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Quinn dropped her duffle bag onto her bed before collapsing right alongside it.
Mr. Schue’s wedding had been predictably exhausting, but for some not so predictable reasons.
There was the expected Finn and Rachel drama that somehow managed to take over every important event that Glee club was a part of for the last 5 years running now. The expected singing and dancing as if the Glee club alumni were the best choice of musical guest for a wedding reception. And the small talk and questions about college that always came from catching up with high school friends.
But then there was the unexpected situation between Tina, Kurt, and Blaine that Quinn really would never have seen coming. And Emma Pillsbury not showing up to the altar, that was a shock for everyone. Sue showing up in a wedding dress was … less unexpected than the other events of the evening but definitely still a surprise. Although, given what Quinn knew about the woman, it’s arguably the least shocking event from the weekend.
The big shocker, though, at least for Quinn, had been her and Santana.
Getting along.
Dancing.
Laughing.
Drinking.
Sleeping together.
This was Santana Lopez ya know? They had been in a number of very physical altercations before with slapping and shoving into lockers. They tore each other down for four years just to climb over the other one for the spot on the top of the pyramid. Slept with each other’s boyfriends. Gave each other mono. Spread nasty rumors.
Really, there was nothing underhanded, sneaky, or mean that Santana and Quinn hadn’t done to each other.
But for some reason, this weekend had felt … nice.
Quinn keeps thinking that the word “nice” didn’t exactly fit her memory of the night. Nothing with Santa can ever be categorized as nice, at least not in Quinn’s experience. But she was at a loss for any words other than nice.
They talked like there was no bad blood between them and they fit together better on the dance floor than any partner Quinn has ever had. When they stumbled into that hotel room it felt like it was meant to happen. Like they were scratching an itch that was left over from high school rather than crossing a boundary that had never really been set.
Admittedly, Quinn had thought about it a few times in high school. Their moments were always heated and everything between them was just intense in a way that other friendships hadn’t been. In a way that Quinn never had with anyone else in her life.
At the end of the day, Santana always understood Quinn. Her insecurities and hesitations, but also the things she secretly loved and would never admit out loud. She knew all the buttons to press to get to Quinn. Definitely in the wrong ways, but as it turns out, also in all the right ways.
And maybe that’s what led her to text Santana that day.
They had kept in touch here and there over the two years of college, but it was usually the occasional “are you coming home for the holiday?” or “have a couple minutes to facetime?”
It was never texting. And it was certainly never talking just to talk.
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Q: Hey
Satan: Hey
Q: How was your trip back into NYC
Satan: Good. How’s Connecticut
Q: Still boujee
Satan: Perfect for you then
Q: It’d be better with you here
Satan: ….
Satan: What is this Q
Q: We’re friends S, we’re talking
Satan: We haven’t talked like this since we were 14
Q: Maybe this weekend reminded me how much I like you when you aren’t being a bitch
Satan: Sure it's not cause I gave you the best orgasm of your life and now you can’t stop thinking of me
Q: One time thing S
Satan: By my count, it was at least a four time thing
Q: You’re making me regret missing you
Satan: Ugh fine be boring
Satan: I missed you too, Q
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And once Quinn opened the door, it was like no time had passed at all.
They texted every minute they were awake. In class, cooking dinner, in a movie, studying. It never seemed to stop.
At first it was just old friends catching up. A lot of asking about classes and friends and re-learning each other’s lives. It felt nice to have someone back in her life that understood every layer of her. Yes, her and Rachel kept in contact and Puck called her when he could to fill her in on his life in the military. But Santana was really the only person that knew her the way Quinn desperately wanted someone to know her.
They reminisce about high school and talk about where all of their Glee club and Cheerio friends had ended up. Quinn asked about Santana’s parents and how they were doing. Santana did her the favor of not asking about her family. Quinn returns the favor by not asking about how things were with Santana’s abuela.
Quinn gushed about how much she loved her classes and the drama program and Yale. She talked about her roommates. They weren’t lifelong friends, but they were nice to her and would drag her out of her room to go dancing every once and a while. They didn’t know about the Cheerios or give her sad looks when sophomore year of high school came up, and really that’s all that Quinn wanted in college. The fresh start that McKinley and Lima could never give her.
Santana talked about living with Kurt and Rachel and reluctantly becoming friends with them. She loved New York and the anonymity that came with walking down the streets or reading in central park. Like Quinn, Santana wanted to get away from a town full of people that watched that stupid commercial and knew about her and “that Pierce girl.”
Santana talked about her goal of going into entertainment law and helping people achieve their dreams without being ruined by the system. Quinn talked about her dreams of writing screen plays and how she started a manuscript last semester, but was too nervous to let anyone see it.
Santana asked what Quinn wanted from life. Quinn said she was still trying to figure it out, but she held back that she thought more and more that it might involve Santana.
“Do you ever think about the wedding?” Santana whispered into the phone during one of their late night calls.
Quinn held her breath. They joked about their hook up and secret crushes on each other, but they didn’t bring it up like this. When Quinn wanted so badly to tell the truth. The truth she only admitted to herself in moments of quiet safety at night. The truth she hoped was shared.
“Of course I do.” It was a safe answer.
“Yeah me too.” A moment of silence fell over them.
“Santana I––”
“Don’t say it Q. I don’t think you’re ready to admit whatever you want to say right now. And I don’t think I’m ready to hear it yet.”
Quinn didn’t know what Santana meant by that. She wasn’t even sure what she was going to say. But Santana had hung up and the lingering questions remained lingering between them. Quinn should’ve given the conversation more thought, but maybe Santana was right that she wasn’t sure she was ready for whatever revelation waited for her on the other side of that thought.
Quinn asked one time about Santana’s dating life. She thought she was being a good friend. That’s what friends did right? Talk about their crushes and complain about their dates. But it was never that simple with Santana.
Somehow, “anyone catching your eye recently” turned into Santana making a dig at Quinn’s “straightness.” Quinn lashed out, commenting that not everyone was gay, and then they went three days without a word from each other.
She wasn’t sure why she lashed out. The little voice in the back of her head, that was getting louder and louder by the day, yelled that she should think about it for more than a second. But Quinn was doing her best to ignore that voice and the feelings that came with it.
Santana apologized, eventually. And not outright of course, but Quinn always could read between the lines and so they moved on like nothing ever happened. They didn’t talk about why Santana’s dig caused Quinn to lash out or how Quinn couldn’t stop thinking about what it meant for her.
When it got late, and the darkness of their bedrooms cradled their hearts so that they could let their barriers come down without thinking about the consequences of tomorrow, they talked about Britney, and Beth, and all the reasons they had walls when the sun was up. Quinn asked Santana what it felt like to be in love. Santana asked Quinn what it was like to think about Beth growing up with Shelby.
And they teased each other, making digs like they always had but knowing there was no bite behind it anymore. Quinn still joked about Santana being able to float in water, to which Santana always responded that Quinn loved her boob job, and secretly made her blush from 80 miles away.
The teasing bordered on flirting, mostly from Santana, but they didn’t talk about that. For everything they did talk about, they never broached the topics they really should have been talking about.
Like how Quinn had googled what it meant to be gay, and signed up for an LGBT English course in the fall, and how Quinn fell asleep thinking about Santana every night. How Quinn smiled at her phone more in the past couple of months than she had in 2 years of dating Finn, or Puck, or that guy Paul she went out on a date with during her first semester at Yale. She couldn't tell Santana how not saying those things was killing her.
Quinn went on a date in late April. Some guy from her upper level screenplay class asked her out, and Quinn couldn’t think of a good reason to say no. He was tall, with sandy hair, and tanned skin like he somehow managed to spend all of his time on a California beach despite Yale being in New England and the sun coming out like twice since Christmas. He seemed to always pay attention in class, and have good insights and feedback for his classmates.
Anyone would say yes if he asked them out. So Quinn did too.
She didn’t tell Santana about it, but after their third date Quinn accidentally mentioned James and she felt like she could physically feel the pause that Santana took before asking who James was.
“We’ve gone on a couple dates, he’s nice. Grew up in San Diego and came to Yale on a football scholarship.”
“Why the ever-loving fuck is he taking a screenplay class then?” There was more bite to the comment than Santana had in months of them talking. If Quinn detected the hurt in Santana’s voice, she didn’t let on.
Quinn, being stubborn as she was, doubled down on defending James rather than admitting she asked him the same question on their first date. “People have layers of Santana. Not everyone wants to be what people expect them to be.”
“Oh you’re going to lecture me on going against society’s expectations now Q? The girl who spent four years of high school trying to be the perfect little Christian girl with the perfect boyfriend. And is apparently still trying to be the perfect college student.”
Quinn knew this version of Santana. They spent years being this person to each other. But, she thought they were learning to be different people, in life and with each other. People that were honest and didn’t lash out when they were hurt. At least, that’s what Quinn wanted them to be for each other.
She didn’t hide the exhaustion in her reply. “I’m not trying to be perfect, S. Maybe I just want to be happy.”
And then she hung up.
She had a date with James to get ready for and she didn’t have time for the emotional rollercoaster that was Santana Lopez. She was trying to be happy with people that wanted to be happy with her.
So she tried for a couple more dates with James. They went to coffee shops and plays. James even showed her a secret library on the Yale campus that Quinn absolutely loved. They talked about their families and Quinn learned that he had two older sisters and a single mom, and he understood when Quinn told him the highlights of her tumultuous relationship with her Mom and sister. Quinn didn’t mention Beth or her dad. She didn’t know that she would ever be ready to let him into that part of her story.
He was nice and rarely ever surprised her. Everything about him and their relationship was expected.
But he wasn’t challenging and he didn’t evoke the emotions in her that she wanted. Even the sex was mediocre and Quinn spent half the time trying to not think about the last person who had her hands on her. Quinn ended things with him after 6 dates. She didn’t mention the mediocre sex or the brunette that was on her mind as the reason why.
This time, it was Quinn that apologized. Santana didn’t ask about James or why Quinn ended things. A part of Quinn desperately hoped she would, opening the door to the confession Quinn was getting closer to every day.
The months flew by filled with phone calls and late-night chats and complaining endlessly about roommates and impossible professors. They didn’t talk about their dates anymore. It was safer, for whatever reason.
And soon enough it was summer.
Quinn was staying on campus to TA a summer class and do research with her Shakespeare professor. Santana was back working at the restaurant with Rachel and Kurt, trying to make some extra money and take classes over the summer at NYU.
Somehow their schedules were busier now than they were during the actual semester so the facetiming and phone calls were less, but they still texted when they could.
In July it was Santana that broke their unspoken rule.
“I have a date.”
The words felt like a dagger to Quinn’s chest and she did her best to hide the sharp inhale over the phone. Quinn did her best to act happy for her friend. She was silently thrilled they weren’t on Facetime where Santana could see Quinn’s smile dim at the news.
“Oh yeah? Tell me about her.” It sounded normal to Quinn’s ears. She knew that Santana knew her well enough to see through the fake sound of her voice.
Santana paused, as if she wanted to say something else or call Quinn out, but couldn’t bring herself to. “Her name is Dani. She plays guitar and works at the diner with Rachel and I. She’s nice.”
“You like her?”
Santana was never one to talk about her feelings. “Of course I do, otherwise I wouldn’t have asked her out.”
For whatever reason, it stung more to know that Santana had been the one to ask her out. Quinn was hurt and trying not to lash out. She didn’t want to respond the way Santana did about James. They were being better for each other. But the rawness of her emotions made her bold. “Is it predictable?”
If it was anyone else, they might have asked Quinn to explain what she meant. Why she was asking such an odd question about a first date. But Santana understood what she meant, just like she always did, and more importantly, she understood what Quinn wasn’t saying with her question.
“I don’t know Q. It’s a first date. She’s hot and she can actually say out loud that she likes me. Sometimes, predictable isn’t a bad thing.”
Santana went on her date. And then there were more dates. And then Quinn could hear her in the background when she called Rachel or when she actually got Santana to answer her damn phone.
So Quinn decided to call James. If Santana could make it work with predictable, then why couldn’t Quinn do the same?
James took her on a second first date and said all the right things about how he was glad that she called and how pretty she looked. The date was nice, just like the first round of dates they went on. The sex was still mediocre, but Quinn liked him enough so she kept going on dates with him.
She refused to admit to herself that she knew exactly what was missing and how these dates felt more like retaliation.
Classes started again. Quinn continued her research with her Shakespeare professor. Her and James had gone on who knows how many dates now. And Santana was still dating Dani. They were still dancing around anything that might bring up the wedding or the things they weren’t saying.
They started talking like they once had. Occasional calls and polite questions. But the walls were up and there was no more late-night conversations, or talks of hopes and dreams.
Santana was becoming a fling that Quinn didn’t talk about, but never really stopped thinking about.
Every time she had had sex with James, she was comparing it to that night.
Every time James asked her what she was thinking, she had to push herself to open up to him rather than watch the walls crumble down like they had with Santana.
Every time he asked about high school, she avoided mentioning Santana.
And every time she thought about Santana, she wondered if the other girl was doing the same when she was with Dani.
It was driving Quinn absolutely insane.
She spent the first half of her semester daydreaming about Santana Lopez and ignoring texts from James.
James who had asked her to be his girlfriend. James who had a sweet smile and who called his mom once a week and sent his sisters birthday gifts in the mail. James who was perfect on paper.
James who…who wasn’t what? Quinn spent so long trying to figure out what was wrong with him, and why she couldn’t love him like she was supposed to, that she figured it must be her. She didn’t deserve her happy ending after all the pain she had caused in high school.
So she accepted the mediocre and the predictable and stopped looking for things to feel unexpected. Because unexpected had only ever gotten her into trouble.
Quinn stopped going home for the holidays after her first break freshman year. She had outgrown Lima, Ohio, and didn’t need to remember what it felt like to be stuck in that town.
Instead, this year, James asked her if she wanted to come to San Diego with him.
High school Quinn would have said yes and taken advantage of the sweet boy’s offer. But this Quinn, who had a fully written manuscript and friends she didn’t feel like she needed to blackmail to keep her spot at the top of the food chain, said no and spent the holidays watching cheesy Hallmark movies by herself.
This Quinn, would rather spend her break openly missing her best friend and trying to figure out what the hell she was searching for in life.
She didn’t find the answers she wanted.
After the holidays, Quinn broke up with James again. She figured if she was still searching for what she wanted, the answer probably didn’t involve him.
She didn’t call Santana to tell her. But they did talk about the cheesy Christmas movies on Netflix and how glad they were not to be in Ohio. The conversation was so surface level that it left Quinn feeling more lonely than she felt before the call.
Quinn went to a New Years party with her roommates and left her phone at home. Whatever amount of alcohol she was planning on drinking tonight wasn’t going to mix well with her constant state of “what is wrong with my life” and she didn’t want to have her phone around for that.
Quinn’s New Year was fine. Predictable, like everything else in her life. People around her got drunk and kissed the person nearest to them. When the ball dropped and the clock struck midnight, people yelled “Happy New Year” and toasted with their glasses of champagne. In the moment, Quinn was happy to be surrounded by friends. After everything she’d been through in life, it just felt nice to be in a room of people who didn’t hate her or want to be her or have some long history with her or her family. But something felt like it was missing and Quinn was tired of pretending like it wasn’t Santana. She wanted Santana standing next to her right now and she wanted to be kissing her at midnight.
The next morning, Quinn had a backpack full of stuff and was on the earliest train from New Haven to Manhattan. It wasn’t even 10 am when Quinn was standing outside of Santana, Rachel, and Kurt’s apartment. For a moment, with her arm half way up to the door, she hesitated to knock. It was early, and New Year's Day nonetheless. What if Santana wasn’t even home? Oh no, what if Dani was in there with Santana?
Quinn did not think this through fully. She put her arm down and was getting ready to turn around when the door in front of her opened. It was Rachel, because of course it was. Quinn should’ve known the diva would be up for her morning run even when it was 15 degrees and the entire city was hungover.
“Quinn? What are you doing here?” Her eyebrows were furrowed and she was clearly confused, but in typical Rachel fashion, she had a big smile on her face and somehow didn’t make Quinn feel insane for standing outside their door. Quinn didn’t answer right away and after a moment of silence, Rachel somehow seemingly put the pieces together.
Her face softened. “Santana is still asleep, but I’m sure she’d be more than happy to be woken up by you.” Rachel held the door open behind her, encouraging Quinn to come inside. Quinn still hesitated. The nerves that were at bay for the last 4 hours hit her all at once and Quinn wanted nothing more than to sprint away, get back on the train, and beg Rachel to pretend she was never here.
And Quinn clearly never gave Rachel the credit she deserved for her ability to read people, because she continued “She’s missed you, Quinn. And she is in there alone, just so you know.”
The words did the trick and Quinn walked through the door, letting Rachel head out on her run. She had been in their apartment only a few times, but it was enough to know which room was Santana’s. The door was shut, but thankfully not locked, and Quinn slowly opened it.
There was something about Santana lying there, with a peaceful look on her face and not a hint of makeup from the night before that made Quinn’s heart swell.
Quinn sat on the bed next to Santana, as gently as she could to scare the girl, and lightly shook her shoulder. “Santana,” she whispered.
Santana's eyes opened slowly, probably expecting Rachel or Kurt, or anyone besides Quinn to be sitting here. Her eyes were filled with sleep at first, but at the sight of the blonde sitting next to her, she was sitting up wide awake.
“Q?” The nickname slid off Santana’s tongue so easily. She hadn’t used it in months, not since James and Dani came into the picture and the ease of their friendship was erased.
The question felt like 10 months of unsaid words. She didn’t know if it was the nickname, or the rush of feelings seeing Santana for the first time in months, or the softness of Santana first thing in the morning. Maybe it was a combination of all three. But Quinn knew she couldn't go another second without admitting what was on her mind.
Santana, clearly confused or nervous about Quinn’s presence and her Quinn’s silence while she took in Santana and mustered up the courage to say the words out loud that she’d been repeating in her head since last night, caused Santana to sit up straighter and ask, “What’s wrong?”
Quinn, feeling bold in the moment and like she had nothing to lose, replied “It’s you Santana, you’re what’s wrong.” Quinn didn’t pause, she didn't want to let Santana tell her to stop again. She reached out to grab Santana’s hand. “You’re happy with Dani and you’ve made it clear you don’t want to hear what I have to say but it’s you and it’s been you for months. That night at the wedding broke something in me because all I can think about is how right it felt to be with you. I’ve admitted things to you in the past few months that I never thought I’d be able to say out loud. The walls I spent four years building tumbled down in an instant and no matter what I do I can’t put them back up. I don’t even want to. Everything I do, I want to tell you about it. And all I can think about is how I want you here next to me to make even the most mundane things better. I’m so tired of pretending that I am not desperately in love with you and it’s killing me.”
Quinn was trying to hide the blush that was growing from her neck to her ears, but she didn’t dare break eye contact. Santana’s face stayed frustratingly stoic, and nobody spoke for what felt like hours. Quinn was never one for talking just to fill the silence, but she’d never felt silence quite like this before.
When she finally broke the silence, she said. “Dani and I broke up weeks ago.”
Quinn wanted to laugh, because of all the things Santana could say, Quinn truly did not expect that. But Santana never was someone she could expect.
In spite of the seriousness of the moment, Quinn smiled. “And while I’m glad to hear that, it feels like that was not the most important part of my little speech.”
A woman of action more than words, Santana leaned forward and kissed Quinn. It was softer than Quinn remembered from the wedding, but deeper and filled with emotions Quinn had never felt before. She didn’t want to break away, but Quinn needed more than a kiss right now.
She put her hands on Santana’s chest and gently pushed back. “Santana, I…”
Santana cut her off and pressed her forehead against Quinn’s.
“I love you too, Q. And even if it took you showing up in my bedroom way too fucking early, I’m glad you said it.” Santana leaned back in, smothering Quinn’s chuckle at the way only Santana could respond to someone saying they loved them, and kissed Quinn more desperately this time.
Quinn kissed her back, trying to pour a year of pining and uncertainty and everything she didn’t know how to say in the moment into the kiss. Quinn knew the kissing had to end eventually and they would have to talk and figure things out. Quinn had to go back to New Haven and they were only sophomores in college. But Quinn was more than happy to tackle the unexpected future with Santana by her side.