Work Text:
The first time Jay meets Jungwon, it’s in a dance class.
“That’s good Jungwon! Keep it up!”
From across the room, Jay glances up to see their dance teacher ruffle the hair of a small guy. This person couldn’t be taller than Jay’s shoulder, his frame quite thin- but he has a really round chubby face, Jay notices. It’s someone he hasn’t spoken to at all since he first started dance classes here 2 weeks ago.
But then again, Jay hasn’t spoken to anyone yet.
He's only 10 years old, so his social skills are still pretty underdeveloped, just like the rest of him. Jay doesn’t think much about it though, mostly distracted by thoughts of the newest anime he's watching or what food he might have later that night.
It’s only when Jungwon’s mom, being the social butterfly that she is, introduces herself to Jay’s mom and invites them over for dinner and movie nights, that Jay first speaks to Jungwon.
“Your name is…”
“Jungwon,” he replies in a small voice, rocking back and forth slightly on his feet. They’re in Jungwon’s bedroom after being ushered there by their parents to play some games. Jungwon’s older sister is there too, sitting on her bed, watching.
Jay looks around nervously. “Right. I knew it was Jungwon. Yep.” He starts biting his nails, a habit his mother continuously scolds him for. He sweeps his eyes around the room again- dimly lit, with glowing sticker planets and stars on the ceiling.
It’s really pretty. Jay wants it in his bedroom, too.
“I like your ceiling,” he blurts out, jabbing his thumb upwards in the air. “It’s cool.”
Jungwon’s large eyes light up, a toothy grin appearing on his face. He puffs his tiny chest out a little. “Thanks. I bought it. With my own pocket money.”
Jay nods vigorously. “It’s really cool.” He really wants to be friends now, and Jungwon seems cool, so he asks,
“– do you have any games?”
Bobbing his head up and down eagerly, Jungwon quickly invites Jay to choose a game to play. Jungwon’s older sister eventually joins them, and they continue playing late in the night until their parents force them apart, saying they’ll ‘come back next week’.
By their front door, Jungwon smiles shyly, hiding between the legs of both his parents. He gives a small wave. “Bye-bye.”
Lifting his hand to a salute, Jay halts in his tracks to face Jungwon.
“Bye!”
~~~~~ ♾ ~~~~~
They meet the next week. And the week after that. And the week after.
These regular gatherings, both in dance classes and with their families, slowly bring Jay and Jungwon closer together. Closer, in the sense that they have fun playing games together. But they don’t go beyond that- still too young, still too awkward, to ask anything more. In that sense, they just become more familiar with each other, learning about each other through their parents' conversations and interactions.
“Which middle school are you applying to, Jungwon?” Jay’s mother asks kindly one day, leaning forward in her chair. Both families are at Jay’s house again for dinner, having picked up both their children from dance class.
“Um, we were thinking,” Jungwon starts, eyes darting back and forth between his parents. “I was thinking of going to Jamsil Middle School.”
Jay swallows his food, choking on it slightly in his rush to speak. “That’s where I’m applying to, too!”
Jungwon’s eyes round to him, wide and blinking. “Really?”
“Yep!” Jay hasn’t felt this excited in some time. Fingers drumming the tables, he continues eagerly, “We can put each other’s names on the form as people we know? So, they might put us in the same homeroom!”
“Okay,” Jungwon nods with a smile. “That would be cool.”
Jay grins back.
~~~~~ ♾ ~~~~~
They don’t end up in the same class. Jay feels a pang of disappointment as he scans his class list, realizing that Jungwon’s name is absent. It might’ve been because he accidentally put "Kim Jungwon" instead of "Yang Jungwon" on the form (he never asked his last name, so you can’t really blame him), but at least they’re at the same school.
Jay doesn’t see Jungwon at all for the rest of the day, staying in his homeroom with the rest of his classmates, trying to get to know them better. They all seem pretty nice, and Jay naturally approaches people like it’s second nature, making a couple of new friends by the end of the day.
It’s only when they’re sitting side-by-side on their school bus back home, does Jay see Jungwon again.
“What did you do, today?”
Jay bounces in his seat, eyes sparkling as he waits for Jungwon to answer.
“We had loads of introductions,” Jungwon starts, fiddling with his backpack strap. He faces the front, not directly looking at Jay. “It was kinda scary. My homeroom teacher is a bit scary as well, but I think the other students are nice.”
There’s a pause. The bus rumbles in the background, jolting slightly with each bump.
“What about you?”
Jay hums, thinking back on his day. “It was good! We also had loads of introductions- did you know that a guy in my homeroom also came from America? I tried to speak to him in Japanese though because he said he lived there for a bit and also-”
He pauses to catch his breath. There’s a quiet creak as Jungwon shifts in his seat, turning to face Jay more directly.
“- because I learnt Japanese from watching anime, which is a recommended way of learning languages- it might not be actually- but I don’t think I’m very good yet, as I couldn’t understand what he was saying sometimes and- oh, right- I might be rambling-”
Jay looks over at Jungwon in slight embarrassment, flashing an awkward grin. Jungwon, on the other hand, has a strange expression on his face. One corner of his mouth is lifted into a small smile, as if finding Jay somewhat entertaining or amusing, shaking his head slightly from side to side.
“It’s okay.”
He settles back into his seat, facing the front again.
They don't talk much after that, conversation tapering off. Jay chews his lip, wanting to say something more, but not really knowing what else to say. It stays like that for the next couple of weeks, short conversations punctuating the background rumble of the bus, tapering off with Jay’s rambles. But with each conversation, Jay notices Jungwon gradually opening up, sharing bits of details about himself here and there, interjecting and adding to Jay’s speeches.
Oh! I like singing too!
Hmm, I actually like the rain, I like walking in it. YES, with an umbrella.
I think… curry is my favourite.
Did you see what happened in our sports class today? Daniel was absolutely SMASHED after the ball hit him. It WAS funny, hyung. You just had to be there.
And Jay does think they’ve grown closer, seeing as Jungwon starts calling him ‘Hyung’. The more time Jay spends with Jungwon, the more sketches he unconsciously makes to his little map of Yang Jungwon in his head.
For one, Jay’s learnt that he’s innately, ridiculously cute. To the point that sometimes, Jay thinks ‘I need to bundle him up and stuff him in a pocket, he’s just too innocent for this world’. This is where Jay’s protective tendencies start to kick in, and Jay is now willing to go over and beyond for him because he feels Jungwon needs to be protected. Whether that be buying spare medication for Jungwon’s hay fever that he sometimes forgets to take; or carrying his bags if it’s too heavy; or, like in the third year of middle school, being able to bail Jungwon out of situations.
~~~~~ ♾ ~~~~~
It’s a wintery day, the rain splattering on Jay’s face as stands under the bus shelter, teeth chattering uncomfortably in his mouth. Jungwon is not that much better; his breath puffing out and making a cloud in the air as he tries to hide his face inside his jacket. They are both desperately cold, and in desperate need of warmth. So, when their school bus pulls up, Jungwon wastes no time and jumps in, shuffling to the front of the queue, Jay not that far behind, ready to scan his bus pass when-
“Hyung,” Jungwon starts, face paling. “I don’t have my bus pass.”
Jay walks up briskly to Jungwon’s side, peering over his shoulder. “What?”
“I don’t have it.”
Jungwon’s voice grows increasingly distressed as he hurriedly pats his pockets, his backpack slipping off his shoulders.
Jay steadies Jungwon’s backpack with one hand, keeping it firmly in place as Jungwon continues to search frantically. Stuffing his other hand in his pocket, Jay pulls out his wallet and takes some cash, passing it to the bus driver.
“I’m paying.”
He nods at the driver, shoving his wallet back into his pocket. Placing a hand on Jungwon’s shoulder, he steers him further into the bus, the other hand still supporting his backpack.
“No- hyung- you didn’t need to-”
Jungwon’s protests fall on deaf ears as Jay gently guides him into the only remaining seat, standing in front of Jungwon using the overhead bar as support. Jungwon pouts, eyes cast downwards as he reluctantly zips his bag back up. Jay chuckles.
“It’s okay. You don’t have to pay me back.”
“But-”
Jay nudges Jungwon’s knee with a playful smile. “Just find your bus pass for next time, hm?”
Jungwon reciprocates the smile, dimples peeking out. “Yes, hyung.”
After that incident, Jay makes a mental note to always carry extra cash in his wallet, knowing that something similar could happen again. He doesn’t mind, though. He’s there to help Jungwon out at any time, because that’s what friends do.
~~~~~ ♾ ~~~~~
Park Sunghoon is someone Jay has known for even longer than Jungwon.
Being friends since elementary school, they’ve always been known as the ‘Black and Whitez’. Where Sunghoon is pale, Jay is dark. Where Sunghoon is introverted, mainly keeping himself to himself- Jay is extroverted, able to talk anyone’s ear off and easily going up to other people to strike up conversation. Where Sunghoon becomes louder and a whole lot dorkier the closer you are to him, Jay becomes more reserved, more chill, just wanting to simply enjoy time together in a peaceful way. Two sides of a coin, but cut from the same cloth. Hardworking to the extreme, perfectionists at their job, diligent, loyal, goal-focused.
So naturally, Jay has always considered Sunghoon as his best friend.
Who he loves to tease, all the time.
“Ya, Park Sunghoon,” Jay comes up to him one day, in their science class. They graduated from different middle schools to the same high school, along with Jungwon. “How’s Jang Wonyoung?”
Sunghoon slaps him on his arm. “Stop it.”
“Ooo, someone’s a bit uptight today,” Jay smirks, dragging out a seat next to Sunghoon.
Sunghoon rolls his eyes, hands busy playing with some paper airplanes. Jay’s eyes follow the movement, snatching one of them out of Sunghoon’s hand.
“Hey!”
Jay leans his whole body to the opposite side of Sunghoon, whose arm has reached out across Jay to try and reach the paper, to no avail.
“Give that back!”
Jay sticks his tongue out at him. “No.”
The struggle soon subsides as Sunghoon, giving up, slumps back in his chair, fiddling with the other pieces of paper. Sitting back in his seat comfortably, Jay examines the airplane in front of him.
“She seriously still sending you this stuff?”
“Maybe,” Sunghoon says half-heartedly. Jay glances over curiously to examine Sunghoon’s face. It betrays nothing, yet the constant swinging of his legs against the chair legs shows signs. Of what, Jay isn’t too sure. Pity? Maybe, also mixed in with a bit of guilt.
His staring must catch Sunghoon’s attention, because he rolls his eyes again. “It’s not like I ask for them, you know.”
“Yeah, but you still accept them.”
“It’s rude not to. But I guess you wouldn’t know.”
“Hey! That’s not true, plus-” Jay leans closer to Sunghoon, dropping his voice. “You’ve already rejected her, right? Like, multiple times?”
Sunghoon sighs. “Yeah.”
“Does she know that you’re… you, are like… you know-”
Jay’s testing the waters here, because Sunghoon has never explicitly come out to him- but he’s dropped enough hints that even a 2-year-old who doesn’t know anything about being gay could piece together that Sunghoon likes boys.
“Well,” Sunghoon hesitates. His leg swinging slows down, and he leans back into his chair, staring at the ceiling. “I think she knows. I think it’s pretty obvious- but- well-”
“So, she might not, then. Why don’t you just tell her?”
Sunghoon takes his time to respond, looking up at the ceiling for a bit longer before eyeing Jay in disbelief. “I think it’s pretty obvious.”
It’s not exactly the clearest answer ever- but then again, the relationship slash almost weird obsession of Wonyoung with Sunghoon since they were middle schoolers is something Jay does not want to know any further.
But the only reason why Jay brought that topic up is to discuss his own problems, something similar to Sunghoon’s. He doesn’t confront Sunghoon right away, allowing him to wallow in his own thoughts, but texts him later after school.
[20:02]
Mr. Jay
Yo.
Mr. Park Sunghoon
what
Mr. Jay
I have a problem.
Mr. Park Sunghoon
what
Mr. Jay
You know Sooha, right.
She might have a big fat crush on me.
Mr. Park Sunghoon
WhaT
Mr. Jay
She keeps trying to approach and talk to me when ive never spoken to her before
And keeps asking me to hang out at lunch
but the more she’s trying the more I don’t like her
She just sent me this
*img.attached*
like what do I say tf
Mr. Park Sunghoon
Is that a confession
Mr. Jay
literally what else would it be.
now how tf should I reply back to those 3 long ass paragraphs
Mr. Park Sunghoon
Have you asked jungwonie
… He hasn’t. Jay doesn’t know why he hasn’t asked Jungwon, or even told him about this situation- but he just… hasn’t. He knows Jungwon has a vague idea, seeing as they are now in the same friendship group in high school, along with Sunghoon- and Sooha has approached Jay multiple times whilst with Jungwon. But there’s something that holds him back from telling Jungwon. It’s not exactly clear, but something akin to embarrassment arises, almost as if it’s another side to Jay that he doesn’t want Jungwon to see. Which is ridiculous, because what is there for Jay to hide? But for some reason, he doesn’t confide in Jungwon for these things, reasoning that Sunghoon has some sort of experience.
Mr. Jay
no..
I think he kind of knows, anyway
Mr. Park Sunghoon
hm
why haven’t you
Why hasn’t Jay told Jungwon yet? It’s not that they aren’t as close anymore- on the contrary, Jay likes to think that he and Jungwon are good friends. Because Jay has started to feel comfortable around Jungwon now. Like home. Comforting. Warm. Reliable. Jay starts to look forward to going back home, because more often than not Jungwon gets off at his stop, lazing around at his place. Just them, sharing a sofa, lounging, talking, going on their phones- it’s the time Jay loves the most with Jungwon.
And it’s not that Jungwon won’t listen to Jay, either. Jay is notorious for going off on some random tangent in any conversation, blurting out random pieces of information he’s acquired growing up- and Jungwon listens. He’s a very good listener to Jay’s yapping. Laughing at all the right places, eyes scrunching up, bright and sparkly, like Jay’s the funniest person in the world.
So really, Jay thinks, there’s no reason NOT to tell Jungwon. Why haven’t I?
[20:20]
Mr. Park Sunghoon
um hello
thought you wanted my superior advice (read)
~~~~~ ♾ ~~~~~
After sorting out the little incident with Sooha (rejecting her firmly, with a bit of Sunghoon’s help), Jay feels less embarrassed to open up to Jungwon.
They’re having a sleepover at Jungwon’s house, as Jay’s parents are out for a couple of days- and Jay can’t sleep alone, especially knowing that Jungwon’s family moved house to the one next to theirs, so Jungwon is literally ten steps away from him.
They’re sprawled out on Jungwon’s bed. He’s wearing his favorite orange hoodie with the fluffy black hood, tucking his hands into the sleeves, forming sweater paws. After seeing Jungwon wearing that hoodie for the first time, Jay had almost immediately bought the same one, just in black. Despite Sunghoon teasing them and calling it a ‘couples hoodie’, Jay just bought it because it really is soft and fluffy and cozy. (And so what if he matches with Jungwon? They needed to start buying matching things at some point, anyway, to show their friendship).
Jay stares at Jungwon, debating what to say. “Wonie.”
Jungwon looks up from his phone. “Hm?”
“Um- you know Sooha, right?”
“The girl with the pink streaks in her hair and a weird obsession with vampires? Yeah, her?”
“Right. So, you know how she has been coming up to me,” Jay starts, shifting nervously. “And asking some weird things.”
“Mmh.”
“It started almost 5 months ago. She managed to get my number somehow, then started texted me.”
Jungwon lifts one eyebrow. “That sounds stalker-ish, if you ask me.”
“I don’t know how she found it, but she did.” Jay groans into his hands, remembering how awkward and strange the whole situation was. “And she started to ask to hang out- that’s when you were there as well, remember-”
“I don’t particularly like her, hyung, so I wasn’t really looking at her.”
Sighing, Jay replies wearily, “Yeah. Makes sense. But anyway, the fact is, is that she kept texting me.”
“Hmmm.”
“And I tried putting her down nicely, but she clearly never took the hint.”
“Sounds like her.”
“So-”
At this point, Jungwon shuffles off the bed and starts walking out of the room. Not thinking much of it, Jay follows Jungwon, continuing with the story; how she forced him to spend a day with her, and how Sunghoon (surprisingly) helped him. Only after they reach Jungwon’s bedroom again does Jay realise they’ve left and come back.
“Did you really just follow me to the bathroom and back, hyung?”
Jay splutters, stopping in his tracks. “Well, to just- continue the conversation? I didn’t really think about it, I was kind of on autopilot, sorry-”
(A vague memory of Sunghoon commenting that ‘I swear, you’re always talking to his ears rather than Jungwon himself’ swims into his mind, but he quickly pushes the thought away.)
“That’s okay, hyung.” Jungwon sinks back onto the bed, patting the space next to him. A small smile appears—the kind where one side of his mouth lifts higher- the one Jungwon wears whenever Jay does something stupid. He shakes his head. “It was just a bit weird. But I am still listening. You were saying?”
Jay settles into the spot next to Jungwon, feeling the warmth of the bedspread beneath him. “Essentially, I wanted to say that Sooha had a crush on me, but I’ve sorted it now, so I don’t think she’ll be approaching me anymore.”
Jungwon hums, low and melodical. His knees knock together, shaking the bed underneath them slightly. “I’m glad, hyung.”
The microwave beeps from the other room. Jungwon doesn’t say anything else.
“Did you… know?” Hesitating, Jay turns his head away from Jungwon. It feels like an awkward question to ask, but Jay has been bursting to find out, despite his feeble reassurances to Sunghoon. “Did you know that Sooha- that she had a crush on me- aish-”
Jungwon, who had been eyeing Jay’s low-cut t-shirt for a while, had started pulling on the sleeves, each tug more aggressive than the last. On the third tug, the fabric snaps back against Jay’s arm with a loud slap. Jungwon, ever so innocent, blinks back.
“Yeah, I kinda knew. Is that it?” He juts his lower lip out slightly, twisting the fabric of Jay’s t-shirt again. “Is this a new shirt as well?”
Lifting one eyebrow at Jungwon, Jay replies to both questions with a simple, “Yeah.”
Jungwon, seemingly contented, flops back onto his bed. Jay’s a bit disorientated by Jungwon’s laidback response. Since when was he this observant? But then again, Jay doesn’t know why he freaked out so much in the first place. Jungwon, being Jungwon, never makes a big deal of things; he keeps it simple and straightforward. That’s one of the many reasons why Jay likes Jungwon, as a friend. Because despite his age, he can be very mature, noticing things about others that even Jay doesn’t realise, so it sometimes feels as though Jay is the younger one.
Ah, whatever. Jungwonie is cute. That’s all that matters. Jay thinks, before crashing on Jungwon with a big oof.
~~~~~ ♾ ~~~~~
It’s their second year of high school when Sunghoon and Jake announce that they are dating.
Jay could sense that from a mile away, though. Being in the same friendship group, it was inevitable that their opposing personalities would draw them close.
First loves.
Honestly, Jay would also find it cute if they didn’t make lovey-dovey eyes at each other every other second, making Jay want to rip his hair out and shove it down their throats.
But it’s not just them. It seems like everyone else in their year is in a relationship, flaunting it both online and at school- to the point that Jay knows more about other people’s relationships than they know about his existence.
It’s a bit sad, really. But he doesn’t mind it that much. Being a romantic, Jay has already sworn to date only once in his life- and that will be his future partner, the one he will marry. So, he can cope with seeing couples everywhere. Just about. Because he already has a plan.
What Jay finds increasingly difficult to cope with, though, is their future.
Growing up, Jay has never been too sure about what he wants to do. With social and financial pressures pushing for a high-class, high-paying job, Jay’s never quite been able to work as passionately as he would, if he were to be working towards something he enjoys. That something being his guitar. Making music. Being in a band.
“So, if you had the choice, what would you do instead?”
They’re sitting on the school bus the first time this question is asked. The bus speeds down the narrow lanes, providing a harsh bump to their seats from time to time, the local radio playing in the background. Most of the other students are either asleep, or on their phones.
Still, it doesn’t stop Jay from sweeping his eyes quickly over the other students. Jungwon doesn’t clarify, but they both know it’s about Jay, and his future in medicine. Or, his lack of desire for it. The answer is so close, at the tip of his tongue- but Jay feels embarrassed about his other dream, unsure of how to achieve it anyway. In a society, and their school especially, so focused on getting their students into the sciences, it seems almost taboo to try and pursue any other career. Shoving down the uncomfortable feeling rising in his throat, Jay replies with a vague,
“Something in music, I guess.”
Jungwon hums, seemingly accepting this answer. He knows Jay well enough not to push further, respecting their boundaries.
“It suits you. The music thing, I mean.”
Even if Jungwon doesn’t know the full story, his reassurance comforts Jay anyway. He turns and grins at him, muttering a small “thanks.”
The school bus continues to stumble down the road, enveloping them in silence again.
“What about you?” Jay asks quietly, glancing at Jungwon. He’s playing with Jay’s hands, twisting the rings on his fingers. “What would you do instead?”
Jungwon gives him a lopsided smile.
“I can’t think of doing anything else.”
“Medicine?”
“Yeah.”
Jay feels like he’s looking in a mirror, seeing a reflection of himself- shattered and covered with tape, accepting a future that isn’t what they want.
Sensing that he’s about to spiral, Jay clings onto Jungwon’s hands, using it as a kind of stress ball.
It’s been something Jay’s been doing a lot recently- holding hands with Jungwon. For him, it provides an unexplainable comfort- calming, soothing, relaxing. Although he tries not to show his vulnerability to others, including Jungwon- this is something that Jay needs.
But sometimes, it feels a bit awkward whenever someone sees them holding hands, or Jay clinging to Jungwon’s back- because it feels forbidden. But it shouldn’t be. Jay’s just holding onto Jungwon as a way of grounding himself, so he shouldn’t care what other people think- but it still feels like an ‘oh, you caught us’ moment, when really, it’s just comfort between friends and fuck, Jay is really spiraling now-
“Hyung?”
Jungwon shakes his arm gently, his large eyes blinking with concern. “Are you okay?”
The background noises return—the low hum of the bus, the intermittent sniffing from the boy across the aisle, the tinny radio buzzing. Spring season has arrived, and cherry blossoms scatter their petals, swirling against the bus windows.
Jungwon shakes his arm again, clutching tighter. Dazed, Jay tries to focus on Jungwon. “Hm? Yeah, Wonie, I’m okay.”
Jungwon stares into Jay's eyes, searching. Jay feels exposed, knowing Jungwon senses something isn’t right but isn’t pushing until Jay says something.
“Okay, hyung,” he settles with, voice gentle and understanding. He drops the subject, turning to look back outside the window, leaving Jay staring at the back of his head.
Jay doesn’t mind that Jungwon doesn’t know everything about him- because he knows it’s probably the same for Jungwon. That there are things that they keep from each other, despite sharing most things. Maybe that’s the difference between a romantic and a platonic relationship- they don’t need to share every aspect of themselves. Jay doesn’t know, anyway. He’s never been in a romantic relationship.
But it's not just Jay's embarrassment that makes him hesitant in pursuing his other dream openly.
Above all, Jay loves no-one else more than his family, always putting his parents first before anyone else. Because he knows, deep down, they want him to succeed and be happy and be comfortable. They just want the best for him. Even if he gets annoyed at them, and their approach, ultimately- it’s their first time living, too. His parents are also trying.
Therefore, Jay’s willing to sacrifice his dreams now to fulfil his parents dream first. It kills his soul, but seeing the proud looks on his parents’ face makes it all worth it.
It must.
~~~~~ ♾ ~~~~~
Jay gets in.
He’s accepted into medical school for the first time.
His parents couldn’t be happier, throwing Jay a celebratory dinner.
Jungwon gets in, too- but just for the year after.
He’s accepted into the same medical school, and now both families are throwing a joined celebratory dinner, thrilled that both their sons are going to be top doctors together.
Jay tries to keep his smile up, happy because everyone else is happy, but dreading the future that he’s pushed away in his mind becoming real.
It’s a miserable few days, to say the least. Jay doesn’t even see Jungwon for a while, with Jungwon claiming to be ‘busy’. Sulking, Jay mopes about in his bedroom until his mom sends him out to pick up groceries and ‘get some air’. He mindlessly walks to the convenience store and back, kicking a few pebbles along the way and keeping his distance from the neighborhood cats, despite the strong urge to pet them.
When he reaches the front door, Jay pulls the handle and steps inside, ready to collapse on the sofa and do nothing –
“Surprise!”
A big balloon is shoved in his face.
“Wha-”
“Happy birthday, Jay-hyung!” Jungwon pops out from behind the balloon, smiling brightly as his eyes crinkle to small crescents.
Well. Had Jay really been so lonely and pathetic that he forgot his own birthday?
“Thanks, Wonie,” he says after a beat, accepting the balloon. The living room is plastered with birthday banners and balloons, and a long red carpet lies at his feet like those he sees on TV. Jungwon looks up expectantly at him. “Wow. Did you-”
His voice cuts off when something large and heavy knocks into Jay, crushing his shoulders, making him collapse to his knees with a loud thump.
“Happy birthday motherfucker!”
“Many congratulations on being even older!”
Jake and Sunghoon shout in his ear from either side, causing Jay to flinch violently and bang his head against Jake’s.
“Owww!” Jake pouts and scurries away, but not before giving Jay’s shoulder another hard shove. Jay stares at him in pure disbelief, then whirls on Sunghoon, who meets his gaze with a blank stare before awkwardly slapping Jay’s shoulder again.
Jay rubs his shoulder, glaring at them both. “Seriously, guys?”
“I wasn’t expecting you to slam into me and break my head, either!” Jake whines, glaring back. He clutches his head dramatically, rolling around on the floor like a puppy wanting attention. Sunghoon just kicks his leg.
Taking a few deep breaths and reminding himself that this is all done with good intentions, Jay struggles to his feet, using the door handle as support. He surveys the room again; highly decorated, a cake in the middle of the table, and- is that a present sticking out from under that chair?
“Did you guys plan all of this?”
“Yeah,” Jake grins unashamedly, running a hand through his hair. After Sunghoon elbows him, he corrects himself with, “Well, it was mainly Jungwonie’s idea. He did most of the work and planning. But still.”
Jay spins around to find Jungwon laughing uncontrollably, clutching his sides. Bathed in the soft glow of the fairy lights they had set up, he looks radiant. Without thinking, Jay lunges at him, tickling his sides and eliciting even more giggles from Jungwon. Bright, pure and- pretty. It only stops when Jungwon tries to speak.
“Wait- wait-”
Breathless, Jungwon places a hand on Jay’s back. He looks up at Jungwon. “Hmm?”
“Take this card.”
It’s a bright, pink, sparkly princess card. The number ‘1’ is on the front, presumably for a child turning that age, with a scrawled ‘8’ next to it to make ‘18’. Inside, instead of a message, is a hand-drawn diagram with numbers ranging from one to eighteen dotted around.
“What’s this?”
Jungwon points at a box. “It’s the layout of this house. See here? That’s this room.”
“And these numbers?”
“It’s where all your presents are hidden.”
Shock slams into Jay like a speeding truck. “What- 18 of them?”
“Yeah.” Jungwon puffs his cheeks out, pride evident in his voice. “It’s like a treasure hunt!”
How long must this have taken? In moments like these, Jay truly sees how much Jungwon cares for him, just as much as he cares for Jungwon. It's a state of simple happiness, knowing Jungwon put in the effort to plan everything. It makes Jay feel warm inside. It makes him feel-
Special. Like he’s someone worth Jungwon’s time.
Next to him, Jungwon fiddles with a bottle of coke, waiting for him to say something.
“Thanks, Jungwon-ah.” Jay grabs the bottle that Jungwon’s been trying to open and forces the lid off, passing it back to Jungwon. “Really, I like this a lot, I-”
Jay wants to say a million words to express his gratitude, but even that doesn’t seem enough. He settles for leaning on Jungwon’s shoulder, rubbing his stomach.
Jungwon smiles, his dimples on full display. “That’s okay hyung! You want to start the treasure hunt now?”
“You want a timer as well?” interjects Jake.
“And a goodie bag to carry everything?” Sunghoon adds, earning him a punch on the arm.
“What am I, a child?”
Three voices answer in unison. “Yeah.”
Jay scowls. He did not need to be called out like that.
Finding all 18 presents hidden around the house takes some time, but it’s worth it. By the time Jay finds and opens all the presents, his parents arrive home, and they all celebrate together, cutting the cake and smearing it on each other.
Somewhere along the way, Jay drapes himself over Jungwon’s shoulders. He remains attached there for the rest of the evening, all warm and fuzzy and perfect. Dipping his head into the crook of Jungwon’s shoulder, Jay relaxes, breathing in the soft, powdery scent of Jungwon’s clothes. I could stay like this all evening, he thinks drowsily, basking in Jungwon’s grounding presence. Closing his eyes, he doesn’t notice Sunghoon and Jake putting their shoes on, ready to leave.
“Jay-ah.”
Humming in response, Jay senses himself and Jungwon moving, presumably towards the front door where Jake and Sunghoon stand.
“Just wanted to let you know, but we broke up.”
Jay's head snaps up. For the first time today, and possibly the first time ever, he sees a sad smile on Sunghoon’s face. One that signifies mutuality but not happiness. Creasing his eyebrows, Sunghoon leans against the doorframe, avoiding Jay’s eyes.
“It was a mutual decision,” Jake continues into the silence.
Jay glances at Sunghoon.
He’s biting his lip, still not looking at Jay. “Yeah,” he says slowly. “It is. We agreed that we’re better off as friends.”
Jake nods, looking dejected. Whether from disappointment, the solemn atmosphere, or something else- it’s clear he’s also affected. “We’ll still stay as roommates, though, when we start uni next month.”
Sunghoon doesn’t say anything after that, pressing his mouth into a firm line. With his arms crossed, eyes cast downwards, face tense- it’s all signs he isn’t happy. Isn’t comfortable, to be more precise, with the situation. Jay recognizes the look; it’s a similar expression Sunghoon wore when his ice-skating coach told him he wasn’t good enough to join the national team yet. But being the dutiful person that he is, Sunghoon tries to get over those feelings quickly- because it’s what’s right. And this time, it’s what Jake wants. And eventually, it will be what Sunghoon wants as well.
They both leave shortly after. As soon as the door slams shut, Jay flops on the sofa, hugging the cushions tightly. Jungwon stands above him, watching his movements carefully. He hadn’t said anything during the whole exchange, keeping unnaturally quiet- almost as if he wasn’t surprised, almost as if he knew-
“Did you know?”
Jay’s getting déjà vu.
Resting his head back on the sofa, he replies with a short, “No.”
He’s still trying to process what could have gone wrong. Because he truly, truly believed that Jake and Sunghoon were made for each other, complementing and harmonizing their faults and perfections. Even at this party, he never doubted their new status with the way they were acting- perfectly normal. Or at least, that’s what it looked like to Jay.
Jungwon’s still standing in front of Jay, waiting. Frowning, Jay looks up.
“Did you know?”
Sighing, Jungwon fiddles with his sleeves. “Kind of. I could sense it towards the end. That they’re not made for dating each other.”
Once again, Jay is struck by Jungwon’s intuition. Always sharp, always infallible, always trustworthy.
“How?”
“I don’t know hyung.” Jungwon gives a small smile. “I could just tell.”
With that, Jungwon shuffles forward and collapses next to Jay, leaning his head on Jay’s shoulder. They fall into silence, lost in their own thoughts. With the whirring in the background, something niggles at the back of Jay’s mind, fresh from the news of affection and heartbreak, friendships and relationships, love and-
“Would you tell me if you were in love?”
The question blurts out before Jay can think. He inwardly cringes at its intimacy- but Jay can’t help it. He wants to know, even if it leaves his heart beating uncharacteristically faster. He wants to know what Jungwon will be like, dating someone. Liking someone. Loving someone. But would that mean he would leave Jay?
He tries to look down, but a mop of hair obscures his view of Jungwon’s face. Jungwon doesn’t reply immediately. When he does, he leans further into Jay, almost curling around him like a cat.
“Yeah, I would.”
Jungwon gazes up, his wide eyes blinking as they meet Jay’s. Delicate, curved like they were drawn by angels.
Jay’s heart does something funny.
“Would you?”
Jay doesn’t hesitate, the answer rolling off his tongue easily.
“Of course.”
~~~~~ ♾ ~~~~~
A couple of months later, Jay, Jake, and Sunghoon start university, studying medicine, engineering, and theatre studies respectively. Jay feels quite sad to leave home, his family, and Jungwon behind- but they’re not too far away, and with multiple promises that yes, I’ll come visit every week to them both, Jay settles into his new life. He’s roomed with an engineering student, Lee Heeseung, who seems quite chill and is unnervingly good at making ramyeon, much to Jay’s appreciation. Despite being a self-proclaimed chef, Jay’s finding it increasingly difficult to find time to cook properly, finally relenting to the shackles of late-night caffeine and cup noodles. I have to do my best, he thinks, because even in a less-than-ideal situation, he still needs a purpose to continue.
As always, Jay navigates through introductions with ease. He becomes close with Byun Euijoo, a sweet-faced, too-nice-for-his-own-good, extremely smart person. They quickly become study partners, often stressing over the hardships of their course—though Euijoo usually ends up teaching Jay more than the other way around.
Through him, Jay meets Wang Yixiang. Call me Nicholas, he had said, in a deep voice.
Tough on the outside, soft on the inside, Jay takes an immediate liking to him- simply because he reminds him of himself. In a way, he finds his friendship with Jungwon mirrored with Nicholas’ and Euijoo’s’.
“You shouldn’t be fooled by Euijoo.” Nicholas complains one day. He’s sitting boredly next to Euijoo and Jay in the library, twirling a pen between his fingers.
“Oh?” Euijoo stares at Nicholas with wide eyes- not cutely, but as a warning.
Nicholas doesn’t seem to care. “The kind, gentle, and lovely Euijoo is actually not it!” he bursts out, pointing an accusatory finger at Euijoo. “He’s actually a scary person!”
Euijoo punches him on the shoulder.
“See!” Nicholas cries out, hands flying to his sides in exaggerated pain. “People think I’m the scary one, when it’s Joojoo they should be worried about!”
And it’s true. With his sharp eyes, sharp face, and mullet hair, people usually think Nicholas is some kind of bully. The same goes for Jay; his resting face often makes him look unapproachable, especially when he’s angry or pissed off- which happens more frequently than Jay would like. But really, we’re just sensitive cowards, right? Nicholas had suggested, and Jay somewhat agrees. He’s seen Nicholas punch and mow down his friends just to avoid going on a bungee jump. Likewise, during Halloween, Sunghoon had filmed and sent a video of Jay screaming and running away from a haunted house, hands flopping side to side near his chest like some kind of animated princess. Rewatching that video was humbling, to say the least.
But it’s the opposite for Jungwon and Euijoo. Beneath their cute, innocent features lies a hidden layer of deception and intimidation. It’s an experience, really, watching Jungwon trick a child into giving their ice cream to him (causing much crying in the background whilst Jungwon happily munches on his prize, walking up to Jay with a big smile, much to Jay’s disbelief). But watching Euijoo during his weekly fights with Nicholas is terrifying- with Nicholas always backing down at the end because of Euijoo’s intense glaring.
[20:18]
Jjongsaeng hyung slay
i’ve had enough
everyone around me has problems
Nyang Jungwon
Oooo like what????
Jjongsaeng hyung slay
the two people I made friends with fight and make up every day like they’re oil and water
except oil and water never mix
but let’s pretend they do
these two are always holding hands by the end of the day anyway
but it’s tiring Wonie!!
need you here ☹
Nyang Jungwon
😊
what abt your roommate
is he okay?
Jjongsaeng hyung slay
yeah
he’s useful but
because he’s on the same course as jake
he wont shut up about him
like I do NOT need a hour by hour update of him
don’t need an update in the first place
like I really could not care less
if he made ramen for lunch, breakfast, and dinner for the third time that week
how is that attractive??
Nyang Jungwon
i thnk ur roomate has a crush on jake hyung lol
Jjongsaeng hyung slay
🤮
PLEASE NO
Despite texting each other almost every day, Jay finds he still misses Jungwon. The infrequent meetups and the pressurizing workload consume all of Jay's time, leaving him barely any for himself.
It doesn’t get much better when Jungwon starts university. Things change slightly. It’s still the same, but there’s something off. Like a puzzle piece that doesn’t quite fit into the jigsaw, there’s a layer of awkwardness between them that wasn’t there before. It might just be Jay that feels it, but he doesn’t like it all the same.
He still cuddles Jungwon pretty much every time he sees him, giving him a big hug at the end of the day before they part ways. He still talks to and hangs out with Jungwon every day. He still-
He still feels awkward.
Like he’s putting on a show of what they used to do before, in an act of desperately believing that everything is still the same, that everything is still okay.
When it’s not.
“I don’t see much of Jungwon nowadays,” Jay laments over the phone to his mother.
His mother chuckles brightly, her tinny laugh echoing through the speaker. “Even though you’re in the same university and doing the same course?”
Picking at his skin on his fingers, Jay sighs. “Yeah.”
“Hm? And why is that?”
“I don’t know,” He cries out sadly. “It doesn’t feel the same. He doesn’t feel the same.”
Jay might be starting to sound clingy and emotional, but he’s past the point of caring. He just wants to wallow in his sorrows for a bit. “Like- like-”
He pauses, not quite knowing what to say.
(That nothing has changed, yet everything has. That Jungwon is still Jungwon, but Jay doesn’t know if he’s still acting like Jay. Everything, and nothing at the same time. It just leaves him feeling empty, nothing quite slotting the way they used to.)
“I don’t know.”
His mother hums, as if sensing that Jay’s universe is slowly descending on him. “That’s okay, Jongseong-ah. It’s okay not to know.” She takes a deep breath, slowly inhaling and exhaling, calming Jay. “Because that’s what love does to you.”
It’s funny.
‘Love’ as a concept had never been given much thought in the past. Now, it seems to be the only thing Jay can think about. He tries not to dwell too much on its different forms—or which one he shares with Jungwon.
All he knows, all he feels is- ache. Longing. Yearning, to the point that Jungwon starts appearing in his dreams, in his conversations, in his daydreams- both conscious and unconscious. Yang Jungwon starts to infiltrate every part of Park Jongseong’s mind that hadn’t been filled before, and he is powerless to stop it.
He wonders if it’s the same for Jungwon.
Jay knows he’s still Jungwon’s number one contact, especially if he gets into an uncomfortable situation. Like the time Jungwon thought someone was stalking him, and Jay was more than ready to drop everything and run to him, escort him back safely, anything. Or, when Jungwon called him at 2am in distress, needing to talk about a traumatizing event at a party he went to- Jay was there, ready to listen and comfort him.
Distant, but still close. Like their friendship is still somewhere there, in the air- just not as physical, or grounding, as before.
…But all of this is before he starts dating.
Jungwon’s first crush.
Jungwon’s first boyfriend.
Shigeta Harua.
~~~~~ ♾ ~~~~
“It’s okay, Jay.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“…Are you okay?”
“Sure.”
The leaves rustle gently in the park as the warm breeze weaves through the trees. It’s summertime, and the air is hot and humid, clinging to Jay's skin like a damp blanket. Sticking his tongue out, Jay licks the corner of his upper lip, tasting salt. He’s sitting on a weathered wooden bench, feeling sweat drench every part of himself. All in all, he’s not feeling great.
Nicholas doesn’t look any better. If anything, the permanent frown on his face, perfectly matching with his scowl, betrays how so unokay he is. He’s just as restless, leg bouncing up and down as he glares at a particularly sad patch of grass.
“Why is it that the first thing you say to me is, ‘it’s okay’?”
Nicholas’ scowl deepens. “Because you need to know that it’s okay.”
“What is?”
“That Jungwon’s going out with Harua.”
“Yeah, I know.” Jay frowns, mouth turned downward.
He doesn’t know why Nicholas is specifically telling him this now. Because Jay has always been okay with Harua. Like a cute little bunny, he hopped into Jungwon’s life, imprinting a mark on his heart. Unknowingly, Shigeta Harua soon became all Jungwon talked about- from the bet with Ni-ki, to their lore of stupid medical pick up lines, to just straight up spiels on how Harua makes him feel.
Jay likes to think he accepted all this with grace. He never talked much when the topic came about, throwing out ideas only once in a while- even suggesting a pretty good pick up line once. But it was sadly discarded, due to diarrhoea being inappropriate in the same sentence as a confession- but well, Jay tried.
The only issue is that now Jay sees Jungwon even less than he used to. After Jungwon and Harua started dating, Jay feels further away from Jungwon in every way possible than ever before- and Jay is about to start spiralling again, but Jungwon isn’t here to provide comfort, to provide his hands to cling to, to tell him you’re good, hyung, to-
Fuck. He really misses Jungwon.
But, as Nicholas said, it’s okay.
It’s totally okay.
Harua is Euijoo’s brother, anyway- and Jay’s friends with Euijoo.
But speaking of.
“You don’t look too okay, either.” Jay leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees, slick with sweat. It’s too hot.
Nicholas’ eyebrows knit together. “I totally am.”
“Yeah, well, then so am I.”
There’s a stubborn pause between them.
“…So, how long has Euijoo been with Hanbin?”
“7 months and 10 days.” Nicholas bristles, posture now taut as his back snaps upright.
Jay whistles. “That’s not even that long.”
“Yeah, well, how long has Jungwon been dating Harua?”
“2 months, 2 days, and like, 15 hours.” He replies, leaning back on the bench. “Feels like it’s been forever, though.”
“Exactly.”
“Fine.” Jay retorts, relenting easily.
They both sigh at the same time, slumping their shoulders, as if burdened by the weight of the earth. If they thought they were alike before in terms of their personalities, now their current life situations also match. Fate seems to have taken a strong liking to the ‘best friend lost to another man’ trope, to the point that it had to replicate it in both Nicholas and Jay.
Nicholas absent-mindedly rubs behind his right ear.
“At least they’re both happy.”
“Yeah.”
With their glum expressions, Jay thinks they could cast shadows with how grey they look. The contrast between the bright, burning light around them and the darkness of their mood is so striking that if someone took a picture, Jay considers he could sell it for millions as a piece of fine Renaissance art.
“Well,” Nicholas says, slapping his knees before standing up. “There’s not much we can do apart from being there for them.”
Jay hums in agreement. “Yeah.” Groaning, he stands up as well, the bench creaking as his weight lifts off. “But we’ll always do that. I don’t think I could ever leave Jungwonie.”
Nicholas casts a sideways glance towards Jay, hands now resting behind his head. He silently surveys Jay, as if contemplating something.
“Do you believe in soulmates?”
…Does he believe in soulmates?
“Of course,” Jay automatically answers. “Maybe not in the literal red string theory sense, but I like to think that they’re real.”
Nicholas bobs his head. “Hmm.”
“Why? Do you?”
The answer comes slowly, carefully calculated. “Potentially.” He’s not looking at Jay, staring off into space. “Just wondered whether you’ve ever thought you and Jungwon are soulmates, or something like that- or something else.”
Jay has thought about it. Multiple times.
While he believes in the concept of soulmates, he reckons the label itself doesn’t cover the type of relationship he has with Jungwon.
It’s something more.
~~~~~ ♾ ~~~~~
A couple of days later, Jay is traveling back to university after a brief visit home. It's raining heavily, water splattering on his face as he shrugs his shoulders higher, severely regretting not taking an umbrella. His hands are full anyway, carrying Jungwon’s suit from home to deliver to him at his accommodation.
Blinking back the rain, Jay struggles to unlock his phone—swiping once, twice—water sliding across the screen. He finally manages to press the call button to ring Jungwon. He needs to be let into the accommodation.
‘I’m sorry, but the number you have dialed-’
Frowning, Jay presses the red ‘end call’ button. It’s unlike Jungwon not to pick up his phone, especially after confirming that Jay can drop by.
He calls again.
‘I’m sorry, but the number you-’
Jay waits for a good ten minutes before calling again.
‘I’m sorry, but the numb-’
Another ten minutes.
‘I’m sorry, but th-’
Okay. Jay’s getting a little bit annoyed. He’s still standing outside in the rain, unable to get inside the building, slowly feeling the rain drench through his clothes. It’s uncomfortable, and Jay hates being wet, especially when water collects in his socks, dampening his mood further.
But he can’t get too frustrated. Jungwonie will have a reason, right?
After another ten minutes, Jay decides to ask for help.
“Hello?”
“Sunghoon, can you see if you can call Jungwon?”
“Is there a problem?”
“I don’t have Ni-ki or Sunoo’s numbers, and I just need to be let into their accom.”
“…Alright.”
~
“He’s not picking up.”
“…Okay, thanks.”
“Do you want me to ask Sunoo to let you in?”
“You have his number?”
“-Yeah?”
“Okay, thanks.”
Sunoo opens the door for him soon after, his sheet mask not hiding the shock and concern on his face.
“Hyung! How long have you been waiting?” he exclaims, dragging Jay in by the arm.
Shivering, Jay mumbles, “Not that long.”
Even though it has been long. Almost an hour outside, waiting, calling for Jungwon- who still hasn’t picked up the damn phone. Just what is he doing?
He gives Jungwon one last call, but, as with the other times, it goes straight to answerphone.
Jay’s frustration bubbles over. He’s soaked to the bone, teeth chattering, and patience worn thin. “What the hell, Jungwon?” he mutters under his breath, rubbing his arms to warm up. As he stands in the warm hallway, dripping rainwater onto the floor, concern gnaws at him, mingling with irritation.
He follows Sunoo silently, who thankfully doesn’t say anything either.
After what feels like an eternity, the door finally opens. Jungwon stands there, looking surprised to see Jay. His eyes widen at the sight of the drenched suit in Jay’s hands.
"Hyung, what are you doing here?" Jungwon asks, his voice tinged with shock.
Jay hands him the suit, waiting for an explanation. "I brought your suit from home."
Jungwon takes the suit, a flicker of something unreadable passing over his face. "Thanks, hyung.” When Jay still doesn’t move from his spot, Jungwon mumbles a quiet I’ll explain later, hyung, before quickly closing the door.
Jay stands there, stunned. Aggravation builds up inside him. It feels strange, feeling annoyed with Jungwon. They’ve always been close, having a serendipitous relationship, so this kind of distant behavior is… unsettling.
He turns away from the door, making his way back outside, shoulders hunching against the rain. Just when he thinks things can't get worse, he misses the bus back to his place. It stops at the traffic light right in front of him, but the doors remain closed. He watches helplessly as it drives away, leaving him standing there, soaked and frustrated.
What is up with today?
With no other choice, Jay starts walking back in the rain. The water continues to pour down, soaking him to the bone. His shoes squish with every step, the cold seeping into his skin.
By the time Jay reaches his accommodation, he’s exhausted and even more frustrated. He strips off his wet clothes, quickly changing into something dry and warm. He flops onto his bed, staring up at the ceiling.
Jungwon calls back almost immediately.
“Did you reach back safely, hyung?”
His voice is small and muffled, as if he covered his mouth with a pillow.
“Yes. I did.”
It’s the first time Jay’s being short with Jungwon.
“That’s good.”
“…”
“About before- I’ve just seen your missed calls- I’m sorry for missing them, you must have waited a long time- my phone wasn’t with me-”
“That’s okay, Wonie,” Jay interrupts, because Jungwon is sounding more and more distressed, and if anything, Jay is just a weak weak man when it comes to Jungwon. But that doesn't mean he’s still slightly annoyed.
He can hear Jungwon hesitating over the phone. He’s about to reassure Jungwon again when he blurts out-
“It was Harua. He’s going through some things. I was using my iPad to facetime him.”
“…Oh.”
Whatever consolations Jay was about to give are promptly swallowed.
Jungwon continues, unaware of the sudden shift of expression on Jay’s face. “I heard you were in the rain for some time. I’m really sorry, hyung. I should have had my phone with me.”
Jay barely registers the apology, ears buzzing.
“Oh. Yeah.”
Jay feels slightly bad, but his nerves are fraying. He’s trying to hold onto his sanity for the sake of their friendship, for the sake of Jungwon, for the sake of his feelings- but Jay’s just too riled up, mind burning with anger and jealousy. Ever since Jungwon has been straying away from Jay, Jay’s becoming more and more turbulent, his emotions riding a permanent rollercoaster. He can’t control them. Jay knows it’s unlike him- to depend so heavily on another person. But it’s Jungwon. His soulmate. His-
Lifeline.
Jay just realised. Jungwon’s not just some person his soul and being has bonded to. He’s someone his soul has attached to, merged to- to the point that Jay can physically feel himself waning because of this. It’s like Jungwon’s the reason why he can live, and without him- he-
He would be dead, in a way. Not physically- but in every other sense.
He’s tired.
“… Hyung? Jay-hyung?”
“Mm? Yeah, Wonie. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Jay hangs up first.
Jungwon’s told him before that he doesn’t keep grudges- but that’s only because he can forget things easily. Things that are simple. But fighting with Jungwon- that’s anything but simple.
Jay doesn’t know if it’s irrational, if people can also get jealous of having to share their best friend with someone else. Because Jay wants to be Jungwon’s number one friend, the one that Jungwon will always mention to others. It may be irrational, it may not. But the ugly feeling in his chest that Jungwon thinks of talking to other people first instead of him only continues to grow inside Jay.
But more than that, Jay is hurt.
He doesn’t tell Jungwon though. That the tiny irrational part in his brain is screaming at him to cling to Jungwon and never let go, to get jealous that Jungwon made some good friends and boyfriend, to feel hurt that other people might take more precedence in Jungwon’s life than Jay currently-
It’s completely irrational.
He’ll move on.
~~~~~ ♾ ~~~~~
That would be a lie.
It would be a lie to say that Jay moved on.
It would be a lie to say that he ever will move on.
It’s 3am.
The world is silent, save for the occasional distant rumble of thunder. Jay's room is dim, the only light coming from the full moon outside. The moonlight floods in through his window, casting a silver glow that reflects off every corner of his room.
Jay lies in the middle, on his bed.
He’s zoning out, unable to sleep, his mind drifting.
Always back to Jungwon.
Jay wants to spend time with Jungwon again. No friends, no family, just him, and Jay, together. He wants to bare his soul out to Jungwon, share his deepest secrets, his worries, his future. Jay misses that. He wants to be able to lie on Jungwon again, using his body as a pillow. He wants to be able to hear and feel the slow rise and fall of his chest, breathing rhythmically with Jay’s. He wants to be able to laugh well into the night and see the genuine smile on Jungwon’s face that he only wears when he's truly happy.
The deep conversations they used to have- it’s what brought them closer. Jay believes that unless you have a heart-to-heart with someone, you can never be considered truly close to them. And he wants Jungwon to be the closest to him. He wants to be able to call Jungwon his lifeline.
Jay’s heart aches with the weight of his longing. He knows, deep down, that he would be willing to do anything for Jungwon. He would be willing to give his life for him-
The realization smacks Jay in the face.
The intense emotions, the jealousy, the longing, the pain.
He loves Jungwon.
…No, he’s in love with Jungwon.
Turning his head slightly to face the moon, Jay crumbles a bit on the inside. The full moon, ever so bright, glistens on his face.
He makes a wish, in that moment.
The only, truly, selfish wish Jay has ever made in his life.
~~~~~ ♾ ~~~~~
Please, let me get Jungwon back.
~~~~~ ♾ ~~~~~
The moon gleams brighter, larger and more intense than ever before, its light pouring through the windows, filling every crack and corner of the room. It bathes Jay in a gentle glow, shimmering as it touches him. A silent witness to his unspoken wish.
~~~~~ ♾ ~~~~~
“Hey, Park Jongseong, if you don’t get your ass down here in five minutes we’re going to leave without you!”
Jay grunts as he drags his suitcase out of the room. “Coming, coming, geez. So uptight.”
“I heard that!” Sunghoon shouts from the front door.
“Well, then, you must also be able to hear the damn suitcase as well!”
With a last sweep of his room, Jay tugs his suitcase towards Sunghoon, who’s leaning by the doorframe, shaking his head at him.
“If we miss this train, we won’t be able to move in on time, then Sunoo is going to hand my ass to me for being late.”
“More like eat your ass, but whatever,” Jay mutters under his breath.
Sunghoon splutters, red in the face. “What the fuck was that?”
Jay shrugs, unfazed. “You started the ass talk.”
As Sunghoon struggles to form a retort, Jay pokes his head out to find Jake furiously typing away on his phone.
“I’m guessing you’re ready then?”
“Yeah, yeah,” Jake mutters distractedly, eyes glued on the screen. “Heeseungie’s meeting us at the house.”
Jay exhales heavily. Moving seven people into one house in a single day is going to be a big operation. The decision to share a house was made out of practicality—a way to cut costs—but pulling it off is another matter entirely.
There’s a buzz from Jake’s phone.
“Ya, Ni-ki, what now?”
“When are you reaachiingg? Sunoo’s about to rip my ear off if it wasn’t for Heeseung-hyungg.”
“Ni-ki-ya,” Jake starts, exasperated. “We’ll be there soon. Don’t keep calling me! Only Heeseungie-hyung can!”
He promptly pulls the phone away from his ear and smashes the ‘end call’ button, silencing Ni-ki’s complaints through the phone.
Jay raises an eyebrow at Jake. “We should probably get moving.”
“Yeah.”
“Wait,” Sunghoon says, emerging from Jay’s house with his luggage in tow. “We’re still waiting for Jungwon.”
Jungwon.
Ever since his revelation all those nights ago, Jay has been finding that every little thing relating to Jungwon now makes heart race. The realization had been overwhelming, consuming his thoughts and making it impossible to ignore the way his pulse quickened whenever Jungwon was near.
It didn’t help that Jungwon and Harua had broken up midway through the summer. Mutual, apparently. Jay hadn’t pried, and Jungwon hadn’t offered up many details.
He hadn’t seen much of Jungwon over the summer. Half of it Jungwon had spent it with Harua anyway, and the other half- Jay wouldn’t say he was deliberately hiding from Jungwon per se, but he was just too emotionally unstable to confront anyone for a while.
He’s better now. But it still doesn’t stop his nerves flaring up as Jungwon opens his door, approaching the group.
“There you are, Jungownie,” Sunghoon announces, snatching up some of Jungwon’s bags like a man on a mission. “Let’s go.”
He turns around and strides down the corridor, Jake trailing after him, leaving Jay blinking in their wake.
He can feel Jungwon’s presence behind him, hear the soft scuff of his shoes against the floor. Jay’s heart pounds in his chest, threatening to choke him, consume him-
“Jay-hyung.”
The sound of Jungwon’s voice, cracking slightly, makes Jay freeze.
He turns around.
Jungwon steps into view, his usual brightness dimmed. His eyes are glassy, clutching his bag strap with trembling hands. Their eyes meet for a fleeting moment- before Jungwon looks away, breathing slowly.
Without thinking, Jay pulls Jungwon into a tight hug. Jungwon’s arms wrap around him immediately, his face buried in Jay’s shoulder.
“Missed you, hyung,” Jungwon mumbles, his words muffled but clear enough to reach Jay’s ears.
Jay pulls back just enough to meet Jungwon’s gaze, seeing his own emotions reflected in those glistening eyes—vulnerability, longing.
“Missed you too, Wonie,” Jay whispers, his voice thick with emotion. “You have no idea.”
~~~~~ ♾ ~~~~~
The closer Jay is to someone, the harder it is for him to say to them ‘I love you’. It feels precious, yet precarious. Words of affirmation are not his way of expressing love, embarrassment burning his face for no good reason- but, he believes there will be time where he will mature.
~~~~~ ♾ ~~~~~
Jay is in a study session with Euijoo and a few others, discussing potential hospital placements for the year. The conversation hums along, but Jay’s focus is shattered by a soft ping! from his phone.
[14:30]
Heeseung Lee hyung
where r u
Jay Park
Im in a study session
Why?
Heeseung Lee hyung
well hurry up. jungwon’s moping about at home
says he’s waiting for you
Jay’s attention derails completely, his mind stuck on the last message. He’s barely listening to the ongoing discussion now, fingers tapping restlessly on the table. His eyes dart to the clock every few seconds, the words swirling and repeating inside his head.
He’s waiting for you.
Euijoo seems to notice Jay’s distraction because he suddenly claps his hands together and declares with a bright voice,
“Shall we finish early today?”
Jay doesn’t need to be told twice. He’s already halfway out the door, speed-walking to the bus stop. The ride feels too long, and he doesn’t bother to sit, pacing in the aisle instead. As soon as the bus stops, he’s practically sprinting back to the house.
Yanking the door open, Jay stumbles into the house, breathless and pink faced.
Heeseung jabs a finger towards another door. “He’s in there.”
Dropping his bags on the floor, Jay tries to calm his heartbeat, approaching the other set of doors with hurried restraint.
He pushes the door open to find Jungwon standing there. The light filters through the window, casting a soft, almost ethereal glow on him, making his hair shimmer like spun gold. Jay’s breath catches; Jungwon looks like something out of a dream.
“Hey,” Jay begins, his voice soft. “Heeseung-hyung said you were waiting for me?”
Jungwon hums, eyes downcast as he fidgets with the sleeves of his orange hoodie. It’s only then that Jay notices they’re both wearing the same hoodie, his in black. He forces himself not to overthink it—at least, not yet.
Jungwon takes a hesitant breath. “Just-um- whatever I’m about to say, please hear me out first?”
Urgency bleeds into his voice. Jay will agree to anything Jungwon says though, over and over again. “Of course.”
Jungwon takes a deep breath. “Ususally, when someone is near to you, you don’t know how important they are.”
Jungwon looks up, their eyes locking.
“But right when they disappear, they’re the first person you think of.”
Time seems to slow, each second stretching out as if the world has narrowed to just the two of them.
“I felt that with you.”
Jay’s senses sharpen; he’s hyper-aware of everything—Jungwon’s nervous breath, the slight tremble in his voice, the way the sunlight plays across his face. His mind races to process the implication, but his emotions trip over themselves, making it hard to think straight.
“You never told me.” Jay blurts out.
He can literally see Jungwon freeze, eyes wide, pupils dilating as he stares at Jay. “What?”
“When you started dating Harua,” Jay continues, words tumbling out in a rush. “I had to hear it from Sunoo. You promised you’d tell me if you were in love. But you didn’t.”
Jungwon is so much closer now—Jay can almost feel the warmth radiating from him. The space between them feels like it’s shrinking, every word pulling them nearer.
“I didn’t tell you,” Jungwon murmurs, his voice cracking slightly. “Because I wasn’t in love.”
Jay’s breath catches, heart thudding in his chest.
“Then—”
“Park Jongseong-hyung, I am in love.”
The air between them grows even thicker, charged with anticipation. Jay can feel his pulse in his ears, each beat echoing in the silence that follows.
“I’m in love with someone who goes by the name of Park Jay. Do you know him?”
Jay lets out a soft huff, a smile tugging at his lips despite the wild flutter in his chest. “Potentially.”
Jungwon’s voice wavers slightly, but his eyes remain steady, filled with determination. “Well, please tell him, I’m in love with him. Finally.”
Jungwon looks up at Jay, his expression a mix of nerves and resolve. There’s a slight tremor in his hands, but his gaze is unwavering, eyes bright and wide, shimmering with hope. The scent of fresh laundry clings to his hoodie, mixed with a faint trace of something sweet- like vanilla. Like home.
Jay steps in even closer, his breath hitching as he closes the distance between them. “Well, I think Park Jay has something to say back to you.”
Jungwon’s eyes widen, sparkling with a mixture of hope and anticipation. His lips part slightly, and Jay feels his own body heat up, breath shaking. He wants to convey everything all at once, to make Jungwon understand just how deeply he feels, how his heart bleeds with relief, how-
“I would like to say that I’m in love with you too-the prettiest Yang Jungwon, the one I cannot breathe without, my only lifeline.”
Jay can’t hold back anymore. He pulls Jungwon into his arms, the world around them dissolving into a blur. Jay feels like he’s standing under an open sky, where the only thing that matters is the boy in his arms. And it’s true- because everything, since the beginning, since they first met as children, has always been about him. About Jungwon. His lifeline.
~~~~~ ♾ ~~~~~
Jay sweeps his eyes around Jungwon’s room again- dimly lit, with glowing sticker planets and stars on the ceiling.
It’s really pretty. Jay wants it in his bedroom, too.
Jay also wants Jungwon in his bedroom, too. But that’s a stage for another day.
“Hey.” He murmurs, pointing a finger upwards. “I like your ceiling. It’s cool.”
Jungwon snorts. “Thanks. I bought it. With my own pocket money.” He pretends to puff his chest out again, but ends up rolling closer to Jay so that their chests practically touch. Jay puts his arm around Jungwon’s waist, drawing lazy circles there. He pulls Jungwon even closer.
“Well, I like something even more.”
Jungwon snuggles further into Jay, resting his head on his collarbone. “Hm. What is that?”
The moonlight streams through the windows, enveloping them in its glow. Closing his eyes, Jay smiles contentedly.
“You.”
Please, he dreams, hold me and never let go.