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Thirteen was leaning over a crossword puzzle. She didn’t really like them, but she was so bored, she was ready to gouge out her own eyes just to give herself something to do. A slow day at a hospital was rarer that Haley’s comet or House being a civil human being, and had caused the usually-so-busy doctors to accumulate in offices or breakrooms in little knots of boredom.
Kutner was playing a PSP in the corner- hopefully not House’s or there would be a bloodbath- , Foreman was reading a magazine for the second time, and Taub was leafing through what looked like a medical journal across the table from her. Even Wilson was there with them, dozing in a chair in House’s office. Thirteen could hear the sound of videogames coming from House’s computer.
There was a polite tap on the door. Thirteen looked up. Cameron trudged in.
“Oh, now I can’t believe the ER is slow,” Thirteen groaned.
“No. I just got off shift. I’m waiting for Chase. The ER wasn’t slow today, but it was slower ,” Cameron replied, dumping herself into the seat next to Foreman, her eyes wandering forlornly to Thirteen’s crossword book. Thirteen gave her a mocking glare.
“You have better chances of getting pictures of House in bed with Wilson,” Thirteen said. Cameron’s jaw dropped, before turning into a pout.
“Do you really think they’re gay?” Kutner asked absently. Thirteen gave him a look .
“Amazingly enough, I do not-” she began.
“No, no, I’m not asking if your ‘gaydar’ is working. I’m asking your opinion,” Kutner corrected.
“Oh, my god, how bored are you?” Cameron groaned.
“Extremely. And I’m curious. It’s something to discuss,” Kutner replied.
“He’s sitting right there . Ask him,” Cameron whispered conspiratorially.
“Ok, I’m leaving. This is a new jacket and I don’t want to get blood on it when House kills all of you,” Foreman grumbled, sliding out the door. The others watching him go, before turning right back to the conversation.
“I’m not asking him. I like my internal organs where they are!” Kutner said. “But it makes for good discussion. I’m going to die, I’m so bored!”
“Ok, well, let’s see. They’re always together. House was never married and proclaims he will sleep with anything with a pulse and consent,” Thirteen said.
“Ew,” Taub mumbled.
“Wilson is multi-divorced and spends a good ninety percent of his time with House. If they aren’t together, what is he getting out of that?” Cameron added. “Considering the abuse House subjects him to, I don’t see any other reason he’d stick around if he wasn’t getting laid.”
“Again, ew,” Taub said.
“But then…” Kutner said, motioning vaguely in Cameron’s direction. She rolled her eyes.
“Oh my god! Why does everyone assume I slept with House?” she groaned.
“You were trying to get in his pants for long enough,” Kutner said.
“I didn’t say I would say no to him. I’m saying it never happened!” Cameron snapped. The table dissolved into giggles.
“Alright, well, I didn’t. Ok?” Cameron sighed.
“Fine, ok, but even if you had, that doesn’t immediately disqualify Wilson as a potential partner. I mean…” Kutner trailed off, gesturing vaguely at Thirteen. It took a second, but everyone finally got it.
“Admittedly, House being bisexual is not outside the realm of possibility. As previously stated, he has said he’ll sleep with anything,” Taub said. Everyone looked expectantly at Thirteen.
“What? I don’t know! It’s not like I can smell my own!” she exclaimed.
“Too bad it isn’t like they’d tell us if they were,” Kutner mused.
“Tell you what?” Wilson asked groggily from the door. The conversation came to a screeching halt.
“Nothing,” Kutner said slowly.
“They think we’re gay, Jimmy. And in love with each other,” House said, stepping behind Wilson. The silence was suddenly deafening. Wilson’s jaw dropped. It would have been comical if it weren’t so awkward.
“ Excuse me ?” he gasped. Everyone’s eyes dropped to the floor.
“Well, it makes sense. They made some good points: we’re always together, you handle my…eccentricities well, and we even lived together,” House rattled off, casting an eye about the room.
“You’re my best friend! We’re close! It doesn’t mean we’re…we’re… I mean, there’s nothing wrong with it, but…” Wilson sputtered.
“Aww, Wilson, are you intimidated by our wuv?” House cooed. Kutner snorted and Cameron squeaked on what could have been a giggle.
“House, come on!” Wilson groaned.
“Maybe we just don’t know it!” House said. With that, he turned Wilson by his shoulders and slammed his mouth down on his. There was a collective gasp through the room.
“Oh my god…” Cameron whispered. Thirteen was sure she saw House’s tongue. And for a single second, she was very sure she saw Wilson relax in House’s arms, just before he shoved him away with enough force to knock House back into the glass partition to his office. House chuckled and straightened up as the room sat slack-jawed in shock. Wilson didn’t seem to really know what to do. His hands twitched at his sides, as if he wasn’t sure if he should punch House into next week or not. Or, Thirteen thought, possibly pull him in for seconds. House licked his lips and patted Wilson’s shoulder.
“Hm. Interesting,” he said. Wilson glared at him, spell broken, and wiped his mouth on his sleeve.
“I hate you!” he growled.
“Awww, looks like no cuddles for me!” House whined dramatically. Wilson sputtered one more time before storming from the room, nearly knocking over Cuddy, who had been standing unnoticed in the outer doorway, mouth open in shock.
“Did that just…Oh…what…” she stammered. Wilson gave her a withering glare and pushed past her. House gave them all a smart-ass smile and disappeared back into his own office, leaving his team in stunned silence.
“Oddly…that doesn't prove or disprove anything…” Kutner sighed in frustration.
Back in his office, House leaned back in his chair, feet up on his desk. The boredom of the day had made his leg pain more noticeable, but this had been a nice distraction. If nothing else, the horror on his team’s faces and inevitable confusion amongst them was invigorating. And, if he had to admit it, Wilson was a good kisser. Very good.
Cuddy barged in a moment later.
“I have no words. What the hell was that?” she snapped.
“They thought I was banging Wilson. I just had to check to see if it was true,” House quipped. Cuddy let out a long-suffering sigh and shook her head.
“I came in to tell Cameron Chase is going to be late and I see…Oh, my god, that was so bizarre. I’m never getting it out of my head. Thanks for the nightmares!” she groaned.
“You have to admit, the looks on their faces was priceless!” House chuckled.
“No, I do not have to admit anything! And you know everyone will be talking about this by tonight, right? Kutner and Taub, at the very least, can’t keep their mouths shut to save their lives!” Cuddy growled. “And what you just did could count as sexual harassment or assault!”
“When has Wilson ever sued me?” House asked. “He will get over it. He always has!” Cuddy had to agree there; Wilson could probably have sued House several dozen times over by now. She sighed and squeezed the bridge of her nose.
“ Why did you have to do that, House?” she whined.
“Oh, well, aside from the obvious shock value, you know nothing entices the ladies like that which they cannot have!”
“Oh my god, you’re a pig!”
“I can’t believe this is new to you!”
Cuddy raised her head to glare at him.
“You know Wilson will probably never speak to you again!” she pointed out.
“Nah. He will. Gay love or not, Wilson adores me. Can’t live without me. I don’t think this is even the worst thing I’ve ever done to him, honestly!” House said. Cuddy gaped at him.
“I don’t want to even come close to unpacking that. Even if he doesn’t sue you, I’d rather he didn’t grease your cane or switch your vicodin with meth or something,” she sighed.
“Ooh, meth! You think he would?” House asked. Cuddy scoffed at him in disgust.
“Just because now it’s in my brain and it’ll bother me…” she said.
“Well, I wanted to see for myself. I mean, if I discovered the door swings both ways, think of how much new porn is suddenly available for me!” House giggled. Cuddy gave him a look. House pursed his lips in thought for a moment.
“To be honest, really, I wanted to know too. Like they said, it would make sense. Wilson is… he really kind of is my one and only. Wanted to check to see if he was my one and only in that aspect too,” he answered. It was earnest, in a way House so rarely was. Cuddy frowned a little at him.
“And…?”
“Don’t know. Didn’t have time to savor the moment,” House said with a shrug. Cuddy sighed and turned to leave.
“ Although ,” House continued. “I had my tongue so far in his mouth, I could practically taste what he had for breakfast last week, and he didn’t even bite me. So…”
He shrugged dramatically. Cuddy scoffed at him again and left. House smiled. He would make it up to Wilson when he started talking to him again. Or he'd get a boyfriend out of it. Either way, it all would even out again, as things between them always did. Wilson would understand. It was so fun to make everyone wonder. Including himself.