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As Rafael Barba walked into Forlini’s, like he’d done repeatedly over the last few weeks, he tried not to get his hopes up. Liv probably wasn’t there. Just as she hadn’t been there all the other times he’d come in. She’d been here all the time when they were working together, but almost always to meet him. He didn’t know if she still came here often, especially after the other night…
Even so, he couldn’t help but glance around the moment he entered. Her words I feel betrayed by you running through his head, as they had been since the moment she’d said them. He couldn’t stop them no matter how hard he tried, and to be honest he hadn’t tried very hard. Like an open wound he couldn’t stop himself from picking at, he kept coming back to those words. And they kept bringing him back here.
She was there. Sitting in one of the booths they’d frequented together. She hadn’t noticed him yet, frowning at her phone instead. He approached cautiously. Now, confronted with her actual presence, he felt the urge to flee. As much as he wanted to talk to her, to explain, to fix their relationship, he didn’t know how. What if he couldn’t? What if she wouldn’t even talk to him? If this was truly the end of their friendship, he wasn’t sure he wanted to know. Perhaps it was better to wonder than to know for sure. He steeled himself. He’d said goodbye to her once, if he had to he’d do it again. But he sure as hell wasn’t going to go down without a fight.
As he walked closer, he noticed the remnants of lunch for two on her table and glanced around again, but didn’t see any familiar faces or anyone moving in her direction. Either they were in the bathroom or they’d left. In case it was the former and he only had a few moments alone with her, he hastened his stride. She didn’t look up from her phone, even when he stopped right next to her booth. ‘Liv,’ he said.
Her head shot up and he instantly regretted using her nickname. Especially when she responded with ‘Barba.’ At least she sounded surprised, not angry.
‘Do you have a moment?’ He asked, before he could worry any further about what they called each other. After a moment of hesitation she gestured to the other side of the booth in silent invitation. He quickly sat down, glad she was at least willing to hear him out. ‘I want to apologize,’ he began in a rush, eager to get it out while he had the chance. But she held up her hand to stop him before he could get any further and his heart sank a little.
Luckily she responded with ‘I’m sorry too,’ and he could breathe again. ‘What I said the other night,’ she hesitated, clearly searching for words. ‘That wasn’t all on you. Seeing you on the other side of the courtroom, it hurt, because part of me still expects to see you on my – on our side. I know you had to move on, but,’ she took a deep breath and he could see the emotion in her eyes, ‘I still miss my partner. I miss you.’
Rafael wanted to close his eyes against the flood of feelings rushing through him, decades of self-discipline telling him to hide his emotions, but he resisted. He let her see how much her words meant to him.
‘I miss working with you too.’ He said, with every shred of sincerity in his body. ‘I don’t miss the job, not anymore, but I miss working with you.’ The way he looked at her, it was impossible to doubt his earnestness.
Olivia smiled painfully, caught between the comfort of knowing she wasn’t alone in her nostalgia, the ache of knowing it was truly over and a deep, bone-weary tiredness. Rafael desperately wanted to reach out to her, but something was still holding him back. ‘You said it wasn’t all on me, so something I did is bothering you. What is it?’
She didn’t immediately respond, just looked at him. He could see the hesitation and doubt in her face and he knew he’d been right to address it. Whatever was bothering her, it was big. And she wasn’t even sure if she trusted him enough to tell him, which stung.
‘Why did you really take the Wheatley case?’ She finally asked.
As much as he tried to suppress his hurt at her lack of trust, he still sounded defensive when he responded. ‘I told you-‘
She cut him off. ‘When you took the Davis case, I thought it was about you.’
‘Yes, I know, you told me.’ He interrupted again.
Again she ignored him. ‘But then, you take this case. Knowing that it’s about the murder of Elliot’s wife. Knowing that we were involved with the investigation, knowing that I was testifying.’ She stopped, her voice too choked to continue and that stopped him too. Stopped him from interjecting again. Instead he looked at her, with an intensity that was both intimidating and empowering. Whatever she said next, he was listening, really listening. ‘First you go up against Carisi, then me. Are you trying to distance yourself from us? To show everyone that you’ve moved on? To show me that you have?’
There were so many layers of hurt there, but he focussed on the most immediate one first. He knew she had abandonment issues, that she’d been left behind a few times too many. As always, his first instinct was to talk. ‘Liv, no. I did what I thought was right. I wanted to protect you. I might have gone about it the wrong way, but…’ he trailed off, still seeing that hesitation in her eyes. Again, it hurt. He’d told her that he wasn’t doing this to hurt her, but to protect her. He hadn’t abandoned her. Yes, he’d left but he’d kept in touch. He’d come back to New York. And she still didn’t trust him. It stung more the more he thought about it, but this time he tried to hide his pain behind what he knew best: arguing. ‘You once said you had complete faith in my humanity. What happened? Yes, I moved on from the DA’s office, but I’m still the same person. I’m still your friend. I’m still here, Liv. Why do you find it so hard to trust me now?’ Despite his best efforts, there were tears in his eyes as he finished. He put his heart and soul into every case he took, but that didn’t compare to this. This was personal.
Olivia looked at him for a long moment, just looked. He could see her thoughts racing behind her eyes, together with a lot of pain, but he didn’t know what she was thinking. If he was getting through to her. When she responded, her eyes had a far-off quality, and he wondered if she was even still talking about them, but he trusted her and he listened. ‘Elliot came back. After more than ten years. And it’s like he’s never left. We fell right back in our old partnership, investigating together, interviewing subjects together. Him keeping me at a distance, but always expecting to be the centre of my world. Drawing me into his life, his kids’ life, but not once asking about mine, about Noah. And I can’t help but wonder, was it always like that? Was I so blind? And then Burton…’ Olivia once again trailed off, unable to continue. Rafael could see she was on the verge of tears.
‘Liv,’ he murmured. Still unsure what she was asking, but devastated by the pain he was seeing. One of her hands was over her eyes and she was clearly fighting against the tears. He grabbed her other hand, wanting to comfort her, though hesitant to overstep. But she clung to his hand, fighting to regain control. ‘Liv,’ he repeated, when he saw her control return. ‘What are you really asking me?’
He waited for her to look at him again and when she did he smiled supportively, giving her hand a squeeze. ‘Was it real, Rafa? Our friendship, our partnership. Was it real, or did I imagine that too?’
Rafael’s breath froze as he suddenly understood. She did trust him, it was herself she didn’t trust. For all the strength and confidence she displayed in her job, when it came to her personal life, she’d been betrayed and abandoned so many times that she had no faith in her own judgement. He’d known that, had fought against it before. But he could see in her eyes that whatever he told her now, she’d accept as the truth. Even, or perhaps especially, if he told her theirs was just a work relationship. She expected him to let her down, just like all the others had, but she still had enough faith in him to ask. To give him the opportunity to devastate her.
Her trust in him was humbling and for a moment it left him speechless. What could he say to prove that he was worthy of that trust? But then, they were the same, weren’t they? As much as experience had taught her that everyone left her eventually, his upbringing had taught him he wasn’t good enough. He worked hard, and he fought his way up, but there was still a voice in the back of his head that told him he wasn’t good enough. Nothing anyone said could take that feeling of inadequacy away, not completely. This wasn’t something he could fix with a good speech. But it was a start.
‘I’m here, Liv.’ He said, gripping her hand tighter and pouring everything he felt into his words, his eyes. Willing her to hear him. ‘I’m not going anywhere. Your friendship, your trust… it means everything to me. You weren’t just a colleague, you were my partner and I hope you’ll always be my friend. What I said before about Stabler and the danger of being an empath…’ He took a deep breath. Though she seemed to be listening, he knew what he was about to say could still put her hackles up and push her away from him. But he had to say it. ‘I know he was your partner for all those years and you trust him, but I worry about you. You care so much and I know you’d never turn your back on someone who needs you, but sometimes you let that suck you in too far. You can’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, Liv, and I worry that’s what’s happening. I know you want to help him and I’m not telling you to stop, but don’t lose yourself in the process. You’re a great cop, you know he shouldn’t have been in that interrogation room with you. That could have destroyed your career, right there. Please don’t let him destroy everything you’ve worked for. Don’t let him destroy you.’
As he said it, he realised where his own jealousy towards Stabler stemmed from. He’d thought it was just that he’d been her friend - her partner - first, and he’d tried to shove the feeling aside. But now he realised that wasn’t it at all. He, Rafael, had left to protect her from himself. To prevent his actions from dragging her down with him. Yet here was Stabler, doing the exact thing he’d been afraid of. Without a care for the consequences to Liv. Like with Stabler, she’d been willing to back him up completely, do anything to help him, to fix it for him, to protect him from the fallout of his own actions. He’d doubted his decision to leave for years, but now, seeing it play out with Stabler, for the first time he knew without a shadow of a doubt that he’d made the right choice. He’d protected her. And he would do his best to protect her from Stabler too. No matter what the cost.
But for now she was still holding his hand and looking at him like a lifeline, whispering ‘Rafa.’ Whatever she needed, he’d be there. For as long as she let him.