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The apartment was empty. All the Roussel's had gone off on their own business once again, and Jack and Rayane were left alone. Rayane loved the tribal atmosphere in Jack's family, but he loved spending time alone with him more, without the fear that someone would come in and interrupt their hugs or kisses, which happened very often. Today they had just decided to watch a new anime that Diego had recommended to Rayane. The guys prepared snacks, brought a bottle of lemonade and settled down in an embrace on Jack's bed, placing the laptop between their bodies.
"Wait, I forgot to bring the speaker, it's probably in Jordan's room, you pour the lemonade into the glasses for now" Jack said, getting out of bed.
"Okay, hurry up, I'm already hungry" Rayane replied, starting to pour the lemonade into the glasses.
"As usual" Jack said with a grin, leaving the room. On the nightstand next to the bed, Rayane noticed out of the corner of his eye that Jack had received a message from Diego on his phone, Rayane didn't pay any attention. Lately, Jack and Diego had found a lot of common topics to discuss, which of course surprised Rayane, but there was no talk of jealousy. The phone screen lit up a second time, and a message appeared on the screen: "Jack is that you? I found this video under the hashtag, I thought you should know, it's terrible". Rayane was intrigued by this message, but he was not going to violate his boyfriend's personal boundaries. He thought that Diego was just kidding, and there was nothing terrible in that video, but the wording of the message scared him. Jack entered the room with the speaker.
"I'm never going to Jordan's again in my life, I urgently need to catch my breath, it smells like a dumpster in there" Jack said, falling onto the bed.
Rayane laughed and pulled Jack towards him to hug. Jack turned on the video.
"Oh shit, I need to pee" Rayane said, jumping out of bed.
"You had time to go there while I was looking for the speaker, damn Rayane, we will never start like this" Jack said indignantly, sitting up on the bed.
"I'll be quick, don't freak out".
Rayane left the room. Jack took the phone and noticed messages from Diego. He opened the chat and turned on the video he sent him. He froze. He could not believe his eyes. He was seeing it again, all his nightmares were back. So much time had passed, but the fear had not gone away, it was hiding inside him and waiting for this moment. He did not notice Rayane entering the room, and he was still sitting in a stupor.
"Everything okay? It was like you saw a ghost" Rayane said, sitting down next to Jack.
"Yeah... everything is fine, don't worry, I... I... was just thinking".
"About what?" Rayane's voice was wary.
"Oh, forget it, let's watch" Jack said, lying down on the pillow.
"Okay... I'm turning it on"
Jack couldn't focus on the laptop screen, he kept returning to the day he was attacked. He had tried hard to forget it for years. During his vision loss, he kept thinking about it, and a feeling of self-pity awoke in him. He was blind. He was attacked by homophobes. The whole school saw that video. He was worthless. But when he met Ryan, all his thoughts went away, all his fears and self-hatred too. He finally felt strong, he was no longer a victim. Rayane made him believe in himself and live in the present, but now it was all back. The main thing is that Rayane must not know about this. He must not see this. He had already seen him at his worst, he cannot allow Rayane to feel sorry for him and look at him differently.
«Hey, coucou, are you even watching?» Rayane said, snapping his fingers in front of Jack's face.
"Yeah, yeah, just... distracted" his voice was quiet.
"Jack, I see that something is wrong"
"It's okay, I already told you... I'm just tired, let's watch" Jack said and lay down on Rayane's chest.
Rayane began to worry, such a sharp change in Jack's mood made him very wary. Throughout the day, Jack walked like a log, he was constantly thinking, went to bed early, almost did not talk to him. He was sure that it was about the message, but he could not demand a confession from Jack.
The next morning Rayane woke up to his alarm clock, opening his eyes he saw that Jack was still asleep. He put his arm around his waist, but Jack jerked away and hit his leg on the wall. Rayane was scared.
"Hey, what's wrong?" Rayane said with a hint of excitement.
"I don't know... I had a bad dream, I just got scared"
"What did you dream about?"
"Zombies, apocalypse, survival, something like that" Jack said, clutching his head.
"Are you afraid of zombies?" Rayane asked laughing.
"No, you just scared me... I have a terrible headache."
"Are you sick?" Rayane said, feeling Jack's forehead.
"No, no... I think I'll stay home today"
"Jack... are you serious? You just decided to leave me alone?" Rayane said, lightly hitting Jack on the leg.
"Sorry, I don't want to faint at school. Go get ready, I'll sleep some more"
"I'll be here, if you fall, I'll catch you" Rayane reached for Jack's lips and kissed him tenderly. "You know, that would be really romantic"
Jack smiled. After a while, he managed to prove to Rayane that he was really sick. He took a pill and stayed in bed while Rayane went to school.
When Rayane got to school, he knew what he needed to do. He had been thinking about it all morning. He needed Diego. After a while, he found him on a bench behind the school.
"Hey, are you skipping class?" Rayane said, touching Diego's shoulder.
"Hey, our lesson was canceled, what about you?" Diego nudged Rayane's shoulder "Are you alone today? Is Jack okay?"
"Jack? Yeah, yeah, he just has a headache" Rayane looked ahead and thought "I know you sent him a video yesterday that made him really upset, what was in it?" Rayane hoped Diego would tell him everything and he wouldn't have to beg him for answers.
"He didn't tell you anything?" Diego's expression changed to one of concern.
"No... he was really quiet yesterday and barely talked to me, he just answered that he was tired to all my questions, I think it's because of that video. What's in it?"
"I don't know how Jack will react to this... I think you should find out from him" Diego said, turning away from Rayane.
"He won't tell me anything... I know him, he always keeps everything to himself... Diego, I'm asking you, my boyfriend is lying at home right now with a headache, and I don't even know what's really wrong with him, I need to know, you know?" Rayane almost screamed.
"Okay, but I didn't show you anything... but Rayane, this is cruel, are you sure you want to see this?”
"What is it?" Rayane's voice was panicked "Don't scare me"
Diego said nothing and went to Instagram. He sent the video to Rayane, but stayed next to him so that he could control the situation and Rayane's anger.
Rayane played the video. The first second. His boyfriend, who looks like he's fifteen, is scared to death. Some guys have grabbed his face by the chin and put a knife to his neck. Rayane pauses the video. Shock. He gathers the courage to continue watching. He takes a deep breath and plays the video again. "Take off your things" Jack takes off his hoodie and looks at the camera. Rayane sees the face he loves more than anything in the world. The face he's seen a million times and still can't take his eyes off. The face that never stops smiling, the face that makes his day. The face he fell in love with at first sight. He had seen Jack in all states, when he laughed, when he cried, when he was angry, when he was happy and when he was afraid. But this expression Rayane had never seen, it was fear, the fear when you can’t utter words, when you don’t know what will happen next, animal fear. He closes his eyes, but he hears the voices of those assholes: “On your knees, on your knees” He looks at the screen again. His hands start shaking, his eyes get wet, but he looks. Jack is kneeling without clothes. “Stop whining.” Rayane wants to smash the phone, he wants to find those bastards and kill them. He wants to run to Jack and hug him tightly, tell him that it’s not his fault, that he has nothing to be ashamed of. To do to those assholes the same thing they did to his boyfriend, to an underage boy, completely defenseless and scared. “You like it, little faggot”. These assholes are pretending, just pretending, but Jack's fear is breaking Rayane's heart. Jack is looking for someone with his eyes, he is waiting for someone to help him. Why? Why didn't anyone help him, why didn't anyone come to his aid? Why did Jack have to face this? Rayane watched the next shot with tears in his eyes. They took off Jack's jeans, he was lying on the ground, covering his face with his hands, while these assholes were pissing on him. The video ended. Rayane locked his phone and looked in front of him. He didn't know what he wanted to do: Find these assholes by any means necessary, ask Karim for help, beat them up and film them, or run to Jack and tell him that he loved him madly and he was so sorry that he wasn't there at that moment. Jack. He needs Jack.
"Rayane?... are you okay?" Diego puts his hand on his shoulder and looks him in the eyes.
"Where did you find this?" Rayane says with difficulty.
"On Instagram. I was scrolling through Maude's page, she posted a post a long time ago in support of Jack, and she tagged the hashtag, under this hashtag there was a video"
"Just try showing it to anyone" Rayane says quietly "Diego, just try it. Did you hear me" he raises his voice.
"No, no" Diego said cautiously. "Of course, no one will know about this"
Rayane slowly got up from the bench, a veil of tears before his eyes. Moments from the video floated into his head. "Jack is looking at the camera" He takes a breath. "Jack is lying on the ground". Tears continue to flow from his eyes. He wanted to hide from everyone. He left the school yard and, as if in a trance, walked straight down the street. Thoughts were spinning in his head, he was thinking about Jack. What happened to him next? How did he get home? Where did those assholes go? Did they put them in jail? How could they do this to the person he loved? And the main question: How could Jack be so bright and radiate so much positivity after what life did to him? He ran to Jack, he felt guilty in front of him, for not having pressed him enough yesterday and not finding out the real reason for his sadness.
Jack was lying on the bed, facing the wall. He remembered that day over and over again. He remembered how scared he was, how he got home, how the video flew around all the groups at school. He closed his eyes. A worthless person. How could he forget that he was a worthless person, that this year with Ryan was just a mask, a mask of who he never was. He was a victim, he would always be a victim. It was time to accept it, it was a bright reminder from the past, a reminder of who he was. He could no longer wander in his thoughts and put on his headphones.
He woke up to feel a hand on his waist – Rayane. Rayane lay down next to him and hugged him. He looked at his face and understood without words, he knew, he saw.
"What are you doing here? You still have three classes" Jack asked worriedly.
"Nothing, I just missed you. Are you feeling better?" Rayane said, hugging Jack.
Jack fell silent. He turned to Rayane and sat up in bed. Rayane's eyes were red and swollen, it was obvious he had been crying. Jack realized he had forgotten to text Diego not to show this to Rayane under any circumstances. That he shouldn't see this. But it was already too late, Rayane was here and there was no avoiding conversation.
"Rayane" Jack looked into his eyes carefully. "Did you see it? Yes?"
"What are you talking about?" Rayane tried to pretend he didn't understand, but he knew he could never fool Jack.
"Rayane..." Jack looked into his eyes.
Rayane said nothing. Jack turned away, he didn't know why, but he was overcome with anger. He had hidden this from everyone for so long, and especially from Rayane, and it all came out so stupidly. Now he would look at him as a victim, he already had such a reputation, and now it would be obvious.
"Jack... please, talk to me" Rayane took Jack's hand in his.
"It was a long time ago, I'm fine"
"No, you're not fine, you think I don't see how this has affected you" he squeezed Jack's hand tighter "Please. I don't want you to keep this to yourself, please. We have to get through this together, Jack"
Jack found the strength to look at Rayane. It was obvious that he was worried, he was also feeling bad now, he imagined what would happen if he were in his place. He would also crave answers to all the questions. He would also want to help him.
"Okay" Jack could not continue to look at him and looked away, somewhere down, while holding his boyfriend's hand tightly. "I was fifteen years old... It so happened that I had to come out, Lizzie and I decided to shoot a video where I confess... Everything was fine, everyone supported me, but at some point a guy wrote to me and invited me to meet at the fair" Jack hesitated "Then it turned out that it was Maud, she pretended to be a guy, I still don't understand why, but she didn't know about the attack"
Jack looked Rayane in the eyes and squeezed his hand tighter.
"When I realized no one was coming, I left... and these guys attacked me" Jack fell silent "You saw the rest" He closed his eyes "They took my clothes... I went back to the fair, I was lucky, there was a girl there who gave me a blanket and a ride home. The next day, this video was in every chat room at school, everyone saw it, many wrote about how disgusting I was, that I deserved it, that I deserved it..."
"It's not true" Rayane tried not to cry and convince his boyfriend otherwise "Jack, you know it's not true, right?"
"Yeah, but... at that moment, I believed them"
Rayane pulled Jack close and hugged him tightly, burying his nose in his shoulder. Jack continued.
"Then my mom insisted that we go to the police and file a report. It was so embarrassing. These guys got caught and put away, like, for two years, that's all I know about them..."
Rayane couldn't hold back his emotions. He thought he could listen to Jack's story without crying, but no. He had to leave. He didn't want Jack to take his tears for pity. He just stood up and went to the bathroom. Without saying a word. When he got into the bathroom, he looked at himself in the mirror and cried. He cried because the best person he knew, the person he loved so much, the person who would never hurt anyone, was treated like this. He looked at himself in the mirror and thought about his coming out, how easy it was thanks to Jack, he was so grateful to him for that. He went back into the room. Jack was sitting on the bed and as he walked in, he looked at him with frightened eyes. He realized how ugly he had left, leaving Jack alone with his thoughts.
"Rayane, tell me honestly, do you think I'm weak? A victim? It's just... that's how our relationship started, and it's still going on" Jack looked into Rayane's eyes and waited for confirmation of his suspicions.
Rayane was silent. He couldn't even imagine that Jack considered himself weak. He took him by the chin and looked into his eyes, which were filled with tears.
"Listen" Rayane wiped away a tear that was rolling down Jack's cheek "When we met, the first thing that attracted me to you was that, despite what happened to you, you came to school. With a scratched face, with these stupid bandages" he smiled "I envied you, that you could do it, that you gave up on society's opinion and lived on. Now you've proven to me once again how strong you are, Jack"
Jack hugged Rayane abruptly, but he continued talking.
"You saved me, Jack" Rayane's tears soaked Jack's T-shirt" It was me who needed help then. And you… the one who helped me, Jack" his voice shook, but he continued to speak "Everything you've been through and what you've become… I've seen and see only strength in you" he sniffed and released his arms.
They looked into each other's eyes, which reflected only love. Rayane pulled Jack into a kiss, and then continued.
"But by the way, your pretty face attracted me first" he chuckled and wiped the tears from his face.
"I love you" Jack said quietly.
"I love you more"