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He knew what he felt when he first saw her.
Hijikata, for the millionth time, pictures in his mind a young woman with a pretty face, brown hair and V-shaped bangs that’s as if Sorachi Hideaki really intended to make it look like his. There’s her—the kind and gentle lady who wore a beautiful smile as he walked away while pulling her younger brother, Sougo, in his hold to attend a sparring session. Kondo and the rest of the group were waiting in the dojo.
It was a moment that even with his aging mind, would never erase from his memory.
The very next day, he got to know her name. Mitsuba, a name so fitting for a lovely maiden. With that angelic aura and the kind of light she had in her face is incomparable. No one’s her equal, not even the younger-looking girls that he sees in the countryside. There’s nothing that captured him instantly as she did; like a pathetic spider looking at the bright, full moon.
Every time he visited their house to pick-up Sougo, Hijikata knew in his heart he looked forward to seeing her. Not that he’ll do anything about it anyway. But eventually, everyone knew there’s something happening between the two of them, including Sougo. That boy really did everything he could to keep his sister away from him, who’s known for being a bastard.
And somehow, he understood that.
He also knew it’s not possible for someone like him to be with someone like her. That’s not just that: to be with her.
To be with someone named Mitsuba Okita means they have to be her younger brother, be their only family, their main support, and their home.
To sit beside her means they have to provide everything just to make her happy and content with the limited time that was given to her.
And oh, her soul deserves only the good things that this world could bring. It means it excludes him in the picture. Not even getting stuck to the friendship route would save that. Especially after what happened one autumn twilight.
At that time, Hijikata didn’t know that Mitsuba felt the same way as him. Of course, there’s a moment of pure bliss rushed through his entire being. To be loved by the person he’s secretly in love with was never in his wildest dreams.
Still, Hijikata knew this wasn't what he wanted.
If only he could give everything to and for her, he definitely would in a heartbeat. Except that in exchange for her peace and safety, he let himself out of her life. For he pledged his life to live the way of the warrior.
He believes that a beautiful flower doesn't belong in a desert land.
Shortly after her confession and his cold as ice response, he started a new life in Edo with the rest of Shinsengumi. In his mind, he’s ready to face the new world with his comrades. In his soul, to protect his oath as a samurai is a lifetime commitment. In his heart, she’ll stay.
Leaving the very place where he met the people he cared about… Leaving Mitsuba… The more it killed him inside, the more he avoided looking back to get a glimpse of her face.
Not long after, he was appointed as the Vice Commander, although Sougo was also eyeing the position and tried countless times to get rid of him.
In the following years, he granted what he wished for her. Even without knowing what she could’ve said nor done to not let it happen.
Not even once Hijikata saw or heard her. He would be lying if he said he never hid on purpose. He just unintentionally gathered some news from Yamazaki, who never fails to complain about the red, hot crackers that she sent for everyone. Whether it’s about Mitsuba’s condition getting better or worse, or when she met a kind man back in the province, who eventually intended to marry her. There was no further information after that, but it didn't matter anyway.
As long as she’s got someone, a man who will protect her. Every bit of love possible that an evil person as him cannot give.
It’s just funny that in her last moments, those were also taken away from her.
Visiting someone’s grave was never new for him. Losing his older brother was his first heartbreak. While his first act of selfishness was when he lost her.
He mourned when he didn’t take the chance to be with her. It got even more real when she passed away and there’s a hundred chances it will stay like that.
Out of respect, he still attended the funeral. Kondo, who she considered as her older brother, accommodated the attendees, though one can easily tell how much he cried by the look of his eyes. The members of the Shinsengumi were present, some even tried to lighten up the atmosphere by eating the remaining spicy senbei brought to them days ago. Sougo, the only family left, was able to express his gratitude in the ceremony. Though he didn’t shed a tear during his speech, it’s evident there how much he misses his older sister.
After they buried her remains, the next few days were a blur. But thanks to Yamazaki, he reported to him the remaining task operations needed to be accomplished. Screw whatever they did during those times. What’s important is that the Shinsengumi prevented another Jouishishi-related activity. As well as for that other thing:
Touma Kuraba, who’s a prick of an exploiter, is as good as dead.
Truth be told, Hijikata never liked Mitsuba’s fiancé. Kuraba may be a proper-looking man and wealthy on top of that, but him posing as a likable man ticked him off from the start. Maybe that’s just how fellow demons sense each other. Both of them went their own ways, leaving the same poor woman alone, while battling against her illness.
But unlike him, that son of a bitch could’ve been luckier. He never got to hold her as much as that guy did.
How many dates did they go before their engagement?
When did they have their first kiss?
Have they gone farther than those?
There might have been other things they’ve done, and he can’t imagine it longer much to his disappointment. Besides, he’s not allowed to get jealous. Ever.
As said thoughts come by, Hijikata finally reached his destination that day.
After a year, he’s finally back in Bushuu. The time he’ll get to visit there is always around autumn. The time when leaves start to fall. The season when he fell in love.
Being a busy man, Hijikata would rarely take a day-off. Unless he gets scolded by Kondo for doing overtime so often, he might never think of anything else besides work. That, and his addiction to mayonnaise and nicotine.
But for today, he’ll repent about everything that he had with Mitsuba.
Immediately after he got off the train, he went to a flower shop nearby the town market and bought the akizakura (cosmos) flowers, with pink and white arrangement. It mainly reminded him of her kimono and how graceful she looked. Then went to get her favorite spicy foods, some other needed materials like water and incense for her gravestone.
From there, it only took a while to walk towards the cemetery. As expected, the town seemed peaceful as fewer residents were around outside. On his way, no one could recognize him, which is always a good thing considering the reputation he had back then.
And in every other place where they hung out, restaurants they went in together with Kondo and Sougo, in the Okita’s residence where everything started, and where he tried to end it, there were bits of remembrance that he found, and it felt pleasant.
Although it caused her more pain than anyone could imagine, he hoped this place was her solace ever since. Even so, no matter where they grow, beautiful flowers wilt when they’re left alone.
Well, how about that. Talk about his selfish ways that gave her only suffering.
If only she’s still alive, things might’ve been different. Not just for her, but for him too.
One year ago, he was here. And along with her, half of his heart was buried under.
When a beautiful flower has wilted, it will never come back to life again. People prefer to throw it away and bury it in the ground. People would forget it lived once above them. People continue to seek for another chance to convey the words “I love you” no matter if it would belong to anyone else.
However, it’s unfortunate for him. And now that she’s gone, he’s carrying memories all so bittersweet and beyond compare.
At first, Hijikata hesitated to put down the flowers in front of her gravestone. He wanted to imagine that he could face her after all these years, as if she’s still alive. So, he put down everything he’s carrying and started to light his cigarette. He only bought one pack and as he smoked a stick, he looked up at the calm sky. As he got a couple of puffs, he bowed his head and faced the gravestone.
For once, the demon knew it’s almost time for him to pour his heart out. He said with a sad smile, “I tried to walk away, thinking it’s the only way for us both to have a more peaceful life. Yet here I am. You’ve been gone for a while, but this love surely won’t fade away.”
She never got to hear anything from him. It’s the same case for him now. For someone who’s a coward like Hijikata, regret and his unspoken feelings will always come back rushing.
Such a sad, beautiful love will haunt him for the rest of his life.