Archive of Our Own

There’s something so weird about seeing someone you used to talk to every minute of your day pass you by like some stranger you’ve never seen before. Some stranger you weirdly dream of at night. Some stranger that you can remember crying for in the bathroom. Some stranger you used to kiss, hug, and hold hands with.

Some stranger you used to love.

Lux remembers it a little too well to her liking. She remembers walking away. She remembers how her tears stained the books she tried to read for some distraction. She remembers how awkward it was the next day passing by the same blue-haired girl she used to share a bed with, crossing paths with her like nothing was wrong.

And maybe nothing is indeed wrong and she’s just the only one stuck in the aftermath of her own decisions.

Is it possible? To be the one to leave and be the one to regret it?

“Lux!” The sound of her name leaving Seraphine’s lips took her out of her thoughts, bringing her back to the noisy place, filled with howling laughter and loud chatter from people whose faces she knew but names she couldn’t remember. Of course, it’s Seraphine’s birthday. Everyone’s practically invited.

That includes Jinx.

It isn’t hard to spot her. Not when Lux seemed to memorize that face of hers. Or how Lux practically had that laugh of hers ingrained in her mind. Or how that blue hair of hers stole the show in every room she’s in. It’s not hard to spot the way those pink eyes gave her a split second of a glance the moment she stepped in.

She shook her head, convincing herself that it was nothing but an illusion. She smiled, handing Seraphine a gift, “Hey, Sera. Thanks for inviting me here! I hope you’ll like the gift.” She was enveloped in a hug, inwardly wishing it was Jinx instead.

‘No…I shouldn’t think of that.’

“I’m more glad you showed up! I heard you’re like super busy!” Ah, of course. Nothing new. Ever since the whole fiasco with Jinx happened, she threw herself into her work. Trying her hardest to forget every bit of the emotions she’s feeling. It didn’t work, of course. But it did distract her enough to show up in public gatherings without puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks. It saved her the embarrassment and the time for explaining what the hell happened. Frankly, she’d rather not talk about it.

She only laughed, letting Seraphine drag her inside, “I took some time off! I can’t miss your birthday party out of everyone.”

She was greeted alongside Seraphine by many people whose names she didn’t even know. She wonders where they met them. Around the school? In the mall? In a bar where she’s drunk and out of it? But then again, she’s a Crownguard. Of course, everybody knows her.

“Lux!” Caitlyn’s voice rang out, giving her a sense of relief for not looking like a complete loner in the room. She’d rather not hang out with Seraphine, especially since Jinx is her friend. She sighed, waving her hand and smiling, “Here you go, Lux. Hit me up if you need anything. Have fun!” Seraphine walked away, her hair jumping as she went. Stopping sometimes to be in photos.

“Happy birthday again!” She greeted but it seemed it was drowned out by the loud music. It was unlike the messy clubs she used to go to with Jinx but it sure felt like one—especially with how big Seraphine’s house is.

“It’s nice to see you somewhere other than your office,” Caitlyn remarked, handing her a drink which she sipped slowly—still awkward from the way people still give her glances every now and then, “Ignore them. It’s not every day that you see a Crownguard mingling with everyone else.”

She nodded, sitting down on the empty chair beside Cait which only seemed like the perfect angle to have her see Jinx every minute, either alone or with someone else she doesn’t even know. She looked away, she couldn’t stomach the sight of that. Which, of course, Caitlyn noticed, “You could go there and talk to her, Lux.”

She could. But will she? Lux knows when to step in and when not to. She shook her head, chugging down her drink like someone hasn’t had a drink in years, “If you can’t talk to her…what are the odds she wouldn’t do the same to me?”

It didn’t take long for Caitlyn to leave. Leaving with that pink-haired girlfriend of hers, Lux once again sat alone, still in that same chair that gave her a pleasant view of the girl she’d rather be with for the night.

But pondering on things that will no longer happen is nothing but a waste of time, right? Well, if it isn’t out of pure respect for her and Seraphine’s friendship she’d never even have her shadow be here, let alone step foot in the room. But, alas, she still has to keep up appearances whether it’ll be at family dinners or college parties that only remind her of her mistake.

It wouldn’t take her more than twenty steps to be able to stand face-to-face with Jinx. It wouldn’t take much of her energy to walk over there and sit like nothing’s happened. It wouldn’t take her hours to sit beside the birthday girl and ignore the fact that the girl she likes is kissing someone else.

‘How do people in romance novels get over this so quickly…?’ She sighed, ordering another drink. She should’ve known those fantasy books would only build her an unstable foundation for anything romantic.

Romance isn’t quite like the fairytales she read as a kid. She found herself drunkenly chuckling at the memory of her mother telling her that fairytales are far from reality. She really should’ve listened. She hated to admit that her mother may be right. That everything about Jinx was a mistake she’d done. Yes, disobeying her parents for Jinx did help her get the independence she wanted but at what cost? Her heart breaking at the sight of the blue-haired girls laughing with other girls whose shoes she wants to be in right now.

“What’s cooking, good looking?” Ezreal’s voice took her mind and her sight away from Jinx. For a moment she didn’t even recognize him. After all, they haven’t hung out much, “Hi, Ezreal.” Bland greeting, yes. But what is she supposed to do? When you’re in a room with no one else and seeing the girl you left be happy with someone who isn’t you…how are you supposed to act?

“Y’know…I’m wondering why you’re here all alone…” Usually, when somebody talks to her with that tone she’d turn it down but she’s alone and frankly, any distraction would do at this point. She only laughed, “I have a particular liking for hanging out by myself.”

“Ah…if this is about Jinx…really, she’s too drunk to even care you’re near her!” She swallowed a lump in her throat, feigning nonchalance at the mention of the name she wanted to avoid, “What…no. No…uh…you know what, I actually should get going-”

She was cut off by Ezreal pulling off her seat and locking eyes with her, that mischievous grin on his face, “Nah, the night’s too young for you to leave, Lux. Come on!” She tried protesting, really, but there was no use. It, indeed, didn’t take more than a few steps to have her sit near Jinx. Despite not looking at her, Lux can feel the blue-haired girl’s gaze linger on her.

She can’t say anything about it, of course. It’s quite rude to distract a person who’s heavily making out with someone.

She mentally rolled her eyes, making a mental note to not seem so affected. She can’t always use alcohol as an excuse for her sober behavior. She hopes to have Seraphine here at least to alleviate the awkwardness between her and Ezreal or the tension between her and Jinx.

“So, what are you up to, Ms. Crownguard?” She rolled her eyes, accepting the drinks with a laugh “Please, Lux will do. And to answer your question…none actually. I am pretty free these days.”

Ezreal nodded, taking a sip of his drink before replying, “I see…how about Friday?”

“What?”

“I’m asking if you’re free on Friday.”

Oh. It’s that kind of invitation.

She’s never been asked out before. Well, she did but not this direct. It’s only ever through letters slipped through her locker that she didn’t bother to respond with, thinking it’s some silly prank her schoolmates are doing. This time’s different. It’s direct, it’s right in front of her, and she actually doesn’t know what to say.

And Jinx didn't ask her out, either. They just kissed and somehow it was an unspoken mutual agreement between the two of them to keep it going. To keep going until one of them decides to stop. Until Lux decided to stop.

‘Stop. Stop thinking about Jinx in front of someone who's literally asking you out for a date!’

Her nervous laughter was evident, trying to lower down her voice to a whisper, “If this is about making Jinx jealous, please don’t.” To which Ezreal looked at her in confusion and let out a loud laugh. At least he’s considerate enough for his response to be a whisper, not a loud proclamation, “No way. You’re…pretty. It’d be nice to have you on a date or something…”

She laughed at the way the blonde guy scratched his neck from shyness, assuming this is the alcohol doing wonders on the cocky guy she saw before. She nodded, “Alright, I guess I can clear my schedule for that day…”

The sudden arm around her shoulders made her flinch but seeing as how big Ezreal’s smile was, she shrugged it off, ‘Maybe this is how he just shows his excitement.’ Of course, the way those pink eyes stared at them hadn’t gone unnoticed by her.

“Hey, Ez! Get your hands off her!” Seraphine’s voice interrupted the laughter between the two. She can hear the faint slap of the pink-haired girl’s hand against Ezreal’s shoulder which made him yelp, “I was just being friendly!”

“Yeah, yeah you said that last time before going out with that girl from the other school!” Lux looked away, feeling a tinge of awkwardness from being in between their banter, letting her sip on her drink slowly. It wasn’t long for Seraphine to notice her being so tense, “Sorry, sweetie. Did Ez do anything?”

She shook her head in response, a sweet smile plastered on her face, “Not at all! We were just discussing plans for Friday.” Seraphine gave Ezreal a look which only made her sigh, “Well, that’s nice! It’s good to see you somewhere else other than that shiny office of yours!” She laughed, noticing the way Jinx drank her liquor in one go, the clink of glass against the metal countertop was loud enough to make Lux’s gaze fall on her for a while.

She cleared her throat, “Yeah…uhm…the last week’s been a hassle so yep…!” She playfully shrugged, putting her glass up as a toast, “How about a toast for the prettiest birthday girl tonight?” The cheers and roars of those around her as well as the way their glasses clinked with each other felt enough to drown out the way her heat thumped, seemingly jumping out of her chest.

The burning alcohol was enough to get her thoughts straight. For now, at least.

She, out of all people, should’ve known better.

She knows what alcohol does to her and she doesn’t know what made her think this time’s any different. It may be a different place than the one she goes to with Jinx but the same heavy music, the same heart-pounding dancing, the same alcohol that makes her suffer.

The same enjoyment, too.

The same enjoyment with a different person this time.

Ezreal’s far-from-serious demeanor and the way he pushes her to let go and have fun was what got her in the middle of these people she doesn’t know, mindlessly dancing to songs that talked about drugs, sex, money, and whatever. Not that it matters, no, of course it didn’t matter. What mattered was forgetting her. Forgetting Jinx.

In the head of someone who’s been drowning herself in work for weeks now, this is the closest she can get to forgetting the memory of the girl that’s been plaguing her. Unorthodox, yes. But it helped a lot more and was less boring than council work.

Ezreal pushes her to have fun. To let loose.

The same way Jinx did.

As if fate had read her mind, the small space was enough for her to bump against the blue-haired girl. She can feel the way those braids run across her skin, making her shiver. She heard a scoff, making her turn around which she wished she didn't do.

The moment those pink eyes met hers, it felt like all progress she had of forgetting her fell down like a fragile house of cards. That familiar smirk, the familiar tattoos she used to run her fingers across, that minty scent she can remember vividly like it's yesterday.

If it wasn't for Ezreal’s hands on her waist, she would've been done for.

“There you are! I was looking for you.” She’d be happy to entertain Ezreal’s enthusiasm anytime but not when Jinx is looking at her so intently. If looks could kill, you wouldn't wanna be Lux in this situation

“Ezreal…wait-” She turned around, the latter was strong enough to have her face him. He probably didn't notice the pink eyes that were observing them. He probably didn't notice the way Jinx rolled her eyes the moment his lips met Lux’s. He probably didn't notice the blue-haired girl's footsteps fading away as Lux responded to the kiss.

Kissing at a party wasn't new for her. It felt natural to do this. The only thing that didn't feel natural at all was the fact that the one she was kissing didn't have the long hair she was used to touching.

The only unnatural thing is that it isn't Jinx.

She groaned, annoyed at how her mind went back to her. To the person she's trying to forget the most. Ezreal mistook her groan to deepen the kiss. Which she reciprocated. She could feel people staring but it didn't matter. She could feel that one girl staring but it didn't matter. It has to stop now. Those plaguing memories have to stop now.

But that moment didn't last long.

Because for a moment, it wasn't Ezreal that was kissing her. It's not some blonde dude she's seeing. For a moment, there's that tinge of blue hair and the flash of pink eyes. That moment lasted for a split second but made this entire hook-up so much better than it was.

Fuck.

She can't do this.

‘I really should stop…’

“Hey, you okay?” The blonde guy’s voice shouted through the crowd, holding her shoulders as if grounding her. She shook her head, “Mind if I step out for a bit?”

She wanted to go alone, it's quite a sight to see you leave the dancefloor into the bathroom with some guy but Ezreal insisted that he’d help. Maybe under all that cocky exterior of his, he's actually nice.

She leaned against the wall, hyperventilating. She made a mental note to avoid parties for some time, “I….I’m fine. I think I had too much to drink.” She smiled despite feeling like she's gonna puke it all out anytime soon.

Ezreal nodded, giving her a small pat on her shoulder, “It's cool. You should rest for a bit.”

She sighed, running her hand through her hair. She is messed up, she'll admit. She hated this. She hated that she couldn’t even have fun on her own without some girl getting in her thoughts. She stood up, “I think I’m going home.”

“Sure, yeah. I’ll walk you to your car…” She saw Ezreal hesitate, “It’s not because of the kiss…right?”

She laughed, “It kinda is because of the kiss but more because I was surprised.” A half-truth which isn’t so bad. Of course, she wasn’t surprised. She also wouldn’t tell the person she’s making out with that she’d rather kiss her ex.

The walk toward the door is arduous. With people getting in the way and the fact that Ezreal knew a lot of people, the usual three-minute walk might just become fifteen. She had to find Seraphine as well to bid goodbye and thank her for the invitation. Frankly, after seeing the amount of people that are making out around her, she wanted nothing more than to leave.

“Watch where you’re going, loverboy,” That familiar voice took her eyes away from the people playing beer pong and instead landed on the girl in front of them with a scowl on her face, “The golden boy and his... latest conquest. What a sight.” Her voice is dripping with sarcasm, her scoff that followed was a clear mockery and Lux could feel the tension thicken in the air.

“Lux, let’s go.” It seems, Ezreal knew Jinx enough to not engage in her behavior when she was drunk. But of course, knowing Jinx, she’s not backing down. Not when she’s drunk and she’s spiraling down.

“Must be nice, Ezreal, collecting trophies like they’re trinkets for your next little adventure.” She laughed, loud enough to have some people look at them. If this keeps going on, Lux might not show up in school for a few days from sheer shame. Ezreal put himself between Lux and Jinx seemingly protecting Lux from whatever Jinx had in mind. That action was noticed by Jinx, evident from the way she rolled her eyes as if tired of what she was seeing, “Jinx, now’s really not the time—”

“Save it, pretty boy. You must be really proud of yourself, sweeping Ms. Crownguard off her feet with all your charming tales and heroic deeds. Hmm…did he also tell you about the others he also ‘saved’ along the way?” She looked at Lux, those pink eyes looking at her with rage and mockery. If Lux is not mistaken, she could see a hint of jealousy, too.

She sighed, seeing Seraphine’s pink hair nearing close to them. She really doesn’t want any fight to break out and have herself involved. She’d rather not hear her brother scold her again. Frustrated, she took Jinx’s wrist, pulling her outside, “We need to talk.”

She ignored the fact that she was shivering from the way their skin made contact or the fact that she was holding Jinx again. This needs to stop. All these have to stop.

She glanced back, an apologetic smile on her face as she looked at Ezreal, mouthing a ‘sorry’ in the process.

She didn’t bother looking at Jinx. She didn’t want to. She knows she’s fragile enough to be pulled by this girl once again into something she doesn’t want.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” It came out louder than she intended but it's not like she can help it. She's mad. She's frustrated. She's tired of going in circles.

She heard her scoff, facing her with that malicious smirk of hers, “Oh, come on, Lux. I thought you'd know by now.” She laughed, the familiar one that Lux missed.

She sighed, “Jinx, I seriously don't know what you're talking about—”

“Ezreal.”

“What about him?”

Jinx rolled her eyes, leaning against the wall, “What about him? That dude's a fucking manwhore who can't live without a girl in his bed and it feels like you're stringing me along!”

“What?” It was her turn to scoff, crossing her arms, “Stringing you along? Jinx, we were done. I tried and you pushed me away and now I'm the one stringing you along? You're actually fucking unbelievable.”

Jinx closed the distance between them, her hands gripping Lux’s chin, making her lock eyes with her, “Maybe I don't know what I want because you make everything so damn confusing.” It was a whisper, an argument, a testament between only the two of them.

“Ah, so it's my fault, then? Not knowing your feelings is my fault? Me? Who did everything to make sure you're okay?” She can feel tears springing up in her eyes that she's trying to avoid. She can't cry. Not now. Not when she's trying her best to forget everything, “Is it so wrong to ask you to be honest? To ask you if you actually felt the same way about me?”

Three words, eight letters. So simple and yet so difficult to admit.

“Honest? You want honesty? Fine. It makes me sick seeing you with him. It feels like you're throwing whatever we had right in my face.”

Lux could point out all the loopholes in Jinx’s statement. She could say that it shouldn't matter because they've never been a thing at all. She could say that Jinx should let it go the way Lux did. She could say that Jinx should just leave her alone.

“I know this isn't just about Ezreal, Jinx.”

Jinx laughed, letting go of her grip and running her hand across her hair, “So what is it then? Cause you're so smart to have everything figured out, right? Always so ahead of everything.”

There was that mockery towards Lux that made her feel a pang of hurt and sadness in her. The Jinx she knew wouldn't say that. The Jinx she knew wouldn't see her that way. The Jinx she knew cared for her.

She turned her back, eyes fixated on her car, “I'm not doing this, Jinx. I'm not going to stand here and let you turn this all on me.”

She was at fault for the plaguing memories but it wasn't her fault why she left in the first place. She can't stay running around in circles. She can't keep coming back. She knows some memories have to stay as memories alone.

“And what are you going to do, Lux? Walk away? Again?”

She stopped in her tracks, looking back at Jinx. Which she shouldn't have. Jinx looked disheveled. The bags under her eyes are bigger than usual, Lux wonders if she even slept. She could notice that she'd put off a bit of weight, and her collarbones were more evident than before. If Lux were delusional enough, she could see bits of tears shining in those pink eyes she liked to look at.

It didn't take long for her to look away, her shoes against concrete the only noise between them—a few more steps. A few more steps before this is all over.

She hopes it'll be over.

“Maybe I am. Maybe that's the only thing I can do right now.”

“Luxanna, mother's worried about you.” She could hear her brother's knocks and the way his voice sounded concerned. She understands where that concern is coming from. After all, she's been cooped up in her room for days now. With their maids giving her food, there's no reason to leave the confines of her room. There's no reason to breathe in some fresh air after last week's endeavors.

Happenings of happenstance left her numb. Numb enough to uncharacteristically skip school for a few days. Typically, she wouldn’t let shallow things like this hold her back from her normal routine but she’d really rather rest her mind for a bit than deal with flashbacks in the middle of the hallway. Yeah, not happening.

She groaned, walking up to her door to peek at her brother’s face outside, “I’m sorry.” That was all she could say at all. There aren’t enough words to explain her feelings to her family who’d most likely shove it in her face that they were right all along and she’s wrong.

She couldn’t handle anyone patronizing her right now.

Garen sighed and Lux noticed that he was holding the box of cupcakes she always liked back when she was a kid. Memories of her and her brother arguing over who was getting the last piece flooded back into her mind. Bittersweet memories. It’s scary how much a single person can change you.

“I was hoping you’d like this,” The cupcakes looked nice, she’ll admit that but the thought of eating could even count as a chore at this point, “Mother also says she’s worried and you should join us for dinner.”

“And patronize me?” She sighed and felt a pang of guilt with how her brother’s face shifted into this sense of sadness. She held her hand out, a soft smile on her face—the one she hoped would at least alleviate the concern her brother had, “Fine, I’ll take that but get rid of the long face, it doesn’t suit you.” She heard that familiar chuckle and felt a bit of an ease.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to tell her brother what’s going on for a bit.

“But…I think my eyes are bigger than my appetite,” She opened her door wider, a bigger smile on her face, “Care to join me?”

There was undisturbed silence for a while. Lux noted the subtle awkwardness between her and her brother. It’s been a while since they’ve bonded like this so she can’t blame him. Most of the time when they talk, it’s usually full of small disagreements that they later forget about.

She cleared her throat, wiping away the icing that got on her nose, “You don’t have to act like I’m some uptight stranger.” Her brother’s laugh is refreshing to hear, something to keep her away from her thoughts even just for a bit. Something to stop her from drowning in regret and what-ifs.

“I missed being this close to you…” He sighed, “I’m sorry for being so strict with you like our parents do.” Lux can tell he’s genuine. Her brother may be some stoic big guy that people feel but he cares about her.

She smiled, leaning her head against his shoulder, “It’s alright. I know you just want the best for me…even though it was suffocating.” Their laughter filled the once silent room, reverberating their bond since they were kids—they changed, but it seemed that he’s still a brother that Lux could lean on. Literally.

“So, are you going to tell me what’s going on with you? Because I know you would never skip school days,” Garen turned to look at her, his brows furrowed with confusion and probably a concern, “Is it because of Jinx? I knew she’s a bad influence-”

“No. Let me explain, will you?”

Garen could only sigh and nod, before leaning against the bed, eyes fixated on Lux who fidgeted with the cupcake papers, “I…I just messed up. Jinx and I were done for a long time now and I made that decision myself but I don’t know anymore,” She dislikes crying in front of someone but maybe it’s about time for her to let these out, too. Otherwise, she might just go crazy from holding it in.

“I thought I was alright. I thought I’d be fine after I kissed some guy in a party but I somehow still think about her.” A rough confession but it didn’t matter. She needed help, she needed advice, Even if that meant telling her brother that she was busy making out with someone at a party.

There was an infuriating silence that followed. She saw her brother taking a bite out of the food, awkwardly swallowing it as if it would ease the tension between them, “Please say something.” It sounded like pleading and maybe it is. Maybe she’s tired of having no one to talk to about this.

Garen sighed. Lux knew she messed up by letting him know her whereabouts but if it meant getting help, it’s fine, “Well, I don’t know what you want me to say and I’m sure you won’t be thrilled about getting grounded,” It was her turn to sigh. It was a mistake, she really shouldn’t have.

“But from what I learned…if you made a wrong decision, then make it right.”

She hated using her stature to get out of school. She remembers when she was a kid and she’d sometimes skip class to hang out in the library, knowing she won’t get reprimanded by her teachers because of her name. A few years after that, she learned the existence of ‘abuse of power’ and vowed not to do it again—frankly, she was scared of becoming like the evil tyrannical kings in fantasy books she read.

However, maybe it wouldn’t hurt to take her Crownguard status for a short while. She never hated school, but she did hate showing up on something when she would rather be alone for a while. After all, The whole she had with her brother was compelling enough to have her make an excuse that she’ll be having ‘private tutoring lessons’. That's enough to give her at least a week of rest from the public eye and from Jinx.

Also, she’d rather tell her teachers she’s out for private tutoring lessons and not because she got grounded from making out with Ezreal at a party.

Garen’s words struck her like a bolt of lightning. Despite her brother’s stoic demeanor and strictness, she knows he means well. She also knows he’s wise enough to give her insights—insights that left her staring up at her ceilings, missing hours of sleep.

“Make it right.”

It repeated like a mantra in her head.

It accompanied her when she read, when the cold shower hit her skin, or when she was up late at night staring at the empty garden beside her room. It never left her. It struck her hard enough to be living in her head at all times.

She wants to make it right.

But how?

How can she make it right when she made the wrong decision twice? When she left twice? When she turned her back on Jinx twice?

God, she hated this. She hated having her thoughts fixated on something else when she should be focusing on her exams. On her future. On whatever duty a Crownguard has to fulfill. She’d love to talk to Garen again. Get better advice—something that’s not too vague, at least. But he’s at school and she’s stuck here.

Stuck in her room with nothing to accompany her but her thoughts.

It didn’t take long for her ‘break’ to be over and she’s back in school again. Still plagued by her thoughts but a bit less this time. Maybe the murmurs of her surroundings help drown out her thoughts for a bit.

But then again, what we see can’t be blocked out by the voices of people around us. Seeing Jinx hand-in-hand with another girl can’t be drowned out by the sound of squeaky shoes against the hallway. Seeing Jinx laugh with some other girl that isn’t her can’t be drowned out by the speakers calling out her name, asking her to be in the council office for a meeting.

She also couldn’t drown out the way Jinx looked at her for a very split second, a hint of mockery in that smirk of hers while one hand found itself on the waist of some girl she couldn’t recognize.

“Make it right.”

But what if she can’t?

“Meeting’s over, Crownguard.” She could hear Vi’s voice coming up, sitting in front of her with Caitlyn beside her. The latter gave her a playful smack on her shoulder, “Give her a rest, Vi. You okay?”

Lux could do nothing but nod. She can feel her mouth starting to dry from the lack of words she has spoken ever since stepping her feet back in school. It was a mistake, really. Now even the thought of eating felt more tiring than usual.

She heard a sigh before feeling the weight of Caitlyn’s hand on her shoulder, “Stay here for as long as you need, Lux.”

She can tell that Caitlyn has a lot more to say. She also knows that Caitlyn knows it’s about Jinx. But it’s a bit disrespectful talking about someone’s little sister if they’re in front of you. Truthfully, she could ask Vi. Ask her how Jinx has been doing. Ask her if Jinx ever cried when she left. Ask her if there were even traces that Jinx would still want her back.

But after this morning’s fiasco, she’d rather shut up. After all, she knew how to shut up and stop when she had to.

She could point out all her flaws in this situation. How she didn’t give Jinx a chance to figure out what she felt. How she let her emotions take their toll on her and left without looking back. In a way, when Jinx said she was making it difficult, maybe it was true. Maybe she’s indeed the problem here. Pushing herself on someone who can’t even understand their emotions in the first place.

“Lux?” Her gaze left her phone and landed on the two concerned faces in front of her, “Sorry?”

“Did something happen between you and Jinx after the party? I mean, Cait and I left early.” She can hear the genuine concern in Vi’s voice, “Not much…I left after the two of you left.” A lie. Not even a half-truth but an entire lie. She would rather say something untrue than talk about what’s been bothering her.

It became a cycle. To wake up and be at school and hope nobody would care enough to ask her questions. She’s glad that neither Vi nor Caitlyn bothered to bring Jinx up. She felt bad for feeling like they were treading on eggshells around her.

Sure, she did want to make it right. To make things right. But she doesn’t think Jinx would appreciate the sight of her running back into her arms. The best she could do was forget about it. Forget as if the last few months didn’t happen. School is ending, anyway. It won’t be too hard to ask her parents to book her a flight to someplace far away. Maybe leaving this place would cause those dreadful memories to finally leave her, too.

“Right, Luxanna we’ll be leaving tomorrow for some golfing, would you like to join us?” Her mother’s voice perked up in between the clashing of metal spoons against the ceramic plates. Ah, for a moment she forgot she’s not at school and that tomorrow’s a weekend. With how much Jinx has been in her mind, she lost track of time. She cleared her throat, taking a sip of her water before she replied, “I’d love to but I have some essays to write.”

A half-truth this time—she’d really rather rot herself in her room than deal with posh elites her parents are playing with on the golf course. Her mother’s hand reached to touch hers and Lux could see that sickeningly sweet smile on her face, “Of course, darling. We know just how well you’ve been studying lately.”

‘Well, it’s the only way to get the girl that you don’t want for me out of my head, so yes.’ Was her first thought and it took everything in her to not blurt it out in the middle of a good dinner. She wonders if her mother gets a kick at seeing her miserable from how Jinx has been tormenting her thoughts.

There was more silence now that her family’s car just left the driveway. The house, once filled with the bustling noises of footsteps, chatters, and banters felt eerily quiet. Lux remembered standing in the doorway, watching the taillights disappear around the corner. She could have all the freedom in the world right now to do what she wants. Normally—before fucking up everything a few weeks ago—she’d be drinking and making out at some random bar with Jinx. Those nights were filled with reckless abandon, but they made her feel alive more than she ever felt in her own house.

She could be in Jinx's apartment right now, listening to those stupid stories that Jinx loved to tell. Stories that made no sense but always managed to make her laugh. Lux missed those moments— the thrill of being with someone who lived so unapologetically. But Lux has no place in Jinx’s life now, right?

She remembered the way Jinx used to look at her—those pink eyes filled with a teasing look in them, challenging her to be free. How had it all gone so wrong? Lux bit her lip, trying to hold back the tears threatening to spill. She had messed up, pushed Jinx away when things got tough. Maybe it was for the best, she told herself. Maybe Jinx deserved someone who wouldn’t run at the first sign of trouble. That self-awareness never prevented that aching feeling from resurfacing, of course.

There’s some other girl. Someone better. Someone who probably wouldn’t leave at the slightest inconvenience. Someone who won’t make things difficult for Jinx. Lux knew she had her flaws, her moments of hesitation and fear. She hated herself for the times she pulled away, for not being smart enough to make good decisions that didn’t lead to both of them hurting. And now, someone else was filling the void she left behind. A complete stranger has been burrowing in her mind and her essay continues to be blank. She stared at the empty screen, the blinking cursor mocking her inability to focus.

Lux let out a sigh, running a hand through her hair, and leaned against her chair. She had to move on, focus on her studies, her family, anything to get Jinx out of her mind. But it was hard, especially when every little thing reminded her of what they had. She had loved whatever Jinx brought into her life, the spontaneity, the thrill. It was addictive, and now that it was gone, everything felt dull and lifeless.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a soft noise outside. She frowned, standing up and heading to her window which overlooked the garden. There was nobody there except for the occasional guards who passed by. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to take a break from sitting for now and roam around the loan. It sure does feel nice to sit on the grass for a bit.

“Ah! Ms. Luxanna, always a pleasure to see you. Is everything okay?” She was greeted by the smiling face of an old man who she could recognize as their butler, one who had been working for them for so long. She could remember him giving her a small trinket as a gift on her 5th birthday. It wasn’t a lot but she appreciated the gesture.

She smiled back, the crunch of grass against her shoes felt refreshing. A novel sound in comparison to the clicking of her keyboard, “Nothing much, sir. I figured I could walk around and breathe some air.”

There was laughter and it was nice. It felt nice for a while to interact with people who are clueless of what she’s going through, “Oh, please. You’ve always been so polite. No need to call me sir at all!” She shook her head, walking alongside the old man, “That won’t do. You’ve been working for us for so long and you deserve a title as well.” She smiled warmly, that familiar smile that always seemed to brighten up the day of those around her.

“Anyway, I do agree that the garden is a nice place to walk around. It’s always here when one wants to clear their thoughts.” Lux couldn’t agree more with that statement. With how much stuff has been going on for the past few months, this may be the only time she can feel herself calming down. She nodded, “It does. Sometimes…things just get in my head and I forget this place even exists.”

The old man gave her a look that can be described as wise and gentle, “It is important to take a step back and find moments of peace. You’ve always been a bright light, Ms. Luxanna. Don’t let your thoughts dim that light.”

First her brother, and now their butler. Maybe it isn’t so wrong to lean on someone else other than herself for a while. She smiled, her eyes soft and thankful, “Thank you. That means a lot coming from you,” The crunch of the grass and the gentle afternoon breeze felt like a small escape from her plaguing thought, she felt a lot lighter from their conversation, “It does feel like I’m losing myself lately…” She trailed off.

There was a smile before he replied to her, “Well, Ms. Luxanna, I hope whatever life throws at you, you find your light in the end.”

“Even if it meant letting go?”

“Even if it meant letting go.”

Lux had that urge to hug him or even say something more profound. If it weren’t for the small hint of movement she noticed behind the bushes, she would’ve done those things, “Thank you…is it okay if I wander off for a bit?” A nod was all she needed to walk away, curiosity taking over her.

She walked toward the bushes, expecting a stray cat that somehow ended up there. As she got closer, she saw a familiar figure hiding poorly behind everything. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw a tingle of blue, contrasting the shades of green in the garden, “Jinx?” It was a whisper, more to herself than to whoever was behind the bushes.

She moved closer, one swift movement to clear the branches that blocked her and the figure before her. But, alas, it was nothing. Probably some squirrel that somehow ended up here or another trick of her never-ending raging thoughts. She didn’t know what she expected. A graffiti of Jinx’s? Some gift? Or maybe Jinx herself? It’s stupid. Her mind does crazy tricks.

She sighed, shaking her head, “Ah, I really must’ve lost it,” She giggled, feeling more at ease now after the whole talk, “Especially when I’m talking to myself.”

She walked away, shrugging off that weird moment in the garden a few seconds ago. He’s right. Maybe it’s time she stops losing herself and come back to who she was before everything else. It might not be easy and it sure does hurt to leave everything behind but…what else is there left to do?

Jinx knew it was a mistake to let Lux go.

She should’ve said what she felt in the first place. She should’ve known running away from whatever shit that was chasing her never did her any good at all. She should’ve known she could’ve said something, anything at all, just to keep that blonde girl from walking away.

Jinx knew it was also a mistake screaming at Lux.

She was drunk, she was out of it. She saw Lux kissing Ezreal and she hated that. Seeing Lux all alone in a place where they used to have fun was already horrible enough. Yet, seeing that smile of hers with someone who isn’t Jinx…was nauseating. Sure, maybe it was from the shit ton of alcohol she’s been drinking all night but it didn’t change the fact that she wants Lux back. That she misses her.

That moment she shouted at her, telling her she made things difficult, she knew right then that it was over. She knew she blew whatever chance she had.

If it wasn’t for her sister knocking some sense into her after catching her hooking up with some girl whose name she can’t even remember, she knew she fucked up. Vi can’t blame her, of course. She knew nobody could replace Lux. That smile, that laughter, that warmth that nobody could replicate. She can have as many hookups as she wants like some fucked up modern version of King Henry VIII but she knew Lux wouldn’t leave her head at all.

It didn’t take any long convincing or pep talks from Vi to have her rushing to find Lux’s palace. She’s never been here, used to having her place get used all the time. But seeing how big and absolutely rich this place is, she regretted not being here sooner.

In typical Jinx fashion, she found it boring to come up to one of the guards at the gates and ask them for Lux. No, of course not. Sneaking into a guarded estate seemed better, and fun. It did piss her off with how awfully huge this place is, ‘Who the fuck needs three huge gardens?’ was what she thought. It took a lot of close calls and getting lost before hearing a faint voice. It sounded like laughter, Lux’s laughter.

She’s too far away to hear Lux but she took this time to catch her breath, fixing her hair and removing the twigs that got stuck in it. She thought of what she was going to say. She’s bad at this, confessions aren’t exactly what she’s good at but she does know she can’t fuck it up this time. Vi made it clear that she needed to fix this.

There was something about Lux that made her magnetic. Maybe it was her charm. The way she had enough patience to still smile at Jinx despite all those antics she did. Maybe it was the way she laughed. That laughter could have a girl melt in the hallway. Or maybe how she kissed. It was heavenly. Everything about her is heavenly.

Jinx knows she’s no Shakespeare and she most likely failed her English classes but she knows that Lux could be equal to an angel. Graceful, perfect, a contrast to who she is. In a way, maybe that was the reason she shut those feelings out. The idea of someone that was perfect with her was suffocating.

She stood still after hearing footsteps near her. What followed was Lux’s voice, uncharacteristically sad and quiet, “It does feel like I’m losing myself lately…” Her words hung in the air. The silence that followed left Jinx lost in her thoughts. The regret, the guilt. It was nauseating processing what Lux said.

Jinx’s expression softened, subdued by the weight of her actions leading to this. Leading to something she never wanted to hear from Lux.

Jinx knew that feeling well. Like a fucking whirlwind that takes you away from finding a solid ground to land on, spinning out of control. Hearing that from someone like Lux. Someone who used to keep her from going off the rails. It felt like looking through a cracked mirror and Jinx hated that thought. She hated the thought of Lux losing herself like how Jinx felt lost her entire life.

She wants to grab Lux. Tell her she’s okay. Tell her that she’ll help her find herself even when Jinx herself doesn't know her way back. Help the only one who ever made her feel something real. The one who won’t leave her mind when everything else is a blur.

“Even if it meant letting go?”

But alas, sometimes we’re too late, aren’t we? Too late to ask for an apology. Too late to ask for things to go differently. Too late to ask for a different ending.

Too late to change things.

Too late to tell Lux that she loved her.

After all this time she did.

Maybe she jinxed it.

“Luxanna Crownguard.”

The applause that followed her name was deafening. Seraphine wasn’t wrong when she told Lux a few weeks ago that she’d be graduating at the top of the class along with Caitlyn. The sound of her heels against the stage echoed and felt euphoric. Standing in front of a crowd and receiving awards felt so surreal after everything.

Long story short, like how Lux would always tell her schoolmates, she had to get a few weeks of a ‘break’ from the overwhelming amount of schoolwork she needed to do. Which was, of course, a lie. But that's better than saying that a significant blue-haired girl occupied her thoughts during those weeks.

She should be happy…right?

Being here with these prestigious awards was supposed to mean something. Yet despite the accolades and congratulatory smiles she received, a sense of emptiness clawed its way up. Rising up like bile up her throat now that nothing else lingered in her mind, giving it enough room to dig through the stuff she wanted to be buried.

She looked around, hoping that the sonder would take away her thoughts and distract herself. However, even the embrace of her peers with their families and friends, those beaming faces, continued to contrast this hollowness she felt. It's odd. To feel empty when you're supposed to be celebrating. To feel like nothing is missing.

Maybe something is indeed missing.

Something she just didn't want to consider.

She spotted Caitlyn amidst the hugging and crying and made her way over. "Caitlyn, hey," she called out, forcing a cheerful tone. "Where's Vi? I thought I saw her earlier."

Caitlyn returned her smile, “Yeah, she was here but had to leave in a hurry.” She gave Lux a hug, congratulating her in the embrace, “Congratulations, by the way, you deserved it.”

“Awh, I was hoping to congratulate Vi as well. I didn't know she left early.”

She was expecting Caitlyn to pat her back or tell her she'd be relaying Lux’s message but what she saw was a faltered smile, “Lux, you didn't know…?”

Her brows furrowed, a silent worry creeping up on her. There was worry yet she had no idea where that came from, “Know what?”

“Jinx is leaving town today. Vi’s helping her pack her things.”

You know those very cliche scenes in romance movies where it felt like the world stopped? Lux felt that. But not in any romantic way. The world stopped with dread. Her heart skipped a beat with a cold wave of realization flooding her.

Jinx is leaving.

And it's all because of her.

All those emotions she tried to hide resurfaced, and memories of conversations that ended with her walking away came back—a harsh reminder of everything that happened. Everything she tried to bury.

Nothing ever stays dead, does it?

Not even memories she wanted to forget.

Not even feelings she tried to let go.

She walked away twice. Trying to make an insurmountable distance between her, her emotions, and that blue-haired girl whose gaze she missed. Yet there was regret. It lingered. Dormant and resting, finding the opportunity to spill out again.

“She's leaving?” Lux’s voice was barely above a whisper. She felt small surrounded by smiles and laughter.

Caitlyn nodded, her expression sympathetic. She knows everything even if Lux never told her. She knew just how bad this felt. She did, after all, have to let go of someone she loved before, too, “Maybe it’s for the best, Lux. You both need to move on.”

Lux knew Caitlyn was right. She knew she had to let it go. She knew she needed to move on. She knew they both had to walk away from this, leave it all behind, like some happenings of happenstance that will never be mentioned again. But there was something. That sense of not letting Jinx slip away from her thrice rebelling in her. The same rebellion she felt when she chose Jinx over her parents’ uptight upbringing. The same rebellion she felt when she chose saving Jinx over her own expulsion.

The same feeling about choosing Jinx above everything else.

That sense of emptiness she felt. That sense of something missing. Maybe it was Jinx. Maybe it was the lack of her presence in the room, dulling out the supposed grandiose celebration Lux should be celebrating over. Lux knows that she could try saying she’ll let it go a hundred times but the feeling remains the same. The feeling of wanting Jinx back remains.

She looked around again, something stuck in her throat, unable to let out the words, the questions, the confusion she was feeling. Graduation day was supposed to be a milestone, a step towards her future, a step to be who her parents wanted her to be. But how could she stand here, thinking of moving forward when a part of her was still stuck in the past?

“Lux. Whatever you're thinking, don't.”

She ignored Caitlyn's warnings. The voice of her brother echoed in her mind.

“Make it right.”

‘I will.’

She will.

She won't let this happen again.

She's not walking away again.

“Where is she?”

Caitlyn sighed, knowing there was nothing she could do. She knew that feeling well. She had to let go of someone she loved before, too. But she also remembers going back, not letting it go.

If it worked out well for Caitlyn, she could only hope the best for Lux.

“You know where to find her.”

In between her ragged breaths, her hair falling on her face, and her heart beating against her ear, she once again saw the familiar doorway. It’s been a long time, hasn’t it? A long time since she stepped foot inside, bathing under the moonlight and the featherlight touches of someone. A long time since she spoke those three words to Jinx for the first time. A place that wasn’t hers yet felt more at home than anywhere else.

She tried to catch her breath which raced along with her thoughts. Sprinting through the city streets in a dress wasn’t exactly anything fun. It felt like racing with time itself, constantly thinking whether she was too late.

She walked closer to the door, hands inches away from knocking. What was stopping her? The fear? The idea that Jinx might’ve already let her go? She could hear voices inside, Jinx’s roaring voice mingling with Vi’s more grounded tones. She took a deep breath and knocked thrice.

The voices inside fell into silence. Alongside that, Lux’s breath stopped.

It was scary. Having to wait for an indefinite amount of time for the door to open, and having to wait whether she missed her chance or not. It was repugnant. There was a creak and a pink-haired girl emerged behind the door, “Who’s there—” Vi paused, looking at her with bewilderment. Her voice lowered to a whisper, “Lux? What are you–”

“Please. I need to talk to her.”

Her voice felt vulnerable. Like a glass too fragile to even hold. At that moment, she felt small. Faced with the uncertainty of the world, her emotions, and her regret—it was easy to feel miniscule.

“Vi, come on! What the hell’s taking you so long?” Lux heard footsteps and what followed was Jinx’s face—surprised and confused, “Lux…?”

Her blue hair stayed vibrant, a contrast to her eyes which seemed weary. A far-off sight in comparison to her mischievous demeanor Lux was used to. Despite that, Lux can feel walls between them. Walls they built. Walls that Lux wanted nothing more than to break.

She locked eyes with Vi who only opened the door wider, letting her enter. The thud of the door closing echoed along the quiet apartment, followed by Vi’s footsteps in the kitchen. A subtle gesture of giving the two some privacy.

There was silence for a while, an awfully long and awkward silence that was broken by Jinx’s scoff, “Didn’t think I’d see you here.” Lux can’t decipher the tone. Was it mockery? An insult? It didn’t matter. What mattered was that maybe after all this time, she was not yet too late like she believed herself to be.

She faked a cough, hoping it’d get rid of whatever’s stuck in her throat that prevented her from saying the words she wanted to say, “I…I couldn’t let you leave without saying goodbye.”

‘I don’t want you to leave.’

Jinx’s eyes flickered with something—hurt, hope, or maybe anger—it was hard to tell when Lux was trying to fight back tears of her own, too. Tears that threatened to spill any moment now. Tears that were a testament to feelings she wanted to bury down. She looked around, not wanting Jinx to notice her eyes welling up with tears.

The apartment is messy. Half-packed boxes and scattered belongings create a chaotic scenery tinged with bittersweet signs of someone leaving. Yet, despite that, it’s still so…Jinx. The usual chaotic Jinx that made Lux worried but her Jinx is not Jinx without that ounce of recklessness. Her Jinx that always pushed her to have fun. Her Jinx that made her free, despite that freedom being ephemeral.

Her Jinx that she doesn’t want to leave.

Her Jinx that she loves.

Jinx hummed before glancing at Lux’s dress. Pristine white except for the small spots of dirt when she was running across town, “Finally graduated, huh?” Jinx said, her tone laced with sarcasm but lacking its usual bite.

“Yeah,” Lux said softly, taking in the sight of the apartment that she used to visit almost every day, “But…it surely doesn’t feel like much of an achievement right now.”

Jinx raised an eyebrow at her, that usual smirk back in its place, “Why? Because you’re here instead of celebrating with your oh-so-perfect friends?” Lux flinched, feeling the hint of mockery and edge in her voice, “No, no. Of course, not. I’m here to–”

“Please, Lux. You can now go and celebrate your day with some manwhore or whoever. I don’t care, alright?”

Ah, of course. Lux sighed, knowing it was her fault this time. She really shouldn’t have kissed Ezreal right in front of her, “Jinx, please.” She tried raising her voice slightly as JInx turned her back on her, going on to continue packing her things. She hoped it would help in taking Jinx’s attention, not wanting her to walk away this time.

“Lux, just go.”

“I love you.”

There it is.

Three words.

Eight letters.

Something Lux tried to bury but she couldn’t. Something she tried to deny but she couldn’t. Something she tried to forget but her thoughts did otherwise.

She took a deep breath, walking closer to Jinx who didn’t move. Who didn’t even bother to face her. Seemingly stunned, “And you can push me away. You can tell me to leave but I won’t, Jinx.” She stopped, clenching her fists as her eyes betrayed her and her tears spilled, “I wouldn’t let you tell me to walk away thrice this time.”

Her voice trembled with the weight of her words and the words hung in the air—the room silent except for the occasional sniffs that she couldn’t stop. Maybe after all this time, it only felt right for those tears to be let out. The silence stretched on and Lux felt her heart sink before there was a scoff beneath all her tears. That playful tone tinged with something deeper than a tease, “You really know how to get your way, don’t you, blondie?” Jinx glanced over her shoulder. A small smirk played on her lips

That nickname—Jinx’s teasing tone—felt like a light in the darkness for Lux. She blinked, her tears held back by the sudden wash of relief that came over her. She smiled, feeling the tension between them shift, “Yeah, I guess I do.”

Jinx finally turned around, her pink eyes meeting Lux’s with that familiar spark of mischief. Lux can tell Jinx is trying to play it cool but there’s softness in her gaze that wasn’t there the last time Lux looked at her, “You’re really something, huh?” Lux let out a small laugh, tears drying on her cheeks. She stepped closer, the distance between them shrinking, “I know. I also know I don’t want to lose you, Jinx.”

Jinx looked at Lux. Her gaze wavers as the distance between them is mere inches apart. She can feel the walls she’s built around her threatening to crumble entirely. She hated to admit it, hating the thought of even being vulnerable but she knew she couldn’t deny what she felt.

“I’m sorry. For everything. For walking away, for not giving you a chance to figure your feelings out, for making it seem like I was giving up.” Her tears were uncontrollable now. A wave of emotions that didn’t bother coming to a stop, “I love you. I’m so sorry.”

Even back then when the whole world seemed to hate having Lux beside her, she knew what to do to keep her light stick around her. Even on those days when Lux passed the hallway, the two of them not talking, she could feel her heart beating erratically. Even at Seraphine’s party where she saw Lux kiss Ezreal, she felt her heart shattering in a million pieces. Even in her room, in a drunken stupor, bathed in moonlight and the afterglow of a heavy night, she remembers Lux in that heavenly image.

She wanted nothing more but to have her there, beside her.

Hearing Lux like this. Crying and miserable—it felt like a fucking torture.

She wanted nothing more but to comfort her at that moment. To kiss her. To hug her. To protect her from whatever shit her parents put her through. To be her sense of freedom in a world that cages her.

To love her.

“You will be the death of me.”

Their kiss felt different. Even more different than the ones they shared ages ago.

As their lips met, Jinx realized how much she missed Lux, and how much she still needed her. That laughter, that smile, that carefree radiance she brought everywhere—Jinx knows she’s stupid if she lets that slip away from her fingers again. Her hands slip around Lux’s waist, pulling her closer and deepening the kiss as if she’s afraid of letting her go.

Lux kisses her back with equal fervor. Her arms wrapped around Jinx’s neck as she pours all emotions she could never convey through words into the kiss—the sense of relief, happiness, love, and an unspoken promise that she won’t walk away this time, or ever again.

They were both breathless as they pulled away, their foreheads resting against each other’s as their stupidly sweet smiles were plastered on their faces, “You are so infuriating,” Jinx laughed, “I love you too.”

The two of them stood there, in an embrace, soaking into that feeling of closure that the both of them needed before Jinx spoke, “So that’s it…? I stay and we can just pick up where we left off?” Lux laughed, genuine and lighthearted, with the way Jinx was completely clueless about this, “Come on, blondie. Y’know I’m no good in stuff like this.”

“Oh, Jinx. I never said you had to stay.”

“What?”

Lux shrugged and smiled, “It was a last-minute idea but I thought I’d go with you. It’s graduation so…I’m free,” Jinx’s face was indescribable and all Lux could do was laugh at the sheer surprise she created, “I think we can figure it out, together.” She held her hand. Soft hands against callous ones which seemed to fit perfectly like a puzzle piece.

Jinx let out a scoff and rolled her eyes playfully, “God…you are such a fucking sap.”

“You love it.” There was laughter before Jinx kissed her again, “Alright, blondie, let’s go?”

“Yes.”