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"San Lang, can I ask you something about yourself?" asks Xie Lian while a tint of fear can be heard in his voice when he adds, "About the stories that circulate in the three realms…"
This is the moment Hua Cheng has been thinking about for quite some time. He knows that most of the rumors about his past have been cleared up. Xie Lian knows him better than anyone else, the deepest secrets are the base of what joins them. And he knows his beloved accepts him. His flaws and past are part of him that he doesn't have to hide, and he can still feel good. However, there is one last thing they have not discussed yet, and Hua Cheng caught himself wondering, even worrying, how he should explain it to Xie Lian. He knows he should have brought it up before; there were chances, but he acknowledged that he wasn't ready. It was okay to wait, he reassured himself this way.
Now it has been two or three days that Xie Lian seemed to be lost in thought. Whenever asked about it, he brushed it off as "I am a little tired from tasks in the heavenly realm. San Lang, you don't have to worry." Hua Cheng didn't press for more; he respects anything his beloved tells him.
However, right now is the time, Hua Cheng understands what this all was about. If there is anyone who has the right to talk to him about this, it is only his gege. And Hua Cheng feels that he is ready to put the last puzzle piece into the picture of his life.
After a moment of silence, Xie Lian begins to worry that he crossed a line with his question. He wants to apologize quickly, but suddenly Hua Cheng reaches his hand towards him, and he starts to slowly lead Xie Lian to their bedroom.
Once they are comfortably seated on their bed, sitting right next to each other with their fingers intertwined, only then Xie Lian begins to relax. Hua Cheng flashes him a brief, small smile as a confirmation that they can talk here and now in the safety of their bedroom.
"Gege…"
"San Lang, you know what I want to ask?"
"I think I do." replies Hua Cheng in a whisper. It's not like he fears someone might hear them; they are alone. They have a little habit of speaking in lower voice, sometimes even whispering, whenever they want to share something that means a lot to them because it is personal or carries an emotional significance. This is the result of many nights spent together staying up to talk about their lives, struggles, traumas, but also joys and happiness that they have brought into each other's life.
"I know you want to ask about my other forms… one type of form in particular … And I am sorry I have not shared this with you yet… I know there was a chance when you told me about yourself…"
I'm ready. Hua Cheng repeats to himself. However, a little bit of guilt creeps up on him because there indeed were opportunities to share this before, but he hasn't done it.
"No," Xie Lian raises his voice a little, "it is okay. San Lang, you can, and should always, do things at your own pace; no need to apologize for needing more time." No matter how strong words are, he knows they mean more with acts, so he begins to gently rub Hua Cheng's thumb with his own as their hands are still intertwined.
Moments like this one are like a constant reminder for Hua Cheng that he is loved deeply by the person who means everything to him. Thus, with this realization, Hua Cheng eases a little more and begins speaking.
"So you have heard the stories that say I was 'sometimes a gorgeous seductress with a vicious, deceptive heart,' right?"
Xie Lian nods and lets San Lang continue.
"They are partly true…" his voice stops here for a second because Xie Lian gives his hand a gentle, reassuring squeeze.
"Gege, I have many forms, you know that, and… Well, and in some of them I look like a woman." says Hua Cheng, and then he immediately turns his head away from Xie Lian. He is not sure if he wants to see his beloved's face when he admits the next part.
However, Xie Lian brings his other hand towards his face, and then he softly places his fingers under Hua Cheng's chin. This gesture is a sign for Hua Cheng to turn his head back to face Xie Lian, and so he does.
"San Lang, please continue, you don't have to look away when you talk to me."
Frozen on the spot for a second, Hua Cheng gathers his words again; this time he doesn't avert his gaze, he looks directly at Xie Lian, at his beautiful smile that suddenly appeared like sunshine after a summer storm.
He decides he should just say the rest in one go and then get one reaction from Xie Lian at once.
"I am not a seductress, never was and definitely never will be. And my heart was never vicious and deceptive as the stories say… That part is not true, I never seduced anyone to cause them harm. But… I enjoy being in that form… I mean… Presenting as a woman feels good sometimes. I hope gege can accept this part of me."
Now his secret is out. The millisecond between uttering his last word and waiting for Xie Lian's reaction to appear on his face feels like it lasts a century.
In the next second, all his worries are dispelled when Xie Lian scopes closer to his side and kisses the chuckles on his hand that he gently, but firmly holds in his.
"San Lang, of course I accept you. Remember, 'what matters is you, and not the state of you.' I feel like this about you always." says Xie Lian after his lips parted from the butterfly kiss they placed on Hua Cheng's hand.
"Really? Always? Even when I look too different from this?" says Hua Cheng as his gestures over his body with his free hand.
"Yes."
This one word is what causes a tiny tear to form at the corner of Hua Cheng's eye. Still unable to be detected easily, so Xie Lian doesn't notice the reaction for not. And without thinking more about it, an idea sparks in Hua Cheng's mind, and he immediately acts upon it.
He changes his form.
Xie Lian feels something shift next to him, he blinks once and the person that is right in front of his eyes looks very much like his San Lang in his true form, except for some small, but noticeable changes -- softer facial features, fuller curves and more silver patterns embroidered into the robes. Xie Lian takes a moment to appreciate the beauty he sees; he feels enchanted.
“San Lang, you are beautiful,” compliments Xie Lian. Before Hua Cheng can even react to the compliment, Xie Lian adds, “Wait, is it okay to call you ‘San Lang’ even when you are in this form?”
Caught off guard by this question, Hua Cheng starts to feel even more emotional; more tears form in his eye. “Yes, gege. It’s more than fine. I am happy to be your San Lang always… but are you really okay with me looking like this?”
Hua Cheng has struggled with insecurity almost all his life. It is only recently that he feels more sure of his appearance, but this new reality changes things a little. Insecurity now feels like a huge shadow that might follow him for some time again. Sharing a part of yourself that feels so personal is not easy, but what makes it easier is that he has Xie Lian by his side. Although he knows his beloved loves him immensely, it still feels scary, and it awakes some unpleasant feelings in him. Thankfully they are all disperse immediately.
Xie Lian knows his beloved needs a lot of reassurance right now, so he begins, “In your heart and mind, you are still you, the person whom I love more than anyone and anything in this world. How you look on the outside is up to you and your feelings, which I will accept. Please stay true to yourself. In a similar sense, we’ve been through this when we talked about me. However, this now is not about me, I only want to remind you of the words, you had told me some time ago. I hope you know that they way you feel about me is the way I feel about you, my San Lang.” Then he presses his thumb to the corner of Hua Cheng’s eye to wipe away the few tiny tears.
“Thank you, gege. This means a lot to me. I…” he trails off when Xie Lian makes himself more comfortable next to him. Then, Hua Cheng’s chest starts bubbling with warmth when he notices Xie Lian’s hand encircling his waist.
“San Lang, I didn’t mean to interrupt you. I only wanted to feel closer to you,” explains Xie Lian, “Please continue.”
Hua Cheng melts into his embrace and the warmth that it brings him. “I wanted to add that I love you. This San Lang promises you that he will try to focus, first and foremost, more on what feels good for him.”
“I love you too, San Lang, more than you can ever imagine. Thank you for sharing this with me, I am proud of you.”
“... And sorry if I worried you with my pensive mood,” he adds.
“Gege, please do not apologize for that. It is in the past now. What matters more now is that this San Lang really feels closer to you than ever before.”
“Likewise,” adds Xie Lian.
“Could we stay like this for a while? It feels nice… I hope it feels good for you to hold me, even when I am in his form. If not, I will change back immedia--”
“NO!” exclaims Xie Lian. “I… I didn’t mean to say this so loudly. But please, do not change back. It feels comfortable to hold you… In fact, can I….”
“Can you what, gege?” asks Hua Cheng in a slightly worried tone. He feels reassured enough by Xie Lian’s words, but now he begins to question the hesitation that seems to be related to something else.
Xie Lian’s cheeks start burning up; he feels shy all of a sudden. He can only think about one thing, but the words got stuck in his throat.
“Could I… Uh.. San Lang, can I kiss you right now?” He would hide his face in his palms if he wasn't embracing Hua Cheng and holding hands with him.
“YES! Gege can kiss me anytime he wants,” Hua Cheng knows that Xie Lian is still not used to initiating some things between them. Hugs and cuddles are a given now, but kissing always comes with some extra shyness.
Thus, Xie Lian brings his face closer to Hua Cheng’s. Now he has to break the embrace; his fingers trace the contours of the body from waist up to neck. It’s quick, but it makes Hua Cheng feel little, pleasant shivers. He feels the acceptance and love from the gentle touches. Xie Lian’s palms cup his face and right when Hua Cheng expects for their lips to meet, Xie Lian stop for a moment to fully take in how beautiful his San Lang is in any form.
When they lips finally touch, Hua Cheng lets Xie Lian take the lead for a while, then he starts fully kissing him back.
They stop only after their lips start to go numb, and that is when Xie Lian suggests that it is almost time to sleep.
“Before you say anything, I want to say that if you feel comfortable sleeping in this form tonight, then please, do not change it. Do what feels nice for you, okay, my beloved? This applies to any night and day.”
“Gege, thank you… I will sleep like this then because I feel the most comfortable I’ve felt in a while,” replies Hua Cheng, and then he slowly starts to undress his outer robes.
Once he is done with undressing and holding his robes on the night stand, he adds, “However…. gege must cuddle me all night.” His lips still look a little pinker from the kissing before and with a pout that forms on them, how can Xie Lian resist? In fact, Xie Lian would never say no to cuddling his beloved, but he always appreciates the cute manner in which Hua Cheng asks for it.
Thus, they end up completely entangled in the sheets, and Hua Cheng basks in the pleasant feelings as Xie Lian holds him close and sleep slowly overtakes him.