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Gwyn awoke with a pounding headache, the way she always did after a hard cry.
It was the first thing that she was aware of before opening her eyes. Her neck was also killing her, but that’s what she got for sleeping on her couch instead of her comfy bed.
She began to move and try to crack her eyes open against the offensively bright sunlight, when she suddenly stilled, her body going ridged.
Her couch was breathing, a steady and comfortable rise and fall, she was certain. Her eyes flew open as the events of the previous night came flooding back to her.
The couch wasn’t breathing, Azriel was. He was still asleep, one arm tucked behind his head, the other draped over her stomach.
Gwyn’s mind began to race, the events of the previous night flooding her memory. Azriel had come over to help carry the IKEA pack up two flights of stairs (the elevator in her shitty building had been broken for weeks). Nesta had volunteered Cassian for the job, but he’d said he wasn’t feeling well and sent his brother in his stead. Az had assured her that it wasn’t a big deal, and had carried the medium-sized disassembled bookshelf on his shoulder, completely disregarding her protests that they should share the burden.
When they reached her apartment and he gingerly set the load down on her living room floor, she expected him to politely decline her offer of payment via delivery pizza and leave her alone in her barebones living space.
The apartment wasn’t that bad, really, she had a couch, coffee table, bed, and TV- but she was still working on making the little one bedroom feel like a home. She had made a pact with herself to buy one new piece of furniture or decor a month. This month, it was the bookcase. Her paperbacks had been piling up on every available surface for some time now, and it was time they had a proper home.
Azriel hadn’t declined her offer though, he’d stayed for pizza and helped her put the bookshelf together. The two of them had fallen into their usual easy banter, the topics staying light and teasing. Gwyn, as usual, had been chiding herself throughout the evening for the butterflies that roared to life in her stomach with each unguarded smile he shot her way.
She’d had a crush on the beautiful, brooding giant since the day she met him. She’d been attending Cassian’s all-female self defense class at the behest of Nesta, her best friend. Cassian taught their class at the gym once a week, teaching them valuable skills that may one day save their lives. She’d only been attending a few weeks when she walked in to be greeted by the sight of the most handsome man she had ever seen. His dark features, sharp angles, and towering hight had immediately caught her attention. She speed walked over to Nesta with a question in her eyes.
“Cass asked his brother to help out this week. He wants to show us some different holds and thought it’d be best to use him for demonstration.”
It made sense, most of the women in the class weren’t comfortable being touched. They all trusted Cassian explicitly, he’d only shown the upmost respect to each member of the class, asking each one their level of comfort upon intake. Still, most of them wouldn’t have been comfortable being used for the demonstration.
Nesta, however, was dating Cassian. Gwyn knew she’d done a lot more with the man than break out of few strongholds. She was usually the one who volunteered as his demonstration partner.
“Why couldn’t he just use you?” Gwen asked.
“Because Az is a professional, and I’m getting a little burnt out on being his gorgeous assistant.”
Gwen rolled her eyes, she knew Nesta didn’t really mind being the center of attention, or helping Cassian. Her answer only brought more questions to the surface.
“A professional?” Gwen asked.
“Yeah, he’s actually a pretty big deal. When Cass and Rhys stopped fighting and opened the gym, he stayed in it. He’s risen through the ranks and even has a bunch of corporate sponsors now.”
Gwen knew Cassian and his other brother had fought in many MMA matches throughout their teens and early twenties. She had even heard them mention a third brother, but she hadn’t really given it much thought until now.
“He comes to the gym to train whenever he’s in town. Let me introduce you!”
Gwen’s eyebrows shot sky high as she was dragged across the padded floor by her friend. Nesta stopped short in front of the dark tower of a man.
“Az, this is Gwen, who I was telling you about. She’ll be coming to dinner with us tonight. Gwen, meet Azriel.”
Azriel gave her a shy smile, one dimple popping out on his left cheek.
His hand threaded through soft black curls, probably a nervous habit, Gwyn thought to herself. The other hand extended between them in silent offer of a handshake.
Gwyn shook his hand and marveled at how it completely dwarfed her own.
“Nice to meet you, Azriel.” Her voice did not come out sounding as confident as she’d hoped.
“Nice to meet you, Gwyn. I’ve heard a lot about you- all good of course.” He shifted his eyes slightly to Nesta, who shrugged.
Gwyn wondered what that was about.
Her reply was cut short by Cassian’s booming voice, signaling the beginning of class.
Ariel went to stand beside him as Cass introduced him to the rest of the ladies. Gwyn found it hard to concentrate on anything besides the bulging muscles of his biceps straining against the soft fabric of his athletic T-shirt, or the way said T-shirt would occasionally rise to reveal scant glimpses of perfectly chiseled abs. Azriel had clearly been nervous before the class began, as she saw him visibly relax the second he and Cassian began to spar. It was like putting a gasping fish back in water, Gwyn thought to herself. His movements were so full of fluid grace, he looked as though he floated on air. This was clearly his element. She wondered what it would be like to dance with him, to be held tightly in those strong arms as he spun her across a dance floor. She just knew he’d be a lovely dancer judging by the way he moved.
She quickly caught herself, however. Gwyn didn’t fantasize about real men- only fictional ones. The safest kind, in her opinion.
By the end of class, she had reined in her traitorous thoughts and was enjoying the endorphin rush that she’d grown to love after a tough work out.
That night at dinner however, the flicker of a crush she’d felt earlier was fanned into a blazing wildfire as she beheld the dark haired man in midnight blue slacks that stretched deliciously over his muscled thighs, a white button down was tucked into them with the sleeves rolled to three quarters. He looked like every lead she’d fantasized about from the romance novels she liked so much.
He gave her a polite nod as she joined the rest of the group waiting to be seated.
“GWENIE!” Emerie, her other best friend, rushed from her girlfriends’ side to pull Gwen into a crushing hug.
“How have you been? I feel like I haven’t seen you in a century!”
Gwen had to laugh at that. “We were just together at brunch last week, Em.”
The group followed the waitress to the back of Rita’s, where two tables had been pushed together in order to seat their sizable group. Everyone was paired off in their group, Gwen had grown used to being the odd man out, but tonight-
“Gwyn! Here, you can sit next to Az!”
Nesta supplied helpfully, Gwyn shot her a look. Her friend had clocked her attraction to the man almost immediately, and they’d had a long talk that afternoon, Nesta promising to keep Gwyn’s secret to herself. Az had given her another shy smile and gently pulled her chair back for her. She was going to combust, she just knew it. But her panicked thoughts were quickly cut short by Rhys clearing his throat. He had an announcement.
He stood with his beautiful wife, looking at her with such admiration and devotion that it made Gwyn’s chest ache.
“Fayre and I have something to announce. Darling?”
Gwyn watched a brilliant smile spread across both of their faces as Fayre took a deep breath and announced:
“I’m pregnant.”
The entire table erupted with whoops of joy and congratulations, the boys standing to give Rhys slaps on the back, while Fayre’s sisters rushed to pull her into an embrace.
“Congratulations to you both, you’re going to be the most wonderful parents a baby could ask for!” Gwyn told them earnestly, she was much newer to the group than the others, but she was so happy to be included in the shared joy.
She’d spent so much time on her own in the years after her sister was killed, that she could have never imagined having a found family like this. She was grinning from ear to ear as Rhys said “So, that means I’m going to be taking some time off from the gym. I know we just opened up the new locations, but I’ll still be around, just less. With renovating the new house and getting ready for the babe, I’m going to be stretched pretty thin. That’s why Azriel has offered to take a year off beating the shit out of his opponents to help Cassian keep things running smoothly.”
At that, Cassian grinned and gave Azriel a hard slap on the shoulder.
“I know you’re just as stoked as I am to be working together again, my sweet Azie!”
Gwen watched as Azriel rolled his eyes and a fond smile took over his features.
“Don’t make me regret this, Cass.”
His tone was light, and his hazel eyes shone with pride as he turned to the oldest brother. “Congratulations to the both of you, I can’t wait to be an uncle, and it’s about time I give these old bones a break from fighting anyway. I’m happy to help.”
That was the first of many family dinners over the next six months that had Azriel and Gwyn seated side by side. Between the dinners and and weekly classes he’d continued to attend, Az and Gwyn developed a comfortable routine with each other. Neither of them were as outgoing as the rest of their family, but they had both slowly come out of their respective shells, sharing tidbits here and there and falling into banter easily. Gwyn had come to see him as another friend, a friend she still had a massive crush on.
Gwyn snapped out of her thoughts and gingerly angled her head upwards to catch a glimpse of his beautiful face. He looked younger, and more peaceful than she had ever seen him. She felt her stomach drop as the previous night came flooding back to her. What they’d talked about last night- what she’d told him. Things Nesta didn’t even know. He’d stood in her doorway awkwardly after the shelf was put together and the pizza long gone. She’d shifted on her feet as she watched him run a hand through his perfect hair.
“I… uh, I wanted to ask you something.” He seemed nervous to find the right words. Then they all seemed to tumble out at once.
“I was wondering- I was wondering if you’d want to get dinner sometime. With me. Like, together. I know… I know I’m not supposed to be here for much longer, but I’ve been thinking, and Rhys is still going to need help when the baby gets here. I know they’ll have their hands full, and I’ve been thinking that I might stay for… longer.”
A fierce blush began to spread from his cheeks to his neck. Gwen didn’t know what to say, was Azriel asking her on a date? Surely not.
“Like… a date?” Gwyn asked. Azriel nodded in favor of swallowing whatever he was about to say.
Gwyn’s palms stared to sweat, she was sure he could hear her heart nearly beating out of her chest. She tried to answer him, she really did, but all she could hear was the loud whoosh of blood in her ears. Her breathing had turned erratic in a second, and she felt slightly off balance.
‘No. No, this couldn’t be happening,’ she thought to herself. ‘Pull yourself together NOW and answer him before you embarrass yourself.’
But she couldn’t, and Azriel was there in a flash. Moving across the distance between them before Gwyn could even comprehend what was happening.
“Hey, hey, no, Gwyn- I’m sorry. I’m stupid, I’m so fucking stupid, this was a mistake. I didn’t mean to offend you or stress you out. I get it, we’re in the same friend group and you probably don’t even see me that way- please forget I say anything and we’ll pretend this never happened… Gwyn?”
Gwyn forced herself to answer, to try and calm her outward appearance so that the look of panic in his eyes would go away.
“Az… I’m sorry I…”
“It’s totally fine Gwyn, I promise. Please, don’t be sorry. I totally get it, you don’t have to explain yourself.”
But she did. Gwyn couldn’t stand the thought of him thinking he’d upset her, that her issues were somehow his fault.
“No, Az, it’s not you. I… like you. A lot. But I can’t go out with you.”
That gave him pause. His look turned questioning, but he stayed silent.
“I… I’m not the kind of person you want to date.”
Ariel’s features quickly turned into a look of disbelief as he said
“Gwyn. You’re exactly the kind of person I want to date. You’re kind, beautiful, wicked smart, way smarter than me, and you’re so beautiful- you don’t mind when I go quiet, and you’re always making me laugh. Why wouldn’t I want to date you?”
Gwyn felt her blush creeping up, the way he said those things about her with such conviction… he thought she was pretty? It was too much. It was too good to be true, she had to put a stop to it.
“Az, I can’t date you because I don’t date… anyone. I’m not- I’m not relationship material, or dating material. Any kind of material, really-“
“Gwyn-“ Azriel cut her off from what was quickly becoming a rambling word salad.
“It’s been a while since I’ve been in a relationship too, I’m not really good at this whole thing either.” A nervous laugh escaped him as he finished his sentence.
“It’s not that, Az. I-“ she took a deep breath, steeling herself. She needed to rip this off like a bandaid. She’d deal with the embarrassment and self loathing once he was out of her apartment.
“I was assaulted. When my sister was killed, they… hurt me. And I… I can’t make myself do the things that you’re supposed to do in a relationship. I can’t-”her words were cut off by a choked out sob escaping her throat, gods this was so embarrassing. She wanted the floor to open up and swallow her whole. How had such a wonderful night turned south so quickly?
Now Azriel would never look at her the same again. She could feel the panic expanding inside of her, making her skin feel too tight and her breathing labored.
Concern flooded Azriel’s eyes, she struggled to meet them. She felt the ghost of a touch on her arm before Azriel quickly pulled his hand back. “Hey. Gwyn. It’s ok, it’s ok, sweetheart. I think you’re having a panic attack. Come sit down and I’ll get you some water.” Gwyn did as she was told as the sound of her gasping breaths filled the tiny apartment. Azriel returned in record time, a glass of water in his hand. How had he known where she kept them? She watched as he carefully knelt down in front of her, as if she were a baby fawn that he was frightened he’d spook.
“Can you take a big deep breath for me sweetheart?”
She tried. She got a fair bit of air into her lungs before her breath began to stutter again. “That’s it. That’s good, keep breathing. Try to match my breaths, ok?”
She focused all of her energy on forcing the air into her lungs, holding it for a few seconds like him, then slowly releasing.
She felt her body begin to relax a bit, breathing becoming easier, though she noticed that she’d began shaking. She sat on her hands so they’d still.
She hated panic attacks, hated being out of control and how they made her body betray her.
“That’s good, Gwyn, you’re doing so good. That’s it, keep breathing.”
She looked into his eyes, they burned into her. He looked disheveled, worried.
“I’m sorr-”
“No, none of that now. It’s ok. It’s all ok, sweetheart. Here, take a sip”
She didn’t have time to think about the pet name as she removed her hands from underneath her to take the glass from him. She took a tentative sip, feeling the the coolness begin to sooth her raw throat. She took another few sips before handing the glass back to be sat on the coffee table.
“Thank you” was all she could think to say. She was embarrassed and couldn’t meet his eyes.
“No problem, Gwyn. Are you feeling a bit better?” She nodded. She started to reassure him, to tell him that he could go, that she would be ok now, but he cut her off.
“I’d like to stay for just a bit if that’s ok with you. I know what a panic attack is like and I’d hate for you to be alone while you recover, especially since I’m the one who caused it.”
The last words were clipped, like they pained him. Her eyes shot to him then, “You didn’t cause it! I swear, it’s me. You’re a wonderful man, Az, the best. You’re so thoughtful and kind. You’d never intentionally hurt me, and you couldn’t have known. Only… only Nesta and Em know.”
Azriel let out a long breath and sat back on his heels, leaning his back against the coffee table.
“I won’t tell anyone, Gwyn. I promise.”
“Thank you,” she tried to give him a small smile, but could feel how pathetic it must look on her tear streaked face.
Silence stretched between them for a beat before Azriel spoke again.
“If you ever want to talk about it, I’ll listen. I’d never share anything you say to me in confidence. And I know that talking… helps.”
Her eyes began to sting again, but for a different reason. How could this man be so sweet? She could never tell him about that night though. She couldn’t bare to see him look at her with pity or sadness. She didn’t want him to think of her differently.
“I appreciate that Az, but I’m ok. Really.”
Azriel surveyed her face, seeming to find something there, then began to talk again.
“You know Rhys and Cass and I aren’t really brothers, right?”
She nodded, Nesta had told her. The boys had met when they were in elementary school. She knew that Cassian and Azriel were from different backgrounds than Rhys, but that they’d bonded quickly. Nesta hadn’t given many details, but she’d told her that neither of the boys had had a very good home life.
“Right, well, I didn’t grow up like Rhys. Or even Cass. My childhood was…bad. Until they came along. I was an affair baby, an unwanted bastard born to an immigrant mother. My father coerced her, dangling
pretty promises and sweet words in front of her, buying her all kinds of gifts-
Anyway, it was all fine until I came along and ruined his big secret. He turned violent and threatened my mom against speaking out, but his wife found out anyway.” He moved to fully sit on the floor, getting more comfortable.
“She hated me from the second I was born. I was the physical manifestation of her husband’s affair. But for some reason I could never fully understand, she made him fight for full custody. To punish us both, I guess.
My mother didn’t stand a chance against his lawyers. She was single, broke, and barely spoke English. They awarded him full custody, I only got to see her every other weekend.”
Gwyn hadn’t known any of this, and she couldn’t understand why he was choosing to trust her with this information. She’d grown to know him pretty well over the past six months, and if there was one thing she knew, it was that he was extremely guarded and only seemed to really trust those in his closest circle.
“My time with my father and his family was… painful. Physically and mentally. My brothers hated me even more than my stepmother, so she turned a blind eye to their beatings. I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere or do anything outside of school, my social skills became severely stunted. I was scrawny, weak-” Gwyn’s eyes snapped up, she couldn’t imagine the hulking man in front of her being either of those things.
“You’re probably wondering why I’m telling you all this.”
Gwyn gave him a small smile, and wordlessly encouraged him to continue.
“It’s because for a long time, I kept all of that bottled up inside of me. Things got better once I met Cass and Rhys, and Rhys’ mother took me in. But after a while, bottling up that pain became a problem. I thought I was burying it, but it came out in other ways. Self destructive ways. I started getting in fights and staying out past curfew… I was headed down a bad road.” Azriel looked down at his hands before continuing.
“If it hadn’t been for Mrs. Night enrolling the three of us in a Jiu-Jitsu class, I’m not sure I’d be here today. Together we learned discipline, how to control our bodies and minds, and it made me not feel as weak anymore. This wasn’t street fighting, it was controlled, structured. It gave me something else to focus on, to lose myself in.” His lips curled into a soft half smile and he shook his head as if he had gotten lost in a fond memory.
“I owe everything to that first instructor. He told me something that I’m going to share with you: Pain insists upon being attended to.
Don’t sit with it alone forever, please Gwyn? It’s ok to share the burden- it doesn’t have to be with me, but I think it’d be good for you to talk about it.”
Gwyn felt the tears escaping and falling down her cheeks. She was in awe of how vulnerable he’d made himself in order to make her feel more comfortable.
“Az… can I… hug you?”
A soft look of surprise crossed his face, but he was already standing.
“Of course, Gwyn.”
Gwyn stood to meet him and then she was completely wrapped in his embrace. The scent of warm amber and sage surrounded her, his body heat banishing a chill she didn’t know she’d had.
They stayed like that for some time before moving back to the couch. Azriel sat next to her, not touching, but close enough to still feel the warmth radiating off him.
“Can I… tell you about Catrin?”
“Of course, whatever you want to talk about. Tell me all about her.”
She took another deep breath before launching into her story. She told him everything about her sister, the things she loved, the things missed about her, the way no one or nothing could come between their love for each other. She paused only after telling him about the party they’d thrown to celebrate getting accepted into the same college. The college they’d only gotten to attend for six weeks before the attack that took her sisters’ life.
Azriel could sense her pain and trepidation, he’d stayed silent the whole time Gwyn was talking, and now he tentatively offered his hand, palm up, to her. Leaving her room to reject the touch he offered. She took it, her delicate fingers threading through his. She didn’t give herself time to think about how right it felt to be holding his hand, and instead pushed on.
She told him about those first weeks of school, how Catrin had blossomed and had already made so many new friends, how she and her sister had finally felt like their lives had begun.
She felt the pinpricks of tears beginning to fill her eyes as she began to tell him about that night. She felt them begin to fall, and still pushed on. She felt Azriel squeeze her hand a few times when the emotions threatened to overtake her, the sensation grounding her enough to continue.
She told him about the men who jumped them, how when they had no money or valuables, they decided to take something else. How Catrin had tried to fight for them both, had tried to save her.
In a wet voice she recounted the way her sister had died, and how that was far from the end of the attack.
Help had come eventually, a stranger had called the police after hearing her screams, but it was too late for Catrin.
Her voice sounded foreign to her own ears, her throat had grown dry from talking and was raspy with emotion.
Azriel handed her the glass of water again, watching her take a sip.
“Gwyn… you’re so incredibly strong.”
That wasn’t what she was expecting to hear.
She let out a small huff of air in spite of herself, but Azriel moved to look her in the eyes.
“I mean it Gwyn. You’re incredible. What you went through was horrific. No one, especially you, should ever have to suffer such deranged cruelty. But you haven’t let it define you, you haven’t let it hold you back. You’ve made a life for yourself, you have incredible friends and a job that you love. That takes more strength and determination than anything I could think of. I’m proud of you. All of us are.”
At that, the flood gates were opened. Gwyn hadn’t know how badly she needed to hear those words. She had always felt guilt clawing at the back of her mind, bitterly reminding her that Catrin would never have any of those things- that she would never get to live her life.
Azriel’s words were like a balm to her aching heart.
She couldn’t stop the tears if she’d tried, and it was as if a magnet pulled her into him. She felt her arms wrapping around him again before she even registered what was happening. She was vaguely aware of getting his shirt wet with her tears, but he didn’t seem to mind. Azriel had immediately began tracing soft, comforting circles across her shoulders, whispering gentle words of encouragement and praise into the top of her hair.
She must have been lulled to sleep at some point, between the soothing touches and gentle tone of his voice.
She sat up carefully, not wanting to wake him, but Azriel was a light sleeper.
He opened his eyes before squinting them closed again, the hand behind his head coming out to scrub over his face.
Seeming to remember where he was, he dropped his hand to look at her and take in his surroundings.
“Good morning, Sunshine.” He said sheepishly.
“You… stayed.” It was all she could think to say.
“Yeah. I mean, I didn’t want to wake you once you fell asleep.”
“I hope that’s ok-” he added hastily.
“Of course it’s ok, Az. Thank you for… everything. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t embarrassed, but… I feel…lighter.”
Az’s expression turned soft.
“You don’t have anything to be embarrassed about, Gwyn. Like I said last night, I’m proud of you. It takes a lot of guts to tell your story and I’m honored that you felt able to trust me with it.”
“Thank you for listening. And helping with the panic attack. The breathing helped. And not being alone.”
“I used to get them too, still do sometimes, but learning to control your breathing is a game changer. I could teach you more techniques sometime, if you want.”
“I’d like that, Az.”
She sucked her bottom lip between her teeth, her nervous tick.
“Would you… want to get breakfast with me? I know I never answered your question last night-”
“I’d love to, but it doesn’t have to be a date. You don’t owe me anything, Gwyn. I understand if you’re not ready.”
She let a beat of silence stretch between them, giving herself a moment to think about what she really wanted. Then, she gave herself permission to want.
“I think… I might be. Not for everything, but… I’d like to go on a date with you, Az.”
Azriel gave her the biggest, dopiest grin she had ever seen. She felt her own smile spreading across her face.
“Then I would absolutely love to go on a breakfast date with you, Gwyneth Badara.”
Gwyn giggled at the use of her full name, the way it made the butterflies in her belly flutter to life again.
“Let me just, uh, freshen up quickly.”
“I’m in no hurry. I’ll always be happy to wait for you, sweetheart.”
She felt the weight of that statement sink into her. She knew he meant it with his whole chest, that he would be patient with her always.
At the cafe, Gwyn was surprised that her nerves wore off almost immediately. They fell into their usual easy banter, Azriel keeping their topics light and Gwyn making him laugh. It was almost like the time they usually spent together, except Azriel had held her hand on the way to the restaurant, and then back to her apartment. Gwyn couldn’t stop smiling if she tried.
It was the first breakfast date of many to come.