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Chapter Text

She probably started the message half a dozen times. None of the words felt right. More to the point, she couldn't help imagining Miranda and the Illusive Man going over the words with a fine-toothed comb. Kelly claimed that the messages were on Shepard's private terminal, but was anything really private anymore between Shepard and Cerberus?

So she put it aside. It seemed easier to concentrate on everyone else's problems. With a crew like hers, there were plenty of opportunities to do so. But every time she got back to the Normandy, Shepard would read through Kaidan's words again and try to come up with an answer. It always ended the same way: a blank screen and an aching heart.

She missed Kaidan desperately. Seeing friendly faces around her helped, but none of them could quite fill the hole she felt from Kaidan's absence. The moment she heard two years had passed had been a punch to the gut. In Shepard's perspective, no time had passed at all. Reuniting with Garrus, Wrex, Liara, and Tali all gave perspective on those missing years, but it was Kaidan who made it feel truly real. It seemed to Shepard that only a few days ago, the two of them were playfully arguing with each other while Kaidan tried to teach Shepard one of the card games he played while at Brain Camp. It ended with the cards scattered on the floor and the warmth of his body against hers.

Then they saw each other on Horizon. Shepard could measure out the distance between them down to the milimeter. When Kaidan spoke, Shepard could hear all the pain, hurt, confusion, anger, and even longing in his voice. Above everything, that was what made the passage of time real to her. Kaidan used to be so in control, so careful to not cause a scene or draw attention. They talked about him loosening up and no longer holding back, and he'd been slowly doing so. And here he was, finally letting himself express his messy feelings.

It was almost like their roles were reversed. Shepard was now the one struggling with the right words. Wanting to be cautious, not wanting to push, to upset, to disturb. Questioning every word and backing out before she could solidify them. It was easy enough to talk to his picture when she was alone in her cabin—Shepard couldn't decide if she had felt grateful or pissed that someone from Cerberus put it there—but it had always been their way to hash things out face-to-face.

Even the message Kaidan sent to her, as vulnerable as it was, felt lacking. She needed to hear those heavy breaths, the pauses he would take when he needed time to form his next thought, the strength in his voice when he emphasized his words. Maybe that was why forming a response was so hard: at the end of the day, they were just lines on a screen. Shepard needed to talk to him, though that still left her wondering how she could convince him to give her that chance.

Kaidan, I'm on my way to the Citadel. There's a restaurant that claims they serve the best ramen. After living off of military rations, I've found myself craving anything else. If you have, too, meet me there and we can find out if that ramen really is the best.

– – –

The restaurant owner was starting to get annoyed with her. Shepard had been sitting for the past hour without ordering anything. She could tell the owner wanted to chase her off, but was restraining himself because he knew she was a Spectre. It chafed her knowing the Council was sticking their heads in the sand regarding the Collectors, but they had at least offered that olive branch. Shepard figured she was allowed to enjoy the benefits.

She was dressed much more casually than she would prefer, but the only uniform she had available was from Cerberus, and that was definitely not the impression she wanted to give. Then again, neither could Shepard dress up. However she or Kaidan felt about their relationship, it had been two years and it wouldn't be fair to act like that meant nothing. The hoodie she eventually went with at least had the stripes of N7, so she could show the pride of her former status in the Alliance, if nothing else.

“Ramen, Shepard? Really?”

She nearly fell off her chair at the voice. She managed to recover enough to get on her feet and turn to face Kaidan. Now that they weren't standing on a battlefield, Shepard could get a good look at him. The past two years were kind to him. Aside from a few gray hairs, Kaidan looked the same as Shepard remembered him. The Alliance uniform always fit him well, generously showing off his biceps and fitting his body just snug enough to tease at all the other muscle Shepard knew was there.

Shepard reined herself in from following that line of thought too far. But damn, seeing him like this made her feel that two-year dry spell she was forcibly given.

“Kaidan,” she greeted. “Thank you for meeting me.”

“You exploited my weakness,” he said. “How could I resist?”

“It wasn't intentional, I promise. I had no idea you liked this kind of food.”

“That, ah, wasn't exactly the weakness I meant,” he corrected with a faint smile. His eyes met hers and Shepard felt a trickle of warmth flow through her. Those were some tantalizing, promising words.

“Have a seat, Commander,” she invited, emphasizing the title. The smile on Kaidan's lips grew and he let out a soft laugh. He took the offering, and Shepard was pleased that he sat beside her rather than put an empty chair between them.

“It's still strange to hear that.”

“I'm sure you earned it, Kaidan,” Shepard encouraged him. His response was another smile. It had to be a good sign that he was smiling at her, right? Shepard cleared her throat and got the owner's attention. “Could we have two orders of the ramen, please?”

“Finally, an order!” the owner huffed, turning to get the food started.

“I see you're making trouble for the locals, as usual,” Kaidan teased. Shepard bit her lip to keep the words from exploding out of her. See? I haven't changed! I'm the same woman you remember from two years ago! But she knew him too well, and shoving it in his face like that wasn't going to work. Maybe if she matched his teasing instead.

“What do you mean? When have I ever caused trouble?” That got her the response she was hoping for: a laugh. “Seriously, though,” Shepard continued, “I'm glad you're here. I wasn't sure you would be after Horizon.”

“Yeah. Horizon.” Kaidan's smile receded and he let out a sigh. The heaviness following the words was only slightly relieved by the arrival of their food. Kaidan stared at his bowl but didn't reach for it yet. Shepard took hers just to have something to do with her hands.

She kept her eyes on Kaidan, waiting for him to speak as her heart beat anxiously in her chest. Kaidan, meanwhile, was staring into the middle distance. His eyebrows were knitted, his lips pressed together. Shepard knew the expression far too well. She forced herself to be patient and wait for him to work through his thoughts.

“I could have handled that better,” he said at last. “But seeing you after all that time was such a shock. I had a lot of built up anger and hurt, and seeing you... Well.” He glanced over at her. “I don't know if you ever got my message. It was a risk trusting the information I got on how to contact you. For all I knew, Cerberus was screening everything.”

“I got the message,” Shepard assured him. Leave it to Kaidan to think through possibilities and weigh them all out before taking action. It was what she had appreciated about him while he was under her command, and what she grew to love about him once they became intimate. “It's why I invited you here; I wanted to answer your message in person.”

Kaidan let that statement fall into silence. He was thinking it over, re-contextualizing this meeting. Shepard alone, in her N7 hoodie, without a squad flanking her. The restaurant she chose was in a quieter part of the Citadel. She hoped he was understanding her message: I know you, Kaidan.

“I need to make one thing very clear from the start,” Shepard said. “I did not choose to work with Cerberus. I was dead; they just happened to be the ones who had my body.”

“I get that, I do.” Kaidan picked up his chopsticks, examining them with a bemused expression before using them to eat a bite of his ramen. “I was contacted by Liara. She... she told me what happened, how you wound up with Cerberus.”

Shepard made a mental note to drop by and thank Liara for the help. As the new Shadow Broker, Liara probably learned about everything that went down on Horizon—including the confrontation between Kaidan and Shepard.

“That isn't the issue,” Kaidan continued. “It's the fact that they brought you back with their technology. I know you didn't have a choice, Shepard, and that's what scares me. They could have done anything to you, and you wouldn't even know about it.”

“Doctor Chakwas examined me,” Shepard told him. “If you don't want to trust me, then trust her. She says I have some synthetic parts now, but the important parts were untouched.”

Kaidan took in a mouthful of his noodles. Shepard did the same while she waited for him to process.

“It's hard,” Kaidan sighed. “I can't stop thinking about all the terrible things we stumbled across that were from Cerberus. The experiments they ran on the rachni and the Thorian, what they did to Toombs's unit, the settlement on Chasca... They killed an Alliance admiral, Shepard!”

“I know, Kaidan. Believe me, I know. Whatever else they did to me, Cerberus didn't wipe any of those memories away. And even if they did, they can't make me blind to what I've seen since.” This wasn't the time or place to tell him about Jack or David, but suffice it to say, Shepard was very much aware of the sins of Cerberus.

“So then... why?” Kaidan turned to her, eyes pleading. “Why are you still with them? Help me understand this, Shepard. You're telling me that they didn't change you, that you're aware of all they've done, but you're still with them. You're still using their resources, their money, their people. And for what? Just because they're going after the Collectors? I know the old Earth saying that 'the enemy of my enemy is my friend'—hell, even the krogan believe in it. But... I don't know, Cerberus has never proven itself as acting in anything more than self-interest.”

“I don't have any other options, Kaidan,” Shepard argued. “I've looked for them. I tried pleading with the Council, I tried pleading with Anderson. Admiral Hackett is only willing to acknowledge me enough to not get in the way. I've been reinstated as a Spectre, but I can only throw that weight around so far. Like it or not, I need resources, money, and people in order to stop the Collectors. And Cerberus is the only one willing to foot the bill.”

If it was just her, it would be a different story. She would have dumped Cerberus on day one if she could. But she had Joker and Doctor Chakwas to think about. Not to mention Kenneth, Gabby, and Kelly. Shepard didn't know those three as well, but they were still innocents. Kenneth and Gabby were only on the ship because of Shepard; they said it themselves. Shepard couldn't just abandon them.

“What the hell am I supposed to do, Kaidan?” Shepard leaned forward, feeling close to desperate. “Please. Just tell me what I have to do.”

Kaidan stared back at her. God, she forgot how beautiful his eyes were. They were a light hazel, so warm and gentle, impossibly full of kindness. Shepard had seen the way they darkened in moments of intimate passion, smoldering with heat that seeped into her bones. She'd seen them focused in battle. When he spoke of Cerberus, his eyes sharpened like a knife. But no matter how angry or hurt he felt, Kaidan would never hurt her.

Shepard would do what he asked of her, anything he asked, if it meant getting him to believe in her again.

“Shepard.” Kaidan's voice shifted to a gentler tone. He reached for her hand and she thoughtlessly twined their fingers together. His skin felt so comforting with its warmth. Shepard didn't realize how much she craved that warmth from him. She knew biotics ran a little hotter than regular humans, but it felt different when it was Kaidan.

“Shepard,” he said again, so tenderly it made her heart ache. “What's wrong?”

She opened her mouth, hesitating. She hadn't planned on telling him how much closer they were to finishing this mission. Ever since finding the Reaper IFF, she had been stalling. First it was because the team didn't feel completed. Then, once they were, Shepard had to make sure everyone was prepared to go into the relay. Taking care of unfinished business, as Jacob had put it. Shepard had to admit to herself that Kaidan was her unfinished business, and that she was hoping she was his.

“I miss you.” Her voice threatened to crack on the last word. “I have Garrus and Tali with me, and I can go see Wrex and Liara whenever I want. But they aren't you. I'm sorry for suggesting you join me back on Horizon. I... I guess my emotions got the better of me. I wanted you with me so badly I wasn't thinking of the implications.”

“I understand.” Both of them had forgotten the ramen by now. The restaurant owner gave them irritated looks before taking the abandoned bowls away. “It's safe to say neither of us were thinking straight. The attack, the colonists being abducted, the adrenaline from the fight...” Kaidan let out a heavy sigh. “Yeah. Wasn't the greatest atmosphere for a reunion.”

“You were always the master of the understatement,” Shepard teased him. That won her a brief smile before Kaidan turned serious again. “I wanted to contact you,” she assured him. “I asked Anderson about you when I first got to the Citadel. He wouldn't give me your information.”

“I know that now,” he confirmed. “I confronted him about it not long after the incident on Horizon. I know he was doing what he thought was best, but I wasn't happy about it.” Shepard took a moment trying to imagine the conversation. Basing it on how Kaidan let her have it, she suspected Anderson got an earful and then some. A petty part of her thought he deserved it, just a little.

“I sense you're still unsure,” Shepard spoke up. “Now I need you to help me understand this. I feel like we've gone over every concern you had. Is there something I can do to clear up your black rain cloud? Maybe, I don't know, something you've been putting off that we can do together? Something I can help you with?”

That wasn't very subtle, but Shepard was feeling desperate. Kaidan stared at her, eyebrows knitted in thought.

“That's the second time you asked if you could do something for me,” he noted. He shifted a little closer into her space. “Something's wrong, I know it. Talk to me.”

It was so bittersweet, having him know her well enough to sense her turmoil. Shepard swallowed and leaned into him, almost close enough for their foreheads to touch. After Horizon, she felt a dull ache in her body from want of him. It was something bearable that could be stifled by pushing herself to the next mission.

But now, having him only inches away from her, the ache built to a painful degree. She wanted to knock down the invisible wall between them caused by the two years she spent under Cerberus's knife. She wanted his warmth, the gentle tingle of his touch when he lit up from his biotics, the shock of their lips connecting as the static build from his implant was discharged. She wanted him, and not just because she needed the release of tension or had gone too long without intimacy... though physically she was feeling the effects of both those things.

No, she wanted Kaidan Alenko for all that he was. Even the parts that were sometimes very frustrating.

“Kaidan,” she began carefully. “How do you feel about getting out of here?”

Chapter Text

He dreamed about the Normandy again. No, more like a nightmare. The same one that haunted him for the past two years. Kaidan used to see it every night, the images becoming less and less frequent until finally he thought they had been laid to rest. Until he saw Shepard standing there on the surface of Horizon. Seeing her resurrected so many things that had been dormant inside him. He was being ripped apart all over again: hurt, anger, confusion, loss, pain. And the nightmare came that evening.

He sat in the escape pod with the other members of the crew watching the Normandy get destroyed by the unknown ship. Kaidan couldn't help the scream that escaped him. It was all he could do to keep his biotics in check and not explode, too. It wasn't until they were picked up by the Alliance and he reconnected with Joker that Kaidan got the full story, which helped supply more visuals to his nightmare.

As the highest ranking officer, Kaidan couldn't even fully mourn for a long time. Not until the Alliance reassigned everyone and Kaidan was temporarily relieved of responsibility. Even then, he took his time, starting with Pressly and gradually making his way down the line of names. Shepard was the last. Kaidan hadn't wanted to mourn her. In those first few months, a part of him kept thinking that surely it wasn't real. That he would wake up and find her next to him. It took him a long time to let go of that, even longer to cave to his friends' demands that he go out with someone else.

And all this time she'd been out there somewhere, with Cerberus. And nothing made sense anymore.

Kaidan knew that his reaction to seeing her had more to do with emotions than logic. It wasn't like him; he always weighed things out in his mind, taking the time to examine all the angles. Shepard called him her “head” advisor for a reason. But a consequence of letting himself loosen up and not be so controlled was dumping out all his messy feelings at Shepard's feet. It was a knee-jerk, and once Kaidan thought through it he could articulate himself much more calmly.

Shepard sent him a message that he read over a dozen times before responding. He could see it as a door inviting him to walk through. It would be easy enough for him to ignore, but he couldn't. He always had time for her.

It was hard, though. So damn hard to be around her and not slip right back into how they used to be. Teasing her, laughing along with her, confiding in all the thoughts that bounced around in his head. It was so damn easy to be around Shepard. The whole galaxy knew it, but Kaidan felt it on a personal level beyond what the galaxy knew. Shepard wasn't just the hero of the Citadel or the captain of the Normandy; she was his friend, his partner, and even before they became a couple he felt comfortable just being by her side.

Being around her again made him understand the meaning of the word “bittersweet” in a way he hadn't grasped before. Her face, her voice, the way she laughed and smiled, even the way she held her body when she sat was all the same. But Kaidan could not stop thinking about the two years he spent thinking she was dead, or the Cerberus shadow looming over her.

Kaidan listened to everything she had to say and asked all the questions that had been on his mind since Horizon. Everything she said made sense.

“Is there something I can do to clear up your black rain cloud?” she asked him. She leaned close to him, eyes widened, voice trembling. Seeing her control slip was alarming. They were a lot alike, in that way: keeping themselves in check, though for different reasons. “Maybe, I don't know, something you've been putting off that we can do together? Something I can help you with?” She reached for his hand and squeezed hard.

Alarm bells went off in Kaidan's head. He hadn't seen her this scared or vulnerable since Ilos.

“Something's wrong, I know it.” Kaidan squeezed back, fixing Shepard in his gaze. “Talk to me.”

– – –

There weren't many places in the Citadel where they were guaranteed privacy. Even the quieter parts of the Presidium might have the occasional foot traffic. Eventually Kaidan led them to the apartments and tested doors until one of them opened. They stepped inside, the door closing behind them.

“So,” Kaidan began. “What's going on?”

“You know what's going on,” she said, pressing her fingers to her forehead. She swept them up into her hair, and Kaidan looked away. He remembered how it felt to move his own fingers through Shepard's hair, tucking the strands behind her ear or sweeping them away from her neck. “You know I have to stop the Collectors.”

“And you will,” Kaidan told her. “You'll find a way.”

“Yeah.” Shepard's lips twitched in an attempt at a smile. “I did find a way. But it's... it's not good, Kaidan. It's...”

“Like Ilos?” he finished for her.

“Worse.” Shepard crossed her arms and leaned against the wall. She dropped her head with a tired sigh. “I didn't want to talk about this with you, but you deserve to know.” Shepard lifted her gaze again, sorrow in her eyes. “We might not make it back, Kaidan.”

The words weighed down on him. As soldiers, it was always a possibility that the next mission might be their last. After Shepard defeated Saren, it was a lot harder to imagine her being taken down. But she had been, and now she was telling him it might happen again. Kaidan shut his eyes and tried to breathe. Just the thought of losing her again made him want to unleash all his biotic power and let it break everything it touched. The destruction would pale in comparison to how he would feel.

“Live,” he said at last.

“What?”

“Live, Shepard.” Kaidan opened his eyes again. He knew it was a mistake even as he did it, but he reached out for her. She stepped closer, looking at him with a wary expression. He could tell she wanted to touch him, but was unsure if it was welcomed.

He could understand her hesitance. He was feeling the same way. Every second they were together destroyed the months Kaidan spent getting over her. But he hadn't gotten over her, not deep in his soul. All those feelings resurfaced, bruised and bent from the two years he spent without her. He had it the wrong way around on Horizon: she was the one who stayed the same while he had changed. It was the unavoidable consequence of time.

“You asked what you can do for me,” Kaidan said. “You can live through this. Please.” The last word came out as little more than a breath. “Live,” he urged her, “and tell me the moment you complete the mission.”

“That's all?” Shepard sounded surprised. He couldn't help the soft laugh.

“Don't you think that's enough, Shepard?”

“Doesn't feel that way.”

“It is,” he insisted. “It's everything.” He already exposed how it made him feel to lose her. If she was really the same woman he used to know, she would understand.

“Kaidan.” Her voice caressed his name softly. Finally she rested a hand on his chest. It was a simple pressure but it spread through him. He could count on one hand how many people got this close to him, and the number shrank when he thought of how many touched him. God, he missed it. “You're not worried I'm a tool of Cerberus?”

“I am,” he argued. There was no point in denying otherwise. “But I'm more worried that I'll never see you again. So if you could just do this one thing for me and live, we'll figure out the rest later.”

“Okay,” Shepard agreed.

Kaidan wet his lips. He ached, heart and body. He took in a shaky breath and let it out slowly, moving away from Shepard's touch. It never got any easier to step away from her.

But what else could he do?

Chapter Text

Making snap decisions was a comfortable place for Shepard. She lived in the moment, facing consequences later. Even when she fought against Saren two years ago, Shepard jumped straight into the action. She felt very out of her element going into the Collector base. All the risks and potential outcomes were already laid out in front of her. There was nothing from her career that compared, and no amount of training prepared her.

She could feel the ticking clock of her captured crew members, but she could also feel the heartbeats of the twelve people standing by her side. She needed to slow herself down enough to think of the best way of getting everyone out alive.

And herself, too. Shepard still couldn't believe that was all Kaidan asked of her. It felt far too simple. The more she thought of it, though, the more Shepard realized that no one ever made such a request before. It was something she couldn't let herself dwell on for too long. If she did, the significance of it would overwhelm her. Easier to think of it as another mission to complete.

If there was one thing Shepard was good at, it was completing missions.

Later, Shepard went to her captain's quarters and sat, her whole body shaking from the adrenaline. Her muscles were coiled tight, her skin tingling, her heart still racing. She watched her fish swim around in their aquarium. She would need to thank Kelly for diligently feeding them. Just watching them made the tightness ease.

She turned her attention away from the tank and headed to her private terminal. Joker's decision to unshackle EDI was unconventional, to say the least, but at least Shepard felt no hesitation in typing up a message. She even knew the right words to use.

Kaidan, I wanted you to be the first to know: I'm alive. We went in, kicked Collector ass, and punched our way back home.

She left it at that. She had so much more to say, but she didn't want to push him. When they first started flirting, Kaidan always left a way out. He asked if she wanted to continue, and made it clear he would back off she didn't. Shepard would do the same for him. Though she still couldn't wrap her mind around the fact that they'd been apart for two years, that didn't make it any less true.

She couldn't keep hoping for ways to make Kaidan trust her or be on her side. She was desperate when she begged him for that chance. Honestly, she should have known better than to try. There was no feat she could perform that would work. There was nothing she could do.

She just needed to be, and trust Kaidan to know it was her.

– – –

His terminal chimed to let him know he received a new message. Kaidan had been keeping himself busy since saying goodbye to Shepard on the Citadel. He was anxious, restless, wrestling between fear and hope, uncertain how he would feel regardless of the outcome. He approached his terminal, heart pounding, and opened the message.

She's alive.

He could almost hear her voice speaking the words. She would have a smug tone in her voice. Kaidan smiled imagining it. As if the legend of Commander Shepard needed to get any bigger.

His smile faded a bit as he pondered on what to do now. After they parted ways, he spent a lot of time agonizing over his decision. Doing what he felt was right never led to a smooth road for him. If he lost her... No, he spent two years working through that pain already. He wouldn't be able to bear it this time.

But now she made it out the other side. She made good on her promise to contact him. Kaidan could sense that open door waiting for him to step through. He had been a part of many hard calls during his years of service, but this one was going to be the toughest.

He could open his heart to her again. Let the two of them work through the years of separation and the challenges that came from Cerberus's involvement. Kaidan wasn't sure he was ready for that. The uncertainties weighed too heavily on his mind. But Cerberus and death weren't enough to make him stop caring about her, either. No matter how long he let it mull over in his thoughts, that truth would remain.

Maybe that could be enough to start with.