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Jon doesn't know when his feelings about Martin had changed. Those glances Martin would give him, and the care he saw on tha man's face never went unnoticed. He always saw them, and chose to use it as fuel for the rage in his heart.
Maybe it was staying with Georgie that changed it. He was back in the archives, like nothing happened but it did happen, and he knows that.
He knows that based on the pity he sees on Martin's face, and the anger he sees in Tim's eyes. And he can't ignore the new staff to the archives, replacing Sasha, causing the 3 to have their hearts ripped out.
Jon really didn't understand how the flame that burned in his chest when he saw Martin, wasn't anger but something else. Something pulling him in, intertwining him with Martin. Like a spider web connecting them, a single fragile web that could break just as fast.
But he noticed the pit in his stomach when he realized he might not make it out tonight. He realized when he told Martin to record his statement before leaving, that pit grew larger, eating his chest and taking him over. He hesitated but turned his back on him, and walked out.
As he walked up the stairs he reached for his lighter, tracing his fingers on the web design as he walked out of the institute, cold air washing over his flushing face. He certainly didn't realize he was blushing until the cold air cooled him down.
He never realized until it was too late. Just like with Martin.
He let his back fall against the wall. Searching for his cigarettes, and fumbling with the cardboard that stood between him and some sort of relief. He didn't realize Tim had followed him outside until he was standing next to him. Typical.
Jon stared up at Tim, rolling his cigarette between his fingers lightly. Tim just looked at the cloudy sky and pulled his jacket closer to his chest, so Jon did the same.
He took a sigh of relief as he looked at the sky, trying to forget the ache that burns in his chest right now, one that pulled him to the Man that sat downstairs.
"You should tell him, boss." Tim finally spoke. His tone as flat as ever, eyes still fixed on the vast gray sky.
"Excuse me?" He asked, glancing over at him, cigarette dropping to his side.
"You know exactly what I mean" Tim finally made eye contact for the first time, and Jon could almost see a flame burning behind them.
"I really don't" Jon said, breaking the dangerous eye contact, laying his head back and putting the cigarette between his lips, but he could still feel the heat within Tim. If circumstances were different maybe he could've enjoyed that heat, but not in this lifetime.
"You've always been so stubborn. It's aggravating that you can't seem to know something unless it is told to you." Tim sputtered out, his voice burning a hole into Jon's head.
"What am I supposed to say to that Tim?"
Jon said, eyes locked on this cloud that passed over the moon.
"Before you compel me into saying it, I'll just tell you." Tim said angrily.
"Go ahead" Jon breathed out, mind completely disconnected from the situation, it was like he could see his own body, looking down on himself. He could almost see Martin downstairs, still talking into his tape recorder.
"I saw the way you looked at him. Tonight, and for the last however many weeks you've been back." Tim gestured to the sky and leaned forward, towering over Jon. Which pulled Jon away from Martin downstairs and back into his body.
" I don't know what you mean." He whispered, bowing his head to hide his face from the man beside him.
"I may hate you Jon, but I don't hate Martin, and if you'd take your head out of your arse for once you'd notice the way you two look at each other. "
Tim was now standing with his arms crossed and leaning against the wall, eyes burrowing inside Jon's skull.
Jon didn't respond, he couldn't help but wince at this, he saw the way Martin looked at him but he didn't want to. So he ignored them and shoved any unwanted feelings away, burying them below statements.
"So you should tell him, before you leave him, maybe forever." Tim finally dropped his hands and hid his burning palms in his pockets.
"Do you plan on surviving this?" Jon asked, meeting Tim's eyes that burned with something else, sadness.
"Probably not boss." He said, exhaling one final burning breath. His face flashed with something Jon knew as exhaustion before a grim smile replaced it.
"Need a light?" Tim asked, flicking a lighter and holding it out to Jon.
Jon smiled too, mimicking the one plastered on Tim's face. He missed when the smiles were genuine and the shit eating grin that he normally would be looking at Jon with. Instead it was a hollow empty smile, one with no emotions behind it, not even anger.
In another life. He thought as he leaned forward and lit the cigarette still between his lips. He took a deep breath and released it, watching it blow away in the wind.
"Don't think, act on it." Tim muttered before closing the lighter, and taking one deep breath and turning around.
"See you inside Jon." Tim said finally before walking away, leaving Jon shivering in the cold air.
He did notice the affection that still dripped from Tim's voice, even with his anger and harsh words to him, there was still some part of Tim that still cared. It was just buried under everything that had happened. Jon understood that feeling.
He finished his cigarette and put it on the wall behind him, leaving a black mark on the side of the institute's brick wall. He felt slightly vindicated and prideful that even if he died, that mark would still be there.
That's when he realized that he could do that with Martin as well, leaving a mark on him before possibly not coming back to make things right.
He breathed in a new confidence, one that pulled him forward, but this time he didn't stop it. He walked down the stairs and into the archives.
It was almost time to go, he knew that when he saw Tim staring at him with a bag on his shoulder. The others had all passed him on the stairs.
"Let's go Jon, we have a show to catch." Tim said, eying his reaction.
"I know, just give me a minute." Jon said, begging Tim to let him do something, anything to not let him leave before talking to Martin.
Tim just nodded at him, and walked up the stairs. Jon called for Martin, something he'd done many times before but this time was different, there was a time limit.
Martin rushed around the corner with a confused smile, a red flush noticeable in his cheeks. Tim really was right, he should have paid attention to the way Martin looked at him, but now that's all he can focus on.
"Oh Jon! I thought you left already. Is there something you forgot or…?" Martin trailed off as he saw Jon's eyes and the urgency that was spread across his face.
"Yes, I forgot to do this." Jon didn't need anything to pull him this time. He knew exactly what he was doing, and he wouldn't let this chance pass him by.
He walked forward and gently touched Martin's face. He felt the skin heat up beneath his fingers. He memorized the way Martin looked this close, so he could die knowing what he could have had if he had just been less stubborn.
"Jon, what are you doing?" Martin asked with a nervous giggle. The eye contact was heavy, reminding him of the fleeting memories of joy with Martin. Laughing and eye contact as they ate lunch together, or the calm silence as they drank tea on break.
"Leaving you a goodbye gift." Jon whispered, millimeters away from Martin's lips. He closed his eyes and kissed him. It was quick, but long enough for Jon to be wrapped with Martin's arms. He took one more second to memorize the feeling of Martin's lips before ripping himself away and out of the man's grasp.
"Goodbye Martin." Jon said before leaving him, and following Tim up the stairs. He met up with everyone outside and Tim was the only one that actually looked at him.
Tim's face was firm but softened slightly when he saw how red Jon's face was, and a small smile passed his lips that quickly faded back to a hardened expression. The 'I told you so' went unsaid.
"Good Job, boss" the remaining bits of affection seeping through the cracks in the walls Tim had built.
That was the last thing Jon remembers Tim saying to him. Those words accompanied with a hidden smile, sending an aching into Jon's chest. He shoved that down with his other emotions and moved forward.
Now Jon was in a hospital, and he could see everything but couldn't move.
He saw the doctors come in and do something and leave him alone.
Sometimes Martin would stop by, eyes red with tears. He always wanted to reach out and wipe them away but his arm wouldn't cooperate. He was forced to watch, just as the eye wanted, the Ceaseless Watcher, which Jon was now undoubtedly connected to.
He often wondered when Tim would stop by, but he knew that answer. Never, he never wanted to survive and he knew he wouldn't be visiting him. Jon knew he wouldn't survive this, but now he wanted to, he wish he did survive, just so he never saw tears on Martin's face.
He saw Georgie come in but her dried tears didn't rip his heart out as Martin's did. It tugged at that invisible string connecting them, he knew Martin felt it too. He just had to remember Martin's lips on his, and how he seemed to perfectly fit in Martin's arms.
He didn't hear what was being said, the voices all turned to static in his ears. His feeling was gone, he watched his body from above for months. Only ever focusing on Martin's actions, and the statements he occasionally brought in. He wished it helped but he didn't think anything would anymore.
The only words Jon heard were the final one Martin said. Martin came in after taking a phone call. His face looked pale and he watched as Martin walked over to his face, eyes filling with tears as he leaned over the edge of the bed.
"A goodbye gift." He whispered and placed a light kiss on Jon's lips. Jon immediately was pulled back into his body, long enough to feel a cold tear fall onto his cheek. He watched through all seeing eyes as Martin walked out.
He wiped his tears off with his jumper sleeve and said one more thing before leaving for the last time.
"Goodbye Jon." The door shut behind Martin and at that moment the thin web that was wrapped around them was broken. Two hearts shattered at the same time. Leaving Jon trapped motionless in a hospital bed.
He knew it was a matter of time now before he would wake up. He knew he would get to actually wake up and tell Martin.
He was going to wake up in time right?