Chapter Text
It was a disgustingly putrid Summer day, already 96.75 degrees Fahrenheit at 9 in the morning. But, it was also the day Len, Rin, Fukase, Piko, and Flower were going to the highly anticipated event Len had begged them to tag along to. Dashcon 2024.
Fukase was driving them to the convention center in his shitty bouncing car he got for five dollars as Kesha's hit song TikTok blared on the radio. The radio was poor quality, so it sounded like a child on Xbox Live in 2007.
"We're almost there, kids," Fukase said, turning down the radio volume significantly. Of course, Fukase was dressed as the BBC variant of Sherlock Holmes. As he and Piko wanted to do a couples' cosplay, Piko was John Watson.
"God, I'm so excited." Len beamed. He was in a Paul Blart Mall Cop cosplay, not that anybody could really tell, he just looked like a security guard, and he forgot to buy a segway. Those were probably banned at the con anyway. "I heard that Kevin James is gonna do a meet and greet."
"Where did you hear that? It's not on the website." Rin asked. She was dressed as, of course, Kylo Ren without his helmet. She had a scar drawn on her face with crayon, as it was The Last Jedi Kylo (clothed).
"A guy with a Kevin James shirt at our last concert told me." Len smiled. "He also said some dudes named Dan and Phil were gonna show up during a panel and kiss, holding the gay flag. I'm not sure how he knows these things."
"Stop believing dumb shit." Rin said. "Oh, there's the convention center." Rin pointed out the window. The building said 'CUTEST CONVENTION CENTER IN THE WORLD' and the letters on the sign were peeling off.
"It's beautiful.." Len gasped.
"It looks moldy." Flower said, looking up from her outdated Hello Kitty phone from 2012. Flower, of course, was wearing a Tenth Doctor from Doctor Who cosplay.
"Well if we get asbestos failure from being here we might as well make the most of it, right kids?" Fukase said, pulling up into a tiny parking spot perfect for his piece of shit car that somehow fit five people. "Come on, guys," Fukase said, hopping out of the car as a spark flew out from his door. Piko, Rin, Len, and Flower followed after him.
They parked right outside the building, and could already see people coming in. Lots of cosplayers, as most cons have, and a strangely large amount of grandmas showed up alone or with their spouses too. "What's Dashcon a convention for again?" Piko asked, fiddling with his jacket as someone walked past him.
"Yo, are you James Sunderland from Science Hill 4?" the guy asked, walking away before he could get an answer. Piko was, as mentioned before, not James Sunderland from Silent Hill 2.
"It's a con for Tumblr users." Len explained. "Now, I'm rarely on Tumblr except to reblog Kevin James gifsets that make my browser lag, but I adore the culture. I really fit in there."
"Tumblr culture..." Piko muttered, taking Fukase's hand. "Hey, you ran a Once-ler ask blog once, right Fukase?"
"It got banned last week." Fukase frowned. "A bunch of people mass reported me because I thought someone constantly talking about the Lorax getting pregnant and eating blood was creepy as fuck."
The group walked into the building and got their lanyard things, with little cards attached saying "DASHCON 2024" with their names written on them in crayon. The lanyards had little Minion drawings on them. They were quite putrid.
"Alright gang, let's split up." Fukase said, popping his coat collar out. "Piko and I are gonna look for Johnlock yaoi. Flower, babysit Rin and Len." Fukase took Piko's hand and they ran off to the artist's alley, while Rin, Len, and Flower stood there.
"So.. where are we going?" Flower asked.
"Hmmm.." Len hmmed, pulling the schedule out of his pocket. "There's an omegaverse panel going on right now, we're not gonna go to that one... British Men with Cheekbones is on at 3.. Ballpit's all day but we're saving that for later... The rave is tonight starting at 9.."
"Aw man, British Men with Cheekbones is so long from now." Flower muttered.
"Lets go to that one." Rin pointed at the Star Wars discourse panel. "It's in like, five minutes."
"I don't know, man.." Len shook his head. "Didn't you get into fistfights over that stuff before?"
"I'm brave now. And strong." Rin stated. "We're going to the Star Wars discourse panel."
Len folded the schedule, shoved it in his back pocket, and he, Flower, and Rin marched to the Star Wars discourse panel room. Len was terrified for his life, Rin was brave and strong, and Flower was hungry.
There was an armed guard at the door of the panel, with his arms behind his back, a Bob the Builder helmet, a bulletproof vest, kneepads, and ugly sneakers. He looked the group up and down. "You don't have any weaponry on you, correct?" he asked.
"I have a toy lightsaber, but it's well... A toy." Rin answered. "Like, below Power Rangers prop tier. And they had cardboard."
"I'm gonna need you to hand that over, miss." the guard said. Rin sighed and took her lightsaber off her holster and handed it to the guard. "Thank you. Anybody else?"
"My taser's cardboard and doesn't shoot any sparks." Len said.
"My screwdriver doesn't do anything." Flower said.
"You're all free to go, kids." the guard spoke. "Especially the goth Doctor Who, she looks quite unintimidating." Len nodded as they walked into the panel and took their seats.
The room got dark as soon as they sat down, and spotlights beamed onto the stage.
"And now, introducing... The one and only..." a slightly annoying voice said over the intercom. "JEFFY MUCUS!!!"
"Oh, God, no." Flower groaned, making sure nobody heard her except the twins.
"Do you know this guy?" Rin asked quietly.
"No. He's just named Jeffy Mucus so I'm expecting the worst man alive." Flower whispered back.
A scrawny, sickly man came on stage, wearing a shirt with a nude painting of Yoda printed on it, and sporting one curly hair on his head like Charlie Brown. (Please stop telling me he's supposed to be blonde, he's not, there's blonde children in Peanuts, he's fucking bald.) He raised his arms out like Jesus, and the crowd roared in applause. "Thank you, thank you Trekkies!" he yelled into his headset. "I'm truly honored, really. So, this is the Star Wars discourse panel. I'm your host, Jeffy Mucus. If you don't know who I am, well that's alright because I'll introduce myself."
Jeffy Mucus pulled up an incredibly uncomfortable looking chair, and took a seat in it, backwards of course. "I'm Jeffy Mucus. I was chosen for this panel due to my intense knowledge of Star Wars lore, as you can tell from my shirt. Nude Yoda, am I right? Haha."
"God, I hate him." Flower whispered.
"No, wait, what if he has some good takes." Len whispered back. "He might be really enlightened."
"So, my favorite character from Star Wars is Klaud, right?" Jeffy Mucus continued. "You might know him from that homophobic slug meme, but he's actually not homophobic at all. He has a husband, who looks just like him but pink. You're all flanderizing his character, and I simply don't stand for it. Anyway, here's my first hot take of the day, and I encourage arguing." Mucus clapped his hands together, and the screen behind him turned on. It took a whole minute, before showing a Powerpoint slide with a jpeg of Kylo Ren.
"Oh no." Len muttered.
"So, Kylo Ren, right?" Mucus began. "He's a bit of a character, isn't he?" he laughed. "Ummm.. So he's like.. How do I say it.. He's kind of femme." The crowd squealed in delight. "I don't really have much else to say, though. He's kind of femme, he's, uhh..."
Rin stood up, raising her hand. A light shined down on her.
"I see someone has an opinion on this!" Mucus clapped. "Step right up onto the stage, young lady!"
Rin marched onto the stage, in her Kylo Ren cosplay, sans the helmet and lightsaber. She was REALLY peeved about the lightsaber.
"I like your Kylo cosplay, miss. What's your name?" Mucus said, holding a mic up to Rin.
"My name's Rin." she spoke. "And well, I'm kind of irked you only had one thing to say about Kylo Ren. And yes, I AM calling him Kylo still, not fucking Ben alright."
"So, what would you like to say about Kylo ren, Rin?" Mucus asked.
"Well, first of all, I'm curious as to what you meant by he's kinda femme." Rin said. "You can't just say that and not elaborate."
Mucus sweated a bit, playing with the one curly pube on his head. "Oh, uhh, well... He's just kinda femme, you know? You'd know."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Rin asked, furrowing her eyebrows. "Explain what Kylo Ren being femme means to you."
"Uhh, not very much, if I'm honest." Mucus spoke. "Do you have any opinions on Klaud?"
"No. I don't care about Klaud." Rin answered. "I'm sorry. Do you have other opinions on Kylo Ren?"
"Well, personally I think Han and Leia abused him. That's why he's like that." Mucus spoke. "There, are you happy?! I can explain more of my theory, if you want. He's femme, and his parents were toxic."
"They wouldn't do that. The true tragedy of him turning to the dark side, was that there was no real reason for him to." Rin argued. "There's zero evidence of Leia and Han abusing him, at all. They were disappointed in him, for becoming a war criminal!! It's right in the damn movie!!"
Len put his head in his hands. "No, let her continue, she's right." Flower said.
"Kylo is femme and he's sympathetic and that's final!!" Mucus began to yell.
"If he was abused by anybody, it was Snoke!! Clearly!!" Rin yelled back. "When's the last time you watched the movie, huh? Any of the sequel trilogy, when's the last time you watched it?"
"..When the movies came out." Mucus admitted. "But I have a really good memory, ok?!!"
"I watch them. Three times a month." Rin scowled. "Clearly you need to rewatch them, as your memory is incredibly poor. Thanks, I'm done." Rin stomped down the stairs of the stage, walking back to her seat and sitting back down, folding her hands politely in her lap.
"What'd I tell you?" Len whispered.
"It didn't get physical." Rin whispered back. "Also, I did a damn good job arguing. Look how dumbfounded he looks."
"I knew I hated him." Flower replied. "You can't trust a guy named some shit like Jeffy Mucus. They're all evil."
"Alright, next discourse topic." Jeffy Mucus announced, clapping his hands as the screen changed to a picture of C3-PO. "This guy? Well, I think he's also kind of femme."
"That makes sense." Len whispered.
"But, he's also a sick fuck." Mucus added, the screen changing to a red filtered picture of C3-PO. "And, in my Alvin and the Chipmunks Star Wars crossover fanfiction, he's like, torturing rats, torturing slugs, blowing up planets, that sort of thing." The screen changed to show Simon the chipmunk frowning. "And despite all this, I ship him with Dave, the chipmunk owner... Dave knows he shouldn't be in infatuation with this sick, sick droid... but that's what makes it so spicy, in my opinion. Now, I headcanon Dave Seville as an omega-"
"We're leaving." Rin stood up from her seat. "I can't take this clown anymore, he's making me sick."
"I told you." Flower said, following her and Len out of the panel.
The guard gave Rin back her lightsaber and the group went over the schedule again. "Man, we wasted a bit of time there. It's 11:15 now." Len said.
"Someone else is gonna put him in his place, don't worry." Rin snickered.
A cacophony of screams sounded from inside the panel room, and the guard immediately ran inside. "Wow." Flower muttered.
"He's not gonna make it." Rin laughed. "I wonder what it took to set them off."
"Definitely the chipmunk thing." Len said. "Alright, what next?"
"I'm hungry." Flower spoke. "They have free pizza here, let's go find it."
~~
"Well, here we are at the artist's alley, Piko." Fukase said. There were a lot of booths everywhere, selling all kinds of prints, charms, stickers, even plushies. "You brought a credit card, right?"
"You didn't?" Piko asked.
"'Course I did, silly." Fukase chuckled. "Wait, I just remembered. There's a Sherlock manga. I saw it at a con years ago, but someone bought the last one before me. We gotta find it later, alright?"
"Ohh, I remember that." Piko said. "You could've died there, you were so distraught."
"Right." Fukase said. "And if I don't get it this year, I'm gonna die for real. Alright, see that booth over there?" Fukase pointed at a booth selling exclusively prints and charms and stickers of British media. "They're totally gonna have Johnlock, c'mon." Fukase dragged Piko over to the booth, which was being run by an obviously American girl, wearing one of those british golf hats (you know the ones), a unionjack shirt, a black trenchcoat, and thick rimmed glasses. Her lower half wasn't visible behind the table, but she was definitely wearing unionjack leggings and unionjack converse. She waved politely at the couple.
Fukase pretended he was the Terminator for a split second, using his eyes to search the entire booth for a crumb of Johnlock. He saw Doctor Who, Planet Earth, Mr. Bean, Blackadder which also has the Mr. Bean guy, Star Trek which isn't British, some Britbox originals he didn't recognize, Merlin...
"Excuse me, miss," Fukase began nervously, "I noticed there's a lot of British stuff at your table, which is awesome. Do you happen to have any Sherlock stuff?"
The girl looked frightened for a second, but then her glasses did the shiny INTJ anime thing. "Only one." She dug through a box behind her and pulled out... a Johnlock doujin. Fukase looked closer at the cover. The title read, 'JOHNLOCK: RESURRECTION'.
"What's the plot?" Fukase asked.
"Oh, Sherlock dies, like in the Reichenbach fall, but like, for real." The girl explains. "And John resurrects him, and now he's like, immortal. And not only does Sherlock have to deal with the fact he'll outlive everybody, there's also an alien invasion. And Moriarty's behind everything, oops that's a spoiler. Mrs. Hudson's there."
"..How much for it?" Fukase asked, pulling his wallet out of his pocket.
"Oh, it's my longest work, so it's five hundred bucks." the girl explained.
"Shit." Fukase muttered. "I only got six hundred. I'm buying it."
"Are you sure?" the girl asked. "Not many have survived buying this.."
"It's just a comic book, though." Piko said. "Why would it kill anybody?"
"Oh, lots of people's homes or vehicles mysteriously explode with them inside after they buy this, I hear." the girl stated.
Fukase took out $500, slamming it on the table. "Someone threw a firework at my last car, a little clown car." he began. "That thing, I loved it like a brother. But I didn't die. Just let me buy the damn doujin."
The girl smirked, wrapping the book in plastic and handing it to Fukase, who put it in his bottomless pit pocket. "You did make my day with the purchase."
"Thanks, have a normal day." Fukase said, walking away with Piko. "God, this is gonna go so hard. We're reading it together when we get home."
"BBC Sherlock would be improved if it had aliens, I think." Piko said. "That girl's smart. Hey, can I go back to her booth?"
"Yeah, sure." Fukase replied as Piko ran back, bought 5 Mr. Bean charms, and came back to Fukase's side. "You came back to buy fuckin' Mr. Bean merch?"
"I liked his game as a kid." Piko said. "I played it again last week, and it was kind of shit, so I watched some REAL Mr. Bean, and I think he's God now, so.."
"Have you been hanging around Len too much lately?" Fukase asked. "That's like.. Len behavior."
"It's Piko behavior, actually." Piko rebutted. "Look, they managed to make him chibi AND recognizable." Piko shook one of the charms in front of Fukase's face. "AND it's cute."
"..I guess we'll watch some Mr. Bean when we get home, too." Fukase sighed. "Oh, god. I recognize that guy." He looked over at a booth selling Once-ler merch, and what do you know, most of it involved pregnant Lorax eating blood.
"Oh, god." Piko muttered, shoving the Mr. Bean charms in his pocket. "We gotta go now." Piko grabbed Fukase's hand and ran down the hall, incidentally landing in front of another booth selling Lorax merch. This time, it was O'Hare getting radiation poisoning.
"Shit, shit." Fukase muttered. "I know this guy, too." Before he could make eye contact with the person running the booth, who was on the phone with their mom at the moment, Fukase and Piko sprinted across the room.
"What's with all the Lorax merch here?" Piko asked.
"I'm not complaining." Fukase replied. "I'm just wondering why everyone I beefed with is here at the same time, plotting my fuckin' murder."
"We can deal with them." Piko replied, giving Fukase a peck on the cheek. "You wanna keep looking?"
"Yeah, they got Sherlock and John plushies at another booth." Fukase answered. "We gotta get them before I die again."
"Wait, how much did you spend, again? Five hundred?" Piko asked. "You're gonna have to use my money soon, aren't you?"
Fukase looked in his wallet. He really did forget his credit card. And his debit card. All that sat in there was change and $110 bucks. "Well, nobody sells plushies for $100 so I think we're fine."
"You told me you brought your cards.." Piko sighed, rubbing his temple like an old man. "Whatever, I don't care. We're getting you the Johnlocks, and I'm getting more Mr. Beans."
It turned out, nobody else at the con sold Mr. Bean merch.
~~
END OF CHAPTER 1