Chapter Text
“I can’t talk to you right now, god knows I’ve got enough problems to deal with.” Henry says as he shuffles through the paperwork on his desk.
“So what, I’m just a problem you have to deal with? Is that what this relationship is?”
“Don’t be so dramatic Alex—“
“No!” Alex interrupts angrily. “I needed you today and you said you’d be home at 6. It’s 11 now and you’re still too fucking busy for me. I needed—“
“Christ, it’s always about you Alex! Everyday it’s something new. Haven’t you considered that it’s too much for me Alex, you’re too much! You’re fucking suffocating me Alex.” Alex recoils at Henry’s words like he’s been slapped. And suddenly, Henry is shuffling to put on shoes.
“Wait, where are you going? You can’t just leave. Baby, please.”
“I need space from you Alex. I can’t do this. I need out.”
And then, Henry is rushing out of their brownstone and shutting the door behind him. Shutting the door to their lives as if it was always that easy.
It’s over isn’t it? Henry isn’t coming back. He’s going to leave Alex. Once he’s had his space, he’ll realize how much better off he was without Alex.
After all, Alex has always been too much and yet never enough. He spent countless nights and phone calls with Henry earlier on in their relationship, voicing his insecurities to Henry. He was met with endless reassurance that he was “perfect” and “never too much.” Maybe Henry was a liar.
He’s used to people leaving. His whole life people had always left him. Good things didn’t last forever for Alex. But Henry, his Henry, was supposed to be different. He was supposed to stay, comfort him, and tell him that he loved him. Alex thought he was different. But maybe he deserves this. Maybe he is truly incapable of being loved.
He thinks back to the engagement ring hidden in his sock drawer. Pathetic.
He tried to push himself to work harder and become someone his loved ones would be proud of. He had goals and ambitions. But his grades in law school were slipping out of his control, and he was failing at every test and exam this semester. He was so burnt out and exhausted. It probably didn’t help either that he had an argument with Nora this morning too, where she had also walked out on him. He felt like a failure. He felt like a failure and he needed Henry but it didn’t matter.
He was a problem, a burden. He was making Henry’s life worse. Maybe it would be better if he never exi—
And there it is. That fleeting thought that has always haunted him in the back of his mind. He thought about it during his parent’s divorce, when he sat alone in school, after every breakup, and after Henry left him at the lakehouse. If there was one person who would have loved him unconditionally, he thought it would have been Henry. What he felt for him, it was real. He thought it was forever. He’s never felt this way about anybody in his life and he’s just Henry’s problem.
What’s the point then? If Henry couldn’t stay, who would?
Through blurry eyes, Alex spots their medicine box in the corner of his eyes. It would be so easy.
No, he needs to snap out of it. He can’t be thinking this, he needs to call someone. So he rings June.
“Alex? I can’t talk right now. I'm really busy.”
“June I—“
“Alex, I have to go. I’ll call you back tomorrow.”
He thinks about calling Nora but he doesn’t think she’d want to hear from him after their fight earlier that day. There’s no point talking. He rings his mother next but of course, not to his surprise, there’s no answer. It’s the same with his father.
They don’t care about you.
The thing about Alex is whenever he was hit with the thought that he would be better off dead, he collected a pill and placed them in the box. It was his way of feeling in control. He didn’t think to tell Henry since it was just an idea he toyed with in his head, it was just the escape hatch. Harmless. Right?
He stares back at the medicine box and suddenly he’s on his feet.
They would all be better off if you were gone.
He’s gathering the strongest pills and placing them into a small pile.
You’re a problem, a burden, a failure.
There’s around 40 pills, a mixture of valium, xanax, fentanyl, painkillers, and various sleeping pills.
Nobody will ever love you, nobody will ever stay.
He grabs a bottle of tequila from the kitchen cabinet.
You never deserved to live.
He brings the supplies to the bedroom and locks the door.
“You’re fucking suffocating me Alex. I can’t do this.” Henry’s words are ringing in his ears. He feels like he’s going fucking crazy.
For a moment, Alex stares at it all, debating if he’s really going to do this. Can he really do this to Henry?
No, Henry hates you. He’ll move on and be much happier without you holding him down. If you love him, you’ll do this for him.
He doesn’t have a choice, does he? He’s making everybody’s life worse. Henry doesn’t love him, and nobody ever could. He’s failing law school and he won’t have a future. He can’t see himself as happy.
As tears start to stream down his face, he starts to rapidly swallow the pills, downing it with tequila. He doesn’t feel the burn in his throat, he’s more preoccupied with the burn in his heart.
Quickly, Alex grabs a piece of paper and scribbles out a short message.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be better, I love you. You deserve better than me Henry. You deserve everything. Tell my family I love them so much and that this was for the best.”
He folds the paper and places it on the desk. He turns off the lights, climbs into bed, bottle still in hand, and waits for it to all be over.
This is for the best. This is for the best. He repeats to himself like a mantra through shaky breaths and tear tracks. He gently rubs the back of his hand, trying to comfort himself as he welcomes death. It’s going to be okay.
He’s going to die all alone.
As his vision blacks out, he doesn’t hear the texts and calls on his phone nor the sound of knocking on the door.