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"Hey, Suguru- Have you lost weight?"
It was an innocent question, one Suguru would shrug off with a dejected smile and some silly excuse about the heat or the stress of their last few missions. Well- his last few missions. Ever since the incident Satoru was assigned on solo missions and in turn Suguru was too. Shoko had never been active on the battlefield and all the other sorcerers were more hindrance than help on high level missions.
Suguru paused a bit too long to answer and Satoru came closer. Had he really noticed? Suguru had tried to keep it under wraps. Bulky shirts, big wavy pants- anything to not give away his self inflicted weight.
"It's just the summer heat." He waved the boy off before he could come too close. He'd buy it. Everyone did. Nobody asked twice. Nobody really cared. Nobody could understand .
He once thought that Satoru could, but ever since he had awakened to his true potential, Suguru wasn't so sure anymore.
He stood up and made a move to go to his room, while faintly glowing eyes were following him, brows knit together and lips pressed into a line.
Satoru opened his mouth to speak, but seemingly decided against it.
Suguru was glad he didn't.
Suguru kind of wished he did.
No- he didn't need to drag Satoru into this. He had enough on his plate already and didn't need to worry about another thing.
Exorcise
Consume
The taste of curses laid constantly on his tongue and poisoned everything that came after.
Nobody would ever understand what it felt like to have these curses inside oneself. Their constant indiscernible chatter, their clawing inside his guts, their slow corruption.
He wished that experience to nobody.
In his bed he watched holes into the white ceiling.
Exorcise
Consume
What did he even do this for? For whom? Himself? Society? Humanity? He could never exorcise or consume enough of them to make a real difference. There was an endless supply of suffering and leaking cursed energy far surpassing anything he could ever wish to exterminate.
His eyes were hurting. He wanted to sleep, but he knew that even if he'd try, it would take hours. Maybe it wouldn't work at all until the sun was about to crawl up again.
He had no idea how long he had been laying there, just existing, when he heard the door open and shut with a quiet click. Satoru had never been a fan of knocking or asking to come in for that matter.
Suguru had never really minded- only protested because it was the right thing to do.
He looked at his friend- he was still standing close to the door, a plastic bag in one hand and his other fisted into his shirt.
"Thought maybe you'd like some Soba-" Satoru finally said after an uncomfortable amount of time.
Food was the absolute last thing that Suguru wanted right now, but he sat up with a polite smile. The one that he still had strength to pull off.
"Thank you. I appreciate it- but I'm not hungry ri-"
"Hey Suguru." Satoru interrupted with an uncharacteristically serious tone.
"We're friends, right?"
Suguru's polite smile fell at that question. He didn't like where this was headed. The room suddenly felt very small and his only way out was blocked by Satoru. He was caged in, forced to participate in this charade of words, he had no other option but to play.
"Of course we are." Friends. Just best friends who used to share everything, inseparable and almost obnoxious with their constant banter. Nothing more, never more- no matter how much Suguru might have wanted-, maybe less now.
"Then why are you lying to me?" Satoru's voice was steady, but his clenched hand was slightly trembling. A movement nobody would notice- well, nobody other than Suguru, who knew all his quirks, all his little habits and all his endearing traits.
The question gave him pause.
What was Satoru referring to exactly in the vast sea of inaccuracies and white little lies he had poured out the last few times they had spoken?
"I- What? What are you talking about?" He tried, again with a polite smile and sat up, a bit agitated.
"You're not eating." Satoru's voice was clear, almost stern. A statement that wouldn't accept any backtalk.
"You haven't been to the Mensa in weeks and you're not just suffering from the heat."
A bit of color crept up on Suguru's cheeks. He felt exposed, humiliated as the observation was laid out in front of him.
"You haven't been there either. I'm on missions all the time." He tried to defend himself, his legs were now firmly planted on the floor, ready to bolt at any minute.
"I've been enough to notice your absence." Satoru made another few steps forward, now almost in the middle of the room, a few paces away from Suguru.
The black haired student answered with silence, looked up defiantly and just shrugged his shoulders.
Satoru seemingly didn't like that. His shoulders tensed and he had the same tight knit expression from earlier in the day.
"We're the strongest." He started, a little waver in his usually clear and domineering speech.
"We're supposed to look out for each other. And I- I know, it's probably nothing I can fix. But you can still talk to me, Suguru."
The honesty and desperation in these few words were palpable, made Suguru swallow around a knot in his throat. Maybe it hadn't been just a platitude? Maybe Satoru was genuinely concerned- still held him in at least some regard as a friend? Even if he had long surpassed him and was now 'the strongest'
singular.
What would Suguru even tell him?
"I'm fine." Is what he heard himself say- eyes fixated on the floor in front of Satoru's socked feet- even if there was a pressure in his chest, something clawing inside his throat, begging to come out.
Plastic rustled to the floor and Suguru felt the hand against his shoulder pinning him back into the mattress before he even noticed that Satoru had moved.
"Say it again. But look me in the eyes this time."
Satoru's sudden anger was radiating, all consuming and clearly visible through his clenched jaw and harsh grip.
Suguru answered the challenging gaze and saw so much more than just anger behind the endless ocean. There was a kind of loneliness and hurt in them that sucked all the air out of sugurus lungs.
"I-"
He could see the barely visible tremble in Satoru's features again. It stung.
Suguru didn't want to let him know, to burden him, to cause another divide between them.
But the pressure in his chest persisted, surged up and threatened to spill like his last meal.
"I don't know— If I can take this anymore."
The words burned on his tongue like a curse, while the relief of pressure surged into his head.
"I don't know if I can wear a heartfelt smile in this world anymore, Satoru."
His voice was barely more than a whisper. It burned him alive, the shame, the pain, the hopelessness of it all.
Satoru's grip loosened a bit. He didn't say anything, for once he just listened.
Suguru's vision blurred, this time not from exhaustion, but from his overflowing emotions that threatened to spill over his waterline.
"You asked me if we should just kill them all. With every day that passes I start to think that I should have said yes.”
“We should have just burned it all down, Satoru. They don't deserve our kindness, us fighting for them. We're the ones that are cleaning up after them and for what? For a paycheck and nothing to change?"
The words bubbled out of him and wouldn't stop coming. He barely felt his own trembling, the tears streaming down his face and Satoru's tight hold.
"All I can hear is their cheering and clapping. All I can taste are the curses I consume for them. I don't want this anymore, Satoru. I don't want everything to taste like that. I don't— I—"
A sob wrecked through his body and he clung to his only friend like a lifeline, for else he'd drown in his own thoughts.
He felt Satoru's fingers weave in his hair on the back of his head, a steady cradling of their bodies, so close together, it felt like Satoru was trying to squeeze all those vile thoughts out of him.
"We can still do it."
The words bounced through the barely decorated room and Suguru's hollow bones.
"What...?"
"Say the word and I will kill them for you, Suguru." Satoru's tone was earnest, not a hint of humor in them.
"If you say that there is meaning to it- that it will make you want to stay with me, I'll do it. I just– I can't continue to watch you hurt yourself like that."
For a moment time seemed to come to a crawl, like objects slowing down once they neared infinity.
Satoru was serious. Suguru didn't have a shred of doubt about that. He'd change it all, throw it all away at Suguru's call and the absurdness of this statement crossed with the overwhelming emotions in Suguru's head and forced a pained laugh out of him.
"You could." Suguru pressed out. "It would be easy for you too. If you wanted to, you could end this whole world, right Satoru?"
He didn't need an answer to that. He knew. Everyone did. Gojo Satoru was the strongest and everyone was counting their blessings that he had not yet decided that this world was worthless. He had given Suguru the power to do exactly that, to eradicate them all, to burn it down and hope that new and healthy seedlings would grow from the Ashes.
"Can you start with me, then? I wouldn't mind if it were by your hand."
"I can't." Was the immediate and curt answer.
Satoru finally loosened his hold, to find Suguru's deep eyes, filled with tears and swirling with darkness behind them.
"You're not listening to me Suguru. I'd do it to keep you by my side. There would be no point if you weren't there with me."
Suguru didn't get it.
Couldn't wrap his head around the concept, the thinly veiled plea. Satoru was the strongest. What use would he have for someone who wasn't even strong enough to bear his own technique? Who'd rather slowly starved to death than end it quickly with a knife or a noose?
"Don't leave me behind, please."
Their foreheads touched, noses brushed against each other, eyes closed while pale crystals fell down.
Ah.
Suguru really was stupid sometimes.
How had he not noticed?
Had he really misinterpreted everything?
So sure that he was not worthy to have a place next to the strongest, let alone that his own feelings would be anything else than unrequited.
He could feel Satoru's quivering breath against his own lips. It was warm and smelled like his last sweet treat.
A hushed "okay" was whispered against them, before they bridged the gap.
Suguru couldn't tell who did it- but all that mattered was the warmth blooming in his chest that finally, finally smothered the cold flames inside.
That calmed the clawing dark mass and stopped the maelstrom of thoughts inside his head.
"I got you." Satoru kissed his tear stained cheeks,
"I need you." kissed the hollow of his collar bones,
"Stay with me." kissed each protruding rib.
And Suguru let the soothing feeling wash over him, let Satoru explore, let him worship his self inflicted wounds until he couldn't feel them anymore. Until he felt the cracks in his self be filled with Satoru’s feelings.
And for the first time in months
the soba tasted sweet.