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Normally, Jin Ling was a reasonably well-behaved young man.
He might have been a bit loud, and he might have taken after his xiao-jiu’s proclivity to roll his eyes all the time, but he came from the sort of old money family that placed a great deal of emphasis on manners, and so he knew how to properly behave in public. Even at fourteen years old, he considered himself a representative of the illustrious and ancient Jin family, and therefore acted accordingly. He didn’t yell or complain (much), and never got into physical fights. In school, he was often targeted by bullies, but he never sunk down to their level, and always brushed them off with a haughty air and a cold sneer that betrayed none of how upset he actually was. Yes, he did snap back at them a lot, but his insults were always much more clever than theirs (in his opinion), so it didn’t count.
Okay, so, maybe Jin Ling got into verbal spars every once and a while. And maybe once–just once!–the situation had gotten heated enough that he’d been forced to write lines. But he never involved himself in physical fights! He was far too refined for that!
After all, there were only two things that could ever provoke him to violence, and those were insults to his mother, and insults to his dog. And surely, no one was stupid enough to insult either of those two things that Jin Ling held so near and dear to his heart?
Unfortunately for Jin Ling, Lan Jingyi was, in fact, stupid enough.
“Lingling,” he said one day at lunch, “Do you want to see a picture of my new puppy?”
Jin Ling scowled at the other boy. “Don’t call me that,” he snapped. “And you don’t have a puppy.”
“I do now!” Jingyi insisted, and shoved his phone in Jin Ling’s face. On the screen was a picture of an adorable shih tzu puppy. “I begged and begged, and Mama finally let me get one, as long as I promised to take care of it myself! Isn’t he cute?”
“He is pretty cute,” Jin Ling admitted, because he loved dogs and wasn’t going to call one ugly, even if it did happen to be Jingyi’s.
“I didn’t know you got a dog, Jingyi!” Lan Sizhui exclaimed. “Let me see!” He and Ouyang Zizhen leaned across the lunch table to see the picture on Jin Ling’s phone.
“So cute!” Zizhen squealed. “What’s his name?”
“Bulldozer,” Jingyi announced, pride in his eyes.
“Bulldozer?” Jin Ling repeated, incredulous. “That tiny little thing? What the fuck?”
“Hey!” Jingyi snapped back. “It’s a perfectly ferocious, respectable name! It’s certainly better than Fairy.”
“What’s wrong with Fairy?” Jin Ling demanded, his hands balling into fists under the table.
Jingyi made a face. “It sounds like, uh…”
“My baba once said that naming the dog Fairy makes her sound like a porn star,” Sizhui finished, a flush on his face. Jingyi nodded furiously in agreement.
Jin Ling rolled his eyes. “Your baba named his rabbits Sriracha, Paprika, and Chili Oil,” he pointed out. “He’s not allowed to say anything about dumb pet names.”
“I think Fairy and Bulldozer are both very nice names!” Zizhen cut in.
“Hell yeah!” Jingyi said with a smirk. “Bulldozer is the best name! And Bulldozer is the most ferocious dog!”
Once again, Jin Ling rolled his eyes. “He’s a shih tzu,” he reminded him. “He’s a pathetic baby. Fairy, on the other hand, is a big strong husky. My dog could totally beat your dog in a fight.”
“Oh, really?” Jingyi demanded, his eyes narrowing. “Wanna bet? My Bulldozer would win because he’s a hundred times smarter than your Fairy!”
“You take that back!” Jin Ling snapped. “Fairy is the smartest dog ever! She’s a canine genius!”
“So’s Bulldozer!” Jingyi fired in response. “And he’s the cutest, too!”
“No! Fairy’s the cutest!”
“Eh.” Jingyi made a face. “She’s mediocre at best.”
“Shut up!” Jin Ling howled, and seized the nearest piece of food from his lunch box, which happened to be a hard-boiled egg. He launched it at Jingyi while yelling, “Don’t insult my dog!”
The egg hit Jingyi on the forehead. “Dude, what the fuck?” he shrieked as bits of shell and egg whites splattered across his skin.
“Guys, please don’t fight,” Sizhui begged. Zizhen nodded furiously, then hid his face behind the romance book he was reading.
Jin Ling ignored the other boy. Jingyi had dared to insult his beloved Fairy–multiple times!–and for that, he would pay.
“I’ll break your legs,” he snarled at Jingyi, doing his best to imitate his xiao-jiu, who happened to be one of the most terrifying people he knew. He rolled up his sleeves and launched towards Jingyi.
“A-Ling! A-Yi! No!” Sizhui shrieked.
But it was already too late.
●●●
Su She had been the principal of Jianghu Junior Secondary School for just over a year, and in that short period of time, he had become entirely disillusioned. Teaching primary school kids music, which had been his previous job, had been one thing; being the principal of a school full of rowdy, borderline feral teenagers was something else entirely, and it frequently made him want to fake his death and flee the country.
It was only Wednesday, and in just that week alone, he’d had to deal with a boy who had started a small fire in the cafeteria microwave, followed by another boy setting his lab station on fire in chemistry class. The day after, he had been sent a girl who had bitten someone during a game of dodgeball in phys ed class, then that same girl’s fathers and older brother had shown up, and the brother had threatened to blow up the school if Su She didn’t give him some candy (Su She did not have any candy. He’d had no choice but to call the police).
Perhaps this should have taught Su She that there were better ways to deal with troublemakers than by calling their families in, but when it came to the two boys who had gotten into a fistfight in the cafeteria, calling their guardians seemed like the best idea.
He sat at his desk, staring at the sticky note with two names that his secretary had passed to him before fleeing to the break room. The first boy of the two, Su She had dealt with before. He was a Lan, and since Su She knew that the Lan family was strict and old-fashioned and generally shitty, calling in his parents seemed like ample punishment.
As for the second boy, he was a Jin, and the Jins were the sort of wealthy assholes who would want to be informed the second one of their offspring was involved in anything that could land them in the tabloids.
So, in this case, calling the students’ parents seemed like the best possible solution. Surely, nothing would go wrong.
Su She stood up from his desk and made his way into the main office, where the two troublemakers sat. As he reached them, both of them stared at him with defiant expressions. The Lan boy, Jingyi, crossed his arms over his rumpled shirt and stuck out his tongue. The Jin boy–though Su She had never met him before, he could tell he was a Jin because he had replaced all the standard black buttons of his uniform with gaudy gold ones–pouted. He clutched an ice pack to his head, though Su She could see no visible injury. In fact, though both boys were rather disheveled, neither of them seemed to be truly injured. Nor did the unfamiliar boy who sat between them, smiling cheerfully up at Su She. This boy had a perfectly ironed uniform and combed hair, and Su She had no idea what he was doing there. Hadn’t only two students been involved in the fight?
“Who are you?” he asked the third boy, instead of launching into the lecture he had planned.
“Lan Sizhui,” the boy said, and rose to his feet and bowed. “Class 3-A. A-Ling and A-Yi are my cousins. I received permission from Wen-laoshi to accompany them here in order to keep them from fighting again.”
What? So the two troublemakers were cousins? Su She hated these shitty rich people and their shitty convoluted family trees.
“We won’t fight again, as long as Jingyi doesn’t insult Fairy again,” Jin Ling grumbled.
“A-Ling, calm down.” Lan Sizhui sat back down and patted his cousin on the shoulder.
Su She raised his eyebrows. Who was Fairy? He was pretty sure he’d remember a student with such a unique name…
“Why don’t you explain what happened, Lan-xuesheng, Jin-xuesheng?” he said. “Your fight resulted in the destruction of one of the display cases in the cafeteria. How did that happen?”
What resulted was a very convoluted story about the two boys coming to blows over the names of the dogs, the telling of which nearly had them start another fight in the middle of the office, which was stopped only due to Lan Sizhui’s intervention. In the end, Su She learned that 1) both boys were very possessive of their pets, and 2) that the display case had been broken when Jin Ling had thrown a romance book at Lan Jingyi and had missed his head entirely. The romance book was another student’s, Jin Ling quickly assured everyone, because he didn’t read, “Garbage like that.” Also, Fairy was a dog.
Once the boys were done telling their story, Su She crossed his arms and glared down at the boys as sternly as possible. “Thank you for that explanation,” he said. “Perhaps you will enjoy relaying it to your parents as well?”
Both boys went white.
“Don’t call my mother!” they both shrieked in unison.
Su She ignored them, and did exactly that.
Well, he tried to. Lan-taitai picked up on the first ring, and promised to be there in fifteen minutes. Jin-taitai, on the other hand, went straight to voicemail, and when he tried to call Jin Ling’s father instead, his secretary informed him that he was in a meeting and wouldn’t be out for hours.
Sighing, he returned to the main office.
“Jin-xuesheng,” he said. “I was unable to reach your parents. Is there another relative I could call?”
Jin Ling’s face went pale.
●●●
“Uhh…” Jin Ling’s mind whirled. While he was glad his mother wasn’t coming, because she could be scary when she wanted to be, his extended family wasn’t much better. Neither of his grandfathers would pick up if they were called, while, conversely, his grandmothers would be there in five minutes, possibly armed.
“Do I have to be actually related to them?” he asked. After all, he could always call his honorary gugu, Luo Qingyang, because she was super cool.
“Yes,” Su-laoshi said, dashing his hopes and dreams to the ground.
Damnit. If Gugu was out, that left…well, his actual aunt, Qin Su, didn’t live in the city, so he couldn’t call her, even though she was pretty chill. And since Nie Mingjue and Nie Huaisang were only his honorary shushu, that also eliminated them, though he wouldn’t have called them anyway.
So that only left the uncles he was biologically and legally related to. And Jin Ling was not happy about it.
Quickly, he went through his mental list of uncles. Immediately, he eliminated his xiao-jiu, because even though he was Jin Ling’s favorite uncle, he was also the scariest. For the same reason, he wasn’t going to call his jiuzhang. Lan Wangji was much less of a yeller than Jiang Cheng, but while Xiao-jiu could kill with a word, Jiuzhang could do the same with a single glare.
Da-jiu and Xiao-shu were also out. Wei Wuxian was batshit insane, and Mo Xuanyu wasn’t much better. Jin Zixun was also eliminated; Jin Ling hated that guy, and didn’t even try to be nice to him at family dinners. After all, he was always an asshole to Er-shu!
Er-shu…Jin Ling’s mind whirled. Meng Yao was the sort of person who would probably try to blackmail Su-laoshi into forgetting the whole incident, but he and Shuzhang were still Jin Ling’s best bets. Both were polite, calm, and likely to buy him ice cream when it was all over.
Confident with his decision, Jin Ling wrote down two phone numbers on a scrap of paper and handed it over to Su-laoshi. “Call one of them,” he ordered.
Su-laoshi took the paper and disappeared back into his office.
●●●
Lan Xichen had made Meng Yao take the day off of work so he could relax, so they were both at home when Meng Yao received a call from the principal of A-Ling’s school.
“Are you sure he did anything wrong, laoshi?” Meng Yao said sweetly into the phone. “That doesn’t sound like my A-Ling.” It did, in fact, sound like something A-Ling would do, but Meng Yao occasionally enjoyed indulging in some light recreational gaslighting.
“What did A-Ling do?” Xichen asked, eyes wide.
“Yeah, what did A-Ling do?” echoed Nie Huaisang over the phone in Xichen’s hand. Just seconds before, he had been sobbing about how he was being canceled on Weibo, but now, his voice was perfectly clear and bright.
“Got into a fight at school,” Meng Yao explained.
Nie Huaisang began to cackle madly.
“We’ll be over promptly,” Meng Yao said into the phone. “Jianghu Junior Secondary School, correct?”
“Correct.”
“See you soon, laoshi.” Meng Yao hung up.
“Come on,” he called to Xichen. He would have been more disappointed about his private time with his husband being disrupted, if not for the fact that Nie Huaisang had already interrupted it with his whining.
Besides, he’d do anything for his nephew.
●●●
Five minutes after Lin Jingyi’s mother appeared, eyes full of fury, Jin Ling’s uncles arrived as well.
They both seemed like very polite, normal men. The shorter, dimpled one, who introduced himself as Meng Yao, greeted Su She with both a handshake and a bow, and the taller one had the same calm aura and bright smile as Lan Sizhui, which made sense, since his name was Lan Xichen and Lan Sizhui greeted him with an enthusiastic, “Bobo!”
What the hell is this family tree? Su She wondered.
“What happened, A-Ling?” Meng Yao asked softly, large black eyes on his nephew. “I heard you got into a fight.”
“Jingyi started it, Er-shu!” Jin Ling shrieked. “He insulted Fairy!”
“Shut up!” Lan Jingyi bellowed back. His mother gave him a stern look, and he clamped his mouth shut.
“A-Ling,” Meng Yao said softly, “I understand that Fairy is very dear to you, but responding in anger is never the best way. If you want to seek revenge on someone successfully, subterfuge and patience are of the utmost necessity.”
Su She began to re-evaluate his opinion of Meng Yao as normal. He was right, but it was just a weird thing to say to a kid.
“Or maybe just don’t seek revenge at all?” Lan Xichen suggested nervously. Boring, Su She thought.
“I don’t seek revenge! I’m not a delinquent!” Jin Ling snapped.
“You better not be,” said a stern voice.
Su She turned, and saw that the door to the office had opened, and a hulking, mustached man in a muscle tank was stepping through. His eyes were narrowed, and he was scowling at Jin Ling.
“Da-ge?” Lan Xichen asked. “What are you doing here?”
The WWE star-looking man–who was definitely not Lan Xichen’s brother, what the hell?–held out an ancient flip phone, revealing a text message on the screen. “Huaisang told me to come here because Jin Ling needed a talking-to,” he explained.
Da-ge…a talking-too…holy shit, is this guy a mob boss?! Su She prayed that he wouldn’t have to call the police again.
“No!” Jin Ling yelped, the panic in his voice further feeding Su She’s fears. “I don’t need a talking to!No, no, no!”
“Excuse me, sir,” Su She said, stepping between his hysterical student and this hulking beefcake of a man. “Who are you?”
“Nie Mingjue,” the man grunted, and passed him a business card. “Owner of Qinghe Fitness. I’m Jin Ling’s honorary shushu.” He engulfed Su She’s hand in a tight handshake.
Su She yanked his hand away and clutched it to his chest, wincing. He was sure all of the bones in his hand had been turned to dust, though Nie Mingjue didn’t seem to notice. Instead, he had turned back to Jin Ling. “Apologize to the principal here, okay?” he ordered. “I’m sure you’ve caused a lot of trouble for him, young man.”
“It’s not my fault!” Jin Ling howled while Lan Jingyi cackled in the background, ignoring the fierce looks his mother was sending him. “You can’t make me do anything!”
“Uh, Nie Mingjue,” Su She said, “I appreciate you coming, but you aren’t really needed. This affair can be solved quickly with just Meng-xiansheng and Lan-xiangsheng…”
Nie Mingjue scowled and glared at the two other men. “Really?” he challenged. “Trust me, you think that you’ve called these two here to help punish the boy, but after a few words from Meng Yao here, you’ll find yourself bending over backwards to excuse him. Jin Ling needs someone here to make sure that he’s disciplined appropriately.”
“No I don’t!” shrieked the boy.
Meng Yao stared at Nie Mingjue with an expression of utter heartbreak on his face. “Da-ge, you present me in such a cruel light. I just want the best for A-Ling…”
“You’re a snake,” Nie Mingjue snarled.
“A-Yao, da-ge, please don’t fight,” Lan Xichen begged.
“I’m going to have to agree with Lan-xiansheng,” Su She cut in. The Lan family was obnoxious and stuck-up and it made his soul shrivel a little to agree with one, but Nie Mingjue was beginning to get on his nerves. “If you could please leave…”
“Da-ge!”
Su She jumped as the door to the office burst open once more. In rushed a twink clad in a green peacoat, an elaborately painted fan clutched in his hand. Tears were streaming down his face, and he threw himself into Nie Mingjue’s arms.
“Da-ge!” he wailed. “A mean cop tried to pull me over on the way here! I wasn’t even speeding that much!” He sniffed loudly. “This is cruel and unusual punishment!”
For a long moment, Nie Mingjue stared at the other man as if he was a slug he had found in his shoe, before gently pushing him out of his arms. “What are you doing here?” he demanded. “What can you provide Jin Ling with? You spent your teenage years hiding in the school greenhouse, reading erotica!”
The twink fell to the floor as if Nie Mingjue had shoved him. “Da-ge!” he wailed. “Why are you so mean?” He dabbed at his eyes with a lace handkerchief. “I just wanted to be a good shushu to poor Ling-er! Be nicer to your didi!”
Nearby, Lan Jingyi began to giggle. Meanwhile, Jin Ling looked as horrified as Su She felt.
“Who are you?” he finally choked out.
Immediately, the twink’s tears dried up, and he jumped to his feet. “Nie Huaisang!” he exclaimed, voice bright and cheery. He twisted his fan into a dramatic flourish. “You may have seen me on Youku,” he continued. “I’m pretty famous there! I post about celebrity gossip, fashion, art, and birdwatching! My channel is called Just Huaisang Things. Like and subscribe! Oh, I’m also sort of Lingling’s shushu.” He fanned himself again.
“Just Huaisang Things! Like and subscribe!” squawked a voice from the inside of Nie Huaisang’s peacoat.
Then, to Su She’s absolute horror, Nie Huaisang reached inside the folds of his coat and withdrew, of all things, a fucking parrot.
Lan Jingyi began to laugh hysterically, until a glare from his mother made him shut up. Nie Mingjue’s face turned bright red, and violet veins began to pulse beneath his skin. Jin Ling buried his face in his hands.
And as for Su She? He was considering purchasing a one-way ticket to Japan that very night.
“Huaisang,” Nie Mingjue growled. “What the fuck is that?”
“Oh, it’s just Champagne,” Nie Huaisang explained as he stroked the parrot’s flamboyant plumes. “He gets lonely if I leave him at home, so I decided to bring him along.”
“That’s a fu–that’s a bird,” Su She choked out. Birds weren’t allowed in school!
Nie Huaisang nodded eagerly. “A galah cockatoo, to be precise,” he explained.
“Can’t you put it on a leash?” Su She asked, his eyes trained on the bird as it flew off Nie Huaisang’s arm and began to circle around his head. “Animals aren’t allowed in the school…”
“Huaisang, take your bird and go,” Nie Mingjue snapped.
Nie Huaisang stuck out his wobbling bottom lip, as if he was about to start crying again.
However, his oncoming tantrum was interrupted when the office door burst open once again, to Su She’s immense horror.
“My little radish!” squealed the man who rushed through, moving in a blur of red and black. He dashed towards Lan Sizhui and pulled the boy into a hug. “They didn’t say that you got in trouble as well!” he exclaimed. “I’m so proud of you!” he continued. “Look at you, my little rebel! You’re going to give your shugong an aneurysm within the year at this rate! Good job!”
“Mgn,” Lan Sizhui said through the hug. “I didn’t get in trouble,” he explained as he squirmed out of the man’s grip. “I’m just here for A-Yi and A-Ling. Why are you here, Baba, Fuqin?”
Now that the man in red and black had stopped moving, Su She could make out his features. He had a bright grin and a scraggly ponytail secured with a red scrunchie, and wore a leather jacket, ripped black jeans, and a t-shirt emblazoned with the word SPICY!!!. Right behind him was a second man, who looked absolutely identical to Lan Xichen, except that his hair was styled differently and his expression was completely blank.
“Mn,” the second man said, and patted the top of Lan Sizhui’s head.
“We’re here to join the party, of course!” the first man explained, and turned to Jin Ling with a blinding smile on his face and a crazed look in his eyes. “It’s not every day that your nephew gets sent to the principal’s office for the first time! Huaisang called me to tell me what was happening, and we just had to come and see!” With that, he pulled a confetti cannon out of nowhere, and popped it in Jin Ling’s face. Sparkly rainbow confetti floated around Jin Ling, who scowled furiously.
“Go away,” he told the man.
The man clutched at his heart. “A-Ling! I’m wounded!” he wailed. “This is such a momentous occasion! Why, I will always remember the first time I was sent to the principal’s office! I was a tender seven-year-old, and I had ruined the annual science fair by rigging all the projects with extra baking soda and vinegar! It was just the first step in my long and illustrious criminal career! Because I’m such a bad boy! Right, Lan Zhan?”
“Mn,” the other unnamed man replied.
“Excuse me,” Su She cut in. “You are…also Jin Ling’s uncle?” How many uncles did this kid have?
“Yup!” The crazed man winked at him. “I’m Wei Wuxian! A-Ling’s mother is my jiejie! I’m also Sizhui’s baba!” He pointed to the stoic man behind him. “That’s Lan Zhan, but you can call him Lan Wangji! He’s my husband, and Sizhui’s other father, and A-Ling’s jiuzhang!”
“Mn,” confirmed Lan Wangji.
“Huaisang,” Nie Mingjue growled. “Just how many people did you tell to come here?”
Nie Huaisang hid his face behind his fan. “I don’t know,” he sniffed.
“Huaisang, I fucking swear–!”
“JIN LING!”
The door to the office slammed open. It flew wide, hard and fast enough that when the handle hit the wall, a dent was left in the drywall.
Su She winced.
The man who entered the room wasn’t as tall or muscular as Nie Mingjue, or even the Lan brothers. He didn’t possess the same calculating expression as Meng Yao, or the same crazed eyes as Wei Wuxian, and he wore more purple than what most people would consider properly masculine. But nonetheless, there was something about him that made Su She’s blood run cold.
“Xiao-jiu!” Jin Ling shrieked. He looked terrified.
“Chengcheng!” Nie Huaisang wailed, and threw himself on the purple-clad man, seemingly oblivious to the danger that emulated off of him. “Protect me from da-ge, Chengcheng!”
“Chengcheng!” echoed Champagne, who was sitting on Nie Huaisang’s head.
“Who’re you calling Chengcheng?” the man snarled, and pushed Nie Huaisang off. He marched towards Jin Ling, who sat there frozen, like a rabbit cornered by a wolf. “JIN LING!” he bellowed again. “ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?”
“Hi, Xiao-jiu,” Jin Ling said. “I can explain! Jingyi insulted Fairy! You’re a lawyer! Isn’t that a crime? What if someone insulted Flower or Jewel? Wouldn’t you want to beat them up?”
“That idiot,” the man snarled as he pointed at Wei Wuxian, “Insults them all the time! And I don’t fight him about it! I’ve just accepted that he’s an idiot!”
“I’m not an idiot, A-Cheng!” Wei Wuxian insisted. “Flower really does look like a bath mat on legs! You’re the one who’s too stupid to see it!”
“Is that another uncle?” Su She asked Lan Wangji.
“Mn.”
“Yup! That’s my didi, Jiang Cheng!” Wei Wuxian echoed. “And yeah, we don’t look alike, because I’m adopted, which is why I’m so much more hot and sexy than him. Right, Lan Zhan?”
“Mn.”
“I’m gonna break your legs!” Jiang Cheng yelled at Jin Ling, who stuck his tongue out at him.
“Should I call security?” Su She asked. He couldn’t tell whether or not Jiang Cheng was being serious.
Wei Wuxian laughed. “Nope! He’d never actually hurt A-Ling. That’s just how A-Cheng shows love!”
“Um…”
“Don’t worry,” Wei Wuxian promised. “I know jiejie is planning on making him go to anger management classes sometime soon.”
Jiang Cheng’s yelling lasted for ten minutes. During that time, Champagne flew off of Nie Huaisang’s head and began to shred a nearby stack of papers with his beak and claws. Su She could do nothing but watch in frozen horror, unable to believe what he was seeing. It was as if he was suspended in a nightmare. No–it was as if all of Jin Ling’s uncles were his sleep paralysis monsters.
Eventually, Champagne flew back onto Nie Huaisang’s head and began to nibble at the lacey collar of his coat. At that point, Jiang Cheng finally had to stop yelling to catch his breath, and Lan Xichen cut in by saying, “Now, if we’re all here, why don’t we sit down and finally have a proper conversation?” He clasped his hands in front of him and smiled angelically.
Jin Ling nodded furiously.
“Right,” Su She said, but was cut off by the door to the office opening once more.
“Uh, hi?” A tall yet meek-looking man stuck his head through the door. “I g-got a text message s-saying that s-since I’m an ‘honorary s-shushu,’ I s-should c-come here? I ran into two other m-men in the hallway as w-well.” The door opened wider, revealing a shorter but equally meek-looking man, who was wearing a shirt with a pentagram on the front and clutching a pack of tarot cards. Behind him was a scowling man in a yellow polo shirt.
“My former babysitter is not an honorary shushu!” Jin Ling yelped.
“Why am I here?” demanded the man in the polo shirt. “My time is valuable.” He pushed past the two other men and collapsed onto one of the waiting room chairs, flashing his Rolex as he moved.
Meng Yao’s customer service smile started to fade, and he whirled on Nie Huaisang. “Why did you invite all of these people here?” he hissed. “Why did you invite him?”
Nie Huaisang fanned himself and looked around with wide eyes. “I don’t know!” he exclaimed with a shake of his head. “But don’t you think that Xiao-Ling deserves lots of good role models? Don’t be so mean to poor little Sangsang, san-ge!” He began to shake, and buried his face in Jiang Cheng’s chest once again. Once more, Jiang Cheng pushed him away.
“Hands to yourself,” he growled.
“I wouldn’t call any of these plebeians good role models,” drawled the polo shirt man.
“Shut up…oh, I’m sorry, I forgot your name!” said Wei Wuxian.
“Forgot your name!” Champagne squawked.
“Woah, is that a fucking bird?” Wei Wuxian asked, attention immediately diverted.
“I’m Jin Zixun!” snarled the man. “I’m second in line to be the CEO of JinCorp. Surely you’ve heard of me!”
“Why are you all even fucking here?” Jiang Cheng demanded. “I’m A-Ling’s best and favorite uncle, not to mention the only responsible one, so the rest of you can scram!”
“What?” Wei Wuxian gasped. “A-Cheng! Obviously I’m A-Ling’s favorite uncle! I’m the fun uncle! I’d let him eat nothing but hot sauce and stay up ‘till midnight if he wanted to! And Lan Zhan is responsible enough for everyone else here!”
“Mn,” Lan Zhan agreed.
Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes.
“I gave him Fairy,” Meng Yao pointed out. “And you know how much he loves that dog. She’s why we’re here, isn’t she?” His smile was tight-lipped, his eyes dark and narrowed. He seemed to be taking the conversation very seriously.
“A-Yao, da-ge, and I all work very hard to be the best possible uncles to A-Ling,” Lan Xichen said. “This shouldn't be a competition. However, I think A-Yao is the best uncle here.”
“A-Yao would sell Jin Ling’s soul for a promotion,” Nie Mingjue snapped.
“And I’m a Youku influencer! Beat that!” Nie Huaisang fanned himself dramatically, prior tears forgotten. “I have ten thousand subscribers!”
“Ten thousand subscribers!” Champagne jeered.
“I have tarot cards,” the uncle (?) in the pentagram shirt announced. He held the deck towards Su She. “Would you like to see your fate?”
Su She shook his head furiously.
“This is beginning to feel like a family reunion,” Wei Wuxian said, and pulled a My Chemical Romance water bottle out of the interior pocket of his leather jacket. He took a long, deep sip of the liquid inside.
“Baba,” Lan Sizhui said sternly. “Is that alcohol?”
“Alcohol?” Su She echoed. What the fuck?
“You’re a child, you don’t know what alcohol is,” Wei Wuxian informed his son, then took another swig.
Lan Sizhui frowned, but made no further move to stop his father.
“Alcohol is not allowed on school property,” Su She announced. “I’m going to have to ask everyone except for Lan-taitai, Meng Yao, and Lan Xichen to leave.”
“Thank god! This is a waste of my time!” Jin Zixun announced, before marching out of the office.
No one else moved. “I’m not leaving!” announced Jiang Cheng as he crossed his arms. “I left the office for this. And as A-Ling’s jiujiu, I have the right to know what’s going on!”
“Yeah! So do the rest of us!” Wei Wuxian echoed.
“No you don’t!” Jin Ling yelped. “Go away!”
“Tut-tut, Lingling, is that how you speak to your elders?”
“So rude,” sighed Nie Huaisang.
“I’m g-going to leave,” muttered the babysitter. “It w-was nice to s-see you, A-Ling.”
“Bye, Wen-shushu,” grumbled the boy.
The babysitter slipped out of the room, but the man who had accompanied him–the one with the pentagram shirt–did not, and instead sat down on the floor.
“Seriously,” Su She snapped. He was getting a migraine from all this bullshit. Damn these rich people! “All of you need to leave.”
“A-Ling is entitled to legal representation,” Jiang Cheng snarled.
“He isn’t on trial, Jiang Cheng,” pointed out Meng Yao. He sighed. “If you really want to stay, though, Xichen and I would be happy to step out with everyone else…”
“Please, no!” Su She interrupted. Something terrifying lurked in Meng Yao’s dark eyes, but he still seemed more reasonable than Jiang Cheng and the rest of Jin Ling’s uncles.
“Fine.” Meng Yao sighed and glanced at Wei Wuxian. “Wuxian, you want to be a good shushu, right? A-Ling is in good hands here. So is A-Zhui. The primary school will be letting out soon. Would you and Wangji be willing to go and pick up A-Song for me? Maybe get him ice cream on the way home. He loves that place on Dafan Street.”
“Ooh, yes!” Wei Wuxian clapped his hands together. “Absolutely, Yao-ge! A-Song is such a cute kid. I’ll get him as much ice cream as he wants!”
“Don’t spoil his dinner!” Lan Xichen said.
“Wait! Da-jiu! I also want ice cream!” Jin Ling yelped as Wei Wuxian hugged him and left the room, Lan Wangji trailing behind him.
“Mama, I want ice cream, too!” Lan Jingyi whined.
“No,” his mother replied.
Su She examined the remaining uncles. Aside from Meng Yao and his husband, only the Nie brothers, Jiang Cheng, and the tarot card guy were remaining.
“What’s your name?” Su She asked the tarot card guy, just in case he had to report the situation to the police again.
“Mo Xuanyu,” the man replied.
“My youngest brother,” Meng Yao explained. He smiled down at the man. “Xuanyu,” he said kindly, “Would you be willing to leave? We don’t want to take up any more of Su-laoshi’s time.”
“Okay,” Mo Xuanyu said, before picking up his tarot cards and exiting the room. Finally.
And then there were three.
“I’m not leaving,” snarled Jiang Cheng.
“I’m not either,” agreed Nie Mingjue.
“Ditto!” said Nie Huaisang. “It will be so fun to post about this on Weibo!”
“Ditto!” Champagne echoed.
“Don’t post about me on Weibo!” Jin Ling wailed.
“Oh, for the love of god,” snapped Lan-taitai. “If they won’t leave, just let them stay, Su-laoshi. Let’s just get this over with.”
“Fine,” Su She groaned. Then, he grabbed the unicorn plush that sat on his secretary’s empty desk and held it up. “Only the person who is holding the unicorn is allowed to speak,” he announced.
“That’s not fair!” Nie Huaisang pointed out. “Champagne doesn’t have hands to hold the unicorn, and he might have some really valuable insight!”
“That’s a fucking bird,” Nie Mingjue snarled. “It doesn’t have opinions.”
“Da-ge! Pets are people, too!”
Jin Ling and Lan Jingyi both nodded in agreement.
Su She gripped the unicorn so hard, the stuffing would have popped out had he been a stronger man. They’re already breaking the rules! Fuck it!
He’d heard that Okinawa was really nice this time of year…
●●●
In the end, Jin Ling’s punishment was to help the janitors clean the cafeteria after school for a week, while Jingyi was to help clean the gym.
Jin Ling wasn’t happy about his punishment, and thought that Er-shu should have put more effort into advocating for a lighter penalty, but he was even more angry that all of his uncles (plus Wen Ning) had shown up to torment him. He was never going to speak to any of his uncles again. Including Er-shu and Shuzhang.
He sat amidst his cousin Rusong’s Pokémon toys and discarded schoolwork in the backseat of Lan Xichen’s environmentally-friendly car, arms crossed and a scowl across his face as the vehicle exited the school parking lot. Su-laoshi had insisted that both he and Jingyi leave the school early that day, so his uncles were driving him home. It was practically a suspension. Su-laoshi was a real jerk. Maybe, Jin Ling reflected, he was bigoted against rich people. Why else would he force Jin Ling and Jingyi into menial labor?
“Are you okay back there, A-Ling?” Er-shu asked.
Jin Ling opened his mouth to reply, then remembered that he was angry at his er-shu, and snapped it back shut.
Er-shu sighed. “It seems that A-Ling is giving his dear shushu the silent treatment, hmm?” he said. “If A-Ling won’t reply, then Er-shu doesn’t know whether or not he wants ice cream, so he must assume that he does not.”
Jin Ling kept his lips firmly shut. He wasn’t going to fall for Meng Yao’s tricks.
“Didn’t a new ice cream place just open up on Guanyin Street, baobei?” Er-shu continued. Shuzhang nodded in confirmation, and Er-shu added, “I hear that they sell peach sorbet there. What a pity it is that A-Ling doesn’t seem to want ice cream. I know peach sorbet is his favorite.”
Jin Ling pressed his lips together. He wasn’t going to respond! He wasn’t!
“The shop has a very cute mascot,” Er-shu added. “It’s a white husky. His name is Snowflake. First-time customers get a free sticker of his face.”
Stickers were kind of girly, and Jin Ling was super manly and masculine and not feminine at all, but still, he wanted that sticker. And the peach sorbet.
“How many scoops of ice cream can I have?” he finally grumbled after a long moment of contemplation.
Er-shu beamed at him in the rearview mirror. “As many as you want, A-Ling.”
“And can I have a waffle cone?”
“Of course.”
“Fine,” Jin Ling grumbled. “I want ice cream.”
“Then A-Ling shall have it,” Er-shu replied.
It was only later, when Jin Ling was happily slurping his three scoops of peach sorbet in a waffle cone, topped with whipped cream, mini marshmallows, and gummy bears, that he realized that he’d been manipulated.
“Don’t tell your xiao-jiu about this, okay?” Er-shu said, immediately inspiring Jin Ling to tell Xiao-jiu the next time he wouldn’t let him do something.
Jin Ling scowled over the top of his ice cream cone. “Are you trying to use me as a pawn to piss off Xiao-jiu?” he asked as realization dawned.
“If he’s so easily offended by me buying you ice cream, then that’s on him,” Er-shu replied, then took a sip of the vegan matcha smoothie he and Shuzhang were sharing.
Jin Ling stared at him for a moment, then looked back down at his ice cream.
“I hate this family,” he whined.
“Eat your sorbet, A-Ling,” Er-shu sighed.
Jin Ling grumbled to himself, but did as he was told. It was pretty good ice cream.