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!!!PLAY ON LOOP FOR THE ENTIRE FIC FOR BETTER EXPERIENCE!!!!
White colors everywhere.
From the walls, to the floors;
To the coats worn by people walking past me.
Some who hold a clipboard in their arms
Others who are in a hurry.
They look disturbed. They all do.
I’m here once again.
I think to myself.
I come here so often that people remember my name.
They know my face.
My feet step on the same tiles over and over.
The floor remembers me.
I chuckle at no one in particular.
I pass by multiple windows.
The old guy from room 213 passed away.
Miss brunette of room 354 has been discharged.
Unfamiliar faces. New nurses and doctors.
My eyes darted from one thing to another; noticing all the things that have changed since my last visit.
I don’t really care.
How selfish.
Selfish.
Me. That’s right.
An all-too familiar door greets me.
The handle knows my handprint.
It stares at me.
It mocks me.
As if saying:
“Here you are again.”
I know. I know.
I mutter before holding on to my heart.
The handle. That’s what I meant.
The curtains are open.
Someone must’ve left not too long ago.
The room is quiet.
He is quiet.
I, too, am quiet.
Standing by the door like a coward,
I stare at him in silence.
He merely continues reading the book in his hands;
Then a smile.
“So you’re here again.”
Silence.
“Don’t just stand, come here.”
He pats on the space beside him, the chair by the hospital bed waiting for me.
Again.
Yet I oblige, and sink down to my guilt.
I am pathetic.
He doesn’t think that though.
That’s what he says anyways.
He never lies.
Eyes finally parting from the book I gave him before,
he looks at my face who bows in his presence.
“Hey.”
He greets, his eyes are gentle.
I love them.
“Hey.”
I respond.
My eyes however don’t dare to meet his.
He doesn’t mind though.
That’s what he says anyways.
“How have you been? I got pretty lonely here.”
I know.
“Sorry.”
“I was joking.”
I know. You weren’t actually.
“Oh. Sorry.”
Silence.
I can see him pursing his lip.
He always does that when he’s anxious.
“The doctor says my chest x-ray wasn’t really good. Again.”
Ah.
“Oh. Why?”
“My heart was too small this time. Probably because it missed you.”
A beat.
“It was a joke.”
“I know.”
Silence.
“What have you been doing these past days?”
He says, covering up the awkward tension with a cough.
“Oh. The usual.”
“Research?”
“Yeah.”
I finally look up at him.
He looks back with sadness in his eyes.
Don’t.
Don’t look at me like that.
“You wanted to pursue astronomy. You loved it.”
“I did.”
“Then why did you quit the astronomy club?
You wanted to reach the moon didn’t you?”
“I just did.”
“Don’t lie.”
I bit my tongue as soon as he replied.
“I heard from your mother.
How you quit the club to join another one.
One that focuses on some chemistry club.”
He looks away this time.
The IV fluids run to hide in his skin.
Me too.
I want to hide.
Again.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t.”
“I shouldn’t have been weak.”
“Stop.”
“I’m sorry for leaving you.”
“Enough.”
Silence.
“I chose this on my own. Don’t apologize.”
He finally cries.
Silently.
He stares down at his own hands,
Tears staining the sheets as he does so.
My arms reach out to wrap around him.
It fails halfway.
I let it fall by my sides.
Again.
I pass him a tissue instead.
“Take care of yourself. Don’t be reckless.”
He sniffs and manages to let out a chuckle.
“I will.”
Turning on my heel,
I head towards the door and reach for the painted handle.
Painted with my handprints.
With my scent.
“Will you come visit again, anytime soon?”
His voice has that sound of hope.
Hope destroys people.
“You don’t even need to ask.”
A final beat.
“See you later, Liam.”
“Goodbye, Esther.”