh god, butterflies.
Colet fiddles with the ends of her slightly highlighted hair, desperately trying to form words. She knows she’s ogling. She should stop ogling. “Hi” was all that came out.
She bites her lip and tries not to think about eight or ten years from now. The same girl who’s hovering behind her, wearing the same white chiffon walking down the aisle. She tries not to imagine how beautiful it will be, how delicate vows of forever would fall out of her mouth. It will be a beautiful day, the day Jhoanna Robles gets married. The image is clear, she is the most beautiful bride she will ever lay her eyes on.
“I lost you. Where d’you go?” Jhoanna tilts her head. “Hello? Colet Vergara, andyan ka pa ba?”
Suddenly, she regrets not being in a beach bonfire with all their friends. Seriously, has she swallowed her tongue or something?
“Jho.” She wants to tell her how beautiful she looks, how she will have everybody’s eyes on the prom, how she would have to compete with everyone there for her attention.
She slowly turns around, swallowing thickly. But instead she says, “Senior’s ball ‘to ah. Hindi kasal.” She teases with an eyeroll.
Colet doesn’t know what to do and the panic quickly eats her up because Jhoanna is now sporting a deflated expression on her beautiful face. It isn’t her intention. She didn’t want her best friend to feel bad about her remark.
Tanga. Bobo. Inutil.
Jhoanna was quick with a comeback. Thank god. “Well hindi rin ‘to libing, Colet. Senior’s ball ‘to..” She says firmly, spitting the brunette.
“Kahit ikaw namili nito?”
What the actual fuck, Colet. Fucking really.
The girl rolls her eyes, going around the room to get her shoes. “Seryoso ba?” Jhoanna hisses and the panic in Colet’s chest rises to a critical level. Jhoanna is still fixated on her little remark. Hindi naman din n’ya akalain na seseryosohin s’ya nito. “Male-late na tayo ‘pag nagpalit pa. Jusko….”
“J-Jho, hindi kailangan magpalit. I–” The growing blush on Colet’s cheeks intensifies. “You look beautiful.” She manages to say casually. “Ang…ang ganda mo. Promise.”
Jhoanna hesitates, looking at her best friend and trying to see the sincerity in her eyes. When she found it, she quickly stood up. “Okay, naninigurado lang.” And she’s back. “Plus, my wedding dress will be far from this. “Gusto kong isuot ‘yung wedding dress ni mommy. Marami lang kailangang adjustments pero…sobrang ganda kasi nu’n. And it would be like honoring my mom on my wedding day.”
Intrigued, Colet urges her on. “Oh? Tapos”
She could see the blush on the girl’s face. They haven’t actually talked about this before. Although she knows Jhoanna would be the kind of bride who would plan the shit out of her wedding literally up to the kind of placemats and table napkins. They’re seventeen. How could they talk about this?
“Pinagtitripan mo ko eh…” Jhoanna replies, as she fiddles with her eyeglasses.
“Hindi, tanga. Interested talaga kong malaman.” Colet says.
Jhoanna bites her lip, furrowing her brows in concentration. Colet doesn’t like cheesy but she finds it quite odd that…her face is almost breaking from smiling as the girl enumerates everything and Colet curses at herself for having such weirdly selfish thoughts. She wants that, she wants whatever Jhoanna wants to have on her wedding day. Vintage Volkswagen, a live orchestra. She would even slow dance for her.
More importantly, she would slow dance with her.
“Ang swerte naman ng mapapangasawa nito.” Colet teases. “Ang laki ng gastos.”
Jhoanna rolls her eyes, lightly bumping Colet out of the way to take a good look at herself in the mirror.
God, she smells like roses and Versace.
The girl smacks her lips as she finishes her lipstick. “Simple nga lang gusto ko.” She starts. “Nung eight years old ako, kinasal ‘yung tito ko. Flower girl pa ko nun.”
“Ah ‘yun ba ‘yung picture mong naka-powder blue na silk gown? ‘Yung maasim…”
Jhoanna rolls her eyes, but continues nevertheless. “Naalala ko si lolo kong pastor ‘yung nag-officiate ng ceremony. He was a funny guy so he got the guests and my Uncle and his wife cracking, just literally shaking with laughter. He put life into the ceremony. It was just a happy day.” Her voice cracks.
It was Jhoanna’s turn to meet her eyes through her reflection.
“I’m sorry, namiss ko lang bigla si lolo.”
Colet gave her a sad smile, enough to reassure her everything’s fine. “Sorry, Jho. I’m sure naman lagi kang binabantayan ni lolo mo.”
Jhoanna clears her throat. “Anyway, yeah. Merong mga white flowers dun na sobrang ganda, as in. Di ko lang maalala kung ano pangalan eh. Something definitely not flowery.”
“Lilies?”
Jhoanna shakes her head.
“Carnations?”
“No.”
“Hibiscus! That doesn’t sound too flowery.”
“Bobo. May malalaking petals ‘yun, and they sort of look like lotuses. Anyway, yeah not too important. But I want a small crowd, you know, intimate. Just me and the person I wanna be with for the rest of my life.”
Colet took note of the dreamy expression in her best friend’s face when she said those last few words.
"Saka s’yempre mga kaibigan natin. Of course."
She rubs er eyes, trying to erase the thought that maybe, maybe Jhoanna is... no, Colet. What you have going right now is too perfect. Don’t, please. You’re not going to ruin it.
Ooh, she got it all planned out
Yeah, I can see it all right now
Opting to ignore him for the third time tonight, Colet looks for her bestfriend’s highly noticeable thick framed glasses in a sea of people. She tries to fight the light intoxication in her veins, trying to keep her eyes open to search for Jhoanna because, one, she’s had enough of that Sam Concepcion constantly bugging her because yes, some guys just can’t take a fucking hint and two, her feet are killing her.
She catches her breath. House parties are getting so last season. Sure, she enjoyed the body slamming freshman year because it’s new and you don’t really need another reason other than it’s simply just college. But right now it’s just a pool of sweaty uncultured young adults trying to find someone to bed with.
She spots her. Behind the bar, talking animatedly with whoever's bartending tonight. Probably flirting, she's not sure.
Colet averts her eyes, not being able to take the torture. But of course, being the universe's least favourite child, all of her efforts to dodge the curly monster were trashed.
“Nicolette.” Sam suddenly appears from behind her.
Colet jumped, nearly emptying the contents of her cup to the persistent boy.
“Iniiwasan mo ba ko?” He asks as Colet takes a small sip of her beer.
That’s it
And then suddenly the persistent guy is covered by the liquor that has gone slightly warm inside Colet’s mouth, a result of her ‘uncontrollably’ spurting beer in an ‘uncontrolled’ burst.
Sam bows his head in embarrassment, giving her a shy smile while scratching the back of his head, letting a low curse escape his mouth. And Colet almost felt guilty for her little outburst. “Gago, kadire.”
Colet sighed. “Sam.” She pleads, almost sounding too frustrated. “Sorry kung umasa ka….kung nabigyan kita ng mixed-signals…pero kasi ito” Colet points in between them. “...is never gonna happen. Emphasis on the never because…” She froze, contemplating whether she should actually tell him her new self-discovery, and by that she means lesbian . “It’s just never gonna happen, okay?”
Sam was almost in tears, rubbing his lower lip in defeat. “Right.” He took a swig of his beer. “Okay, um...I’m just gonna--” He doesn’t even wanna finish his sentence. All he wants is to just….skedaddle, evaporate like vapor.
Kawawang Sam, nabugahan na ng beer, nabasted pa.
Colet had the decency to at least put a hand on him for comfort. “Listen, wala namang problema sa’yo. It’s just that you’re…” a guy and I’m done playing for you team “...too young for my liking. Ang bata bata mo pa. Marami ka pang makikilala.” She hoped it would stick and he would believe her.
“But why?” The boy insists. “You’re hot. I’m hot. We go together like jelly and jam.”
Colet wanted to cringe. “Ay hindi. Okay. Hindi.”
“I just--Nung isang araw, nung tinulungan mo kong mahanap ‘yung auditorium or when you let me borrow your constitution manual, that's just me being...delusional?"
"I was just literally being nice." She deadpans.
Sam was rubbing his mouth. "Tangina, sorry." He apologizes, his eyes shining with tears. "I didn't realize I was making you uncomfortable. This last year's just been difficult. Ever since my dad got diagnosed with cancer, I just feel myself floating around."
He's clearly intoxicated. There is absolutely no way in hell she could tell whether he's saying the truth.
But grief isn't foreign to Colet. She knows loss so well that she just sympathizes.
"I just feel so alone." Sam weeps..
She's never seen a grown man break down in a party before and she doesn't know what to do.
The boy continued to cry and at this point Colet just looks like a complete asshole for allowing this to happen. So she offers him a hug, which he takes in a heartbeat.
"Okay…" Colet mumbles uncomfortably, patting feather touches on his back. Hindi talaga ko para sa’yo, bai. My friend, Stacey Sevilleja, though...now that’s who you wanna get with.” She finished by giving him a wink.
“Sa tingin mo?” Nick pulls away.
“Shoot your shot, big boy.” She pats him right across his chest.
From a distance, a girl with thick glasses was watching the exchange. In one go, she chugs a beer bottle she's not even sure is hers.
And another one.
And another one.
And two more.
Next thing she knows, she's waltzing directly to Colet, feet crossing each other as she walks a wavy line. If she's being honest, she cannot exactly feel her face. Colet catches her just in time before she loses balance.
"Ay, jusko. Buhay ka pa pala!" Colet exclaims, excusing herself from the small crowd she was talking to. "Kanina pa kita hinahanap, Jho. Nasa’n ka ba nagpunta?"
Jhoanna burps, proudly giggling to herself. "Kanina pa rin kita… tinitingnan. " Jhoanna pokes her with her finger.
Colet subtly sniffs the side of her best friend's head as she stumbles in her embrace. Although a wasted Jhoanna is not something that delights her, she enjoys the proximity. It's been so long since they shared a hug. It's craving something for so long and then suddenly having it unexpectedly but better. So better.
"Okay." Colet chuckles. "Pang-uwi ka nang babae ka."
They've done this a thousand times before. Sometimes, it's Colel. Most of the time though, like right now. It's Jhoanna.
"If you don't wanna see me…" The girl extends her hand, pointing her imaginary microphone to Colet and prompting her to continue the song. "Oh come on, don't tell me...you don't--you know this song!"
"Jho, ‘wag mo na kong pahirapa. Lumakad ka ng straight parang awa mo na." Colet tries to hold the drunk girl up and repositions her arm on her shoulder.
Jhoanna snorts. "Straight."
Colet shakes her head. "Wag ka magulo, Tintin." She calls her by her childhood nickname.
Jhoanna tugs her closer, as she slurs. "That's the last thing I wanna do–ang manggulo." She whispers and Colet nearly loses balance as Jhoanna’s breath clings to the side of her face. Jho, stop playing. She tries to downplay the electricity that shocked her entire body when the girl came so close to her.
They almost made it to their shared dorm room without Jhoanna falling from the ground. Although kung nangyari man ‘yun, Colet was quick to pick her best friend up from the floor as she struggled to get her in bed all in one piece.
She places Jhoanna on the mattress with a small thud. And just as she thought, her best friend is completely passed out. Colet shakes her head.
“Ganda ganda mo, pero tanga ka eh no? Hindi mo ba nararamdaman, Jho?." She asks softly. “Kahit konti…wala talaga?”
Colet sits on the mattress, her own body only inches away from the passed out girl. She studies her best friend's features intently, tracing her index finger from the small scar on her eyebrow to her pointed nose before landing on her lips.
She knows each and every single one of her demons by name. From the first moment she met her, she knew she wanted her in her life.
There is an overwhelming swelling in her chest as she fights the urge to just go for it.
So she would stop thinking about how Jhoanna’s lips would feel on her own. So she would stop wondering what if. What if she womaned up and just directly asked her out back then? What if she's over complicating things by acting like she doesn't want her? What if...what if Jhoanna wants her back?
But what if she doesn't?
Is she going to lose her best friend just because she has the biggest crush on her?
Colet fixes her eye on the faint ink on Jhoanna’s forearm.
Number. A phone number.
"Ay pumila ka, bai." She mumbles to herself. She knew she was flirting with the bartender tonight.
A range of possible solutions flood through her mind as the faint sound of Jhoanna’s little snores echo around the room. She debates what to do for a second. Keeping Jhoanna for herself seems to be winning though, by a landslide.
So Colet grabs a wet cloth and a basin. She's just washing and cleaning up Jhoanna. If it fades, it's not her fault.
It faded.
Jhoanna was in a fresh set of pajamas and Colet slept without an ounce of worry in her.
He has wormed himself into Jhoanna’s life.
Into their lives.
How he managed to be the one hugging her, taking her out on dates, making her smile and laugh...Colet doesn't know.
It's all a blur, to be honest.
One day they were sitting in bed watching Prison Break and eating all the junk food in the world, the next Jhoanna’s going out without her, having late nights without her, watching Prison Break and eating all the junk food in the world without her.
Colet sees Jhoanna’s smile whenever her phone would go off in the middle of the night. She hears her silly little love songs in the shower. And Colet puts on a smile. She even tries to laugh when she can whenever Jhoanna retells her his jokes.
And she's okay. She's happy Jhoanna has found her person.
She just sometimes wishes that it shouldn't have caused her hers.
So whenever Jhoanna’s busy giggling to the phone in the middle of the night, she allows herself a single tear or two.
Whatever, his jokes aren't that funny.
Jhoanna screwed up.
She wasn't supposed to give her number to him. But okay, if she's being honest that hug between Colet and that Sam Concepcion guy seemed real. Colet should date him. He's tall, curly, and she heard he's super rich.
She should just date him.
Plus, Nathan makes her laugh.
He's also not that hard to look at. He is no Colet Vergara. That's for sure. But he's….he's okay.
He also cooks well. And he's a gentleman.
But he's still no Colet Vergara.
Jhoanna eyes the doctor carefully. It's so wrong to feel so attacked when Stacie just decided to set Colet up with her cousin at their couple's only weekend at their grandparents’ lodge cabin in Baguio. Talk about a fucking ambush. She knows their friend is only being sensitive to her best friend but she could have at least given her a heads up.
Colet. Not her.
Her best friend looks so awkward with whats-her-face.
Wait, what was her name again? Aria? Aiah?
Jhoanna fights the urge for the third eye roll, crossing her arms and unsubtly tuning in to their conversation.
"Kunwari walang nakakita…" Stacey sings. “Kunwari na lang hindi ko nakita, Jho.”
Jhoanna jumps and turns around to see the devil in charge herself, Stacey Sevilleja. "Ano?"
Stacey raises her eyebrow at her. "Ibigay mo na ‘to kay Col. She looks like she's enjoying her company."
"Oh...kay? I don't know what you're talking about, Staks." She tries, shifting uncomfortably in her seat as she cowers under the tall girl’s scrutiny.
"Okay." Stacey shrugs. A coy Maloi follows in giving her a teasing look.
She doesn’t say a word. Instead, she tries to think bigger. Yes, Stacey is right. Colet looks happy. And so a small ounce of relief washes over her. She gets to sleep tonight knowing she still has her best friend. She glances, and not gazes, and yet she knows exactly just how beautiful Colet’s face glows when the sun is setting before her eyes.
Beautiful.
And as her glances deepened, she couldn’t help but support the idea. Colet is sporting the same glow as in the memories Jhoanna tries to bury deep in her unconscious; the day they both learned how to ride a bike, battle of the bands championships, talking about her dream of becoming record label owner.
She still thinks Aiah doesn't deserve her.
But Stacey’s right. She's not going to take this away from her.
Jhoanna’s leg is bouncing up and down. The cold of the evening getting to her as her bottom lip quivers with the sound of the flickering campfire. She pulls the thick fabric closer to her tiny body as she tunes out to Maloi and Gwen’s recent shopping finds.
They had camped outside Stacey’s parents’ cabin in Baguio. The last time they were here, kasama pa nila si Aiah for a couples weekend only. But now, they’re here because they want to celebrate Jhoanna…and her…upcoming wedding.
She looks over to Colet, and notices the same quivering on the girl’s bottom lip. So she tugs the blanket towards her, offering they make a cocoon. Colet did not think twice, having only her leather jacket as insulation.
Jhoanna snuggles closer to her, her hand automatically soothing morena skin to create some sort of friction. Colet hisses at the contact.
She wants to yell at her for insisting on going camping tonight. Because Jhoanna was firm in opting not to have a bridal shower, but Colet was quick to put her hands on her waist and tell her what kind of maid of honor would she be if she didn't give Jhoanna at least a night out with the girls. Just like old times.
"Gago, Jho. I can't believe you're getting married." Maloi hisses under her breath. “Next time ayus-ayusin ang decision sa life. Maling mali na nag-camping tayo ng ganito kalamig."
Gwen’s arms shot up. "Don't look at me. Idea ni Colet ‘to."
"Ano, mga bata ba kayo?" Colet rolls her eyes.
"I don't know about you guys but I'm going to the comfort of my warm sleeping bag now." Mikha says. "You know, kasi ayoko pang mamatay dahil sa hypothermia."
"Good luck kung makakatulog ka sa lakas ng nginig ng baba ng dalawa na ‘to." Maloi teases.
Jhoanna shakes her head at the girls’ antics. They may have crunchier bones now than before but nothing will ever change between them. It's kind of good they are still making her laugh. It soothes the anxiety of being in one tent with Colet.
They haven't shared a bed since college. Of course she's anxious.
In a way, Jhoanna’s looking forward to it. It's been years since getting over that painful period of her life. She's getting married soon and she wants to be able to say she's completely over Colet Vergara before walking down the altar and saying I do.
"It's getting late guys. I mean, we're not like we were before. I have a strict nine p.m. bed rule. Come on chop chop." Mikha initiates.
There was a collective groan before everyone was picking up their chairs and resigning to their respective tents.
Sheena was snoring in no time.
And Jhoanna…Jhoanna chose Nathan. She chose Nathan years ago. That's why she's beating herself up for being so damn nervous about sharing a tent with Colet. She's getting married to Nathan. She loves Nathan.
She also needs to calm her damn nerves.
"Jho?"
Jhoanna pops her head from her sleeping bag, her eyes trying to adjust into the dark while focusing on finding Colet’s face. "Yeah?"
She could hear the girl shift around so she could curl towards her. Jhoanna’s heart is pounding in her chest, playing a beat she doesn't wanna get lost in. Oh god, help her.
"Gini–Giniginaw ka?"
She feels Colet nod and Jhoanna internally winces at how quick she was to scoot closer to her. She could feel her best friend's warm breath on her face. It was soothing and relaxing, but it didn't stop the rhythm on her pulse.
She isn't thinking clearly. How could she?
Jhoanna puts out her arm for Colet’s head to lay on, and Colet snakes her arm around Jhoanna's waist over the material of the bag. It's full-on cuddling, what they're doing. And a small part of her feels like she's disrespecting all the boundaries she's set carefully and patiently between the two of them throughout the years. But she doesn't mind. Fuck boundaries. Colet doesn't seem to mind either as she nuzzles her face into her neck.
The hairs at the back of her neck saluted the gesture. And she finds herself connecting her forehead to Colet’s. The girl’s hand finds her cheek, rubbing gentle circles with the pad of her thumb.
"Col…"
Colet tugs her closely. Jhoanna closes her eyes. It's going to happen.
God, is Jhoanna so bad that she isn't against this at all?
She's been dying to find out what those lips feel like on her own. Please, just do it.
It didn't happen.
"I--I'm sorry, Jho." Colet pants, like she was suddenly struck by lightning. She was pulling back as fast as can, too. "I didn't mean to. Shit. Tangina. ."
"Col, it's okay…." Jhoanna reassures.
"Fuck, ano ‘yun…shit."
"Col." She calls out, desperate to get her attention. "Listen to me, it's okay."
The girl sits up. And Jhoanna watches as her best friend shakes her head in frustration.
"Can we just...forget about this?" Her head was buried in her hands. “P’wede bang kalimutan lahat ‘to?”
Kalimutan ang ano? That was the most alive Jhoanna has felt in years. It’s as if living the life of a thief—stealing moments like those from someone who hasn't got an engagement ring on her left ring finger.
"Of course." She replies feebly.
"Thank you, Jho. "
And that was all it took. Jhoanna was met with Colet’s back and not a single word was spoken between them all night.
"Liquid courage." She feels the cold material of the flask hit her cold skin. Maloi raises an eyebrow at her. "Mi, sigurado ka bang kaya mong gawin ‘to?"
Colet exhales, taking a swig of what she guesses is Vodka and whatever that was. Who cares anyway. As long as it's blowing off the steam.
"Ilang taon ko nang ginagawa ‘to, Loi." She attempts a smile. "This is it."
The words dragged out carelessly. It's like getting pushed off a cliff. She will never be ready for this day. Not in a million years. But there really isn't any choice. She's watching the love of her life marry someone else.
Colet clutches the piece of envelope tighter, taking another sip from the metal container and wincing at the intensifying taste of the alcohol.
She can do this.
She knocks softly before entering. She knows why she's here. It's to support her best friend on the happiest day of her life. That's why she can feel her self hatred build up even more as she holds back her tears as soon as she sees Jhoanna, hair and make up ready, in her white sleeveless and strapless gown.
She clears her throat to catch everyone's attention.
"Official maid of honor duty." Colet wants to literally gag as she feels no honor in what she's doing. Nothing at all. Still, she hands Jhoanna the small blue envelope.
Colet could feel her heart getting stomped at and kicked over as Jhoanna reads her soon-to-be husband's letter to her.
But she smiles, claps and teases like everybody else because she loves Jhoanna—deeply. She loves Jhoanna more than her desire to be the one walking down the aisle with her today. She won't mess this up.
Jhoanna stands tall before the mirror, adjusting her posture with care. She perfects her smile, twirls gracefully in her delicate gown, and silently rehearses her vows.
She sees Colet’s reflection in the mirror, sees her laughing with Stacey, talking to Mikha, Gwen, Maloi and her father, who's going to walk her down the aisle today.
She remembers prom night, the night she imagined all this happening. How she strategically avoided every possible loophole and she's grateful.
Yes, she is.
Grateful that she gets to stand up in front of everybody and marry a great guy, that she gets to share it with her best friend.
Her best friend. She's still in her life.
They did good.
Colet’s trembling fingers reach over to place her veil over her head, as Jhoanna thinks she's doing a good job ignoring the constant pangs in her chest.
"Jho…ang ganda mo."
Jhoanna gives her a warm smile, taking both of her hands and kissing it gently. "Thank you."
At this point, Colet doesn't know how she's still standing up.
She wants to tell her. Just get it off her chest. So she locks her eyes with her and sees that Jhoanna’s eyes are glistening like a vast ocean ready to overflow any second now.
She will never get over this.
Giving Jhoanna away, like she was ever hers.
She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. She's happy for her person. She is. But it's also so fucking painful. This is the type of pain she will never wish on anyone, not even her worst enemy. And it's like she's drifting in and out of consciousness because Jhoanna is saying something but her headache is drowning out all the sounds.
"Jho…ano?"
The slow music starts but she doesn't seem to catch on. She still puts one foot in front of the other though. And she tried to smile at him as he stood so handsomely at the end of the aisle.
Her father is walking her down the aisle but it's all so blurry.
Beautiful. It's beautiful wedding.
"Breathe, Col." Maloi whispers beside her.
She sighs, thankful she found her way back to earth.
"....Jhoanna and Nathan's closest friends and family, promise their love and marriage in all the days to come? If so, please respond yes. "
And suddenly Colet feels as if the minister is referring to her alone. She feels the bile rise up to her throat. Oh god, vomit. She blinks three times, swallowing whatever that was.
She knew each and every single one of her demons by name. And this is just another one she has yet to slay.
But she's about to.
"....Jhoanna and Nathan, I am honored to stand in front of you…"
"I'm sorry." She whispers to Maloi beside her.
Colet doesn't know how she could muster such energy. And as soon as she stood up, she could immediately feel her knees wobble. All eyes focused on her as she tried to come up with something.
Her knees gave out so she plops back down on her seat. Very few people noticed so the minister carried on.
This isn't her life. It isn't the life that she wants to live–a life not loving Jhoanna. No.
And in one single beat.
"I love you."
She says loud enough to interrupt the minister. And already she feels the guilt rising up to her chest, because Nathan is looking directly at her. Jhoanna’s eyes are filled with tears.
"I love you, Jho." Her voice is now clearer and it resonates around the venue. "From the moment I laid eyes on you. I love you."
Silence.
"And I think you love me too."
Two pairs of heels click on the ground like an arrow and bow as the laughter slowly transitions out in the distance.
All the guests are in awe.
And Colet isn't sure, yet they've got years ahead of them to think, but she thinks--hopes that maybe the story starts and ends with her and Jhoanna all along.