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“Jungkook, can I ask you something?”
There's an invisible force–a strong pull keeping Jimin’s feet rooted in the same spot, standing still in front of Jungkook in the privacy of the small bathroom space.
It's odd to still be there. They’re both done with their night routine, faces washed, Jimin's toothbrush already set side next to Jungkook’s. It's been a long day, and they can both go to their own beds and sleep to their heart’s content, but for some unknown reason, they don’t move.
There’s an equally odd feeling in Jimin’s chest, something bittersweet and something else that he can’t figure out just yet. It's their last night together on this trip before they have to go their own ways again for God knows how long. Maybe that's why there’s that strong pull to stay.
"No, you can’t sleep next to me tonight," Jungkook responds, giggling as he speaks, nose scrunching adorably as if he’s only teasing.
"That's not what I was going to ask–wait, why can’t I?”
“I can’t promise I won’t hit you again. Your poor nose.”
Jungkook then reaches out and quickly but softly rubs at Jimin’s nose bridge, almost like an apology. Jimin’s heart flutters just a little. The boy just always has that effect on him, even with the smallest of actions.
Jimin missed it so badly. Jimin missed Jungkook almost painfully.
“It doesn’t really hurt now,” Jimin quietly mutters with a soft chuckle, rubbing at his nose bridge too, and when their fingers touch just a tiny bit, there’s an oddly chilling warmth that spreads throughout his body.
He has yet to understand why Jungkook affects him the way he does. Even after so many years, he doesn’t know why, mostly blaming it on him being the youngest in the group. Of course Jimin would have a soft spot for him. Everyone does.
"That’s good," Jungkook says as he pulls away. His voice is gentle, so calming to Jimin, just like the voice one would use if they had to lull a child to sleep. “So, what were you going to ask, hyung?”
Jimin watches as Jungkook gets comfortable, leaning against the bathroom wall and placing his hands in his pockets, simply staring directly at Jimin with a kind expression.
His heartbeat races. Jungkook looks soft and warm and so, so handsome, even under the dull bathroom lights. At that moment, Jimin is a little more drawn to him than he had been these past few days.
"Are you taking care of yourself?" Jimin finally asks.
He has kept that question in him for months, somehow always hesitant, unsure of the right place or time to ask. It’s not something they’d normally ask–he, of all people, doesn’t even have the right to ask it.
Jungkook’s eyes widen a fraction of an inch, and for a moment, Jimin can’t think of anything else except how pretty his eyes are.
"Huh?" Genuine confusion paints Jungkook’s face, and Jimin has to hold himself back from pinching his cheeks.
"I mean, when we didn't meet up a lot. And until now. Were you taking good care of yourself?"
"Where's this coming from though? Of course I am."
Jimin sighs, still unsure of how to go about this conversation without being a hypocrite. He had his fair share of not taking care of himself.
He sits on the counter, getting comfortable just as Jungkook brings out a small vape pod from his pocket.
"Hyung, do you mind if I…"
Jimin shakes his head in response, and Jungkook then inhales from his pod, taking a few seconds before he carefully puffs out smoke, deliberately blowing away from where Jimin sits.
"Do you want some?" Jungkook offers, handing out the pod.
Jimin still shakes his head. He can’t indulge during this specific conversation.
"Should I just stand next to you? So you can blow that anywhere?"
"Oh, no, you don't have to, hyung."
Jimin gets up anyway, stepping across the counter and standing right beside Jungkook, leaning on the wall just as he did. The sides of their arms touch, and Jimin’s heart flutters just a little again over such a small thing.
He stares at their reflection in the bathroom mirror, Jungkook’s taller and larger frame making him look small. They're a frighteningly similar picture of their younger selves, with the same eyes and nose and lips, but with the build of who they wanted to grow into. The sight tugs at Jimin’s heartstrings, and that bittersweet feeling increases.
But what makes his heart skip a beat is when Jungkook suddenly catches his gaze, and they stare at each other silently, a look of mixed emotions in both their eyes that Jimin couldn't describe even in his head.
"Have you been sleeping okay these past few months?" Jimin says after a short silence.
Before Jungkook answers, he inhales from his pod and comfortably blows clouds out directly in front of them.
Even in the haze of the smoke, his piercing gaze never leaves Jimin’s reflection.
"No," Jungkook sighs, then he tilts his head in consideration, "Not for a long time. I really had trouble falling asleep."
Jimin’s chest aches. His soft spot for Jungkook includes being more downcast when he knows the boy isn’t okay, more than he’d be when he’s pitying himself.
"Why's that?” Jimin quietly asks.
"I don’t know. You know I was floating for months. I guess that’s why. But I slept so well last night. For the first time in a while."
Jimin thinks about the implications of what Jungkook said: months of having trouble sleeping and finally sleeping well just the night before.
It reminds him of when they were younger, when Jungkook would crawl into his bed and sleep like a baby. Jimin thinks back to it fondly. Maybe some things never change. Maybe Jungkook feels safe with him. He hopes he is.
"Is that so?" Jimin decides not to tease him about it.
"Mhm. What about you? Were you sleeping okay?"
This is supposed to be about Jungkook. He shouldn’t be turning this around so easily.
"The usual," Jimin answers, indulging Jungkook anyway.
Suddenly, Jungkook turns his head to look at Jimin directly. For some reason, Jimin can’t do the same, so he keeps his gaze on him through the mirror.
"The usual? So… you haven't been sleeping much?" There's evident worry in Jungkook’s voice, and Jimin doesn’t understand why there would be, especially for something that they're both used to.
This really isn't supposed to be about Jimin.
"It's not a big deal,” Jimin answers before turning it around again, “You know, I know you’ve been drinking a lot more.”
“Yeah. It helps me sleep,” Jungkook dismissively says, and Jimin understands. He did the exact same thing before.
“You drink almost everyday.”
“I hope you’re not scolding me, hyung. I’m old enough.”
“I know. You can do whatever you want. I just… I hope… I hope you’re not abusing it.”
Jungkook doesn’t respond immediately. He just takes another drag, still making an effort to blow it on the other side now.
Then his gaze returns to the mirror. Their eyes meet again, and Jungkook’s expression is surprisingly soft. Jimin shivers. Maybe it's just the cold bathroom tiles against his back.
"Why?" Jungkook quietly asks.
"Why what?"
"Why do you hope I don’t abuse drinking?"
"I care about you, Jungkook."
The words easily fell from his lips, and he hadn’t meant for them to. But he doesn’t really mind. It’s a truth he’s willing to express.
He catches a small smile form on Jungkook’s lips, and it suddenly feels worth it to have said it out loud.
"Hyung, you used to drink a lot more than I ever did this year,” Jungkook says with a teasing smirk.
"That's a lie. I saw how much beer and whiskey you have. Alone. I couldn’t imagine how much you drink when you’re out with your friends."
"Yeah, well you were drinking much harder stuff."
"How would you even know? You weren't there."
"I care about you, Jimin."
Jimin's heart fully stops. Gentle warmth spreads all over his body, all over a fact that he already knows anyway.
It's his turn now to look at Jungkook directly beside him, but Jungkook turns to him too, and now they're closer, faces barely a hand’s width apart, eyes meeting in the shortest distance.
Something in Jimin’s chest suddenly aches, but he doesn’t know why.
"I talked to your friend,” Jungkook quietly says, because they don’t need to speak any louder, “He told me all about that time. When you were… you know. Out of it.”
Oh. Wow.
It surprises Jimin. He knows Jungkook cares about him. Even if he doesn’t say it out loud, his actions speak so much louder. He just didn’t know that it was to this extent.
His chest aches even more.
"You never told me that…" Jimin whispers, almost just to himself.
"You know that's not the only thing we keep from each other, but it’s not a big deal. It's not like we tell each other everything."
Right. Even Jimin has a lot of things he hasn’t said to Jungkook. Things that he might have not admitted yet, even to himself. Like how Jungkook might be much more important to him than he’d ever thought.
"Would you ever?" Jimin asks, eyes flitting between both of Jungkook’s, a little scared, a little exhilarated.
"Ever what?"
"Would you ever tell me everything? Or at least everything that concerns me?"
"Would you tell me everything that concerns me, hyung?"
One day, sure. Right now, maybe not?
Or maybe he would. Because it's Jungkook. He can take whatever he wants from Jimin.
"If you asked, I would tell you everything." Everything. Even if it gets uncomfortable, even if it could change too many things, whatever it is. Because it’s Jungkook. What’s Jimin’s is his.
Jungkook gives him another small smile, and it aches.
"If you asked, I would tell you everything too."
"Really?"
"Mm. Really."
Jimin returns the small smile. Oddly, the ache in his chest strengthens that he almost has to put his hand over it. Why is it aching? What’s there to be heartbroken about?
"Okay. Let's start with this," Jimin gingerly takes the pod from Jungkook’s hand–their fingers touching feels electric–and he takes a hit before blowing the smoke in the opposite direction.
Jungkook raises his eyebrows. "Wow. I thought you didn't want to."
"So, when did this start, Jungkook?"
They just stare, gaze unrelentingly stuck on each other.
Jimin takes another hit, this time blowing the swirly strawberry clouds in front of him, still not looking away from Jungkook.
"You look really pretty like that, hyung."
Goosebumps run all over his arms. One day Jimin’s going to have to learn to control the way Jungkook affects him.
"You think so?"
"Mhm. Well… You're always pretty anyway, so…"
Goosebumps run from his arms to his spine. How did Jungkook grow from someone who couldn’t give a compliment to someone who easily gives it away like it’s just air?
"Should I do this all the time, too?" Jimin teasingly asks, trying to act unfazed.
Jungkook shakes his head before he takes the pod and inhales for himself.
"Don't get into it."
"Why not?"
"Tsk. Just don't, Jimin."
"Why not? You did!"
"You don't need another vice. You don't even like this stuff.”
"How do you know?"
"Because you haven't picked it up yet, even if all your friends do it. Just take some from me when you crave it, okay? Don’t get one for yourself.”
Warmth and ache come by so much that they’ve made themselves welcome guests in Jimin’s chest.
It astounds Jimin how much Jungkook knows about him just from observing. It’s as if Jungkook watches over him all the time, the same way Jimin watches over him too, even without him knowing.
But it astounds him even more how much Jungkook has shown care for him just within the past twenty four hours. They haven’t met in so long that he’s almost forgotten about how good Jungkook is to him too.
“You haven’t answered my question,” Jimin says after a while, “When did this start? Why did this start?”
Jungkook shrugs, head turning back to stare at the mirror before he inhales and blows another puff of smoke.
“Just last year. You weren’t around much, so I had to pick up a new hobby.”
“Brat. Don’t blame this on me! I know Taehyungie put you up to this. We talk about you a lot, you know?”
“Oh. So you already know. Why did you ask anyway?”
“I wanted to know why you started smoking.”
“Why does anyone pick up smoking, really? It’s a way to destress. That’s mostly it. It’s not that deep.”
There it is again. That ache he gets when he knows Jungkook isn’t okay. The ache and regret that comes with knowing he hadn’t done much to protect Jungkook from harm lately.
“Tsk. You don’t have friends that tell you it’s bad? You need better friends, Jungkook.” Jimin teases, just to lighten up the mood.
Jungkook’s head quickly turns to look at him again.
“You’re the friend who tells me it’s bad,” Jungkook softly says, smiling, “Looks like I’ll need you around all the time for me to get the message.”
He’s flirting. It’s nothing new. The fluttering in Jimin’s chest, however? Also nothing new.
Before he gets to respond, Jungkook speaks again.
“Hey, is your tummy feeling better?”
“I think so. It’s not as bad as earlier today. I’m sorry I ruined our trip.”
“No, not at all, hyung! You didn’t ruin anything. I had so much fun with you. I’m more sorry that you got sick while we’re filming something. Otherwise I could’ve called it off so you can rest. I hope we can do this again when you’re feeling better.”
“Oh. Would you really want to?”
“Are you serious? Of course! But we have a few more hours tomorrow, so you–” Jungkook points at Jimin’s tummy before gently placing his warm hand over it, “You better not mess this up for Jimin. You caused too much trouble already, brat!”
Jimin laughs heartily. “Don’t talk to my stomach like that! He’s serving me well.”
“Not well enough!” Jungkook exaggeratedly says, making Jimin laugh even more. “Oh, by the way, I left a heating pad on your bed. Use it before you sleep, okay?”
Amidst all the laughter, warmth still prevails, multiplying by a thousand every other second, all because Jungkook is who he is.
He doesn’t know why he didn’t reach out to Jungkook enough the past few months. He missed Jungkook all the time and he hated it so much, but something was stopping him all those times.
Something he still dares not to admit out loud, not to admit even to himself, not to think of at all if he wants to stay sane.
So he’s settled with missing him, learning to live with the subtle ache in his chest when he thinks about Jungkook.
"I'm gonna miss you,” Jimin says before he realizes it. It’s okay though. Jungkook has to know.
"Then come over," Jungkook softly says, like it's so easy, "When I get back. You already know my passcode. Welcome me home, hm?"
Jimin finds it a little harder to breathe.
"You want that?"
"I want… yeah. I want that. It gets lonely."
Jimin wants to hug him, to invade his space and kiss his forehead and hold him until he feels okay. But something still stops him–it oddly feels like the same force that had made him stay in the bathroom with Jungkook.
"So you only want me there because you feel lonely," Jimin teases instead.
"I only feel lonely because you're not there."
It’s then that Jimin wonders if Jungkook feels the same way about him, if Jimin’s as important to Jungkook as Jungkook is to him.
The one big question is at the tip of Jimin’s tongue. Do you consider me your best friend?
Because Jimin considers Jungkook his. It's unspoken though.
“Okay,” Jimin quietly says, thinking that maybe he’s asked enough questions for one night, “I’ll visit. We won’t go weeks without seeing each other anymore, I swear.”
Jungkook scrunches his nose, giggling cutely.
“Days. We don’t go days without seeing each other, hyung. I’ll visit you too. I miss your place. Your house needs me to cook in it, you know?”
“For sure,” Jimin quickly agrees, and he watches Jungkook’s giggly face morph into the softest expression he’s ever seen on him.
Jimin loves Jungkook so much. He feels it every time he looks at his face.
“You should get some more sleep,” Jungkook says, using that same gentle angelic tone that relentlessly makes Jimin’s heart flutter, “So you can get better, and we can do more things tomorrow.”
Jimin only nods, and Jungkook nods too before he moves away from the wall and stands straight. Jimin follows. They both walk towards the door, a larger distance finding itself between them, and that pull to stay has lessened but it’s still there. He still doesn’t know why.
“Good night, Jungkook,” Jimin says right before they go out, and his chest suddenly aches so much. He still doesn’t understand why.
“Good night, hyung,” Jungkook responds, and he almost steps out the door before he turns back hesitantly and walks towards Jimin again.
Without saying anything, Jungkook pulls Jimin by the shoulder, and Jimin lets him, right until their chests meet. Jungkook then wraps his arms around him, hands slowly sliding from his shoulder and waist down to his back. His chin hooks on Jimin’s shoulder and he breathes out a sigh.
Jimin doesn’t hesitate to do the same, wrapping his arms around Jungkook and relishing in the warmth that he’s missed for the longest time, saying everything unsaid with one long embrace.
He can’t do it again–he can’t go so long without Jungkook’s warmth. It would kill him.
“Hyung,” Jungkook whispers.
“Yeah?” Jimin whispers back.
It takes Jungkook a while before he whispers again.
“I’ll miss you so much.”
Jimin’s heartbeat thrashes under his chest, threatening to break his skin and bones. The ache increases a hundredfold, and his breathing worsens.
“Don’t worry. I’ll do what you said. I’ll go to your place whenever I can.”
“No, hyung, it’s not that. I meant…” Jungkook stops, breathing deeply and almost shakily before continuing, “I meant I’ll miss you when we… have to go away for a long time.”
Jimin experiences right then and there a gut wrenching ache that almost makes him cry, if not for the idea that he has to be the stronger one between them.
Because he still has to be the person Jungkook can rely on, regardless of how much bigger and stronger Jungkook gets, regardless of how soft and frail he himself becomes. He has to be the person that makes Jungkook sleep well at night.
Because he loves Jungkook this way. He may have not shown it so much lately, but it never goes away.
He only hopes he can show that kind of love again to the friend he treasures the most before time runs out.
“I’ll miss you too,” Jimin whispers shakily, wanting to say everything he really feels but holding back in the guise of being strong, “So let’s just make the most of the time we have left, hm?”
He feels Jungkook nod before he tightens his embrace.
The ache still persists, and Jimin won’t numb himself to it, but right here, right now, he has Jungkook, and Jungkook has him, and they’ll take care of each other better now. It’s more than enough to somehow still make him feel alive and at ease.
Everything else will have to wait. The world’s troubles will have to wait. Figuring out why his chest aches at the thought of Jungkook will have to wait.