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It was rare for Akutagawa and Atsushi to travel by car. Most of their days were spent walking to the armed detective agency and going on a few occasional dates once in a while. It wasn’t necessary for them to drive at all but one day Atsushi decided to get a license. It was mostly for work purposes as they sometimes went to nearby cities or villages for specific cases.
Atsushi was determined, but it wasn’t easy to get the hang of driving. With lots of help from Kunikida and the private lessons he took, he finally got his license in october. Even though he was pretty good at driving his navigation could use some work. It seemed like Yokohama was a completely different city when he was driving. It wasn’t easy to drive in a big city and he often got lost.
Akutagawa was very supportive of him getting his license. He didn’t have one and didn’t plan on getting one, not thinking it was important. But he saved up money and on Atsushi’s birthday he gifted him a car. It was hard to keep his reason for saving money a secret from Atsushi but he managed. Atsushi was shocked and thrilled and his usually mean demeanor faded, being replaced by a blushing and uncontrollably laughing mess.
“How did you even save up enough money for this!”
“Where there’s a will there’s a way.”
“Is this why you did the night shifts? I can’t believe you!”
“What matters is that you like it. Do you like it?”
“I love it!”
Akutagawa loved spoiling his boyfriend. It wasn’t even an expensive car, probably one of the cheapest ones on the market. But Atsushi truly loved it and loved this gesture. Not to mention it was one of his first birthdays after killing the orphanage headmaster. Akutagawa had really made his day that much more special.
Atsushi and Akutagawa started traveling with the car often. They’d find excuses. Checking out malls and cafes and restaurants far from their dorms. It was fun at first but Akutagawa always had to help him navigate. He told him when to turn and when to keep driving. In truth this made Atsushi feel a bit dumb because he wasn’t able to understand most of the signs on the road. Akutagawa always reassured him by saying that he too wouldn’t be able to read signs while driving. Akutagawa believed himself when saying this but Atsushi was sure he was lying to make him feel better.
Someday in winter they were on the road. Like always Akutagawa was supposed to tell Atsushi the directions but for some reason his mind was off. He was careless, not paying attention to the road or to his boyfriend. This pissed Atsushi off.
“Do I turn here?”
“...”
“Akutagawa? Do I make this turn?”
“Huh? Oh. Yeah I think you were supposed to turn.”
“Would’ve been nice if you had told me before I drove past it.”
“Yeah, sorry.”
“It’s fine I guess. So when do I turn?”
“Uh, just ahead I think.”
It was Atsushi’s idea to go to this place. Akutagawa hadn’t seemed so enthusiastic from the beginning. This was one of the things that made Atsushi even angrier.
“What do you mean you think? Do you not wanna go?”
“No, I wanna go. I’m just not sure how we’ll get there. Maybe we can ask around.”
Any normal person would understand Akutagawa simply didn’t know the road and the lack of signs was making it hard for him to navigate them. But Atsushi wasn’t your typical empath.
“You know what, let’s just go home. I’m tired of driving.”
“Okay. I think I saw a sign saying we can turn back in half a kilometer.”
Atsushi scoffed.
“So you are looking at the signs then? You can just admit you didn’t wanna go.”
“What? No, I wanted to go. You said you’re tired and I don’t want to push you.”
“Yeah, right.”
It was obvious Atsushi wanted a fight but Akutagawa didn’t bite. He never did. And as always Atsushi was left hating him.
When they were close to their dorms Akutagawa went silent. He didn’t give any directions anymore. Atsushi was sure this was due to him wanting to make Atsushi suffer for being mean earlier.
“Oh, I think you were supposed to turn there. Anyway you can turn h-”
“If I was supposed to turn why didn’t you fucking say so!?”
Atsushi’s sudden yell broke the silence. Akutagawa’s eyes widened a bit. He hadn’t expected a yell.
“I mean, we’ve driven here like a thousand times before. I just assumed you’d-”
Atsushi didn’t lower his voice.
“Don’t fucking assume! You always tell me when to turn what is up with you today? What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“Why are you yelling? Fucking fine I’ll tell you when to do everything okay? Want me to also tell you when to drive and stop and blink and breathe?” Akutagawa yelled back.
“You know what Akutagawa, I’m fucking dumb okay?”
“Clearly.”
“I dont know when to turn so maybe if you used your pea sized fucking brain you could tell me instead of just sitting there being so useless.”
“...Go on the next right.” he had responded calmly. It seemed like yelling a few sentences was enough for Akutagawa to calm down. Atsushi didn’t get this because he was still boiling with rage and wanted to keep insulting him. Akutagawa gave directions for the rest of the road and Atsushi didn’t say anything other than a few ‘was that so difficult’s.
When they arrived Akutagawa went to take some stuff from the trunk. Atsushi followed.
“What, will you be all quiet now like always? Will you not say anything?”
Akutagawa didn’t look at his face “What do you want me to say?”
“Anything!”
“Let’s just drop it Atsushi, no need to spoil the night.”
Atsushi let out an insincere laugh.
“Yes, of course let’s do what Akutagawa wants us to do. You literally don’t care about me do you? You don’t care about anything!”
But Akutagawa was still not looking. Atsushi slammed the trunk door shut and walked towards the stairs. He was still a bit annoyed but was mostly calm now. Maybe tonight wasn’t ruined, they’d eat ice cream in front of the tv and Atsushi could tell him how he felt. Akutagawa would apologize, he’d apologize back. It seemed like a good plan.
He opened the apartment door and waited for his boyfriend to enter but he didn’t come. He looked back at the parking lot. Akutagawa wasn’t holding the plastic bags anymore, they were on the floor. Instead he was holding his hands close to his face. There was blood dripping to the floor.
He rushed over.
“Ryuu, what’s wrong.”
He understood what happened when he saw Akutagawa’s hand from up close. The trunk had closed on his fingers. Atsushi hadn’t meant to do that.
“Fuck, Ryuu I’m so sorry. Let me see your hand. Does it hurt a lot?”
He kept apologizing but Akutagawa didn’t give him his hand. He just walked into the building. He didn’t seem angry which made Atsushi panic even more. Eventually he answered him.
“It’s fine.”
He wasn’t angry. He was disappointed. Oh no.
“I’m so sorry I swear it was an accident. I didn’t know your hand was still there, I swear. Does it hurt really bad? Should we go to the hospital? I can call Yosano-sensei if you want, she can check it out. What do you want me to do?”
Akutagawa didn’t answer. He just continued up the stairs and took out his keys with his good hand.
“Ryuu please, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”
“I said it’s fine Atsushi. Can you get the bags?”
“Uh… Are you sure you’re okay? I can get some bandages from the pharmacy.”
“We already have some at home. I’ll be fine.”
He walked into the house and went directly to the bathroom. Atsushi didn’t know what to do. Torn between helping Akutagawa with the bandages and getting the bags. In the end he went down the stairs for the bags. It was difficult, tears in his eyes making his sight blurry. He was pretty good at this, fucking things up then crying about it. He did it after he killed the orphanage headmaster and when Dazai killed himself too.
He went back to the apartment and made sure it wasn’t obvious that he had cried. He couldn’t wash his face since Akutagawa was there. He walked to the bathroom.
Inside Akutagawa was struggling with the bandages. He had washed his wound but not sterilized it. Atsushi knew this because Akutagawa never sterilized his wounds, he said it hurt too much and was unnecessary. Since Atsushi had the tiger’s regenerating abilities he never needed clean ups after missions but sometimes helped Akutagawa with his wounds. He loved doing this for him, but today he didn’t.
“Ryuu.”
Akutagawa looked up.
“I’m really so sorry.”
“I know, Atsushi.”
“Do you?”
“Yes.”
Akutagawa looked back down on his wound. It was bleeding a lot. Probably hurt a lot too.
“I just wish you weren’t so violent sometimes.”
The knots in Atsushi’s throat made themselves known with his next words.
“Yeah, me too.”
Akutagawa looked up again.
“...Can you help me sterilize it?”
Atsushi sniffed “You know it’ll hurt a lot.”
“I can take a little pain. Plus, I’ll just squeeze your hand or something so you can feel the pain too.”
Atsushi laughed tearily.
He poured the alcohol on his hand and Akutagawa squeezed his arm.
“See? I’m fine. Ah, fuck that burns.”
Atsushi laughed again, this time slightly louder.
“So you really forgive me?”
“Yeah. I forgive you for sucking at reading signs.”
“You couldn’t read them either!”
“Whatever. And I forgive you for slamming the trunk on my poor hand. Seriously why did you even slam it that hard?”
“I said I’m sorry! I have issues.”
“Clearly. It’s okay, we’ll work them out.”
“I love you, Ryuu.”
“I love you too.”
Atsushi wrapped Akutagawa’s hand with the bandages and they watched a movie they had been postponing for a while. They fell asleep on the couch while cuddling when the movie got boring. It was going to be difficult for Atsushi to become more gentle, but Akutagawa made him want to change. And Akutagawa wanted to be patient with him. For now, this was enough.