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He'd escaped. Somewhere. He wasn't really sure. Just quickly rented a car and left for the night.
Well, not escaped, really. It wasn’t like he was trapped. At least not physically. Not tonight.
He just needed to, he needed to leave. Somewhere. Anywhere away from there.
Even though they’d just split up their living situation too, so, realistically, he should be feeling freer, with more room to breathe. He didn’t though. Not right now. He’s definitely looking forward to this feeling later on, but now it still felt like someone was pressing on his chest.
It seemed to work though. Somehow weirdly, the farther away from home he drove, the more he felt like he could breathe easier.
The slight better ease of breathing also allowed his head to clear a bit, finally processing the very warm wind from the open passenger’s window billowing all around him. It also allowed him to notice the almost empty gas tank warning.
Chan let out a small displeased sound, poutingly grumbling about greedy rentals. He started looking around for signs of any nearby gas stations, his grumbling lessening when he’d spotted one coming up.
He’d made sure to safely pass to the exit and slowly drove up to the pumps. Spotting the “Open 24 hours!” sign made him feel bad for the employees of the place, but awareness of the state of today’s world made him just swallow bitterly. The knowledge that nothing will change any time soon kept him company through the process of fuelling up the rental.
Walking to the till he picked up a few delicious looking snacks, an energy drink and a bottle of strawberry juice. He figured he’d break all the rules on his little breakaway, just to keep the normalcy of his usual life away.
When prompted to pay, he debated for a split second about using the company card constantly available to him, since said company did talk a lot of loud shit about mental health this and mental health that, and they could more than afford his little escapade.
But so could he, and he’d definitely be feeling better knowing he couldn’t be tracked as easily this way too.
So he’d paid with his own card, heart aching how he had no one with him to fight about paying, but that didn’t matter. He’d left on his own to be alone.
He smiled politely at the gas station worker, praying to anything that would listen he wasn’t recognised and left as quickly as possible.
Moving his temporary car to the nearest parking place, he just sat and stewed on his feelings, sipping on the strawberry juice. It definitely lacked a certain tang to it, the same way the silence around him lacked the usual white noise that comes with being constantly surrounded by people or computers. The silence was almost unbearable, but he forced himself to sit through it.
The delicious snacks held no more interest to him, nor did the energy drink, nor did the escape anymore. But as much as he felt like he needed to be alone right now, to be left by himself, it, at the same time, felt like the biggest torture.
Knowing he couldn’t mentally handle another person beside him right now, yet missing his boys incredibly, and also knowing, that what would really help the most in this moment is some good company.
He chuckled humourlessly. He didn’t make sense. He can’t remember the last time he’d honestly made sense to himself. It seemed easier to just do his work and float along the river of life. Or whatever.
Ah. Floating. Oh, if only he could be floating right now. Preferably in water. Preferably in the ocean. He’d love that right now. A trip to the Sydney coast with his boys.
He caught himself smiling at the thought and he couldn’t help but grimace. Forcibly rubbing his face with his hands, he shook his head and finally chose a destination.
Groaning, he noticed it was in the opposite direction than he was heading, meaning he’d have to drive for a whole two hours. But oh well. The pictures looked really nice.
For a minute, the decision to turn on the radio and hear a Stray Kids song coming on scared him, but the thought of driving in silence for two hours terrified him more.
Breathing through it, he noticed the car actually had a Bluetooth connection, which had him browsing for an old Australian radio station he used to listen to as a kid on his phone. He hummed happily when he found an online stream of it on its website, but felt himself go numb, noticing they had rebranded and how much different it seemed now.
The numbness kept him company through the first thirty minutes of his trip as he had to return where he’d come from, feeling strange at speeding past the highway exit that usually meant safety, shelter, company, home. He felt a bit scared, how numb he was to it.
Pushing through the feeling, he spent the next half an hour carefully following the directions on his phone, slowly getting used to the home-y words from the radio. Yawning made him bink out of his current fully focused on driving mindset and he realised that it was approaching two in the morning.
Seeing he still had a good hour of driving he decided to get off the highway at the nearest stop, ignoring the yelling on his phone to continue on. He exited the map app at the stop and slowly got out of the car, groaning and stretching.
He walked around the front of the car, listening to the eerie silence of the night. Grabbing one of the snacks he leaned back on the car, his slow bites and chewing breaking the silence around him.
Finishing one of the snacks he leaned back into the car to retrieve the energy drink and slowly sipped on it while walking around, knowing he’d return back to driving when he was done with it.
Locating the nearest trash can, he got rid of all the leftover packaging, deciding to eat the last snack at his destination. Right before he sat back in the car he spotted the convenience store he’d parked at and deciding to be safe, went in for some more liquids.
This time he couldn’t resist and grabbed two bottles of pineapple juice, not resisting the smile when he got back into the car.
Continuing on, he let his mind drift again, clocking in, mentally, at all the tolls on the way, paying it all as needed. Midway through he did notice he was driving close to, but not at, the Incheon airport. Shivering, he was really glad he didn’t have to deal with that shit today.
Whenever today was anyway. He felt like he was living in limbo, surrounded with nothing but darkness and an occasional car.
Slowly, he finally got glimpses of his goal, feeling himself sit up more, sit straight, smile. As soon as he got off at the correct highway exit, he lowered his window, laughing at the strong smell of ocean surrounding him.
He manoeuvred to the big parking space, collecting the ticket and parking the rental. He checked the state of the fuel tank and felt slightly miffed, noticing that even driving back, he’d use up less than half of it. Oh well. He maybe did a nice thing for the next renter of this car. Or. Well. Unless the rental company will use up the gas.
Shaking his head, he decided it didn’t matter. What’s done is done. What was ahead though, looked to be a good thirty minute walk.
Which. He was REALLY glad he was wearing his comfiest stuff that had a good number of pockets. He packed his wallet, phone and the remaining bottle of pineapple juice and got ready.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step, right?
Chan’s first step was made in darkness.
Throughout all his mulling, mindless behaviour, renting a car, escaping the city, choosing a sight he wants to see, he’d completely missed the biggest, most important factor.
Time.
It was three in the morning.
And his goal was at the end of a long forest walk.
Letting out a long-suffering sigh, he steeled his mind and straightened up his shoulders. He was gonna do this, goddamn it.
Momma didn’t raise no quitter!
The beginning was slightly terrifying, no forest being all too nice at night. Chan tried to remember any and all breathing exercises he’d ever been taught, just to keep his pulse from skyrocketing at every noise.
Even though the path was well made and well-travelled it still scared him, he felt exposed and vulnerable in the dark, no one but himself to depend on, knowing very well that if anything happened to him there, it’d be a huge shit show. But he didn’t want to turn around.
Checking the time, he noticed he was at least halfway through and the early morning was approaching. He pocketed his phone, happy he’d had it charging in the car on the way and continued on, slowly starting to enjoy the VERY early morning walk through the forest.
It wasn’t five minutes later that he finally got out of the forest and saw the beginnings of light surround him. He felt free. The pressure on his chest finally fully disappeared and he felt completely calm.
He started humming to himself, a random melody, feeling like he was walking on clouds, like walking was the easiest thing he’d ever done.
Continuing on the pretty path, he fell and rose with it, leaning on the railing on the middle point of the one bridge on the path, he couldn’t help but smile at the ocean, closing his eyes and cherishing the breeze the ocean sent his way.
He continued after a minute, dancing his fingers on the railing, spinning and tripping, giggling at himself and the light feeling. Slowly nearing his goal.
The sun was slowly but surely rising by the time he finally saw it. A big circle, with spears going almost through it.
He made himself giggle, thinking it’s a donut. Running on the dock towards it, he couldn’t help but marvel at it.
It was beautiful.
Nothing like the pictures of course, but beautiful because it was there. It was real and he could touch it.
Which he did. He jumped up on the platform, looking around like an errant child, feeling like he was doing something he shouldn’t be, but unable to resist the calling of it.
Touching it, he felt cold, yet complete.
He spent a few minutes there, touching it, feeling grounded. He couldn’t help but get curious though. He wondered when it’d finally turn golden, as he’d seen on the pictures.
Jumping down he located the information panel and froze.
Sunset. It was the sunset observatory.
And Chan was here at sunRISE. It was about to be sunrise.
The wall of disappointment and despair that hit him left him breathless, until he just couldn’t help but start laughing. He laughed and laughed and laughed so hard tears sprung to his eyes. And then he cried and cried and sobbed and sat by the monument, laughing through the sobs and despairing at his own uselessness.
He let himself wallow in it until the sun slowly licked at his skin behind the forest, which made him laugh even more.
Of course, the sun comes from the east and he’d travelled all the way west.
He sat closer to the monument, laying his throbbing head on it. He could feel tears still falling and he just looked at the place the sun would eventually set that day, behind the ocean.
Smiling bitterly at the endless ocean going west, he raised his middle finger to it, just to giggle again. He felt childish and he couldn’t even bring himself to mind.
The sun was finally beginning to properly rise and he let himself enjoy its warmth and the peace surrounding him. Even though he didn’t get there at the proper time, he was still in a peaceful place. And arguably, being somewhere at the “wrong” time at least meant he had it all to himself.
Which was, at the end of the day, even better. He’d see it turn gold one day with the Kids.
Which, speaking of. He got thrown out of his thoughts by the buzzing of his phone. Knowing he’d put it on DND, the caller must’ve called at least three times in a row to get through.
He grimaced again, but he wasn’t truly surprised. Seeing how early it was, it was probably Changbin and he was right.
Leaning back onto the monument, he sighed heavily.
And pressed Answer.
