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“I don’t even know what I feel about her anymore. I hate her, I carry so much anger towards her because of everything she’s done to hurt me. Yet, somehow… for some stupid, stupid reason… I can’t seem to let her go.”
When you form such a deep bond with someone that you believe only fate itself could keep you apart, the only appropriate reaction to losing that person is to cry about it, punch at the walls, and pussy out of doing anything extreme like smoking or drinking because you’re too scared of hurting yourself. She always was a coward, needing constant reassurance from others to do anything meaningful; maybe she just liked the attention. The line seemed to blur even more than usual every time she tried to define it. Her thoughts had always been like that, a muddled mess of rapid-fire ideas, none of which would ever amount to anything. Self-deprecating spirals to a load of “hey, that would be neat!”. Meaningless, all of it.
Defining what she felt was a chore. What was worse, however, was finding her opinions on people. It could flip from “everything that happened between us was all my fault, I’m sorry for even breathing in your general direction I’m such an awful person oh god how did you ever tolerate me” to “you’re probably the worst person I’ve ever known and I’m ashamed in myself for not realizing that sooner I actually hate you so much I wish you would just die already”. That much-needed middle ground was nowhere to be found, that’s what led her to make the wise decision to keep everybody she cared about at an arm’s length.
If they got attached to her, they’d start having expectations, and, once they found out she wasn’t the person they thought she was, they’d abandon her just let everybody else did. She wasn’t even sure she was upset about it at this point; the only thing she felt was a dull sense of shame for truly believing somebody would want to stick around her despite what had happened over and over again.
The memories were fuzzy around the edges, but the feelings were crystal clear. She fractured every friend group she tried to insert herself into. There were people there who clearly cared about each other, but she had to butt her way in and tear it all apart from the inside. She–
“Um, hey, Book? You alright there?”
Price Tag. Someone she felt she’d grown to know intimately through a long path of trial and error. Despite her trying to push them away, to keep them safe from herself, they’d somehow managed to worm their way into her heart. Somehow, they got her to open up, to show herself, both the good and the bad.
“Ah, who am I kidding… you’re not alright. I shouldn’t even bother asking, it’s not like you’d tell me anyways! You’re always so insistent that you’re “fine”, and that you “don’t need my help”, you know that?” They teased, clearly trying to lighten the mood in the tense atmosphere. It was typical for them, they were always a bit… bad at reading the room, you could say. But, hey, they were trying, and Book would be a fool not to appreciate that. “You know you can talk to me, right? I’m willing to listen. No matter how bad it gets.” Their tone took on a more genuine tone, coaxing Book into spilling her guts to them. Even after all this time spent together, they never quite found how to get Book to talk to them about these things, things like her past, the mistakes that, according to her, ruined everything. But they didn’t want to try and force a confession out of her; they knew how sensitive the subject was to her, even the vague allusions towards it she made got her extremely emotional, even snappy at times.
“I just…” She paused, as if she was weighing her options, trying to find the right words to convey her feelings. Price Tag noticed her fidgeting with her hands nervously, giving her a gentle smile as they reached out to grasp her hand with their own, squeezing it gently as if to ground her and remind her that they’re there for her. A silent “I got you” to her. The feeling made her flinch, turning to face them with an expression of pleasant shock. Being more used to being the one giving all the physical affection during her time with Ice Cube, it was a nice surprise to be on the receiving end of some care for once. Letting out a happy sigh, she squeezed back. “..I don’t wanna burden you with all of my problems. I mean, really, it’s not–”
“Book, I want to hear about your problems. You’re not burdening me by telling me. If anything, you being so secretive about all of this is causing me problems.” They leaned in a bit closer, studying her face, that troubled expression. “And I know your problems are just being made worse by the fact you won’t accept any help. I wish you’d lean on me more, Book. Sometimes you’re just… not as strong as you act like you are.”
She averted her gaze, backing up a bit from their gaze. It was strange, having someone willing to listen to her problems. There had been Ice Cube, she supposed, but she doubted she was actually hearing what she was telling her. And, besides, Ice Cube never asked her to open up, she just dumped all of her vents onto her because nobody else in BLEH wanted anything to do with her.
But, this? Having someone urge her to talk to them, being reassured that she’s not being a burden by telling them these things, having her reluctance pushed rather than ignored?
Tears welled up in her eyes and, before she could stop herself, she wrapped her arms around Price Tag, burying her face into their chest. Her eyes shut instinctively, not wanting to deal with the reality of their reaction to her sudden burst of emotions.
To her surprise, they didn’t pull away. They flinched, but she could quickly feel them begin to relax in her arms.
Since Ice Cube left her for a new team, she’d avoided her usual physical affection. It didn’t feel right to hold anyone else who wasn’t Ice Cube, it just made her heart ache as she thought of her. But, here? Now? It felt… right. This wasn’t about anyone but her and Price Tag.
“Hey, Book…” They began, voice a bit hesitant. Book instantly froze, her mind immediately assuming the worst. She quickly pulled away, waving her hands apologetically as she sputtered to come up with a proper apology while they were still here.
“I’msorry! Please forgive me, I won’t do that again… sorry… sorry.. I’msorryI’msorryI’m-” Her voice grew more frantic, as did her hand waving. And, once again, she avoided their gaze, fearing the reaction she’d see on their face. Waiting a second for her to calm down a bit, Price Tag reached out towards her again, gently tilting her face so she’d meet their gaze.
“...w-woah, hey, Book. That’s not what I was trying to say. I’m sorry if I worried you. I was just trying to tell you that you were squeezing me a bit hard.” They gave an awkward chuckle, a hint of teasing in their voice. The humor was soothing to Book, and she felt all of that panic instantly melt away.
It was weird, coming down from such an emotional high as quick as that. Even at her best times, when she had Nickel by her side, it was a long-winded struggle. And, before that? It just depended on how long whoever was forced to face her in a state like that was willing to put up with it.
But being by the side of somebody who hoped, who believed, that she was more than her worst moments… It made her start to believe that too. It made her start to believe that she could change; that her mistakes didn’t define her as a person. The trust Price Tag put in her, it made her want to strive to be better, to change, so that their faith wasn’t unwarranted. There was a reason to be better, for everybody, even her ex-teammates on BLEH, who believed that she could improve upon herself. For once, she looked upon her past and didn’t want to run from it. Her mistakes were still there, yes, but they were there for her to learn from. Avoiding her problems, brushing them off, never did her any good, so why bother? Why keep pushing away all the people trying to help her? Why reject the support she’s offered?
“Thank you…” she sighed out, rolling back over to face Price Tag. She didn’t feel like she could properly express how grateful she was for their help and their presence through just words, so she resumed hugging them, squeezing tightly as though she feared they would leave her if she didn’t.
“Ack–! You’re welcome. Seriously, it’s the least that I could do. I still don’t know all about your past and whatnot, but I can tell you’re trying your best. I can tell you wanna get better… for your friends, yeah?”
A wordless nod. There were people who cared about her, and would continue to care about her even in her worst moments. To keep living in the past, to keep insisting that she didn’t deserve their help, it was selfish. It wasn’t fair to herself and it wasn’t fair to the people who stuck by her side.
But she was getting better, even if slowly. For her friends. Even for the people who didn’t stick around, like Gaty. Her advice to her had been to find new friends and, finally, Book was starting to understand what she meant by that.
“Thank you…” she mumbled again, but, this time, not just to Price Tag. To everybody.